Bank Withdrawal Symptoms€¦ · crawl right out of your fingertips. OLDER WOMAN walks over to...

BANK WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

TEN MINUTE PLAY

By Jim Gustafson

Copyright © MMXII by Jim Gustafson All Rights Reserved

Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa

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Bank Withdrawal Symptoms by Jim Gustafson Copyright © MMVII by Jim Gustafson

- 2 - T H I S S C R I P T I S P R O V I D E D A S A C O U R T E S Y F O R IN T E R N E T R E A D I N G.

N O P E R F O R M A N C E R I G H TS C O N V E Y E D.

BANK WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS By Jim Gustafson

SYNOPSIS: Robbing a bank is hard enough, and it doesn’t get any easier when the lobby is filled with congenial customers. Bank thief Marcus has his hands full when side issues and conversations among the victims keep interrupting his robbery.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (4 MEN, 4 WOMEN)

MARCUS (m) ................................. The bank robber. He’s a young man just

“trying to do his job.” JACKSON (m) ................................ The bank teller. He makes sure all

withdrawals...even by theft...are handled properly.

SALLY (f) ....................................... A bank teller. Earnest and eager to do a good job for all customers.

OLDER WOMAN (f) ..................... She’s kindly and generous to a fault, even with a crook.

OLDER MAN (m) .......................... He’s a critic. If you going to commit a crime around him, DO IT RIGHT!

YOUNG WOMAN (f) .................... As a victim, she’s too easily distracted to become actively involved in the crime.

YOUNG MAN (m) ......................... For him no situation is too dire to obtain or dispense useful information.

TEENAGE GIRL (f) ....................... Is a bank robbery something to get excited about? Not really.

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AT RISE: A bank with two tellers and five customers. MARCUS, a bank robber, comes in and turns his back to the tellers. He puts on a ski mask and goes to SALLY, one of the two tellers. MARCUS: I have a gun aimed at your stomach. Cooperate and no

one gets hurt. (He hands her a pillowcase.) Clean out your cash drawer and put the money in this.

SALLY looks over to the other teller, JACKSON. SALLY: Jackson? JACKSON looks and comes over to SALLY. JACKSON: I’ll take care of this customer, Sally. Take my window,

okay? SALLY changes windows and takes the pillowcase with her. JACKSON: Hi, how can I help you? MARCUS: I have a gun, and I want all of the bank’s money. JACKSON: (With a laugh.) Me too. I’d also like to have dinner with

Heidi Klum, but that probably won’t happen either. (Chuckles again.)

MARCUS: Hey, I’m serious! This is a robbery. JACKSON: Oh, I get it. (To the other customers in the bank.) Excuse

me, folks. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but this fella’s robbing the bank.

They all react. OLDER WOMAN: Oh my, this is exciting. MARCUS: (Under his breath.) What are you doing? JACKSON: I thought they should know. Shouldn’t I have done that?

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MARCUS turns to the customers and shows his gun. All the people react and step back. An OLDER MAN crosses himself. MARCUS: Everybody freeze. Don’t move a muscle or I’ll shoot the

teller! OLDER MAN: (To MARCUS.) Relax, mister... (To the customers.)

All right, people. Do as he says. Don’t panic. JACKSON: Where were we? MARCUS: I said give me all the money in the drawer. JACKSON: Okay. Are you going to stick it in your pockets or what? MARCUS: Ah... She’s got my bag. JACKSON: Sally, the man wants his bag back. SALLY: You mean the pillowcase? JACKSON: Did you bring a pillowcase? MARCUS: Yeah, yeah. That’s it. TEENAGE GIRL: That’s a “Hello Kitty” pillowcase. I don’t believe it. JACKSON looks at the pillowcase. JACKSON: She’s got a point. This isn’t very professional. Didn’t you

have anything in leather? This is kind of kid stuff, if you know what I mean?

MARCUS: Just put the money in it. JACKSON: Not to criticize, but don’t you think you’re going to look a

little suspicious walking down the street with a “Hello Kitty” pillowcase?

The OLDER WOMAN walks over to MARCUS. OLDER WOMAN: He’s right, you know. MARCUS: Come on, it’s all I had. OLDER WOMAN: Here. (She holds out a bag to him.) I was on my

way to the grocery, and I have this green shopping bag. Here, take it. I have another in the car.

YOUNG WOMAN comes over. She grabs the bag and admires it.

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YOUNG WOMAN: This is really nice. Very pretty. And I like the size. Most of these environmentally friendly bags are too small, you know. Where’d you get it?

OLDER WOMAN: They give them away for free at the Recycling Center where you drop off old electronic stuff.

YOUNG MAN steps forward. YOUNG MAN: I’m sorry to interrupt, but did you say there’s a place

in town where you can drop off old TVs and computers? OLDER WOMAN: Yes, it’s in the village hall parking lot the first

Tuesday of every month. YOUNG MAN: Cool. Thanks. MARCUS grabs the bag from the YOUNG WOMAN. MARCUS: Knock it off and get back with the others. I’m trying to

work here. TEENAGE GIRL: Trying to work! That’s funny. Like this a job or

something. MARCUS: Shut up, kid. TEENAGE GIRL: I’m not a kid, I’m a sophomore. MARCUS stares at her threateningly. Then he looks at the bag. MARCUS: This looks pretty big. OLDER WOMAN: It is... It’s wonderful. It will hold a lot of money. JACKSON: She’s right. And you won’t look so lame. MARCUS throws the bag to JACKSON MARCUS: Here. Put the cash in it. JACKSON stares at MARCUS. JACKSON: What do you say? MARCUS: I said, “put the cash in it.”

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JACKSON: Not to me. (JACKSON points to the OLDER WOMAN.) What do you say to her?

MARCUS: What are you talking about? JACKSON: The lady gave you a nice eco-friendly bag, what do you

say to her? MARCUS: (Looks confused as he thinks a second.) Thank you? JACKSON: That’s right. Don’t you feel better when you’re

courteous? OLDER WOMAN: (Looking at JACKSON.) That was sweet of you. MARCUS: Come on, quit screwing with me. Put the cash in it. OLDER WOMAN: “Put the cash in it”... What? MARCUS: (Shaking his head in disbelief.) Good grief. Please put the

cash in it. JACKSON: (Smiles.) All right. Do you just want the bills, or do you

want the change too? MARCUS: Just the bills. JACKSON: You sure? I have about $20 in change here. MARCUS: Just the bills. OLDER WOMAN: Oh, take the change... You can use it for parking

meters. YOUNG WOMAN: You’re going to end up with pile of change

anyway every time you break a bill. YOUNG MAN: You know, a couple of years ago, I started using only

bills. Then every night I took the change I got during the day and put it in a bottle. I’d wind up with about 35 bucks a month in change. It’s a good way to save.

OLDER MAN: Thirty-five dollars a month. Really? YOUNG MAN: Yeah, you‘d be surprised how fast it adds up. YOUNG WOMAN: (To MARCUS.) Take the change. MARCUS: All right, give me the change. JACKSON puts the change in the bag. MARCUS: Now the other drawer! JACKSON: ...the other drawer? (JACKSON pauses and tilts his

head.)

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MARCUS: (Exasperated and rolling his eyes.) The other drawer...please.

JACKSON: Sally? (JACKSON motions her.) MARCUS: Hurry up! JACKSON: I can’t leave this window unattended. Bank policy. Sally,

if you please. SALLY comes to the window. SALLY: Jackson, how do I close this out? MARCUS: You just stand there, toots. That’s all you need to do. JACKSON walks back to SALLY. JACKSON: Hold on, when we change windows we have to account

for the money in the cash drawer. (To SALLY.) Sally, just fill out the slip as zero dollars in the drawer...

SALLY: OK. What about the disposition line? JACKSON: Ahh... Let me think... Fill in “Withdrawal...Bank Robbery.” SALLY: Will that work? JACKSON: If anyone questions it, I’ll vouch for you. MARCUS: For crying out loud, what’s with you two? JACKSON: We have procedures here. Just because we’re being

robbed doesn’t mean we can abandon them. Be patient. TEENAGE GIRL: You’re pretty edgy, mister. YOUNG MAN: I’ll bet he had coffee at Starbucks before he came

here. You did, didn’t you? That caffeine. It makes your nerves crawl right out of your fingertips.

OLDER WOMAN walks over to MARCUS. OLDER WOMAN: I think he’s just too warm. You must be burning up

with that mask on. It’s hot in here. SALLY: I apologize for that, ma’am. Our air-conditioning went out

yesterday. JACKSON: It’s supposed to be fixed today.

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OLDER WOMAN: Well, that will be too late for our rude young friend in the mask. Why don’t you take that darn thing off before you faint?

YOUNG MAN: I read on the Internet that heat stroke can be fatal. OLDER WOMAN: See? Does anyone know CPR just in case? TEENAGE GIRL: I’m certified. At least for infants. I did it because I

babysit. YOUNG WOMAN goes over the teen. YOUNG WOMAN: You do? My husband and I just moved here and

we don’t have a sitter yet. What do you charge? TEENAGE GIRL: Eight dollars an hour. YOUNG WOMAN: Can I get your name and number? MARCUS: Could you do that later? We’re kind of in the middle of

something here. OLDER MAN: You’re not management material, young man... You

let the situation get out of control. MARCUS: It’s not out of control. OLDER MAN: Then take charge. That’s the trouble with the younger

generation. They don’t know how to shoulder responsibility. MARCUS changes his demeanor to “take charge”! MARCUS: Oh, yeah? Everybody on the floor! Now! YOUNG MAN: Oh please, the floor is filthy. (To JACKSON and

SALLY.) No offense. JACKSON: None taken YOUNG WOMAN: He’s right...I have to go to work when this is done.

I don’t have time to go home and change. TEENAGE GIRL: Is anybody going to lay on the floor? All indicate they aren’t going to the floor. TEENAGE GIRL: Then neither am I. MARCUS: Fine! Just stand back together. Help me out here. You’re

all making this a lot harder than it has to be,

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YOUNG WOMAN: Don’t blame us. This robbery was your idea. I just came to deposit my paycheck.

OLDER MAN: That’s the problem today. Everything’s somebody else’s fault. Listen, you gummed this up, so don’t take your problems out on us.

The OLDER WOMAN is impressed and she goes closer to the OLDER MAN. OLDER WOMAN: Well said, Mister... Mister...ah? OLDER MAN: Don...Don Meyer. OLDER WOMAN: Hello, Don Meyer. I’m Isabel Horn. I saw you

cross yourself when he pulled out his gun... Are you Catholic? OLDER MAN: Yes, I am. St. James Parish. OLDER WOMAN: Me, too. I’m surprised I haven’t seen you there. OLDER MAN: I go to eight o’clock mass. OLDER WOMAN: Oh...I go to 9:30, but I could go at eight. YOUNG WOMAN watches them with amusement and leans toward the YOUNG MAN. YOUNG WOMAN: They’re cute. YOUNG MAN: Who needs Match.com, right? MARCUS: Oh good grief... Will everyone please pay attention? All I

want to do is get the money and get out. MARCUS turns to JACKSON. MARCUS: Now, empty that drawer. (Pause.) Please. JACKSON: Bills AND change? MARCUS: Yes, change, too, thank you. YOUNG WOMAN: See, that’s not so hard. MARCUS: How much money is in the bag? JACKSON: Not sure. TEENAGE GIRL: I’ll count it for you. MARCUS: That would take forever.

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SALLY: There’s no need to count it. We can just check the computer.

JACKSON: Sure, that would only take...ah...five...maybe ten minutes. Let me check.

MARCUS: I don’t have five minutes. Now, please give me the bag. YOUNG MAN: You’re in a world of hurt, mister. Bank robbery and

purse-snatching... MARCUS: What do you mean purse-snatching?... YOUNG MAN: The lady’s bag. You took her bag. Purse-snatching

during a felony. That’s a compound criminal act. I watch Law & Order. I know my crimes.

TEENAGE GIRL: I love Stabler and Benson. YOUNG MAN: That’s Special Victims. TEENAGE GIRL: Yeah, you’re right... But he did steal her bag. OLDER WOMAN: That’s okay, I got the bag for free. I can get

another. TEENAGE GIRL: No, lady. Press charges. Do it. MARCUS: Stay out of this. YOUNG WOMAN: Don’t talk to my babysitter like that! MARCUS: What’s the matter with you people? Don’t you know

what’s happening here? You‘re in the middle of a bank robbery... Focus, will you?

TEENAGE GIRL: This is kind of neat...I mean, a lot people live their whole life and never get in a bank robbery.

OLDER MAN: This is my second. YOUNG MAN: Really! Holy cow! What are the odds? OLDER MAN: The other one was better. The robber was in and out

in a minute. MARCUS: Comparing bank robberies. Now I’ve heard everything. OLDER WOMAN: Don’t worry, you’ll get better. I’m sure it just takes

practice. MARCUS snatches the bag from JACKSON. MARCUS: Gimme that! Now, everybody sit tight. I’m outta here.

Don’t move for five minutes, because I’ll be watching you. (MARCUS backs off stage.)

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OFF STAGE VOICE: Drop the gun! You’re under arrest. YOUNG MAN leans off stage. YOUNG MAN: Hey, the cops were outside the whole time. JACKSON: I know. Sally pressed the silent alarm and the police

were monitoring our surveillance cameras. OLDER MAN: My, my, modern technology. Isn’t it great? TEENAGE GIRL: Speaking of that, has anybody seen the new iPad? YOUNG MAN: Oh, yeah. I got one a week ago. It’s awesome. SOUND EFFECT―police siren. BLACKOUT.

THE END

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NOTES

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Bank Withdrawal Symptoms€¦ · crawl right out of your fingertips. OLDER WOMAN walks over to...

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