as slow as a broken down snail

as dirty as a dustbin lid

as black as two o'clock in the morning

as ugly as a home-made soap

as happy as a dog with two tails

as poor as a church mouse

as nervous as a brick wall

as brave as the first man who ate an oyster

as cold as an ex-wife's heart

as noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin roof

as dark as the inside of the wolf

as exciting as watching paint dry