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Monday 15/4/02. 5.30 pm. Melbourne .Charlton (for petrol & a hamburger & coffee($6.00) from Maria at Lous) . Underbool (for 3 stubbies) & thats where I had a problem because when I wentto start the van I couldnt turn the key & had to ask at the garage for help which ended up costing $10 while Idrank one of the stubbies in the pub. In the end (with the help of tools & the input of several people including aboy mechanic & an old man who was good at tinkering with things) they unjammed the starter lock by thekey wiggling method. To fix it up properly would require a new lock & a couple of days waiting for it to arrive.Drove on to Murrayville for another couple of stubbies (this may be the way) & once again couldnt turn the key

at first but was more persistent & am hoping Ive found the spot Ive got to pull it back to to make it turn. NowIm 5ks back at Danyo reserve where I nearly always stop on this road.

Im a drover

Ill die riding

Im riding across the saltbush plain

towards the distant sun

when the sun goes down

and the red moon shines

Ill still be riding on

Im a drover

my camp gear is rattling

Im heading for Port Kenny on the western side of the Eyre Peninsula in South Australia. It will take some daysif Im able to start the car. A few weeks ago I bought 4 1: 250000 map sheets that cover the entire peninsula.Each map covers approximately an area of 120ks X 150ks. I intend to spend most of my time on the one calledElliston. (Im listening to the alarm chirrup of a willie wagtail).

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I would like to forget the world (the israeli army has surrounded the birthplace of the great prophet & shot thenose off the statue of his mother; somewhere underwater there is a submarine named after him (Corpus Christi)gliding through the oceans silently to evade detection by the ruskies : it has one hundred missiles each armedwith three nuclear warheads, enough to end civilization; our alliance (of anglos to protect modernity) haschosen to keep its prisoners in wire cages; israeli tank crews say their prayers before demolishing palestinianhovels; palestinian girls blow themselves up in desperation to kill israeli civilians; meanwhile Melbourne city issurrounded by more cranes building huge apartment towers than Ive seen since before the last major recession;

(Im drinking a stubby of Southwark Old Stout) ( the sun has dipped below the horizon & there are manybeautiful bird calls) & I think our civilization is doomed.) On the other hand I am leaving my domestic affairs inabout as good a shape as could be expected considering the circumstances (16/5/02. But now things are indisarray again) though I wish Ben would check the level of the engine oil & service his car now & again.(15/5/02. Last night it was broken into while in the drive of the Ivanhoe house by having the drivers doorjemmied. An attempt was made to rip out the stereo/radio.) (Im writing fast before its dark & I havent eatenyet). H is back at work today after a two week holiday. The only argument we had was when I tried to convinceher that she should not visit Vi for one day a week (saturdays) so that we could spend the entire day together forwalking about the city. I won. Last saturday Dan had promised hed relieve her but when she rang in the eveningto find out how Vi was it turned out he had not bothered. So it goes. He had probably spent the day sleeping &recovering from playing pool & watching videos with Ben over the previous night. Kate is fine. (I had lunch

with her at Threshermans in Carlton yesterday). She was looking forward to her first teaching round startingtoday. I also saw Vi at the hospital for only the second time since shes been there. Shed had a blood transfusionearlier in the day. It means shes decided that life is worth living even though deaf & bedridden.

once

a man died

lost in the desert

some

died in forests

some

lost at sea

now

men die in

hospitals

It could be that hers is lengthened by Hs being shortened. The quality of her life may be directly or inverselyrelated to the quality of Hs life. The great men have always preached that fulfilment comes from service toothers so if we are to believe them it could be a win-win situation (a term most likely invented by salesmen) butthey were probably influenced by the example of mothers that had reared them & of admiring females thateasily believed their spiel. (Gautama deserted his wife & child & the nazarene deserted his mother). It may be

that there are real choices to be made : more life for me is less for the other (Dostoyevski analyses the moraldimensions of the problem in the novel Crime and Punishment). (I can see a very thin new moon between thenative pines & its time for a feed).

Tuesday 16/4/02. 7.50 am. I would like to leave these issues behind & do somesubstantial walking when I get to the Eyre Peninsula. Thats why Im writing about them now. Last year after Ifinished the entries for the story 13/8/01 25/8/01 where the last entry was written at a beach a bit east ofCactus Beach (I had mistakenly called it Cactus Beach) on the western side of the peninsula I continued on foranother 3 or 4 days driving along the coast south to Port Lincoln then north to Port Augusta. Its a great coast,particularly the western side & Im itching to get to know it better. Its an example of desert meeting ocean, the

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exact opposite to the tourist mecca in north Queensland, Cape Tribulation, that some of my readers may know,where jungle comes down to beach. Continuing on from where I left off yesterday : it may be that Hs effortscontribute to Vis will to live & encourage her to accept medical procedures that prolong it. Then Vi makes Hmiserable by complaining what a lousy life shes got. The increase of one is the diminishing of the other. No onecan give themselves credits for choosing a win-win outcome as any sensible person would do that. But if youchoose to increase yourself perhaps you should do it accepting the responsibility of decreasing another & if youdecide to help someone else only accept credit for the choice if it has decreased you. Another thing that has

been bothering me is a traditional hasidic legend/story that was told to me by Alec Drummond at the Make ItUp Club a couple of weeks ago. There are always 12 Tzadikim (Righteous People) on earth only 12. Theymaintain creation through their righteousness. If ever theres less than 12, creation will end. Thats how Alectold it & he wrote it down too. It bothers me because I smell a con. Linguistic considerations alone make mesuspicious. Why 12? The thing about numbers is that we have practiced the actions they represent. Numbersconstitute exact synchronisations by people across cultures since the most ancient times, since the beginning ofmoney economies in fact. Further refinements have led to mathematics which is a major component of modernscientific technology. So it is legitimate to ask why not 13 or 11 or 7 or 3 Tzadikim? (28/4/02. The sameconsideration applies to the 144000, or whatever it is, that the jehovas witnesses claim is the number that will besaved). However we havent practiced at recognising righteousness nearly as much. What is practiced as good inone culture can be seen to be very,very bad in another (worth reading Alfonso Lingis on the sexual practices of

the Sambia tribe in new guinea on this). And we havent practiced at all at recognising a Tzadikim since ifthere are only 12 we are not going to have met one. There are different orders of language side by side here & Isuspect that what is vague or meaningless is meant to gain credibility by being placed next to what is exact. Its astandard trick. & since we cannot know the Tzadikim ourselves I bet our knowledge of them comes frommiddlemen wearing long beards (to denote seniority, access to antiquity, & that they are male) & outlandishclothes (maybe all black, or purple vestments, or capes (but in india they sometimes wear nappies to show howemaciated their bodies are from ascetic & yogic practices) & strange head gear. Every conman knows that theoutfit is 90% of the act. Yet I see humble depressed looking women wheeling their mothers about insupermarkets or with a retarded son in tow (& I think this guy is in his 50s & his mother is in her 70s & theylive in a housing commission flat & shes had him in tow all her adult life & hes whining & carrying on & not atall grateful) dressed drably & with no claims to any kind of special knowledge & no one to listen to their story.

Perhaps creation depends on the existence of very many such women in our suburbs rather than the very fewpossessors of special righteousness. In spite of my suspicions & having cast doubts on the role of cosmicbrokers I have to admit that I take up the offer of the great teacher, jesus of nazareth, that if we ask in his namehe will intercede on our behalf. I have asked & I hold him to his promise otherwise what he said isnt true.Alec wrote down another story that I find acceptable. An unlearned Jew wanted to pray but didnt know theprayers. So he recited the Hebrew alphabet & said Hashem (Lord) you put the letters in the right order.This is a bit like the palestinian whose ancestral home is being bulldozed & as he walks away he gestures at thesky & calls out Allah Akbar. Time for the road : it will be interesting to see if I can start the car . 3.35. Ialways get to this spot at Worlds End after drinking 3 stubbies that I buy at Morgan (2 Southwark Bitter & 1Coopers Stout). The first rise I go over on the Morgan-Burra road that gives a view of the Lofty Ranges in thedistance gives me a huge lift. I turn left off the road into an easy to miss lane about 18ks this side of Burra. I am

being accurate for the benefit of Lance Morton who knows the area & gave H a $65 cut on a pair of Naot brandshoes that are the most comfortable shes worn. This spot is not to be confused with the Burra gorge spot whichis off the Eudunda road closer to Burra. The lane is about 2 ks long & its completely private here except for theone night the kangaroo shooters were working when I was here with Saulius Varnas. (there are a lot of fliestoday but). At Morgan I got into an argument with some blokes in the pub who were complaining about thewater rights agreement just signed between SA, Vic & NSW. They were ropeable & just loved getting stuck intome as they picked me for a Victorian straight away. I wasnt sure how tongue-in-cheek they were. Then I hadtrouble starting the van to leave. Im in shorts on a beautiful arvo. I expect its more likely to be too hot than toocold in the coming weeks. I am driving the van on its last trip. When I get back Im getting a new one. Everyonesays it should be a 4x4 (20/5/02. But today I bought a short wheel base Toyota Hiace tradesmans van for

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$30000 with the trade-in). My next major disagreement with H will be when I try to talk her into going away ona holiday with me. We are very experienced at them & do them well. They have been a central activity on whichweve hung our togetherness. I would like to go away to distant parts of the country for months at a time inwinter. A 4 or 5 week trip would also give us some scope to explore new places & if I were in her situation Idthink it was a reasonable compromise. But at the very least we should see our way clear to go away for 2 weeksat a time. Vi must take some responsibility for the choice she makes to accept blood transfusions. If we do notaccept responsibility for our choices we devalue our capacity to make them. For mine, the capacity to choose is

integral to my dignity (a christian sect has a similar attitude to blood transfusions as I do; perhaps they are thejehovas witnesses; must find out their reasons). I understand that when blood supply decreases the diminishedoxygen level in the brain may cloud judgement. There is a program in every cell that wants it to survive at anycost. Cells survive & multiply in a culture in a test tube if given the chance. I am trying to clarify my attitudeswhile possessed of a clear mind in the hope that the blind programming of the cells doesnt override myjudgement in such a circumstance. Also I think we should not overestimate our responsibility for others. We arevery small. If we take on tasks which are too large we may become so engrossed in our failure to achieve themthat we become incapable of the small things more suited to our abilities. Some may attempt large tasksbecause they take themselves too seriously. If there is a god let him have his way.

a tombstone on a cliff

sayshere lies a man

crushed by a wave

a cairn in the desert

says

this man

was betrayed by the sun

in a cemetery

in a suburb there is

a large tombstonewith the words:

here lies the body

of a dearly departed and

distinguished citizen

deeply mourned by his

loving wife, children

and grieving relatives

may his soul

rest in peace

Wednesday 17/4/02. I woke before the first bird calls into a brief moment of ecstaticthoughtlessness. Then I thought that I am almost never free of thought & that one day, when all these strings ofchatter are completed, I will achieve a more permanent stillness. I heard the first truck go by on the highway 2ks away. I felt grateful to be in mallee scrub away from the city. The first birds to call are magpies & the verynumerous crows. You overlook a vast plain eastwards from here so they see the pre-dawn glow long beforesunrise. As the large orb of a red sun made its appearance the galahs, which are the dominant bird in the area,joined in. Its 8.10 & Ive had breakfast (just had a crap). It was quite brisk early & looks like a good day comingup. As usual Ive brought a few books in case of rainy weather which on the Eyre Peninsula is not very likely. Im

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about a quarter into the Pensees of Blaise Pascal. Ive also started The Battle for God Fundamentalism inJudaism, Christianity and Islam by Karen Armstrong. Ive just finished her A History of God & brought it incase I want to refer to it. The other books Ive read by her in the last couple of weeks are the ones on muhammad& buddah. The History of God is described as a world wide best seller & has been translated into 30languages. Her qualifications are that she was a nun for 7 years an experience she has described in another bestseller called Through the Narrow Gate. In 1999 she received the Muslim Public Affairs Council Media Award.She is a teacher at the Leo Baeck College for the Study of Judaism. Her sister is a buddhist. (20/5/02. Yesterday

I saw the Dalai Lama lecturing on a giant screen outside the tennis centre. There was no room inside as it waspacked.) I find her books very informative (did you know that in lithuania there were processions in honour ofSabbatai Sevi (Shabbetai Zevi)? & Im going to find out more about Jacob Frank (1726 95) if only because shedescribes him as the most frightening figure in the entire history of Judaism. (I had heard of Frankism only inconnection with the polish/lithuanian/and according to Simon Schama maybe somewhat jewish poet AdomasMickevicius).(20/5/02. Before going to the tennis centre I read the Encyclopaedia Judaica entry on Frankismat the state library where I also caught up with Frank Lovece, Brian Maclure, Walter Struve & others.) The factis Ive been told Im a religious writer myself so Im interested to find out what it is that Im being accused of.Much as Ive enjoyed the historical detail I find her interpretation of the place of the mysticalexperience in our lives to be banal & at the service of orthodoxy as you would expect from someone who is

paid to teach at a religious institute. Her point of view is couched in cartesian dualisms. She makes a facile

distinction between mythos & logos placing religious meanings in the first & the world of practical affairs inthe second. Underpinning the initial structure is an uncritical acceptance of the inside/outside paradigm of thepersonality. She locates the experiences of the mystics deep in interiority where they are safe from doing harm& where they reside in similar territory to the creatures of psychoanalysis. She uses words such as unconscious,subconscious, psyche as if it is obvious what they mean without showing any awareness of how they serve theirowners in the real world. The main practical effect of her theology is to endorse the roles of the churchhierarchies who have to filter & structure the insights of the mystics much as shrinks guide their patients to selfawareness by helping them confront the denizens of their subconscious. The end result, & I dont think sheintends it, is to trivialize religious experience. The problem with cartesian dualisms is not that they are beingundermined by people like Derrida & Wittgenstein but that they are already dead in the water. The philosopherscome after the event trying to find a language for what has already happened. People in the street still use the

language of doubles for want of replacement terms but their actions show they know its meaningless. For therecord I do not consider myself to be a religious writer. I write about language. If someone said I was atruthsayer that would be something ! 6.00pm. I am at Port Germein at a table overlooking the beach & pier.The pier is 1 ks long & was once the longest in australia according to the info board. When you walk out tothe end you can hear the crowing of roosters back in the town. Sound carries well over water. Ive spent the bulkof a hot day mucking about in Port Pirie which has little to recommend it except youve got to go there forservices. I walked up & down the main st enough times for people to be saying hullo to me. First I went to theNissan dealer who suggested I get a new key cut to see if the sharper edge fixed the problem. That cost $5 &didnt work. The locksmith sent me back to the dealer. To order a barrel in from Melbourne would have taken tillnext week if one was available. It would have cost hundreds of dollars. Then I went to the R.A.A. garage &after much toing & froing we located two second hand ones at a wreckers. One had a key but would have been

hard to attach to the van as it was a different model, the other was OK but had no key. Thats the one we got &took it back to the same locksmith to disassemble so as to cut a key for it. All this took over 5 hours & cost$105. Later I realized that all I had needed to get done was to get the R.A.A. people to break the lockingmechanism as Im getting rid of the van after the trip. No-one had thought to suggest it. Anyway I am here atwhat I consider to be home territory. Its a still evening. Im drinking a stubby of Coopers Sparkling. An Italianfamily are returning from fishing on the pier. One of them is pulling a special trolley designed for fishing gear& they are talking very loudly. Dogs are barking. Pigeons cooing. Later Ill ring H. Tonight Ill be sleeping by thewaters of Spencer Gulf (about 2ks to the north).

they watch the white birds stoop through mist and spray

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beautiful as a dream

it makes them think that

they are near the sea

they wait

to soak their withered hands

in salty wateronce again

Thursday 18/4/02. 2.50 pm. Port Kenny. Forgot to mentionyesterday that there is a pub in the main strip of Port Pirie advertising bed & continental breakfast at$25/night. That gives you an idea how much in demand it is with travellers. Got through to H last night with thefirst effort. Everything is OK & Vis mood has improved. That must be the effect of the blood transfusion &what I presume is the extra supply of oxygen to the brain. Kate rang to say that in her first lesson on theteaching round which was with a year 7 group they ran riot. Thatll learn her. I had thought she wasoverconfident when I saw her at Threshermans last week. H read Joes first effort at an essay as a tertiaryhumanities student & said it was pretty slick. I reckon humanities might suit him : hes got the gift of the gab. I

got up early this morning (6.30) & drove to the pier for breakfast ( & the toilet (17/5/02. My initials were stillon the inside of the door.)). Killed a cockroach in the back of the car. Do you remember, honey, the guy on thebicycle with a little white dog that we got into conversation with on the pier a few years back? He had it in forblackfellas, immigrants (etc.) We thought he was pretty smart but a lonely person. I always see him when Imhere but dont give him the opportunity to strike up a conversation. Anyway he remarked that he hadnt seen mefor a few months which shows hes been noticing. It turns out hes just bought a brand new VW van. So much forlooking poor! He paid $37000 & its a long wheel base (40cms longer) tradesmans van. He got a diesel as all hisprevious vehicles have been diesels & he reckons nothing goes wrong with the engines. He was very pleasant &came back with the brochure manual which Ive kept. There is a version of the van for a few thou extra that iscalled a syncro where there is a diff to the back wheels so that if the front ones are losing grip the back onesget automatically engaged. Sounds pretty good : maybe its what we should get. He says its about the same size

inside as the Urvan. I keep getting good reports on them. This morning I shopped up in Port Augusta (9/5/02.Worlds End. Where the mayor (a woman) who is trying to prevent 15 children in the detention centre fromattending local schools has described the children of detainees as appalling and abhorrent but the mayor of theneighbouring city of Whyalla, also a woman, has rejected the description at the risk of upsetting people)(During last years election campaign the mayor of Port Lincoln (major city of the Eyre Peninsula) whosesurname suggests he is of croatian or serbian background said that if illegals were threatening to jumpoverboard they should be told to go ahead & left to drown.) before driving the 330 or so ks to here along H1through Iron Knob, Kimba & Wudinna. I decided to start here because I had stopped for a meal in the VenusBay Conservation Reserve when I came through last year & had remembered it as a place where you might getshade. The park borders about 13 ks of the northern part of the bay (not be be confused with Venus Bay inVictoria; & there is a town called Venus Bay here too, on the southern side.) But when I checked it out today I

realized none of the scrub was tall enough to get the van under. Its been hot all day with a northerly blowing &Im fully stocked up with food. Luckily a gusty cool change has just come through. I parked the van along one ofthe walls of a shed at the pier so that at least a bit of it was out of the sun. There are several sheds & water tanks& motors start up & go off on automatic. Strangely theres no toilet : I had to go for a crap & wasnt going topack up & drive to the pub or garage to look for one, so I used the old method of lifting up the only sizeablepiece of loose concrete I could find in the lea of a shed (but youre visible here from almost every direction; thatsthe thing about flat country) & discovered that someone else had done the same. Thereve been a few peoplewalk to the end of the pier but most of the time theres no one & it would be a good place to spend the nightexcept for the noise of the motors. Also Ive just noticed there are a couple of lights : so its out. Ill camp in theconservation park at a spot I sussed out. Theres a bit of a track going north through the scrub which might be

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nice to walk along tomorrow. The track that goes along the coast (for 13 ks) is very corrugated. There are lots ofbirds on the shore. Some pelicans are watching to see if Im the sort of guy who fillets fish & a bunch of seagullsperched over me on electric wires are also interested. There are ducks on the shore (australasian teal) but themost noticeable birds for me are the banded stilts (Himantopus himantopus) as I dont see them often. I noticedthey were numerous when I was driving into Port Augusta too. You cant escape knowing that the WesternHawks won the local premiership in 2001. Its painted up in blue & yellow all over the place including on thesurface of the highway. There is a pub, garage, post office/general store in town & Im about to find out if theres

also a public toilet before going to my spot for the night in the park. Might get another stubby also. I knowfrom long experience that when you get into country you dont understand the best way to start is by gettingdrunk. It dawned on me after awhile that there are no rivers this side of Port Augusta & now that I think of it Inever even crossed a creek. Its limestone country. (Gintas told me the other day that he knows this area from his& Venetas thorough exploration of australias southern coastline that they did over 5 days (Melbourne Perth) inhis 4x4 Range Rover during summer.) .. Stopped at the store to see if there was a suitable local card to sendto Tom Fryer as he had requested. Sent him the one of the 3 koalas on a lush green lawn because there wouldntbe a koala within 1000 ks of here & I never saw any green grass between here & Port Augusta neither & theylive up in trees. Tom (who works for the post) was probably expecting an example of mail-art from me but,mate, Ive quit the genre. I quit a year ago, long before september 11 & tell aussie post I never done it. I neverflue them planes. It woznt me. I no nuffin. I quit because them holding back me mail was makin me paranoid &

because I lost interest & wanted to concentrate on plain old fashioned writing. & events subsequent to sept.11,especially the spate of letters with white powders in em, confirmed me in my decision. Times arent right formail-art. Thats one art form that has had its useby date. (15/5/02. a ..zz please take note.) Pass that on to yourbosses & the govt. & asio & the cia & mossad & chekka & George Bush & anyone else whats listenin. I tell youIm innocent. Totally innocent! (& Ive never been inside the rent-a-bomb place in Clarendon st Sth. Melb.neither) (& I aint a member of al Qaeda & I havent even read Arabian Nites).

and so you wander like a dream

along the shores of other minds

where youthful hopes come rolling in

to break in froth against the rocks

the beach is littered with remainsof ill-conceived forgotten plans

swirling currents of the deep

give birth to tender fragile life

on the water comes a seed

and sends down roots into the sand

you notice then the seagulls swoop

on a bleached and tattered scrap

and suddenly the air is filled

with screams of hunger and of hate

Friday 19/4/02. I was kidding about getting drunk but perhaps I should have as I stillfeel out of kilter. I slept very little. For a start I hadnt realized how close I was to the highway. Noise carries inflat country; you hear an approaching truck miles away. Then there was the sheet lightning which was so brightI had to keep my eyes shut from getting blinded. Its interesting how muted the thunder is with this kind ofevent, just low growling & rumbling, no obvious connection to the flashes. There were a few showers whichmade me keep thinking of some tyre marks I saw that show the dirt can turn soft in spite of the patches oflimestone. I doubt if Ill be able to find shade today. It was a mistake to carry so much food. I cant leave the carshut out in the open & walk away for half a day. The couple of showers has made the moss turn greenish by

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morning. Before it wasnt visible at all. Things change suddenly here. Before dawn I drove to the shore track & afew ks to the west for breakfast where Im parked now (8.00). The sun has broken through the cloud & itsalready quite warm. But the main thing that kept me on edge during the night was a question I was grapplingwith. The problem was posed a few weeks ago by Tom Fryer. Hes been doing it hard & I had said to him that heshould hold it together for the sake of his music. His response was: Why? I said Id try to answer it on the trip.Ive been turning it over & the answer, if there is one, keeps getting more complicated or receding. I want to giveit a go but I dont want to spend half the trip doing it; and thats how big its getting. Last night it occurred to me

that the way to start would be to first examine what it is that we do when we ask how? & why?: thedifferent anthropologies of the two similar looking words. It was Wittensteins unique genius to recognize thatthe grammatical similarity of words can mask completely differing usages. So I tossed & turned trying to teaseout the underlying structure of each. Ill give a report later. Right now Ill see how far this track takes me .11.20. Im about 15ks further around the bay at the narrow neck separating it from the southern ocean that goeson to Point Weyland. (Youre right Gintai, the sign says you cant camp here). Ive just had a dip in the nuddy byway of a long overdue wash & even brushed me teeth. A couple of 4x4s have rolled up. I wouldnt have beennaked if I had thought it was likely. Didnt enjoy some parts of the track as you cant avoid driving over bricksized shattered limestone which I imagine could cut through a tyre. Point Weyland is the point you see acrossthe mouth of the bay from Venus Bay township. You come to the edge of the cliff facing the southern oceanwith surprising abruptness & it looks just like the fotos you see of the cliff bordering the southern edge of the

Nullabor Plain. Took a foto of a sign with a picture of a man falling headlong down the cliff under anexclamation mark. Might as well have a go at the words.

Of the two how is the easier one. If someone asks me what am I doing when I try toanswer it I know that my initial move is to gesture, draw lines in the air, make shapes with fists or fingers. I sayits like this & then like this & if you stand next to me lets do it together & youll get it (flaying arms forswimming; swinging motion for golf). I might go on to draw diagrams & instructions on a piece of paper.Science is an elaboration of the initial gestures. Its task is to answer the question how? A feature of theanswers is that we know when its satisfactorily completed which happens when the moves of the person askingthe question exactly reproduce the moves of the person giving the answer. They have come to an agreement. Iam not uninterested in science & am impressed by what has been achieved (but lately I feel only disgust) butmy overwhelming, life long I suppose, preoccupation is with the question : Why? Its my special condition,

misery, illness or punishment. So when you asked the question, Tom, with a particular emphasis, I recognized ashared affliction. Philosophers claim that the discipline that tries to answer it is ethics. It came to me as quite asurprise last night to realize that when I try to answer it I have no urge at all to gesture, draw pictures or makeany of the moves I do when answering the other. It made me realize (I can see a shingleback lizard) howradically different they are from one another both in the asking of & the answering. These differences can behighlighted by looking at the situation of children saying why to adults. Its a definite stage in the developmentof some kids & can be aggravating because when you give an answer they respond to it by saying why again.You shouldnt smoke. Why not? Because it will make you sick. Why should I care? Because you might die. Whyworry, Ill die anyway (etc. etc.) Dont resort to god in your answer because the next question will be tougher who is god? If you say because god loves you then youve answered one question with two because love is justas hard to pin down. There is no standing side by side, synchronizing moves. The child looks up at the adult,

teacher or father, or some other authority. You look down. Its significant that in these situations youll often hearthe sentence : Who said so? If it goes on & on youll probably be forced to answer with things like : I say so;thats how it is; because I hold the purse strings; because Im bigger; because Im older than you; because I justknow; because Im the father (two more 4x4s have gone by; theyre going through the gate to the point about 6 ksfurther). Some children will accept the first answer they get & go on to be adults who will be satisfied withanswers that are laughably silly as long as they come from a teacher, an official, expert, or churchman. Otherscontinue with the pestiferous questions & you realize after a while what is at stake is your authority. Some ofthese may grow up to be adults who are never satisfied & keep on asking till there is no authority left standing. Ithink youll agree, Tom, that it is easier to be the first kind of person. The way we ask Why? & the way we

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offer or accept an answer are processes by which we locate ourselves, or nominate our position in an hierarchy of the owners of meanings. Ill try to answer your question another day.

4.30. Tyringa Beach. As the crow flies its about 18 ks from where I was but Ive done 50.The side of the van is 3 steps from the edge of a cliff of about 10 metres with a vertical drop down to jaggedrocks over which the water is churning. It will be great to sleep to tonight. The front of it is facing south westinto a stiff breeze & I would think that if you projected a line forward from it over the southern ocean it wouldmiss antarctica & not hit land again till it hit the coast of california. I came on a track that branches one north

west & the other south east along the cliff top. The car is on a platform of flat limestone. The cliff edges areundercut by up to several metres so it pays not to stand on the very edge. But Im not a sleepwalker. Fortunatelythe breeze is directly off the sea so its mild. There isnt a bush over 3 feet as far as the eye can see in eitherdirection. The limestone is inclined to be whitish & glary but there is a beautiful beach nearby where the rocksalong the waters edge are of rusty granite which is the underlying strata. I know that no amount of descriptionwill enable you to imagine it unless youve been to one of these beaches yourself.

I lie in the van

on the borders of sleep

and as the shell of my life falls away

breached by the steady rhythm

of the pounding seaI surrender to the night

the sea grows louder

till its roaring mingles with my dreams

and on the wave of sleep

I am carried to a shoreline

where I know

it has always been so

that on such a night

I will be takenback to the sea

Saturday 20/4/02. The night was cradled by the sound of churning water. There were nopre-dawn bird calls, not even the tiniest chirrup.

our mind is water

our thoughts fish

some larger, some smaller

more brilliant

some tiny silver fish

in a garden of

moss covered rocks, gravel

secret caves, floating fronds

our intelligence is the fish bowl

8.08 (7.38 SA time). The cloud was thick enough for the sunrise to be obscured for thefirst time on the trip. It is very rare for there to be no bird calls in the morning. Even in Miller st. on the edge ofthe city you get a variety (seagulls, white plumed honeyeaters, sparrows, pigeons, magpies & others). I am in

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the habit of remembering locations by their dawn chorus. I am trying to pin down what it is that gives thesurroundings their characteristic feel. You feel exposed & vulnerable & very small because of the distancesinvolved. Im about 10 ks by the track that goes along the cliff from Baird Bay to the west & about 35 ks fromVenus Bay in the east. I dont know if I can get through to Baird Bay on the cliff track in my car. By road itsabout 30 ks. I think its likely that I was the only one to sleep on the coast between Baird Bay (which may be nomore than a few shacks) & Venus Bay. Yesterday there was a guy & his son here fishing. They had come in ashiny 4x4 like the 5 or 6 others I saw during the day. School holidays finish in SA this weekend. You can bet

that everyone of those cars was from Adelaide. When I was having breakfast yesterday morning there was ashabby blue sedan parked a few hundred yards away left with all its windows wound down & one door ajar.That was a local car. I could see the owners far away on the water through the binoculars. They were probablyprofessional fishermen filleting their catch as the boat was surrounded by scores of pelicans (forgot to mentionyesterday that there were large flocks of banded stilts there too). There is a kind of divide here : the tourists arehighly visible in their shiny 4x4s (one had bicycles (for the kids?) attached to the back; another passed me onthe road to Baird Bay towing a two wheeler contraption called The Ultimate Camper) while the locals areskulking out of sight in rustheaps. Thats if they are not the owners of the enormous wheat properties you gethere. I called in at a homestead yesterday to ask if I could use a track over their property to the coast. My mapdoesnt indicate when tracks are over private property & I found this one gated. There was no one at home, noteven a dog, but in the yard & sheds I could see hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of vehicles (reapers,

cars, trail bikes) of every conceivable kind. I suspect that these enormous enterprises are often run by a single(sometimes elderly) couple as is often the case with stations in the inland. It was empty probably becauseeveryone had to be out working. Im going for a stroll north east along the shore .. 2.30 Walked along a coastpatrolled by a sea eagle (Haliacetus leucogaster ; a world wide bird ; 2 nd largest raptor in aust.) which cruisedoverhead on several occasions. Saw a pair of hooded dotterel (Charadrius rubricollis ; of which according to theornithologists there are only 1500 left in the country but Ive seen about 30 in a short stretch of coast just west ofPort Fairy in Victoria). The sand in the section of the beach with the red granite boulders is gravel size &almost too rough to walk on barefoot. Came across a group fishing. They were locals & one of them told methat you can get through to Baird Bay along the clifftop track in an ordinary car. My impression is that theinformal tracks along the cliff edge may be as much a feature of this coast as the 4x4 tracks to almost everyheadland along the N.S.W. coast. (quarter time Collingwood 5.2 to Hawthorn 0.3). The dog with the fishermen

greeted me by jumping up & banging my hand with his teeth to test my nerve. They drove off to a further beachwhere I passed them later. We watched a pod of about 30 dolphins very close in. The hope was that they wereherding salmon inshore but they looked very inactive to me. I walked on to a headland & from there the cliffsstretched away round a beautiful bay as far as you could see. I had been walking for about 3 hours. On the wayback I passed the fishermen again (couple with 2 kids & a guy (whod been on prawn boats) with the dog) &they said theyd got a salmon. Decided to walk back along the track & only half an hour later was overtaken bythem in their 4x4 & the tray utility. The couple in the 4x4, Kerry & Sandy Jericho (Box 159 Wudinna 5652(30/4/02. Streaky Bay. Heard on the radio that there is a mouse plague centred on the town)) pulled up &insisted on giving me a lift. My experience is that everyone I talk to is inclined to be generous when Im on theroad. I can only draw the conclusion that when people are able to assess each other at first hand they want to behelpful yet at the level of institutions & governments where their relationships are brokered by the servants of

power they can be manipulated to treat each other heartlessly. The speed of life in the big city also helps to erectbarriers. When Kerry & Sandy came to their turn off Kerry insisted on going on, out of their way, to drop me offright at the van. I promised to send them a copy of the trip notes. (Coll. 8.6 Hawks 4.6 at time). After lunch(started on the corn thins & the Vita Brits) the thought came to me that the incident had the feel that it wasmeant to be but I couldnt think of how. Then I realized it was saturday & I thought could it be, could it possiblybe that Collingwood are playing footy this arvo & if so what are the chances of picking up a broadcast fromhere. So I turned on the radio & the pre-match commentary to the Magpie/Hawks match was coming acrossloud & clear. How about that! (Buckley just kicked a goal from 55 out & the ball went through goal post high.Stick that up ya Dunny!) (3/4 time : Maggies 12.13 Hawks 7.6) (final score : 15.14 9.9).

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(A comment on yesterdays analysis of the use of how & why. It is not as if scienceanswers the question how? well or badly. It does it perfectly because it is the asking & the answering processitself indicated by the word. The origins of the process precede the word that draws attention to it. In the case ofthings like music, prayer, death etc. science as always gives the only answers to the how of them but fails toaddress the why which is the more interesting in those cases, let alone the what. In spite of their samegrammar & very like appearances (at least in english) the processes indicated by each are unrelated. ) (Thetelevision science series many years ago hosted by Prof. Julius Sumner-Miller called Why is it so? would

have been better called How is it so? The confusion illustrates Wittgensteins point.)

Sunday 21/4/02. Ive noticed that when people ask why? in the way you did Tom, thatsometimes they already have the answer without being aware of it they just havent put the two together. Youhad claimed on an earlier occasion that you had a vision. What kind of vision? The word is much in use thesedays. Politicians seek votes with visions for the future. Company prospectuses promote visions of expandinginto overseas markets. Starlets have visions of making it in hollywood. Musicians have visions of popularity,composing for films, making a living from their music ( putting a price on vision?). We live in an age ofvisionaries. The word has a long history & once upon a time, my friend, men were visited by visions of a morecompelling variety. They were blinded by them or thrown to the ground & if they survived all they were able todo was stammer : Here I am. & when later they recovered enough to go & warn people of what they had seen

they were ridiculed, derided, stoned & killed, & had to sleep in shit. What kind of vision is yours? Since you aregetting acquainted with the ideas of Teilhard de Chardin Id like to dedicate a poem to you :

in the beginning was the word

and the word was with god, and

the word was god

I imagine heaven to be a music

of a multitude of words and languages

combining all bodies and souls

also I imagine the music ofa sphere of infinite weight

spinning silently through space

we shall all be part of the word

spinning like music in space

but maybe it isnt like that

the song that you sing

is silent

stillas a star

in its journey through space

we on our distant planet

are deaf to

the song

of your night

the galaxies of space turn on eternal wheels

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the music of infinity

is not for mortal ears

so here is an attempt at a more prosaic, analytical answer. The world is made of things that dont fit together.Competing forces strive for supremacy & now that we have developed hugely powerful weapons were on theverge of self destruction. If our civilization is to survive (& it wont) it is essential we find ways of resolving itscontradictions. It is the same in our little domestic worlds. At the Make It Up Club musicians often put together

combinations of instruments (their own weird creations e.g. the spit-roast contraption) & modes of playing thatare not normally seen & heard together or are asymmetric or even at odds & nevertheless sometimes makemusic that is strangely harmonious. You are a leading pioneer in the marriage of man to electronics in music. Idont think it is an easy marriage. It may be that the electronic revolution is a deadly threat to the place wheremusic comes from. In the past weve thought that its source was in the throat, the diaphragm, muscles thumpingdrums, in stomping feet, in erotic gyrations. In the lungs, liver, heart. Nowadays you see musicians as immobileas dummies except that occasionally they lean forward to press a button or throw a switch or stretch a leg topress a footpad. & all those fucken cables going everywhere, mate, one day one of you guys is going to trip over& strangle yourself on one of them. You spend an ever increasing amount of time carting boxes of electronicgadgetry up & down stairs to & from your vans. You turn yourselves into technicians & electronic engineers. Itsnot a natural alliance. But worst of all is that the stuff costs a fucken fortune. It means that to make music you

have to sell your souls to the money economy. & yet when I listen to the cascades of sounds that come fromyou, mate, I hear an ecstatic edge that I dont hear enough of elsewhere. So I think that it may be your task (&though we dont know whos given us the job we know when weve got it) to help redeem this horrible marriage.& it may be that if this world is not to blow up (but it will just collapse in on itself) it is essential that thewarring pieces in our individual lives & small communities be made to fit otherwise who cares if it blows up!

4.28. Strolled for about 4 hours westward to the mouth of Baird Bay & back. Its quitenarrow but the bay goes inland for about 20 ks. Saw a pair of osprey & some galahs that nest in holes in the cliffface. Spotted a pair of seals dozing right inshore against a granite rock from far away through the binoculars. SoI went round the headland to sneak up on them (I have sneaked up on a sleeping tern at a beach to touch itsback; H saw me do it; it wasnt a miracle, just took a long time & patience) from the other side using the rock ascover. Seals sleep floating half turned on their back with one flipper sticking stiffly straight up out of the water.

I wanted to sit just above them & observe the look on their faces when they woke up to see me. But as I got nearthe rock they came swimming around to my side. Later when I was standing still on it each came in turn towithin 5 or so yards, stuck a head out for a look, & went off fishing to a spot a few hundred yards away. Todayis the second day the sunrise was obscured by cloud & its been like that all day. Just as well : Im not lookingforward to it clearing up as I think Im here a month too early. Baird Bay looks interesting as its very different tothe ocean coast & there are heaps of water birds. The water is still because there is an island called Jones Islandin the mouth. Had a dip for a wash. Tonight Im still sleeping here for the sound of the waves. Have made adiscovery. This morning I had thought I caught a quick movement out of the corner of my eye of somethingsmall disappear into the back of the gap along the side of the front seat of the car. I had the impression of amouse but decided it had been a trick of the imagination. Just now when I went to get a packet of muesli fromthe box under the back seat I found it gnawed through & some of the muesli spilt. The hole is in the side of the

packet about the size of a ten cent coin & ragged at the edges. Ive had the problem before & its bloody hard tosolve. Ive searched everywhere but cant see any other evidence of the critter. It must have gnawed the holeduring the day because I would have heard it at night. There are more packets of muesli there & about a dozpackets of corn thins & Vita Wheat it would also enjoy. Where it might get into difficulties is getting enoughmoisture unless it can make use of the tomatoes or apples.

Monday 22/4/02. 7.50 (7.20 am S.A. time). There was a big drop in temperatureovernight & I have a lot of condensation in the car. Just after sunrise a thick land mist rolled over the cliff edge& over the sea but its clearing now.

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if you are not satisfied

with the stillness of the night

go and seek

in the depths of the sea

you can make brandy

out of water

flowersout of sand

seek

and you shall find

ask

and you shall receive

out of beautiful women

come lovers

out of treacherous women

brave men are born

Even as individuals we can be viewed as aggregates of differences that dont necessarily fit together. Each of thesenses (& there are far more of them than people realize) is a separate stimulus response system connectingentirely different sets of events yet the whole lot have chosen (perhaps at the dawn of evolution the major sensessuch as seeing, hearing, touch, smell were separate simple creatures in a primordial ocean that later cametogether in a cooperative venture) to be housed in the same body in what is not always an easy alliance. Ourawareness is the differences. I like to think of it as a discomfort; others call it consciousness. You walk down abeautiful summer lane & as you pass a fence you hear sobbing on the other side. You can disconnect yourselffrom one of your senses, block your ears, & at the cost of simplifying yourself continue on. Or perhaps you are

listening to birds singing as you stroll along & see someone injured, bleeding by the side of the road. Look theother way & continue on if you are the kind of person who knows how to block out what he has seen. Most ofus do not want to see or hear & the main method we employ to resolve the difference between the senses is tohand over the job to the experts. Politicians, rabbis, mullahs, priests, monks, shrinks are only too willing to tellyou what you are & arent or should & shouldnt be seeing & hearing. At a price they will tell you everything youneed to know & more. Karen Armstrong (whose religiosity is pap) will interpret for you what the mystics saw.Be it the buddha or mohammed, Isaac Luria or the gnostics they are all equally grist for her mill. The other wayis with alcohol, sedatives, opiates, pot, prozac which also are capable of closing off the senses.We are a play ofdifferences. & those who choose the path of openness had better know that they may not survive. For thesurvivors the risks seem to have been made worthwhile by the harmonies that are sometimes visited on them . Iam in balance now & I think it is the result of having spent 3 nights on the cliff edge to the sound of churning

water.

dreams are made of mist

you wake

and they are gone

so too with plans

which like castles in the air

disappear in the sky

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it is said

you can mould minds out of clay

you make bread

out of seed

brandy out of

water

yet when

you make a figure out of sand

the next tide

will wash it away

I slept particularly sweetly for most of the night. It didnt bother me when I briefly felt what I knew to be themouse on the foot of the sleeping bag. Later I heard it rustling in what I guessed was my rubbish bag. But whenI heard it gnawing in the food box under the bed I put on my headlamp & got up to check. Sure enough it hadgnawed a hole in the other muesli packet. This little guy has good teeth. Ive also got 8 litres of long life milk &

if it put a hole in one of them it would be a disaster. So just now I had another look in the box & besides thelarge droppings that it has left behind (from their size I can tell that it has been eating well) I see it has alreadyhad a bit of a go at the corner of one of the milk cartons. So I have no option but to empty the car & rearrangemy stuff. With luck I might flush the critter out, but Im not hopeful. Then Im driving on a bit . Emptiedeverything out & brushed the floors. Lost 3 small cartons of milk all of which had been gnawed on a top corner.When you squeezed the container milk spurted out but none had spilled into the car. Dug a hole & burnt therubbish. The hope was that Id carry the little bugger out in one of the boxes (as I had once before) but no suchluck. There are air vents & all sorts of cavities for it to hide in but from now on it will have no access to anyfood except the tomatoes & fruit. Im surprised Ive picked him up as the other two Ive had I got in lushervegetation on the east coast.

.(A further comment on our bodies as housing for the senses. Another effective way to

distance ourselves from them & to transfer the task to mediators is to rely on newspapers & watching a lot oftelly. Its still experience, of course, but skewed to only several senses. Also its worth pointing out that thebody/mind problem that philosophy students are pestered with all over the world relies entirely on acceptance ofthe cartesian paradigm. Otherwise it cannot be coherently stated ie. there is no problem. A more satisfyinganalysis is to note that one end of the stimulus/response systems that are the senses are bundled together as asingle organism but at the other ends they are all over the place.)

. (& it is strange that complexity comes from simplicity. It makes you wonder whethereverything is possible. At least we know it is impossible to predict where we are going. & perhaps we carry amemory in the way we are structured (we are the memory) of the primal single dot that physicists claim wewere at the moment of the big bang & in our confusion, now that we have been scattered, some of us call it god.We ache for the unity we remember. Teilhard de Chardin, who may have mistaken it for a vision of the future,

believed we were heading for a new unity, wired together by electronics like cells in a supra organism. Othersare drawn to the thought that we are forever being scattered further.)

a lighthouse sends

a beam of light

to guide

the voyager across the sea

but who will take him

past the ports

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past the headlands and the reefs

to the castles in the depths

where the drowning sailors sing

.4.20. A bit past where I had walked to yesterday the coastal track crosses a sandhillthat I wasnt going to risk so I left the car at the mouth of the bay with windows open & walked the 5 or so ks

into Baird Bay. There are some 20 houses facing the bay in a single row along a street with lighting. Talked to aguy who owns the two biggest ones & a fancy cruise boat in which he takes tourist out. He is one of only 6permanents there. He says the track a bit off the coast is fine so Ill use it tomorrow. As I was going along theshore I saw what looked like a pair of very impressive dorsal fins 100 yards off shore so I waded out in waterthat never reached the knees. It was a largish ray with a box-like head & as it paddled it poked the ends of itswings above water. They are called flyaways here & they have a habit of following a person. There arethousands of them according to the bloke. Jones Island just near where I am now has a seal colony whichaccounts for the ones I saw yesterday. Couldnt use the public phone because it kept saying the line was in use.Saw one of those syncro VWs & it looked good : the right size & has good clearance. I can tell from my tyremarks that no one has been by in my absense . Im right next to the edge of a rock platform thats about 10 ftabove the shoreline only metres away. I can see & hear the big waves breaking in the mouth of the bay but here

the water is barely lapping the shore. Had a dip & it was OK. There are so many kinds of water birds about thatIm not listing them but there are no banded stilts. Pelicans & swans are the most prominent. Despite the sun thefresh breeze off the ocean makes it a perfect day.

Tuesday 23/4/02.

the surfers come

to try their skill

they think

that they will test the waves

the wavethat grinds away the rock

knows nothing

of the young or aged

*

I made my move at 3 am. The mouse had been active from the moment I got into bed. Idozed fitfully listening to his antics. After I jerked him off the sleeping bag he subjected me to an example ofberserk behaviour running frenetically up & down & round about with scrabbling feet for minutes. It sounded asif he was climbing up the sides & tearing about on the ceiling but that must have been an illusion. On one

occasion I thought I heard him down the back at the same time as I heard a noise beside me. Were there two ofthem? I ignored various gnawing noises as all the food items were out of reach but they did worry me becausethough it seemed unlikely I wondered if it was possible for him to gnaw through one of my 2 water containers.Eventually he settled down to making steady rustling noises in what had to be the rubbish bag. There was anempty sardine can in there, a squashed milk carton & a few greasy items that would have whetted his appetitebut provided little of substance. I like my own company & the various experiences I have when Im in half sleep& finally decided Id had enough of him. So I put on my head torch stealthily & peered over the back seat intothe plastic boxes where my gear is. The rubbish bag was conveniently in the top open container & I could hearrustling inside. With a quick snatch I clasped the top shut. I felt it jump inside. To make sure I had him I held thebag up to see if there were any holes gnawed in the bottom. There werent. So I leant out of the sliding door

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which I had left open hoping hed leave of his own accord & dropped him still in the bag a couple of yards awayfrom the van. I shut the sliding door so he couldnt hop back in & was pleased to hear the occasional rustlethrough the window. It felt good to settle down into a silent car & I realized with relief how much of myattention had been taken up by him. Some time later it seemed to me I heard a rustling inside. Then more. Thenthere was the characteristic scrabble of tiny running feet. It was either another mouse as there may have beentwo in the first place or it had found its way back in (along the steering column? through one of the rust holes?).This morning I carefully emptied out the contents of the rubbish bag for inspection before returning them &

putting it back in the car. As I was having breakfast I heard the bag rustle, then again. & then for the first time Isaw him properly, noseing about at the base outside the bag trying to get in. He darted back under the seat butthen came out a few more times. He must be getting hungry & thirsty. Hed have a better chance outside but if Itried to grab him hed be too quick for me.

*

Im at a spot on Baird Bay about 15 ks along the coast northwards from the village. AtBaird Bay I tried the public phone again but it wasnt working. I wasnt going to ask the rich guy to use his as Ihad a hunch he wouldnt have liked me to though I would have offered to pay. There are no shops or otherfacilities there except a small caravan park with newly built toilets for travellers. About a kilometre north of

where I am there is a family camped so Ive come back to here so as not to crowd them. Their kids go out atnight to shoot rabbits for the dogs. There are a couple of boats moored nearby that belong to professionalfishermen. They are greeks & have gone back to Adelaide for the greek easter. Ive stopped because I want topass a couple of comments on things Ive written. I realize that a reader might easily get the impression that Ivegot it in for religious hierarchies & other mediators, particularly theologians, for what they claim to be godsword or as in the case of Karen Armstrong of her interpretation of the meaning of the language of the mystics.But Im not criticizing their existence. If there is one thing that I know it is that we are a single creature & it maybe that the various hierarchical structures including financial, aristocratic, institutional, the bureaucracies,government etc. are its skeleton. I do not want to live in a chaotic society. What I am doing in the case of thereligious is clarifying their role as middlemen so as to hold them accountable for what they say & to theinterests that they are supposed to serve. The decision by the christians to have a church government made up of

celibate men is a historic one. The mystics are remarkable for how little they had to say on sex (includingmuhammad who had many wives) but the celibate men have said heaps. In the case of christians its almost as ifit became their central preoccupation. It is worth asking how it happened & what purpose it serves. KarenArmstrongs views of the nature & place of the language of the mystics is hostage to her understanding ofdistinctions such as inside/outside, mythos/logos, metaphysical/literal all of which she uses to reinforce eachother. The greatest thinkers of the age are finding those distinctions unsatisfactory. Foucault wracks his brainswondering what it is that we do when we use a metaphor (the way to analyse the divisions is to ask what usesthey serve; who benefit from us accepting the distinctions) while Karen blithely jumps in as if its obvious. Noneof the great mystics would agree that they were merely telling imaginative stories that would make it easier forpeople to make sense of their lives in hard times. The notion is ridiculous. People didnt throw away everythingthey had to follow them around because they told a good yarn. The buddha & his monks didnt spend their lives

traipsing from city to city, muhammad go to war, & the nazarene get crucified in the belief that what they saidwere figments of their imaginations. Karens answer is that they understood the mysterious power of theimaginative world which after all is responsible even for science (& it is at this point that the contradiction inher position is patent). Bull! When I say that we are a single creature (I gave explanations in 13/2/01 26/2/01though its obvious) I make no distinction between the world of the imagination & the practical world ofpolitical events or between metaphysical & literal the consequences are the same in all of them.

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*

Im behind the dune of a very beautiful beach a bit north of Point Labatt. There is a colonyof australian sea lions that you can view from the top of the cliff at the point. Normally Im not much for touristspots but I was impressed. I counted over 100 of them through the binoculars lying about like maggots spreadout sparsely over a large area of red rock. Apparently its the largest aussie mainland colony of them & they arevery endangered as are other sea lion species around the world. These are the seals where the males grow to ahuge size & can weigh up to 400 kilos. You have to go round Baird Bay to the western side of it to get here. It isaustralias only endemic seal. For a distance of some 13 ks the land on the peninsula is about to be sold off in250+ acre lots so access points to great beaches like this one will be closed off. Apparently issues of publicindemnity prevent land owners allowing access I was told by some people who were fishing. Its 6.00 & there isno one here now. There is a change on the way which I hope doesnt bring much rain as Im itching to do a walknorth along the beaches & south along the rim of the cliff from Point Labatt towards Cape Radstock. There are

thunderstorms about. Tonight Ill be setting my rubbish bag trap again. The mouse must be getting very hungry& thirsty. Id like to turf him out to give him a chance. A guy with teeth like hes got should survive almostanywhere.

*

there was

a man in the suburbs

who prayed that he be

a sailor

and his mind becamean ocean

shimmering fishes were

its cells

then he knew that life was

governed

by the surging of the waves

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Wednesday 24/4/02.

the boy listened

to the whorls of the shell

whispering

the secrets of the sea

all life comes from the seacome back to me

come back to me

so he went to the beach

and made a castle

of sand

born from the shells of the sea

*

The mouse was particularly active during the night & I was extremely alert before falling asleepfor a short time from exhaustion. The paper bag strategy didnt work as he gnawed his way in through thebottom & because I was hearing mainly various pitches of gnawing instead of rustling I had assumed he wasntin there. I kept worrying that he was working on a water container. It seemed to me that his determination wascapable of anything. When I checked the contents of the bag this morning before burning it I found that he hadgnawed through the empty milk cartons, in which he would have found some moisture, & the mackerel filletcontainer into which I had put the emptied can. There would have been a bit of briny moisture there too. He dida few sprints around the inside of the car which made me disinclined to lie naked on the sleeping bag though itwas uncomfortably hot inside. A desperate thought came to me : that when I get into Streaky Bay 50 or so ks tothe north, as I will have to do for petrol, maybe I should get a mousetrap.

*

Before leaving Melbourne I had told H that I would write less on this trip as I wanted totip the balance of my days towards walking. I wanted to be more carefree & recover some of the health that Ilose in the city. A few alcohol-free days have already benefitted but the writing has got out of hand so I want tofinish off the piece for publication. As usual I have left the subject that I find most difficult to get my headaround till the end. In the last piece I put out I said that all killing is murder & that religions that supply pastorsfor the army stink. I meant to set out my basis for saying it as much for my own clarification as for others.Blaise Pascal would have it that in the final analysis, when we examine the reasons for our reasons, we haveonly two sources of primary knowledge : intuition & revelation. Wittgenstein claims that the bedrock isconsensus of a fundamental kind where we have agreed on, by jointly practicing, the basic moves of the

language game. I suggest that Wittgensteins bedrock is underlaid by other strata : the cooperation between theorgans of the body which itself is a development of the regularities & synchronicities that govern atoms,molecules etc. But this is airy-fairy stuff. All I want to do in todays entry is to explain that I do not hold thesekind of positions for what I say about killing. I gain no support from the commandments of moses as it is quiteclear that Thou Shalt Not Kill only applied to the tribes of israel amongst themselves. Its purpose wasundoubtedly to cement them into a nation. The way the law was interpreted is shown by their subsequentmurder of the Canaanites. Besides there were all kinds of exceptions even among themselves : sorcerers were tobe killed out of hand etc. The biblical commandment has more holes in it than a sieve & thats how it has beencorrectly interpreted ever since. But I say, categorically, that you are never allowed to kill others except whenthey request to be released from pain (torturers will interpret this in the way that suits them). It is obvious (I

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hope) that, unlike moses, I do not base my ban on a revelation. But suppose that on one of my walks a sandhillsuddenly became enveloped in a smoky cloud & a voice from inside the cloud said : Youre wrong, mate, yourenot allowed to help people kill themselves for release from pain. Youre never allowed to kill anyone includingyourself except for self-protection, or if theyre sorcerers or demons, or evil threatening to overcome the world,or to protect civilization as we know it, or for the sake of women & children & freedom & justice or if they areinfidels. (19/5/02. Sounds like a burning Bush to me - helenz)

Gods, like men, revere the boys who die for them in battle.

Heraclitus

In that case my answer is I do not recognize the authority of sky gods. I would of course be mightilyimpressed especially if to demonstrate that he meant it he zapped the ground next to me with a bolt of lightning.I would be forced to run for cover, to hide from his wrath, but if he found me so be it. I disagree utterly withSoren Kierkegaards meditation on the abraham isaac story. I suspect it was invented by priests with claims togods word to con people into blindly following their ridiculous instructions. The fact is people do hear voices (Ihave heard my name called) that can tell them to kill themselves or others because they are demons etc. etc. & if

they obey they are acting no differently to moses & the churchmen ( the inquisitors burnt so many witches).Nor do I lay claim to an intuition not to kill. I suspect the opposite : that the urge to kill those who we believethreaten our lives is wired into us almost as compellingly as the life urge itself. My problem with Pascalsdistinction is that when I look hard at those two words they merge into each other. The most extensivelydocumented account we have of revelation is that of the verses of muhammad (koran) which were dictated toscribes over many years (he was illiterate) & where we have many accounts of how he looked, whether hetrembled, or fainted etc. at those times. If he had claimed that they were the poetic expressions of a heatedimagination or intuition people would have found it just as acceptable though they wouldnt have supported himin his political activities. The greeks attributed poetry to the muses. Nor do I gain any help from Wittgenstein. Inhis scheme language has nothing to say on why we should or shouldnt kill but it enables science & the nuclearbomb. Hardly anyone agrees with me. So I say again without invoking any authority, nor claiming it myself :

Thou Shalt Not Kill.

*Did a 4 hour walk north along the coast that had a bleak aspect. One section looks just

like parts of Victorias west coast that is also limestone cliff. It must be the knowledge of the sea lion colony thatkept making me think of coasts Ive seen on telly of islands near antarctica. As you walk you know the oceanstretches all the way south to there. About of it was beach with rather yielding sand that sloped steeply intothe water so that it was hard to walk on. The plants along the edge of the beach are varied & there is no marramgrass here yet. There is a 4x4 track along the cliff top & evidence that the beaches get visited.

*

in the womb of the wave

dead men float

waiting

to be born into sand

Helen

Thursday 25/4/02. 8.20 am (7.50 SA time). Yesterday evening after tea but still in goodlight as I sat in the car after completing the journal entry I heard the familiar mad scamper of feet. I hadassumed whenever I heard it at night that he was running about in the interior of the car, perhaps along the

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plastic curtains & upside down on the upholstery of the ceiling. So I was surprised to discover that he was (Icould track his movements exactly) in the ceiling cavity between the upholstery & the roof panels. That put anew dimension on it as it explained why I could never catch him by emptying out the car. The panelsthemselves are hollow with access holes on the inner surfaces giving him large spaces to roam in completesafety. I also realized that he wasnt going to die of thirst. The whole body is rusty & I hear water dripping inseveral spots inside the panels when it rains. I went to bed in what has become my normal state of alertness. Therubbish bag had an empty milk carton & kipper fillets tin in it for bait. It was a new bag to replace the holed one

made of a very crisp plastic that crackled at the slightest touch. I also had some crackly cellophane inside thatthe corn thins had been in. I put the bag in a more strategic position lower down with the opening against thetop of a box to encourage him to walk straight into the open larder instead of gnawing from the bottom. It wasntlong before I heard the familiar pattering, small clattering (loose items in the open box I keep diary, pen etc. in)& then rustling. I gave him plenty of time to give him a chance to get engrossed in the gnawing so he wouldnthear me putting on the head torch, getting out of the sleeping bag & creeping to lean over the back seat ready toclap the top of the bag shut. Everything went to plan & there I was starkers, triumphantly holding the bag nextto my ear listening for any sound inside. I wanted to be sure this time. His technique was to lie very stillpretending he wasnt there then after enough time had passed without me moving the bag Id hear him stir. Afterputting on my sandals holding the neck of the bag in one hand I gave it a thorough shaking & once again held itvery still. Sure enough after awhile there was a faint rustling. It didnt bother me going out naked into a cool,

breezy night spitting with rain 100 yards into the bushes to shake the bag out I was that excited. I shookeverything out as I was meaning to collect & bury the rubbish when I got up in the morning which Ive done. Ihad thoughtlessly taken off the head torch so I didnt actually get to see him scamper away but I wasnt feelingsentimental. I got back into bed with relief rather than joy. I was beginning to forget what a good nights sleepfelt like. I lay there lapping up the precious peace & quiet when I heard the familiar scamper, then the rustling.Then the rustling was much louder & I realized he was scrambling about in the empty bag. Once again I washovering over it & sure enough there he was inside making little jumps unable to get out. I didnt even have tosnatch at the bag to close the neck before making absolutely sure he was inside this time. It was only the secondopportunity I had had to set eyes on him properly. I sat on the seat holding it in front of my face gloating. Iforgot to put on the sandals but I had my head torch on as I trekked naked into the scrub. I still didnt see himwhen I shook the bag open but I knew the little buggers can move like greased lightning. I carefully checked

inside the bag & smoothed it out to be absolutely sure I wasnt carrying him back inside. This time I did feel joyas I crawled back into the cot & heaved a sigh of pleasure. It felt like a special occasion & to mark it I checkedthe time. It was only 9.10 pm, plenty of time for a good nights sleep. Then I heard the familiar scamper in whatI now knew was the ceiling of the van. That was the moment I realized for the first time, with a sense betweenhopelessness & resignation, that what I had in the car was not a mouse with an o but mice with an i. I collectedmy thoughts. I definitely knew I had thrown one out but probably I had thrown out 4 when you counted the twoefforts on previous days. I had one other mouse still in the car but probably more. I had refined a method oftrapping them using the Technical Book Shop take away bag. The bag was set. I caught another one exactly atmidnight. After that it was quiet for a long time & I was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, I had seenthe last of them. I wasnt confident though & at 12.50 I had another one. These last two had been considerablybigger than the one I had got earlier & I reckon that given time they would have scrambled out of the bag if I

had left them. From then on it was quiet & my confidence grew as I realized that after each event the overallnoise level of scratchings, rustling, small thumps & scampers had been decreasing. It was a good sign. Finally Ifell into a deep sleep from which I didnt wake till a bit before dawn when I heard the patter of feet in the ceilingagain. It was a one off & perhaps I dreamt it. Ive smoothed out & carefully folded the plastic bag in case I needit in the future & will set it tonight. Should you want to employ the same method you get them when you buy abook from Australias Largest Technical and Specialist Bookshop. 295 Swanston Street Melbourne 3000Australia. Telephone 0396633951. Fax 0396632094. info@ techbooks.com.auhttp://www.techbooks.com.auThe key to it is the kind of plastic the bag is made of : it is too slippy for them to get a foothold to climb out.

*

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(5.20 pm. Coll. 9.12 Ess 4.9. Hi, Don!) Got engrossed in watching the sea lions thismorning for over an hour. You get a perfect overview of the whole colony from the platform at the cliff top.There are about 80 animals. (28/4/02. Counted about another 50 on the granite island just off Cape Blanche 20ks away. The whole area between should be a conservation zone instead of the pitiful 2 ks or so around PointLabatt. Saw a squid trawler all lit up just off the point this morning. Sea lions eat squid, cuttlefish & lobsters.)The count I did a couple of days ago is incorrect because I mistakenly included some ordinary fur seals in a

group out on the furthest rocks. A smaller number of fur seals were there again this morning. Its an amazingnatural wonder & the whole peninsula should be a national park to protect them instead of the scrub being soldoff. They were much more active today & noisy. They breed alternately in winter & summer every 18 months.There were plenty of pups suckling mothers as they lay about on their backs. There was one majestic bull with aharem of about 7 females who lay with one flipper casually over the biggest females neck. Sea lions are wellshaped for snuggling together & tend to lie about in groups. Females are most numerous as the males roamaway visiting colonies hundreds of kilometres away. Sharks hang around the colony but apparently a sea lioncan outswim them. There was a very small pup, the smallest by far in the whole colony, who was wanderingabout from one female to the other but always getting rebuffed. I had noticed him the day before yesterday too.He must have been abandoned or his mother taken at sea. I think he was starving to death. Sometimes when apup finished suckling an apparently sleeping mother he would try to slowly edge his way to the teat but shed

always wake up & chase him off. When a mother went crook at him hed flatten himself on the groundsubmissively. On one occasion he cried piteously but no one took any notice. The colony looks verycomfortable among the flattish rounded red granite rocks that make a platform that juts hundreds of metres intothe sea with many convenient swimming pools for the pups. The surrounding land was donated to theconservation people by the local landowner so that the colony would be better protected as they were gettingshot from the clifftop. Afterwards I went for a walk along the edge of the very spectacular cliff that runs for 10or so kilometres to Cape Radstock. From the highest point at the cape you get a comprehensive view over JonesIsland & the mouth of Baird Bay back along the coast I had come including my camping spot before this one &the one on the cliff edge where I must have collected the mice. I hurried back along a straighter line as I wantedto get in the last quarter of the Coll/Ess footy match which I knew from last week was being broadcast on thelocal station. The walk took about 5 hours. When I got back I had another look at the colony hoping that the

mother of the pup was back but the situation hadnt changed. Drove back to the spot behind the beach & listenedto the last quarter of the footy as I ate tea. Yair a pretty good day.

*

I am afraid one day as I look

at the tiny shells left by

the receding tide

I will

see such beauty

that knowing it to beonly the faintest reflection

of the far greater beauty

my dim eyes

cannot see

my mind

will be shattered

like coloured glass and I will

never be able to put it into words

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Friday 26/4/02. Ive still got mice in the car : the shy ones that wont go into the trap. Ivebrushed out the new droppings but theyre everywhere. (28/4/02. Caught the last mouse yesterday evening in thetrap. It had gnawed through 6 cartons of milk during the day on friday.) (3/5/02. Streaky Bay. Got newmouse/mice in the car.) (6/5/02. Tumby Bay. The following night the mouse had gone & Ive been free of themsince. Rang H from Cummins : Vis got into a nursing home with an activities program (21/5/02. Called Bodalla& run by the uniting church & the nurses are chatty & she likes it); Joes broken up with Mon; Kate finished theteaching round satisfactorily; Dan has gone to London & claims that if it doesnt work out he will try something

new when he gets back (21/5/02. Made a reverse charge call saying that the agency had put him up in the citycentre & he was loving it. Could be away for 6 months he said but has not done a job or looked for work yet & Igive him about a month); Ben is depressed.)

*

Meaning is entirely in the usage. The commandment Thou Shalt Not Kill has been usedto provide a cloak of moral high ground for killing people under its various clauses of exception to the rule. Toaccept them requires me to erect barriers between myself & others with the supposition that under certaincircumstances people might become inhuman & unreachable. I do not have the knowledge to make suchjudgements & if I did would not be prepared to assume the authority to act on them. I do not recognize the

legitimacy of any government that funds armed forces let alone produces weapons of mass destruction. Idespise the christian churches for their pretence to be honouring the memory of the man who (though he said hehad not come to change the law) had wanted to reinterpret the commandment so that men would have becomelike lambs (sacrificial?) (most of the other animals dont kill members of their own species either.) His radicalproposal would have changed the world but it was counter-intuitive & doomed to failure. His example lapsed.No one can know the future because it would make change impossible but we can discern potentials in thepresent. Perhaps he feared that unless they changed men would destroy themselves.

The prophets voice possessed of god requires no ornament, no sweetening of tone, but

carries over a thousand years.

Heraclitus

& I sense that our civilization is drawing to a conclusion. There will be many afterwardswho will say we saw it coming but then we didnt. & I suggest, should there be anyone who hears what I amsaying, that preparations be made. I make only one : I reaffirm my loyalty to the memory of a mild prophet,teacher & healer who failed to change human nature & wanted to help others but couldnt save himself.(3/5/02.Yesterday at Speed Point just out of Yanerbie which is 19 ks south of Streaky Bay I met a traveller who seemedvery competent. He had fitted out the bus we had coffee & biscuits in himself. He was an ex-abalone diver &a surfie. We shared a knowledge of very specific spots on the NSW coast such as Goalen Head. He is based outof Torquay in Victoria. He advised I get a Mitsubishi 4x4 as they have had plenty of time to refine it & the partswould be much cheaper than the VW & people knew how to work on them. He said he had a vision of jesuswhen he was in an alternative community in fiji & his life had only one purpose now. On the front of his van

was the quote from John 10.10 I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it moreabundantly. He was predicting an apocalyptic age. I regret now I didnt stay to listen more as he would havetalked on & on. I gave him some of my pieces because of our common interests & drove off to have a meal inprivate by the water at Yanerbie. On reflection I cannot detect any difference in the status of his experience &the relevatory ecstasy described by Blaise Pascal whos Pensees I have with me in the car. But because Pascalwas a great scientist & is acknowledged to have been one of europes foremost intellects his experience is takenseriously but an ex-abalone diver & surfie wasnt able to hold my attention even though I have had a relatedexperience myself.)

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To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists,

manifesting itself to us as the highest wisdom and the

most radiant beauty, which our dull faculties can

comprehend only in their most primitive forms this

knowledge, this feeling, is at the centre of all true

religiousness. In this sense, and in this sense only, I belong

to the ranks of devoutly religious men.

Einstein

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