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[AND OTHER FRIENDSHIP CONUNDRUMS]

ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT HOLDS THE POWER TO BUOY USCAN ALSO SINK US, OR SET US ADRIFT. FROM THE AMBIGUOUS

TO THE TRULY BAD, FRIENDS COME IN MANY SHADES.

by CARLIN FLORA» Illustrations by EDDIE GUY

January/February 2013 Psychology Today 63

meshing had frayed, and soon Shane had the courage to end it."Our friendship never grew up," she says. "We could not get pastthe fifth grade."

Since "ftiendfluence" is so powerful, our pals can just as eas-ily have negative effects as positive ones. Even caring, compat-ible friends can vex or hurt us. And the fluid nature of friend-ship sometimes makes its darker waters harder to navigate thanconflicts in romantic or family relationships.

The Problem of DriftYOUR FRIENDS MAY be perfectly considerate companions,

but they can still have a subtly negative influence on you. Theseare friends whose goals, values, or habits are misaligned withyour ideals—often in subtle ways—causingyou to drift awayfrom your core self and, consequently, from the aspirationsmost suited to you. Gretchen Rubin, author of The HappinessProject, defines the concept of "drift" as "the decisionyou makeby not deciding." If you're drifting, you might feel that you arelivingsomeone else's life, and you might daydream about escap-ing your circumstances. Drift often comes about when you do

Blood pressure is higherSHANE SHAPS remembers ^ h e n weYe ill the compai iy ofthe day her friend Claudia* pushed her "aiTibivalent" f r i e n d s t h a n it IS w h e nto climb the monkey bars when they ^^'^Q ^mOYlg peOple We deSCnbe aSwere little girls m Louisville, Kentucky. ^̂ . ,fv» .Terrifiedofheights,Shanefellandbroke IiegatlVe tOrCeS m OUr hveS.her wrist. That type of pressure fromClaudia was typical. But they had beencompanions since they were infants,and Claudia continued to be an important—yet on balance nega- things because the people around you are doing them.tive—figure in Shane's life. "Our parents were close friends," "Yoursenseofwhatisrightforyoubecomescloudedbywhatsays Shane, now 40 and a social-media consultant and mother of other people think is right," Rubin notes. For example, you drifttwo. "It was a codependent relationship: She bossed me around, into marriage because all your friends are gettingmarried. Driftand I let her do it." in friendships can also happen when you grow and change while

During college, the two lived together for a few summers, your friends do not, or when you haven't quite figured out yourand they moved into the same building after graduation. But own talents and beliefs and are susceptible to conformingto thethe push-pull dynamic continued, with Shane intermittently values of those around you. One friend of mine wonders: Wouldreceiving support from her more confident friend. Duringone I have been more thoughtful as a young man if I'd had morelow point, Claudia never received an anniversary card Shane conscientious and studious buddies back in college, instead ofhad sent her. Furious, Claudia called Shane to complain that her agroup of hedonistic fratguys?friend had forgotten her wedding anniversary. The right group—one that validates who you are and also

When Claudia later hosted abridal shower for Shane, their projects an ideal version of yourself—can lift you up almostrelationship had become so awkward that Shane tried to demote effortlessly over time. In contrast, staying with the wrong crowdher frombridesmaid to guest. Claudia respondedbywritingher: will leave you walking against the wind, having to exert more"I'll be there and I'll be in the pictures. You can look at me for all and more effort just to move forward.of time." Claudia's parents hosted a dinner party for the bride the Avoiding drift shouldn't be confused with ladder climbing, ornight before the wedding, but once Claudia's father learned of usingpeople to get ahead. Blunt networking is anathema to mak-the underlying drama, he refused to speak to Shane. The familial ing friends. Yet forgingsincere friendships with people who bring

64 Psychology Today January/February 2013

iV

outyour potential will likely help you getahead and bring you more contentmentthan could any amount of card swapping.

The Mixed-BagBuddy

Sometimes it's better to letbad friendships wither rather than

to end them outright, whichcould spark a desire for revenge.

THE LATE RAY PAHL, a British sociologist, conducted a poll ofabout a thousand people and discovered that almost two-thirdsidentified friends as one of the biggest sources of stress in theirlives. Whether it's the friend who criticizes your fiancé or theone who clings to you with a needy grip, friendship is not as rosyas it's sometimes portrayed. Journalist and philosopher MarkVernon, who has examined Pahl's research, notes: "Friendsare the main cause of arguments with partners and families."And many people admit to wanting to lose at least five "fiabby"friends—those akin to the extra pounds that a regular workoutwould shed. Think of the fiabby as those who don't necessarilyincite strong emotions, negative or positive. Maybe you feel avague obligation to keep up with them, butyou don't feel nour-ished by their company.

Friends who stir up both affection and annoyance, however,are much harder to manage or shed. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, ofBrigham Young University, has studied ambivalent friendships—those that are both agreeable and disagreeable. Subjects in oneof her studies wore a blood-pressure monitor that recordedevery interaction they had. Unsurprisingly, encounters withpeople the subjects felt primarily positive toward were associ-ated with their lowest blood-pressure rates. Intriguingly, bloodpressure is higher when we're in the company of "ambivalent"friends than when we're amongpeople we describe as "negative"forces in our lives. "Because ambivalent friends are unpredict-able, the subjects probably had a heightened level of vigilancewhile with them, which could explain the blood-pressure spike,"Holt-Lunstad says. True "frenemies" maybe less taxing than

Passion and Pathos: Three Twisted PairingsFROM PARTNER SWAPPING TO JEALOUSY AND VIOLENCE, A-LISTERS ARE HARDLYIMMUNE TO COMPLICATED CONNECTIONS.

PAUL GAUGUIN (left) and VINCENT VANGOGH (pictured in thefilm¿.!7sf/br/./fe)shared an artistic vision distinct from thatof the Impressionists and encouraged eachother in their outsider views. Both producedmasterpieces during the height of theirfriendship in the late 1880s, even workingtogether in a studio in the south of France.When Gauguin announced he was return-ing to Paris, the mutual devotion turneddangerous, as van Gogh felt betrayed. Somehistorians claim van Gogh stalked Gauguinwith a razor and in a fit sliced off his ownear. Another recent account speculates thatthe injury might have been at the handsof Gauguin, during a sword fight. There'sevidence that the two made a pact to keepthe matter a secret. Van Gogh moved to amental hospital and the two stayed in touchuntil van Gogh committed suicide in 1890.

Since the 1970s, the Cuban dictatorFIDEL CASTRO (right) has been closefriends with the Nobel Prize-winning nov-elist GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ, whoclaimed once that "Fidel is the sweetestman I know." He shows Castro all of hismanuscripts before he sends them to hispublisher. Fidel was happy to have thesupport of a revered intellectual such asMarquez, who had a sort of obsession withpower. At some point, it became a realfriendship. The costs of this relationshipto Marquez, however, include a falling-outwith another good friend, the novelist MarioVargas Llosa, as well as bias in Marquez'sgenerally objective journalism; He reportedthe Elian González affair in an unnuanced,pro-Cuban manner, for instance. Althoughprivately Marquez is said to take Castro totask on certain policies, he never speaksagainst him publicly.

Grammy-winning singer SHANIA TWAIN(left) lived a tale fit for a country song withher close friend MARIE-ANNE THIÉBAUD.In 2008, Twain discovered that Thiébaudwas having an affair with her husband of 14years, Robert Lange, which led to a divorce.(Lange and Thiébaud have denied gettingtogether before the breakup.) Twain wasso devastated by the affair that she made adeal with Lange: Marie-Anne would nevercome in contact with their son, Eja. The plotthickened when Shania fell for Thiébaud'ssimilarly betrayed mate. In what ultimatelyresulted in a husband swap. Twain and Fré-déric Thiébaud were married in 2011. Twaingushed in a statement to her fans; "FrédéricNicolas Thiébaud has been a true gift to meas a compassionate, understanding friend,and over time, an amazing love has blos-somed from this precious friendship."

January/February 2013 Psychology Today 67

those sometimes great, sometimes not so much pals.Why do we keep these ambivalent companions? Are they

part of a dense network we can't escape? That was the case withsome of the subjects in Holt-Lunstad's follow-up study, but thetop reason for maintaining these relationships was not externalbut internal pressure. "Subjects wanted to see themselves as thetype of person who can keep friends," she says.

Teasingbanter with pals is an entertaining release for many,yet outright negative and competitive encounters with friendsmight wreak havoc on your health by unleashing inflamma-tion in the body. Jessica Chiang, a graduate student at UCLA,and colleagues had volunteers keep diaries documenting all oftheir good, bad, and competitive interactions (from games andsports to work or academic rivalry to interpersonal competi-tion—say, vying for attention at a party). She then measuredsubjects' levels of pro-inflammatory cjrtokines. Higher levels ofthese cytokines were found in those who had told more negativeand competitive tales in their journals.

"Inflammation is a healthy response," Chiangsays. "We need

Though it might be naive, wehave a belief that friendships are

forever, whereas most datingrelationships are expected to end.

are motivated to maintain a certain image of one another echoesadvice some psychologists dole out to couples: Having positiveillusions about your beloved can hold the two of you togetherlonger than a cold, clear view will.

One honesty killer is the need to believe a friend is exactlylike you. Friendship researcher Jan Yager discusses the "mir-ror-image trap" in her book When Friendship Hurts. "Doesyour friend fall into the trap of assuming everyone shouldapproach life the same way that she does? Instead of respect-ing your differences, does she try to change you or tell youthat you are wrong?"

Dissectingthe latest political scandal with buddies can set offpersonal conflicts. It's easy to feel so passionately about an issuethat you assume all good and rational human beings—includingyour friends, naturally—will take your side. Some can relish arousing debate and appreciate friendly sparring. But for thosewho themselves fall into the mirror-image trap, disagreementon a social issue can feel like apersonal affront, one with a scaryunderlyingmessage: "We're not as close and mutually admiring

as we thought."If you're on the other end of a debate

with a friend who insists the two of youremain "twinsies," Yager suggests thatyou might keep your opinions to your-self, or even lie. You'll just have to biteyour tongue on charter schools or thedeath penalty; otherwise you risk havinga distinctly unproductive conversationthat leaves you less enlightened aboutthe issue at hand and more frustratedwith your friendship.

it to heal wounds, for example. But activating that system whenyou don't have to, in the absence of physical injury, is danger-ous over time. Those who suffer from chronic inflammation candevelop cardiovascular problems, arthritis, and depression."Chiang notes that leisurely competition, such as playing gamesor sports, did not increase inflammation, while the other formsof competition did. "The media coverage of'toxic friends' mightbe an exaggeration," she says, "but over years, an accumulationof social Stressors really could cause physical damage."

The Mirror-Image Trap"A TRUE FRIEND stabs you in the front," Oscar Wilde said.

True friends by this definition may be rare indeed: Our closebuddies, in fact, avoid extreme honesty when it might hurt us.They may even misperceive reality because they are so investedin the relationship—they need to discount truths that could rockits foundation. That's the conclusion that Weylin Sternglanzand Bella DePaulo came to after they found that while friendsare better than strangers at using nonverbal cues to identifyemotions, less close friends are better than closer ones at sniff-ing out hidden negative emotions. The idea that good friends

Brutal Betrayal andNatural Demise

A PAL WHO broadcasts our most sensitive secrets is goingbeyond the normal human instinct to gossip. Certainly, friendshave the power to hurt us profoundly. When people pull awayor use their knowledge about us to create emotional weapons,their behavior can be scarring.

Sixty-eight percent of those Jan Yager surveyed for her bookhad been betrayed by a friend. In addition to repeatingconfldenc-es, common betrayals include spreadinglies or rumors, stealinga lover, and not paying back financial loans. Betrayals are morecommon among friends who have grown apart. For that reason.Yager recommends letting those friendships wither rather thanending them outright, which could spark a desire for revenge.

Shedding friends naturally is quite common. PsychologistLaura Carstensen mapped friend quantity over time and foundthatthe number of people we hangout with dwindles afrer age 17,increases in our 30s and declines again from age 40 to 50. Losingfriends is inevitable—some sort of pruning as we travel throughdifferent life stages only makes sense. Keeping up with all the

68 Psychology Today January/February 2013 THERAPISTS: Inieresled in receiving Conlinuing Ed credit for reading [his article'^

friends we've ever had would be verytaxing and would surely cancel out thegood influence of friends who can bestsupport us through each era. Still, whentwo friends are not on the same time-table or of the same opinion about howclose they should be, egos get bruised.

Also, changes in marital status oftendismantle friendships. When a spousedies, friends may not feel comfortablewith the newly single, and they mayend up choosing sides when a couple divorces. Indeed, part-ing ways with a buddy can be more difficult and complicatedthanbreakingup with aboyfriend, says Susan ShapiroBarash,author of Toxic Friends. Though it might be naive, we have abelief that friendships are forever, whereas most dating rela-tionships are expected to end. Friend breakups, she adds, canchallenge our sense of self, especially if we've been invested inand intertwined with a friend for many years.

Such breakups are especially difficult for women. Clinicalpsychologist Terri Apter has studied friendship in women andgirls, noting that women have higher expectations for friend-ships than do men. Some think that for a friendship to be viableit has to be pretty perfect: When there are differences or achange in the emotional weather, they may feel it's all comingapart. If something is a little bit bad, they want to make it all bad.

But as complex as friendships can be, a life without them islikely more devastating. Social neuroscientist John Cacioppo

Some people thinkthat friendship has to be perfect.If something is a little bit bad, then

they want to make it all bad.

describes loneliness as the fallout from not fulfilling a bio-logical need for social contact, one almost as strong as thirstor hunger. Thanks to his work, we know that loneliness isassociated with the progression of Alzheimer's disease, obe-sity, diminished immunity, alcoholism, and suicidal thoughts.Exposing yourself to the vulnerabilities that come with inti-

macy, withstanding the discomfortof connecting to people who are dif-ferent from you, and striving to assertyour authentic self among pals eagerto sway you in other directions aremost certainly worthwhile strugglescompared with the bleak alternativeof friendlessness. PT

CARLIN FLORA is a former features editor of

Pfand the author of Friendfluence.

Making and Keeping the Good Friends

New friends can betterreflect your currentcircumstances andprovide you with emo-tional and practicalsupport, while old pals-those repositories ofshared memories—canconnect your presentlife with your past.

MAKING'EM

The Loneliness Paradox:If you've been suffering from a lack offriends for a while, there's a chance yoursocial meter is distorted—making youmore cynical and less receptive to good-natured overtures from others. Startexpecting better from them, and theywill deliver.

Friend-Date:Don't be afraid to ask an interestingacquaintance out for coffee. He or shewill probably be flattered. You'd putyourself on the line for love; why not doso for friendship?

Fight the Similarity Drive:We're drawn to people like us, butresearch has found that friendships withthose who don't precisely fit our profilecan be even more satisfying than perfectmatches.

KEEPING'EM

Request and Grant Favors:If a friend asks for a reasonable favor, doit immediately. Ask for a hand, too, andyou'll give your friends the chance to feelimportant and virtuous.

Give and Receive Feedback:Offer gentle yet honest critiques when afriend asks, and accept her perspectiveon you and your behavior without defen-siveness.

Embrace Conflict:Accept that occasional tiffs are part offriendship. If you're in it for the long haul,the two of you will have to learn to com-municate misunderstandings. Don't let afriendship fadejust because you'd ratheravoid bringing up a grievance.

Ceiebrate!You know you're supposed to be therewhen a friend needs a shoulder to cry on,but studies show that the ability to sharein a friend's joys is even more important.

Adapted from Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who l^e^Are. by Carlin FloraCDoubleday, January 2013). January/February 2013 Psychology Today 69

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