Amy Hatvany - Heart Like Mine (Extract)

7/28/2019 Amy Hatvany - Heart Like Mine (Extract)

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Praise forHeart Like Mine

Beautiul and deeply moving, Amy Hatvany writes about thetangled web o amily in a way that makes you laugh, cry, cheerand ache. This book has so much heart.

Sarah Jio,New York Times bestselling author

A heartelt, moving story about the lasting eects o grie amidstamily bonds and breakups, and the healing powers o love, hones-ty, and acceptance. Hatvany writes with such wise compassion or

every one o her characters.Ser Prince Halverson

Heart Like Mine earlessly explores men and women desperateto measure up to the rigors o parenthood, but still ailing theirchildren. Hatvany bring sympathy and compassion to the page,while never losing sight o the damage children suer when theirparents make bad decisions.

Randy Susan Meyers

A palpable love story, emotional search or and acceptance oa lost parent, and a bittersweet ending make or an enveloping,heartelt read.

Publishers Weekly

There are no storybook perect endings here, but this compellingnovel raises the possibility o a hopeul way orward.

The Seattle Times

Will delight readers . . . vivid and written with a depth o eeling.

Library Journal

Like a gorgeous dark jewel, Hatvanys novel explores the tragedyo a mind gone awry, a tangled bond o ather and daughter, andth h d l t i It d h t th b t f ti


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By turns gripping and revelatory, Heart Like Mine is a sym-pathetic exploration o blended amily dynamics. In her aectingnew novel, Amy Hatvany pulls no punches; her characters grapple

with lies big momentsmarriage, parenthood, deathbut sherenders each o them with compassion and understanding. Heart

Like Mine tells an honest, hopeul story that resonates in all thebest ways.

Jillian Medo


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hear like

ine

Amy HAtvANy


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First published in Australia and New Zealand by Allen & Unwin in 2013First published in the United States in 2013 by Washington Square Press,a division o Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Copyright Amy Hatvany 2013

All rights reserved. No part o this book may be reproduced or transmitted inany orm or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,recording or by any inormation storage and retrieval system, without priorpermission in writing rom the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968(the Act) allows a maximum o one chapter or 10 per cent o this book,whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution orits educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or bodythat administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright AgencyLimited (CAL) under the Act.

Allen & Unwin83 Alexander StreetCrows Nest NSW 2065AustraliaPhone: (61 2) 8425 0100Email: [email protected]

Web: www.allenandunwin.com

Cataloguing-in-Publication details are availablerom the National Library o Australiawww.trove.nla.gov.au

ISBN 978 1 74331 707 5

Printed and bound in Australia by Grifn Press

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
mailto:[email protected]://www.allenandunwin.com/http://www.trove.nla.gov.au/http://www.trove.nla.gov.au/http://www.allenandunwin.com/mailto:[email protected]


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Grace

Later, I would look back ad woder what I was doig the exact

momet Kelli died.

Whe I let the house or work that morig, othig was

dieret. There was o sese o impedig doom, o omious

soudtrack playig i the back o my mid warig me that my

world was about to chage. There was oly victor asleep i ourbed, ad me, as usual, tryig my best ot to wake him as I kissed

him good-bye.

It was a Friday i late October, ad I droe my usual route

dowtow, takig i the dark silhouette o the Seattle skylie

etched agaist a coral sky. Good morig, I said to my assistat,

Taya, ater Id parked ad etered the buildig. She was a stu-

ig woma with ski the color o the deepest, richest cocoa who

aored brightly hued dresses to show o her abudat cures.

A preWeight Watchers Jeier Hudso, I told my best ried,

Melody, describig Taya to her ater I iitially iteriewed her

or the job.

Morig, she said, so ocused o whateer she was doig

that she barely looked up rom her computer scree. Her log redails clackety-clacked o her keyboard. Six moths ago, Taya


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2 Amy Hatvany

eeded a assistat, so we seemed like a perect match. Id take

oer as CEO o Secod Chaces the preious all, hoored to take

the lead i a orgaizatio that bega i the early ieties as a

simple twety-our-hour support lie or battered wome ad

had slowly grow ito a multiaceted program icludig crisis

respose, couselig, temporary housig, ad job placemet as-

sistace. Wed ee opeed a thrit shop earlier that year, where

our cliets had rst pick o doated clothes or job iteriews

ad later, whe they were ready to go out o their ow, etire

wardrobes. My job was to make sure that the more practical, ad-

miistratie aspects o the program, like udig ad stag, ra

smoothly, but the real reaso Id accepted the job was or the pri-

ilege o helpig wome like Taya rebuild their shattered lies.

I set dow the latte Id bought or her at the ca dowstairs

so it would be withi her reach, the tured ad walked ito myoce, closig the door behid me. I assumed this would be like ay

other day. I positioed mysel at my desk, booted up my computer,

ad reiewed my caledar. Other tha a couple o phoe calls, there

was oly a sta meetig at two oclock, so I got busy studyig the

cliet les Taya had pulled or me. It was time to decide i these

wome were ready to make the trasitio rom our sae houses ito

a place o their ow. Leaig the rst home where theyd elt pro-

tected was ote the hardest step or ictims o domestic iolece; I

made sure we held their had eery step o the way.

I barely looked up rom my papers util a ew hours later,

whe my cell phoe ibrated i my purse. I reached or it with a

skippig, happy eelig i my belly at the sight o victors ame

o the scree. Hi, hoey, I said, glacig dow at the rig o myger. Hed oly proposed e days ago ad I was still uused to


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Heart Like Mine 3

Ca you go pick up the kids rom school or me? victor

asked. His oice was straied ad carried a urgecy I didt rec-

ogize.

What, Im your ace ow, so I dot ee get a hello? I

said, hopig I could tease him out o his seemigly ugly mood.

victor was usually the most easygoig perso I kew; I wodered

i somethig had goe wrog at work, i his head che had called

i sick or oe o his busers dropped a box o wieglasses. Is this

what its goig to be like beig married to you?

Grace, he said. Seriously. I eed you to pick them up ad

take them back to the house. Please.

Whats wrog? I asked, sittig up straight i my chair.

Eery muscle i my body suddely tesed, realizig this wast

just a case o victors haig a bad day.

Its Kelli. Her ried Diae oud her a couple o hours ago.She wast breathig ad . . . I heard him swallow oce, hard.

Shes dead, Grace. Kellis dead.

My mouth wet dry. Kelli. His ex-wife. Oh, holy shit. All the

air pressed out o my lugs; it took a momet or me to be able to

speak. Oh mygod, victor. What happened?

I dot kow the details yet. The medics took her to the ER

ad I guess Im still listed as her emergecy cotact o her isur-

ace pla, so they called me. Ca you pick up the kids?

O course. I stood up, scramblig or my purse. Paic jit-

tered i my chest, picturig their respose to this ews. Aa, es-

pecially, at thirtee, eedig her mother so much, ad Max, who

was oly see ad still had to talk with Kelli beore he could

all asleep the ights he stayed at our house. Max ad Aa, whodidt yet kow that we were egaged. victor had told Kelli the


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4 Amy Hatvany

asked whe he came home. He pressed his lips together ad gae

his head a brie shake. not great, he said, ad I hadt pressed

him urther.

What do you wat me to tell them? I asked him ow, al-

ready worried that whateer I said would be wrog.

nothig, yet. Ill be home as soo as I ca, but I hae to go

to idetiy her His oice broke, ad he cleared it. Her body.

Are you sure you dot wat me to go with you? Id eer

heard him so upset ad elt desperate to do somethig to com-

ort him.

no, just get the kids. Please. Ill gure out what to say to

them beore I get there.

We hug up, ad I hurried outside my oce. Taya tured

her gaze rom her computer to me. Whats wrog?

Its Kelli . . . victors ex. I exhaled a heay breath. Shesdead.

Her had few to her mouth. Oh my god! she said with her

eyes ope wide. She dropped her had back to her lap. What

happeed?

We dot kow yet. victor is o his way to the hospital right

ow.

Oh my god, she said agai, shakig her head. Ill wipe

your caledar or ext week. The sta meetig ca wait. She

paused. Do you wat me to call Stephaie?

I odded, thikig that the best perso to coer or me was

deitely my predecessor, whod retired whe I accepted the job

but still gae her time to us as a oluteer. Thatd be great. Im

ot sure how log Ill be out. Thak you.O course. Ill call i theres aythig urget. Ad let me


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Heart Like Mine 5

car, ad gripped the steerig wheel, tryig to steady mysel be-

ore pullig out o the lot. Thoughts spu i my head; I tried to

imagie what lie would be like or Max ad Aa ater they oud

out their mother was dead. Ad or me as the woma who, by

deault, would wid up stadig i her place.

The ight I met victor, the idea that I might become the mother

to his childre was the urthest thig rom my mid. I act, beig

a mother was pretty much the urthest thig rom my mid any

ight o the week, somethig I tried to explai to my date as we

sat i the bar o victors popular Seattle restaurat, the Lot. At

that momet, I didt kow I was about to meet victor. I didt

kow that he owed the restaurat or that he was diorced

with two kids. All I kew was I eeded to d a way to bail othis date beore it got ay worse. Chad was the college rat boy

whod eer grow up, somethig I hadt realized whe wed

messaged back ad orth o Match.com ad the briefy chat-

ted o the phoe. O paper, he was jocular, sort o uy, ad

had that codet, teeterig-o-the-edge-o-cocky demeaor I

typically oud appealig i a ma, so I gured there wouldt

be much harm i meetig him or a simple drik. Clearly, I had

gured wrog.

So, he said ater wed bee seated, ordered our driks, ad

goe oer the usual iceties o how happy we were to ally

meet i perso. You dot wat kids? He leaed back i his

chair with a odd smirk o his ruddy ace.

I was immediately tured o by the blut challege i histoe; eery iteral red fag I had started waig. My olie pro-


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6 Amy Hatvany

this particular topic. I took a tiy sip o the lemo-drop martii

our serer had just deliered, lettig the cruchy bits o sadig

sugar that lied the rim o my glass dissole o my togue beore

aswerig. Its ot so much that I dot wantthem, I said. More

like Im ot sure Id be ery good as a paret. I hoped my eutral

respose would dissuade him rom pursuig the subject urther.

Dot you like kids? he asked, tiltig his blod head at me.

Yes, I like them, I said, repressig a sigh. It was rustratig

how may people seemed to assume that I was heartless or u-

eelig because I wast rushig to become a mother. Me who

chose a career oer atherhood weret automatically cosidered

assholes. They were classied as deil-may-care George Clooey

types. Ad who didt loe George?

I hae a brother who was bor whe I was thirtee, I ex-

plaied to Chad. Ad I spet te years helpig to raise him be-ore I ally moed out o my parets house, so I sort o leared

rsthad that motherhood really ist or me. My decisio wast

quite as simplistic as Id made it soud, but I was already sca-

ig the room or my quickest escape, so I didt see the sese i

delig deeper tha that with Chad. The Lots bar wast huge,

maybe a total o tee tables. The oly exit was past the hostess,

right i his lie o sight. I I excused mysel to the restroom, the

tried to seak out the rot door, hed see. I took a big swallow

o my drik, hopig the alcohol would smooth the edges o my

growig irritatio.

Well, Chad said as he placed his meaty palms fat o our

small, woode table, I actually beliee its a womas biological

resposibility to reproduce. I mea, hoestly, i you thik aboutit athropologically, your body is really just a support system or


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Heart Like Mine 7

ace beore my mid registered it had gie the commad. Chad

sputtered ad wiped at his eyes with the backs o his hads as I

set the ow-empty glass o the table ad quickly bega gatherig

my thigs.

What the hell is wrongwith you? he said, spittig out the

words.

I stood, pulse poudig, holdig my black leather clutch up

o the table so it wouldt get odka o it. nothig, I said, at-

temptig to take a slow, measured breath. You, howeer, might

beet rom therapy. Out o the corer o my eye, I saw a tall

ma with closely cropped, dark brow hair stridig toward us

rom behid the bar. He wore a black dress shirt ad slacks, both

cut to complemet his laky build.

Chad stood too, ad took a meacig step toward me just as

the ma i black grabbed him by the arm. Looks like you spilledyour drik, he said. I immediately liked him or his attempt at

diplomacy, despite my certaity that he had witessed what ac-

tually happeed. He appeared to be aroud my age, midthirties,

maybe a little bit older. The threads o siler woe through the

hair aroud his temples gae him a distiguished edge ad his

olie-toed ski held the slightly weathered look o a little too

much time spet i the su.

That bitch threw it i my ace! Chad yelled. Eery perso

who hadt bee lookig i our directio suddely was. The

buzz o coersatio ceased, ad the oly souds were the low,

bass-drie backgroud music piped i through the speakers ad

Chads hoarse, agry breathig.

The mas grip tighteed o Chads arm. Sir, I hae to askyou to rerai rom callig this loely woma ames. Im sure it


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8 Amy Hatvany

I shook my head. nope. I threw it at him. He was beig a

ass. Are you the maager?

The ma shook his head a little, too, ad smiled, reealig

white, straight teeth ad a caerous dimple i his let cheek.

The ower, actually. victor Hase. He released his grip o

Chad ad held out his had.

I clasped it quickly but rmly, my greet-the-executie, dot-

mess-with-me hadshake. Grace McAllister. Good to meet you.

I loe this place.

Jesus! Chad iterjected. His ace famed red ad bits o sa-

lia shot out rom his mouth. I you two are doe with your little

schmooze-est, Id like to kow whos goig to pay or my shirt!

victor glaced oer at Chads late-1990s holdoer mustard-

yellow rayo butto-dow, reached ito his pocket, ad oered

him a twety. This should coer it. now, why dot you showsome digity ad walk away?

Chad looked at the bill i victors had but didt take it,

the made a disgusted oise beore grabbig his coat o the back

o his chair ad pushig his way through the bar to the rot door,

kockig ito a ew chairs ad tables as he wet. Outside, he

threw a middle ger up i the air behid him as he walked by

the widow where victor ad I stood.

Wow, victor said, tuckig his moey back i his pocket, I

woder i his mom kows he escaped her basemet?

I laughed. Thak you, I said, reachig ito my purse or my

credit card. I held it out to him. Im happy to pay or our driks.

The other customers stopped lookig at us ad retured to their

ow coersatios; the comortig backgroud oise o glassesad silerware tiklig lled the air.


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Heart Like Mine 9

no, thak god. Just a driks date. I shook my head. Ei-

detly, I eed to work o my screeig process. Maybe I should

start asking for mens relationship rsums and require at least three

glowing references before agreeing to meet.

victor chuckled. Tough out there, ist it?

My eyes stole a glace dow at his let had. no rig.Hmm.

He caught me midglace ad lited his had up, wigglig his bare

ourth ger. Some detectie Id make, huh? I laughed agai,

the reached up to smooth my russet waes.

Luckily, he laughed, too. So, Im thikig the least I ca do

is eed you so the ights ot a total loss. Will you joi me or

dier?

My cheeks fushed, ad I dropped my gaze to the foor beore

lookig back up at him ad smilig. Id like that, I said, but will

you excuse me a momet? I eed to isit the ladies room.O course. He poited me i the right directio, ad I

walked away slowly, coscious o his eyes o me, makig sure

ot to sway my hips i too obious a maer, but eough so

that hed otice the moemet. I the restroom, I stood i rot

o the ull-legth mirror ad swiped o a touch o tited lip

gloss. I took a step back ad examied my refectio. Reddish,

shoulder-legth hair, mussed i that casual, I-meat-it-to-look-

a-little-messy way that had take me oer a hour to achiee.

Pale ski, a spatterig o reckles o my cheeks that o amout

o powder could hide; gree eyes, set eely apart. A swash o

mascara was the oly makeup I wore besides the lip gloss. My

lips were ull eough, ad the gloss deitely helped. Beig that

this was the rst date ight Id had i seeral moths, Id takethe time to go shoppig ad pick out a fatterig pair o dark,


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10 Amy Hatvany

leaer, ad with the help o a good bra, my chest looked perkier

tha usual. Oerall, ot too shabby. I piched my cheeks or a

little color ad retured to the bar, where I oud victor exactly

where Id let him.

All set? he asked, ad I odded, ollowig him through

swigig black doors ito the kitche. As we etered, I hesitated.

Um, do you wat me to put my order i mysel?

victor laughed agai, took my had, ad led me oer to a

high-backed, cushioed red booth o to the side o where the

serers were gathered. no, I wat you to hae the best seat i

the housethe ches table. He gestured or me to sit dow. Ill

be right back. What were you drikig? Lemo Drop?

I smiled. How did you kow?

Smelled it o your date. He wiked, the strode oer past

the stailess steel couter behid which seeral cooks were eithersautig, whiskig, or artully arragig woderul-smellig ood

o square white plates. The eergy i the room was kietic but

slowed dow as victor spoke to oe o the male ches, a hugely

muscled ad hadsome ma with startlig black tribal tattoos

o his thick eck ad orearms. He looked oer at me as victor

talked, the he smiled ad gae me a clipped salute i greetig. I

gae a short wae back, briefy woderig how may other e-

male patros victor had gie this treatmet.

victor headed out o the kitcheto get our driks, presum-

ablyso I quickly texted Melody, my best ried. Weird ight.

O date umber two (I thik), same restaurat. She texted back

immediately: WTH? I cat ee get one date! I smiled to my-

sel, picturig her curled up i her aorite plaid fael pajamas,eatig popcor, ad watchig rerus o Sex and the City. Will


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Heart Like Mine 11

So, he said, I hope you dot mid I ordered ood or us

both. I kow the meu pretty well.

How do you kow what I like? I asked, takig what I

hoped was a daity sip rom my drik.

Well, I kow you dot like stupid me, so Im already ahead

o the game. He smiled. Im haig a assortmet o dishes

brought out, actually, so you ca sample a little o eerythig.

Impressie. Must be ice to be the ower.

He gried. It is. So, what do you do?

I lauched ito a short descriptio o my career, how ater I

got my degree i busiess maagemet, Id stumbled ito a po-

sitio as a lowly HR assistat ad worked my way up through

arious compaies to a eetual directorship or a local medical

ceter. It was there I leared about Secod Chaces. I told him

how Id bee a oluteer with the orgaizatio log beore I wasoe o its employees.

What made you wat to gie your time there, i particular?

victor asked, tiltig his head a bit toward his shoulder.

Well, I said, thats kid o a log story.

The good oes usually are.

All right the, you asked or it, I said with a smile. So,

I was i seeth grade whe I saw a ews segmet about this

amazig emale doctor who traeled the world helpig people

whod bee aected by all sorts o atrocitiesdisease, war, am-

ie. Horrible stu. Ad I remember beig i awe watchig her

cradle this extremely ill-lookig woma, who just clug to her like

she hadt bee held so tederly i her etire lie. Tears swelled

my throat ee the, as I recalled the power o that momet. Iguess that image sort o stuck with me. I sort o promised mysel


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12 Amy Hatvany

victor odded ad seemed iterested, so I cotiued, careul

ot to hop up o my soapbox about the political issues surroud-

ig domestic iolece, as I sometimes had the tedecy to do

whe I started talkig about my job. Whe I heard about the

work Secod Chaces did, it seemed like such a perect way to

ulll that desire. I mea, HR was great or me proessioally, but

this was a opportuity to help people o a much more persoal

leel, you kow? He odded agai, ad I wet o, wrappig the

details up as quickly as I could. I erolled i crisis couselor trai-

ig to get qualied to take calls o the help lie ad started usig

my busiess cotacts to icrease ud-raisig doatios, ad dis-

coered I had a real passio or the work. Whe the woma who

started the orgaizatio told me she was retirig, I applied or

the positio ad got it. Most o my maagemet experiece is

i operatios ad orgaizatioal deelopmet, so its kid o aperect t.

I thik its great that youre so passioate about what you

do, victor said, litig his glass ad tiltig his head, idicatig

that I should do the same. Cograts.

I complied, ad we cliked our glasses together lightly.

Thak you.

He took a sip o his drik, the set it back o the table beore

giig me aother smile. So, I hae to ask. What did that guy say

to get you so mad? I gae him a quick recap o Chads statemets

about the role o wome i relatio to procreatig ad victors

jaw dropped. Are you kiddig me?

I shrugged. I guess he didt beliee me whe I told him Ie

chose ot to hae kids.Me too, victor said. At least, ot ay more tha I already


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Heart Like Mine 13

used as I elt, so he pulled out his wallet to show me a picture

o two dark-haired, blue-eyed childrea girl ad a boy. Max

is six ad Aa is twele, he said. They lie with their mom, but

I see them eery other weeked. His oice was tiged with a

tiy bit o sadess, ad I automatically wodered what kid o

relatioship he had with his ex-wie. I the past, i I were me-

tally reiewig a mas relatioship rsum ad it icluded the

word ather amog his experiece, I would hae moed it to

the o pile. But it was becomig icreasigly dicult or me

to d a sigle ma who hadt already bee married or didt

hae childre, so I attempted to keep a ope mid. Just because

I wast set o haig babies didt mea I wast lookig to all

i loe.

How log hae you bee diorced? I asked, keepig the

iquiry light. How recetly he came back o the datig marketplayed a big part i my decisio about whether or ot he was re-

latioship material. I wast axious to be ay mas reboud girl.

A little oer two years, victor said. We get alog airly

well, which is great or the kids.

Ah, I said, leaig back agaist the seat cushio. Theyre

adorable. I realized he was the rst perso i as log as I could

remember who hadt immediately asked why I wast axious to

hae childre as soo as they oud this out about me. Aother

poit i his aor.

Theyre also eough, he said. Im thirty-ie, ad I dot

pla to hae ay more. He looked at me, his expressio hesitat.

So, does my daddy status mea this is our last date?

Date? I ddled with the hem o my sweater ad issuedwhat I hoped was a appealig smile. This ist just the ower


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14 Amy Hatvany

reached oer ad skimmed the top o my had with his gertips.

Id like to see you agai.

His touch set a shier through me, ad starig ito his kid

eyes, I elt a twige somewhere i the iciity o my belly.Do I

do this? I hadt dated a ma with childre beore, but somethig

about victor elt dieret. Special eough to thik he might just

be worth takig a chace.


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Ava

Ater Dad moed out, Saturday morigs were the hardest. Sat-

urdays used to be whe he didt hae to get up early ad head to

the restaurat; Saturdays were whe he woke us with the buttery

smell o his special homemade ailla-bea wafes toastig o

the griddle ad smoky baco sizzlig o the stoe. I loed to lie i

my bed, breathig i the tedrils o those amiliar scets, eeligthem wrap aroud me, warm ad comortig as my athers arms.

Breakast, kiddos! he bellowed whe it was ready. Come

ad get it while its hot!

Max would scamper dow the hallway to beat me to the

table, but I stayed i bed with a small, secret smile o my ace,

kowig exactly what was comig ext. My bedroom door was

fug ope, ad Daddy would stomp oer to me. Is there a sleepy

little girl i here? he asked i a teasig, slightly maiacal oice.

Does she eed to be tickledto wake up?

no! Id squeal, my smile growig wider, scruchig mysel

up agaist the wall, pretedig to try to get away rom him.

Oh, yes! Dad said, holdig his hads out i rot o him

ad wigglig his gers like crazy.Daddy, o! I said agai, but iside I was thikig, Oh, yes!


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16 Amy Hatvany

but shriek, gigglig ad laughig ad writhig aroud beeath his

touch. Are you awake yet? he asked, rubbig the short stubble

o his beard agaist my eck to tickle me more. Are you ready to

come hae breakast?

Yes! I yelled, smilig so wide it almost hurt my cheeks.

Okay! Im comig!

Dad kissed my cheek ad pulled his hads away rom my

body. All right the, he said. Lets eat!

now that he was goe, ow that Mama had asked him to

leae, Saturday morigs were quiet, empty o ay happy laugh-

ter. For breakast we had cereal or toast, ad most o the time, I

eded up goig ito Mamas room to wake her up so we wouldt

be late or Maxs soccer games. Just last week, she had orgot-

te that we were i charge o brigig the sack, ad istead o

just stoppig at the store to buy somethig like ay o the othermoms probably would hae, shed rushed to bake a batch o cup-

cakes beore we could leae.

Yoo-hoo! she had sigsoged as we ally made our way

to the eld where Maxs game was about to get uder way. Sorry

were late!

Hed missed warm-up, but as I careully balaced the carry-

ig case lled with the chocolate cupcakes, Max raced past us to

get to where his coach was pickig the startig lieup. The moth-

ers o Maxs teammates barely tured to ackowledge Mamas

greetig. They sat together o the bleachers with heay plaid

blakets oer their laps, chatterig ad laughig at somethig oe

o them had said. A group o me stood earby, laughig ad

shakig each others hads; a ew o them shouted ecourage-met to Max ad his teammates. Daddy used to stad with those


22/37

Heart Like Mine 17

I set the carryig case o the table ext to the cooler ull o

water bottles ad watched as Mama tried agai. She fued her

hair ad put o her best, brightest smile. Hey there, she said as

she walked oer to stad ext to the group. Beautiul weather or

a game, ist it? It was a cold, crisp all day.

A heayset woma with black, straight hair tured her head

ad gae Mama a alse smile i retur. Yes, she said, as though

statig somethig icredibly obious. It is.

Hows the other team lookig this morig? Mama asked,

shoig her hads ito the side pockets o her tted black leather

jacket. The other moms wore Columbia feece pulloers or earthy-

toed wool sweaters. Mama chose tight Leis ad oer-the-kee

black boots to match her jacket; the other wome had o rai

boots or closed-toed Birkestocks. Our babies are goig to show

em whos boss, right?no oe aswered her. Istead, a ew o them coered their

mouths ad stifed coughs. Mamas chi trembled just the tiiest

bit beore she sat dow o the bottom bleacher ad tucked her

tiy hads betwee her legs. I joied her, ad she put her arm

aroud me, huggig me to her. I wated to tell her ot to worry

that she was prettier tha all those other wome. nicer, too. But I

didt kow i I should. I it was good or her to kow that I could

see the sadess i her eyes whe she looked at themthe logig

to be made a part o their group. Mama ad I were alike that way.

She had Diae ad I had my best ried, Bree, but that was pretty

much it. She looked at those wome like I looked at the popular

girls at school. Like,Please, just give me a chance.

Oe o the athers oticed Mama sittig o the edge o thebleachers. He was tall ad barrel chested, with sady blod hair


23/37

18 Amy Hatvany

to us, propped his oot up o the edge o the bleacher right ext

to Mamas leg, ad leaed o his thigh with his orearm. Hey,

Kelli, he said. How are you? His words were slick, as though

coated i oil as they slid rom his mouth.

Mama gae him a sparklig smile. Well, Im just e, thak

you ery much. Her oice was bubbly, practically drippig with

ethusiasm. How are you?

Better ow, he said with a wik, ad my stomach cleched.

I was pretty sure he was Carters dad, ad the husbad o the

black-haired, heay woma, who I oly kew as Carters mom.

I didt like the way he was lookig at Mama. I didt like how

hairy his kuckles were, either.

Hoey, Carters mom called out, oticig her husbad talk-

ig to us. Are you watchig the game?

Carters ot ee o the eld yet, he said sharply, giig hera hard look. The he tured his gaze back to Mama, soteig it.

I eel like I haet see you aroud much. I was sorry to hear

about you ad victor. You two always seemed so happy.

Mama kept her smile bright, but I saw the fash o grie i

her eyes. Ee ater all o this time, she still seemed to miss him.

A ew weeks ago, she had accidetally set a place or him at the

dier table. I guess thigs aret always as they seem, she said

to Carters ather ow.

I guess ot, he said with a chuckle. He glaced toward the

parkig lot. Is victor comig today?

Mama shook her head. He wated to, but hes workig.

Hell be here ext week, or sure. Its his weeked with the kids.

He wanted to? I that was true, it was ews to me. I wodered iMama made that up.


24/37

Heart Like Mine 19

Mike! Carters mom said loudly. Ca you please get me

aother blaket rom the car? Its colder tha I thought out here.

Carters dad straighteed, put both eet back o the groud,

ad wiked at Mama beore he looked up at his wie. Sure

thig, he said fatly. He let his gers brush agaist Mamas arm

as he walked past her, ad I saw Mama shrik back.

Hesgross, I whispered to Mama, ad she tured her head,

her lips pursed.

You hush, ow. Thats impolite.

So was he! I said, maybe a little too loudly.

Mama drew her eyebrows together oer the bridge o her

ose. Aa. Watch your mouth. Youre too youg to be talkig

like that about a grow-up. She straighteed i her seat ad the

cupped her hads aroud her mouth. Go o ow, Max! she hol-

lered as the team ra oto the eld. Push em back, push emback, waaay back! She jumped up, shimmied her bet arms, ad

wiggled her tiy behid.

Mama, I said, crigig a bit as the other wome behid us

stopped talkig ad stared. Actig like that would just make the

other mothers make u o herdidt she know that?

I thik thats a footballcheer, Kelli, Carters mom said, ad

the I saw her roll her eyes. I gritted my teeth, wishig I had

somethig to throw at her. Somethig sharp ad hard that would

hurt.

Mama laughed ad gae a little shrug. Oh well, she said,

sittig back dow. I eer could keep my sports straight. I guess

its a good thig Max is playig ad ot me.

Oh yes, aother woma said. What a relie. She hadbrow hair ad a tightly piched mouth. Did you remember to


25/37

20 Amy Hatvany

butter cupcakes, resh out o the oe this morig. She gried,

awaitig approal. I held my breath.

The brow-haired woma rowed. Peanut butter? We cat

sere that. Taylor is allergic. She paused. Ad Carter is glute

itolerat. Wheat four is like poiso or him. Didt you reiew

the approed sack list we haded out at the begiig o the

seaso?

Mamas smile melted away. Oh, she bega, her oice al-

terig. no. I didt realize

Carters mom sighed ad stood up. I ca ru to the co-op

ad grab some rice crackers ad ruit, she said.

Mama stood, as well. Please, she said, let me. It was my

mistake.

Its e, the woma said as she grabbed her purse. Ill just

go catch my husbandat the car. Well go together.Mama sak back dow oto the bleacher, her shoulders

slumped. Im so sorry, she said to the other wome. I ca brig

a better sack the ext time.

no oe respoded, ad Mama tured away ad aced the

eld. Her eyes were shiy ad she held her chi high. I slipped

my had ito hers ad squeezed it. I love your cupcakes, I said.

Theyre the best oes.

This morig we were ruig late agai. Except this time

it was my aultId spet too much time i the shower, codi-

tioig my hair ad careully shaig my legs. Mama said the

hair wast thick eough or me to needto shae yet, but all the

other girls i eighth grade did it, so I begged her to let me do it,

too. They call me Chewbacca durig gym! I told her, ad shedreleted.


26/37

Heart Like Mine 21

my closet door oe last time, makig sure that the outt Id picked

out looked okay. I liked my log, purple shirt ad I kew I was

luckier tha a lot o girls i my class; I could wear skiy jeas

ad still cross my legs beeath my desk. My dark brow hair was

held back rom my ace with a thi elastic headbad, ad thaks

to the expesie salo coditioer Id saed up my allowace to

buy, it looked shiy ad smooth. Still, I oud mysel wishig

or the millioth time that my mom would let me wear makeup.

The ew times Id tried to seak it, usig my ried Brees mas-

cara ad lipstick i the bathroom at school, Mama had caught

me, ee though I thought Id washed it all o. Youre a atural

beauty, loe, she said, cuppig my ace i her hads. Lets sae

the makeup or whe you actually eed it.

I didt kow why she got to be the oe who decided

whe I eeded it. It was my ace. Plus, almost all the othereighth-grade girls at Seattle Academy wore makeup; I was

airly certai that meat I should get to, too. But Id had eough

argumets with her about it to uderstad this wast a ght I

was goig to wi.

Sighig, I grabbed her black boots, the oes she said I could

borrow, pulled them o oer my jeas, the lugged my heay

backpack dow the hall. Mama stood by the kitche couter, still

i her pajamas, which cosisted o gray yoga pats ad a red

T-shirt that looked tiy eough that it might hae actually bee

my brothers. From the back, she looked like a little girl. Her blod

hair was pulled ito a messy poytail ad she gripped a coee

mug with both hads, sippig rom it as she stared out the wi-

dow ito the backyard. It was still dark, but at least it wast rai-ig. Im ready, I aouced.


27/37

22 Amy Hatvany

beeath her eyes were tiged blue. For the ourth time that week,

Id woke up to the soud o the teleisio i her bedroom i the

middle o the ight. She still wast sleepig. Hey there, sugar,

she said. Youre as pretty as dew o a rose.

I rolled my eyes a little ad shook my head but smiled back

at her ayway, accustomed to her fowery comparisos. She was

proe to silly complimets about my looks. I didt really eel

pretty; I was okay, I guessed, but othig like my mom, who my

ried Peter told me all the boys i my class thought was a MILF

because she was blod ad thi ad had big boobs. Id odded,

ee though I hadt kow what the term meat at that time, so

it wast util I got home ad looked it up olie that I wated

to bar. I kew my mom was better lookig tha some o my

rieds mothers, but the thought o the boys watig to hae sex

with her made me crige.Do you wat breakast? Mama asked. I made some toast.

I could throw peaut butter o it so youd get some protei.

I shook my head. She kew I didt like to eat rst thig i

the morig, but that didt stop her rom tryig to eed me. I

ca hae a graola bar ater homeroom. I patted my backpack to

let her kow I was all set. Are you workig today? Her job was

at a acy restaurat dowtow, the place my dad used to ma-

age beore he started his ow restaurat. They had met there, ad

she had to go back to work ater he moed out three years ago.

She said she liked her job because it was fexible eough that she

could drie us to school i the morig ad pick us up. She oly

worked ight shits the weekeds we were with our dad.

She shook her head. nope. But I took a double shit tomor-row, sice you two wot be here. Im workig Suday bruch,


28/37

Heart Like Mine 23

Ill hae her toast! Max said, pipig up rom the table,

where he was slurpig dow the last o the milk rom his cereal

bowl.

Do you eer stop eatig? I asked, wriklig my ose at

him. Its gross.

Youre gross, Max retorted, litig his poity chi back at me.

Oooh, bur, I said, rollig my eyes agai. He was such a

little dweeb. I looked at the clock ad the my mom. Ca we go?

I dot wat to be late or homeroom.

Yes, we should. She shufed oer to me i her slippers ad

threw her sleder arms aroud my eck. Whe I was wearig her

boots, we were almost the same height. I loe you, baby girl,

she whispered. So much.

Loe you too, I said, huggig her back. She elt ragile i

my embrace, her boes like brittle twigs that might sap i I heldher too tightly. She was gettig so skiy; I could circle her etire

wrist with my idex ger ad thumb ad still ot touch her ski.

She said she ate at the restaurat ater her shits, but her clothes

had started lookig looser the past ew moths, so I wast sure

she was tellig me the truth. Shed doe the same thig ater my

dad moed outo sleep ad o oodbut Diae made her go

to the doctor or some kid o pills ad she started gettig better

ater that. I wast sure i she was takig those pills aymore.

I wodered i missig her parets had aythig to do with

how she was eelig ow. She had called them last ight, but

they didt aswer the phoe. They lied i a small tow out-

side o Sa Luis Obispo i Calioria, where Mama grew up, ad

theyd eer ee oce come to see us, which I hoestly thoughtwas kid o strage, cosiderig they were Mamas oly am-


29/37

24 Amy Hatvany

her mother was orty-two ad Mama said they thaked God ad

called her their miracle. Ad ee though they eer isited, she

still called their house a couple o times a year. Whe they actu-

ally aswered the phoe, the coersatios were always short

ad her oice got tight ad shaky as she spoke with them. A-

terward, shed usually go to her bedroom ad cry. I tried ot to

worry about Mama too much, but she sure didt make it easy.

I looked oer to Max, who was makig u o my huggig

our mom with a gooy kissy ace ad pretedig to hug himsel.

Max, I said sterly, go brush your teeth. Well be i the car.

Youre ot the boss o me, Max said as he dropped his bowl

ito the sik with a clatter. My mother startled at the oise, suck-

ig i a sharp breath, ad pulled away rom me.

Max! she said loudly, the took aother, slower breath.

She put oe had agaist the wall, like she suddely had to holdhersel up, the spoke agai i a quieter toe. Brush your teeth,

little ma, right this istat. Dot make me get the switch. She

wiked at him the, ad he giggled, kowig ull well our mother

would eer hit us. It was a joke she used, to let us kow she

meat busiess. Our dad used to say it to us, too, as a joke, but

ater he moed out, he stopped.

Max raced dow the hallway to the bathroom ad my

mother stared o ater him.

Are you okay, Mama? I asked, oticig she was breathig

a little aster tha usual. She kept her had o the wall, her shoul-

ders curled orward.

Im e. Just a little dizzy, or some reaso. She tured her

head ad gae me a tiy smile, droppig her had to her side adstraighteig her spie. Probably too much caeie.


30/37

Heart Like Mine 25

help you write the checks toight? I asked as we headed out the

door ad toward the drieway.

Hmm? she murmured. What was that?

I elt a twige o irritatio. The bills. I kew my rieds

didt help their parets with this kid o thig, but it was some-

thig we did together. Mama said it was oly because I had better

hadwritig tha hers, but the last time Id watched her try to do

it aloe, she started cryig, so I oered to ll the checks out ad

she could just sig them. Max got to put the stamps o the ee-

lopes. We sort o tured it ito a game. But whe I told my dad

about it, the muscles aroud his lips got all twitchy, ad I asked

him i it was bad that we helped her.

Shes a grow-up, hoey, he said, puttig his log arm

aroud my shoulders ad squeezig me to him. Youre a kid.

You shouldt hae that kid o resposibility.I shrugged ad threw both o my arms aroud his waist,

breathig i the earthy ragrace o roasted meat o his shirt.

Some athers wore cologe; mie wore scets bor i a kitche.

I dot mid, I said. I didt like eelig that he was criticizig

her; I didt wat to get her i trouble.

Ill talk with her, he said, but I dot thik he eer did. now

that they were diorced, they oly talked to each other whe

they had to, ad whe they did, it was with short, hard seteces

that seemed more like weapos tha words.

Whe are you brigig them back? Mama asked him whe

he picked us up eery other Saturday. She eer did quite look di-

rectly at him, either. Her eyes drited just oer his right shoulder.

Fie oclock tomorrow, my dad told her, sometimes eeshitig his eet a little, like he couldt wait or her to stop mo-


31/37

26 Amy Hatvany

Just makig sure, my mom would say, her oice quaer-

ig a little, ad the muscles i my dads ace would tighte ee

more. It was hard to imagie they eer loed each other eough

to get married. I kew they had; Id see their weddig picture.

Mama dressed i a white pricess ball gow, her glossy hair piled

o top o her head i messy coils. Daddy tall ad hadsome i a

black tuxedo, eedig her cake ad tryig to kiss her at the same

time. They were laughig.

now, stadig ext to our car, as Max ally sped dow

the rot steps ad toward us, makig a soud like a jet airplae,

my mom reached oer ad clutched my had. What would I do

without you, baby girl? She pulled my had up to her mouth

ad kissed it.

I smiled at her, my isides shakig, ot watig to say that I

sometimes wodered what she might do without me, too.

Do you hae to go to your dads this weeked? Bree asked me

durig secod luch. At Seattle Academy, rst luch was or the

kids up through th grade; secod was or sixth through eighth.

Bree ad I sat together at a small table by the widow, away rom

the other eighth-grade girls. We each had a big slice o pepperoi

pizza ad a chocolate milk. That was the best thig about goig

to a priate schoolthe hot luches were actually decet. The

worst thig was that my brother wet there, too. Occasioally,

hed see me i the hallway or whe he had recess ad hed wae,

do a little dace, ad start sigig, Aa-Aa-bo-baa, baaa-

aa-o-aa . . . Ava! I seriously couldt wait or ext year,whe high school would start ad I wouldt see that little weirdo


32/37

Heart Like Mine 27

I pulled a piece o pepperoi o the slice ad popped it i

my mouth. Yep, I told Bree as I chewed. Our dad picks us up

tomorrow morig.

With Grace? she said, crossig her eyes ad makig her

lids futter at the same time. Bree was the uiest girl I kew

ad wast araid o other people laughig at the thigs she did,

which was part o why she was my ried. She had short, wispy

blod hair ad wire-rimmed glasses, ad she didt eed to wear

a bra yet, but she didt seem to care about beig like the popular

girls. The girls with really rich parets ad their ow iPads. The

girls who wet behid the gym, let their boyrieds eel them up,

ad didt care who kew. The girls that part o me wated to

become.

I laughed. Yes. I keep hopig theyll split up. But it looks like

shes stayig. Brees parets were diorced, too, aother reaso Iliked to hag out with her. She got how weird it was to hae two

houses to lie i, two sets o rules, ad parets that might hae

loed us but couldt stad each other. Her dad was a corporate

lawyer, so he had to pay her mom a to o child support or Bree.

My dad gae my mom a check eery moth, too, but he deitely

didt make as much moey as a lawyer. He was a great cook,

though, which I thought was kid o a bous.

Bree didt say aythig more, kowig that my dads girl-

ried was ar rom my aorite subject. He had met Grace at the

ed o last summer ad waited a couple o moths to itroduce

us, which I guess is better tha i hed made us meet her right

away. I kew hed probably dated other wome ater he moed

outoe time, ot ery log ater he bought his ew place, Ioud a pair o lacy pik womes uderwear i his hamper whe


33/37

28 Amy Hatvany

moed i with him last May didt really surprise me that much.

Mostly, I just tried ot to thik about the act that she slept i the

same bed as him, which was hard with how may questios my

mom asked whe we came home rom their house.

Did you hae u with Grace? shed ask. What did she eed

you? Whe Id tell her that ater Dad cooked, or Grace ordered

pizza, we all played Scrabble or watched a moie, her shoulders

would all ad her ace would look like Id hit her. I wodered

why she didt get her ow boyried. She was pretty eough, or

sure, ad I kew there were a ew sigle dads at our school who

would probably ask her out i she did her hair ad wore somethig

other tha her pajamas to drop us o i the morig. But whe

I suggested that maybe she could go o a date, too, she waed

the thought away. You ad your brother are all the loe I eed.

Your daddy just doest like to be aloe.Neither do you, Id thik.You just want to be with us instead of a date. I wodered i somethig

was wrog with her, somehow, sice ater all these years she still

didt seem to be oer my dads leaig. Which was strage, re-

ally, because I kew that she was the oe who ally asked him to

go. Id oerheard the ght that made him walk out the door.

Yo, earth to Aa! Bree said, udgig me with the toe o her

Coerse. Come i, Aa! The bell just rag. Time or social stud-

ies. She made a ace ad stuck a ger i her mouth. Like, gag

me with a ecyclopedia.

I laughed agai, ad we cleaed up our mess ad headed o

to class. O the way, Whitey Blake, whose ather owed a chai

o orgaic grocery stores, sidled up ext to me. She smelled o

citrus ad her black hair hug sleek ad almost to the middle oher back. Whitey was all sweetess ad light to our teachers,


34/37

Heart Like Mine 29

How was your luch, Aa? she asked, poppig her pik

gum as she spoke. Whitey liked eeryoe to kow that their

amilys housekeeper packed orgaic chicke slices, mixed grees,

ad some kid o cookie made with agae ectar or her luch

eery day, oly so Whitey could toss it all ad buy whateer the

caeteria was serig with the credit card her dad gae her to use.

I shrugged oe shoulder i respose ad kept walkig, glac-

ig at her out o the corer o my eye, wary o such a seemigly

iocet questio.

Did you use your scholarship to pay or it? she cotiued

i a liltig toe as we walked alog, pushig agaist the small

throg o other studets i the hallway. You kow, my dad gies

a lot o our moey to those. So, like, my amilys sort o makig it

possible or you to be here.

My stomach cleched as she spoke, my cheeks fushed,ad tears pricked the back o my throat. I couldt look at her.

It wast a secret that Max ad I were scholarship studets ad

that my mom sometimes sered meals to the rich parets o the

kids i our classes whe they wet to the restaurat where she

worked. Max was too little to uderstad what people sometimes

said about us, but I wast. I also uderstood that haig a lot o

moey didt just gie you ice thigs, it gae you power. Whit-

ey uderstood this, too.

Maybe you should say thak you, Whitey said whe I

didt respod.

I couldt speak. I I did, I might hae cried, ad that would

just hae gie her aother thig to mock.

Hey, Whitey, Bree said, steppig i to sae me. Maybeyou should go make yoursel useul ad throw up your luch. I


35/37

30 Amy Hatvany

briefy twisted ito a ugly seer, but she kept her eyes o me.

You should thik about tryig out or the dace team, she said.

Maybe Mrs. McClai will eel sorry or you as a underprivileged

studet ad let you joi.

Her gaggle o rieds tittered at this, my eyes blurred, ad

Bree grabbed me by the arm. Cmo. Lets get to class.

Leaig Whitey ad her rieds behid us, I let Bree lead me

past the ew remaiig lockers beore Mr. Taers room, swal-

lowig hard to make sure ay remats o my tears were goe.

Thaks, I said as we slid ito our seats ext to each other.

Bree smiled, the pushed her glasses back up to the bridge

o her ose. Shes a total bitch, so dot liste to her, all right?

I odded but still elt the stig o Whiteys words itchig

beeath my ski. It wast like we were poor; my parets paid or

some o our tuitio, just ot all o it. The oe thig my mom addad still agreed o was Max ad me gettig the best educatio we

could, ad Seattle Academy was the best.

Youre ot goingto try out or dace team, are you? Bree

asked.

I shook my head ad gae her a closed-lipped smile. My

mom loed to daceshed bee a cheerleader i high school,

ad it would hae made her happy i I did try out, but I kew

that gettig o the team would mea Id be away rom the house

more ad Max would hae to deal with Mama o his ow. He

was too youg to hadle oe o her cryig sessios whe I wast

there. Ee i Id wated to joi, it just wast a optio.

I took a couple o deep breaths, the tesio i my body re-

laxig just eough to let me pay attetio whe Mr. Taer toldus to settle dow ad bega his lecture o womes surage.


36/37

Heart Like Mine 31

whoeer had called, ad hug up. Oly the rot oce used that

phoe, so I wodered who had doe somethig bad eough to

iterrupt class.

Aa? Mr. Taer said, ad my belly immediately fip-

fopped. You eed to get your thigs rom your locker ad head

to the oce, okay?

I sighed. Is it Max? That little monster. Mamas going to be

pissed if he got in trouble.

Mr. Taer pressed his lips together ad gae his head a quick

shake. Bree shot me a questioig look, ad I shrugged slightly,

the closed up my older. Eery eye i the room was o me, ad I

elt my ace gettig warm agai. A ew whispers started, but Mr.

Taer shushed them. I slowly put o my jacket ad took careul,

deliberate steps toward the rot o the room. I stopped i rot

o Mr. Taers desk, searchig his ace or some kid o clue, butthere was othig there. Is eerythig all right? I asked him,

ad he held my gaze or a momet beore droppig it to the foor.

You just eed to go to the oce, he repeated, so I walked

out the door ad made my way aloe dow the log, quiet hall.


37/37

Cover photograph: Burin Esin/Getty ImagesCover design: Allison Colpoys

Thirty-six-year-old Grace McAllister never longed for

children. But when she meets Victor Hansen, a handsome,

charismatic divorced restaurateur who is father to Max andAva, Grace decides that, for the right man, she could learn

to be an excellent part-time stepmum. After all, the kids

live with their mother, Kelli. How hard could it be?

At thirteen, Ava Hansen is mature beyond her years.

Since her parents divorce, she has been taking care

of her emotionally unstable mother and her little brother

she pays the bills, does the laundry, and never complainsbecause she loves her mama more than anyone. And while

her fathers new girlfriend is nice enough, Ava still holds

out hope that her parents will get back together and that

theyll be a family again. But only days after Victor and

Grace get engaged, Kelli dies suddenly under mysterious

circumstancesand soon, Grace and Ava discover that there

was much more to Kellis life than either ever knew.

Narrated by Grace, Ava and Kelli, Heart Like Mine

is a poignant, hopeful portrait of womanhood,

love, and the challenges and joys of family life.

AMY

HATVANY

Amy Hatvany - Heart Like Mine (Extract)

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Transcript of Amy Hatvany - Heart Like Mine (Extract)