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Vol. 14 Issue 46 All Rights Reserved © 2016

FAMOUS PEOPLE SAY It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is

both incisive and probing when

every twelve minutes one is

interrupted by dancing rabbits

singing about toilet paper. --

Rod Serling

I stopped believing in Santa

Claus when my mother

took me to see him in a

department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley

Temple

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Think-

ing, and then I thought: What good would that do?

--Ronnie Shakes

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of

your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.

--H.L. Mencken

“I never did give them hell. I just told the

truth and they thought it was hell.”

Pres. Harry ‘Give ‘em Hell’ Truman

Somewhere on this globe, every ten sec-

onds, there is a woman giving birth to a

child. She must be found and stopped. --

Sam Levenson

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is

whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

APPARENTLY, SOMEONE IN LONDON GETS STABBED EVERY 52 SECONDS...POOR GUY...

LIFE IS THE BEST SCHOOL AND GOD IS THE BEST TEACHER

WOULD YOU?

A mathematics professor put the following statement

as the last item on her mid term exam: “For 10 ex-

tra credit points on your test, stand up right now and

sing at least one verse or chorus of your favorite

song. (I know that Row, row, row your boat is

not your favorite song) This is a one time offer,

only good right now, before your turn your test in.

YUP, I’VE STILL GOT IT!

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip re-

placement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabe-

tes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter

than a jet engine, take 40 different medications

that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black-

outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor

circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet

anymore.

I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I’ve lost

all my friends...but at least I still have my driv-

er's license.

COMMON PROBLEM

Son: "Dad, will you help me find the least

common denominator in this math problem?"

Dad: "Don't tell me that still hasn't been found –

they’ve been looking for it since I was a kid."

A MAN MAY LAY DOWN THE LAW; BUT IT’S HIS WIFE THAT USUALLY MAKES ALL THE AMENDMENTS

YOU NEVER REALIZE HOW SHORT A MONTH IS UNTIL YOU PAY A BILL

GOD IS SELDOM EARLY; BUT NEVER LATE

I WENT TO A REALLY EMOTIONAL WEDDING THE OTHER DAY...EVEN THE CAKE WAS IN TIERS

MONEY IS A LOUSY WAY OF KEEPING SCORE.

HONESTY IS ONE POLICY THAT NEVER NEEDS TO BE CHANGED

WHY DO COWS WEAR BELLS? BECAUSE THEIR HORNS DON’T WORK

THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE TO BE BETTER

THE WRONG PEOPLE TEND TO GET INFERIORITY COMPLEXES

http://www.truevalue.com/besthardware

PARALLEL LINES HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, IT’S A SHAME THEYL’LL NEVER MEET

* On Nov. 23, 1859, the infamous Western out-

law known as "Billy the Kid" is born in a poor

Irish neighborhood on New York City's East

Side. Before he was shot dead at age 21, Billy

reputedly killed 27 people in the American

West.

* On Nov. 26, 1862, Oxford mathematician

Charles Lutwidge Dodgson sends a handwritten

manuscript called Alice's Adventures

Under Ground to 10-year-old Alice Liddell. Dodg-

son, better known as Lewis Carroll, later published

"Alice in Wonderland," one of the earliest children's

books written simply to amuse children, not to teach

them.

* On Nov. 24, 1944, more than 100 American B

-29 Superfortress bombers target the

Nakajima aircraft engine works in To-

kyo. Bad weather proved an insur-

mountable obstacle at 30,000 feet, and

fewer than 50 bombs hit the main

WOMEN ONLY CALL ME UGLY UNTIL THEY FIND OUT HOW MUCH MONEY I MAKE....THEN THEY CALL ME UGLY AND POOR

target.

* On Nov. 22, 1963, John F. Kennedy,

the 35th president of the United States, is

assassinated while traveling through Dal-

las in an Lincoln convertible. Lee Harvey

Oswald allegedly fired three shots from

the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository Build-

ing.

* On Nov. 27, 1978, San Francisco leaders George

Moscone and Harvey Milk are murdered by Dan White at

City Hall in San Francisco. White pleaded a "diminished

capacity" defense, claiming that copious amounts of junk

food caused him to suffer mental problems. Thus the

"Twinkie Defense" was born.

* On Nov. 21, 1980, some 350 million people worldwide

tune in to find out who shot J.R. in the

primetime drama "Dallas." Full of

schemes and moral excess, the long-

running series revolved around the tale

of two Texas oil families.

* On Nov. 25, 1999, The U.N. Gen-

eral Assembly passes a resolution

designating Nov. 25 the International

Day for the Elimination of Violence

Against Women. It marked the anniver-

sary of the brutal political murder of

three sisters in 1960 in the Dominican Republic.

GLORY IS FLEETING, BUT OBSCURITY IS FOREVER

WHAT’S GREEN, FUZZY AND IF IT FELL OUT OF A TREE IT WOULD KILL YOU? A POOL TABLE!

PROFESSIONALS ALWAYS PRACTICE MORE THAN THEY PLAY

Answers

1. Margaret Thatcher

2. Denver

3. Pain

4. Methuselah

5. Subway

6. Jazz

7. Sugar Kane Kowalczyk

8. "The Turn of the Screw"

9. KLM

10. The Fifth

(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.

1. HISTORY: Who was the first woman to be prime minister

of the United Kingdom?

2. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What U.S. city's nickname is

The Mile-High City?

3. MEDICAL: What does the Greek suffix "-algia" refer to in

medical terms?

4. BIBLE: Noah was the grandson of what biblical character?

5. ADVERTISEMENTS: Which fast-food restaurant chain

urges patrons to "eat fresh"?

6. MUSIC: Bebop is a style of what kind of music?

7. MOVIES: What was the name of the character played by

Marilyn Monroe in "Some Like it Hot"?

8. LITERATURE: What famous ghost story was penned by

Henry James?

9. TRANSPORTATION: What is the world's oldest airline

still operating under its original name?

10. LEGAL: Witnesses who would prefer not to incriminate

themselves might refuse to answer by citing which amend-

ment to the U.S. Constitution?

PRAYER WILL SHOW YOU THE ROAD TO HEAVEN; FAITH WILL OPEN THE DOOR

SOMEONE STOLE MY MICROSOFT OFFICE AND THEY’RE GONNA PAY..YOU HAVE MY WORD!

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING CAN BE WONDERFUL - MAE WEST

http://www.apachejunctiontireshop.com/

PEACE IS TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF TROUBLE AND STILL BE CALM IN YOUR HEART

PUBLIC OPINION IS STRONGER THAN THE LEGISLATURE

HEAVENLY RATES A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the

pearly gates and says, "Here's how it works. You

need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell

me all the good things you've done, and

I give you a certain number of points

for each item, depending on how good

it was. When you reach 100 points, you

get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for

50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life

and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in

my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he

says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At

this rate the only way I get into

heaven is by the grace of God!"

“Now you got it,” said St. Peter,

"Come on in!"

WE NEVER TRULY FORGIVE THOSE WHO MAKE US BLUSH

http://www.azopry.com/

THREE CORRECT GUESSES IN A ROW AND NOW I QUALIFY TO BE AN EXPERT???

FAITH IS THE STRENGTH BY WHICH A SHATTERED WORLD EMERGES INTO THE LIGHT

IF A MAN DOES HIS BEST, WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

WHEN YOU’RE DOWN TO NOTHING, GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING

NOSTALGIA IS A SEDUCTIVE LIAR

WHEN MY WIFE ACCUSED ME OF BEING IMMATURE, I TOLD HER TO GET OUT OF MY FORT

Bicycles Banned at Arlington

---

Bicycles will no longer be allowed in Arlington National

Cemetery, unless being ridden by people with family passes

who are there to visit a loved one's grave. Commuters, week-

end exercisers and cycling clubs are no longer welcome. To

which I give a big thumbs-up. Arlington National Cemetery

holds upward of 30 funerals a day. Some of these involve

long streams of cars of attendees and escorts; some involve

the military band or horses pulling a caisson. The last thing

funeral-goers need is to have to navigate around cyclists, or

have them whiz by during a funeral service. Of course, cy-

clists were upset when the news came out, and they started a

petition, claiming they don't disrupt anything. The cemetery's

response to that was, "Previous trial periods with bicyclists in

the cemetery showed bicyclists did not typically stop for these

processions." Enough said. Some state veterans' cemeteries

seem to ban bicycles as well, such as the Connecticut State

Veterans' Cemetery.

Others aren't as vigilant, with one state suffering from horse-

back riding, picnics, fireworks and hunting at their veterans'

cemetery. Another had to ban bicycles after multiple bike

crashes disrupted funerals.

Some places aren't so fussy. There apparently is an annual

ride at the Chattanooga National Cemetery in Tennessee. The

Willamette National Cemetery in Oregon allows bicycles and

is on a list of places to ride, complete with helpful GPS print-

able maps.

Having buried a grandfather, father, mother, two uncles, a

spouse and multiple friends in national cemeteries, I can say

this: If you're a cyclist who lives where a national cemetery

allows bicycles and you spot an ongoing procession or funeral

service, stop. A cemetery isn't just a convenient shortcut for

you. It's the end of the line for our loved ones.

(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.