A.J. Barker's Letter to Coach Kill

7/30/2019 A.J. Barker's Letter to Coach Kill

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Untitled

My Letter to Jerry Kill, why I quit.

A Dime A Dozen

AJ Barker

Its over.

Thank you for that last bit of motivation I needed to put myself over the top.Thank you for showing me your true colors; that you will stop at nothing to proveyou have control over me. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to play on

your team. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for proving that with hard

work and persistence people can go very far, even if they are lessqualified/talented than their competition. Thank you for not giving me a

scholarship. Thank you for providing me with an additional perspective of how to

coach a college football team.

Now, in honor of my family and myself Im done with you for good. In light ofthat pathetic, manipulative display of rage and love you put on this past Thursday,

I have come to the decision, with the guidance of my parents and my closestfriends, that my time on this team has come to an end. It kills me that I have to dothis before the seasons over, but this is the only way I can protect myself against

the manipulation and abuse Id have to endure from you the rest of this season.

Theres nothing special about me?

Im a dime a dozen?

You dont know what f***ed up things happened to me to screw me up so muchas a person?

My stock fell as a person since I got injured?

You had 5 of me at Northern Illinois?

You say Ill never earn a scholarship under you? That I dont deserve one?
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And then you followed this outburst of rage with an attempt to love me in the

most manipulative, deceitful way possible.

You love me?

You think I can be a special player?

You think I have what it takes to go to the NFL?

Me and you are the same?

I think I have life all figured out?

..

Well, Jerry Kill, I dont choose to believe Im a dime a dozen. My parents raised

me in the most honorable and noble way possible, they never took from me. Theynever lied to me, or hurt me. There werent any f***ed up things that happened

to me growing up and its a disgrace to the effort my parents put forward every

single day they were around me to insinuate anything of that sort. My parents andfriends are extremely proud of me. They dont view me as screwed up. In honor

of everyone I associate myself with, I will not accept your ruthless attempt to

degrade and belittle me. I am an upstanding member of society and a

paying/honest student at the University of Minnesota. I havent got in troublewith the law. I dont have any demons in my closet. I dont mistreat or hurt the

people around me. I carry myself with dignity and respect.

Heres to my injury My best way to tell all this is simply to explain everything Ican.

I sprained my ankle while running into the endzone on a touchdown against

Purdue. There was no MRI following the injury because we (the trainers and

myself) didnt think it was necessary. My personal reasoning for not getting anMRI was because I didnt want to entertain the possibility of my injury being

severe, and Id rather push as hard as I can to rehab it believing it was a minor

issue. I figured if it was something severe, my rehab would be greatly affected

and time would tell me that something more serious has happened. I had somediscomfort in front of my achilles tendon above my heal. I was limited in being

able to get the pop I was used to from my ankle.

Well, I got back up to about 90 percent in the week leading up to the Michigangame. Then, in warm ups, right before we were finished, I planted my foot

normally and felt a cracking sensation in my Anterior Talofibular Ligament

(ATL) in my ankle (for the record, at the time of the tweak I did not know the

name of the ligament). Following that cracking sensation the ligament gotinstantly stiff and I could feel it pressing against the bottom of my Fibula. At the


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time of my injury (Michigan warm ups to be clear) I told myself over and over

and over again it was nothing serious, I simply tweaked it and Ill be back soon.

My recovery did not follow that fantasy. I didnt have much swelling (which canhappen with high ankle sprains), but my ankle had no explosiveness whatsoever

and I my ATL was throbbing and unable to function.

This time around, my ankle did not progress like it had the week before. I wasnt

making any improvement day-to-day with my ATL. The training staff informedme they werent going to try and have me play against Illinois, which I was forced

to realize wasnt possible anyways. And when the Monday after the Illinois game

came around, I realized I was still making very limited progress. At this point thetraining staff hadnt updated me on what happened to my ankle, no one had

informed I suffered a high ankle sprain of any sort. I was told it was simply a day-

to-day thing with the typical response from the trainers, lets see how it doestomorrow. This past Tuesday, you forced me to practice. That was proven

impossible when I couldnt get through warm ups. After talking with Ed

Lochery, I withdrew from practice and participated in the orange shirt workoutsfor players that are sitting out of practice with an injury. After completing that

workout, I was on the sideline watching practice when you approached me and

asked me what I was doing. I told you I gave it a try and couldnt even get

through warm ups, at which point you retorted quite aggressively, This trainsmoving on with out you. When you get back, youll have to work your way from

the bottom up.and some other motivating jargin that I took as exactly that,

motivation. A part of me was upset because I still didnt know what my ankleinjury was and I hadnt had an MRI to this point, but another part was ready to

come back better than ever and have my best performance(s) of the year. I

embraced the opportunity to come back from the bottom, because like you have

always failed to recognize, Im legitimately good at football. I couldnt wait to goagainst players I was legitimately better than and beat play in and play out. I was

committed to taking my game to the next level.

Wednesday came and after doing my own research the night before I realized Idhad a High Ankle Sprain since the warm ups for the Michigan game. I approached

the trainers about what I needed to get in order to see the ligaments in my ankle.

They informed what I was asking about was an MRI and then asked me, why?Are you concerned about something? I replied, yeah, I am, and walked out of

the training room. I began contacting my parents to set up an appointment to get

an MRI when the trainers came running after me to tell me they would do it.

Because I wasnt worried about the politics of the situation, I was fine with themtaking me to get the MRI. All I cared about was my health. I wasnt trying to

show up the trainers, I was taking accountability for my own body and doing

what I could to heal most effectively. On the car ride to get the MRI I was talkingwith Chris Ashton and telling him I simply wanted to understand what was going

on in my ankle and that I think I have a high ankle sprain. He responded

immediately by saying, oh we know you have a high ankle sprain, we just dontthink its that severe. This was now the first time I was being told I suffered a


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high ankle sprain, and the MRI I would get 15 minutes after that confirmed

exactly that: tears in my ATL and bruising to my bone above my heel.

Now I finally had the understanding what was wrong with my ankle and thereassurance of Doc Smith that I could possibly be back in as soon as a week.

All was looking positive until you, Coach Kill, informed at the beginning of

practice on Thursday that if I have the right attitude and work hard (with a tone

that suggested I was NOT working hard nor had the right attitude) with thetrainers that I will be healthy for the MSU game and even qualified it by saying

the only way I wouldnt be healthy is if I didnt do everything you asked of me. I

was shocked to hear definitively that I would be healthy for next week or it wasmy fault. After I finished doing my orange shirt workout I approached Ed

Lochery about my ankle. I was approaching him about the premise thatI should

be healthy by next week or it was my faultand he agreed with the premise. He

went on to tell me that if I had done everything he asked I would be healthy by

now. He claimed I was cutting exercises short and not icing after treatments. Iclarified that I iced when I had swelling, and because of acupuncture

appointments I was receiving outside the facilities, I didnt like how it stiffenedup my ankle at times. This conversation between me and Ed was so honest that

we got to the point where we acknowledged this was an ego thing and not about

my health whatsoever. He trusted that I was working hard away from the team,but claimed he didnt like the effort I was putting in to my treatments with the

team (its VERY important to note that he had expressed none of this to me in the

past 3 weeks and went as far as to conceal the fact he had a problem with what I

was doing). It was during this discussion that you came over and exploded on mein front of the entire team in our indoor facility. YOU DONT F*****G GET

TO TELL THE TRAINER WHAT YOU DO! followed by a 20 minute tyraidwhere you attacked everything about me, from an athlete to my character as aperson. I took every word of it replying faithfully Yes sir. Yes sir. No, sorry sir

and watched as you demeaned me to a point of no return. You took the one thing

you had a say in (my football playing career and my future) and you held itagainst me in an attempt to break me, going as far as to tell me Ill never get a

scholarship or see the field again.

Here I am, missing the last 4 games of my junior season of college football, where

I had a chance to cement my place in gopher history, in a system that runs on afinite eligibility clock, and Im being told that if I wanted to, Id be healthy. Im

being told that I dont have a say in my own injury or rehab? Well, Jerry Kill,

this is 2012, not 1974 in small town Kansas, I do have the right to have a say inmy own body and how it is being treated. There is nothing more important to me

than playing this game I love. I want nothing more than to be healthy and out

there on the field with my team. However frustrated you were isnt 1/1000 the

pain I feel from the reality that I will never get to play Michigan at home, avengethe dropped balls @ illinois from my freshman year, or play Nebraska @

Nebraska.


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The worst part of this all, though, wasnt the way you cussed me out, it was how

you loved me up in private after practice completed. You revealed the extent to

which you are a manipulator. You assured me that you could save me, that youvehad problematic players in the past (calling out by name: Bart Scott, Brandon

Jacobs, and even my teammate Michael Carter), and that you knew how to deal

with people like me. You did everything you could to connect with me and attimes you did so well that I essentially blacked out in hypnosis as you praised me

like you never had before. You had hitched yourself to my wagon. You had

driven a wedge into my character and filled it with your praise and support. Youhad beaten me down and brought me back up by your grace. It was textbook

manipulation and I saw through it the whole time. I submitted to you entirely and

even convinced myself in my head I have to be genuinely nice to every one in

here at all times without ever contesting anything or you would throw me to thewolves at a drop of the hat.

Im not going to live like that. Im not going to be a part of your team when I have

only 13 months of eligibility left. Im not going to give you the opportunity tosupposedly save me.

But dont be confused by this explanation into thinking this is a quick/irrational

decision based solely around Thursdays event. Last spring before the spring

game I was called a faggot for my spiritual views by Coach Reeves where otherplayers on the team heard him say it. Coach Poore put me down the week before

the UNLV, calling my play pathetic and claiming I couldnt handle the bright

lights. It was his last opportunity to shit on me before I broke free of my junior

walk on tag and proved I was the real deal. I technically started 1 game(Wisconsin) this season despite proving to be the most effective receiver on the

team and I never said a word. I was not given a scholarship because, as youexpressed to me after the UNLV game, you think it should go to our kicker, and

added that you want me to be healthy for an entire season before you give me one.

Being the dictator/manipulator you are, you then told me I had to respond to

questions from the media about scholarships in a way that made you lookfavorable. So, Considering I wasnt healthy for the whole season and the fact

youre willing to hold a scholarship against me (which means nothing to me or

my family), I dont WANT a scholarship from you or the institution yourepresent. I dont WANT to regain your approval. You referenced my spiritual

views on three different occasions claiming if I were a bad person Id hold it

against you. Well, Coach Kill, taking everything into account, the fact you feltthe need to say that on three different occasions goes to show that it probably did

play a part in your views of me.

So from here I have two options. Either I come back and act like none of this ever

happened and submit to you, or I remove myself from this cycle of manipulation.


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Well, Im done lying for you on your behalf. Im not ever playing another down

of football for you on anyones behalf.

Thank you for not giving me a scholarship. As an unrecruited walk-on I cantransfer without having to sit out a year, which I verified in the NCAA transfer-

guide for 2012-2013. I cant wait until the end of the season because that wouldrisk you building up a false reputation around me that could make me unattractive

to any other football program. I cant reason with you because we dont shareequal premises. You pushed me to the brink, and now all I have the power left to

do is leave.

..

Me and you are the same?

This couldnt be further from the truth. We are not the same. And I will work

every day of my life to prove Im nothing like you. I dream of coaching adivision one college football team one day and I promise I will treat my players

with a level of respect and honesty that you were never strong enough to becapable of doing.

Here are the words of one of my mothers closest friends to you Coach Kill, Hes

an ego-maniacal, self-centered, narcissistic jerk who appears to care about no one

but himself, and certainly not AJs health. And AJ just happens to be his bestplayer, who he obviously will sacrifice at the drop of a hat.

Now Im not going to claim Im the best player on the team, those were simply

the words of my mothers friend.

But shes right, you will sacrifice me at the drop of the hat when the momentsright. There is always an abandonment phase of any manipulator. Im not looking

for a hand out. My father is proud to pay my tuition. I am not threatening you or

wishing ill-will upon you. I have a healthy enough confidence in my future to notwaste any more time caring about you. I didnt want to have to say any of this. I

wanted to quit and take the high road and not say anything. But the harsh

reality of dealing with a master manipulator is that you will stop at nothing to

salvage your image, and you would do everything in your power to bring medown. Thanks to the times we are in, I have a way of getting my story out before

you blast my credibility from your position of authority. I understand this looksinsubordinate and I apologize to the schools I will be looking at attending forhaving to call out my head coach like this. As to my ability to fall in line and

respect authority (that will be vehemently opposed by Coach Kill), I ask the

readers to look into the fact that I made it to playing-time despite being a walk-onand also that I sat there during his entire rant this past Thursday taking it blow by

blow. I understand, Coach Kill, that you will do everything you can to tarnish my

name after this, and I have accepted that fact and am willing to contest it with


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everything I have. Im going to stand strong and hold my ground. Im speaking

out against you for the first and last time.

As a master manipulator, you misunderstood one thing about me: I have anextremely strong mind and you never had the power to break me.

Your former player,

AJ Barker

***I am willing to meet with you (Coach Kill) to discuss this, but only if Norward

Teague and my parents are also present for the meeting.

p.s.

The fact you think I think I have life all figured out just shows how

fundamentally wrong you are about me. Learning is a life long hobby and Imdedicated to the quest of figuring more and more things out untill the day I die.

Ive realized over time, like many others, the more I learn the less I know.

Id also like to take this opportunity to apologize to my teammates and fans. This

is extremely hard for me to do and I spent the last 4 years doing everything I

could to make it work here. I understand that leaving you is a very hard thing to

deal with. Im not out to get you. Take this moment of betrayal I am forced to doto you and use it to fuel the team in your game against MSU and in our bowl

game. I hope you kick their butts, Ill be cheering for my teammates. The harsh

reality is we all have a limited time to play college football. It goes by fast. 13

months from now I will be forced to move on from college football regardless ofwhat I do. It breaks my heart to cut you off before that time, and it kills me I

wont give the U of M the legacy I had hoped to leave behind. This is life,however, and goes on with or without us. Theres no doubt that with you all in

mind, this is a self serving response to a terrible situation, and I hope you can

forgive me of that eventually.

I also hope this can motivate other players on the team that have been mistreatedand other collegiate athletes to stand up against unreasonable psychological abuse

and manipulation by their coaches/superiors.

////////////////////////////

For the record, heres a list of manipulation tactics youve managed to use againstme in the time Ive been playing for you. Dont try any quick stuff with me. I

anticipate after reading all this you (Jerry Kill) will have nothing to revert to but

play the victim and seek the approval of those under your control. My best

wishes go out to them.


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Lying: It is hard to tell if somebody is lying at the time they do it, although often

the truth may be apparent later when it is too late. One way to minimize the

chances of being lied to is to understand that some personality types (particularlypsychopaths) are experts at the art of lying andcheating, doing it frequently, and

often in subtle ways.

Lying by omission: This is a very subtle form of lying by withholding a

significant amount of the truth. This technique is also used inpropaganda.

Denial: Manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong.

Rationalization: An excuse made by the manipulator for inappropriate behavior.

Rationalization is closely related to spin.

Minimization: This is a type of denial coupled with rationalization. The

manipulator asserts that his or her behavior is not as harmful or irresponsible as

someone else was suggesting, for example saying that a taunt or insult was only ajoke.

Selective inattention or selective attention: Manipulator refuses to pay attention toanything that may distract from his or her agenda, saying things like I dont want

to hear it.

Covert intimidation: Manipulator throwing the victim onto the defensive by using

veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.

Guilt tripping: A special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to the

conscientiousvictim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish or has iteasy. This usually results in the victim feeling bad, keeping them in aself-

doubting, anxious andsubmissive position.

Shaming: Manipulator uses sarcasm and put-downs to increase fearand self-doubtin the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and

therefore defer to them. Shaming tactics can be very subtle such as a fierce look

or glance, unpleasant tone of voice, rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm.Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them. It is

an effective way to foster a sense of inadequacy in the victim.

Playing the victim role (poor me): Manipulator portrays him- or herself as avictim of circumstance or of someone elses behavior in order to gainpity,sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring

and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the

manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheatinghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheatinghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheatinghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie#Lying_by_omissionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Propagandahttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Propagandahttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denialhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rationalization_(psychology)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spin_(public_relations)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spin_(public_relations)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimisation_(psychology)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attentionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimidationhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_(emotion)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscientioushttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscientioushttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxioushttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Submissivehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Submissivehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaminghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcasmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fearhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pityhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pityhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pityhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathyhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheatinghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie#Lying_by_omissionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Propagandahttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denialhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rationalization_(psychology)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spin_(public_relations)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimisation_(psychology)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attentionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimidationhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_(emotion)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscientioushttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxioushttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Submissivehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaminghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcasmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fearhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pityhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathyhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion


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Vilifying the victim: More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of

putting the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive

intent of the manipulator.

Playing the servant role: Cloaking a self-serving agenda in guise of a service to a

more noble cause, for example saying he is acting in a certain way forobedience and service to God or a similarauthority figure.

Seduction: Manipulator uses charm,praise, flattery or overtly supporting others inorder to get them to lower their defenses and give theirtrust and loyaltyto him or

her.

Feigning innocence: Manipulator tries to suggest that any harm done was

unintentional or that they did not do something that they were accused of.Manipulator may put on a look of surprise or indignation. This tactic makes the

victim question his or her ownjudgment and possibly his own sanity.

Feigning confusion: Manipulator tries to play dumb by pretending he or she does

not know what the victim is talking about or is confused about an important issuebrought to his attention.

Brandishing anger: Manipulator uses anger to brandish sufficient emotional

intensity and rageto shock the victim into submission. The manipulator is not

actually angry, he or she just puts on an act. He just wants what he wants and getsangry when denied.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaminghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Authority_figurehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seductionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superficial_charmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superficial_charmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Praisehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flatteryhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(social_sciences)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loyaltyhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loyaltyhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Innocencehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgmenthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confusionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angerhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rage_(emotion)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rage_(emotion)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaminghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Authority_figurehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seductionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superficial_charmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Praisehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flatteryhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(social_sciences)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loyaltyhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Innocencehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgmenthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confusionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angerhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rage_(emotion)

A.J. Barker's Letter to Coach Kill

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