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Agricultural Research Service Office of Outreach, Diversity and Equal Opportunity
Cooperative Resolution Program
“An Introduction to Holding
Crucial Conversations”
Jeff Schmitt Alternative Dispute Resolution Specialist
May 30, 2012
United States Department of Agriculture
Early Resolution and Conciliation Division
Understand our contribution
Learn and understand mechanisms to maintain safety, mutual respect and purpose
A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where:
- stakes are high
- opinions vary
- emotions run strong
The results have a large impact on the quality of your life.
Wanting to win/seeking revenge Hoping to remain safe Believing that we only have two choices Assuming that we know all we need to know Being so involved that it is nearly impossible to
gain a broad perspective
Blame is about judging (looking backward) Contribution is about understanding (looking
forward). What did we each do or not do, to get ourselves into this situation?
I should focus only on my contribution Putting aside blame means putting aside my
feelings Exploring contribution means “Blaming the
victim”
Avoiding until now Being unapproachable Differences in background, preferences,
communication style, etc. Problematic role assumptions
The Law of Crucial Conversations:
Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations keeping you there. Identify the crucial conversations you’re not holding or not holding well, figure out where you’re going wrong, fix it, and get better at everything.
Start with Heart Learn to Look MAKE IT SAFE Master my Stories STATE my Path Explore Others’ Paths Move to Action
Don’t miss the signs Learn to look for silence or violence
silence (masking, avoiding, withdrawing) violence (controlling, labeling, attacking)
Learn to look for your own style under stress
Dialogue cannot begin until Mutual Purpose exists
Without Mutual Purpose people will withhold meaning
Mutual Purpose is the foundation of trust Build Mutual Purpose
When safety breaks down mutual trust is violated
Dialogues ceases when respect is violated
ASK YOURSELF: What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?
Apologize for your role in causing/not preventing pain or difficulty when appropriate
Contrast to fix misunderstandings Create Mutual Purpose (CRIB)
Imagine what others might erroneously conclude
Immediately explain that this is what you don’t mean
Explain what you do mean
Your boss is constantly giving you assignments by e-mail. You prefer to receive assignments face-to-face so you can ask questions and reset your priorities. Without personal contact you often end up switching priorities, and then wondering if you’ve chosen correctly. You don’t mind the new work – just the ambiguity. You need to talk about this.
You are meeting with a hardworking, but sarcastic coworker. He or she routinely makes cutting remarks, takes cheap shots, and shakes his or her head in disgust while others are talking. You like this person and admire his or her energy, work ethic, and creativity but don’t like his or her abrasive style
A coworker is putting together your team’s annual budget. Every time he or she works on it and then shows it to you , it appears that your projects have less money allotted and his or hers have more. You’re beginning to wonder if your coworker is trying to take advantage of you.
Commit to seek Mutual Purpose - Our solution is not the only one
Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy - We confuse wants with strategies
Invent a Mutual Purpose - Focus on long-term goals
Brainstorm New Strategies - Step back into dialogue
Separate facts from stories
Watch for three clever stories – victim, villain, and helpless
Tell the rest of the story (your contribution)
AMPPAsk to get things rolling
Mirror to encourage
Paraphrase for
understanding
Prime to make it safe.
Why don’t we follow through with action?
We don’t decide well We make vague and weak commitments We don’t keep commitments We don’t routinely use our crucial
conversations’ skills
Connect to existing long-term benefits Stay in dialogue Watch for the line between dialogue and
threats Listen to others’ view of natural consequences Stop when you reach critical mass
Remain flexible to deal with emerging new problems
When safety is at risk, step out of the conversation, recreate the safety, then return
When another problem emerges that is worse, leave a bookmark so you know where to return to the original problem
Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
Crucial Confrontations – Tools for Resolving Broken Promises,
Violated Expectations and Bad Behavior
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler
www.vitalsmarts.com