“Adult Children Living at Home”

How to deal effectively with today’s new challenge!

Margie Roop, Regional Director

LifeServices EAP

What in the heck is happening today…?!

A recent study said that nearly 53% of young adults ages 18-24 in the U.S. are residing with their parents!

Why are they still living at home?

Economics?

Saving money to live on own?

Cheaper while attending college?

Saving money to invest?

Loss of job? Reliant for medical

help?

Failure to thrive?

Poor life decisions, i.e., DUIs that add costs or forfeit rights?

Out-of-control spending?

In/out of H.S./college so good job attainment is diminished?

Immature; unable to set and achieve life goals (undiagnosed or treated mental health issues)?

However……

YOUR blood pressure is escalating!

Your bills are climbing!

You are more exhausted!

You feel neglected & unappreciated!

You see your doctor more often

Your work is suffering.

The recipe for STRESS!

ARE you setting yourself up for failure by allowing irresponsible behaviors to occur & continue?

What are doing for them which they SHOULD be doing for themselves?

Is there a plan of action for them to move out or are you blinding just HOPING that one day, they’ll “get it” and move out?

Who’s controlling who?

• If your child is controlling your house, then you are allowing yourself to be controlled!

• If your child has not saved up money to move out on their own, you might start to think: will they ever move out?

• Living at home does take pressure off of them: mom and dad paying the bills, cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc…it gets real comfortable!

Some are “slower to mature”

• Developmentally, they just don’t seem quite ready to go it alone or take care of themselves yet.

• Typically, in these cases, the parents have been “over-functioning” for their kids.

• There is a big difference between HELPING and OVER-FUNCTIONING.

So, what exactly is considered “helping” your adult child?

Helping your child is doing something for themselves which they cannot do themselves, i.e., driving them somewhere because they have a broken leg, displaced from their housing due to natural disaster, etc…

Helping does NOT evoke feelings of resentment on your part; you feel A-OK about assisting them during their time of need.

What exactly is “over-functioning” for your adult child?

Over-functioning is doing something for your child which they CAN DO THEMSELVES: their laundry, cleaning up after their messes, taking out the garbage, chipping in on bills, etc…

When you are over-functioning for your child, you are allowing the negative behaviors to continue!

The good news is: it is within YOUR CONTROL to change the situation!

You need a plan of action for your

child!

• The message can be: “You’re not just here for good; we’re going to help you but, the goal is for you to get on your feet.”

• Having a goal is VERY important because it will ensure that your child’s stay back home doesn’t drag on forever.

Kids who Fail to Launch…..“But he’s just lost…”

The truth is: when your kid cannot launch, you are ENABLING him!

If your child is controlling your house, then you are allowing yourself to be controlled

And, if your kids have never left, then it’s because you have allowed them to stay.

“He’s going through a hard time…”

• The more parents feel controlled by their kids, the more the parents will try to control their kids!

• …but, the more they try to control the child, the longer their child stays, digs their heels in, and fights to get his own way!

When you feel you are being controlled, you have a few choices:

It truly is all about how you approach the situation and if you are ready to let go of your own controlling behaviors!

• You can be reactive to your child’s reactivity, and watch things escalate OR you can try to be objective & thoughtful about how you want to handle the situation.

• You could say (reactive): “You have lived here now for three years; when in the heck are you going to get a job?!”

• OR, you could say (objective): “What is your plan for getting a job? Please think about it and let’s talk after dinner tomorrow evening.”

Children with disabilities • Many of us handle our anxiety by

over-functioning for our kids; when it’s a disability, it gives the parent all the more reason to ”overdo for their kids!

• The key: stop focusing on what is wrong with your child.

• Stop asking: How can I get my child to be a certain way?” Start thinking about what they CAN do on his own

• It’s important to think about what YOU need: Just turn it around!

• There are children with ADHD, AD, and/or other issues who cannot, for example, do their own laundry or cook for themselves.

• No matter, the goal is for your child to become as autonomous as possible!

• Over-functioning may even be worse with a child with a disability with the parent using the disability as an excuse; the disability then gets over-exaggerated.

• That’s the main reason why some kids never leave their parents’ house or never make it on their own!

Nine points to follow…….

#1 Really?

Before your child moves back in, sit down & hammer out guidelines. What is it that both of us needs?

They are a “guest”; this is not permanent!

Be respectful and expect that all will work in collaboration.

Come again?

• Make sure everything is made clear!

#2 Set Limits…..

Set a timeline of how long they will stay, i.e., “Until you get a job” or “Until you get your first paycheck, or “In three months.”

You need to create motivation; if there is no time limit, there’s no motivation.

#3 Have a plan of action…..

Have a plan that in three, six, or nine months, you’ll help them get an apartment; this DOES NOT mean that you pay for everything, but maybe you’ll agree to assist financially in some way, however, if you choose to give them money do so in decreasing amounts as you reach their time to leave!

Will you charge rent? Utilities? Whatever you choose, the message needs to be: “If you are living in this house, you need to demonstrate that you are working towards your own independence! We need to see that and you need to help yourself make that happen!”

#4 Consider your own needs…..

Always come from a clear sense of yourself! How will you consider your needs as an adult who did not expect to have someone back home?

What are you willing to put up with?

State your needs clearly and firmly to your child!

What are your bottom lines? Values? Need for privacy?

Can they have friends over?

What must they help with?

Pay rent?

Drinking in the home? Illegal drug use?

#5 Don’t get pulled into guilt…..

If you’ve always done for your child and now you’re asking him to be responsible & contribute to the household, understand that you are changing a system.

You will likely get resistance and get “push-back.” Your child may get angry & say: “I can’t believe my own parents are doing this to me!”

Don’t get pulled back into guilt; as long as you have considered your own needs & principles, you’ll be able to hold on through your anger as you insist your child get on his own feet!

• If you start to feel resentment, you need to ask yourself, “how am I not addressing this issue and stepping over my own my own boundaries here?”

#6 Try not to react to your child’s anger……

Try to be kind and firm and work towards being thoughtful about the issue. Say: “You know what, let me think about what you’re saying & we’ll talk about this later.”

Are you afraid of your child’s anger? If so, then unless you get help, you will never going to be willing to do what it takes!

#7 When you’re feeling controlled by your child…..

Ask YOURSELF, how am I allowing this to happen? “Am I not making clear enough boundaries?” “Am I not making my expectations more clearly known?”

If you answer “No” to any of these questions, you need to address those issues with your child right away!

#8 When the relationship becomes abusive….

The question to ask yourself is: “What am I willing to live with?”

There is no excuse for abuse & it should not be tolerated!

If you are in a dangerous situation & your child is scaring you, it is time to ask them to leave!

In what way am I allowing them to do this to me?

“If I’m feeling endangered here, then I will need to call the police, then DO SO!!

Keep your OWN needs in mind: for safety & respect!

“What I expect here is peace & calm; this is not working out: it is time for you to move out.”

Do not contribute to your child’s reactiveness with your own reactiveness; YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THE PROBLEM!

#9 When it’s time for your adult child to leave the nest….

The bottom line is this: if you feel that you have done your part responsibly or that your child is not living up to their part of the bargain, & is taking advantage of you, maybe it is time for him to move out.”

It is up to you; you must decide; you will FEEL it and KNOW it!

Call LifeServices EAP for help!

You can be helped with this often times challenging situation!

You can co-exist with your adult child and make it work1

You have to be willing to give up certain behaviors and adopt new and healthier ones!

Helpful resource: Debbie Pincus, MS, LMHC, “Empowering Parents”, www.empoweringparents.com

1-800-822-4847