Adlerian Play Therapy Supplemental Handouts Terry … · -1- Adlerian Play Therapy Supplemental...

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Adlerian Play Therapy Supplemental Handouts

Terry Kottman, Ph.D. Georgia State University Play Therapy Training Institute

Workshops June 19 & 20, 2015

Assessing a Child’s Functioning at Life Tasks

Friendship Ask child lifestyle questions like: How do you get along with other clients? Describe your best

friend. What do you like about him or her? What does he or she like about you? What kinds of things

do you do together? Who are your other friends? Where do you see them? What kinds of activities do

you do with them? Do you prefer to play with lots of clients all at once, just a few clients, just one other

client, or by yourself? If you could change anything about your relationships

with other clients, what would you change? Observe play in the sand box, with puppets and figures, etc.

Do art activities about friendship

Ask parent(s) and teacher(s) about friendships

Work/School

Ask lifestyle questions like: How do things go for you at school? What do

you like best at school? What is your favorite subject? What do you like least about school? What is

your least favorite subject? What would you be rather doing than going to school? What do you do best

at school? What does your teacher like about you? The principal? The school counselor? The

custodian? What would you like to change about school? What do you get in trouble for at school? What

happens when you get in trouble at school? (What are the consequences, if any?) Who disciplines you at

school? How do you feel about that person? How do you react when you get disciplined at school?

Observe child in spontaneous school play

Engage child in school play–either role playing or with puppets or figures

Do Kinetic School Activity (can be drawing, sand tray, interpretive dance)

Ask parent(s) and teacher(s) about school

Love/Family Ask lifestyle questions like: If ____________ (the presenting problem)

wasn't happening, how would things be different in your life? Describe each person

in your family. Which of your brothers and sisters is most different from you?

How is he or she different from you? (In a family of just two children, ask how the

other sibling is different from the client.) Which of your brothers and sisters is

most like you? How is he or she like you? (In a family of just two children, ask how

the other sibling is like the client.) What kind of person is your dad? What kind of

person is your mom? Which one of your parents are you most like? How are you like

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him or her? What do you get in trouble for at home? What happens when you get

into trouble at home? (What are the consequences, if any?) What do you do (how

do you react) when you get into trouble at home? Which of your parents is

stricter? What is he/she strict about? What happens when your parents disagree?

What does your family do for fun together? If you could change anything about

your family, what would you change?

Observe child in family play

Engage child in family play–either pretending, with puppets, figures, etc. Do Kinetic Family Activity (can be drawing, sand tray, puppet show, etc.)

Ask parent(s) and teacher(s) about home and family

Self

Ask lifestyle questions like: if you had three wishes, what would they be? If anything in your life

could be different, what would you want to change? If you could be any toy in the play room, what toy

would you be? What do you like about that toy? What hurts your feelings? What is it about _________

that hurts your feelings? How do you act when your feelings are hurt? How do your parents and other

people react when you feel hurt? What are you good at? What do you wish you were better at doing?

What do you like about yourself? What do other people like about you? What do you wish you could

change about yourself?

Observe child’s play and comments about self and self-image

Do art activities like self portrait, the Rosebush, body outlines, etc.

Ask parent(s) and teachers(s) about the child’s image of him/her self

Spiritual/Existential

Ask lifestyle questions like: What do you believe about God? Do you go to services? What do you do

there? What do you like about it? What do you learn there? What do you think happens when people die? Observe child’s play and comments about spiritual issues

Do art activities such as drawing pictures of God, Buddha,

etc.

Terry Kottman, Ph.D., LMHC, NCC, RPT-S

The Encouragement Zone tkottman.cfu.net

319-266-0887 www.encouragementzone.com

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Client Interview/Life Style Inventory

With an only child, for the following questions, you can ask the client to compare himself or herself to friends, cousins, neighbors or skip the question (e.g., skip questions 7, 8, 9, 10). For a single parent family, skip the questions that do not apply.

Family Atmosphere and Constellation Questions

1. If ____________ (the presenting problem) wasn't happening, how would things be different in your

life?

2. Describe each person in your family (family-of-origin for adults).

3. Which of your brothers and sisters is/was most different from you? How is/was he or she different

from you? (In a family of just two children, ask how the other sibling is different from the client.)

4. Which of your brothers and sisters is/was most like you? How is/was he or she like you? (In a family

of just two children, ask how the other sibling is/was like the client.)

5. What kind of person is/was your dad?

6. What kind of person is/was your mom?

7. Of all the clients in the family, which one is/was most like your dad? In what ways?

8. Of all the clients in your family, which one is/was most like your mom? In what ways?

9. Which of the clients is/was your dad's favorite?

10. Which of the clients is/was your mom's favorite?

11. Which one of your parents are/were you most like? How are/were you like him or her? (This may

have already been answered in question 7 or 8, but it is a slightly different question, and you may want

the client to elaborate on her or his answers.)

12. What do you get in trouble for at home? (For adults: what did you get in trouble for when you were

a client? Or What do you get in trouble for at work/with friends/with spouse?)

13. What happens/happened when you get/got into trouble at home? (What are the consequences, if

any?)

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14. How do/did you react when you get/got into trouble?

15. Which of your parents is/was stricter? What is/was he/she strict about?

16. What happens when your parents disagree(d)?

17. What do/did they disagree about?

18. What does/did your family do for fun together?

19. If you could change anything about your family, what would you change?

School Questions

1. How do things go for you at school? (For adults: at work?)

2. What do you like best at school/work?

3. What is your favorite subject? (For adults: what is your favorite thing

about work?)

4. What do you like least about school/work?

5. What is your least favorite subject? (For adults: what is your least

favorite thing about work?)

6. What would you be rather doing than going to school/work?

7. What do you do best at school/work?

8. What does your teacher/boss like about you? The principal? The school counselor? The custodian?

9. What would you like to change about school/work?

10. What do you get in trouble for at school/work?

11. What happens when you get in trouble at school/work? (What are the consequences, if any?)

12. Who disciplines you at school/work? How do you feel about that person? How do you react when you

get disciplined?

Social Questions (Questions 1-9 are just for child clients; on Questions 10-17, can ask about when the

client was a client and/or can ask about friendships now.)

1. How do you get along with adults?

2. Who is your favorite adult?

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3. What do you like about him or her?

4. What does he or she like about you?

5. Who is your least favorite adult?

6. What don't you like about him or her?

7. How do you get along with other clients your age?

8. How do you get along with clients younger than you?

9. How do you get along with clients older than you?

10. Who is your best friend?

11. Describe him or her.

12. What do you like about him or her?

13. What does he or she like about you?

14. What kinds of things do you do together?

15. Who are your other friends? Where do you see them? What kinds of activities do you do with

them?

16. Do you prefer to play with lots of clients all at once, just a few clients, just one other client, or by

yourself?

17. If you could change anything about your relationships with your peers, what would you change?

General Questions

1. If you had three wishes, what would they be?

2. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be? What do you like about that animal? How do you

think that animal is like you? What are the qualities of that animal that you admire or wish you could

have?

3. If anything in your life could be different, what would you want to

change?

4. If you could be any toy in the play room, what toy would you be?

What do you like about that toy?

5. What is your favorite book or story? What do you like about that

book or story?

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6. Who is your favorite character in a book or story? What do you like about him or her or it?

7. What is your favorite movie? What do you like about that movie?

8. Who is your favorite movie character? What do you like about him or her or it?

9. What is your favorite television show? What do you like about that show?

10. Who is your favorite character on television? What do you like about him or her or it?

11. Do you remember any of the dreams you have at night? Describe them. How do you feel when you

wake up? How do your parents and others react when you tell them about your dreams?

12. What are you most afraid of? What is there about ________ scares you? How do you act when

you're afraid/how do you let other people know that you are afraid? How do your parents and other

people react when you feel afraid?

13. What do you get the most angry about? What is there about it that angers you? How do you act when

you're angry/how do you let other people know when you are angry? How do your parents and other

people react when you feel angry?

14. What do you get the most sad about? What is there about it that you feel sad about? How do you act

when you're sad/how do you let other people know when you are sad? How do your parents and other

people react when you feel sad?

15. What hurts your feelings? What is it about _________ that hurts your feelings? How do you act

when your feelings are hurt? How do your parents and other people react when you feel hurt?

16. When you feel afraid (angry, sad, hurt), what can you do to help

yourself deal with those feelings? What can other people in your life do

to help you deal with those feelings?

17. What are you good at?

18. What do you wish you were better at doing?

19. What do you like about yourself?

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Assessing a Child’s Crucial Cs and Developing Intervention Strategies Developed by Terry Kottman, Ph.D., LMHC, RPT-S based on Lew & Bettner’s Crucial Cs

COURAGE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Willing to try new things Yes No Gives up easily Yes No

Willing to take interpersonal risks Yes No Seems to feel inadequate Yes No

Willing to take academic risks Yes No Tries to avoid challenges Yes No

Believes he/she can succeed Yes No Compares self negatively Yes No

Believes he/she can handle Yes No to others

challenges Seems to be hopeful Yes No

Situations/relationships in which he/she exhibits courage:

Situations/relationships in which he/she seems to lack courage:

Factors that seem to influence courageous behavior:

Other comments related to courage:

Possible strategies for increasing courage:

CONNECT 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Makes friends easily Yes No Seems to feel secure Yes No

Works to keep friends Yes No Socially isolated Yes No

Cooperates with others Yes No Has social network that Yes No

Expresses belief in belonging Yes No gets into trouble

Seeks attention in negative ways Yes No Socially rejected Yes No

Position in social network (e.g., alpha, beta, scapegoat, worker bee, etc.):

Methods of connecting with friends and in social network:

Situations/relationships in which he/she seems to connect in positive ways:

Situations/relationships in which he/she seems to struggle with connecting:

Factors that seem to influence his/her ability to connect:

Possible strategies for optimizing connecting:

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CAPABLE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Expresses sense of mastery Yes No Acknowledges assets Yes No

Exhibits self-control Yes No Takes responsible for self Yes No

Exhibits self-discipline Yes No Has confidence in own Yes No

Is responsible Yes No ability

Tries to show others they Yes No Tries to control others Yes No

cannot be in control Dependent on others Yes No

Is actually capable in these situations/subjects:

Believes he/she is capable in these situations/subjects:

Struggles with actually being capable in these situations/subjects:

Struggles with believing he/she is capable in these situations/subjects:

Other comments about capability:

Possible strategies for increasing capability OR belief in capability:

COUNT 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Seems to feel valuable and valued Yes No Believes he/she makes a Yes No

Makes a contribution Yes No difference

Believes in self without conditions Yes No Seems to feel insignificant Yes No

Has poor self-image Yes No Brags, acts superior Yes No

Situations/relationships in which he/she believes that he/she counts:

Situations/relationships in which he/she does not believe that he/she counts:

Positive strategies he/she uses to feel important/gain significance:

Negative (self-defeating) strategies he/she uses to feel important/gain significance:

Other comments about count/gaining significance:

Possible strategies for increasing feelings of importance/counting:

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Helping a Child Feel Connected:

1. Provide opportunities for cooperative interaction.

2. Give positive attention.

3. Find and recognize strengths and talents.

4. Show acceptance; separate the deed from the doer.

Helping a Child Feel Capable:

1. Make each mistake a learning experience.

2. Build confidence.

3. Believe in the child.

4. Make sure the child has some successes.

Helping the Child Feel That He or She Counts:

1. Encourage and acknowledge the child’s contributions.

2. Give recognition to the child.

3. Listen to the child.

4. Ask the child’s opinions.

Helping the Child Develop Courage:

1. Demonstrate the courage to be imperfect yourself.

2. Point out strengths, not weaknesses.

3. Don’t make comparisons with others.

4. Ask questions that show concern and support.

5. Avoid debilitating help.

6. Avoid criticism.

Lew, A., & Bettner, B.L. (1998). Responsibility in theclassroom: A teacher’s

guide to understanding and motivating students AND A parent’s guide to motivating children. Newton Center, MA: Connexions Press.

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Using Puppet Play to Help Identify Goals of Misbehavior

Using puppets, dolls, or sand tray figures, the play therapist could do a short puppet show with one of the puppet

demonstrating a selected goal of misbehavior. The “misbehaving” puppet would have “lines” that would be typical of

a child who manifests the particular patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving ususal in those who have that as

their primary goal of misbehavior. This character could also narrate what he/she is feeling and thinking while they

are saying their “lines” and acting out the negative behaviors. The play therapist could simply watch the child’s

reaction to the puppet play of each type of misbehavior to observe whether the child seems to have any kind of

recognition reflex for a particular character. The play therapist could also ask the child what he/she thinks about

that character or could ask the child to play out a character who did similar things. It might also be helpful to have

other characters who would act out the typical responses of people (adults and other children) to a child who is

manifesting that particular goal of misbehavior and observe the child’s behavior to this (or engage the child in a

conversation about the interaction between the characters).

Attention-seeking characters would do things to draw attention to

themselves. They might bother others, brag, show off, act silly, be

really loud, make messes, and the like. They could be mildly

inappropriate and then when one of the other characters corrects

them, they would stop for a little while, but later resume the

inappropriate behavior. Other characters would express frustration and

annoyance at this pattern. Attention-seeking characters would say things like:

“I want others to notice me.”

“I want others to do more for me.”

“I want to be special.”

“I should get all the attention.”

“Why aren’t others playing attention to me?”

“I don’t get enough attention.”

“I feel sad/mad/ disappointed when no one is noticing me.”

Power-seeking characters would do things like having temper tantrums, arguing, lying, getting

into power struggles with others, refuse to cooperate, and/or being disobedient or defiant.

When one of the other characters corrects them, they would escalate their acting-out, which

would result in the other characters getting angry with them. Power-seeking characters would

say things like: “I want to be in charge.”

“I want others to do what I want them to do.”

“I want /need to show others they cannot control me.”

“I want others to stop telling me what to do.”

“I want/need power.”

“I must have power/control to be safe/protect myself.”

Revenge-seeking characters would do things like deliberately hurting

others (either physically or emotionally), saying malicious or cruel things

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to others, being violent toward others, and/or threatening others. If one of the other

characters asked them to stop or set some kind of consequence or punishment, these

characters would become even more violent, aggressive, or vindictive. Revenge-seeking

characters would say things like:

“I believe I have been treated unfairly.”

“I want to get even with others.”

“I need to pay others back for hurting me/jerking me around.”

“I want others to feel what it is like to be hurt.”

“I want others to be sorry for what they have done to me.”

“I need to keep others at a distance so they can’t hurt me.”

“I know that no one really cares for me.”

Characters who are displaying or proving inadequacy would do things like–well, they wouldn’t do

much, actually. They would give up easily or not even make an attempt to do things. They might

say they can’t do things, they might be mute and refuse to answer others, they would be

reluctant to try new things, they would express extreme self-doubts, they would basically be

the manifestation of discouragement. They might seek isolation from others. In extreme cases,

they might be suicidal or self-destructive, but with younger children this would be an

inappropriate subject for a puppet show. When other characters gave them feedback or tried

to be encouraging, these characters would sink lower into their own self-doubts and

discouragement. Characters whose goal is proving their own inadequacy would say things like:

“I want/need others to stop asking me to do things.”

“I want/need others to stop asking me to try harder.”

“I want people to feel sorry for me.”

“I want to be left alone”.

“I might as well not try because I wouldn’t be successful anyway.”

“I can’t do anything right.”

“I know I can’t do it.”

“I’m a loser.”

“I am not important.”

This activity was based on a idea from an inventory developed by Manly, L. (1986). Goals of misbehavior inventory.

Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, 21, 160-161.

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Assessing a Parent’s Crucial Cs and Developing Intervention Strategies

COURAGE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Willing to try unfamiliar things Yes No Gives up easily Yes No

Willing to take risk with child Yes No Seems to feel inadequate Yes No

Tries to avoid challenges Yes No Resistant to feedback Yes No




Situations/relationships in which he/she exhibits courage in parenting or interacting with spouse:

Situations/relationships in which he/she seems to lack courage in parenting or interacting with spouse:




CONNECT 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Builds relationships easily Yes No Seems to feel secure Yes No

Works to keep relationships Yes No Socially isolated Yes No

Cooperates with others Yes No Connects with children Yes No

Expresses belief in belonging Yes No in appropriate ways


Position in social network (e.g. alpha, beta, scapegoat, worker bee, etc.):

Methods of connecting with his/her child and/or spouse:




Other comments about connecting:


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CAPABLE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10







Is actually capable in these situations with child and/or spouse:

Believes he/she is capable in these situations with child and/or spouse:

Struggles with actually being capable in these parenting/family situations:

Struggles with believing he/she is capable in these parenting/family situations:



COUNT 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10




Has poor self-image (related to Yes No Brags, acts superior Yes No

parenting or generally)

Situations in which he/she believes that he/she counts with child or other family members:

Situations in which he/she does not believe that he/she counts with child or other family members:





Instrument developed by Dr. Terry Kottman, The Encouragement Zone, for assessment of Lew & Bettner’s Crucial Cs

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Assessing a Teacher’s Crucial Cs and Developing Intervention Strategies

COURAGE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Willing to try new techniques Yes No Gives up easily Yes No

Willing to take interpersonal risks Yes No Seems to feel inadequate Yes No

Tries to avoid professional Resistant to constructive

challenges Yes No feedback Yes No




Situations/relationships in which he/she exhibits courage:

Situations/relationships in which he/she seems to lack courage:




CONNECT 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Builds relationships easily Yes No Seems to feel secure Yes No

Works to keep relationships Yes No Socially isolated Yes No

Cooperates with others Yes No Connects with children Yes No

Expresses belief in belonging Yes No in appropriate ways


Position in social network (eg., alpha, beta, scapegoat, worker bee, etc.):

Methods of connecting with friends and in social network:




Other comments about connecting:


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CAPABLE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10







Is actually capable in these situations/subjects:

Believes he/she is capable in these situations/subjects:

Struggles with actually being capable in these situations/subjects:

Struggles with believing he/she is capable in these situations/subjects:



COUNT 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10




Has poor self-image Yes No Brags, acts superior Yes No

Situations/relationships in which he/she believes that he/she counts:

Situations/relationships in which he/she does not believe that he/she counts:





Instrument developed by Dr. Terry Kottman, The Encouragement Zone, for an information assessment of Lew and Bettner’s Crucial Cs

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KINETIC FAMILY DRAWING--Adlerian Questioning Strategies "Draw a picture of everyone in your family, DOING something. Try to draw whole people, not cartoons or stick

people. Remember, make everyone DOING something--some kind of action." When the child has finished

drawing, ask the child the following questions about each of the figures:

1. Who is this person?

2. What is his/her relationship to you?

3. How old is he/she?

4. Can you tell me a little bit about this person?

5. What is this person doing?

6. How does this person feel?

7. What does this person need the most?

8. How do you feel about this person?

9. How does this person get along with other people?

Choose several of these questions to ask about individual figures:

1. What does this person wish for?

2. What is this person thinking?

3. What do you like about this person?

4. What don’t you like about this person?

5. What happened to this person right before the picture?

6. What will happen to this person right after the picture?

7. What will happen to this person in the future?

8. What does this person do well?

9. What does this person get in trouble for?

10. What is this person afraid of?

11. Which of the other children are you most like? How?

12. Which of them is most different from you? How?

13. With which of them do you spend the most time? Doing what?

14. Which of the children's Mom's favorite?

15. Which of the children is Dad's favorite?

16. Which of the children is most like Mom? How?

17. Which of the children is most like Dad? How?

18. Which of your parents are you most like? How?

Choose some of the following questions to ask about the family:

1. What is the family doing?

2. What will happen to this family right after this picture?

3. What happened to this family right before this picture?

4. What will happen to this family in the future?

5. If you could change anything about this family, what would you change?

Adapted by Terry Kottman, Ph.D. from: Knoff, H. (1985). Kinetic drawing system for family and school: Scoring booklet. Los Angeles: Western Psychological Services.

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KINETIC SCHOOL DRAWING--Adlerian Questioning Strategies

Terry Kottman, Ph.D., RPT-S, LMHC, NCC; The Encouragement Zone

Give the child a pencil with an eraser and one sheet white of paper. Say: "I'd like you to draw a school picture.

Put yourself, your teacher, and a friend or two in the picture. Make everybody DOING something. Try to draw

whole people and make the best drawing you can. Remember, draw yourself, your teacher, and a friend or two,

and make everybody doing something." When the child has finished drawing, ask the child the following questions

about each of the figures:

1. Who is this person?

2. Can you tell me a little bit about this person?

3. What is this person doing?

4. How does this person feel?

5. How do you feel about this person?

6. How does this person get along with other people?

Choose several of these questions to ask about individual figures:

1. What does this person wish for?

2. What is this person thinking?

3. What do you like about this person?

4. What don't you like about this person?

5. What happened to this person right before the picture?

6. What will happen to this person right after the picture?

7. What will happen to this person in the future?

8. What does this person do well?

9. What does this person get in trouble for?

10. What happens when this person gets in trouble?

11. What is this person afraid of?

12. What does this person do for fun?

13. What does this person think about school?

14. Which of these friends is you most like? How?

15. Which of these friends is most different from you? How?

16. With which of these friends do you spend the most time?

17. Which of these friends is the teacher's favorite? Why?

18. Which of these friends doesn't the teacher like? Why?

19. How do things go for you in school?

Choose several of these questions to ask about school interactions:

1. What is the class doing?

2. What will happen to this class right after this picture?

3. What happened to this class right before this picture?

4. What will happen to this class in the future?

5. If you could change anything about this class, what would you change? What would you change about school?

Adapted by Terry Kottman, Ph.D. from: Knoff, H. (1985). Kinetic drawing system for family and school: Scoring booklet. Los Angeles: Western Psychological Services.

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FAMILY CONSTELLATION

"The concept of the family constellation as a dynamic explanation, sees the development not so much as the results

of factors which converge on the child, but of his own interaction. He influences the group and the other members

of the family as much as he is influenced by them and in many regards even more, because his own concept forces

them to treat him the way he expects to be treated. Each child, in his early relationships to other members of the

family, establishes his own approaches to others in his effort to gain a place in the group. All his striving are

directed towards a feeling of security - a feeling of belonging - that the difficulties of life will be overcome and

that he will emerge safely and victoriously. The child trains those qualities by which he hopes to achieve

significance or even a degree of power and superiority in the family constellation." (Pepper, 1979, p. ll)

The primary reason to examine psychological birth position in play therapy is to begin developing a list of the

child's assets and liabilities. Each position in the family constellation has several characteristic traits that can be

destructive. As a play therapist, your job is to help the child recognize and capitalize on strengths and help the

child learn ways to eliminate or compensate for weaknesses. The Only Child

The only child has a decidedly difficult start in life as he/she spends his/her entire childhood among persons who

are more proficient. He/she may try to develop skills and areas that will gain approval of the adult world or he/she

may solicit sympathy by being shy, timid, or helpless.

1. May be a "pampered" child.

2. Enjoys his/her position as the center of interest.

3. May be interested only in self.

4. Sometimes has a feeling of insecurity due to the anxiety of parents.

5. May not be taught to gain things by own effort; merely to want something is to have it.

6. If requests are not granted, he/she may feel unfairly treated and refuse to cooperate.

7. Knows how to relate to adults.

8. May be very independent, self-entertaining.

9. Are frequently creative and intelligent.

The First Child

The first child has a precarious position in life - being the oldest should entitle him/her the favored spot and

frequently does. However, he/she may become discouraged upon the birth of the second child and refuse to

accept responsibility.

1. Is an only child for a period of time and has therefore likes being the center of interest.

2. Has to be first - in the sense of gaining and holding superiority over the next children.

3. Becomes a "de-throned" child with the birth of the second child. (Sometimes feels unloved and

neglected. He/she usually strives to keep or to regain mother's attention by positive deeds; when this fails,

he/she quite often switches to the useless side and may become obnoxious. If his/her mother fights back, the

child may become a problem child.)

4. Could develop a good, competent behavior pattern or become extremely discouraged.

5. Sometimes strives to protect and help others in his struggle to keep the upper

hand.

6. Sometime death wishes or expressions of hate are directed toward the second

child.

7. Responsible; may even tend to be over-responsible/grandiose.

8. Organized, leader.

9. Achievement-oriented.

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The Second Child

The second child has somewhat of an uncomfortable position in life and usually takes a steam engine attitude,

trying to catch up with the child in front and feels as though he/she is under constant pressure.

1. Never has his/her parents' undivided attention, so never feels he/she deserves complete attention.

2. Always has in front of him/her another child who is more advanced, so may feel he/she cannot measures up.

3. Feels that the first child cannot be beaten which disputes his/her claim of equality.

4. Often acts as though he were in a race. May be hyperactive and pushy.

5. If the first child is successful, the second is more likely to feel uncertain of self and his/her abilities.

6. Frequently athletic.

7. Often have advanced social skills; get along well with peers.

8. May give up because he/she feels it is impossible to compete with oldest child.

9. Usually is the opposite of the first child. (If the first child is dependable and "good," the second may

become undependable and "bad.")

10. Becomes a "squeezed" child whenever a third child is born.

The Youngest Child

The youngest child has quite a peculiar place in the family constellation. He/she may

become a speeder because he/she is outdistanced and may become the most successful or

may become discouraged and have inferior feelings.

1. Is often like an only child.

2. Usually has things done for him/her - decisions made, and responsibility taken.

3. Usually is spoiled by the family.

4. Finds self in an embarrassing position - is usually the smallest, the weakest and above all, not taken

seriously.

5. May become the "boss" in the family.

6. Either attempts to excel his/her brothers and sisters or evades the direct struggle for superiority.

7. May retain the baby role, and place others in his/her service.

8. Often allies with the first child as being different from the rest.

9. Frequently charming, entertaining, has good sense of humor.

10. Likes to "follow-up"--does not usually want to lead.

The Middle Child of Three

The middle child of three has an uncertain place in the family group and may feel neglected. He/she discovers that

he/she has not the privileges of the youngest nor the rights of an older child.

1. May feel unloved and abused.

2. Becomes a "squeezed child" whenever a third child is born.

3. May hold the conviction that people are unfair to him/her.

4. May be unable to find his/her place in the group.

5. May become extremely discouraged and more prone to become a problem child.

6. Sometimes the mediator/peacemaker.

7. Can see all sides of a situation.

8. Frequently creative/innovative.

9. May be rebel child.

Psychological position is also effected by family values, spacing of children, siblings with handicaps, gender, and

other factors that vary from family to family and from culture to culture. For example, when there is a five year

gap, a new sibling subset begins

20

EARLY RECOLLECTIONS Early recollections are moments--usually from the first four to six years--that a person chooses to

remember from all the possible life experiences. Interpretation of early recollections helps the counselor

understand the client's life style. Life style is a person's unique way of acting, thinking, feeling, and/or responding

to self and the environment. Through early recollections, clients reveal their attitudes toward themselves, their

relationships with others, and their view of life.

1. Establish rapport before asking for ERs.

2. Understand the child's family constellations before asking for ERs.

3. Observe the child's usual behavior before asking for ERs.

4. Ask for ERs with questions such as, "Tell me something that happened to you when you were little." Or

"What is one of the first things you can remember happening?"

5. Write down the ER exactly as the child tells it.

6. Ask for the feeling(s) associated with the recollection. Ask how old the child was at the time of the

experience.

7. The counselor may want to ask the child to draw or act the ER with dolls or puppets, instead of just

telling it.

8. Try to get more than one ER. Five to seven are optimal.

9. Look for recurring themes in the ERs.

10. Interpret the meaning of the ERs in the context of the family

constellation and family atmosphere. ERs should validate the

counselor's emerging understanding of the child's life style.

11. When sharing inferences or interpretations based on ERs, the

counselor should watch for recognition reflexes which usually

indicate that the interpretation is correct.

Interpretation of Early Recollections 1. What is the "feeling tone" of the ER ? Is there a pattern running through the ERs?

2. What is the focus of each memory? What stands out as being the most significant factor?

3. Is the client in the memories? If yes, as an observer or a participant?

4. If the client is participating, is he/she active or passive?

5. Is the client usually alone or with others?

6. What is his/her relationship to others in the memory? (think in terms of both emotional relationship

and familial relationship)

7. Does the client give to others or take from others?

8. Is the major concern with people or with things?

9. Does the client have a superior or inferior attitude/role?

10. Is the client in control of the situation or are others in control?

11. Is the client taking care of others? Being taken care of by others?

12. What emotions does the client remember? How strong are they?

13. Is the client conforming or rebelling?

14. Are there patterns of certain ways of interacting with others? Patterns of certain emotions? Look for the central theme of each recollection. Then look for the overall pattern of all the

recollections. Look for patterns of interactions that are always associated with one another, such

as with men..., with women..., with authority figures..., with peers..., etc. What is the purpose

of the recollection? (to warn, to remind, to reaffirm, etc. From: Borden, B. (1982). Early recollections as a diagnostic technique with primary age children. Individual Psychology, 38, 207-212.

21

Quick Draw for Parents

Draw (in a minute or less) the following:

1. The last time you were mad at your child.

2. The last time you were sad in connection with something about your child.

3. The last time you were incredibly happy with your child.

4. The last time you were disappointed in your parenting.

5. The last time you were proud of your parenting.

6. The last time someone disapproved of you about your parenting.

7. The last time you were disapproving of the way someone else interacted with your child.

8. The last time you felt guilty about the way you interacted with your child.

9. The last time you felt happy about something you did in your relationship with your child.

10. The last time you felt totally loving toward your child.

11. The last time you felt totally hateful toward your child.

12. The last time you were scared for your child.

13. The thing you worry about the most in your parenting.

14. The thing you did in connection with your child you feel the most guilt about.

15. The activity you do with your child in which you feel the happiest.

16. The area of parenting in which you fell the most successful.

17. The time you were madder than you have ever been at your child.

18. Your most exciting experience with your child.

19. The most fun you have ever had with your child.

20. Your best skill in co-parenting.

21. Your most significant accomplishment as a parent.

22. Your biggest disappointment as a parent.

23. Your best moment as a parent.

24. Your worst fear as a parent.

25. Your greatest challenge as a parent.

26. The impact you would like to have on your child/children.

27. The impact you would like your child to have on the world.

28. Your best parenting self.

29. Your evil parenting twin.

30. The thing you are most ashamed of in your relationship with

your child.

31. The thing connected to your child you are afraid others will find out about.

22

Quick Draw forTeachers

Draw (in a minute or less) the following:

1. The last time you were mad at a child in your class.

2. The last time you were sad in connection with a child in your class.

3. The last time you were incredibly happy with a child in your class or your class.

4. The last time you were disappointed in your teaching or your handling a situation with a child

in your class or your class.

5. The last time you were proud of your teaching or your handling of a situation with a child in

your class or your class.

6. The last time someone disapproved of you about your teaching or your handling of a

situation with a child in your class or your class.

7. The last time you were disapproving of the way someone else interacted with a child in your

class.

8. The last time you felt guilty about the way you interacted with your teaching or your

handling of a situation with a child in your class or your class.

9. The last time you felt happy about something you did in your relationship with a child in your

class.

10. The last time you felt totally loving toward a child in your class.

11. The last time you felt totally hateful toward .a child in your class.

12. The last time you were scared for a child in your class.

13. The thing you worry about the most in your teaching.

14. The thing you did in connection with a child in your class you

feel the most guilty about.

15. The activity you do with your class in which you feel the happiest.

16. The area of teaching in which you feel the most successful.

17. The time you were madder than you have ever been at a child in

your class.

18. Your most exciting experience with a child in your class.

19. The most fun you have ever had with class.

20. Your best skill in interacting with children.

21. Your most significant accomplishment as a teacher.

22. Your biggest disappointment as a teacher.

23. Your best moment as a teacher

24. Your worst fear as a teacher.

25. Your greatest challenge as a teacher.

26. The impact you would like to have on the children in your class.

27. The impact you would like your child to have on the world.

28. Your best teacher self.

29. Your evil teacher twin.

23

Crucial Cs Drawings/Sand Trays

Courage In what situations are you the most courageous?

In what situations are you the least courageous?

In what relationships are you the most courageous?

In what relationships are you the least courageous?

How do you feel when you are being your most courageous?

What are the factors that interfere with you being courageous?

What do you find scary? Threatening? Too risky to try?

When do you like taking chances?

How do you decide whether to take a risk?

What happens for you when you don=t succeed at something?

Connect

How do you connect with others?

How do you feel when you connect with others?

With whom are you most comfortable connecting?

What are situations in which you feel comfortable making connections?

What do you look for in potential friends?

What are some things that cause you to disconnect from others?

What happens when you disconnect from others?

How do you keep connection from happening with people with whom you don=t want to connect?

What kind of friend are you?

Capable

What do you do well?

How do you feel when you are successful at doing something?

What is your proudest accomplishment?

What things are you willing to do that you cannot master?

What do you like doing?

How can you tell whether you are good at doing something?

What do you tell yourself about yourself when you don=t master something?

Count

What do you contribute to your friends/family/community/work?

What do you feel you need to do to belong/fit in with a group?

If you were going to get an award for your contribution, what would it be for?

What makes you a valuable person?

What do you think you need to do to earn love?

What is your impact on others in your world?

What is your impact on the world?

24

Children Whose Goal of Misbehavior is Power

Children whose goal of misbehavior is power fear that others want to overpower them or that they will be out

of control. As a result, they may argue, contradict others, lie, be disrespectful, throw tantrums, defy authority

figures, and/or engage in power struggles. They may also be stubborn, disobedient, passive aggressive, and

avoidant. When adults interact with children exhibiting the goal of power, they feel angry, challenged, and/or

threatened. They feel invited to a power struggle. Children who goal is power escalate their misbehavior and

work harder to be in control or show that others cannot control them when they are corrected or disciplined.

Avoid getting into power struggles with your children.

Give limited choices to your children. For example, tell your 5 year old daughter that she can wear

either the red dress or the blue dress. Tell your 16 year old son that he can take the trash out or sweep

the kitchen floor.

When your children are talking back to you, stay calm, avoid getting into a verbal battle with them.

(Press your own pause button, stop and think about what how you want to respond.)

Focus on solutions, rather than punishment.

Look for areas of agreement and use encouragement to promote common ground.

Set age appropriate limits for your children. Be willing to say “no” to your child in a respectful way.

Be clear about what your family rules and expectations are, communicate them to the children, and

follow through with them.

Have routine times for going to bed, doing their homework, eating meals, and so forth.

Let your children experience natural consequences—like, if they want to wear shorts to school in

winter, they will be cold.

Try setting logical consequences that are respectful, reasonable, and related to the misbehavior. For

example, if your children do not pick up a mess they made in the living room, you would say, “If you

choose not to pick up the toys today, I will put them up on a high shelf until tomorrow.” With a

teenager, you might say, “If you choose to stay on the computer past your time limit, you choose not

to get to be on the computer tomorrow.”

Practice sharing power with your children. Give them age-appropriate power and responsibility. For

example, school aged children should be allowed to choose their clothes to wear to school or the book

they read before bed. With preadolescents, they should get to decide in which activities they are going

to participate.

Activities you can do with your child whose goal of misbehavior is power:

Play cooperative board games with your children. (For example, Skunk, Stone Soup, Count Your

Chickens.)

Get your children involved in setting up chores and routines using a job chart or routine chart.

Have tea party with your children.

Play Simon Says; Red Light, Green Light; Mother May I? with your children.

Do puzzles or shared art activities with the whole family.

25

Children’s Books for Children Whose Goal of Misbehavior is Power

Recess Queen by Alexis O'Neill and Laura Huliska-Beith

One by Kathryn Otoshi

Millie Fierce by Jane Manning

The Chocolate-Covered-Cookie Tantrum by Deborah Blumenthal

Spinky Sulks by William Steig

Tyrone the Horrible by Hans Wilhelm

Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

The Bootisie Barker Bites by Barbara Bottner

Greedy Python by Eric Carl

Resources for Parents and/or Guardians to Help Deal with Children Whose Goal

of Misbehavior is Power:

No: Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It (Walsh, 2007)

Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: 52 Cards to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Nelson & Garsia, 2011)**

No-Drama Discipline (Siegel & Bryson, 2014)

The Pocket Coach for Parents (Feigel, 2007)

www.parentingmojo.com

**also available as an app

http://www.parentingmojo.com/

26

Children Whose Goal of Misbehavior is Revenge

Children whose goal of misbehavior is revenge perceive they have been hurt by others

and feel a need to protect themselves by pushing other people away from them. They

believe that the way people relate to one another is by being hurtful or aggressive, so

that is the way they interact with others. Their behavior can be malicious, violent,

threatening and/or hurtful. They may also be withdrawn, moody, or distrustful. They

often have a history of stealing, lying, bedwetting, and/or physical aggression. When adults interact with

children with this goal, they feel hurt. Sometimes adults want to withdraw or they may want to get even with

the children. Children who goal is revenge become more hurtful and their need to hurt others and/or protect

themselves intensifies when they are corrected or disciplined.

Don’t take these children’s behavior personally. Their need to hurt others is not about you.

Practice empathic listening—listen without interrupt and judgment.

Affirm children even when they are misbehaving by giving them feedback that, while you do not like

their behavior, you love and value them as people. For example, you could say, “I don’t like what you

said to me, and I love you.”

Spend 10 minutes with your children doing activities they choose every day.

Avoid punishments that can be perceived as hurtful or you getting back at them.

Watch out when you set up consequences that your tone of voice is calm, even, and controlled.

Apologize when you have done something wrong.

Activities you can do with your child whose goal of misbehavior is revenge:

Act like mirrors, taking turns with one of you leading and the other copying the movements of the

leader.

Rub lotion on one another’s hands while making eye contact and smiling at one another.

Sprinkle powder on one another’s hands and trace and count the lines on the palm.

Paint one another’s nails.

Tell a shared story, alternating words, sentences, and/or parts of the story.

Make an affirmation box or jar, with pieces of paper listing ways they do count.

Watch television shows together that model positive relationships.

Tell children stories in which they are the hero or positive role model.

Teach self-soothing techniques like taking deep breaths, blowing bubbles, rocking, stretching, making

horse lips, etc.

Read children books from the list of books designed to deal with children whose goal is revenge. (See

the list on the back.)

27

Children’s Books for Children Whose Goal of Misbehavior is Revenge

Revenge by Chaim Gold

The Grouches by Debbie Wagenbach

Greta’s Revenge by Steven J. Simmons

Horrid Henry’s Revenge by Francesca Simon

Blossom’s Revenge: The Cats of Cuckoo Square by Adele Geras

Bootisie Barker Bites by Barbara Bottner

Llama Llama Time to Share by Anna Dewdney

Stand in My Shoes by Bob Sornson

Resources for Parents and/or Guardians to Help Deal with Children Whose Goal

of Misbehavior is Revenge:

Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: 52 Cards to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Nelson & Garsia, 2011)**

No-Drama Discipline (Siegel & Bryson, 2014)

The Pocket Coach for Parents (Feigel, 2007)

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind (Siegel &

Bryson, 2012)

Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Sticker Charts and

Removing Privileges All Don’t Work (Schafer, 2009)

Ain’t Misbehaving: Tactics for Tantrums, Meltdowns, Bedtime, Blues, and Other Perfectly Normal Kid

Behavior (Schafer, 2011)

Parenting from the Inside Out (Siegel & Hartzell, 2013)

www.cornerstonesforparents.com

www.parentingmojo.com

**also have an app

http://www.cornerstonesforparents.com/

http://www.parentingmojo.com/

28

Children Who Are Very Discouraged

Children who are very discouraged feel inadequate and believe they cannot do anything right. They have

given up trying because they feel defeated. They are afraid of being judged as incapable. They lack self-

confidence and a sense of self-efficacy. As a result of feeling so discouraged, they might isolate themselves,

they might slack off at school, they might refuse to engage in friendships or community activities, and/or they

might have issues with food or sleep.

Send your children the message that it is okay to make mistakes, to not always be "right" all the time,

by acknowledging when you make a mistake.

Encourage, encourage, encourage.

Avoid evaluative words (e.g., good, well, excellent, bad, etc.)

Describe contributions or positive actions your children make.

Notice small improvements and celebrate them with your children.

Verbalize your faith in your children. For example, say things like, “I like the way you handled that.” “I

know you can do it.”

Even if your children don’t acknowledge positive contributions or accomplishments, you can plant a

seed by saying things like, “I hope you feel proud of getting such good feedback from your teacher.”

“Many kids would be really excited about finishing that puzzle.” Be careful not to

imply that they should feel that way.

Listen to your children, making eye contact and summarizing what they have said

to you. Avoid lecturing or interrupting them.

If your children are resistant to compliments or positive feedback, don’t take it

personally.

Recognize that your children are feeling discouraged, not being lazy or uncooperative.

Encourage interaction with the family and limit their opportunities to isolate.

Activities you can do with children who are very discouraged:

Get coloring books and color with your children.

Listen to music together—some music of your choice and some of theirs.

Play with Anti-Coloring Books.

Go on walks or sit outside with your children.

Play I-Spy as a family. Teach self-soothing techniques like taking deep breaths, blowing bubbles, rocking, stretching, making

horse lips, etc.

Tell children stories in which they are the hero or positive role model.


Blow bubbles, play in the sand, pour water from one container to another, play with shaving cream in

the bath tub, make “potions.”

Read children books from the list of books designed to help encourage them. (See the list on the back.)

29

Books for Children Who Are Very Discouraged

Pete the Cat and the Magic Sunglasses by Eric Litwin and James Dean

Pout-Pout Fish Goes to School by Deborah Diesen

Shy Charles by Rosemary Wells

The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig

Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen

The Boy Who Didn’t Want To Be Sad by Rob Goldblatt

Blueloon by Julia Cook

Resources for Parents of Very Discouraged Children

Encouraging Words for Kids: What to Say to Bring Out a Child’s Confidence (Bartlett, 2012)

Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids (McCloud, 2006)

Depression and Your Child: A Guide for Parents and Caregivers (Serani, 2015)

A Teaspoon of Courage: The Little Book of Encouragement (Greive, 2006)

Lunch Box Letters: Writing Notes of Love and Encouragement to Your Children (Sperando & Zimmerman,

2007)

I Love You Rituals (Bailey, 2000)

The Five Love Languages of Children (Chapman, 2012)

Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Sticker Charts and

Removing Privileges All Don’t Work (Schafer, 2009)

Ain’t Misbehaving: Tactics for Tantrums, Meltdowns, Bedtime, Blues, and Other Perfectly Normal Kid

Behavior (Schafer, 2011)

http://www.amazon.com/Eric-Litwin/e/B004ANPHG0/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1425573039&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/James-Dean/e/B007N74A4U/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1425573039&sr=1-1

30

Drawing a Sensory Image/Doing a Sand Tray State of mind, body and energy: Make a drawing or sand tray that represents “me in this moment.” Draw a truthful

reflection of your experience. Could just be a color or shape, to give external expression to your internal experience.

Here’s my sense of self. My sensory experience—what I feel energy-wise, body-wise, in my nervous system, and in my

mind.

Title: Now give your image a title—what is the title of your state in this moment?

Imagine support: Whether it’s a pleasurable experience or not, imagine support—beings that could be with you, just as

you are… whatever pain or pleasure you are feeling. Try on support: this is me in this moment, no more, no less. This

support can come from within you, from your own heart, or it can be external supports, a close friend, a family member,

a pet, an energy from spirit…Just feel what it’s like to have whatever experience we are having.

Absorb this support: As you’ve invited support in, taken it in, received it, feel what it’s like to have touched in or

whatever you’ve taken in, absorb it in.

Forming need: Ask if there is any need that this state of being has, any need that is present now? Ask into the title; is

there a need here? One of the needs may have been just to have support… see if there’s anything my body, my mind-

state needs right now? You’re invited to write down, “My need is… “ If it’s a pleasurable state or even if it’s an

uncomfortable state, trust that it has wisdom. Discomfort has tremendous wisdom toward guidance. It can bring us

towards balance.

Bring your attention to your heart center: To the sacred temple behind your breastbone, and

imagine that you could place this need here. You might hear that mantra as an echo from your

heart, as an expression of your heart. So in this moment, you are allowing need to be a sacred

experience and honor it.

Imagine your need being satisfied: Imagine that your need could be satisfied in this moment: I

need love, I need acceptance, I need space, imagine that manifesting for you now, in this moment,

imagine being gifted whatever it is that you’re needing. As an energy, as a feeling. If you’re more visual, you could see it.

Maybe it’s in the form of a person… maybe you see yourself atop a mountain, having a vast you. In this moment allowing

whatever it is you sensed or needed to be given or gifted to you. This need has been satisfied and let that energy be

absorbed through your nervous system and into the bones, into the blood, into the molecular structure of your body.

Let your breath give room and space to ventilate and give life to the feeling. Share: Gradually complete this journey and

allow your eyes to be open. Take a moment with a person next to you to share what your journey has been like: what it

was like to draw on support, what your title was, what you heard you needed.

From Dan Leven—notes from SomaSoul workshop, Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health

31

Encouraging Children to Connect Children who struggle with connecting may have difficult making and keeping friends. They may report that

others do not like them or that they are being teased. They often have difficulty understanding other people’s

feelings. These children may lie, steal, or exhibit disrespectful or uncooperative behavior. Parents and

teachers often feel as though it is difficult to build a relationship with the child. Children who can connect

believe they belong, and they can reach out and make friends and relationships with others. They are

cooperative and secure.

Three times a week spend 10 minutes with each of your children doing activities they choose.

Look for things your children do well, and point them out to your children.

Eat at least one meal a day together as a family and guide a pleasant conversation that includes the

whole family. For example, ask each member to talk about something interesting or happy that

happened that day or tell about something they learned that day.

Cook meals together as a family.

Limit conversations about topics they are obsessed with. For example, you can say, “You can talk

about Minecraft 5 minutes and then we are going to talk about something else.”

Use imaginative or pretend play with your kids—not video games.

Be curious about your children’s day—ask about how their day has been.

Use open ended positive questions like “What did you do that was fun at school today?” rather than

focusing on difficulties or struggles.

Model appropriate social interactions. For example, make eye contact with people; say “Hello;” wave

to friends in public places; say please, thank you, and you’re welcome.

Invite your children’s friend over for a “play date” and supervise the play. Encourage sharing, taking

turns, peaceful resolving of conflict, etc.

Activities you can do with your child to help build connect:

Play board games like Sorry, Trouble, Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, etc.

Feed each other small foods like Cheerios, M & Ms. While you are doing this, make eye contact and

smile.

Play games like Mother May I? and Simon Says.

Act like mirrors, taking turns with one of you leading and the other copying the movements of the

leader.

Rub lotion on one another’s hands while making eye contact and smiling at one another.

Sprinkle powder on one another’s hands and trace and count the lines on the palm.

Paint one another’s nails.

Tell a shared story, alternating words, sentences, and/or parts of the story.

Draw shared pictures, taking turns adding details to the drawing.

Play “I Spy”

Read children books from the list of books designed to build courage. (See the list on the back.)

32

Books that Explore Connecting

Don’t Need Friends by Carolyn Crimi

Recess Queen by Alexis O'Neill and Laura Huliska-Beith

Zero by Kathryn Otoshi Me First by Helen Lester

Scaredy Squirrel Makes a Friend by Melanie Watt

Dragon’s Fat Cat by Dav Pilkey

A Weekend with Wendell by Kevin Henkes

Katie’s Babbling Brother by H.J. Hutchins & Ruth Ohi

Mordant’s Wish by Valerie Coursen

A Bug and a Wish by Karen Scheuer

Hygiene… You Stink by Julia Cook

Spaghetti in A Hot Dog Bun: Having the Courage to Be Who You Are by Maria Dismondy

Cap It Off with a Smile: A Guide for Making Keeping Friends by Robin Inwald

Bootisie Barker Bites by Barbara Bottner

Chester’s Way by Kevin Henkes

Two by Kathryn Otoshi Invisible String by Patrice Karst

Hug Machine by Scott Campbell How to Lose All Your Friends by Nancy Carlson

Resources for Parents or Guardians who Want to Help Kids with Social Connections:

Social Rules for Kids: The Top 100 Social Rules Kids Need to Succeed (Diamond, 2011)

The New Social Story Book (Gray & Atwood, 2010)

How to Make & Keep Friends: Tips for Kids to Overcome 50 Common Social Challenges (Briggs & Shea, 2011)

Ideas adapted from Crucial Cs, which were developed by Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner

http://www.amazon.com/Maria-Dismondy/e/B0045WKZ5Y/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1

33

Encouraging Your Children to Feel Capable

Children who do not feel capable frequently feel inadequate and try to get others to do things for them. Quite

often, they put themselves down and focus on what they can’t do. They often avoid doing their school work

and/or their chores. When pushed to do things that are difficult for them, they may tantrum or get into power

struggles. As they begin to feel more capable, these children become more self-confident and self-reliant.

They start to take more responsibility for themselves and are more willing to try difficult tasks. They now

believe they can do whatever they set their minds to do.

Focus on what your children do well without conditions or reservations.

Avoid using the word “but” when you talk to your children. For instance, instead of saying, “Good job

on your test. A 95% is great, but why didn’t you get those other 5 points?” say, “Wow. You really

worked hard, and you had success.”

Convey belief in your children by showing up for their activities, saying things like, “You can do it.”

“I have confidence in you.” “I believe in you.”

Avoid doing things for your children that they can do for themselves.

Make sure your children have some successes by finding activities or experiences in which they feel

confident and competent.

Encourage your children to do things in which they will have a positive experience. If they like art,

make sure they get opportunities to do art; if they like dancing, encourage them to dance.

Show your kids you believe you are capable even when you make mistakes. For example, if you make

dinner and it doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, laugh, say, “Oops, messed that up.

Tomorrow’s dinner will be better.” Order pizza, and move on.

Help your children find areas of talent, interest, or skills by trying different activities with them at home

or in the community.

Encourage your children to try things that are hard for them in order to build their willingness to try

difficult things.

Have age-appropriate expectations for behaviors, chores, and life skills. (See other side for resources

on development.)

Allow your children to have their feelings. This will teach them they are capable of dealing with them.

Activities you can do with your child to help build capable:

Play balloon games like pitch and catch, keeping the balloon in the air, holding the balloon between

your bodies.

Cut out shapes, paper dolls, etc.

Put positive notes in their lunch or under their pillow at night.

Do a gratitude journal with your children before they go to bed.

Have your children do kind or helpful things for someone in the family or the neighborhood.

Make a jar filled with positive statements about your children and have them draw one out when they

are filling sad or discouraged.

Cook together.

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Books That Help Children Feel Capable

Sky Color by Peter Reynolds

Pout-Pout Fish Goes to School by Deborah Diesen

There’s an Alligator Under My Bed by Mercer Mayer

I Want Your Moo by Marcella Bakur Weiner

Cosmo Zooms by Arthur Howard

The Little Engine that Could by Watty Piper

Mister D: A Children’s Picture Book about Overcoming Doubts and

Fears by Elizabeth Stevins

Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires

Incredible You! By Wayne Dyer

If I Could Keep You Little by Marianne Richmond How to

Catch a Star by Oliver Jeffers

Resources for Parents and/or Guardians on Child Development:

https://store.extension.iastate.edu/Topic/Home-and-Family/Child-Care-Development

Developmental Milestones of Young Children (Petty, 2009)

Ages and Stages: A Parent’s Guide to Normal Childhood Development (Schaefer & DiGeronimo, 2000)

Ages and Stages: Developmental Descriptions and Activities, Birth Through Eight Years (Miller, 2001)

Ideas adapted from Crucial Cs, which were developed by Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner.

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Encouraging Children to Believe They Count

Children who do not believe they count do not feel valued unconditionally. In order to help themselves feel as

though they are important, they might withdraw, they might bully others, they might be defiant, they might

be demanding. These children might even act as if they think they are better than other people (even though

they don’t believe they are). Some children who struggle with count might only believe they are valued if they

meet certain conditions--like they only count if they get As, they only count if they are the best at baseball,

they only count if they are putting others’ needs before their own, they only count if they are perfect. As they

begin to believe they count (and without conditions), they feel more valued by others and feel better about

themselves. Children who believe they count begin to believe they can make a difference--they believe they

matter. They have faith in themselves. They are more willing to cooperate and contribute to the family.

Interact with your children without distractions. (Turn off your cell phones and other electronic devices

so that your children know they are the most important thing to you at that moment.)

Listen to your children, making eye contact and summarizing what they have said to you. Avoid

lecturing or interrupting them.

Give hugs! Make a rule in your family that no one can lose hugs, no matter what they do.

Read to your children. Find books that will interest them.

Eat at least one meal a day with your children.

Be excited about your children. Delight them. Light up when you see them.

Tell your children you love them.

Say thank you to your children when they make a contribution or cooperate.

Spend positive time as a family without electronics.

Ask your children for potential solutions and be respectful about their ideas.

Use your children’s love language when you communicate with them. (See back for resources.)

Activities you can do with your child to help build count:

Have a family night—watch a movie, play board games, go to the park, etc.

Go on litter walks, picking up trash in your neighborhood.

Make a mural together as a family, with everyone contributing.


Assign age-appropriate chores and other responsibilities and express gratitude for their

contribution.

Volunteer as a family at places like soup kitchens, community theaters, humane societies, etc.

Grow a plant or cultivate a garden with your children.

Talk to your children about what your spiritual beliefs are.

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Books that explore the Crucial C of Count

Zero by Kathryn Otoshi

I Like Me by Nancy Carlson

Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes

The Way Mothers Are by Miriam Schlein

Would They Love a Lion by Kady MacDonald Denton

Unique Monique by Maria Rousaki

Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes

Only One You by Linda Kranz

On the Day You Were Born by Debra Frasier

Wherever You Are: My Love Will find You by Nancy Tillman

The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig Red: A Crayon Story by Michael Hall

Love You Forever by Robert Munsch Invisible String by Patrice Karst

You Are Special by Max Lucado

I Believe in You by Marianne Richmond

I Have a Little Problem Said the Bear by Heinz Janisch and Silke Leffler

Resources for Parents and/or Guardians for Helping Children with Count:

I Love You Rituals (Bailey, 2000)

The Five Love Languages of Children (Chapman, 2012)

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers (Chapman, 2010)

Ideas adapted from Crucial Cs, which were developed by Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner

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Encouraging Children to Have Courage

Children who do not have courage do not take risks and tend to give up without trying. They frequently avoid

challenges. As children develop courage, they are more willing to try new things. They begin to believe they

can succeed, and they feel hopeful. Children with courage believe they can handle difficult situations and

changes. And you can help foster courage in your children.

Show your kids that it is okay to make mistakes. For example, if you drop a glass, you just calmly

say, “Darn it” and clean it up. No fuss, no muss—it is okay to make mistakes!

Point out their strengths. For instance, if your child enjoys dancing, tell her, “Look how much fun

you have dancing.” If your child makes his bed, you might say, “Thanks for making your bed.”

Highlight effort. For example, you could say, “You are working really hard at that.”

Stress improvement. For instance, if yesterday your son struggled with riding his bike and today

was able to balance and peddle for half a block, you could say, “You stayed up…and yesterday you

thought you couldn’t do that.”

Highlight when your children are willing to take risks. For example, if yesterday, your son refused to

go to school and today he went without any fuss, you could say, “Wow! You went to school

willingly.”

Even if your children are avoiding new experiences and places, encourage them to try. If necessary,

you can go with them to give support.

Ask your children about things that interest them and listen to them.

Three times a week spend 10 minutes with each of your children doing activities they choose.

Avoid doing things for your children that they can do for themselves. For instance, if they know

how to dress themselves, let them, even if it takes longer than you like. Allow extra time if needed.

Activities you can do with your child to help build courage:

Roll a ball back and forth on the floor or on a table.

Stack blocks and knock them down.

Arranged dominos in patterns, knock them down.

Make shapes with shaving cream.

String beads on yarn.

Play in the sand. Rake it, shift it, put it in containers and pour it into other containers.

Play with watercolors or finger paints.

Play with PlayDoh.

Make sock puppets or paper bag puppets.

Make paper airplanes and fly them.

Teach self-soothing techniques like taking deep breaths, blowing bubbles, rocking, stretching,

making horse lips, etc.

Read children books from the list of books designed to build courage. (See the list on the back.)

38

Books for Helping Children Become More Courageous

Beautiful Oops by Barney Saltzberg

You’ve Got Dragons by Kathryn Cave & Nick Maland

One by Kathryn Otoshi

Pout-Pout Fish and the Big Big Dark by Deborah Diesen

Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns About Courage by Howard Binkow, Reverend Ana and Jeremy Norton

Courage by Bernard Waber

Go Away, Big Green Monster by Ed Emberley

Noel the Coward by Robert Kraus

Scaredy Squirrel by Melanie Watt

Bravery Soup by Maryann Cocca-Leffler

The Worrywarts by Pamela Duncan Edwards

There’s an Alligator Under My Bed by Mercer Mayer

Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes

Wilma Jean and the Worry Machine by Julia Cook and Anita

DuFalla

Sheila Rae, the Brave by Kevin Henkes

Ideas adapted from Crucial Cs, which were developed by Amy Lew and Betty Lou

39

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These books are all available from my friends at The Self-Esteem Shop, 4607 North Woodward,

Royal Oak, MI 48073 (800) 251-8336 www.selfesteemshop.com.

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