ACADEMIC ENGLISH IIIDecember 5th 2012

Today• Continue: Wordiness

Causes of Wordiness

W = wordy C = concise

Use of vague words which need explanation instead of precise words.

W: She talked to him in a loud angry voice.

C: She yelled at him.

W: The crime wave had some bad results that cost people a lot of money.

C: The crime wave had some costly results.

Causes of Wordiness

Use of long expressions instead of individual words

W: to come to the conclusion that

C: to decide

W: to put forward the idea that

C: to suggest

Causes of Wordiness

Under-use of listing

W: She went to the store and bought a loaf of bread. She also picked up some milk. She also got a newspaper.

C: She bought a loaf of bread, some milk and a newspaper at the store.

W: In the experiment, he poured water in a beaker. Then he boiled the water for 5 minutes. Then he measured the water that was left.

C: In the experiment, he poured water in a beaker, boiled the water for 5 minutes, and measured the water that was left.

Causes of Wordiness

Over-use of “it” and “there” as meaningless subjects

W: It was exciting to go to the New Year celebrations.

C: The New Year celebrations were exciting.

W: There were thirty-four people in the room who were waiting for the mayor.

C: Thirty-four people in the room were waiting for the mayor.

Causes of Wordiness

Over-use of passive verbs

W: The criminal was caught by the police, and later the

criminal was convicted by the courts.

C: The police caught the criminal and the court convicted him.

passive

passive

active active

Causes of WordinessOver-use of clauses

W: After she had baked the bread, she cleaned up the kitchen.

C: After baking the bread, she cleaned up the kitchen.

W: McKenzie, who was the first person to cross Canada by land, ended his trip in Bella Coola, B.C.

C: McKenzie, the first person to cross Canada by land, ended his trip in Bella Coola, B.C.

W: The girl who was talented gave a concert.

C: The talented girl gave a concert.

clause

phrase

clause

phrase

clause

word

Side note: Clause vs. Phrase

A clause = a group of related words that has both a subject and a verb (similar to a sentence).

Independent clause: Presents a complete idea and can stand alone as a sentence.

i.e., We will go to the cinema.

Dependent clause: not a complete idea (only part of a sentence; it depends on the rest of the sentence).

i.e., After Ralph finishes work, we will go to the cinema.

Side note: Clause vs. PhrasePhrase = a group of words that lacks either a subject or a matching verb or both.

Can never be a complete sentence.

i.e.,

Prepositional phrase: On the football field,

Adjective phrase: Alert and focused,

Noun phrase: the dog on the sofa

Adverb phrase: quickly and efficiently

PracticeCanada in Space

Canada does not send space shuttles and rockets into space, so for that reason people tend to forget that Canada has made very significant contributions to space exploration. Because of its large size, Canada has specialized in satellite communications technology. In 1962, Canada became the third country in the world to have a satellite in orbit when it launched Alouette 1 in the early sixties. The Alouette 1 satellite was followed in 1972 by the Anik A-1 satellite which provided coast-to-coast across Canada telephone services. Furthermore, Canada has developed important tools for operating in space like the Canadarm. It was developed first in 1981. The Canadarm is a mechanical robotic arm used by astronauts on the American space shuttle. Canada has also provided the space industry with people to go into space. The first Canadian astronaut was Marc Garneau, who was an astronaut who did research on the space shuttle. A more recent Canadian astronaut is Julie Payette who went into space on the space shuttle in June of 1999. These contributions to the world of the space industry are important ones and should not be forgotten. (187 words)

Canada does not send space shuttles and rockets into space, so for that reason people tend to forget that Canada has made very significant contributions to space exploration.

Canada does not launch spacecraft, so people often forget Canada has made significant contributions…

Because of its size, Canada has specialized in satellite communications technology.

In 1962, Canada became the third country in the world to have a satellite in orbit when it launched Alouette 1 in the early sixties.

In 1962, Canada became the third country to have a satellite in orbit when it launched …DELETE: early sixties.

The Alouette 1 satellite was followed in 1972 by the Anik A-1 satellite which provided coast-to-coast across Canada telephone services.

Anik-A1 followed Alouette 1 in 1972 providing coast-to-coast telephone services.

Furthermore, Canada has developed important tools for operating in space like the Canadarm, developed in 1981.

It was developed first in 1981.

The Canadarm is a robotic arm used by astronauts on the space shuttle.

Canada has also provided the space industry with astronauts.

The first Canadian astronaut, Marc Garneau, did research on the space shuttle.

A more recent Canadian astronaut, Julie Payette, went on the space shuttle in June, 1999.

These contributions to the space industry are important and should not be forgotten.

Paragraph revised

Canada does not launch spacecraft, so people often forget Canada has made significant contributions to space exploration. Because of its size, Canada has specialized in satellite communications technology. In 1962, Canada became the third country to have a satellite in orbit when it launched Alouette 1. Anik-A1 followed Alouette 1 in 1972 providing coast-to-coast telephone services. Furthermore, Canada has developed important tools for operating in space like the Canadarm, developed in 1981. The Canadarm is a robotic arm used by astronauts on the space shuttle. Canada has also provided the space industry with astronauts. The first Canadian astronaut, Marc Garneau, did research on the space shuttle. A more recent Canadian astronaut, Julie Payette, went on the space shuttle in June, 1999. These contributions to the space industry are important and should not be forgotten. (134 words)

Beyond 5 paragraphs- At first, this can seem a bit confusing.

- 5-paragraphs have been part of most of your essays so far.

- However, this style is limited in the amount of information you can convey in the essay.

Beyond 5 paragraphs- What is more important:

- Building the structure of your essay around your ideas.

To do this requires a clear understanding of what the essay is.

Beyond 5 paragraphs

An essay is a written defense of a position (a thesis) on a topic.

Topic: It is important to sufficiently narrow down the topic so it is defensible.

- The length of the body will depend on how much information is needed to adequately defend your position.

Beyond 5 paragraphs

Essay structure may look like this, overall:

1. Intro

2. Major section

3. Major section

4. Major section

6. Conclusion

- Each major section will consist of paragraphs (maybe one, maybe two, three, …).

Beyond 5 paragraphsThesis: “University students cannot afford any further tuition hikes.’

1. Situation now

A. Income

i. parents ii. jobs

iii. loans iv. other

B. Expenses

i. food ii. rent

iii. tuition iv. Other

2. Cause –– Tuition Increase

A. Why it is thought to be needed

B. How much it will be for each student

3. Effect of Proposed Increase on Students

A. Income of students will remain same but expenses will go up B. Students will not be able to afford university

4. Suggested solution (conclusion).

Summary Assignment 4

OPTIONAL assignment:

- Write an abstract for Paper 4.

- Look at “Abstract” reading on the website (Homework section).

- Submit with your final submission for Paper 4.