THE ABERTAYRIAN49 The Newsletter of the Rotary Club of Abertay

Broughty Ferry’s Rotary Club District 1010 Best Club Magazine 2005 and 2007

3rd March 2008

New Member

Leora Douthwaite

Leora Douthwaite 1 Lime Grove Broughty Ferry Dundee DD5 3GT Retired Hotelier Proposer: Robin Cuthbert

Email: leora4@btinternet.com

Leora trained as and became a State Registered Sick Childrens nurse at the Sick Childrens Hospital in Edinburgh. She then trained as an Occupational Therapist also in Edinburgh and worked for the next few years in Psychiatric Day units. She then went to worked for 6 years for the Edinburgh Cripple Aid Society retraining people who had a disability.

In the early 70's she moved to Dunfermline Social Work Dept. as the a community O.T. and left a few years later to have her son During this period both Leora and her husband were totally involved with archery and set up the Scottish Field Archery Association with the help of two others in 1965. Later they, along with the American Association, were instrumental in the formation of the International Field Archery Association. In Field Archery .Leora won the Scottish Championships 6 times , the European Championship twice and the World Championship 3 times Leora and her husband then moved to Arbroath and had a newsagents shop there for 13 years but sold it due to her husband’s bad health. Leora then returned to community O.T. and worked in Dundee for a number of years until retiring. Leora’s hobbies are curling with Letham Grange Club , painting and looking after a dog, cat and koy carp.

President David and Senior Vice President Ron with Jacqui Woods when she spoke to

the club on 7th January 2008 on the new Ninewells Cancer Campaign

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby , or Football, or golf, or Sex . 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Three Wishes A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!' The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.' Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please continue. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Four in a Bar sing Sweet Adeline to Sweet Anne Ramsay at their recent visit to the Club

Club News Council for 2008/2009 is as follows:-

President : Ron Learmonth

Senior Vice President and Ways and Means Convenor : John Smith

Junior Vice President and Community Service Convenor : Catherine MacPherson

Secretary : John McEwen

Treasurer : Iain McBride

Vocational Service Convenor : Stuart McCulloch

Membership : Immediate Past President David Logan

PR and Communication : Euan Williamson Foundation and International : Nigel Brown

Fun and Fellowship : Anne Ramsay Abertayrian : Adrian Stewart

Attendance Figures If you are participating in a committee meeting or on Rotary business, you are entitled to an attendance but you must tell Walter. If you are to be away on business or holiday etc for a few weeks please formalise by requesting a leave of absence through Walter. Attendances for January 7th - 83.3% 14th - 73.5% 21st - 66.7% 28th - 77.8% February 4th - 83.3% 11th - 73.0% 18th - 59.5% 25th - 81.1% With regard to Attendances, to make-up, this can be two weeks either side. Generally speaking I have been told when people are off on holiday, for two weeks or three weeks (somebody was away on holiday for 3 weeks but nobody told me!). I mark up details in my Book and if somebody is asking where a member is, then I can tell them. Verbal to me, is fine.There does not appear to be any other requirement. If a member is absent for some time, I advise the President. Anyone wanting leave of absence should also advise the Club Secretary John McEwen.

New Address Walter Craig, Attendance Officer Rev Canon Robert Breaden St Columba’s Rectory Somerled Square Portree Skye IV51 9EH T: (01478)613135 E: ateallach@aol.com Email Address Amendment Andrew Nicoll andrew@nicoll97.plus.net

Careful around old people A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture

about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again ...he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate coating around them.'

Giving up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food. I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless woman was shocked.

'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a

woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true!

She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,

The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind;

I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves

My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'

My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her

And send her back to me.

The Plant Sale

Saturday 24 May 2008 This will take place as usual in St Aidan's Hall, St Vincent Street, Brook Street, Broughty Ferry. It is (as often) a local holiday, but St Aidan's is not available the week after, and Alison and I will be away the weekend after that (unless you want to do it without us...) It is always a great time for fellowship, as mentioned at a recent meeting, and most members of the Club take part in some way or another, providing plants, well grown cuttings, trays of well established annuals, self sown hebe (a nice shrub that people have in their gardens, and seeds itself conveniently for Plant Sales) and the like, herbaceous plants that have been split, shrubs that have been dug up in good time (by which I mean a couple of months if possible) and repotted. Can I humbly suggest to non-experts that plants really like both soil and water, as it does help them to stay alive at least until the middle of June?

Other members and their partners come along on the day and help to sell, sell, sell, and I will arrange for the caravan as usual. Um, do I have the sandwich board? I will check. A volunteer, please, to assemble and put up a few signs on lampposts at the beginning of the week. Will someone assist at the start of The Plant Week in putting an ad in the Courier, and telling Radio Tay, and anywhere else that they can think of? This advance notice is intended to remind you (or the gardener in the family if not you) to put on the gardening gloves in the next couple of weeks (the weather is getting better, honest) and star providing the wherewithal, so that we can try to achieve about £1000 again. Donald Growon

Saturday 24 May 2008

St Aidan’s Hall

President David with Andrew Gray who spoke of his experience in Shanghai where he won an Olympic Gold Medal in the Para Olympics accompanied by his father former Abertay Rotarian Norman Gray who is now a member of Dundee

Retirement Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Ft Myers, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, " Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please" They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is

more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same." Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired teachers. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

JVP Ron and President David with Jacqui Woods when she spoke to the Club in January on the new Ninewells Cancer Campaign which struck a note with everybody present.

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen

table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was Suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula............. 'Hands off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN? I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.

The Different Sexes I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. "I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

The sharing of marriage... The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy

another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered : “THE TEETH”

SECRETARIAL

SCRIBBLES Not surprisingly, Rotary club secretaries get a fair amount of bumf, some of which deserves a mention between coffee and speaker – like the recent announcement that Monifieth, our daughter club, will hold their 25th charter anniversary dinner at the Woodlands on Friday 9 May, 7 for 7.30 pm. A board will also be going round at mealtimes. Payment of £30 per person should accompany your registration – deadline end of March, please. But many items never get any further than my in-tray. So far in this secretarial session that’s where most of the flurry of mailings from RIBI have rested - and maybe some of you think that’s where they should stay until they go out for recycling – but just in case you’re interested, here’s a brief distillation of the kind of information which has appeared so far this year. February 2008: Rotarians were again invited to the RIBI conference in Blackpool which will take place on Saturday 12th April. This is where the new Chief Executive Officer of RIBI, Annemarie Harte, will be on show and where she will take over the administrative reins from the retiring erstwhile RIBI secretary, Robin Freeman – and Blackpool will also be the venue where proposed changes in club structure will be debated (the “RI Club Leadership Plan”). This mailing also enclosed a message from RIBI International Chairman on issues related to World Understanding Month and World Water Day (23 March); a thank you message from Mercy Ships telling us that clubs RIBI have raised a million pounds since 2005; an appeal from The Institute For Cancer Research; details of a forthcoming Rotary Internations Golf Tournament in St Andrews; and encouragement to become involved in Rotary Young Citizen awards. October 2007: This mailing contained voting delegate forms for Blackpool; a new Rotary insurance booklet; details of club awards which can be given for Community and Vocational Service; and a tranche of Rotary-sponsored funding requests (Royal National Institute for the Blind, Prostate Cancer, Barnardo’s, Africa Hope and Homes for Children, and the Bill Huntley World Peace Endowment). September 2007: This provided advance publicity for RIBI Blackpool; new RIBI Club Constitutions and Standing Orders, details of ways in which Rotarians can participate in

Voluntary Service Overseas; information about the Usborne Illustrated Dictionary which clubs are encouraged to distribute to schools; and the Adopt-a-Minefield scheme to help clear countryside of mines left over from the Kosovo etc fighting. July 2007: This provided suggestions for clubs to recognise Rotarians who work on valuable projects which deserve wider publicity; details of Rotary International’s efforts to promote worldwide literacy; encouragement to apply for Environmental awards; and encouragement to become involved in Rotary’s “Excitement of Science” scheme.

Information also appears from District 1010 – sometimes through the District Mailbox, sometimes by post. This encourages involvement in the wider aspects of Rotary, keeps us informed about District Council business; and provides dates of significant forthcoming events, such as the District Assembly (27 April in Glenrothes), District Conference (12-14 September in Aviemore) and Rotary International Conferences (20-24 June 2009 in Birmingham UK). If any of you would like further information about any of the above, please ask. From time to time in the future I’ll endeavour to provide similar reports on the RIBI and District mailings. Abertay Council has also created its own paperwork – one item which may be of interest is an attempt to help Council (especially upcoming SVPs and JVPs) by summarising some of the formal highlights of Abertay’s year on a single sheet of A4 paper. I’ll keep it updated in the secretarial ring binder. And finally, if you want a quick and simple way to organise a meeting without loads of to-ing and fro-ing of e-mails, have a look at www.doodle.ch John McEwen, Club Secretary

Fellowship Rota Please Note Major Changes. There will be more

while new members are integrated 3 March John Mee Stuart McCulloch Iain Glass

10 March Leora Douthwaite Jim Crowe Euan Williamson 17 March Ramsay Dinnie Sandra Richard Harry Brough 24 March Nigel Brown Stan Nutt Iain Glass 31 March Ken Anderson Leora Douthwaite David Stewart

7 April Holiday 14 April Iain Glass Donald Gordon Ken Anderson 21 April Jim Crowe Roger Edington Leora Douthwaite 28 April Euan Williamson Sandra Richard Stan Nutt 5 May Holiday 12 May Stanley Scouler Andrew Nicoll Leora Douthwaite 19 May Hendry Spiers David Goodfellow John Hunter 26 May Holiday 2 June Allan Henderson Steve Woodward Ken Peebles 9 June Leora Douthwaite Cath MacPherson Iain Glass 16 June John Picken Nigel Brown Anne Ramsay 23 June Steve Woodward Donald Gordon Ed Shepherd 30 June Eric Robinson Allan Henderson Leora Douthwaite

We do not stop playing because we grow old;

We grow old because we stop playing . NEVER Be The First To Get Old

Forthcoming Events

Monday 17 March Provisional Shadow Council Meeting Saturday 22 March PETS at Westpark Hall Perth Road Dundee Late March Fireside Chats Sunday 30 March PETS at Altens Hotel Aberdeen Monday 31 March Council Meeting at 7.30pm 11-13 April RIBI Conference at Blackpool Sunday 27 April District Assembly at Rothes Halls, Glenrothes Monday 28 April Council Meeting at 7.30pm 12 – 29 May Craft Interviews at Braehead Saturday 24 May Plant Sale at St Aidans Hall Broughty Ferry Monday 2 June Club Assembly Saturday 7 June Dundee Primary School Quiz Final Monday 30 June Hand Over Sunday 10 August Charity Golf at Barry 12 - 14 September District Conference at Aviemore Monday 13 October Visit of District Governor David Rankin Friday 28 November St Andrews Night Do at Woodlands Hotel Saturday 21 March 2009 Possible Dinner DanceDo you want to intimate an event in the Forthcoming Events calendar?

Please phone or email the Editor Tel 665 885 / aams@talk21.com with the detail

Forthcoming Speakers 3 March Anne Ramsay "Holiday in Vietnam"

Host & VOT David Goodfellow Fellowship John Mee Stuart McCulloch Iain Glass

10 March Ron Macgregor "Employer Support for the Armed Services "

Host & VOT Stephen Brand Fellowship Leora Douthwaite Jim Crowe Euan Williamson

17 March Mark Scoular YMCA Camp, Indiana

Host & VOT Ken Anderson Fellowship Sandra Richard Ramsay Dinnie Harry Brough

24 March Roger Edington Job Talk

Host & VOT Leora Douthwaite Fellowship Nigel Brown Stan Nutt Iain Glass

31 March Peter Carson “WRVS”

Host & VOT John Smith Fellowship Leora Douthwaite Ken Anderson David Stewart

7 April Holiday 14 April Provisional- Leora Douthwaite Job Talk

Host & VOT David Goodfellow Fellowship Donald Gordon Ken Anderson Iain Glass

21 April Margaret Arthur "Hearing Dogs for Deaf People"

Host & VOT David Stewart Fellowship Jim Crowe Roger Edington Leora Douthwaite

28 April Provisional - Business Meeting

Fellowship Euan Williamson Sandra Richard Stan Nutt 5 May Holiday 12 May Provisional - AGM

Fellowship Leora Douthwaite Stanley Scouler Andrew Nicoll 19 May TBA Host & VOT

Fellowship Hendry Spiers David Goodfellow John Hunter 26 May Holiday

Published by the Rotary Club of Abertay which meets on Mondays at 5.45 for 6.15pm at

Woodlands Hotel, Pamure Street, Broughty Ferry, Dundee Club Website www.abertayrotary.org.uk

District Website www.rotary1010.org