A satire on the Titanic Inquiry, article, 15 jun 1912

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June IS, 1912 THE LITEEAEY DIGEST 1255 distinguished library, but Mr. Widener seemed to be born to tbe purple: "He was a frequent attendant at the important auction sales where, for all his liberality as a collector, he would never let the excitement of the mom ent get the better of his judgment. When at the dispersal last year of the Robert Hoe Hbrary his family's bid for the Gutenberg Bible was out-soared by Mr. Huntington's bid of $50,000, the record price ever paid for any book, few in that large audience realized that the young man who quietly jotted down the price on the m argin of his catalog was him self the possessor of volumes not less famous, among which his magnificent first folio of Shakespeare may, in the course of time, become even more valuable than is the Gutenberg Bible to-day." A SATIRE ON THE " TITANIC " INQUIRY W HATEVER SATISFACTION such journals as Th e Saturday Review an d Outlook of London can take in Lord Mersey's investigation of the Titanic disaster is not shared by England's younger insurgent men of letters. Mr. Chesterton is particularly of this group, and has produced a masterpiece in satire, published in The Eye Witness (London), which is ostensibly an inquiry into the death of Hamlet's father. Forlinbras, the man upon whom the "succession" falls after the Horatio, Hamlet's friend and confidant, as the chief witness. The matter is tried before a royal commission on the English model. This satirical exploitation of Lord Mersey's court is the only way during the course of the inquiry that a public print could comme nt on the proceedings; but previous to the sitting of the court Mr. Chesterton, quoted in our Foreign Departmei^t, gave warning that the inquiry might result in "hushing things up ." Mr. Chesterton presents what he calls "a fragment of the testimony" pertaining to the Hamlet case, adding, by way of introductory paragraph: "The only account (which we print) may be a contempo rary skit, or a dramatized and distorted legend, or even (tho this seems absm-d) a true ac coun t o f a procedure once pos sible among men. The re seems to be no doubt tha t the frag ment begins in the middle of a speech by Hamlet." Then follows the transcript from the court records: HORATIO—"The appearance, purporting to be the late Eang Hamlet, proceeded to deny the story generally given of his death in the orchard, as de scribed in the Danish press at the time. He said that no serpent stung him, and added that the serpent who stung him " FoBTiNBRAS (sharply)— "What's that?" HORATIO—"Now wore his crown, or words to that effect." FoKTiNBRAS— '' Really, you are a most confusing Avitness. not sting him; then you say the creature did sting him, and moreover contrived in some way to wear his crown. I am not a naturalist. [Laughter.] What sort of a serpent was it? " THACKEBAY'S COPY OF COWPEB. Embellished by h is writing: "A very fine and true portra it. Could Artist possibly choose a better position than the above, W. M. Thacii- eray," Willed to Harva rd by Mr . "Wi de ner . HoHATio (impatiently)— "No sort of serpent, my Lord. He meant tha t his brother had killed him to get " FoBTiNBBAs— "We Can not go into that. It would be most improper to go into that. Th at is a criminal allegation, and should be tried before a criminal court. We can not have any thing abou t crime or the causes of dea th " HoHATio— "But the whole story is death and crime, I tell you— the whole blest, beautiful yarn. What are we playing at? " FoBTi NBBAS— "We are investigatin g the dynastic calam ity of the House of Hamlet, but we can not go into these individual deaths." HoBATio— "But aU deaths are individual deaths." F oB T i NBRAS (angrily) — "If you think a court of justice is a place to be clever in " HoKATio (with a deep groan)— !'No, my Lord. I can see it isn't." FoETiNBBAS— "When did you next see the Prince? " HoEATio—"About a week after; he told me he had failed to kill his uncle " FoETiNBBAS—"Now keep to the point, witness, keep to the point!" HoEATio (in a grating voice)— "0, very weR! About a week after, he told me his crocuses were coming on nicely, but his old dog had got the mange, and— Oh! look here! He had a talk to his inother about— you know what— heard some one behind the curtain, and drew his sword " F oB T ii JB B A S (shaking a finger of m ena ce)— "W itne ss! Witness!" HoEATlo (talking as fast as he can)— "And stuck it through the curtain, saying: 'A rat, dead for a ducat,' or some such words. He thou ght he'd killed his uncle, bu t '! FoBTiNBRAS—"How much is a ducat?" HoBATio— "Oh hell! . . . I'm sorry, my L ord; a favorite phrase of my friend's. I don't know how much a ducat is, and nor did he. It's some Italian thing." FoBTiNBBAs (very seriously, indeed)—"I should like you to understand, witness, that every indulgence is being shown you. If you will make sensational allusions to the life and death of individuals, allusions of which this court can take no cognizance, all I must do is to charge the jury to dismiss such irrelevant sug gestions from their minds. But here is a ma tter on a very different plane from merely criminal allegations. Matters of finance and commercial con tract are very serious matters; they are full y w ithin the pur view of this court, an d this court is bound to take action in them, and if Prince H amlet definitely claimed a su m of money for killing the rat, but stipulated for it in Venetian currency " HoBATio (wearily)— !'He didn't stipulate anything—he found he'd killed Poloni " FoBTiNBRAS—" Once and for all, I tell you this is not a crimi nal court. The court can not receive your evidence touching the alleged murder, but the court can receive any evi dence you can give about the rat. (More good-humoredly.) Come, come, witness— let us get back to the rat." HoBATio (wildly) — "B ut there never was any rat, you old " FoETiNBRAS — "You dis tinctly said that the Prince thought it was a rat " HoBATio—"No! No! No! He said it was a rat; he thought it was his uncle; and he found it was Poloni " FOETINBBAS — "Y our evi dence on this matter is so con fused and valueless that I will pass on to another point. Were you present at the fencing ma tch that has been described? "

Transcript of A satire on the Titanic Inquiry, article, 15 jun 1912

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June IS, 1912 T H E L I T E E A E Y D I G E S T 1255

distinguished library, but Mr. Widener seemed to be born to

tbe purple:

"He was a f requent a t tendant a t the important auct ion saleswhere, for all his liberality as a collector, he would never let theexci tement of the mom ent get the bet ter of his judgm ent . Whenat the dispersal last year of the Robert Hoe Hbrary his family'sbid for the Gu tenberg Bible was out-soared by M r. Huntin gton 'sbid of $50,000, the record price ever paid for any book, few inthat large audience real ized that the young man who quiet ly

jott ed down the price on t he m argin of his catalog was him self the possessor of volumes not less famous, among which hismagnificent first folio of Shakespeare may, in the course of time,become even more valuable than is the Gutenberg Bible to-d ay."

A SATIRE ON TH E " TITANIC " INQUIRY

WH A TEV ER S A TI S F A CT I O N s u c h j o ur n al s a s Th e

Saturday Review an d Outlook of London can take in

Lord Mersey's investigation of the Titanic disaster is

not shared by England 's younger insurgent men of le t ters . Mr.

Chesterton is particularly of this group, and has produced amasterpiece in satire, published in The Eye Witness (London) ,

which is ostensibly an inquiry into the death of Hamlet's father.Forlinbras, the man upon whom the "succession" fa l ls af ter the

clean sweep of the royal house, conducts the inquiry, withHoratio, Hamlet's friend and confidant, as the chief witness.

The matter is tried before a royal commission on the English

model. This satirical exploitation of Lord Me rsey's court is

the only way during the course of the inquiry that a publicprint could comme nt on the proceedings; bu t previous to the

sitting of the court Mr. Chesterton, quoted in our Foreign

Departmei^t, gave warning that the inquiry might result in

"hush ing things up ." M r. Chester ton presents what he calls

" a f ragment of the tes t imony"perta ining to the Hamlet case,

adding, by w ay of in trod uctory

pa rag raph :

"The only account (whichwe pr int) may be a contempo

rary skit, or a dramatized anddistorted legend, or even (thothis seems absm-d) a true accoun t of a procedu re once possible amo ng men . The re seemsto be no doub t tha t the f ragment begins in the middle of aspeech by Hamlet."

Then fol lows the t ranscr ipt

from the court records:

H O R A T I O — " T h e appearance,purport ing to be the la te EangHamlet , proceeded to deny thestory generally given of hisdeath in the orc hard, as described in the Danish press atthe t ime. He said that no

serpent s tung him, and addedthat the serpent who s tunghim "

F o B T i N B R A S ( s h a r p l y ) —" W h a t ' s t h a t ? "

H O R A T IO — " N o w wore hiscrown, or words to that effect."

FoKTiNBRAS— '' Really, youare a most confusing Avitness.First you say the serpent didnot s t ing him; then you saythe creature did s ting him, andmoreover c ontrived in someway to wear his crown. I amnot a natu ralist. [Laughter.]W ha t sort of a serpent was it? "

THACKEBAY'S COPY OF COWPEB.

Embellished by his writing: "A very fine and true portra it. CouldArtist possibly choose a better position than the above, W. M. Thacii-eray," Willed to Harva rd by Mr . "Widener.

HoHATio ( impatient ly)— "No sor t of serpent, my Lord. Heme ant tha t his broth er had killed him to get "

FoBTiNBBAs— "We Can not go into that . It would be mostimpro per to go into that . Th at is a criminal allegation, andshould be tried before a criminal court. We can not have an ything abou t crime or the causes of dea th "

HoHAT io— "But the whole s tory is death and cr ime, I te l lyou— the whole bles t , beaut iful yarn. W hat are we playing at? "

FoBTiNBBAS— "We are investigatin g the dynastic calam ityof the House of Hamlet, but we can not go into these individualdea ths ."

HoBA Tio— "But aU deaths are individual deaths ."FoBTiNBRAS (angrily) — "If you th ink a cou rt of justice is a

place to be clever in "HoKATio (with a deep groa n)— !'No , my Lord . I can see it

i s n ' t . "FoETiNBBAS— "When did you next see the Prince? "HoEAT io— "About a week af ter ; he to ld me he had fa iled to

kill his uncle "FoETiNBBAS— "Now keep to the point , witness , keep to the

p o i n t ! "HoEATio ( in a grating voic e)— "0, very weR! Abou t a week

after, he told me his crocuses were coming on nicely, but his olddog had got the mange, and— Oh! look here! He had a ta lk tohis inother about— you know what— heard some one behindthe curtain , and drew his sword "

FoBTiiJBBAS (shaking a finger of m ena ce)— "W itne ss!W i t n e s s ! "

HoEATlo ( ta lking as fas t as he can)— "An d s tuck i t through

the curtain, saying : 'A rat, dead for a duc at,' or some suchwords . He thou ght he'd killed his uncle, bu t '!FoBTiNBRAS—"How much is a du cat ?"HoBATio— "Oh hel l ! . . . I 'm sorry , my L ord; a fav ori te

phrase of my friend's. I don't know how mu ch a duc at is,and nor did he. I t ' s some I ta l ian thing."

FoBTiNBBAs (very seriously, inde ed) — "I should like you tounders tand, witness , that every indulgence is being shown you.If you will make sensational allusions to the life and death ofindividuals, allusions of which this court can take no cognizance,all I must do is to charge the jury to dismiss such irrelevant sug

gest ions f rom their minds . Bu there is a ma tte r on a verydifferent plane from merelycr iminal a l legat ions . M atte rsof finance and commercial contract are very ser ious matters ;they are fully w ithin the pur view of this cou rt, an d this

court is bound to take act ionin them, and if Pr ince H am letdefinitely claimed a su m ofmoney for ki ll ing the ra t , bu tstipulated for it in Venetiancurrency "

HoBATio (we a r i ly )— ! 'Hed idn ' t s t ipu late any th ing— hefound he'd killed Poloni "

FoBTiNBRAS— " Once and forall, I tell you this is not a crim inal court . The court can notreceive your evidence touchingthe a l leged murder , but thecourt can receive any evidence you can give about therat . (More good-humoredly.)Come, come, witness— let usget back to the ra t ."

HoBATio (wildly) — "B utthere never was any ra t , youold "

FoETiNBRAS — "Y ou dist inct ly said that the Pr incethought i t was a ra t "

H o BA Tio — " N o ! N o ! N o !He said i t was a ra t ; he tho ughtit was his uncle ; and he foundit was Poloni "

FOETINBBAS — "Y o ur evidence on this matter is so confused and valueless that I willpass on to another point . Wereyou present at the fencing ma tchthat has been descr ibed? "

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1256 T H E L I T E R A R Y D I G E S T June 15, 1912

HoBATio (very slowly)—"My Lord, I was present at thefencing matoh. The poisoned, sword——"

FoRTiNBBAS—"Before you go any fur ther , I had bet t er warnyou onoe more of the h m i t s of this inquiry. As a civil courtwe are ent i t led to consider the fencing match, but only as af encing match . Any al legat ions of poison must go before theC o u r t of Chem ical Cases Restrain ed. Exp er ts in fencing willbe cal led later , and asked to give an account of the sword-playin detai l ; but they wil l be warned that thei r descr ipt ion mustdeal only wi th the sword against which no al legat ions have beenbrought , and must conta in no ment ion of the other sword

again st which al legat ions hav e been brought . They m ust•explain to the Court 's sat isfact ion the posi t ions and movement sof the one sword, but wi thout ment ioning those of the othersword—which does not, legally, yet exist. Simply and solelya s a fencing match, was it "

HoKATio—"O! 0! 0!" (Snatches up the heavy goble t heiDas bro ug ht con taining the drains of the poison and hur ls it atFortinbras, who goes over on his back, chair and all. His legswave convulsively in the air for an i ns t an t , and t hen t ake ,ont he ; aus t er i t y of r igor mort is. The gobletroUs down the throne steps into the middleof the scene.)

' ' There cracks a precious head . Good night ,sweet Pr ince,

And droves of donkeys br ay thee to thy r es t ;I 'm more the ant ique Roman than the Dane,But ne i ther as barbar i an nor R o m a nC a n I m a k e h e a d or tai l of Engl ish law—

There's st i l l some poison lef t" . . .

(Picks up the goblet , dr inks, makes a face,and falls.)

" T h e r e s t i s"US HER OP THE COXTBT (waking up sud

denly)— " Si l ence! "

EDUCATIONAL REACTIONARIES

RE A C T I O N is thought desi rable by

those who believe our colleges have

• dr i f ted away f rom sound educat ional

moor ings , and the new president of Amher s t

•seems to show himseK as m u c h a react ion-

•ary in the educat ional sense as Dr. Hibbenof Pr inceton. It may well be, points out

The Nation (New York) , "that col leges

l ike Amher s t and Prince ton, wi th the ir

i iess complicated problems tha n those of the

large universi ty, wiU poin t the way to a

clean-cut react ion all a r o u n d . " The Nation

is led to this observat ion by the recent address of Pres i

dent-elect Meiklejohn before the Brown Univer s i t y Alumni of

Ne w York . Amhe r s t ' s new h e a d was formerly dean of Brown.

No uncer t a in words were u t t e r ed agains t the elect ive system,

Dr. Meiklejohn represent ing the boy as choosing on some special

l i ne—"the love of vocat ion , the l ine of ' s n a p s , ' the Une of a

cer tain profession, or the days that wi l l let the s tudent get out

o f t o w n . " " W h a t do you g e t ? " he asks . "Any sort of t rain

ing? None at all." He a d d s :

" T h e old classical curr iculum bel ieved tha t if you take cer tains tudies and work them through yo u 'd get out of t hem the deepestth ings of hum an exper i ence . I love the dogmatism, the cer t a in ty ,the courage of t h a t old curr iculum. Wh ether r ight or wrong, ithad something to give, something to be t a k e n . "

Without seeking to restore the old order unal tered, he insists

t h a t the t ime has come again "for the American college to select

f rom the b o d y of knowledge a unified system and make sure

t h a t the boy who studies it has learned of human l i fe. It's

t ime for a new dogmat i sm." The Nation t hus i n t erpre t s the

doct r ine :

" T h e t e r m ' d o g m a t i s m ' was, of course, used by ProfessorMeiklejohn apar t f rom any unfavorable connotat ion. Em

ployed in connect ion with the system which has t aken shape atAmher s t , its meaning is perfect ly clear : there is to be no c o m promise in the new president 's leadership. His words are encouraging as one more indicat ion of the direct ion in whichhigher educat ion in this country is moving. . . . M a n y h a v ewondered whether the plans for revision which the universi t ieshave made are not hedged about wi th too many qusilifications.H a n d in hand wi th the requirement that students shal l gain ageneral knowledge of some half-a-dozen subjects goes the chancefor them to choose from a mul t i t ude of courses designed formu ch more specific ends . Unive rsities strike the out s ider as

being somewhat apologet ic if any program is not strictlypract ical . So stat ist ics have been gathered to prove tha t thecollege man succeeds bet ter than his less educated brother , evenin business. This quest ion is really beside the point . Col legeused to be t hought capable of giving a m a n somet l ii ng whichhe could seldom acquire in pur ely comme rcial life. T'\ ''hy permitthe suspicion to crop out t h a t the wor th of that excess is atall doubtful?

"If dogmatism means asser t ing the convict ion that the p u r suit of an ideal t ruth is of the u t m o s t impor t ance , by all m e a n s let our universi t iesbe dogmat i c . "

T he new Amher s t program a ims to

" c r e a t e an atmosphere of proper de t ach

m e n t by requir ing a s tudy of the classics."

In this The Nation sees great vi r tues:

" T o us it appears signif icant that bothh e and Dr. H i b b e n are phi losophers whowill natiu-ally see to it th at thei r j specialsubject is not neglected. It and the classicseasi ly combine. Who can t h ink of Greekwithout Plato? Oddly enough, in the r ecentdiscussions on educat ion phi losophy has received l i t t le at tent ion. Yet of ail subjectsit should seem to be best fitted to form thebasis of any broad , rat iona l curr iculum .Small good will come, for instance, f romglimpses into the greatest civi l izat ion ofthe past unless power is got to reasonabst r ac t ly .

" This facul ty is at present almost lost .No t only do young men f ind it h a r d to projectthemselves back of the present , but equal lyhard to pur sue any hne of t hought whichhas no pract ical bear ings. At Oxford phi

losophic t raining , we know, has been insistedupon as m u c h as t h a t in the classics; andthe general run of OxfoM graduates impressone with their eagerness to speculate onfertile topics. The same used to be t r ue ofou r own s tudent s . Somehow, the capaci tyfor flexible theorizing must be won b a c k ,if the college and univer s i t y hope to l ive

u p to thei r t radi t ional purpose."

P R E S I D E N T M E I K L E J O H N , _

W h o is to l e a d A m h e r s t b a c k to the

d o g m a t i s m " of the old c u r r i c u l u m .

FREE - SPEAKING COLLEGE PROFESSORS — One of

Wellesley's professors. Miss Vida D. Scudder , seems to h a v e

offended some of the t rustees of that college by her speech

before the striking textile-workers at Lawrence , Mass . , so t h a t

they considered asking for her resignat ion. The episode has

precipi tated the larger quest ion of "how much f reedom of

speech ought college professors and i ns t ruc tor s to h a v e ? " The

New York Globe answer s :

"All they wan t . People object , of Course. They say t h a twhen a react ionary or a radical inst ructor says things, the publ icis hkely to mistake his voice for his college's, and t ha t t h i s mi stake does the college harm.

"But suppose there is no a t t e m p t to restrict free speech inthe coUeges? In that case there is Kkely to be ei ther such adifference of opinion in a college that nolaody can mistake anyone voice for the college's own voice, or else such harmony asto justify the publ ic in t h inking tha t in then- general at t i tudetoward publ ic quest ions the i ns t ruc tor s in this par t icular col legeare a good deal al ike. . . . The r emedy for too much f reedom ofspeech in our colleges is more freedom of speech ."