A Boxed-In Love

8/9/2019 A Boxed-In Love

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A BOXED-IN LOVE

(by: princessofdisaster)

Ill be there, honey. Just give me an hour and Ill be there. Need to get some things. Okay? Bye

I love

I paused for a while, slightly moving the phone away from my ear. I reached thebuilding, the very building which contained all those memoriesmy memories of you.

Apkujeong never felt this different. Well, except for a few people who could somehow recognize me and smile a little at me, nothing in this place seemed to havepreserved those timeswhen fans would chase us down these streets, chanting and s

houting in excitement, while we just walked down to eat some patbingsoo or ramyun.

Fame is, in its own right, dangerously volatile, and the dissolution ten years e

arlier was a living proof.

Hon? Oh well, I love you, too. You owe me a kiss for spacing out. Bye!

Spacing out. Yes. I was sometimes good at that. But I always knew you were better.

===

Annyeonghaseyo! My name is

Jessica?

Well, then, I guess

Oh, Im sorry, was I talking to you?

===

I approached the building. The security guard who was standing near the entrancethen smiled at me.

Good morning maam, what can I do for you? Are you looking foroh! the guard rubbed his eyes for a while. Then he bowed at me. Though he wasnt the same security guardI used to bow down to and greet in the morning some ten years ago or so, I can tell he knew me. I smiled and bowed down in reply.

Good morning! Im just going to get things, I said, I forgot to get them some years ago.

The boxes must be heavy for you, right? the guard chuckled. You can always ask my help if you have trouble with your things. He then folded his arms and tried to sound stern. But why years ago? It couldnt be because you forgot them.

I just smiled back. Haha, oppa, youre really good in asking questions, I replied, But you would never understand if I tell you. See you later,



Okayoh, just for the record, I still have the handkerchief you signed for me fifteen years ago. The guard then pulled out a small white handkerchief and showed itto me.

I bowed down to him once again and headed for the elevator. Thank you, oppa. I said, without looking back at him.Ting!~

The elevator doors opened. For seconds, I just stared at the hallways which hadagain brought me nostalgia even more. I walked slowly out of the elevator, and along the hallways. I opened a door that led me to a large room.

Oh, shoot.

Even with only few furniture pieces, I could still feel the coziness of the place. Empty boxes were piled up in one corner, and some pieces of paper were scattered across the floor.

I walked to the kitchen, and I began to smile as I walked over an empty space be

side it. The refrigerator where we used to stick up our crazy, dorky Polaroid pictures used to be there. I remembered how that mushroom-haired girl cried in front of me on our last day so I could give those pictures to her.

I gazed at the countertops. They were all empty. I looked into the cupboards, thinking I may have left something there. I found nothing but a few instant ramyunnoodles which were already expired. Fifteen years ago. The shikshin must have le

ft this. Again, I smiled to myself.

I gazed at the place before heading to my room. Sure enough, I can see you giggling and laughing out of nowhere in that spot, spacing out and daydreaming in a corner, and, well, napping on the couch at that area. I began wondering if, during all these years that you werent showing even a trace or shadow to usto me, youre

still the same ice princess that I came to know and love.

When I stepped into my room, I started to wonder where I put those few things Ileft a decade ago. Maybe the company got rid of them, I told myself. It couldnt bethough, because in one corner of the room, there stood a medium-sized box, and Ican see some of its contents which were starting to spill out from it.

I suddenly found myself sitting on the floor with my legs crossed. I started topull the things out of the box. Although there were too many things inside the box which would sooner or later remind me of you and your love and would at the same time cause me those painful memories, I was determined to look into those things first before I put them away.

I pulled out a dusty pair of trainers from the box. I remember very clearly howI carried these with me across the dance room when we started our training day.You were smirking and sniggering with the dancing queen and the shikshin as I entered the room and saw that other trainees had their shoes on.

===

Um, Jessica-sshi, can I come in?

Oh, okay, but you cant step in here with your shoes on. You know, the rules.

Oh, okay, thank you for the reminder.

No problem.



===

I was pretty much embarrassed and I could feel my face getting red and warm, what with the faces staring and giggling at me. I was almost going to confront youbecause of what happened. Then, you just smirked and tried hard not to giggle infront of me.

Thats when I saw your smile for the first time, the first smile that I fell in love with. Because, just because, there was no other reason for it than the fact that it belonged to you.

I searched for more things inside the box. After a moment, I was able to pull out of the box a dusty old lollipop toy. It took me back to the time when we won the first Music Bank award. It was funny how we got into an accident, got late inthe event, and still won the award. It was the first time you held my hand. Youquickly pulled me nearer to you and held on tight to my hand while our car was

swerving uncontrollably down the road. I couldnt look at you, but at that time, Iwas feeling scared not because I feared for my own life, but because I may onlyhave about five seconds or so to show you how much you took my breath away from

that moment you smiled at me.

===

What theAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Jessica!

Omowere going to die!

Sica, its going to be alright, Im here, just hold on to me,

Yuri-yah WAAAAAHHHH!!! (tires screeching)

===

Hearing the name Girls Generation in Music Bank that night was the best present ever. I couldnt help but shed all those tears of relief and happiness, knowing thatour car almost crashed on our way to the award event. I looked for you among thegrowing crowd of idols in the stage, and there you wereyou had a blazed look at

me. We stared at each other for what seemed like a century, walked slowly towards each other, then, just then

I didnt know what I had in mind, except that I suddenly pulled you into an embrace. You didnt even resist; instead, you leaned your head onto my shoulder and cried softly. I guess you had only known me as a friend at that time. But I knew forsure that you were someone I didnt want to lose for the rest of my lifethat perso

n I wanted to see forever with.

I scurried more things from the box and found a handkerchief. From the looks ofitcrumpled and slightly brown in colorthis had been for a thousand times a witnessto all the tears that we shared when we were still together.

===

Why cant he just stay a little longer? Jaejoong-oppa is Japan is

I know, Sica, but hes, you knowbusiness matters,

But why break up with me? He can just call me every night while hes away,



I dont know, maybe, justhe needs some time to prove his worth I think,

Really? But I know he had already proved it,

Maybe he just wanted to come back to you as someone whos even more, um, whos even better?

I cant live without him, I just cant

Its okay, Sica. Just let it all out. Im here for youwere best friends, right? No Jaejoong-oppa or any other guy is going to hurt you when Im around,

===

And its the first time I handed you this handkerchief. I couldnt say anything moreafter that. I didnt have any more advice to give. I just wanted to hear your voi

ce, listen to your sobs and to those stories of how you and that DBSK singer had

an on-and-off relationship. Even though it pained me to see that you couldnt return my feelings back then, and that you loved someone else even though he couldnt

love you the same way, I just wanted to feel your pain.

It was the same handkerchief I cried on to whenever I saw him hold your hand, cuddle you, or kiss you. Its something I could never do with you.

I wondered how you could have that effect on my hearthow I could still be happy even in pain, how I could still be thankful even though Im that unfortunate not tohave you, how I could still live my life with meaning even if there seemed to b

e no meaning in telling you how much I loved you back then.

Minutes later, I found myself looking at some small pieces of paper stashed away

in a partly opened letter envelope. I smiled to myself again. These were the secret notes weve been passing to each other while we sat in as guests in radio shows.

===

Howdy?

Yuri-yah, keep focus on the show!

Youre even spacing outand you tell me to focus? Keke~

Whatever.

Sica.

What?! Again?

Do you really mean it, what you said earlier about me meeting your in-laws?

Of course, keke. Why, youre my Kwon Seobang, arent you? Keke~ You should meet mom.

===

At that moment, what you wrote to me got me all confused. I shook my head and wo

ndered if you really meant every little thing youve written to me. At the same time, I laughed at the fact that unknowingly, we were in our own little world during radio shows, chatting and giggling like there was no tomorrow. I would go ran



dom because I just couldnt stop making you laugh. Its just your smile that made myday, and I wanted you to always smile and laugh, and melt those icy walls off y

ou.

During that show, I wondered if there was any way that you felt the same for methat you loved me not just as a friend.My hand snaked down further into the box, reaching its very bottom. I felt a tin

y object and pulled it out of the box. It was something I didnt want to rememberthe most about us. For all those years, the bond that our group shared remainedsolid, and weve remained best friends, but it seemed my selfishness got the bestof me.

It was your birthday, the time I had to tell you how I really feel about you. Iremembered taking a bike to and from Cheongdam Dong, bringing this thing along with me. I felt nervous, because it was unlikely that youd respond to a situationas bizarre as a girl feeling something for the same species. Nevertheless, I just felt happy just because I was doing it for you. So tell me, was it selfishnessthat got into me?

Things suddenly turned awry, however, at the party.

===

Omo Kwon Seobang, youre late!

Y-yeah, I came all the way from Cheongdam Dong because I had to do someth

It doesnt matter anymore, youre here.

Well, okay, uh, I-

Jaejoong-oppa!

Yah, Yuri, I brought Jaejoong along, if you dont mind.

But I thought

Well, he couldnt resist me. Keke Taeyeon brought me the best birthday present ever.

I thought you never wanted to see him again? Thats a shock, at least for me.

Well, this doesnt matter either. I just wanted him to be here.

Okay

===

And God knows what happened next. I had to swallow mouthfuls of cake just seeingthe two of you cuddling next to each other, putting your head on his shoulder,

looking at him while singing our songs, or perhaps him telling you over the microphone the sweetest words one could ever say:

My heart beats for only you.

Amidst the shouting and shrieking of the kid leader, the shikshin, the maknae, t

he dancing queen, the aegyo queen, mushroomfany, the doe I felt drowned out and well, hurt. It didnt matter anymore, though. After all, it was your birthday, andI didnt want to ruin your perfect day. When it was my turn to sing, my voice crac



ked as I belted out the lines:

Baby, come to me nowAnd be my ladyIve watched you for too longI stood there with no words,hiding my pitiful heart

The tears started forming at the corner of my eyes, so I had to turn my back onyou so you wont see me. After the song, I went out into the balcony to get some fresh air, pulled out that object out of my pocket, and stared at it for seconds.I traced its surface gleaming under the moonlight, and I wondered if I really h

ad to give it to you. I felt stupid and lost, but there was no turning back. I had a lot of chance to tell you how much I love you, and that chance had to be now.

Carpe diem.

By the end of the party, Jaejoongs left arm was already hanging over your shoulde

r and across your back as we watched you struggle with his weight. We were walking home to the company building in Apkujeong, and, hurt as I am, I just looked at you helplessly while you had a chance at Jaejoong. You accompanied him to theelevator, and we waited for you at the lobbyI couldnt help imagining you and Jaejoong making out and kissing each other goodbye during that moment. My stomach lurched.

Few minutes later, we and the other members walked into our dorm. We all felt tired since it was already two in the morning and we were able to finish your birthday cake and drink a couple of sojus. After some chat about the party, everyonestarted walking back to their rooms.

===

Yah, Sica.

Hm?

Tired?

Yeah, and sleepy. Hey, can you bring these boxes of presents for me to my room? Hyo went straight to the bathroom and I had no one else to help me out.

Sure.

Um, Sica?

Hey, Yuri-yah, thanks for coming along.

No problem. Anything for my best friend.

Aw, how sweet of my Kwon Seobang. Keke~

Actually, I forgot throughout the party that I have something to give you.

Jinja, jinja?! Nice, nice! Is it DBSK? Oh, well, Jaejoong will still make a finepresent, keke~



Unfortunately, no. I dont know how to put this

===

When we reached your room, I settled down the gifts on one corner and pulled outthat object from my pocket once again. As you were arranging your things on the

bed, I breathed in and out deeply, approached you, and, mustering all my strength

===

Here.

Do you like it? I cant think of anything, but you kept bugging me about it and told me you liked that pair very much, so I

W-well, I think I have to go now. Im a bit sleepy. Goodnight Sica baby.

Yuri-yah.

What is it?

Do you like me?

Of course, as your best friend, I do.

Is that why you were acting strangely this evening?

What?! What the heck are you talking about? If you think I was being strange, itsbecause the chocolate cake gave me the bad tummy and the soju didnt taste good.

No, I dont think so, Yuri-yah. You didnt even talk to me or look at me while I waswith Jaejoong.

Come on, you were all lovey-dovey, and we had to leave you two alone. Keke~

Not talking to me was part of the plan? Keeping silent the whole evening was partof the plan? Refusing my chocolate cake was part of the plan? And singing THAT

song in front of me was part of the plan? I thought I knew you Kwon Yuri. But Icouldnt understand you all the while.

Oh come on, my frustrations over Yunho-oppa came over so I had to sing that song!What does it mean to you, anyway?!

I hate you.

W-what!? What did I do wrong, Sica? You must have misunderstood me.

What now?!

Kwon Yuri. I kept wondering why you cant tell me directly what the hell was wrongwith you at the party. Now, I started to realize that it concerns me, andand youcant tell me, your best friend, about it.



Well, you didnt even tell me you hadnt given up Jaejoong yet.

And so? What is it to you, Kwon Yuri? Tell me, are you in love with me or something like that?! Is that why youre jealous about Jaejoong going out with me this evening? Is that it!?

IIm notits not what it seems, Sica

Then whats wrong?!

===

You suddenly walked out of the door. All of the sudden, I felt the urge to snakemy hand out and grab you so you wouldnt leave the roomso that you wouldnt leave mealone ever again. The next thing I knew, I had pressed my lips against yours.

We stood still near the closed door, our lips still and locked to each other. Ididnt know if this felt right or wrong, but I had to do it. I had to tell you howI really feel before it was too late, whether this meant a happy ending for theboth of us, or a tragic end of our beautiful friendship. I slowly pulled away f

rom the kiss, whispering:

I love

Suddenly, your eyes opened wide in shock. Then, I felt a surge of stinging painon my left cheek as you pushed me away. You accidentally dropped one of the pairof earrings I gave you as you ran out of the room, out of the dorm and out of t

he building, I guess. I didnt dare follow you. Instead, I went beside the spot where the earring dropped and sat there, hugging my knees. Tears started welling u

p in my eyes again.

I love you, Jessica. My mind spoke.

===

M-maam? Yuri-sshi?

A familiar voice came from behind me. I turned around to see someone peeking atthe door of the room. It was the security guard I met an hour ago.

Yes?

Someones waiting for you outside.

Oh.

I immediately put the things back into the box. Ill be right down in a minute. I said to the guard, who then nodded and left the room.

I stood up, then nodded down and stared at the box for a moment. As much as I wanted to bring it along with me downstairs, I didnt think it was necessary. I laughed at myself, thinking how stupid I was to have come back to this place and reminisce all the moments weve shared together. I didnt mean to be such an infidel inthat way. Maybe its because it reminded me of the failed three-word phrase I was

meaning to say to you ten years ago. Since it happened, we didnt even talk to each other, even in television and radio shows. Soon, our contracts have expired and our group disbanded. And you left the dorm ahead of us without even saying go



odbye.

I never heard from you again since then.

Oppa!

Hey, Yuri-yah! What took you so long?

Nothing. I realized I havent had things to get here after all. They were gone. I just reminisced the days when I could still show my sexy S-line.

Thats okay. Im doing the same right now..

The S-line? Show me!

Okay, here it goes. Keke~

Silly you!

A pair of arms greeted me in a warm embrace. I lingered in it for a while, and one thing I was sure of was that it was better that I left it all behind in thatbox, in that room. I stopped wondering what would have happened if we got together that fateful evening, or if I would have said those three words altogether toyou. After all, what mattered was the moment I looked up at the most wonderful

person Ive ever met and the one I wanted to share my life with.

But, still, I love you.

===

Miss?

Hey, miss?

W-what is it?

Pardon me for the question. But why are you out here in this field, crying?

W-well, I-I got rejected, I t-think?

By who?

Itit doesnt matter anymore.

Well, okay, but I think you have to stand up and fix yourself now. It pains me tosee you like that. Plus, the park is closing.

Oh. O-okay, t-thanks. I really need to r-rejuvenate.

Here, take my hand. I suppose you need my handkerchief to help you with crying?

T-thanks , who-whoever you are.

Call me Yesung.

-the end-

A Boxed-In Love

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