6 Steps to Successful Parenting

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Guide to parenting teenagers

Transcript of 6 Steps to Successful Parenting

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Having discovered them for myself and realize how easy it can be, I want

to pass them on. I am happy to share, in fact, I’m passionate about it.

We don’t get any specific training to be parents and in fact most of us don’t get

any really valuable training in how to have fulfilling and satisfying relationships

(with anybody, including ourselves!) We often grow up having only the model

of how we were brought up to follow, if we feel it was good we follow that and if

not we try to change it, only very often not really knowing how to.

As babies we shower love and affection on them, there’s a time they can do no

wrong, everything they do is cute, adorable, makes us laugh, we give lots of

hugs, kisses and cuddles and then it changes Not instantly, of course, it

happens over a period of time. They have to learn to earn our praise and they

get told off for things they are doing wrong. We criticize and spend a lot of time

telling them “No”.

It’s estimated than on average a child hears the word “No” thousands of times

more than the word “Yes”. Think about it, when an adult is saying “No” to a

toddler how often do they say “No, no, no, no, no”!!! You don’t often hear “Yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes” Do you?

We want them to learn right from wrong and a lot of what we teach them is to

help keep them safe and know how to live in society and what’s expected of

them. We have their best interests at heart and want to raise, happy, healthy

and well rounded children, yet in our attempts we often do a lot of damage,

especially unseen ‘damage’, though that is quite a strong word for it, what I

mean is the negative effect, what we have said, has on their life. They often

won’t consciously be aware this has happened as it runs at an unconscious

level. I explore this aspect of unconscious programming that affects all of us in

my book ‘How to Handle not Strangle your Teenager’ and on my parenting

workshops.

Over time we can see and feel that bond becoming weaker, we grow apart and

often with our teenage children it feels like an almost constant battle. We hardly

recognize that bundle of joy we knew and can feel like we’re living with some

alien, a creature from another planet!

That’s exactly how I felt, until I learnt what I’m going to share

with you here.

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My discoveries came after I completed my NLP practitioner course. Before

going on my course I already had a fridge magnet that said “We must be the

change we wish to see in the word” Gandhi. I sort of got it, not completely

though. When I came back from my course I did! I am passionate about passing

on the knowledge I gained to other parents, especially of teenagers (because I

had three of them!).

And it worked with them! The earlier you start the earlier you’ll reap the benefits.

You can’t change anything outside yourself without changing yourself first. You

won’t see anything differently until you look through different eyes. If you keep

on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got!

Let me take a little time here to tell you how it was for me...

I have three sons and am a single mum, have been since 2001 and have had

very challenging times with my boys. Two labeled disabled, one having had a

brain haemorrhage at the age of ten, because of a coarctation of the aorta.

The second of my ‘labeled’ boys, was on the Autistic spectrum presenting with

Aspergers syndrome, ADHD, dyslexia, social and behavior problems, a

pragmatic and semantic language problem... and also has diabetes Type 1 so

injects insulin several times a day, a few issues!

The middle son escaped the labeling and yet his experience was middle child

syndrome. In his case that meant unconsciously seeking attention and wanting

a special need, as the other two got lots of attention and time due to their

conditions. He became depressed, self harmed and was referred to

physcologists, expelled from schools. And had a tough time.

As well as the particular circumstances described above, we had the usual

teenage challenges and arguments. I found myself battling and not making any

head way or improvements. It was difficult. I became depressed, unable to cope,

on medication and wondering if it was worth going on. Not a good place to be.

Until I discovered my...

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I learnt that we have more control of our lives and what we experience than I

realized. We have choice and that gives us power. What a lot of people do is

give their own personal power away and become victims.

You hear it in phrases like “She makes me so mad” or “He’s really upset me”

This implies the other person has the power or ability to cause you to experience

the emotions you’re going through. It is so much more empowering to realize,

no one has that power, not if you choose otherwise and you can.

I am the only person who can decide how I am going to feel about anything,

either a situation or something somebody has said. You are the only person

who can decide how you are going to feel. In the early days when this way of

being was new to me and my boys, I would often slip into the old habit of saying

(usually about the state of bedrooms, being horribly untidy!) I’m sick of asking

you to tidy up, it makes me so angry!’ And I’d hear the retort, “Then choose not

to be” a taste of my own medicine.

At first, yes, it’s quite difficult. I had to think to myself. OK no one’s putting a

gun to my head to “Make” me feel whatever it is I am feeling. No one is twisting

my arm and even if they were I’d still have the choice. I had to learn to take a

deep breath, walk away and choose to feel a much more beneficial emotion,

change the ‘state’ I was in. You can change your state by leaving the space

you’re in, go into a different room, go outside, for a walk, do something different,

put upbeat music on, dance, watch a funny film, anything to get away from the

situation and let it go without revisiting it or playing it over and over again in

your mind.

Personal Power – Taking Control

Step 1

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When we communicate with our teenagers, we very often focus on what we

don’t want them to do and tell them this! We’re actually bringing attention to

something they may never have thought about until we mentioned it and even

when we’re saying “don’t” we are causing them to think about it! So what can

we say that will help? It’s fascinating to realize that the unconscious mind (and

we all have one!) does not directly process negatives. I know I spent a lot of

time telling my boys what I didn’t want them to do. We think we’re helping, things

like, “Don’t be late” “Don’t leave your room a mess” “Don’t lose your money”,

now bearing in mind the “Don’t” isn’t processed, what is heard is “Be late”,

“Leave your room a mess”, “Lose your money”! Here’s an exercise for you...

Don’t think of a pink elephant! Just by me writing the words, you reading them,

you have to think of one to know what not to think of!

Strangely enough the unconscious mind really does want to cooperate. We get

better results when we say what we do want, not what we don’t! In my case,

my first part of the plan was to ask for what I wanted (I didn’t always get it, it

needs a few more strategies and tools, still a good starting point) So “Be on

time” “Leave your room tidy” and “Keep your money safe” were all positive

requests and not focusing on what I didn’t want.

Ditch your “Don’ts”

Step 2

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As well as spending a lot of time saying “Don’t” we can often criticize our

children, finding fault with what they’ve done or not done. Refocus, look for the

positive in behavior or the situation. I’ll give the example of one situation that

used to drive me mad. My youngest son would leave what I called ‘rubbish’ in

his trousers pockets, crisp packets, chocolate bar wrappers, bits of broken

plastic, rubber bands, odd coins, buttons, pebbles. All sorts, apparently treas-

ures to him! When I came to put clothes in the wash, I’d feel his pockets and so

not to have a broken washing machine, would empty the pockets, it drove me

mad and I was constantly saying to him, (often through gritted teeth and with a

few aaaarrrrggghhhhs too!) “Don’t leave all this rubbish in your pockets for me

to have to empty”.

When I understood the unproductive use of the word ‘Don’t’ I realized I was

actually asking him to do precisely that! So, a cunning plan was hatched. I

realized I needed to say what I did want him to do and find something good to

say first. This is refocusing, instead of focusing on the negatives, I wanted to

find the positive in it. So I ‘reframed’ the situation, looked at it from a different

perspective and said “I’m really glad that you bring your litter home and haven’t

just dropped it on the street” Praise immediately, that will feel so much better

than a criticism. You now have their attention, they are probably listening now

(and the unconscious mind certainly is, enjoying praise)

My reconstruction with my son was “ I’m really glad that you bring your litter

home and you haven’t just dropped it on the street and what would help me

even more is when you throw it away when you get home because that would

be really helpful and you can be really helpful can’t you?”

The words in bold and underlined are really important to use, they have a

‘hypnotic’ effect, that means the unconscious mind will respond to them and the

results will be quite profound.

Wear Rose Coloured Spectacles

Step 3

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The whole structure of what you say is crucial and in the past even if I’d started

with this positive statement “I’m really glad that you bring your litter home and

haven’t just dropped it in the street” I would have immediately followed it with

“But, will you please throw it away when you get home”. The thing with “But” is,

it’s a negation, it takes away any positive thing you’ve previously said. The initial

compliment has been squashed with the critical ‘but’. Simply change your ‘Buts’!

STOP using them, sit on them and keep them there! Use ‘And’ instead. Use

‘and’ with a little encouragement and end on a positive note.

Sit on your ‘Buts’

Step 4

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By using ‘when’ and ‘because’.

The ‘when’ in the sentence assumes it is going to happen, I know I would have

used ‘if’ here in the past, that’s giving choice, it may or may not happen. The

‘when’ is stating it will, it’s just a case of when that will be.

I call ‘because’ the magic because, as when we hear that said, we expect a

valid reason to follow, the unconscious mind is so programmed! You can even

use it when what you say after it doesn’t necessarily make any sense! Try it in

the supermarket when you’d like to go in front of someone in the queue at the

checkout, say something like “You wouldn’t mind if I go in front of you would

you?...because I’ve put the wrong shoes on this morning” More than likely they’ll

agree without saying “what’s that got to do with it?”

Limit Their Choice

Step 5

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Tag Question

Step 6

Finally, at the end of the sentence is the tag question, ‘can’t you?’ you’ve moved

away from the initial subject matter, turned it into a compliment, made a

statement that the listener would want to agree with, so you’re eliciting a “Yes”

response at the end. You have the person in the agreement frame and

unconsciously what they are saying yes to is all that you have just said.

This is the magic of language. Start now to use it positively and find that you

can make the difference you want to see, as I quoted earlier, Gandhi said it

perfectly “You must be the change you want to see in the world”.

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Keep control, deep breath in and retain your personal power, you arein control of your response and no one ‘makes’ you be or do anything,you choose it!

Get rid of ‘Don’t’, ask for what you do want, not what you don’t!

Refocus, look at the situation in a different light, find the positive in it,something to be grateful for and tell them.

Reframe the whole event or situation and use magic language. Start withthe positive, use ‘and’ not ‘but’, ‘when’ rather than ‘if’, add because togive validity and end with the tag question.

Respect our children as we would other human beings, ones that welove. Remember they don’t care how much you know until they knowhow much you care.

Please pass this on and help make a difference. Parenting is a privilegeand I truly believe we are parenting ‘magic’ when we parent our childrenbecause that’s what they are.

Happy Parenting!

Love from,

So come on, you can do it...

Karenx

www.parentingmagic.co.uk