5 Things a Kid Must Get From Dad

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5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD

Dar Dad:

I know you want to b a grat athra trric rol odl

who your childrn rspct and adir. And th rsarch is

clar: Your childrn ar calling out, beggingor your attntion.Children thrive hen they have an involved ather

someone ho loves them, nos them, guides them,

and helps them achieve their destiny.

Statistics spak or thslvs: Whn childrn do not

hav involvd athrs, thy ar or likly to turn to drugs or

alcohol, and b involvd with prarital prgnancy.Ty ar or likly to grow to b adults who liv in

povrty, and thy ar or likly to turn to cri.

Whn a athrs prsnc isnt as strong as it should b,

childrn hav lowr sl-st. Tir grads sur. Ty

dvlop unhalthy viws about al-al rlationships.

Unortunatly, todays cultur dos not provid dads with

practical advic thy ndat last not narly at th lvl o

guidanc availabl to othrs.

So what about dads?

At th National Cntr or Fathring, w want to provid

dads with th rsarch and th tools to bco grat rolodls and loving athrs who do thir bst to rais condnt,

principld childrn.

Our goal is to change the culture or todays children

(and the children o coming generations) by unleashing

6.5 million dads ho are committed to Championship

Fathering.
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Join the Movement.

Make your Championship Fathering

Commitment Today at www.fathers.com/cf.

Tis r book is our latst initiativ to provid dads with

th rsourcs thy nd to ngag with thir kids and b part

o th Chapionship Fathring ovnt.

Plas rad th book, covr-to-covr. Absorb it. Ipl-

nt th suggstions that rsonat with you. And whn you

ar don, orward it anothr dad who lovs his childrn. (Or,

bttr yt, orward it to v othr dads who lov thir chil-

drn!)

B sur to nd us on Facbook, wittr, and Googl+.

Lts chang th cultur o athring togthr!

Sincrly,

P.S. Daddy, youre my hero.

How uch would you lov to har thos words?

You can.

Make the Championship Fathering

Commitment here.
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C o n t e n t s

6 Five Things Every Daughter MUST GET

from DAD

37 Five Things Every Son MUST GET

from DAD

www.athers .com

(Tis material is based on a ramework developed by the Centers ounder,

Dr. Ken Canfeld, whose work continues to inspire and equip athers.)
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At the National Center or Fathering, w bliv that every

child nds a dad sh or h can count on. T rsarch is clar:

childrn thriv whn thy hav an involvd athrsoon

who lovs th, knows th, guids th, and hlps thachiv thir dstiny.

Tis r book is part o our ongoing orts to provid prac-

tical, rsarch-basd training and rsourcs that inspir and

quip n to b th involvd athrs, grandathrs and athr

gurs thir childrn nd.

Tis book ocuss on daughtrs and sons sparatly, provid-

ing on sction or athrs o daughtrs and on or athrs o

sons. Tat said, any o th idas ar univrsal to all childrn,

so b sur to chck out ach sction, rgardlss o your childs

gndr.
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5Five Things Every Daughter MUST

GET rom DAD

In many famIlIes, dads guid thir sons and os guid thirdaughtrs. But particularly as girls atur, thy nd thirdads prspctiv as thy approach signicant crossroads.Daughtrs nd th bnt o thir dads li xprincs andwisdo as thy considr iportant li dcisions and think

through possibl consquncs o thir choics.

Your daughtr also ndsto know that you chrishhr as a prson and youadir hr as a lovly

young woan. Sh isntjust anothr prson; shis spcial and uniqu, andworthy o your attntion. Shis royalty.

Hr ar v things yourdaughtr mUS Gero you




- 1 -She needs you to give her ords o comort.

What would b your rst words to your daughtr i

Sh lost sothing iportant?

Sh injurd hrsl in a inor accidnt bcaus

sh was bing carlss?

Sh causd a ndr-bndr? Sh ca to you and told you

that shs prgnant?

What would your rst words b?

Would thy b coorting words, orwords o angr, disappointnt, and

judgnt?

Daughtrs around th country tll us

th sa thing:Tey do not think they can talk to their dads

about their problems because they are araid o what their

dads will say or do. Tey do not sense unconditional accep-

tance rom their dads. I thy ak a istak, daughtrs l

thir dads will judg th and b disappointd, rst and or-

ost.

Tough w do not think a dad should rlax his valus or

stop having high xpctations or his daughtrs bhavior,




sotis coorting a daughtr is or iportant than

driving ho a point. Certainly, comorting a daughter is

more important than proving that you are right. You will

hav othr opportunitis to tach your daughtr about rightand wrong, but i your daughtr cos to you with a probl,

your rst priority should b to coort hr by:

1. Allowing hr to xprss hr lings,

2. Activly listning to hr, and

3. Rsponding with pathy.

Tis thr-tird procss or coorting your daughtr is

particularly iportant i sh is disappointd or i sh has dis-

appointd you.

First, allo her to express her eelings.

Your daughtr nds rdo to xprss what shs think-

ing, knowing that you will rspond cally. evn whn your

daughtr has ad a istak, kping your cool and rusing

to ovrract ar iportant stps i you want to build a rla-

tionship that ncourags your daughtr to co to you and

tll you whatvr is in hr hart or on hr ind.

T scrt is to stablish a rlationship o accptanc dur-

ing th day-to-day ups and downs o li with your daughtr.

Demonstrate that she is accepted, no matter whatthat she

can come to you about anything.Tn, whn a crisis occurs,

sh will b uch or likly to rach or you.




Lts say that your tnag daugh-

tr has a rind who you think is

bad nws. Ty hav a ght, and

your daughtr bcos th victio hr orr rinds bullying tac-

tics. Sh conds in you.

You ight b tptd to say, I

told you not to hang out with hr!

But rsist th tptation. moriportant is that your daughtr

ls that sh can cond in you.

So rplac th judgntal words

with consoling words like, Are

you okay?

Show hr that hr otions, coort, and saty ar your

ain concrn.

Closely related to the frst, actively listening to your

daughter is an important part o comorting her.

Allowing hr to xprss hrsl wont ak a dirnc i you

dont also ask clariying qustions, clar your ind o prcon-

cptions, rad hr voic inctions and body languag, and

kp listning or th hart o hr concrn.

Activly listning to your daughtr ans that you us your

ars, ys, outh, hart, and body languag.




With your ars, listn to hr words.

With your ys, look or acial xprssions and

non-vrbal cus sh ight b snding.

With your outh, ask ollow-up qustions to

ak sur you undrstand.

With your hart, tun into th lings your

daughtr is counicating. Pay clos attntion

vn i your daughtr is talking about sothingyou think is trivial. Rbr that she ls

th subjct is iportant, so try to tun into hr

lings instad o your own judgnt. Always

kp in ind that you want hr to kp coing

back to you whn or iportant attrs ar on

hr ind.




With your body, donstrat through your own

acial xprssions and non-vrbal cus that you

ar intrstd and rady to har or. Put down

th papr, turn th V o, shit your whol bodyaway ro th coputrwhatvr it taks to

giv your coplt attntion to your daughtr.

And third, respond ith empathy hen consequences

are necessary.

I your daughtr isbhavs, consquncs ar ncssary. But

instad o showing angr, try showing pathy and sadnss.

Tis allows your daughtr to contplat and larn ro hr

istaks. On th othr hand, whn parnts rspond with

angr, daughtrs iss th lsson bcaus thy ar too angry,

rustratd, or rsntul.

Anger + Consequences = More Anger

Empathy + Consequences = Opportunities to

Learn and Sel-Correct

Whn a child isbhavs, a dads rst raction is otn to try

to x th probl, launching into a lctur about what sh

should do, or what lsson sh should larn. But i you simply

express sadness about the situation and concern or what

your child is going through, your daughtr will know you ar

thr or hr. Tis will hlp prvnt a ltdown.




Say you co in ro th garag to nd littl Ay drawing

on th living roo walls with hr crayons.

An angry rspons ight sound lik this: Ay! What ar youdoing? You should know bttr! Go to your roo right now!

Ay ds o your angr and launchs a scraing tantru

o hr own. mor iportantly, rathr than ocusing on what

sh did wrong, sh will probably ocus on th hatd otions

and th angry conrontation.

Sound ailiar?

epathy ight go lik this: Ay, this is so sad. W dont

writ on walls. Crayons ar or papr. What ar you going to

do to x this?

Chancs ar, youll b struggling to control your angr in situ-

ations lik this. I this is th cas, considr adding sothing

lik, Why dont you go sit in th kitchn or a w inuts

and s i you can think o so good solutions.

Te key is to handle it in a way that propts her to think about

the proble and attept to solve it hersel (even i she getssoe help ro you). Tis allows her an opportunity to learn

and sel-correct, all the while eeling loved by her dad. (Ill

share ore about correction and discipline under point #5.)




YOUR HOMEwORk:

1. Ask your daughtr: A I a good listnr? I

sh says that you ar not, considr hr answr ablssing. You can ak so changs and builda strongr rlationship with hr.

2. Tn ask: How can you tll whn I not rallylistning?

3. Follow this up with: How can I do bttr?4. Practic th skills o activ listning.

Fac your child squarly. Tis postur says, Ia availabl to you; I choos to b with you.

Adopt an opn postur. Crossd ars and

lgs say, I a not intrstd. An opnpostur shows your child that you ar opnto hr and what sh has to say.

Put yoursl on your childs lvl. I yourdaughtr is young, knl or squat down so

you ar at y lvl. Tis counicats, Iwant to know or about you.

maintain good y contact. Hav you vrtalkd to soon whos ys s to blooking at vrything in th roo but you?How did that ak you l? Tats not

sothing you want your kids to xprinc.




Stay rlaxd as you listn. I you dgtnrvously as your daughtr is talking, shwill think you would rathr b sowhr

ls. Watch your child. Larn to rad hr

nonvrbal bhavior: postur, bodyovnts, and gsturs. Notic rowns,sils, raisd brows, and twistd lips. Listnto voic quality and pitch, phasis, pauss,

and inctions. T way in which yourdaughtr says sothing can tll you orthan what sh is actually saying.

Activly giv your daughtr nonvrbaldback. Nod. Sil. Rais your ybrows.

Look surprisd. Ts sall signals anor than you raliz. Ty will ncouragyour child to opn up vn or and lt youinto hr li.

T last stp to listning is spaking. Butbor you giv a rspons, say, Lt

ak sur I undrstand... thn rstat inyour own words what your daughtr has toldyou. Tis provs you wr listning. It alsogivs your daughtr th opportunity to say,Ys, that is it xactly, or No, what I rallyan is this...




- 2 -She Needs to kno You Thin

She Is Beautiul, Inside and Out.Whn it cos to daughtrs sl-iag, dads ar a hug inu-

ncand it gos dpr than apparanc. Girls l prssur

to b sart, thin, prtty, and involvd in crtain activitis.

Dads hav th ability to cobat ths prssurs and ak

thir daughtrs l bautiul, insid and out.

Lets start ith your daughters

body image.

Soe daughters have told us that they

elt unloved by their dads because o all

the coents ro their dads aboutexercise and ood.

most outsid inuncs in our daugh-

trs livsro V and th ovis

to agazins to thir prsgloriy

won who ar thin, without vn an

ounc xtra in th wrong placs. W

also liv in a world that otntis

placs or phasis on a girls outr

bauty than on hr innr bauty.

Unlss a childs ho li cobats ths prssurs, this nvi-

ronnt can lad to all kinds o inscuritis and disordrs.




Part o your job as a dad is to b concrnd or your chil-

drns long-tr halth. Taching a child to ak halthy

nutritional choics and xrcis habits is iportant, and dads

should join thir daughtrs in ating wll and bing physi-cally activ. But dads must never criticize their daughters

body shape or appearance. Nvr. Not vn i th child dos

nd to los wight.

Bor anything ls, always afr your daughtr as uniqu

and bautiul and highly valud.

I your daughtr dos, in act, nd to los wight or halth

rasons, ocus on bing halthy. Nvr cont on hr wight

or how sh looks. Instad, talk about aking halthy listyl

choics.

Instad o tlling your daughtr to at or vgtabls so thatsh can los wight, say things lik, I want our amily to eat

more vegetables so we have more energy and live longer.

I nd b, hav a copassionat al doctor talk to your

daughtr about how hr wight rlats to hr halth, but

rbr that th ocus should always b on halth and noton apparanc. Othrwis, your daughtr will bgin to bliv

that hr physical qualitis ar as iportant (or or ipor-

tant) than hr non-physical qualitis.




Speaing o non-physical qualities, mae sure you

afrm your daughters positive attributes.

Go ahad and coplint your daughtr whn sh has takncar to look attractiv, just as you would a son who has intn-

tionally spnt ti aking sur h looks handso. But or

iportant is your ability to coplint hr othr qualitis,

lik otional strngth, sns o huor, loyalty, intllignc,

and courag. mak it clar that what you lov ost about your

daughtr ar hr non-physical qualitis, and that vn withouthr physical aturs, you would still lov hr just as uch.

I your daughtr tlls a unny jok, say, I so lucky to hav a

daughtr with such a grat sns o huor.

I sh dos sothing kind or a sibling, say, I sur a proud

o y daughtr or trating othrs with such rspct.

I sh stands up to a bully, say, Wow. I adir you or bing

so couragous!

Its alost ipossibl to ovrdo vrbal afrations. Opn

your hart to your child, s hr, and tll hr how bautiul shis on th insid.




Remember that physical assurance is

also important.

For any dads, physically afring thir

daughtrs is a bit scary, particularly as thir

daughtrs grow and bgin ntring pubrty.

Dad, lt assur you: or than vr, your

daughtr nds your afrations in ways

sh can physically l. Without physical

action, your daughtr ight think youdont car or that sothing is wrong with hr, particularly

i you usd to b actionat but hav withdrawn action as

your daughtr has grown oldr.

I you ar coldphysically or othrwisto your daughtr,

sh will go looking or action and warth in othr placs,and ths ight not b halthy or appropriat placs.

So look or appropriat ways to donstrat action: a kiss

on hr orhad, an ar around hr shouldr, or a squz o

hr hand. And sh ay not adit it, but sh still nds big

bar hugs, too.

Next, get involved in her pursuits.

What causs laughtr and sillinss in your daughtr? What

brings that ischivous grin to hr ac, or aks hr all on

th oor in convulsions o hilarity? Find out, and thn capital-

iz on it or th bnt o your rlationship.




Show that sh is worth invsting your ti and nrgy.

Show hr that you lik sing hr happy. Spnd ti just

hanging out togthr, and b intntional about bringing un

and huor to hr li. I sh liks to cook, hlp hr ak upcrazy concoctions lik grasshoppr-gut oatal (rgular old

oatal with grn ood coloring). I shs an athlt, attnd

hr sporting vnts. I shs a girly girl, coplint hr

ashion choics.

Look or activitis th two o you can njoy togthr. Youcould spnd ti playing usic, caping, nishing word

puzzls, playing coputr gas, jogging, playing sotball, or

whatvr clicks or th two o you. And rbr to look

or an advnturbig or sallthat only a dad can do with

his kids. On dad I know took a ountain-clibing trip in

Colorado with his tnag daughtr. Anothr cratd a racbtwn his kids to s who could chang a car tir th astst.

I know it s tough whn our daughtrs hav dirnt intrsts,

and ost o us dont undrstand th al sx that wll in th

rst plac. But alost no on ts prctly into gndr stro-

typs. I guarant that you can nd so inin intrstsand your daughtr can nd so asculin intrsts that

th two o you can njoy togthr. I challenge you to be cre-

ativeand even make sacrices i necessaryto nd that

common ground with your daughter. Find un activitis and

sall or big advnturs that allow you to spnd ti togthr,

and good things ar bound to happn.




Finally, demonstrate condence in her abilities.

You ight shar sothing your working on and ask hr

opinion. You could giv hr a challnging assignnt andxprss trust that sh can handl it. ach hr how to do

adult things, lik changing th oil or xing at tirs.

I your daughtr knows that you think o hr as a utur

achivr, hr whol outlook on th utur can chang. Litr-ally, it shaps hr dstiny. It will srv hr wll in rlationships,

in hr ducation, and in carr pursuits.

YOUR HOMEwORk:

1. Vrbally point out th positivsat last six orsvn tis or otn than you ocus on th

things sh nds to iprov. Point out qualitiso hr innr bauty or than physical bauty.

2. Block o ti on your calndar to hav lunch

with your daughtr, whthr shs two or twnty.

3. On a spcial holiday, writ your daughtr a lttr

listing spcically what you apprciat about hr.I shs too young to rad it, sav it until shsoldr.

4. Find an activity she enjoys and do it together.

Does she like to dance? Perhaps you could takean evening ballroo dancing class. I she likes

volleyball or tennis, ake it a tradition to play a




gae weekly. Let e re-ephasize: Get involved

in something she enjoys and is interested in

doing.Tis ight require you to stretch a bit and

learn soething new. Reeber, the idea is orher to look orward to it.

5. ry asking your daughtr thr qustions that

V nws anchor Dian Sawyr rbrs hr

athr asking hr:

What do you lov?

Whr is th ost advnturous plac you

could do it?

How can you us it to srv othr popl?

6. Ask your daughtr to tach you sothing shnjoys, and b coittd to rally larning it.




- 3 -She Needs You to Cast a Positive Vision

without Placing Expectations.Vision has to do with th attituds a dad convys about

who his daughtr is and what sh can bco. All dads giv

vision to thir childrn, good or bad. Whn it cos to casting

vision, thr isnt uch iddl ground. Whil so athrs

giv blssing and approval, othrs crat a danding ho,

condning atosphr, or pssiistic nvironnt.

I w arnt intntionallypositive in th way w inunc our

childrns utur, thn its a nt ngativ. And bing ngativ

or uncrtain about your daughtrs utur can b dvastating.

Here are some examples o a negative vision ...

A ngativ vision can b downright danding: No kid o

in is going to co ho with a rport card with Cs on it.

T only ribbon accptabl is a rst-plac ribbon.

It can also be condening: I know you are lying to e. Youreturning into a liar!

Or, it can b pssiistic and discouraging: Dont worry about

doing wll in gotry; boys ar bttr at ths subjcts.

Its likly shll associat ath with inadquacyand ayb

all hr classs will sur.




On th othr hand, a positiv vision allows childrn to s th

good in thir actions and thir charactr.

Here are some examples o a positive vision

Stating th positiv is asy whn you truly bliv your child is

doing sothing positiv. Wow! Look at your ar. You rally

can throw a ball ar.

You got v As and on B. You ust b so proud. I know I

a!

But iagin that your child is crying about sothing trivial.

Sh isnt isbhaving; you just think shs bing ovrly snsi-

tiv. evn thn,your job is to cast a positive vision. Instad

o calling hr a baby or chastising hr, you can nd sothing

positiv to say.

You ight say, You hav such a snsitiv hart. I bt you will

nd up hlping a lot o popl in your liti.

You ight look at a rport card and s a w lss-than-stllar

grads. You know that your daughtr trid hard, but acadia

isnt hr strngth.

Instad o idiatly ocusing on hr wakr subjcts, you

could say, Wow! You ar doing grat in crativ writing. I

not surprisd. I bt you could ntrtain th world with your

short storis. I know I always lov it whn you tll storis!

(O cours, i your daughtr is rally struggling, you ight




hav to talk to hr about hr study habits, but your rstrspons should b a positiv on. And subsqunt convrsa-tions should co ro concrn and ncouragnt.)

In any littl ways, our daughtrs ar asking us, What am Igood at, Dad? What do you see in me?W nd to b radywith words o hop and prois.

Whn w ncourag our childrn to think big, wr givingth sl-condnc or th utur and jup-starting thir

journy toward thir tru potntial.

Casting a positiv vision includs hlping to prpar yourdaughtr or hr utur roantic rlationships.

As uch as w would lik to choos who our daughtrswill dat and vntually arry, w ar not aking ths dci-

sions. So, ro a young ag, w nd to ocus on prparing ourdaughtrs to ak wis choics. W do this in two ways.

First, tach your childrn about bcoing th right prson alot or than nding th right prson. Your daughtr dosntnd to b out looking or mr. Right all day long. Instad,

kp hr ocusd on bcoing a young woan o charactr.

Tn, whn that young an shows up, your daughtr will brady and abl to spot thos qualitis that would ak hi agood partnr.

T scond way you can prpar your daughtr is through your

xapl.




You are the main man when it comes to setting her expecta-

tions or how other young men treat her.Whn sh bgins

dating and thinking about what sh wants in a husband, do

you want hr to sttl or a rlationship that is rly okay?On that ay not b a sourc o ral contntnt or joy, but

as long as sh can tolrat th guy and h is not abusiv, thn

sh will liv with that?

O cours not! You want hr to arry soon who trats hr

lik royalty! Soon who works to hav halthy counica-tion, rally listns and cars, givs hr gnuin coplints,

and considrs vry ont with hr to b prcious. I thats

what you want hr to xpctand not sttl or lssthn

thats xactly what you hav to odl or hr vry day.

Do this by showing your wi that you ar still had-ovr-

hls in lov with hr. At th sa ti, trat your daughtrs

(and your sons, or that attr) lik royalty.

And i you ar not arrid to your childrns othr, you ust

still trat your x with rspct.

By odling kindnss, rspct, and lov, you tach yourdaughtrs to dvlop halthy xpctations about all rla-

tionships. I mo and Dad trat ach othr wll, and thy

ar rspctul toward all popl in thir li, your childrn

will b or likly to dvlop bnvolnc toward rlation-

ships, and thy will walk away ro any rlationship that is

unhalthy.




YOUR HOMEwORk:

1. Dont ignor your daughtrs vocational utur.

Hlp hr discovr and dvlop hr gits andtalnts, andwithout prssur or xpctations

talk about so occupations or li pursuits

thos ight turn into soday.

2. each and vry day, ak a point to sit with

hr in hr roo and giv hr th chanc to talk

or at last v inuts straight, without any

intrruptions, as sh shars about hr day. Just

listn. Tn b rady to shar i sh asks about

your day.

3. Siply ask your daughtr, What ar your

dras? whthr sh is svn, svntn, ortwnty-svn. Tn b rady to listn attntivly,

nod, and ncourag hr. evn i hr goals s

sowhat outlandish, convy optiis. Your

instinct ay b to downplay hr dras with

a dos o rality. But dont! Lt hr dra. ll

hr that anything is possibl, and thr ar grat

things in stor or hr.

4. evry day, convy your unconditional lov or

hr. mak sur sh knows sh dosnt hav to

achiv to win your approval. You lov hr no

attr what.




5. encourag your child

to b physically activ.

Rsarch shows that girls

who participat in sportsand physical activitis ar

lss likly to b obs, hav

hart disas, tak drugs,

b sxually activ, drop

out o school, and struggl

with dprssion.

6. You ar th standard sh

will us whn it cos

to choosing a husband.

So tak an honst look

at your own arriag.

Ar you controlling,

danding, or oody?

Or ar you considrat o

your wi? Do you do your

part around th hous? Do you show vidnc

o a loving and actionat arriag? Withyour wiand childrndo you counicat

opnly and ak yoursl availabl whn thy

nd to talk?

7. mak th Chapionship Fathring Coit-

nt atwww.athrs.co/c.
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- 4 -She Needs You to Protect Her,

and Not Just Physically.W typically think o protction as dnding our daughtrs

physical saty, but thr ar also otional, oral, and spiri-

tual dangrs out thr. I wr ullling our rol, our girls will

hav a sns o scurity vn whn w cant prsonally b thr

to protct th.

First, be aare and guard against the many orces that

could threaten her.

Tr ar popl who could try to lur

your daughtr into a dstructiv li-

styl, or who ncourag hr to adopt

a world-viw that dosnt atch with

your valus not to ntion that

sh could b xposd to violnc and

sx on V, th Intrnt, in usic, and

in ovis. You hav to b awar and

rady to tak appropriat action.

One dad I know was shocked to hear

that his daughters ninth-grade biol-

ogy teacher had played an R-rated

ovie in class. Supposedly, the

ovie was educational. Te girl was

ofended, and she asked her dad to




watch the l hisel. He, too, ound it ofensive and contraryto his belies, so he iediately wrote a two-page eo to theassistant principal, and he called his daughters teacher, trying

to show the why its unwise to show such ls to ninth grad-ers, who are certainly under the given age or R-rated ovies.He tried hard not to coe across as a senseless, angry parent,but he did see the need to be a little bit o a ather bear andtake action to deend his cub.

Second, prepare her to handle dangerous situations.

We cant always be there, but teaching our daughters skills isanother way o protecting the. We can talk through scenariosand help the think through appropriate responseswhetherits calling 9-1-1 or responding to strangers who ightapproach the.

Hav convrsations lik, What happns whn you li to arind?

Or, What do you suppos a tnag boy is thinking aboutwhn your rind wars an outt lik that?

W should prpar th to handl an uncoortabl datingsituation, or an adult who dos sothing inappropriat. Wnd to tach th how to say no.




YOUR HOMEwORk:

Dos your daughtr trust you to protct hr?

I not, you canbuild that kind o relationshipduring everyday interactions. Hold hr hand as

sh crosss th strt. mak sur sh wars a sat

blt. Giv hr a curw. Warn hr about drugs

and alcohol. each ti you say or do sothing

to kp hr sa, your building trust. Shs

larning that you car and sh can count on you.

During tis o worry or crisis, b thr to hold

your daughtr tight and whispr in hr ar, I

hr. Its gonna b okay. Tn b willing to stay

thr as long as it taks and hlp hr through th

challng.




- 5 -She Needs You to wal the Fine Line.

On orning so yars ago, I was driving y thr oldstchildrn to t th school bus. Ty wr in grad school.

Ty wr in th back sat, and on this particular day ydaughtrs wr talking about who wor what to school, andthy wr wishing thy could war th dsignr labls that

so othr kids wor.During this ti, thr had bn storis on th nws aboutpopl who killd ach othr or a crtain brand o sho orjackt. my kids wr growing up in this crazy nvironnt,and I rally blivd that thy had lost thir inds. So kidsdidnt vn own or than on pair o cloths, and y kids

wantd dsignr labls?

In that ont, I startd worrying about vrything thycould gt involvd in: drugs, alcohol, sx, and a gratr ocuson atrial things.

Tos thoughts wr churning in y had, and in a onto what I would lik to bliv was rightous angr, I stoppdth car, turnd it around, and said, Wr not going to schooltoday; wr going back ho.

W had to talk about so things. Ty wr a littl bitshockd, so I think thy listnd to prtty wll. Tn I

took th to school latr on.




Tats on ti whn I bca awar o how th cultur can

snak up on us. W dont notic it so uch, but thn w hav

a wak-up xprinclik I did that daywhr w s or

har sothing and w ask, How did this happn?

Did I ak th right choic that day? I think I did. And I

want to ncourag you, Dad, to stay watchul and conront

tough issus as thy aris.

urn th car around. Hav a hart-to-hart talk. Go or a

on-on-on capout. ak a issions trip with your son ordaughtr. I know on dad and tnag daughtr who volun-

trd to work at a soup kitchn onc or twic a wk or a

whol sur. T dad wantd to xpos hr to a sid o li

sh hadnt sn and hlp ta hr atrialis.

Dads, i our kids ar givn th opportunity, sotis thywill los thir inds. Part o our coaching rol is to bring

th back to arth. Your daughtr nds you to guid hr. But

sh also nds you to walk a n lin. Your guidanc should b

or than siply stting a n xapl, but it should not b

an ndlss stra o lcturs.

Guiding ans discerningwhats right in th idst o all th

gray aras in our cultur.

Young won ar undr a lot o prssur to look, act, and

b a crtain wayto aintain a crtain iag. Ty also ac

xpctations with rgard to thir utur aspirations. Otn,




dads can bring an analytical approach to hlp clariy th pic-

tur and guid th along.

Our daughtrs nd th bnt o our xprinc and wisdo

as thy considr options and think through possibl cons-

quncs o thir choics. Discrnnt involvs aking wis

dcisions about lis choics. Its about siting through opin-

ion, acts, and knowldg, and thn judging and xaining

that inoration so you can or a cohrnt conclusion. As

dads, its our job to odl discrnnt and thn quip ourdaughtrs to b discrning as thy ac tough choics and pr

prssur.

Lts say, or instanc, that your daughtrs bst childhood

rind is th school nrd, Lsli. Othr kids ar starting to

tas your daughtr or bing rinds with Lsli. Your daugh-

tr tlls you that shs not sur sh should invit Lsli to hrbirthday party.

You ight b tptd to lctur hr about any nubr o

things, including:

making dcisions or hrsl,

Bing a ladr vrsus bing a ollowr, and

Bing kind to hr rinds.

Instad, hlp hr discrn right ro wrong by asking qustions

lik:



5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD

Doyou lik Lsli?

How do you think it would ak Lsli l iyou didnt invit hr?

Do you think th othr kids ar bingconsidrat?

What would happn i you startd ltting thothrs kids ak dcisions on your bhal?

What i th rols wr rvrsd and you wrlabld a nrd? Would you want Lsli to invityou to hr party?

Otn, you can guid hr through th ollow-up qustions youask. Your still hlping to shap hr thinking, but it dosntco across as a lctur, and sh ay l a sns o acco-

plishnt at coing to a sound conclusion at last partiallyon hr own.

W can also guid through correction.

Ultiatly, corrcting bhavior is th goal o disciplin. You

want your daughtr to shit hr bhavior to sothing di-

rnt. Enforcing limits and consequences is important,

but we must also communicate why a daughters behavior

is being corrected. I you do not draw a lin btwn action

and consqunc, your child will not hav an opportunity to

sl-corrct.



5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD5 Things Every Kid MUST GET from DAD

Whn you think about disciplin issus and how you rspond,

dont sttl on snap judgnts and quick answrs. Co up

with consquncs and xprincs that will hlp shap your

childs charactr and chang hr hart. Tos onts ooolishnss and disobdinc ar rally opportunitis or your

child to larn and grow. mak th ost o th.

For instanc, i your child loss hr cll phona cll phon

that you paid ortll hr that sh ust ithr rpay you or

purchas a rplacnt cll phon using hr own ony. Iyour toddlr draws on th walls, hav hr clan th walls, tll

mo what sh did, and thn apologiz.

And remember that you do not have the right to belittle your

daughter in the process.You ust show hr rspct, vn in

hr worst onts, and no attr how sh ight trat you.How w carry out corrction aks all th dirnc.

Tink about this: I on o your rinds wr in a bad ood,

you wouldnt start ylling at hi to shap up. Youd nvr say

sothing lik, I cant bliv I hav to put up with this ro

you, you israbl brat!Surly our daughtrs dsrv at last that uch considr-

ation.




YOUR HOMEwORk:

1. monitor your daughtrs dia habits: watchwhat sh watchs on V or onlin; chck out

ovis bor sh watchs th; larn aboutusic artists bor sh downloads songs oralbus.

2. encourag your daughtr to b in rlationshipswith oldr girls and won who ar a positivinunc on hr.

3. Nxt ti your daughtr has a probl or asksor your opinion about sothing, rspondonly in qustions to hlp hr think throughth situation (but o cours, your qustions arhlping to guid hr to a positiv solution.)

4. Sit down with your childs o at a ti whnthings ar cal, and co up with a plan orsituations whr your daughtr nds corrction.Tat way, you wont b aking things up as yougo nxt ti sothing happns.

Dad, you ar a trndous and vital rsourc to ting thsv nds in th li o your daughtr. Ts nds ar notliitd by ag, but anist thslvs in hart o a littl girland continu on throughout hr adult livn in hr ownarriag rlationship.



5Five Things Every Son

MUST GET rom DAD

sInce you used to b a boy, you ight hav a or natural

copanionship with your sons than your daughtrs; you ar

probably or alik, and you ight njoy or o th sa

activitis.

Oddly nough, vnthough it ight b as-

ir to build rapport with

your son, you ight hav

a distant rlationship.

Building a clos connc-

tion with sons rquirsintntion, as dos giving

th a halthy odl

o what it ans to b a

boy, an, and athr.

Hr ar v ky things

that your son nds royou




- 1 -He Needs a Living Example.

Your son nds rrnc points, and you srv as your sonsxapl o a an. Living a rsponsibl listyl can ipact

your childrn and childrns childrn or gnrations. Tats

th kind o powr your xapl can hav.

A dads xapl rally ncopasss all aspcts o li. But

lt ntion a w aras whr you nd to b intntionalabout odling:

First, set the example or expressing emotions

responsibly.

Whil thrs bn a lot o progrss in th last w dcads,

any n dont think o otional vulnrability as a as-culin trait. A lot o dads hid thir otions, as i having

an otion aks a prson

wak. But sons nd to s

thir athrs lings; its a

vital part o who thy ar.

So instad o shutting down

whn you l nrvous or

ashad, look or ways

to opn up. Stay ngagd

with your aily brs

and larn halthy ways o




xprssing otions. It ay tak ti,

but its sothing you ust larn. At

rst, you can start by writing nots or

lttrs to aily brs, and thngo ro thr.

Or, start by talking to anothr dad.

Find so othr n who ar good

odls o thiswhthr in your

xtndd aily, your nighborhood,or your local church. alk about what

happns during tis o ral prs-

sur and challng as it rlats to th

otional sid o your li, and thn

dvlop skills you can us at ho.

Second, learn to regulate angerand other negative

emotions.

Rsarch shows that ost n ar coortabl showing just

on otion. Guss what it is?

Anger.

Iagin i this is th only otion your swt son can show.

Considr what this ans or his utur rlationships!

my rind, Jason, tlls o th splintrd ark in his tnag

sons bdroo door, just abov th handl. Jason dosnt hav a

short tpr, but on night h and his son wr ngagd in a




vrbal sparring atch. T son dcidd it was ovr, and Jason

was dtrind that it wasnt. T boy slad th door, and

Jason slad his st into th vnr o th door. H was

barrassdand vryon was shockd. o his crdit, hquickly apologizd.

maybe you can reeber the overwheling rustration o

having a baby who kept crying and crying despite every sensible

thing you tried. Or aybe youre going through that right now.

Harvard rsarchr Saul Oshrson wrot, Angr is otn aathrs way o rsponding to th powrlssnss o parnting.

Isnt that tru? In any aras o our livs, w hav a sns o

control; or at last w know what to xpct ost o th ti.

But with our kids, so situations ar siply byond us. Wr

powrlss, and sotis clulss.

Hr is sothing that ight sound ailiar: At ho atr a

trribl day at work, you ask your son to pick up his toys bor

dinnr. H dosnt listn. Your too tird or this. Cant h just

oby you this onc? You ask again. No rspons. You rais your

voic, and now h hars you, but whins bcaus h dosntwant to coply.

Your idiat rspons is angr. So how do you rgulat it?

Hr ar so suggstions ro various xprts.

1. First, gt away. Say you hav to us th

rstroo, or go or a walk. Onc your alon, do




sothing to chang your ood to positiv. Prayor patinc and wisdo. Tink about th joythat your son has brought you, rcall his sns

o huor, or his gntlnss, or so othr git.Kp ocusing on th positivs until you knowth chanc or an outburst has subsidd.

2. Scond, us sl-talk. Rpat words and phrassto hlp cal yoursl down. For xapl, youight say or think to yoursl: Hold on, big guy.

You are losing it. Dont do something oolish here.Or rpat a sipl phras (r but plasantis on o y avorits) or rpat a quick prayrasking or hlp.

3. Whn you ar nally rady to conront th child

again, choos statnts that xprss pathy andsadnss. Tis puts th rsponsibility back on yoursons shouldrs. You could say, H, its toobad that you didnt clan up your toys lik I askd.You ust l bad about that. Now you ar goingto iss out on sothing un. What do you thinkthat should b? Your son ight or a rasonablpunishnt, but o cours you should b radyto suggst an appropriat consqunc i ndd,such as issing dssrt, losing V-ti, or binggroundd ro playing with his avorit toy.

Tat way your not pointing at th child, your partnring

with hi.




I your angr habits ar dply ingraind and you cant ak

any progrss in this araor i your angr is gtting dstructiv

toward yoursl or othrsit ay b ti to gt prossional

hlp. A copassionat, traind prossional can or insights,ncouragnt and otivation to hlp you.

Along ith modeling or your sons emotional lie,

your son also needs you to set the example or hat it

means to respect omen.

On day, mik was outsid in th yard, talking with a nigh-bor boy. T boy, who was about tn, told mik that h had a

nw girlrind.

miks rst rspons was, Is sh prtty?

At th ti, miks qustion sd harlss nough, but th

or h thought about it, th or h ralizd that in that




bri ont h had just classid looks as or iportant

than about a dozn charactr traits that ar actually o uch

gratr iportanc.

Boys gt ost o thir idas about won and how to rlat

to won ro thir dads and th ky athr gurs in thir

livs. So with that in ind, ask yoursl: What ar y words

and actions taching y son?

Do you want your sons to s won as objcts? o valu

won only or thir apparanc? You ay think thos hab-its dvlop during adolscnc, butlik so any charactr

traitsthy ar rally larnd uch arlir.

Dad, us your powrul inunc to odl rspct or

wonto your sons, th boys in your nighborhood, and

vn othr n. Donstrat that won ar to b valud orthir ascinating charactr, thir intllignc and intgrity, and

th inin prsonality traits that coplnt and coplt

our asculin approach to things.

Being a healthy role model is particularly true or

athers ho have experienced a amily brea-up.

For divorcd dads, bing a good odl ans daling posi-

tivly with lings toward an x-wi. I you ar divorcd,

rbr that your kids lov both you and your x. Ty dont

want to har thir othr blastd. No attr what sh is say-

ing or doing, you nd to rspct hr as th othr o your

childrn.




What dos it say to your son i you blast his othr? Whatdos it say about th sanctity o sx and lov i you rpatdlytll your son that you hat his othr? Kp this in ind,

particularly i your sons othr is istrating you.

aking th high road will always srv your wll. Your chil-drn will rspct you, and thy will dvlop a halthir attitudtoward roantic rlationships.

evn i you l lik things arnt air and your x is bing

vindictiv and unrasonabl, your bst cours o action isclar. You nd to aintain your pois, kp your dignity, anddo th right thing. many guys would go to th othr xtrand do sothing hurtul toward thir x. But you cant dothat.

Bing positiv vn in th ac o conict shows childrn howto handl advrsity. As hard as it is, this trains a boy to unc-tion in a tough situation and show rspct or popl at alltis.

On nal not: I your x-wi is opn to it, I suggst you skcounsling, not ncssarily to rpair your rlationship, but to

larn how to b strong co-parnts.

O cours, i you ar arrid, b a good odl.

Dad, your arriag is an iportant oundation or your son.H nds to s what a halthy, loving arriag looks lik. Soak yours strong! Show rspct to your brid and ncourag

your kids to honor hr as wll.




Its hard to connct with your wi whn th ost prssing

nds s to b th kids. But, n, I cant afr nough th

iportanc o your arriag. Its vital that you nurtur that

rlationship. You do nd rgular counication ti withyour brid to catch up on your day, talk through issus, discuss

th kids, and just njoy ach othrvn i it ans tlling

your childrn to lt you b alon or 15 inuts soti in

th vning.

Its good or childrnto s that thir parnts

valu and dnd thir

ti togthr. Childrn

draw grat scurity and

condnc ro sing

you valu your arriag,which is th oundation

o th whol aily.

And dont orgt to lav th kids with grandparnts or a baby-

sittr or a rgular dat night or a wknd away. T kids ay

protst, but thyll gt usd to it, and in th long run, thy willtak coort in sing your coitnt to ach othr and

to th aily. Its worth your invstnt o ti and ony.




YOUR HOMEwORk:

1. modl couragous huility or your son.

Whnvr you do sothing that hurts hi

or aks hi l lt outor i thrs so

lingring hurt in th pastgo to hi hubly,

ask or orgivnss, and coit to do bttr in

th utur.

2. Incras th aount o vrbal afration you

giv to your son. Consciously striv to notic andprais what h dos wll. Bco coortabl

saying things lik, I lov you, Son, just th way

you ar. And nothing you vr do will chang

that.

3. mak yourChapionship Fathring

Coitnt, and tll your son that you plan

to b a grat dad. ll hi to call you out any

ti you drop th ball.

4. Onc a day, call your wi ro work just to

chck in. Tat will hlp crat an xpctancy and

atosphr or counication whn you gtho, and youll hav so ida o whats going

on at ho bor you walk in th door.

5. Ask your childrns othr what you can do

to hlp rliv so o th strss shs ling,

thn ak it your goal to hlp hr addrss that
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issu. And tak a lading rol in gtting your son

involvd in that task or chor as wll.

6. rain your son to look or ways to srv hisothr and othr won: holding doors,oring his jackt, giving up his sat, holding

or oring an ubrlla, tc. Rward hi ornding nw ways to xprss good, old-ashiond

chivalry. Ask hi to point out whn you dropth ball in this ara.

7. mak it a point to show apprciation or yourwi in ront o your son. ll hr how sh

aks you a bttr an and athr. B spcic.Tink o v things youv larnd ro hr

ovr th yars and thank hr or hr partnrship,

caring and insight.8. mak th Chapionship Fathring

Coitnt atwww.athrs.co/c.
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- 2 -He Needs a Four-Part Plan.

Dad, do you hav a plan to hlp your son bco a ral an?

Youv hard th axi: i you ail to plan, you ay as wllplan to ail. Your son nds a dad who is thinking about hisutur and taking action to prpar th or that uturwhthr wr talking about toorrow, nxt wk, nxt yar,

or tn yars ro now.Tis consists o:

1. Vocational planning

2. Rlationship planning

3. Rits o passag

4. Skills, attituds, and valus planning

You can help your son plan or his vocational uture by:

Hlping hi xplor a wid varity o intrsts

and hobbis. Is h gitd at usic? Has h bnto spac cap? Is h a suprstar athlt? Hwont know unlss h tris.

evn with a young son, you can start plantingidas in his ind about th kinds o carrs thatight go with his intrsts and talnts. Dont

ocus on just on carr path, and do all you can




to avoid prssuring hi. Siply sk to hlp hilarn and xplor. Its good or hi to larn arlyon that his skills and intrsts can translat into

a prossion or a li calling. Hlping your son brainstor about carr

possibilitis, and thn xposing hi to jobs thatight intrst hi. You can do this wll borhigh school. I h wants to b surgon, s i youcan tak a tour o a hospital and ask a surgon

qustions about his lin o work.

Showing hi th varity o jobs within anindustry. I h liks usic, point out that thrsuch or to it than proring. H couldb a sound tchnician, or a producr. H could

work in radio, or h could b a coposr. Sochildrn do grow up to b sports stars, but hcould also b a coach, sports journalist, or play-by-play announcr. So childrn do bcoovi stars, but th ovi industry also ndslighting tchnicians, scrnwritrs, st dsignrs,

ak-up artists, and so on. rying not to talk ngativly about your own

work. Tos conts undr your brath aka big iprssion, and shap your sons idasabout work. You should want your son to lovhis job, vn i you dont lov your job. Tink

o sothing positiv to say about your job so




that your son blivs that work can b un. Youcould vn tak your kid to work with you sothat h can witnss rst-hand your coitnt

to intgrity as an ploy. Hlping your child s th opportunitis in

ront o hi. Your son probably isnt thinkingabout ways h can start building his carr whilin junior high or high school, but h can. I hliks to skat, or xapl, h could b a skating

tachrs assistant or gt a part ti job at thrink.

encouraging an ntrprnurial spirit. Tosbaby-sitting and lawn-owing jobs tach yourkids that both ti and ort hav thir rwards.

evn young childrn can bgin to larn this byhlping at your sur garag sal. Sur, notvry lonad stand will b a hug succss,but thos stbacks can b vn or valuabllarning opportunitis. Why didnt it work?What could h do dirntly nxt ti?

Kping dras aliv. Your son ight not havwhat it taks to b th nxt michal Phlps, butncourag his dras nonthlss. Plnty oothr popl will tll hi th cold-hard acts,but h has at last two popl who bliv inhi unconditionally: you and his o. Instad,

instill an optiistic spirit about th utur that




is groundd in ralis. alk to your son aboutwhat it taks to bco an Olypic swir,look at th stats togthr, and st goals or your

son to t. In that kind o atosphr, vnsingly ipossibl dras can bco arality or your son.

Bing in touch with your sons studis. Tactivitis and curricula in schools ar divrsnough that youll b abl to idntiy strngths

and intrsts. Whats on his ind atr school?What ar his avorit classs, and why? And bsur, talk to tachrs, coachs and counslors.ak advantag o assssnt toolsthaptitud, prsonality, and carr tstsanddiscuss th positiv rsults with your child. Ask,

Did you know that you possss this skill? Whatdo you think about it?

Then theres his relational uture.

Dad, dont lav your son to larn ths things ro hisrinds or so ns agazin h picks up. Giv hi accu-

rat inoration. Hlp hi rally undrstand th iportanco intgrity, purity, and rspct or won, and that youravailabl to talk anyti. You can hlp hi plan or a halthyrlationship by:

alking about what to look or in a at,

discussing what it taks to ak a arriag




work, and having rgular discussions about howh rlats to th opposit sx.

encouraging hi to dvlop

positiv rlationships withvryoncoachs, rinds,siblings, bosss, and tachrs.I h trats his rinds poorly,hll likly trat a spouspoorly, so b sur to look or

signs that your son is not agood rind. I h isnt, usthis as an opportunity tocorrct bhavior.

Pointing hi toward

rindships that inspirhi to b his bst. Prsplay a powrul rol in hisli, and you can inunchis dcisions about rindsthrough th quality o your

own rlationship with hiand by gtting to know hisrinds and what thy standor.

alking about what lov is. It otn involvsstrong otions, but its or about a stadast

coitnt and a dcision to srv and sk




hr bst intrstsvn whn th otions tak

a tporary backsat. early on, your son nds

to larn about th iportanc o protcting a

young woans intgrity and wll-bing.

Giving hi a long-rang prspctiv. most

likly, a tnag rlationship will not turn into a

arriag. So, why gt srious with anyon? Its

uch bttr to work at a strong rindship. I it

dos bco srious, that rindship will b thbst prparation anyway.

alking spcically about boundaris. Whats

appropriat with physical action? What about

risky bhaviors involving drugs or alcohol that

could aris? T strotyp is or th boy to

convinc th girl to do sothing sh shouldnt,

but it dos happn th othr way around

sotis.

Sharing so o your own xprincs. ailor

th discussion basd on your childs aturity

lvl, but shar lssons you larnd and thstoris bhind th. Bing opn will also hlp

you build a strongr rlationship.

Third, give some thought to rites o passagebncharks

along th way that hlp signal nw lvls o aturity and

rsponsibility, and that afr hi as a blovd son.




Iagin this scnario: Your out in th country with your

ourtn-yar-old son, coing back ro soons hous.

You pull th car ovr to th sid o th dsrtd dirt road and

turn o th ignition.

Dad, whats going on? your son asks.

You tak th car kys and dangl th in ront o his ac.

Son, you say, why dont w trad placs?

Your son gts a look on his ac that is lation cobind

with ar. H gts bhind th whl, and you dont vn hav

to rind hi to buckl his sat blt. H starts th car and

rvs it a w tis. His lt hand tris to nd just th right

plac on th whl; his right hand grips th stick shit. H

fashs you a sil, slips th car into gar, and both o yourharts rac as you spin down th road. You hav couni-

catd that you trust hi with your carand actually with

your vry li!

It is a athrs uniqu privilg to bring his son through various

rits o passag. mayb youll gt hi up arly on Saturday togo out to brakast with you and your adult rinds. mayb it

will b th rst ti you lt hi stay ho without a baby-

sittr whil you and your wi go out o town or a w days.

Or th rst ti you trust hi with your crdit card or your

lctric razor. Or whn you tak hi down to opn his rst

chcking account.




Ts ar big onts or

all boys and, as athrs, w

nd to b thr to shar

th.

I suppos a drivrs duca-

tion instructor could tach

hi to driv just as wll ...

anothr dad in th nigh-

borhood could hlp hichck th oil in th car or

chang his rst tir. But

thrs sothing dirnt, sothing spcial about a boy

larning ths things ro his athr. You ar your sons a-

suring stick or anhood. And thr ar any ways you can

tll hi, I proud o th way your growing into a youngan.

Ts rit o passag onts should happn continually

along th journy. Signicant vnts should b clbratd

with nw privilgs and rsponsibilitis. Crat opportunitis

to talk with hi about what it ans to b a an. What ar

th arks o tru anhood? Hlp hi rcogniz popl in th

world who ar gtting it right or issing th ark.

You could:

ak a trip togthr to hav un and talk about

what it ans to b a an.




Whn your son rachs a ilston, giv hia gita plaqu, a book, or ayb sothingthat your athr gav you. alk to hi about th

signicanc o that git and your hops or hisgrowing aturity.

Work togthr at a local soup kitchn or hlpclan an innr-city nighborhood. Donstratthat anhood includs srving othrs.

On a caping trip, talk about appropriat guidlins or dat-ing and rsponsibl sxuality. B opn about your li, andinvit hi to ask qustions.

Also, Id suggest listing some sills, attitudes, and

values to instill in your son by the time he leaves home.

Look spcically at what you want to dvlop in your son. Doa littl brainstoring to crat a list.

In th catgory oskills, considr adding thollowing: Balancing a chckbook, accptingcriticis and corrction, prayr, prsonal halth

and clanlinss, ho anagnt, nancialanagnt, basic autoobil upkp, ssntialskills or cooking, th ability to say no.

Whn considring his attitude, add thollowing to your list (assuing thy ariportant to you): A sns o huor,

prsvranc and dilignc, sl-rspct,




srvanthood, huility, thankulnss, an

apprciation or siplicity, a can-do spirit,

optiis.

With rspct to his values, think about: Honsty,

rspct or privacy, odsty, th valu o hard

work, apprciation or th arts, a lov o larning,

courag, prsonal intgrity, aily togthrnss.

Rviw your list ro ti to ti to hlp assss how your son

is progrssing in ach ara. Brainstor with your wi aboutso ways you can tach hi a particular skill or valu. Youll

want to avoid placing unralistic xpctations, but ncourag

his growth and dvlopnt at th sa ti.




YOUR HOMEwORk:

1. ak your son to tour a workplac o a carr h

ight lik to pursu soday.

2. ll your son v good things about your work.

3. Hlp your son with a lonad stand, garag

sal, or owing ntrpris.

4. ll your son about whn you t his o andso highlights (and lowlights) ro your dats

togthr.

5. Writ hi a lttr blssing hi and oring

your thoughts about this stag in his li,

including your own oris about what

you wr doing whn you wr that ag.

6. Crat a list o skills, attituds, and valus you

hop your son dvlops.

7. ll your son about a skill your athr taught you.

Tn ask, What would you lik to larn ro?

8. Choos a valu or principl thats iportant to

you and brainstor or a spcic way you can

hlp your son apprciat or grow in that ara.




- 3 -He needs moral and spiritual benchmars.

Spiritual bncharks ar vnts, xprincs, or habits thathlp to activat your sons aith and tach hi what it ans

to liv a li that looks out byond hisl. W can ocus on

thr aras that ar iportant to a sons oral dvlopnt:

Respect or authority: Dos your son rspond to authority in

a propr way? Dos h rspct thos who ar ovr hi? Sub-itting to authority will hlp tach your son huility.

At th National Cntr or Fathring, w rcntly rcivd an

-ail ro a dad saying, I a concrnd or y 12-yar-

old sons attitud toward his othr. Sohow h and I hav

iprovd our rlationship sinc h ntrd this ag, but ywi is ling that hr rlationship with hi is dtriorating.




H barly spaks to hr, and any convrsation sh tris to hav

with hi nds up in an argunt. Is this noral?

mayb this boy is rcting so attituds o his rinds. Or,

h ight b trying to sparat hisl ro bing a oas

boy and org ahad into what h thinks is a or clar-cut

asculinity. Or, h ay b adopting so o th disrspct

that h has watchd his athr odl toward his othr.

Dads nd to conront thir childrn about ipropr bhav-

iors and hold th accountabl, clarly stating, Tis isunaccptabl.

You ar your sons ain instructor about what a an is and

how h should act. I your son is bing disrspctul toward

an authority gur, sit down with hi, tll hi what youv

obsrvd, and xplain why that bhavior is wrong. I h con-tinus to act rudly, kp stablishing consquncs until his

bhavior changs.

Spiritual vitality: By xapl, sons will gain an apprciation

or prayr, worship, and othr acts o dvotion. many athrs

ar absnt ro quipping thir sons in this ara. And i boys

grow up without a asculin odl o spiritual vitality, thy

ay viw aith as a inin pursuit. But a ral an shows

copassion and strngth, huility and dcisivnss.

So whil you striv to odl subission, huility and lov,

you also nd to show your sons that walking by aith also

rquirs toughnss, rsourculnss, and courag.




In todays world, any dads work long hours, kids schduls

ar ja packd, and thr is just no rgular ti or xtndd

or rgular aily dvotions. But dads cant us that as an xcus.

I its iportant to you, ak sur it gts on th calndar, andollow through. I would also rcond on-on-on tis

with ach o your kids, whr you rad and discuss Scripturs

and chck in about how thyr doing and what challngs

thyr acing.

In addition, gt crativ and invst ral ti by grabbing bitsand pics o li hr and thr.

Whn driving your son to and ro school or

gas, talk about things happning in your li

and his, and ask hi how h has sn God at

work around hi, or about rinds who ighthav spcic nds.

During als, try bringing up a qustion or

vryon to discussso challng thy ar

likly to ac. How did you handl that issu,

and how did it ipact your aith?

ak childrn along or routin rrands, and

show th how you oprat in th ral world.

Real-lie experiences o service: Giv your son any xpri-

ncs srving othrs, ro th aily whos car has brokn

down on th sid o th road ... to th innr-city projct or

holss shltr in your counity ... to th issions trip




to Brazil. mayb ths could vn b cobind with rits-o-

passag activitis with your son.

As a dad, you ust intntionally look or opportunitis thatwill hlp your son grow and strtch. mayb h can srv as a

cap counslor or voluntr at a local shltr or othr char-

ity. ak your son to hlp out at a snior car cntr; tutor a

disadvantagd child; work in a soup kitchn; sponsor a child

ovrsas. So o th ost proound li changs or tns

co during ission trips to third-world culturs, or charityprojcts in your nighborhood or city.




YOUR HOMEwORk:

1. Challng your son to nvr lt anothr studnt

sit alon in th school catria. H should takth initiativ to go ovr and sit by that studnt.

2. Gt your aily involvd in srvic-orintd

activitis on an ongoing basis: sponsoring a

ndy child, supporting a issions organization,

or hlping a aily you know who ay b in

nd.

3. encourag and assist youth workrs, coachs,

and othr ntors who ar invsting in your

sons li. Show apprciation or what thy do.

evn though you ar th on with priary

rsponsibility to train your son, thy arwondrul assts who can sotis gt through

to your son at tis whn you cant.




- 4 -He needs a respect-and-purity monitor.

Part o our work through th yars has includd hlping with

dvlopnt training or so playrs in th NFL. Ill nvr

orgt th day I was talking with on playr and trying to hlphi through a tough ti that was ad wors bcaus o his

drinking habit.

I askd hi, Whr did you rst tak a drink?

And he told e, I drank a beer with y dad when I was a kid.

I can rbr anothr ti whn a young an had bn

drinking, thn got in a car with his buddis and had an acci-dnt. All th othr guys in th car ithr did or had srious

injuris, but this young an ca out n, though h srvda short ti in jail. H ca to atrward to talk about it.

Again, I askd hi, Shoot straight. Whns th rst ti

you vr took a drink?

H said, With y dad.

most dads would nvr intntionally initiat thir son into

a potntially dstructiv habit lik this or hand thir child a

bottl o sothing dangrous. But thats xactly what canhappn i w arnt intntionally taching th rspct and

hlping th rain pur.




This is hy I say you must be a respect-and-purity

monitor.

many young n hav lost thir sns orespect, and it sp-cially shows in thir spch. Ty trash talk, curs, and ak

crud joks. Ty dnigrat won or us oul languag in

ront o childrn. Sowhr along th way, soon aild

to corrct thir bhavior.

monitor th way your sons ar talking, and tach th to us

thir spch or positiv ndslik articulating thoughts and

lings, building rlationships, giving ncouragnt, and

spaking words o li and pac.

ach hi how to rspct othr adultslooking th in th

y, shaking hands rly, spaking clarly, and vn using

Sir and maa.

I your son is disrespectul toward a woan, particularly his

other, hold hi accountably by saying, Tat is unacceptable.

Your other is y wie. You cannot talk to her like that. You are

your sons ain instructor about what a an is and how he should

act. Sit down with your son, tell hi what youve observed, andexplain why that behavior is wrong. I he continues to act rudely,

keep iposing consequences until his behavior changes.

Be sure, too, to do everything you can to help your son

protect his innocence and purity.




T ultiat goal is to rais a boy who has sl-disciplinan

intrnal strngth that hlps hi avoid lis pitalls and ak

wis choics, basd on solid valus. Tis includs:

Abstaining ro sx. alk to your son about

how putting th braks on his sx driv n

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