Theo Hughes-MorganRarely sighted in Trinity these days due to his high demand on the Drama Scene, this young Hugh Grant has spent more time on various stages in the past two years than Kerry Katona has spent on reality TV programmes. He can sing, he can act AND he’s funny – no wonder he’s a hit amongst the ladies.

Katie LamPresident of the Union, President of the May Ball and still manages to make it out to Cindies. Is there anything this girl can’t do?

Jonathan RichmondYou may not be able to recognise him around Trinity but Jonathan’s Computing activities are enough to make him a legend. His e-mails never fail to make Travisty’s day.

James Abbott-ThompsonA celebrity in his own right and big Union cheese, J.A.T. is known for speaking his mind. He makes, takes and shares gossip, which makes him a Travisty fave.

Emma ColliverTrinity’s resident party girl; Cindies on a Wednesday, Life on a Sunday, WPR on a Saturday and everything in between, this girl will be there dancing hard and doing Trinity proud.

Rob YoungMagpie Maverick, X Factor X-pert and model of this season’s TOPMAN collection, this guy sure makes us laugh (especially during Movember). If only he weren’t straight, Travisty would so love him as their GBF. Oh and apparently he’s like a big game show star now or something.

Will LawrensonMaking his way to the top of the gay-rarchy (yes, that is a real word) and general good-time guy, Will almost beats Colliver in Cindies appearances. Get an invite to one of his wild room parties and you’ll be sure to have an interesting night…

TCAFCWith the majority of their players on the Blues football team its no wonder TCAFC is one sports team that leads us to victory. Travisty can’t quite bring itself to unsubscribe from their mailing list so as not to miss out on their banterous e-mails. Alrite lads?

Anthony WoodmanLGBT dictator, devoted choirboy and Sweeny Todd director, Anthony has his fingers in many pies.

Josh ErdeJosh has been here so long he’s practically part of the furniture. Travisty has a particular soft spot for this awkward-but-charming Mathmo.

The MasterAstonomer royal, Former President of the Royal Society and all round genius. He will be sorely missed next year.

Ben WeiszHe’s got the backs of the Trinity male population as Welfare Officer, as well as regularly making us laugh in Magpie and of course, our very own Travisty.

Ali AbbasiOur token foreigner, German Ali has cast of the shackles of his ‘I make rascist jokes when I’m drunk’ days and is now making waves on the Rowing scene. Travisty has also heard that he looks good in just a top hat and underwear.

John HaidarHe directs loads of plays at the ADC. Cool.

Issue No 40

The Independent Trinity Newspaper since 2007

GOSSIP 5

DEBATE 6

CULTURE 7

Kindly sponsored

travisty.co.ukWednesday 1st February 2012

The Times gave you their TOP 100, Travisty gives you…

TRINITY’S TOP TWENTY

8

Move over Mrs Mills, Miss Advise is

bAck 4

Miss. T hits the WPR.

Continued on the next page...

2 IN BRIEF Wednesday 1st February 2012travisty.co.uk

George ShapterNot just a (very) pretty face, George impressed with his own art exhibition at The Shop last year. The Tab described his work as a ‘beautiful evocation of the sheer power of the natural world’; we just thought it was pretty cool.

Angela LiuIt would be a crime to not mention someone who got a double starred first and was named GTI TARGETjobs Arts and Humanities Undergraduate of the Year. This girl is probably the reason why we’re top of the Tompkins table.

Chris ScottAn unrecognizable name? Perhaps. But not for long. Travisty has made the discovery of a fresh face (with the help of the Tab) who plays the guitar, sings and writes his own music He even has his own proper website and everything. Travisty wants him to follow us around singing us songs.

Will CairnsThe only fresher who appears to have done anything vaguely scandalous (being a complete twat doesn’t count), puts Will on our list. He’s already made an impression on certain members of Trinity (and apparently further afield) in his short time here.

Ollie TwinamNo Trinity experience is complete without being the filling of the ‘Twinam Sandwich’. Whatever the weather, Twinam will be showing off his fine pair of legs in a pair of short shorts and flip-flops. Massive lad. (?).

Travisty. Natch.Trinity’s best (and only) student publication. Get the gossip before it even happens, laugh at our witty articles, ask for help from Miss. Advise or read it in the bar while you’re waiting for your toastie.

Letter from the EditorIt is with great pleasure and excitement that I introduce myself as Travisty’s new Editor. Ever since I started writing for Travisty under my college dad Jason, I knew that someday I’d like to get my hold on it and continue its reign of controversy, scandal and gossip. My Trinity legacy probably should be a bit more substantial than the girl who always wears lipstick and heels. Plus, how else was I going to keep myself out of the gossip pages?! So with the help of my talented writers, we hope to provide you with some great upcoming issues.

I would also like to welcome the rest of Travisty’s new Committee - Kate Pfeffer is taking on the role of my trusty Deputy Editor, first-year Oliver White is braving it as our new Features Editor and Lydia Reeves is taking the role of financial advisor as Treasurer.

As always, we are on the look out for new writers so please feel free to e-mail me at lucy.lassman@hotmail.com if you would like to get involved.

This edition sees the return of some old faces and the introduction of some new ones. I’m delighted to announce that Miss. Advise will be making her well-overdue comeback, Cosmo (Great Name) Godfree is to take the role of our new Culture Columnist, giving you on a windswept tour of everything Art related while Miss. T tells you all about the exclusive parties she’s been to this week. And finally, our favourite contributors you, our Travisty readers, will of course continue to have your starring roles.

Which leaves me with one thing left to say; enjoy!

Oneliners...This week, Travisty contributors imagine who we’d have chosen to be our new master….Nick Morrison……Alec Baldwin. Because obviously.Jamie Hyde…..I refuse to acknowledge the departure of the MasterFreya Berry…….Myself. I heard there’s a Sauna outback...Miss Advise......Jeremy Clarkson. He’d come up with a great Access scheme for ethnic minorities.Rosie Lintott….Morgan Freeman: not a Cambridge grad, but a detective, a Crusader, President twice over, and God. Oliver White…………...Dumbledore

Kate Pfeffer......................Irene AdlerLydia Reeves…………..Benedict CumberbatchBen Weisz......................... Craig Charles, comic actor and inimitable host of ‘Robot Wars’.The Pit of Doom instead of The Fountain? Sir Killalot as the next Dean? And wouldn’t everybody replace the gong at formal with a loud cry of CEASE??!!Hannah Redgewell........Charlie Sheen. The Master’s speeches would suddenly get a lot more interesting…Lucy Lassman…….....Jeremy Kyle. Who needs TCSU when you have the guy who solves the nation’s problems residing in the Master’s lodge? Plus Graham would make a great Head Porter.

Wednesday 1st February 2012travisty.co.uk COMMENT 3

Ben WeiszWEISZ GUY

Dear Trinity...Travisty was ‘wel jel’ of that girl who rejected Oxford AND then wrote an article in The Guardian. Not wanting to

be left out, here’s what we would have written if we had turned down Trinity (not that we ever would)...…

Dear Trinity College,

I am sorry to inform you that your application to educate me for an MPhil in Philosophy has been unsuccessful. Though you are an academic and cultural institution of international calibre, I was sadly unable to process your application due to a bigoted arrogance and the urge to make a badly-considered political point using the most childish and petulant means at my disposal. The thought of engaging with the finest minds in the world in an institution which selects on the basis of academic merit repulses me - I hate all kinds of elitism on principle, regardless of whether they’re actually bad.

Though college admissions tutors are always careful not to cause offence by listing specific criticisms of rejected applicants, I’m such an appallingly bad satirist I’m going to ignore this fairly major stylistic point and plough on regardless. Trinity practically single-handedly funds the University’s Newton bursary scheme for less well-off students; clear evidence that they have money, and money is always a Bad Thing, regardless of how it is spent. Furthermore, the fact that a large proportion of college accommodation is pre-Victorian and palatial means it is oppressive to anyone from a poorer background – which explains why so many poorer students rush to pay double Trinity’s average rent to live in an asbestos-ridden tower block in Leeds or Nottingham. As anyone with half a brain knows, poor people are incapable of functioning in opulent surroundings, so don’t patronise them by assuming otherwise.

Furthermore, the May Ball is a disgraceful display of upper-class snobbery and decadence. The fact that the average student spends four times the cost of a ticket each year on alcohol and clubbing is neither here nor there. Overall, your institution has a dubious past. This means that it’s much easier to scapegoat it for the failings in the British education system than it is to blame the government. As such, I’ll gladly accuse you of bias, despite the fact that the percentage of state school applicants is roughly the same as the percentage of state school students, meaning that the fault actually lies with encouraging applications rather than the admissions process I am doing such a bad job of aping.

I would like to wish you all the best in your campaign to improve access to the University of Cambridge, but it’s much more fun to blow raspberries and laugh at the fact that some of you are a bit posh.

Yours gloatingly,Ben Weisz

PS - in all seriousness, please let me in. I won’t last six weeks out there.

Beyoncé had a kid. It’s got a name like a Herbal Essences bottle, a fit mum, already has a Dior wardrobe and is worth approximately a million times more than you. Quit weeping at the back.

Jeremy Clarkson-gate. He made a controversial remark about the striking public sector workers and then offended a whole load of people in India. Who cares? He still made it onto Travisty’s list of who we’d like to be Master.

You forgot you went to university. You spent six-weeks wallowing like a happy hippopotamus on holiday in a mud spa. Now you’ve got back, remembered that you do to go one of the best universities in the world, and it ain’t pretty...

What Travisty Missed over the HolidaysFreya BerryMISSED YOU LONGTIME

Christmas happened. I got a 1000-piece puzzle as always - its boring enough to scare off pesky relatives yet enough of a rollickin’ rollercoaster ride to keep me happy.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand got divorced. Like we didn’t see that coming. Now Travisty can’t listen to Teenage Dream without laughing. Gotta love a bit of schadenfreude.

I stopped being editor. Travisty might have fewer spelling mistakes but I get fewer free biscuits and embezzling options. It’s just like being Fred Goodwin, but without the insane bonus. Or the insane salary to start with.

Hall got gluten-free. Though it’s now selfishly refusing to give it out to those not actually on gluten-free diets. Tip: look sad and vaguely anaemic when you approach, not as if you’ve been scoffing toast all afternoon.

4 FEATURES Wednesday 1st February 2012travisty.co.uk

Solves your problems...Miss AdviseWhat’s Hot

Dear Knockout in New Court,

I can see Trinity girls haven’t changed while I’ve been away... I think your fears are probably unfounded. I mean, some of the porters might like to joke around with the students, but they’re here to protect you, not to do you harm. On this occasion it doesn’t sound like anything bad happened at all, you were probably just very drunk and confused.

Dear Miss Advise,

Burrell’s Ent is only a few days away and I’m having some costume issues. You see, like all girls, I take “fancy dress” to mean “dress like a slut”. And let’s face it, I’m not the only one - sometimes at the WPR I have to do a double-take to make sure I’m not in a brothel. This dress policy has usually worked wonders and got me all the male attention I desired.

However, last Burrell’s this all went rather wrong... My outfit was actually pretty tame, I thought. I mean, my top was high enough that my nipps only popped out three times! Normally it’s like eight or nine. Having said that, I had a rather short skirt on and was exposing my killer legs. At one point I got separated from the group and a porter approached; “Nice skirt...” he muttered, with a wink. I was terrified! This might sound innocent enough to some, but to me it quite clearly translated to “I want to touch your amazing legs… If you don’t run away now I’m gonna get you!” - and so I did. So fast that I almost fell into the pond.

Now whenever I see said porter around College I’m terrified. I don’t dare wear anything provocative this time for fear something more serious might happen. But obviously I still want to look fit, you know?

Please help!

Knockout in New Court

EDDIE REDMAYNE Even if you’ve not been watching the heart-wrenching Birdsong or didn’t see Tess of the D’Urbervilles or don’t know what a Burberry is, this pillow-lipped ex-Trinitarian will be on your radar. With a nomination for the Orange Wednesdays Rising Star Award at this

year’s BAFTAs, he is also set to star as Marius in Tom Hooper’s Les Miserables. When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums...

DRAGONS As New Year dawns in China, birth rates are expected to rise as parents aim for this most auspicious of lunar years. Azerbaijan may have somewhat drizzled on the mythical beast’s parade by sticking it on a 20-gapik stamp, but the dragon is still the coolest fictional animal by far. Griffin Ball Z? I think not. Enter the Unicorn? Don’t make me sick.

NICKI MINAJI’m Angelina, you Jennifer – and it’s a mystery why so many people have disliked her new song ‘Stupid Hoe’ on YouTube? It has elements of Ciara’s classic ‘Work’, the chorus is really easy to remember, and she turns into a leopard. The same message as Daphne and Celeste’s ‘U.G.L.Y,’ only marginally less likely to drive you mad.

CHRIS COHEN I write as someone who hates small animals and anthropomorphising, but there’s this guy on the internet who does voice-overs of small animals and they’re super cute. Like, beyond cute.

SUNDAY KIND OF LOVEEtta James died aged 73 on January 20th. This song tells it as it is, but makes ‘it’ sound like liquid silver.

Email Miss Advise with your problems attravistymissadvise@googlemail.com

With regards to outfits, you should dress as you see appropriate. If you enjoy the attention you get from guys when you wear provocative outfits then continue. However, just because all the others seem to be doing this, doesn’t mean you have to as well. Maybe toning it down but still looking gorgeous might get you noticed for the right reasons...

Best wishes,

Miss Advise

Wednesday 1st February 2012travisty.co.uk FEATURES 5

What’s NotA SENSE OF DIRECTION The recurrent mass-beaching of pilot whales in Golden Bay on New Zealand’s South Island has baffled scientists, who as yet cannot explain why whales so often become stranded in tidal shallows. Cue a raft of jokes about navigator whales, whale traffic control, where’s a good wingman when you need him, chiz chiz.

THE PLOT The writers of Gossip Girl have always floated up where the air is clear: remember when Chuck was possessed by the ghost of his dead father? But with the recent 100th episode landmark, they’ve been in a whole other dimension of crazy. We can deal with the Marilyn Monroe dream sequences, Dan’s improbable bestseller – even the chaplain’s affair with the Monegasque princess. But someone taking a hit out on Nate? Puhlease.

THE ACADEMYLast week’s announcement of Oscar Nominees has been true to form, recognising American stars and movies (the whole cast of The Help, anyone?) and all-but-ignoring both British and high-profile independent films. The thrilling Drive has only been nominated in the Sound Editing category, while We Need To Talk About Kevin, Shame and The Skin I Live In have been overlooked entirely. Here’s crossing all body parts for Gary Oldman.

MEGAUPLOAD Has gone the way of the Colossus at Rhodes, Nestorian heresy, 5ive...

This Issue’s ContributorsThe Travisty CommitteeEditor................Lucy LassmanDeputy Editor......Kate PfefferFeatures..............Oliver WhiteTreasurer............Lydia Reeves

Kate PfefferJamie HydeFreya BerryHannah Redgewell Rosie Lintott

Miss. AdviseCosmo GodfreeNick MorrisonBen WeiszLucy Lassman

Nosy Bedderdo your sheets Need chaNgiNg?Rise and shine students, it’s time to air your dirty laundry!

Well, it certainly seems that the festivities did not end with the Christmas season. I haven’t been able to clean many rooms yet as so many bins have been left outside doors. And for good reasons too it appears.... A certain third year, in a most politically correct manner, gave a tour of Cambridge to a visitor so good it was almost presidential. The tour apparently included special access to her Great Court suite.

A bit of competition is always healthy, especially amongst second-year girls. The winner Stocked up her conquests with 8-in-one-night (they counted, not her), and continued her reign with more controversial encounters including a certain fresh piece of footballing talent who had his first strumming experience with something other than a guitar. Oh well, there are Lo-er places to stoop, though if she Wood go as low her knees is debatable.

In other news, it seems that a term-long pursuit by one fresher has finally succeeded; goodness Gracious, who could have seen this coming? This just goes to show that good things come to those who skate. Perhaps other inhabitants of the L-ove shack should take note.

I’ve ‘erde, through the bedder grapevine, that a certain couple haven’t been sharing a bed...or a fashion sense. Roxanne has certainly been told that she doesn’t need to put on her red light (or her brown hat).

My friends in the Porter’s lodge informed me that there was a late night delivery of essential student wear to a starry-eyed fresher. The post-lady in question had other reasons for staying awake into the early hours, as two others had requested her company that evening. Knowing this girl’s usual tendency to be highly Entertaining, whichever person she picked is certain to have had a good time…perhaps she later regretted giving away her earlier supplies...

Recipe to be...A Trinity Student

Ingredients;A whole lot of intelligence

A pinch of smugness A healthy dose of ambition

A sense of entitlementA dash of anti-Johnian sentiment

Method;Start with the intelligence. Add some good A-level results, a long-list of extra-curriculars and the pinch of smugness until the mixture comes together in a way that your parents will be proud of. Alongside a hefty workload, leave to stew with copious amounts of alcohol (the brighter the colours, the better). Bake in a hot oven (Cindies/Life/Lola Lo) for several hours on a weekday night. Leave to cool during Sunday brunch. Serve with a touch of May Ball anticipation and a side of Tompkins table success.

HannaH redgeWellHEY GOOD LOOKIN’, WHAT’CHA GOT COOKIN’

6 DEBATE Wednesday 1st February 2012travisty.co.uk

Having a roomie is ah-mazing...

Having a room-mate is a regrettable decision...

It’s true I coerced Jamie into saving me from a horrifically low ballot number, turning to him like a duckling imprinting on its mother and pleading for shelter (aka ensuite bathroom, an airy view and minimal asbestos). It’s also true that having usurped his ballot number I insisted we live in K8, just so I could say the room had my name on it.

But surprisingly this vein of ‘demanding stray turning up, refusing to leave then eating all the catfood’ has been what’s glued us together this year, turning a once cosy home into a suitable den of vice and deceit. He’s happily embraced the ‘dirty plate cupboard’, for those long weeks when we can’t be bothered to wash up - out of sight, out of mind. Who knew that cup-a-pasta could

grow such beautifully coloured mould? Fun fact: crumpets go bright blue when they’re old enough.

Plus we’re both massive hoarders - our Christmas tree’s still up, tastefully decorated with tinsel, ghost paper-chains and a jaunty Halloween spider for a star. It’s our revival of Dickensian literary practice: our tree shall remain until Santa comes. (This isn’t a tree, merely the ghost of a tree.) And he never minds finding me passed out under the Christmas tree first thing in the morning.

A Kate, of course, is for life and the most amazing thing about Jamie is that he’s contractually obliged never to leave me.

(This is my way of letting you know, Kate). It initially seemed that life with Ms Pfeffer would be fun. But rapidly you learn people are not designed to live together. You gradually begin to lose all of the individuality you so valued in your many years of freedom preceding the move. It’s a lot like marriage in many respects.

But Kate and I have become startlingly similar to the extent that it looks like we were items in Bellatrix Lestrange’s Gringott’s vault: the Gemino Curse was cast on one of us and we duplicated. Of course we share many of the same dresses and shoes and our make-up cupboard is communal. Many of our habits have merged into one horrible amalgamation of sloth and horror. It is completely within the bounds of acceptable behaviour to spend the afternoon eating peanut butter from the jar or drinking absinthe. I don’t feel I will ever

escape the assumption that any and all TV shows are apt for adaptation into a drinking game; University Challenge will never again have the same meaning...

We share a lot: too much, perhaps. Often does one wander into the living room to find, what to all appearances appears to be, a pile of towels/the star of The Ring. Our already very high levels of mental retardation are compounded - doctor’s daughter Kate suggested the other day that my complaints of an aching arm were the result of an “ingrown hair”. I believed her for a minute. Not only has our mental health suffered from this eternal imprisonment but it was never really a great idea to lock two clinical alcoholics up in a room together. We’re walled in by scores of vodka bottles. Well, if you can’t go around them... Please send help.

Room with A ViewTwo of our contributors debate the Pros and Cons of sharing rooms...

Kate PFeFFerBETTER KATE THEN NEVER

Jamie HydeHYDING FROM YOU (AND KATE)

Wednesday 1st February 2012travisty.co.uk CULTURE 7

Culture Vulture...

Cosmo godFreeOUT OF THIS WORLD

If you fancy something a bit more heavyweight on the 9th, then head on over to The Union, where Middle East correspondents and reformed militant Islamists alike will be discussing the threat of the Arab Spring in what promises to be a tense debate. Tension? Like in a spring? One for the scientists there...

Multiple essay crises inevitably means trashy TV, and Take Me Out is the cream of the current crop. Did ‘beefcake’ Martin do our fair city proud last week? Well, I’ll leave that one for you to judge. But one thing’s for sure - we could all do with a bit of Paddy-love in our lives. Me likey.

The Artist has opened to rave reviews and a whopping 10 Oscar nominations though no Best Supporting Actor for Uggie the dog unfortunately. Anyway, I hear he has a new job as Hayden Christensen’s acting coach. He’d probably be more suited to a silent film anyway.

I ritually burnt my copy of Hardy’s Far from the Madding Crowd after my English GCSE. Needless to say, it was quite therapeutic. Now Im left wishing I hadnt, as its the subject of an excitingly brand new student-composed opera. First night on 2nd February.

It seems rude not to mention the recent performance of King Lear

at the ADC, in which Trinity’s very own Theo Hughes-Morgan starred as the titular monarch. A fantastic

beginning to another term of Cambridge drama.

8 Wednesday 1st February 2012travisty.co.uk

So we’re about a month into the new year and my resolutions are going swimmingly: my nails remain unbitten, the weight is falling off me and I have found a wonderful Significant Other with whom to spend the next eleven, glorious months. I am of course joking: my cuticles are still stubbornly delicious, I had three kinds of starch for lunch today and am debating buying a purity ring to legitimise my celibacy. This situation is far from uncommon (not my triple-threat of human failures, breaking resolutions) – inexplicably, the start of a new year gives people the idea that they can become shiny happy people with a sweatshop work ethic and sleek, manageable hair. Even if the year starts off on something dreary like a Tuesday, these optimistic r’tards keep telling us it’ll all be different from now on, honest: new mind, new body, new ME! Well, I hate to break it to you, but we’re all still the same. We still leave work till the last minute and we still look like Renée Zellweger’s reflection in the back of a spoon. The problem is that we all aim too high and are proportionately crestfallen when we fall on our saggy crests.

HOWEVER, all is not lost. Here are some tips to achieving your goals:1. Take it one day at a time. This might sound obvious, given the linear way in which time flows, but people seem to forget to do it. Don’t worry about how much weight you might lose in six months or how much money you’ll have saved on cigarettes this time next year; just take a deep breath (of air) and try and get through today without giving in to your cravings.2. Get a good support network. This does NOT mean telling all your friends every time you do seven metres on the exercise bike – WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU/GIVE A SHIT. What it does mean is having people around who are prepared to give you a nudge in the right direction.3. Finally, and most importantly, it doesn’t really matter if you slip up (see earlier point re. us giving a shit). If you don’t come out of January speaking nine languages and cooking your own savoury muffins, no one will judge you. We’re all as flabby and awkward and imperfect as each other, and that’s pretty great.

Except me. I was lying before, I’ve kept all mine because I’m wonderful.

Miss. T...This week’s glossy invitation was to one of Miss. T’s favourite hangouts – the Wolfson Party Room, known to an exclusivefew as the WPR. The theme was Tight and Bright and goodness were there some outfits that shone (including Miss. T’s, natch). Sadly, it took some time for the dance floor to fill it but once it did it was glow sticks a glow and neon paint all round. The 10 free jugs of Trinity Blue were well received, especially by the Ents Committee while waiting (and waiting) for the first timid freshers to creep in. Unfortunately, S.D. missed out on the party, sleeping off her drunkenness in the corner. While A.A. certainly enjoyed himself grinding with anyone including a very up-for-it J.A.T. E.C. was on top Cougar form as

usual

especially towards a certain A.D. (see picture..). It was

hot and it was sweaty but by the end

veryone, especially Miss. T. was having a great time. Tune in next week for more happening party info as Miss. T hits the most exclusive event of the term – Changeover Burrells….

niCK morrisonALREADY BROKEN ALL OF HIS

Resolute Resolutions