4023139 at Home Marriage Course 20092010 Edition

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www.MarriagePreparationOnline.com

Sometimes it is a great joy

just to listen to someone we love talking to.

Vincent McNabb


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HOW THIS ONLINE MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSE CAN HELP YOU GET READY FORMARRIAGE

How did you learn to ride a bike?You didnt do it through listening to alecture on how to ride a bike. Someone did give you some basicinstruction & a little support, then you started trying - practicing until youlearned how.

It took effort, and you got a few scrapes along the way, but you wouldntdescribe it as work learning this way was fun.

You were highly motivated from within to succeed so excited about the benefits of success that you kepton until you could do it. And it was so much fun, you just kept on using your newly learned skills every day.

The same principles can hold for marriage preparation. For a long time, I said to couples, Youve got to

work at your marriage! Their faces said it all: I work all week on my job, and now you tell me I have tocome home and workon my marriage?

Its truethat a relationship requires attention. Thats what youre doing by taking this marriage course. Itstruetoo that conflicts arise and have to be resolved. This course can help you with that too.

Persistence & overcoming challenges is part of making a marriage successful. (Please note: any couplewho does notbelieve this should spend a lot of extra time talking about their expectations of marriage).

However, Ive become convinced of some other things as well.

1. Marriage is supposed to be fun it should sizzle.

2. If couples dont lose sight of that, and continue to enjoy themselves, many of the problemsthat might have come about simply wont.This is one place where the saying an ounce ofprevention is worth a pound of cure is very true.

3. A lot of people arent going to continue to grow a relationship if it is all work and no play.

With these points in mind, this marriage course is designed on current learning theory (how people learnbest.

People learn when learning is self-directed and self-motivated. People learn when they are actively involvedin the learning process. People learn when they are havingfun.

This marriage preparation course incorporates all three elements.

You can tell people what they need to know very fast. But, they will forget what youtell them even faster. People are more likely to understand what they figure out forthemselves than what you figure out for them. (from intro to 101 Ways to MakeTraining Active, by Mel Silberman)

www.marriagepreparationonline.com


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GOING BEYOND THIS MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSE

I do encourage couples to do as much as they can to prepare for marriage. Other things you can dobeyond this course includes:

1. Face to face premarital counseling with a minister or licensed therapist2. Attend marriage and marriage preparation seminars at a church or other location3. Participate in a marriage mentoring program (many churches do these)4. Read marriage books, listen to marriage tapes, etc. and discuss together

My online marriage preparation course can actually help you decide what next steps you need to take.For instance, if you decide to go for face to face counseling, this course will have helped you pin-point keyareas for discussion.

No amount of marriage preparation will solve all your problems. You dont know what they are til life comesat you. But marriage preparation can reduce the number of unpleasant surprises. So do as much as youcan.

Best wishes to you as you prepare for your life together as husband and wife! -Ralph

p.s. My marriage preparation course has been called the course that even guys love.I believe I have hadas many or more guys come to me and tell me how much they enjoyed the course as the ladies!

TO GET YOUR COMPLETION CERTIFICATE TO GET THE DISCOUNT ON THE

TENNESSEE MARRIAGE LICENSE go to the next to the last page of this Course or go to

the link below where you can copy/paste the verification questions:

How to Get Your Completion Certificate



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Before Starting Your Couple Exercises Review the Following Principles on

Communication and Conflict Resolution

1. Communication takes time. Commit to take the time now & throughout your marriage to

communicate. It is the lifeblood of your relationship.2. Truly listen to each other, without judgment. Test your understanding by repeating back in

your own words what you hear your partner say.

3. Honestly express your thoughts & feelings to your partner. On the other side, be ready toaccept what your partner says.

4. Remember that every relationship has conflicts. To start with men are from Mars andwomen are from Venus! When you have a conflict:

Deal with it. Often resolving differences is a process over a period of time. But unresolved

issues do not go away. Resentments can build over the years.

Control your anger. Anger & other defensive tactics shut off communication. You may need to

take a walk & delay discussing something. But do come back to it.

Clearly define the problem. Specify how each of you may contribute to the problem, or

difficulty in resolving the issue.

Brainstorm possible solutions. Decide, and if necessary, negotiate a mutually agreeable

solution. Then put it to the test.

Stay committed. In most cases, people can resolve their differences. When you do, it will give

you confidence that problems dont have to defeat you. Your relationship will be stronger &

you will feel more secure in it.

Seek outside help if needed. If you hit a snag, sometimes having a third party to give feedback

and direction can be helpful. Contact a minister or other trained helper for guidance.

You may want to print out this page and keep it close.



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SECTION ONE:

A. TWO-FUN LEARNING ACTIVITIES

Whos right?

In marriage and premarital counseling when discussing differences, I will sometimes do this

simple demonstration. I will hold my hand out palm to the groom and bride and ask them to

describe it. I then describe my hand from my viewpoint. Our descriptions vary slightly, so I ask

which one of us is right. Of course, we are both right, were just looking at the same hand from

different perspectives.

One of the benefits of listening to our partner is that ithelps us see things from their perspective.

Here are some questions you might wish to

discuss:

1. Is there a subject youve been discussingwhere there is no right or wrong?

2. How does remembering this principle ofperspective help in a marriage?

3. What are some areas in which men andwomen have different perspectives?

Stupid is as stupid does

Everyone has stupid arguments! Heres one stupid argument: A husband was sitting in front of his

TV eating from a bag of LAYS potato chips when he pulled from the bag the biggest potato chipyouve ever seen in your life. He starts holding it in the air, waving it around and bragging as if he

had the made the chip himself. All is fine until his wife reached over and crunched his potato chip!

He got mad and an argument followed.

Can each of you think of a stupid argument youve heard (maybe you were in it), and thenanswer the following questions.

What made the argument stupid?

Why do you think it became an argument?

How could the argument have been avoided?

Exercise continues on next page



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Here are more questions you may want to discuss, especially if you tend to argue alot:

Are there certain conditions where we argue the most?

Are there some rules we could establish for when and how we discuss differences?

Do we believe that all disagreements must be resolved? What do we do if there is an unsolvable problem?

Fix this problem

You are the counselor! What would you say to

these couples:

She likes her family to drop in anytime

to visit. He thinks its rude andinconsiderate for them to do so.

He bought a new truck without talkingto her about it. Shes upset because they

are having trouble paying for their bills.

Shes ready to have a baby. He says itsstill too soon.

Think of other couples you know of at work, in

the family, etc. and problems they have had and how you would solve them.

Discussing other couples problems will help you to reveal to each other your perspectives on howproblems are solved.



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Talk to me like this

When it comes to communication and expressing love in a relationship, understanding

personality differences is key.

The following exercise is one I often hear couples say they really enjoy and find fun.

You can do a 5-minute free personality test online that tells you how to best love and how to

communicate to your spouse given their unique personality. We tend to want to love and

communicate to our partner in the way we like, rather than the way our partner likes.

This exercise will help you see things from the perspective of the other person.

Go to the link below for the free personality quiz:

www.personalitytype.com/quiz.asp

The site does not ask for any of your personal contact information to use the free tool! See

screenshot below:



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B. DISCOVER MORE ABOUT EACH OTHER

My Uncle Left Me a Million Dollars!

Its fun to dream, and our dreams say a lot about what is important to us.

Lets say you favorite uncle left you a million dollars!

What would you do with the money?

You might want to write out your answers separately, and then come together to discuss what

youve written.

You can learn a lot about each others aspirations, values and hopes.

My Best Family Vacation

This is a simple and fun exercise and one in which you can learn alot about each other.

Each of you describe your favorite

vacation and what made it so great.

Aside note: Gary Smalley who writes and

speaks widely on marriage and family topicshas found in questioning thousands of people

in his seminars that the one activity thatseems to bring families close more than anyother single thing is camping.

Theres something about camping. The

adventure, the problems you encounter along

the way but pull through as a family, and the

lack of distractions are probably some of the

reasons so many families report camping as a

family activity that made them close.

Maybe camping is not your thing. Thats ok. But think about the principle here and how you

can use it to make your marriage and someday your family strong and close.

Its not necessarily how far you go, and how much money you spend. Its what you do and whathappens along the way. What are your thoughts?



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Two-Way Learning

Respect for each other is very important for a health relationship.

One way of showing respect is by valuing the differences between us.

There are different types of intelligence. I was getting a battery replaced in mycar the other day and the girl (yes, girl) that was putting in the battery in my car

told me that her dad was very book smart. He could write a book and tell you

how to disassemble a car engine and then put it back together again. But he

couldnt actually do it. She could!

Again, there are many kinds of smarts. Some are socially intelligent. They have a natural ability

to relate well to others. Other people may not be so good in social settings, but can logicallyidentify a problem, come up with solutions and solve it.

Our vocations differ. Over a period of time we acquire knowledge and develop skills that others

do not have.

Heres the exercise:

What is something each of you knows a lot about that the other knows little about.

What are your unique gifts and abilities?

Teach each other something.

Take time to listen and learn from each other.

Your partner will feel valued and respected.

Try On Another Pair of Shoes

Put yourself in the other persons shoes. (Ladies, if he literally wants to wear your clothes, you

may want to get him help). Be the other person and describe what your day is like.

We all know what our day is like and all the problems we have to deal with. But what is mypartners day like? Do your best to try to understand their unique challenges. Whats it like being

them? Who are the people they deal with? What expectations do they face from others? Whats it

like having you as their partner? Want to go deeper? Think about past family experiences of your

partner. Put yourself in those shoes and see how they affect you day to day. This is another

exercise designed to value your significant other - to show them respect, understanding and

appreciation.



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C. LEARN FROM OTHERS

Research 101 - Good and Bad Examples

Does this sound too much like going to school? No need to go to the library for this research

though. One of the best ways to learn is to look to role models, and even bad examples can teach

us.

Each of you think of someone you know who has a successful marriagenot just long,

but what you consider a good marriage. Each of you go separately & talk to the husband or

wife and ask them about their marriage (asking will compliment them). Come backtogether and compare notes. What did you learn about marriage from your research?

Each of you describe a person or persons whom you consider to be a exceptional

father or mother, or husband or wife. Of course, explain your choiceswhat makesthem great in your estimation?

Describe a really bad marriage that you are aware of. What makes it bad? Where did it

go wrong? How will yours be different

Note: Many churches are now using mentoring programs to help engaged couples prepare for

marriage. Basically, they pair you up with a couple who has a healthy marriage and you spend

time with them learning from them and asking them questions. If you are interested, check with

your church to see if they have such a program or can get you contact with one that does.

Watch a Movie

Can you believe you can do marriage preparation watching a movie? Overhearing (and over-

watching) others can be a great learning tool.

Rent the movie The Story of Us starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis.

Heres a relationship that gets into a lot of trouble.

After the movie, discuss what went wrong and how they could have prevented

things going so bad. If youd like a free extended guide to discussing the movie

go to http://www.smartmarriages.com/story.guide.html

Please note! This movie is Rated R. Every once in a while someone tells me they

hated this movie!

You may not be able to find this movie in the stores. You can try Netflix, Blockbuster Online, etc.

Watch the movie trailer at this link: http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi33227033/



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4023139 at Home Marriage Course 20092010 Edition

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