You know what blows big time?

The other night I was sitting with my family, most of whom are very successfully married. We

were going in a circle giving our best marriage advice to my little sister on the eve of her

wedding. It’s somewhat of a family tradition.

But that’s not what blows. What really blows is that I realized I don’t have any good marriage

advice to give. After all, I’ve never had a successful marriage out of the two marriages I did

have.

And so, when it was my turn, I just made a joke about divorce and how you should always

remember why you loved your spouse when you first met her so that when times get tough,

you can find someone new that is just like she was.

There were a couple courtesy giggles, but overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a

beautifully building ring of profundity.

They finished round one, and for some reason started into another round. And that’s when I

realized. Hey. I don’t have marriage advice to give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage

from ending” advice (two equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.

It eventually came to me again, and what I said would have been such great advice if I were

a tenth as good at saying things as I was at writing them.

And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out my “advice list” for my little sister. You know…

things I wish I would have known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice).

After writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.

I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list. Also, for the list’s sake, I am just going to refer to

“her” instead of “them” even though they almost all were true in both marriages.

1. DON’T STOP HOLDING HER HANDWhen I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her hand. In the

car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter where. Over time, I

stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot or it made me sweat or I

wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth was, I stopped holding hands because I

stopped wanting to put in the effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on

a star. I’d hold her hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold her

hand everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like each other for

the moment.

BONUS! When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True story.2. DON’T STOP TRYING TO BE ATTRACTIVE. Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as attractively as

I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly groomed. I always smelled

good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t around. For some reason, marriage made

me feel like I could stop doing all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling

good, and dressed up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself,

but I rarely, if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout

our entire marriage. I’d wait to fart until I was in the bathroom whenever

possible. I’d make myself desirable so that she would desire me.

BONUS! when you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.3. DON’T ALWAYS POINT OUT HER WEAKNESSES.For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling like it was

my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could do better. I sure as

heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I dated her I only built her up,

only told her how amazing she was, and easily looked past all of her flaws. After

we got married though, she sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me

telling her how she might be able to improve.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I wouldn’t say a damned thing about anything

that I thought could use improvement. I’ve learned since my marriage ended that

there is more than one right way to do most things, and that the imperfections of

others are too beautiful to try and change.

BONUS! when you tell her what she’s doing right, she’ll tell you what you’re

doing right. And she’ll also tell her friends. And her family. And the dentist. And

even strangers on the street.4. DON’T STOP COOKING FOR HER.I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a

nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it then, that I didn’t do that

for her after we got married? Sure, I’d throw some canned soup in the microwave

or fry up some chimichangas once in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my

way to sweep her off her feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or

making fancy pasta, or setting up a candlelit table.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a priority to cook for her, and only

her, something awesome at least every month. And I’d remember that meat in a

can is never awesome.

BONUS! candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.

5. DON’T YELL AT YOUR SPOUSE.I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of

yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to get up from your

television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if

she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that much effort to go find her, and

yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and authoritative.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try to go find her anytime I needed

something or wanted to know something, and I’d have both gratitude and

manners when I did. I always hated when she would yell to me, so why did I

always feel it was okay to yell to her?

BONUS! sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have

missed otherwise.6. DON’T CALL NAMES.I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may not have

called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d sometimes call me,

but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she was impossible, or that she was

so hard to deal with. Names are names, and calling them will drive bigger

wedges in communication than just about anything else.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call

names, I’d call a time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her

names, but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of

the moment.

BONUS! she’ll call you names in better places. Like the bedroom.

7. DON’T BE STINGY WITH YOUR MONEY.As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of

her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much

money on things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if

not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we were

just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was bring undo stress to our

relationship.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted,

whenever she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.

BONUS! sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to makeup

purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.

8. DON’T ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we couldn’t wait to

have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to

know why fighting in front of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would never, ever, not even once fight in front of the kids,

no matter how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe make a code word that meant, “not

with the kids here.”

BONUS! when you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or unimportant the fight

was and the fight never happens.

9. DON’T ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER TO SKIP WORKING OUT.I always thought it was love to tell my spouse, “I don’t care if you don’t take care of yourself. I

don’t care if you don’t exercise. I don’t care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and it

was lying when she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I wish that we would

have always told each other how sexy and attractive the other was any time we’d go workout

or do something to become healthier.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d ask her to tell me that she cared. I’d ask her to

encourage me to go to the gym. I’d ask her to remind me of my goals and tell me I’m strong

enough to keep them.

BONUS! exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people

don’t kill other people. (Name that movie!)

10. DON’T POOP WITH THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN.I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom

door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third

of all, there is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she

saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less attractive.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.

BONUS! when she does think of your naked body, she’s not going to be thinking about it in a

grunting/squatting position.

11. DON’T STOP KISSING HER.It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things

were stressful and there was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing

to kiss her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to

arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and whatnot.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do

in the morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any time I felt like

she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my germ issues kicked in.

BONUS! she feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.

12. DON’T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should never stop having fun

with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t

really go out and do anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that

when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability

to be fully content with each other.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two

weekends in a row.

BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And

so do cherished embarrassing moments.

13. DON’T PRESSURE EACH OTHER.Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so

pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always

felt so pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually

carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I pressured

her, so I know it was a two-way street.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views, opinions,

and ways that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in differentiation, not the threat.

BONUS! authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.

14. DON’T LABEL EACH OTHER WITH NEGATIVE LABELS.Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of three things.

Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.” Inevitably after each of those seemed

to come something negative. And since when have negative labels ever helped anyone?

They certainly never helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that

sparked the label worsen in big ways.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would learn to stop myself before saying any of those

phrases, and then I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you should,” I’d say “you

are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say “you are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,”

I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d follow it up with something positive.

BONUS! the noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe

that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.

15. DON’T SKIP OUT ON THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO HER.It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed doing. My reasoning,

“we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame. There will always be things she enjoys that I

will never enjoy, and that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing

she needs is to know that I’m there.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I

would actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it differently or how it could

be better or more fun or time better spent.

BONUS! go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude gets piled on later

that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.

16. DON’T EMOTIONALLY DISTANCE YOURSELF AFTER A FIGHT.I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or

we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from her, usually for several days.

Communication would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get

worked out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more

often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an ugly bout. Sure,

we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.

BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.

17. DON’T STOP BRINGING HER FLOWERS.When I was wooing her, I made it a point to show up with flowers. And not just for

special occasions. I’d have them delivered. I’d drop some at her door and run. I’d

have them if I was just showing up for a movie on her couch. I brought her

flowers from day one to day married. And then after we said I do, I stopped.

Flowers became an unnecessary expense and were only worth splurging on for

really special occasions like anniversaries or Valentine’s day. And sadly not

always on those days, either.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I might get her flowers on those special

occasions, but I’d make it a point to get her flowers often enough that she never

wondered what I’d done wrong when I did. I’d understand that the most

meaningful flowers were the ones given with no reason but to give them.BONUS! it’s hard to hold grudges for the other stupid things you do when

there are fresh flowers reminding her that you’re a good guy most of the time.18. DON’T WORK SO MUCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT SEX.This may be a little too much information, but when I was married, I would

sometimes be so in need of sex, yet I would work so hard and so late into the

night that even when sex was an option, I would turn it down in favor of crashing

and decompressing. This of course would make her feel rejected because she

knew that I wanted it, but couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want it from her.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d set a bed time for myself and wake up

earlier to get my work done if needed. I’d remind myself that no amount of

money is ever enough when you’re a workaholic. And I’d not give up the boonda

boonda with my wife to make a few extra unneeded bucks.BONUS! you don’t have to go to the gym as often because the gym comes to

your bedroom.19. DON’T PUT HER DOWN TO OTHERS. It always seemed that the more bla our marriage got, the more I would (usually

jokingly) put her down to others. What’s worse is that I’d do it while she was

standing there as much as I would when she wasn’t. I made sure that she knew

that her faults and her weaknesses were never going to be secret and then if

she’d get mad about it, I’d throw it back on her and tell her she needed to

develop a sense of humor.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d realize that there’s nothing motivating about

being put down. Building people up can still be done in awesomely joking ways.

BONUS! she probably wants a good guy as part of her foundation. Building

her up makes sure that her foundation is with you and not Billy Bob over there.20. DON’T BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WITH HER. Always claiming I was the saint, I would refuse to talk about what was bothering

me, I’d refuse to discuss when things hurt me, and I’d refuse to admit that

anything was wrong. Instead, I’d be passive aggressive about things. I’d pretend

to take the high road. “It’s not worth the contention to me, just have it your

way,” I’d blurt out. Let’s not kid ourselves. I said that to make her feel like a bully

and to push her into giving me my way. It rarely worked. All it ever did was make

her feel worse about herself and about me, and neither one of us would get what

we needed.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d tell her how things were actually affecting

me, and I’d learn to genuinely want her to have her way sometimes, or I’d learn

to agree to disagree, or I’d learn to take a break from the conversation. I’d also

ask her to point out when I was being passive aggressive so that I could rephrase

things in a productive way.BONUS! when you tell her what you actually want or need, sometimes you

get it. Fancy that.21. DON’T FIND REASONS TO DITCH HER. It seemed that when I got home from work, there was always an important

business issue that needed dealing with. There was always an email that needed

to be answered. There was always something I needed to check on my phone.

There was always Facebook that needed updating. There was always something

that couldn’t wait, and I’d happily ditch her to go do it.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d completely power off my cell phone for an

hour or two every night and instead spend that time with her. Eating, talking,

having fun, playing games, or just catching up on all the little things. The

computer would be off limits, and so would the TV.BONUS! a quality hour with her is far more fun than a six-hour long fight

about not spending enough quality time with her.22. DON’T TOUCH HER ONLY WHEN YOU WANT SEX. Ever the Romeo, I would usually distance myself from her physically and

emotionally for days or weeks, and then I’d roll over in bed one night, and start

putting the moves on her. This of course would leave her hurt and upset that I

was only touching her for sex, which would make me react passive aggressively,

and become more emotionally and physically distant.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d touch her gently and without sexual motives

when she was lying in bed. I’d rub her legs when she was reading a book. I’d

softly make circles on the small of her back while we washed dishes. I’d massage

her knees in the car. I’d push the hair out of her eyes. I’d kiss her on the

forehead. And the cheek. And the nose when I wanted to really grab her by

surprise. And I’d do it all without the need to get it on.BONUS! wait for it… wait for it… more sex. Well, sex and you touching her

doesn’t give her the heebie jeebies.23. DON’T STOP TAKING HER ON NICE DATES. When I was dating her, I’d have no problem paying a little more for nice dates.

Twenty extra bucks for the ambiance of a nicer restaurant was no biggie when I

wanted to charm her and make her feel worth it. I’d pay for nicer seats at the

show. I’d get better seats at the basketball game. So why is it that after

marriage, she was no longer worth it? Why was spending the money a waste

instead of a valuable way to keep her feeling special? Why did I stop going to

shows and basketball games and everything else?

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d think she was special enough to spend a

little extra cash on once in a while. I’d look at every extra dollar spent as an

investment into our relationship. I’d keep apprised of her favorite bands and her

favorite performing art shows and I’d surprise her with tickets before she even

knew they were coming.BONUS! nice dates lead to nice pictures on her phone which lead to everyone

on her Instagram and Facebook thinking you’re the damned coolest hubby on the

planet.24. DON’T GIVE HER GUILT FOR NEEDING TO GETAWAY FROM YOU.There were times when I just needed to get the hell away from her for a while.

And not because something was wrong. Simply because too much of anybody is

just too much. But for some reason, I always felt like something was secretly

wrong when she wanted to duck out for a while with no explanation. I’d insist she

“talk” or that she tell me what was up. I’d never just let her go and get her much

needed moments without me.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make sure she knew that it was always okay

with me if she just needed to get out and away for a little while. I would never

pressure her to have a good reason. I’d encourage her to spend some time on

her own, out with the girls, or doing what she wanted to do.BONUS! time away from you means you can sneak that triple bacon burger

she rightfully never wants you to eat.25. DON’T DROWN HER WITH YOUR SARCASM. Sarcasm comes from the Latin sarcasmos or “tearing of the flesh.” I don’t know

that having my flesh torn sounds particularly fun. Yet, fun is exactly what I

thought it was every time I’d lay on the sarcasm. Fun. No matter what she did, it

seemed I would lay on a dose of sarcasm. Happy sarcasm. Funny sarcasm. Snide

sarcasm. A lot of times straight up mean sarcasm. And, just like when I put her

down, I’d make her feel stupid for not laughing about it.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d understand that some funny sarcasm, in the

proper moments and with the right spirit can really enhance a relationship, so

long as it goes both ways. I’d also understand that when she’s trying to tell me

something important is not the time. Or when she’s trying to apologize. Or when

she’s sad that her mom’s in the hospital. Or when she’s throwing up. Or when

she miscarries. Or when she’s already about to strangle me because she just

dipped her butt in the toilet water.BONUS! when you skip the negative sarcasm, you develop a real sense of

humor instead of that sorry excuse for a funny bone you call wit. Pleeeease tell

me you noted my ironic use of sarcasm being used here.

26. DON’T MAKE HER DO THE GROSS AND SCARY THINGS.When we were dating, I was a knight in shining armor. Was there a spider that needed

killing? I was the Gladiator. Was there a drain that needed a good hair-unclogging? Who

else would she call but me? Was one of the kids losing her lunch in the entryway? Sit back

my fair lady. I’ll clean up the puke. Then, the second we were married I told her to kill her

own spiders. It was her hair clogging the drain, so why should I have to touch it? And it just

seemed like a mom’s duty to “help” a sick kid.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d cinch up my damned knickers and do the gross and

scary things that I was born to do. I’d remember that I fell in love with sugar and spice and

everything nice, not slugs and snails and puppy dog tails.

BONUS! how do I put this? When she gets scared, she more often than not needs

physical reassurance of the safety that she’ll only feel in the arms of her big, brawny, tough,

macho man.

EXTRA BONUS! after doing the gross and scary things, you get to stand up

and scream, “are you not entertained?! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” (name that

movie.)

27. DON’T THINK YOU’RE SMARTER THAN SHE IS.I have always struggled with an over-bloated “confidence” in my own intelligence, and

unfortunately that carried over into my marriage far too often. Guess who always had the

right answer about everything? Guess who always had to correct her when she was wrong?

Guess who always had to whip out his phone to prove something she said was incorrect?

Guess who would crap on her awesome ideas? Guess who was constantly DRIVING HER

CRAZY with it?

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d remember three things. One, know-it-alls drive everyone

crazy. Two, know-it-alls usually end up alone. Three, know-it-alls are wrong, a lot. And

they’re never as smart as they think they are. So, instead of thinking I knew everything and

that I knew better ways of doing everything, I’d sit back and enjoy letting her make a lot of

the decisions. I’d let her save face when she was wrong. And, I’d applaud the fact that there

are a lot of areas of life that she knows a lot more about than I do.

BONUS! not knowing everything makes you look a lot less stupid.

28. MOVE AWAY FROM HER FAMILY. AND YOURS.When we were first married, we would see my family all the time and her family almost as

often. We spent almost every Sunday at my family’s house, and a lot of weeknights and

weekends at hers. We spent nearly every holiday with our families. And every special

occasion, too. And while family is usually great, it really kept us from developing our own

working family dynamic, our own traditions, and our own strengthened way of living and

doing things. It drug us into unnecessary drama. And most of all, it kept us from learning to

lean on each other during our rough patches instead of on our parents or siblings.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would move far away from both families for a year or two.

I wouldn’t come back until we’d been through at least a few big marital challenges on our

own without the involvement of any family at all. That way, when we did come back, we’d be

strong on our own and our families would be great supplements to our marriage instead of

major players.

BONUS! when you make your own traditions, you can finally add things in that your

parents weren’t cool with. “And after we open our Christmas pajamas… everyone has to eat

a pound of chocolate. And then they have to stand on their heads while screaming. And then

they have to jump on their beds.” Stuff like that.

29. DON’T BE A TALK-HOG.I often had a way of making everything about me. I’d come home from work and want to talk

about me. I’d go to bed with her and want to talk about me. I’d want to talk about my

successes, my ideas, my struggles, and my worries. Usually I’d realize I was being a talk-

hog and I’d ask her about what was going on with her, but only listen with half an ear, hardly

reply, and be anxious to move the conversation back to me as soon as possible.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shut the heck up. And, because of my little problem, I’d

try not to talk about me at all until I knew about her day, her successes, her ideas, her

struggles, and her worries.

BONUS! when you listen, you hear nifty things that remind you how awesome and

messed up and funny and perfect for you she really is.

30. DON’T DEMAND THAT SHE TELL YOU WHAT SHE’S THINKING.I always knew when something was wrong. I always knew when something was bugging her.

I always knew when she disapproved of something I said or did. And, I always knew when

she was keeping her mouth shut about it. Being the great communicator that I was, I would

badger her, and pester her, and harass her until she finally told me what she was thinking.

And sure enough, it was usually what I thought it was, and the next world war would break

out.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shrug my shoulders and send serious thank you vibes

to her for keeping her opinion or her disapproval to herself, even though I’d know they

weren’t positive. I’d recognize the noble reasons she was doing it, and I’d respect those

reasons. I’d learn not to take it all personally and I’d learn not to desperately need approval

for everything I did or said.

BONUS! when war is averted, nobody ends up clobbered and wounded and hungry for

blood. Which is always nice.

31. DON’T BUY INTO YOUR GRANDPARENTS’ GENDER ROLES.I had no trouble letting my wife go join all the other wives on Sundays and fix dinner for all of

us men. I also had no trouble letting them all do clean-up without our help. I enjoyed playing

pool, or ping pong, or chattin’ it up with the fellas while the women toiled. It’s just what

happens more often than not in my family, and I often brought it home with me during the

week. After all. I had a job, so she did everything else. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

Well, apparently not because it always led to all sorts of justified resentment.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:I’d realize that working a desk job is usually a heck of a lot

easier than working at home all day. I’d jump into the chores that she had left when I got

home so that we could both enjoy some quality free time later on. I’d insist on doing the

dishes more often. I’d demand that she relax sometimes while I got the kids ready for bed.

And, I’d never let myself think that her work was easier or less important than mine.

BONUS! appreciated wives show their appreciation for it in much more private settings,

like the bedroom. And by appreciation, I mean they’ll surprise you with that incredible nerdy

electric tie rack that spins.

Oh, and probably sex, too. I hadn’t even thought of that.

I had lots more written out, but the list started getting super long so I’ll stop right there and

maybe do a part 2. It’s amazing when you’ve had relationships end, just how much you learn

and know you could have done differently, isn’t it?

My sister and her new husband will be amazing. Hopefully she’ll always be giving amazing

marriage advice in the future and never have to hand out the “keep your marriage from

ending” advice like I get to.

singlemomlaughing 5pts20 minutes agoThank you for giving me the courage to face regret...ShareFlagLikeReply

MissyBell 5pts2 hours ago

I love these realizations. I will share on my Facebook and Twitter as well. It a great reminder, even for those of us who have been married 22 years. Great job. Missy Bellwww.PeaceAndHappinessProject.comShareFlagLikeReply

winifred 5pts5 hours agoI love this. I've just gotta ask...exactly how many marriage proposals have you received since this post? Oh, and I really appreciated the Legally Blonde reference. :)

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keriannlewis 5pts5 hours agoThese are great. I would add, be grateful. Appreciate, verbally, the things your spouse does that support you, your home, your family, your relationship. It's important not to let those things go unnoticed or they will quickly seem unimportant.ShareFlagLikeReply

Shanika 5pts5 hours agoI LOVED this! My husband and I are newly married and I'm always trying to make sure I'm doing it right. There's a lot of stuff on this list that either he does or I do and I want to use this as a guideline so I can do better. Also, I think it's absolutely amazing that your sister has someone who loves her enough to be say "hey here's where I did wrong..." I wish I had a brother like you! Great job!ShareFlagLikeReply

treciamerlin 5pts7 hours ago

My Name is Lancellotte, i want to share my little testimony about the Home who helped me GET BACK MY LOVER, I contacted THE SPELLCASTERS in regards of my lover which i get married to since 1974. He swear not to associate with the other woman anymore. He came back to me and it was like a miracle to me and i couldn't believe it. When he came back 2weeks ago he appologised to me and promised not to do same act again. voodoo spellcasters, i promise you that once he is back full time because he is out of Country now..., i will do anything to appreciate the gods just to show you how grateful i am. Anyone who has been having problems with Lovers and Ex.lovers should contact the spellcasters via email for help on: voodoospellcast@yahoo.com or call +2347030759636... Thank you once again!ShareFlagLikeReply

treciamerlin 5pts7 hours agoLancellotteShareFlagLikeReply

hmmm124 5pts8 hours agoYup. I married a good guy. Gonna go back to watching "Holy Motors" now. If anyone can explain it to me, I'm listening. ShareFlagLikeReply

AbbyBandurraga 5pts9 hours agoI just discovered this blog and totally love it. I would add to #14 to now use phrase like "You always do ....." or "you never ...." It's such an easy default when one is upset but it makes a person question their view of themselves in a negative way. I feel so fortunate that my ex-partner of 8 years and I have remained the best of friends over the past several years and can talk openly about what was hurtful at the end of our relationship and what we wish we would have done differently. It was eye-opening for both of us and will ultimately make him and I better partners in future relationships. ShareFlagLikeReply

Maureen151961 5pts9 hours agoThe problem in most failed marriages is that people fail to realize it takes effort and lots and lots of work and dedication. What's more important in a relationship - passion or dedication? The answer is dedication because without it the passion will fall by the wayside. Great post, thanks for sharing.

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katie 5pts10 Jul@Rachellerios14 @danoah Love this :)Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

BeckerAndrea 5pts13 hours agoI wish that my husband would read this and make some changes before its too late. i also hope that i can learn from this list and be a better wifeShareFlagLikeReply

coredeep 5pts10 hours agoif wishes were fishes... nothing beats correct communications. Ask nicely if you could borrow his attention and ask they read this. The worst case... it's not read and nothing changes... best case... happy marriage. But to just hope out of the blue they see this is like hoping you'll win the multi-million jackpot. Why gamble happiness? ShareFlagLikeReply

BeckerAndrea 5pts8 hours ago@ coredeep you are correct - I am very very open about my feelings, wants and needs. He did read this today actually - I am thankful for that. I will say too that I have some

work to do on my own attitude. it is so nice to hear it from a mans perspective - I married a quiet man - he is a good good man - but its often hard to read him.ShareFlagLikeReply

Bam39 5pts14 hours agoI echo so many of the things you wrote. I divorced 3 years ago and so many of the things here that became big deals didn't have to be if we were more mindful about feeding our connection. I am in a sweet and solid relationship now and one of the things I realized from this post is that my partner and I always hold hands in the car and you are right it makes a difference in your closeness. On long drives we don't even have to say anything, but I always feel him there in a big way.Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your vulnerability.ShareFlagLikeReply

Brenda Harper 5pts1 day agoI have one minor disagreement, that I would like you to consider. I think it is a good idea to have disagreements in front of the kids, with the exception of discussing discipline of the children and issues related to sex, or subjects that would cause undo stress on the kids. I think if you can disagree without yelling, calling names, and acting like little kids, it is great role modeling for kids. And saying I am sorry in front of the kids is an extra bonus that teaches kids when you make mistakes try to fix it:)

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Stephanie123 5pts1 day agoI disagree. From personal experience, I can tell you that children don't understand arguments and they usually react to changes in tone of voice. My parents used to argue a lot when I was little and I used to get nervous because I thought it was serious. When I grew up, I learned that it was usually about minor things. I had no idea what they were arguing about, yet it took a negative toll on me. ShareFlag

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BalSimon 5pts12 hours ago@Stephanie123 - I'd suggest that it depends on how arguments happen. And if the parents made a point of telling the kids that the argument wasn't all that negative and that there was nothing for them to be concerned about (as long as THAT was true), then the kids could learn how disagreements can be discussed without dire consequences. Or course personalities, skill, sensitivities, etc. matter. And I'm with Brenda that some thins should reasonably be "off limits" - especially in front of young children. But done right, disagreements can add depth to a child's growing up experience.ShareFlagLikeReply

yamz 5pts2 days agoYou have to appreciate one another. Once that's gone then your relationship is cooked.ShareFlagLikeReply

lildana19941 5pts2 days agoI am currently engaged and I had my fiance read this also. We both realized we do many things on this list and we have vowed to treat each other better for rest of our engagement and for our marriage. Thank you for your wonderful advice!ShareFlag

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melitini 5pts2 days agoI will never stop doing #10.... and doing #1 at the same time would be nice. ShareFlag

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KaelynnGidley 5pts1 day ago@melitini LOL nice.ShareFlagLikeReply

EdwinaLorres1 5pts2 days agoLife can be very displeasing especially when we loose the ones we love and cherish so much. in this kind of situation where one loses his/her soul mate there are several dangers engage in it. one may no longer be able to do the things he was doing before then success will be very scarce and happiness will be rare. that person was created to be with you for without him things may fall apart.That was my experience late last year. but thank god today i am happy with him again. all thanks to DR AKPAKPA, i was nearly loosing hope until i saw an article on how DR AKPAKPA could cast a love spell to make lovers come back. There is no harm in trying, i said to my self. i contacted him via email: afiamensolutionshrine@yahoo.com. words will not be enough to appreciate what he has done for me. i have promised to share the good news as long as i live.

BESTY ADAMS ShareFlagLikeReply

coredeep 5pts1 day agomy soulmate was killed by a drunk driver last July 23. i know what you mean... im living in Seattle now and dating has been very discouraging. pretty defeated and i go through moments of being just ok. but im sleeping 20hrs a day and no longer engaged in life. When i returned to Seattle I went dancing regularly... but lately im lucky to get myself out once a month. i hope one day i find a second soulmate... ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5pts1 day ago@ coredeep Sorry to hear that. My best friend lost his soulmate in a car accident 5 years ago and he was driving. One minute she was there in the passenger seat, the next moment, she was dead. He went through a rough period too. However, after a period of

time, I sat down and had a heart to heart to remind him of this: What would your soulmate desire for you? Wouldn't your soulmate want you to be happy and not grieve after a period of time? Wouldn't your soulmate want you to get up and get going. If your soulmate was looking down on you seeing you NOT getting up and getting out, what would he/she say? Wouldn't they tell you to STOP IT! Wouldn't they still want what is best for you? Wouldn't they want you to start the second chapter of your life? Wouldn't they want you to dig deep and rid yourself of those feelings of discouragement, depression and unhappiness? I think so. He is now engaged to be married again soon and is as happy as one can be after such a tragedy. I hope his future wife makes him just as happy as his deceased wife. If you can't do it with the strength that is within you - get some professional help. And if the professional help you obtain is not working, find some that will and does work. Recommendations from friends and organizations should be able to direct to someone that is effective in helping those in your position rise up again. Don't be defeated. Be victorious! Your next soulmate might even be better than your first.

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coredeep 5pts1 day agothank youShareFlagLikeReply

CatiMae 5pts2 days agoThese are great... definitely some points to keep in mind.The best marriage advice that I got was from my mom and she told me that we should never go to bed angry. If my husband and I get in an argument, we both make sure that we make up and everything is okay between us before we fall asleep. To help us keep this advice in mind, I got one of those signs that says Always Kiss Me Goodnight... it definitely helps!ShareFlag

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Stephanie123 5pts1 day ago

@CatiMae Agreed. But sometimes a good night sleep helps get your thoughts in order. And when you wake up, both of you might forget what you argued about the night before. ShareFlagLikeReply

TerraBowersSnavely 5pts3 days agogreat ideas! The only one that might need some tweaking is not fighting in front of the kids.. Kids learn most skills in the home - even how to argue effectively. It's good for kids to see how to work out a problem, how to apologize, forgive, and make up. With that said, it's certainly not good to have screaming matches in front of the kids (or otherwise). If you can't argue respectfully - take a time out. Modeling that behavior is good, to.ShareFlag

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KaelynnGidley 5pts2 days ago@TerraBowersSnavely: I agree with you 100%! If we flee the room whenever we are angry/upset, that only teaches children to run away from conflict and to suppress negative feelings. Totally unhealthy.ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5pts2 days ago@KaelynnGidley @TerraBowersSnavely When you are angry, you fight. Voices are raised, listening ceases, sometimes yelling occurs, and disrespect comes to the forefront. There is a big difference in disagreements and fights. Fights are setting a bad example. We must understand the differences between the two. So I still agree with the writer - do not fight in front of the kids.ShareFlag

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TerraBowersSnavely 5pts3 days ago

great ideas! The only one that might need some tweaking is not fighting in front of the kids.. ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5pts3 days ago@TerraBowersSnavely Kids are exposed to too much negative stuff in this world. Parents fighting is one of them. Nothing is positive about fighting. So why expose kids to that which is negative? The writer is right. Fighting in front of kids sets a bad example. Teaching kids how to apologize and forgive should be done through instilling spiritual values and morals in them. Not by fighting in front of them.

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TerraBowersSnavely 5pts2 days ago@Gee Man @TerraBowersSnavelyI disagree. Well not about teaching how to apologize and forgive. And not about instilling morals. But, learning how to argue should be a healthy part of childhood. Kids can learn that even when you disagree with someone you can still be respectful. Parents can model reflective listening skills showing kids that even when we disagree we can listen to the other's point of view. Parents can show kids that when we're too angry or emotional to argue constructively, taking a break is appropriate. Many adults never learn positive conflict resolution - the home can be a safe positive place to learn that valuable skill.Further, fighting isn't necessarily negative. It can be a productive and necessary part of all relationships. Two people will almost never agree on everything, and people who live together will occasional rub each other the wrong way. Modeling positive resolution when that happens can teach kids to do the same.

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Gee Man 5pts2 days ago@TerraBowersSnavely @Gee Man A healthy discussion or a disagreement is not classified as fighting. Fighting is when screaming, yelling and name calling is the order

of the day. As you said, when anger or dangerous emotions surface - the conversation should be halted in front of kids because it leads to fights. The writer is talking about fighting not disagreements or positive conflict resolution. So we must understand the difference. When a couple are actually fighting - they are not respectful and they are definitely not listening to the other. So considering the definition of fighting - I would still agree with the writer. Do not fight in front of the kids.

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TerraBowersSnavely 5pts2 days ago@Gee Man @TerraBowersSnavely I totally agree on that score, but I would take that one step further and say do not fight. If there is screaming yelling and name calling, no meaningful resolution can take place. What does happen is feelings are hurt, and things that aren't really meant, but can't be taken back are said. Better to get some space and come back to discuss it when everyone is calm. However, doing that in the heat of the moment is HARD. But it's exactly what we teach kids. If they're angry, it's not okay to hit or call their friend names, they should walk away. As hard as it is, having parents do what they teach is priceless.ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5pts1 day ago@TerraBowersSnavely @Gee Man Exactly Terra! That is the way I feel also. Mature adults should be able to manage their anger and stop short of fighting. If they can't - they need to take anger management classes and renew their minds according to what they have learned in those classes. I did that 18 years ago. Now I am able to recognize my level of anger and stop it short of fighting.ShareFlagLikeReply

rachelk426 5pts2 days ago

@Gee Man @TerraBowersSnavely There are some fights that should be shielded from children, but it doesn't hurt to have a disagreement in front of them - even if it gets heated and angry - and let them watch you resolve it and make up. It's ok for children to see people get upset at each other and still love each other through all of it.ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5pts2 days ago@rachelk426 @Gee Man @TerraBowersSnavely When disagreements elevate to the point where anger sets in - that usually results in yelling, screaming, not listening due to anger - when we are angry our minds shut down as it relates to listening and respecting our spouses. This results in fights and is not productive for anyone. This gives our kids the message that fighting is ok - when in fact it is not. Mature adults should be able to discuss and resolve disagreements without fighting. That is the example we want to set for our children. So I respectfully disagree and feel the writer is correct in advising us not to fight in front of the kids.ShareFlag

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lydia 5pts3 days agoBest advice I got before I got married was from a family I worked for as a nanny- they didn't have the awesomest marriage in the world, but it was decent. She told me "just be nice to each other." So simple. "Just be nice to eachother." After she said that, I started noticing. She did it more than him, but they would just do nice things like carry the laundry into the laundry room (also nice for me as a nanny), or pick each other up a sandwich on the way home. I have been employing that advice for three years now. It's going well. ShareFlag

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Jazy Jay Don 5pts3 days agoI'm currently going 5 years into a relationship and find mysefl doing a lot of these. But here's the thing, these are not always causes. It seems that most of the articles of this nature are primarily focused on the emotional needs of women.

Of course I don't find this surprising because most men don't like to express emotions. You may rebuttal and say that this article is written by a man and I would reply by saying that it's written by a man blaming himself out of grief for his failed marriage.

In my case, the final point encompasses all the other. I distance myself quite a lot when i'm upset and as a result all other things on the list begin to happen. Some would say that I need to talk about why I'm upset but it's usually very rare a Man comes out of a conversation as the victim. So throughout the course of the discussion, all the points on this list go from being effects to being causes. ShareFlag

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RobertSaenz 5pts2 days agoThat's such a great great point. It's not rare for men to blame their selfs for the failure of thier relationship. It takes two and the fact is, it takes two to help a marriage fail. Society cares to little for the feelings of the man. Always so eager to insist in its male dominated mentality, we men have no feelings. And that's ... Probably the worst and biggest problem with our society. Ignoring the men and ignoring the man inside and really, being a real man enough to admit to feeling other things besides feelings about sports, work and aggression. If the author would have know how to express him self in other ways about the things that were bothering him ... Maybe she would have been ... Or maybe they both would have been more ale to work those hidden feelings, thoughts and perspectives, out. ShareFlagLikeReply

mab0900 5pts3 days agoA note about holding hands and doing for the other person. My spouse came to our marriage from two failed marriages and a family where he was convinced he was not loved. He had a major fear of rejection and was sure, in his heart of hearts, that no one could love him. After only a few years of marriage he started looking for signs that the end was near, signs that I did not love him. The thing is that we tend to find what we are looking for... the old "Seek and ye shall find" business is true. So, when ever I did or didn't do something, he would take it as a sign I didn't care about him or his needs/wants. For example, I would reach for his hand and he would tell himself that I was putting on a show while we were out in public, until I reached for his hand when no one was around and we were walking through a parking deck in a strange city. Or, all of the ice in the freezer would be gone and he would never see me cracked any. Well guess what, he

would go through 3 trays of ice in a day and I would maybe use three cubes every other day, but, to him, I didn't love him because I never cracked ice. It took a major blowout to help him get past his fear of rejection. He had had surgery, he was in pain, and he could not do for himself. At one point, in one of his rages, he responded to my question "what do you want?" with "a wife who cares." To me that translated to "I do not want you or our marriage." However, I also knew loving is a choice and a commitment, not a necessarily a feeling. Loving someone means doing the right thing by them, regardless of how you feel at the moment. So, in response to his rejection of me, I basically effaced myself from dealing with him, aside from seeing that his basic needs were meet. I would ferry him to the doctor, make sure he was feed, and go shopping for him, because I had made a commitment to him. If he wanted a divorce, he would have to make it happen; especially since, we had kids and I was not willing to disrupt their lives at that point. The breakthrough came because of a cup of coffee. When he or the kids used to wake me up in the morning with a cup of coffee, I would comment "and I love you too!" After the blowup, when I would get up early to leave for work, I would still leave a cup of coffee for him by the bedside. After about three months of living side-by-side with no intimacy of any kind, yet not abandoning him or abusing him, he finally asked "Why do you do that?" when I brought him a cup of coffee. "Because I feel like it," was the start of major healing for us. So, yes, hold hands, kiss each other when one of you is going or coming, try to make your spouse laugh at least once a day, and do something that says I thought about you and I care.ShareFlag

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KaelynnGidley 5pts1 day ago@mab0900 Wow, what a touching story! Thank you for sharing. :)ShareFlagLikeReply

ToshaObrien 5pts4 days ago

I want to share my testimony to you all which i believe you can still try your best to give a testimony like this so i was married to halen sergey at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hopping one day he will change for good no way he did not change so i was in pain every day don't no what to do on till one day when a friend of mine visited me in my office she met me crying then she was asking me what is going on i try to be cam but i

could not then i open up to her telling me there is a way out which i will do before he left me with my kids i look up and not knowing what to do then i ask her to tell me. shortly she open up to me and say there is a man called lord kalifat he is a spirit man he can do it with in 2days then i look an said okay i will try my best to contact him four days later, my husband did not come home i called his phone switch off then i try my possible best i did not hear from him so i began to look for one way for a help so i remember my friend told me about one man call lord kalifat i quickly run to my friend asking her if she still have lord kalifat contact then she gave it to me that was how i contacted this great man of spirit he did it for me so quick so now i can now control my husband in any thing even i can tell him that i don't want him outside today he will not. Now i have a happy family so via email: lordkalifat@gmail.com

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jessiemomma 5pts4 days agoAs a little sister myself, I hope you realize what a special thing you did for this new bride. She will always feel as if you have her back and her new husband will realize how important their relationship is. I've been divorced for 9 years and I agree with everything on your list. They are important for both sexes to remain mindful of, there are not universally male issues.Thank you for sharing these insights with the world, because many people still need this reminder. ShareFlagLikeReply

Midwesterner 5pts5 days agoWhat you suggest requires that both parties feel and do the same things! This is good. Yet, we are all human beings. Getting beyond our errors, and being able to say what is important to each other, and honest communications are the most critical area. Learning to listen, and not become offended, can be helpful in correcting course. People need to know that they are being heard, and change is possible. Too often, we simply blame the other person and don't look at our own flaws. If we listen and adapt we can grow and expand our love and understanding.Your ideas are idealized, but are like the goals we all shoot for. They do need to be in the forefront of our interactions. My first two marriages failed because I needed more time to learn to know the individuals as close friends prior to marriage, not letting passion or loneliness precede friendship. Now, after 29 years of marriage to a good & now loving friend & companion I have learned to be very aware of many of the things you have written. Marriage is being fully aware, taking nothing for granted and investing in loving behaviors everyday. This can be

work sometimes, it can be joy on others. We have both grown from being committed to our marriage and the second half has been lovely. So I encourage others to "keep on dating" your loved one, as if it could be the last day you would be together... and it could be. Appreciate and respect your love, no one else can create it for you, it is a team effort! Try harder, feel better..... don't give up!ShareFlagLikeReply

coredeep 5pts5 days agoThank you for sharing. I hope one day soon I can put all this wonderful insight to good use with my friends... AND potential "her". Rouen SterlingSeattleShareFlagLikeReply

skzkz 5pts5 days agoWell sounds loke you just married thd wrong person. If you had mode in common that list would be effortless. Dont be so hard on yourself. ShareFlagLikeReply

Barbara 5pts6 days agoGreat, great advice! So sorry it cost you so much to accumulate this amount of marriage wisdom.Windy831 5pts6 days agoI agree with all of it ! One thing I would like to add , Don't stop doing the little things for her. My husband used to call me on his lunch break, then he stopped. It made me wonder what he was doing that he couldn't call and say " I love you" or "I miss you" . That is when my marriage started to fail. Sometimes it's the little things that matter the most.ShareFlag

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Aerykah 5pts6 days agoI hate that you've had to go through two divorces... But I think you've given some pretty great advice and it's nice of you to be willing to share it with others.ShareFlagLikeReply

KaelynnGidley 5pts6 days agoI'm getting married soon, and I really appreciate this list. I want to do everything I can to keep myself and my spouse happy. I only disagree about one thing: I don't think you should fully avoid arguing in front of the children. I have a degree in Child Development, and I've learned that children benefit from observing a healthy model of conflict resolution. (Emphasize "healthy.") Of course, fighting, name-calling, and yelling in front of the kids is never okay. But that's never okay with or without kids around. It is okay for children to witness a disagreement. If you start getting upset with one another and decide to go talk it out in another room, the child can still sense that something is wrong. Kids can pick up on that atmosphere, and it will negatively affect them, ESPECIALLY if they never see it resolved. Allow your child to learn how you communicate and solve problems, and let him share in the relieving knowledge that everything is/will be okay. ShareFlag

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RobertSaenz 5pts6 days agoI agree, in part. You're arguments should never be allowed to continue so much to the point that you have to excuse the children. Also ... There are some disagreements that children are old enough to process and also just shit that's none of their business like. Sex is a no. Money is sometimes & depending. Money and food shortage is ... A lot of stress for adults, let alone a child's. but other things like, Do we have enough for the movies, how and why? You are there first and most important teachers. You settle example. And learning how to work. Things out without losing control is very important. Sending the away for every argument and sending them away then having a loud loss of control argument shows them how to lose control but keeps them from learning anything about problem solving. Stab in the dark here ... My guess is that in some form or another you were taught that your behavior in a relationship in the past was not only acceptable but normal. As we grow up .. Some things carry over subconciously and consciously as learned by lesson/example of both your (and everyone's) parents.ShareFlag

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RobertSaenz 5pts6 days agoSorry for the misspellings.on a slow stream.ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5pts6 days ago@KaelynnGidley I don't care what you learned in Child Development. I have a degree in Life Development. And I know that when adults don't agree on something it oftentimes turns into a fight that includes elevating your voice/yelling. It is not reality to think that you will not upset each other. It is unrealistic to think that most adults can settle conflict in a so-called healthy manner. Therefore, if you feel a need to discuss something that could lead to conflict - do it out of the presence of the kids in case it turns into a fight or unhealthy discussion. Kid will learn how to solve problems as they get older and mature. Nowadays we expose our kids to too much. One reason why the kids are bad nowadays. To much exposure to bad/negative stuff. The writer is right - don't argue, fuss, or fight in front of the kids. It's none of their business. They should see harmony and model that.

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RobertSaenz 5pts6 days ago@Gee Man @KaelynnGidley you seem really angry. I'm not sure what you think, now a days means. Grumpy old men and woman have always said, now a days. As if - now a days had anything to do with your grumpy disposition. You can't just abort your children out of the room every time you get into a disagreement. There not sheep, cattle or dogs to shoosh away.Calm your ass down instead and solve your problems like an adult . . . not some screaming monkey.

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Gee Man 5pts6 days ago@RobertSaenz @Gee Man @KaelynnGidley I apologize if I came off as the grumpy old man. I am definitely not that. I just made the mistake earlier on in my life by discussing disagreements in front of the kids. As I look back on it - I see that was a mistake. What you mentioned Robert is the exact problem that I see. Let's be real - most adults lack the ability to solve their problems like adults. Instead they fight in front of the kids. It's not the kids that need to leave the room. It's the adults that need to discontinue their discussions when they detect it becoming unhealthy, and go somewhere else to discuss their differences - out of the presence of their kids. What I mean by nowadays is in this day and age I believe we expose our children to too much adult stuff. They are right their in the middle of adult conversations and I don't think it's healthy. Let alone reality TV which exposes them to unhealthy debates, discussions, and arguments. I wish adult would understand the importance of calming their ass down. But most do not. They have no control over their emotions/feelings. As far as shooshing away your kids - when I was growing up - my parents always told me and my siblings to disappear, go outside and play or do something instead of sitting there listening to grown folks conversations. And we complied without feeling bad. We knew whatever was going on was none of our business. Especially when they were entertaining company.ShareFlagLikeReply

RobertSaenz 5pts7 days ago:( sorry you're marriages didn't work out. i'm sorry that that pain and regret is there. i know its somehow supposed to be funny . . . but . . . its not. ShareFlagLikeReply

Jette 5pts7 days agoI thought your posting was very honest and I thought that you took tremendous responsibility for the two way street that marriage is. I have a pretty successful marriage now, though this is MY do-over. All that you said is REALLY, REALLY important. And it may happen in your next marriage/relationship, that some of these things slip, or go a little weak. But that is life, and that is marriage sometimes. The important thing is that

you catch it before it becomes a game changer in a bad way. I think that that was the most important lesson I learned from my first marriage failing. Kudos to you! And I wish for you all that you desire in the future in love <3ShareFlagLikeReply

kcstar 5pts7 days agoI have some serious changes to make... I knew it before, but this is just such a clear wake up call... I will push him away if I do not open myself to change and working on myself... I am GUILTY!ShareFlagLikeReply

Sunshine 5pts7 days agoYour article is so real, simple and honest...which is part of what makes it so appealing. Other than that...most of us either are or have been in a relationship and we have all either slacked or taken our partners for granted. This article is a perfect reminder of what we should or should not be doing to keep our relationships going! Thank you for your work! And good luck with your next relationship! ShareFlagLikeReply

jlwf 5pts03 Jul@MidwestPhoto You might be interested in my new project: @BuildingBoys. @iproposethisReply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

michaela 5pts8 days agoThese were all pretty great ^_^ Thanks for the advice; it'll come in handy when I /do/ get married! ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5pts7 days ago@michaela Where do you live? Just curious.ShareFlagLikeReply

JenniferMehlingTwitty 5pts8 days agoGreat list! I would say that if I could tell my husband anything, it would be to stop telling me how to do everything in his "better" way and stop being a know-it-all. Also, reach out and have other friends so the spouse doesn't have to be the entertainer. Friends are needed too, even when the spouse is your best friend. As for myself, I am working on being more creative in the kitchen. I hate cooking, and he loves it. And don't forget to touch each other. A peck, a stroke of the face, a slap on the rear all say, "I'm thinking of you and want to be near/with you.ShareFlagLikeReply

Brigamongus 5pts8 days agoThe only advice I give to a soon to be groom is remember "every man marries out of his league and every woman settles" :)ShareFlagLikeReply

daisie 5pts8 days agoI wish my husband would actually listen to this advice. Unfortunately he thinks he already knows everything so therefore does not have to listen to anyone else. If he doesn't stop he'll have a second divorce.ShareFlagLikeReply

randomgirl7 5pts10 days agoSo true! I've been divorced and had a broken engagement... I ended both. I can spot a lot of the in-between issues stated here that ended up making us miserable (stopped kissing, calling out faults, etc)

All the best, I hope your next relationship is a success :) ShareFlagLikeReply

LdyLarke 5pts10 days agoFirst of all, I'm amazed that you spent the time to write this post on this topic! So kudos for that. Obviously, you really have thought about this and it matters to you. That's so amazing! I think intellectually most of us know that these things are true and that we should be doing them. Actually doing them is another story! One can only hope to do better and keep on doing better. Fantastic post! Latest blog post: Fixing Up Your Family CabinShareFlagLikeReply

rosesxrosesxroses 5pts10 days agoThank you so much Dan :) Great adviceShareFlagLikeReply

alhmom16 5pts12 days ago#9 The movie is Legally Blond !! :)ShareFlagLikeReply

amberwagman 5pts

12 days agoAs a therapist and someone who has been married for 8 years, (together for 15), I think this was one of the best things I've ever read! You hit the nail on the head with all 16 things. Hopefully 3rd times a charm for you, because it seems as if you will really do well!!! If you don't mind, I would love to print these out and give them to my clients who are in marriage counseling :-)ShareFlag

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Humbleone 5pts12 days agoI think this is very thoughtful, although brutally honest advice. Good to read, and good to know. Every couple could learn something from your blog, whether you have a great, good, or poor relationship. Thanks for sharing

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joytessy 5pts13 days ago

Thank him for making my wish true! I was totally devastated when my beloved lover left me. It was like my entire world vanishing into sorrow and pain. But dr Ogugu of the spellcasteroftheworlswid@live.com kind words when I first emailed him gave me hope. I felt how sincere, honest and authentic he was from his first email. I know it sounds weird but out of all the casters I contacted, he was the only one to give me that impression of being so true and caring. More than his words, it s the fantastic work he accomplished for me that I will keep in mind. He brought my lover back and he made all my wishes come true. He s now loyal, pays attention to me, he offers me flowers every Sunday, and we often go out at the cinema and the restaurant even though we have food at home. I will be forever thankful for turning my life from hell to heaven! i believe who need help should get to him for help because he is specialist of all kind of phicical and speritual problem. If you are In any problem don't hesitate to contact me on spellcasteroftheworlswid@live.com or call him at +447031973296

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Marie 5pts13 days agoIf I'm ever in that awkward situation that you described of having to give advice about marriage publicly I am just going to tell the room to read these two posts by Dan Pearce. I think I'm going to print some of these out and stick them on my fridge and my bathroom mirror, and the sun visor in my car, etc. Thanks for your brutal honesty. These two posts are way more useful than most of the relationship books I've read. ShareFlag

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Hank1974 5ptsJun 27, 2013I can't believe people need to read something as ridiculous as "Don't poop with the door open".That SCREAMS of selfishness.ShareFlagLikeReply

Melanie Potter 5pts12 days ago@Hank1974 have you ever been married? have you ever lived with a lover? these things happen if you don't stay on top of it. as someone who has been married for 13 years, it does seem to fit with the rest of them, even if it is sillyShareFlagLikeReply

JustDivorced 5pts12 days ago@Melanie Potter @Hank1974 I have lived with someone and been married before, and that one still shocked me. I mean, everyone knows not to let yourself go, but that one really takes that to the nth degree.ShareFlagLikeReply

tgrovesct 5pts

10 days agoSadly lots of people do (tho thank God it hasn't happened here!). But there's TONS of gross, every day stuff your partner doesn't need to see that's implied here. They don't need to watch you pick your nose or teeth, trim your hair (ANYWHERE!). That little fart that escapes when you pee? Yuck. Flossing your teeth, cleaning your ears, clipping your toenails, scratching "down there"... Yes, these are the stuff of life & are either hygienicly necessary or just happen, but if you didn't want your significant other to see them when you were trying to get them to FALL in love, don't do them if you want them to keep looking at you that way.ShareFlag

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TerraBowersSnavely 5pts2 days ago@tgrovesct I second lots of those behaviors when in public, too. Once I saw a woman using her 2 inch long fake fingernails to dig out her son's ear. I bout hurled.ShareFlagLikeReply

Newfoundation 5ptsJun 27, 2013I think you just helped to save my relationship. good stuff that guys our age should know, but we become comfortable and complacent. We forget... we should never forget.ShareFlagLikeReply

JustDivorced 5ptsJun 27, 2013I just got divorced two months ago; it's his second divorce. We were together 12 years, but married for just short of five. I'm still amazed things got as bad as they did. Some of it was my fault, but he says it was almost all his fault. He did a lot of the things on this list, many of which are actually abusive behaviors--as in, not just a bad idea for a healthy relationship, but actually *abusing* someone. This book, "Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One," by Steven Stosny described our relationship perfectly. I advise anyone who identified with the sarcasm, name calling, criticism, and emotional distancing to pick it up. It really helped me see that I wasn't crazy and I deserved better. The book is helpful for husband and wife, and gives ways for the couple to try to reconnect, which

unfortunately my husband wasn't strong enough/invested enough to do (might not have been able to love him again even if he had, so we'll never know).Here’s an important thing that didn’t make it on the list: don’t ignore warning signs, because we women pretty much always give them. The marriage books I’ve read are right: when a woman finally leaves, she’s done. Completely. Most men think it’s temporary, and that things will work out. A woman has weighed every option and made a final decision by the time she goes. And by that time, so much damage has been done that it’s pretty difficult to get back together. So don’t ignore warning signs. You don’t need to agree to the exact suggestion, but at least acknowledge she thinks there’s a problem. If your wife suggests therapy, that’s a red flag. If she buys a lot of marriage improvement books, that’s a red flag. If she suggests you go on an anti-depressant because you are unhappy all the time, that’s a red flag. If she asks you for things she can work on, and you tell her not to bother—red flag. If your wife gives you a book about abusive marriages, and begs you to read it because it describes your marriage perfectly, and you decline, don’t be surprised when she moves out four months later! (And especially don’t say, “What can I do? Tell me what I can do!?!?”)But really, what it comes down to, I think, is this: when your wife thinks, overall, is her life is better and happier because you are in it, can she answer yes? Because if she can't, if she's strong enough, she will leave you. I did, and I never thought I would divorce, because I am happy to work on relationships and I come from a family of really long-lived marriages. But I had no choice. You can’t love someone who hurts you over and over and over, unless you are sick. I am now with someone who treats me beautifully, while my ex-husband sleeps alone. I wish him every happiness in this world--I just don't think he can take the actions to find it. ShareFlag

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jenna 5ptsJun 27, 2013Being 24 and in a 4 year long relationship, not married, but getting there, I find myself already seeing some of these horrible traits in my relationship (no offense). It really brought light on things I need to change, and some things I would like him to address as well. Thanks.ShareFlagLikeReply

LisaKarinaBarleben 5ptsJun 26, 2013Thank you. I already find myself being more reflexive in my own relationship. This list has really stuck with me.ShareFlag

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Ameed 5ptsJun 26, 2013Thank you so much for sharing those wonderful tips, It is a wonderful guideline to evaluate a relationship, not only how not to blow a marriage, but also to maintain it, thanks again and best of luck. ShareFlagLikeReply

mushoo 5ptsJun 25, 2013First I want to say, wow this list is amazing!!Second I want to say, thank you so much for sharing this list with us! If I can get my husband to read it we might be able to fix our relationship.And third I want to say, you may not have a chance at a do over with your exs, but to me it seems like you've learned something from looking back at your past, and that gives you a chance for a do over with your future relationships! Good luck to you!!

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BlessingMarshall 5ptsJun 25, 2013I totally agree with your advice and appreciate you sharing it. Thank you:-) ShareFlagLikeReply

Dallasgal93 5ptsJun 25, 2013you just made me realize all whats wrong with my current relationship..... you're right. people get "stuck" in the comfort zone and they just eventually settle for new because it's easier to rebuild and start new than to reconstruct and fix the old.ShareFlagLikeReply

Jeni1069 5ptsJun 25, 2013Goes both ways...husbands need this as much as wives. :)ShareFlag

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Jessie 5ptsJun 25, 2013All of the intimacy parts (and stingy with money) fit my former marriage to a T. No one can expect that alienating the other person from all affection will ever end well, it will just end. I'd say that the other two major contributions were sharing. Men should never share their heart or their penis with any other woman. Ever. Period. ShareFlag

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BrittaWife 5ptsJun 25, 2013I am still married to my first and only husband, but I still feel like I learned some things from your list! You helped me to realize a couple things I do that I shouldn't! Thanks!ShareFlag

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Susanne 5ptsJun 25, 2013Totally agree, Dan. I've only had one marriage (so far) and a handful of serious relationships. The things you've shared work both ways. And it's also good to note if hints of these things show up BEFORE you even get married, when you're still in the dating stage. It's not likely to magically get any better after you exchange those vows so don't settle for less before you say "I do"!ShareFlag

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bthaves 5ptsJun 24, 2013I may not be married, but none the less we have been together quite some time. I love this list because there is so much in here that are things that I need to work on. Things that i never really thought of as a big deal, or things that I didn't even notice I have been doing until after reading this and looking back on our relationship. I think im going to return to this list and read again from time to time so i don't forget to work on not loosing my relationship.ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 25, 2013@bthaves If you love her you will do just what you suggested. Print the list - and put it somewhere private where you would see it everyday. Maybe use small font and just make it big enough to go in your wallet where you keep your money. Then pull it out everyday and read it. If you do this stuff - I guarantee your woman will reciprocate 3 times over and you will probably stay in love.Doohickie 5ptsJun 23, 2013I disagree with Number 8. If you're arguing about normal life stuff, there's no reason to hide it from your kids. Putting it out there sends the message that you can still love each other and disagree about things, and that, eventually you come to a decision together and move on. How are they going to get past their first fight or two in their own marriage if they don't know this?ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5ptsJun 23, 2013@DoohickieYou don't need to fight and make up in front of the kids to teach them tolerance and your depth of love for one another. It's much better for them to see the love without seeing the fights. I don't think kids need to be exposed to adult fights. I think that is the problem with a lot of kids nowadays - they are exposed to too much. Back in my day you needed to vacate the scene when adults were talking. Fighting in front of the kids sets a bad example. It is NOT ok to fight. Disagreements usually escalate into fights. Adults should have enough self-control to avoid escalating most disagreements into

fights. However, if the disagreement is escalating - adults should also have enough self-control to handle it without fighting in front of the kids. Nothing productive comes from fighting. The writer is right.ShareFlag

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AmySp 5pts12 days ago@Gee Man @Doohickie If kids don't get to see that it's normal to disagree, but that you can find a way through it, how will they have a clue regarding their own disagreements as adults? Kids basically copy their parents, mimicking everything they do, whether it's constructive or not. I would say that it's best to work on HOW you manage disagreements - think about looking at the other person's point of view, empathising with the other person and how they feel, and also getting the chance to let them know how you feel (to a certain point - but pure anger probably isn't overly constructive, and perhaps should be calmed down first before the conversation really begins). ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5pts11 days ago@AmySp @Gee Man @Doohickie Nothing wrong with disagreeing in front of the kids. But fighting is what we are talking about here. I never mimicked my parents. Most parents set a bad example because they do fight in front of their kids. The writer of the article is right in my opinion. Do not fight in front of the kids.ShareFlagLikeReply

Jette 5pts7 days ago@Gee Man @Doohickie Totally agree with you.ShareFlag

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mitch leslie 5ptsJun 22, 2013You are spot on man. And yes, the list goes on, but that was a solid 16. Thankfully I came to that realization before it was to late, resently, and changed my ways. funny thing is it wasn't that hard, or crippling to my manhood. I knew what needed to be done and started doing it, and she rewarded me with the reasons I married her in the first place. Women can be amazing, and intoxicating, and be the only thing on your mind. And they can also become the thing you loathe more then all. Like you said it's a two way street, but what little a man can do, a women can top. And thats it. let her up you everytime, but YOU gotta lite the candle, she will burn on.. too bad you couldnt get her back, or maybe you have since she read this, and apply what you now know. Im not religious but God bless you brother, Hemingway once said its better to be divorced then never married, and he is on the list of the men amongst men,. but he ended his life 5 divorces deep surrounded by cats and a 12 gauge shot gun..Point is forget your role models and your friends with there bro's before ho's shit, at the end of the day, its only you alone, or you with the women you love and your childShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 22, 2013You don't need to fight and make up in front of the kids to teach them tolerance and your depth of love for one another. It's much better for them to see the love without seeing the fights. I don't think kids need to be exposed to adult fights. I think that is the problem with a lot of kids nowadays - they are exposed to too much. Back in my day you needed to vacate the scene when adults were talking. Fighting in front of the kids sets a bad example. It is NOT ok to fight. Disagreements usually escalate into fights. Adults should have enough self-control to avoid escalating most disagreements into fights. However, if the disagreement is escalating - adults should also have enough self-control to handle it without fighting in front of the kids. Nothing productive comes from fighting. The writer is right.ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 22, 2013I think what happens in marriages is we get bored of the same thing as time goes on. Another reason this stuff makes sense. You won't get bored if you follow these suggestions. Gotta keep the relationship exciting, fun and passionate. I don't know if it's mentioned in the blog, but following these rules results in better and more frequent sex also.ShareFlag

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cinshaffer 5ptsJun 21, 2013I am going through a divorce right now and I use to say all of these things to my soon to be ex-husband. I always wanted to be an us not just me and him. I know that you can only do as much as you can. I feel at times I was the only one that wanted to married. I know that marriage is hard work and both parties need to be all in the marriage to make it work work. I know that this too shall pass.Good Luck to youShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 22, 2013@cinshaffer I think what happens in marriages is we get bored of the same thing as time goes on. Another reason this stuff makes sense. You won't get bored if you follow these suggestions. Gotta keep the relationship exciting, fun and passionate. I don't know if it's mentioned in the blog, but following these rules results in better and more frequent sex also.ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 22, 2013@cinshaffer Marriage doesn't have to be hard work. I believe you just need to marry the right person. The one who naturally and automatically follows the stuff mentioned in this blog.ShareFlag

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cinshaffer 5ptsJun 23, 2013@Gee Man @cinshaffer As far as being bored in a marriage you can only want something so bad for the other person that you are with an love. You can only ask and beg so much until you get sick of being the only one that seems to care until you give up. Sex was never the problem, I have seven children. The feeling as if he want to be with someone else other then me was always the problem. I never felt like I was enough, just the one he was with at the time until something better came along. I believe that you need to find the right person as well. I just wish I knew where to look for the right person. I don't want to think that I will have to be alone for the rest of my life and I don't want to let something wonderful slip away so again where are all the good men hiding these days?ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5ptsJun 23, 2013@cinshaffer @Gee Man Seven Kids! Wow! When I speak of sex cinshaffer - i am talking about real super-gratifying unselfish sex. Good men will come to you if you just love yourself, regardless. If you just concentrate on loving yourself, you will take care of yourself - thereby that initial physical attraction will/shall take place. You then need to recognize the good man when he comes. Depending on your age group, will determine your plan of action. Somebody in their 40's and/or 50's don't want to be hanging out at some club and expect to get a good man. But good men are everywhere.

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cinshaffer 5ptsJun 23, 2013@Gee Man @cinshaffer I am in the 40-50 group right in the middle. I don't like the bar crowd. About sex the only kind of sex is unselfish sex in my mind. I can not say most of the time I was on the receiving end of that type of unselfish all in sex.I don't feel I need a man in my life I just miss having someone to make a meal for. Talk to and adult I mean. I would like to have someone to do adult things with. I love my children and only have 5 at home now. Sometimes I feel the ex-husband took the best years that I had to give. I have not worked since the late 80's and I became so dependent on him for all the money that I get. I hate that I have to start over at my age with 5 children at home I worry that the once smart, fun, strong, beautiful women I once was before the ex-husband came along is going to fail at this starting over. I work everyday to find my inter self that I lost over the years. I know that I will never get out of this place I am in right now if I don't want it for myself. I am finding that I am still smart, very smart, funny still, good looking so I have been told, kind, and I am worth knowing. I guess an all around good person. So where do I start to take control of my world again. ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 24, 2013@cinshaffer @Gee Man Sorry to hear a lot of what you said Cin. Let me address it: first of all, 45 under 50 is NOT the end. As you described yourself (very smart, funny, good looking, kind, etc.) is what you are. Walk in confidence knowing that. You will get the right man's attention some day. Could be sooner than later. Sorry he (whoever) he is/was so selfish and unloving sexually. Don't settle for less next time. A real man desires to please his wife sexually - and knows how to do it. Starting over is a chance to do it your way - the right way. We MUST see the positive in everything. Don't even entertain failure as it relates to starting over. Starting over is good. We have a chance to avoid those things that resulted in negativity in the past. He did NOT take the best years of your life. The best is yet to come - if you claim it and settle for no less. You don't need to find your inner-self, it's right there. All you have to do is make a mental conscious effort to tap into it and erase anything negative that would entertain your thought pattern with that which is positive instead. Where do you start? Right here, right now. Look in the mirror, see the inner and outer beauty - smile and start the process or renewing your mind. I am in the process of doing just what I am advising you to do.@cinshaffer ShareFlag

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cinshaffer 5ptsJun 27, 2013@Gee Man @cinshaffer thank you for this sage advice. Getting up and facing the rest of my life with a smile and positive outlook. What a wonderful thing. This is the next and best chapters in my life.Again thank you and good luck to you always.Cin Shaffer ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5pts13 days ago@cinshaffer @Gee Man You got it girl! Renew that mind and get on with it. Have fun and take risks - but protect your heart until you are sure he is the right one.ShareFlag

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IreneCloca 5ptsJun 21, 2013This is very nice and inspirational, I think I agree on all of them for the most part. I will add never to make harsh comments about your spouses family. That can ware down the relationship and build resentments and also it opens the door for a two way street that goes to a no respect for the people you care the most about.

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Efe 5ptsJun 21, 2013I think that you gave good advice for young men. I feel most of the things that you have said, are for men under the age of 30. After a couple of break ups, I concur with all the

things you said, and when I look back...I feel horrible for the way I didn't make her feel like she is always #1...Fella's always, always let her know that she is #1 in your eyes...ShareFlagLikeReply

onefootinfrontoftheother 5ptsJun 22, 2013@Efe I strongly believe that this excellent advice fits ANY AGE!!!ShareFlagLikeReply

Meg5y3 5ptsJun 21, 2013You quoted Legally Blonde, but your advice was pretty good so I guess I'll let that part slide. ShareFlagLikeReply

Carolyn 5ptsJun 21, 2013Thoughtful and well written - 46 years into my marriage I'd have to say these are very helpful. Being thoughtful and respectful and loving. Treat your spouse with at least as much care as you would a guest in your home!

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Jamie E 5ptsJun 21, 2013So, I love this list. About the pooping, I would like to add that if you have more than one bathroom and your wife is in the bathroom with the door closed, it isn't okay to come in, even if you knock first. You really don't want to know what is on the other side of the door. And, don't talk to me when I am trying to shower, I can't hear you.ShareFlagLikeReply

jhannah18 5ptsJun 21, 2013Great list! The only one I didn't agree with (as a wife of a whole whopping 7 years, but also with parents who have been married for almost 35 and taught me this) is fighting. I think it's okay to fight in front of your kids. In fact, I think it's GOOD to fight in front of your kids. WITH a caveat. You need to make up in front of them too (not the make-up sex obviously). My parents went through about 7 years of HIGH stress in their lives and in their marriage. And they both have hot tempers, so they let it fly when they were fighting. It was not fun, as the child (1 of 6, actually), and it brought me to tears many times, but you know what? My parents always made up. They didn't always hash it out in front of us, but after they made up, they would come to us and apologize. They would tell us they loved each other and even in the midst of their fighting when my dad would get up and leave the house, my mom would tell us that they were NEVER divorcing b/c they loved each other and promised to love each other forever. And they were right. You know what it taught me? That love isn't perfect. That marriage and relationships aren't perfect, but that doesn't mean that you just end it there. You work on working it out. And you trudge through the mud to get to the beautiful fields on the other side. My parents still argue in front of us when we're around sometimes. But I never worry that it'll just end. Love is a choice and that's what fighting has taught me. :) Anyway, that's my 2 cents. My husband and I are almost the opposite of my parents - our tempers take awhile to brew and we prefer not shouting, but we also tend to retract from each other and just give each other the silent treatment. That's been a work-in-progress and we've had times where we've had to stop our fight and regroup and come back later (esp. with 3 littles around), but through my parents' example (not his - his are still married, but they do the whole "I'm mad at you, but I'm just going to be angry and not tell you why, get over it 2 hrs/days/weeks later and then act like nothing happened.") and some GREAT marriage prep and friends who are also married and working hard at it, we've been able to see the fruits of working through them and I hope our children will be able to do the same :). But GREAT post! I hope you get the opportunity to live it out some day. It's so worth it!ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5ptsJun 22, 2013@jhannah18 You don't need to fight and make up in front of the kids to teach them tolerance and your depth of love for one another. It's much better for them to see the love without seeing the fights. I don't think kids need to be exposed to adult fights. I think that is the problem with a lot of kids nowadays - they are exposed to too much. Back in my day you needed to vacate the scene when adults were talking. Fighting in front of the kids sets a bad example. It is NOT ok to fight. Disagreements usually escalate into fights. Adults should have enough self-control to avoid escalating most disagreements into fights. However, if the disagreement is escalating - adults should also have enough self-control to handle it without fighting in front of the kids. Nothing productive comes from fighting.ShareFlag

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newlymarried 5ptsJun 21, 2013I love this post. Wish my husband now would look at it. The things I would add to the list is that its not always name calling that makes someone feel inadequate, but not wanting to hear the others opinion, or holding onto your own based only on theory, not facts. Allowing too many people into your marriage, ie mother, father, exes. And NOT standing up for your spouse when family conflict arises. Or just sweeping it under the rug, without demanding respect for your spouse, because it looks like you dont respect them eitherShareFlag

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meepmeep 5ptsJun 21, 2013Wonderful list - there's just one thing I disagree with, although I might've just misunderstood: I don't think calling your spouse lovey-dovey names in a tense situation is a good idea. Both names you normally use and ones that you don't, but especially the latter. Iin a situation where you both feel angry and vulnerable at the same time, using pet-names always ends up sounding sarcastic, like ridicule and/or belittleling. I've seen it with my parents, where my dad does it specifically to get that effect and I've seen it with other couples I'm close with, where a "honey" in a tense situation sounds more like a "you little incompetent prick". Only exception: Couples that never use each other's names when they talk to each other. Two of my friends only refer to each other as "Schatz" ("treasure"), which is basically the German "honey". But then again, I don't like that methodology, either. Use each other's names. Regardless of whether you're being sweet, normal or angry. I think it expresses sincerity in all of these situations, it shows that you take each other seriously. ShareFlagLikeReply

almostfriend__ almost 5ptsJun 21, 2013I've been married for nearly two and a half years now, with two children... I met my wife when I was ten years old; I'm 23 now. I sat down recently and thought deeply about the things I've noticed lately.I feel you 100%. It's easy to fool yourselves into thinking marriage is different than dating. It's definitely rough to admit that, as a guy... So props to you! I'm sure your kid(s)

is/are happy to have a dad as dedicated to looking into life more than the average man does. I always tell my friends.. "It's so damn easy to fall in love; but you hit that point where there seems to be nothing else to talk about 'cause you know every detail of each others whole life, that's when you need to learn to love."I'm sad to say, in certain times.. I've found myself being to offended by arguments or frustrated for not hearing thank you as much. I forgot she might feel just the same way. Maybe that's why she argues as much as I do. It's more frustrating once you recognize that. You both need to find a way to pull a complete 180° at the same time. Wish the best of happiness and years to everyone who reads this:]Remember... There's obvisually more people out there struggling just like you. Don't give up. Seek help if you need it; there's no shame in asking for help. There's only shame in throwing in the towel!Lamely, there's more movie quotes saying "There's no shame in throwing in the towel." :PShareFlagLikeReply

Signlang 5ptsJun 20, 2013This is spot-on....you should write a book! Everyone should read this! --LindaShareFlagLikeReply

gwendolyn028 5ptsJun 20, 2013I love this :) Although, as someone who's worked with children for a job, I've picked up a bit of child psychology and in reference to #8, I think it's important to argue in front of your kids. They need to see the mess and they need to see examples of how to handle the mess. They also need to see you messy so they don't think marriage is perfect and shiny and happy all the time and wonder if they're monsters when their own marriage has bumps. What's important is talking with them and helping them through it, even if it was an icky fight. We all fight. We shouldn't give kids the perception that everything is so sanitized. Thank you for your post!ShareFlagLikeReply

MonikaOweira 5ptsJun 20, 2013Thank you for your post...

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MikeOates 5ptsJun 20, 2013thank you for writing this. I found this very helpful and look forward to applying it in my marriage.blessings.ShareFlagLikeReply

lgibb 5ptsJun 20, 2013The movie is Legally Blonde :-) Great post, thanks for all of your insights!ShareFlagLikeReply

JWJJR 5pts20 Jun@pat_holmes That's a good lesson for life in general.Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

DianaAhipeaud 5ptsJun 20, 2013Awesome! Give yourself a third chance! U learned from your mistakes which makes u more prepared to make a woman and yourself happy. :)ShareFlagLikeReply

DianeHinerNussbaum 5ptsJun 20, 2013Your insights should be used by both sides of the marriage. People need to worry less about how happy their spouse can make them and concentrate on what they can do to improve the relationship. Thanks for sharing your thoughts

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Huntleygal 5ptsJun 20, 2013I am in love with this post and am definitely getting my husband of 9 yrs to read this later. Everything you have written here is so true, and so doable. And totally worth it!!! Thank you! ShareFlagLikeReply

guest10000 5ptsJun 20, 2013I just hope you get married a third time and that it works this time. As a woman, what you've said is so true. For me it would have made my marriage better if my husband did this. I am sure that women could also benefit from this advice. There are some things that you said there that I too could follow. I think though that especially where I come from, more men could do with this advice, since women are already socialized to do a lot of this. I will definitely share it with my son. Wonderful article and well written.ShareFlagLikeReply

BenMelville 5ptsJun 20, 2013Dan this is an ace article. I work for a wedding company and this is the first article I enjoy reading, very useful and also funny. Thanks and keep up the good workShareFlagLikeReply

iiMaGinEDaT 5ptsJun 19, 2013marriage is a pain in the ass but u have to have patients to deal with it. that happens only if u love the woman.. strong enough to hold on to things more than a BIG FART. it kills you inside slowly. when ever its a fight or argument well all depends on if shes on her period or in a good mood u can talk about this. Im not saying women are always sweet and listen to you and agree with you. they have there way of controlling things lol.. but some times you have to let them do what they want to get what we want... isnt that like kissing ass???? lolShareFlagLikeReply

DennyFerrassoli 5ptsJun 19, 2013Just recently went through my first... last divorce. A lot of what you touch on is dead right. I used to think you get married and things just work themselves out... nope you need to put time and effort into your marriage. I've learned a lot of the same things you've written about and it really opened my eyes.Now for your next topic how about touching on post-divorce activities and getting yourself together again?ShareFlagLikeReply

Rose 5ptsJun 19, 2013Loved a lot of these! One of the best phrases my husband's parents have taught us: "I don't know if this is fair or right, but I feel like ________________" (i.e. "like I'm the only one doing the chores" or "like you shouldn't be allowed to see that person"). For my husband and me, we both KNOW when the other person is ticked; there's no hiding it. But we both still *do* try to hide it, especially if we think that what we're feeling might not be fair. However, even if it isn't fair, it's still a feeling that needs to be acknowledged before it can be let go. There's usually at least a small something that's legitimate to it. With this phrase, we can be totally honest with one another, we get our feelings (respectfully) out in the open, and we give the other person a chance to respond with their side or with clarifications. (i.e. "I'm really sorry, I've been so busy with work lately that I probably haven't been as helpful around the house. I guess I mean to help you by keeping up with this job," or "Is there something about the person that you don't like or that you're worried about?")

This phrase also keeps us humble and, again, honest. Sometimes I find out that what I'm feeling is totally fair and my husband is in the wrong, but 9 times out of 10, I realize that there is at least some way in which I am contributing the problem, and acknowledging it helps me to be able to work on it.

We also try to keep a sense of humor about it once we've each had our say in these types of discussions/arguments. As soon as I realize he's totally admitted to what he's done wrong (and I have, too) and we want to work on it, it's easy to make a joke and lighten the mood again. ("Honey, I was just really hoping for a perfect marriage where we're both perfect all the time, and never have anything to work on.")ShareFlagLikeReply

MamaFit 5ptsJun 19, 2013Legally Blonde- that's the movie quote :) I used it in a recent post on mamafit.com :) Great article. When you are ready for a new relationship, I believe you will be ready!!ShareFlagLikeReply

SavannahSummerlin 5ptsJun 19, 2013I need to show this to my hubby.After reading it I realized that we both do a lot of what's on this list and it was actually quite eye opening. We can both benefit from this. A quick example: I am currently 8 months pregnant and due to my own discomfort and dislike of my own body I have sort of given up. I know my hubby always loved seeing me all dolled up even when we weren't going anywhere and he really appreciated the effort I used to put in to looking good for only him. I NEED to start doing this again for him. I want him to want me the way I want him!On a plus though, even after 5 years of marriage and on our second child we still hold hands often and he still kisses me randomly. Even without hair and makeup done. :)ShareFlagLikeReply

Elinor_Dashwood 5ptsJun 19, 2013Yuck! Stop holding my hand! We're not fifteen anymore. What do you think I'm going to do, run away?Roshinder 5ptsJun 19, 2013Thank you so very much, Dan! My husband and I had an argument two days ago and we've kept our distance since then. So because of you, I'll go and try to get that make-up sex part you mentioned! :) You are a beautiful writer and your failed marriages have given me and so many other people out there wisdom and even, hope. Thank you again.ShareFlagLikeReply

Jenn 5ptsJun 19, 2013Your list supports the claim that love is actually a verb and not a noun. Love is action, more than it is feeling. It's a great list that you have put together and all of it revolves around actions. It seems you've done a great amount of reflecting!

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RickeyAndCherylYoung 5ptsJun 19, 2013I totally loved your article. Love is not easy and is a very delicate thing to learn lessons from, because sometimes we win and sometimes we lose in thoughs lessons. Sincerely,Cheryl YoungShareFlagLikeReply

Epiphany Struck 5ptsJun 19, 2013Dont forget to tell her you love her, always. Dont just tell her though but show her by doing the other things on the list. Showing her lets her know, telling her reminds her that she is loved.ShareFlagLikeReply

CynthiaCarolGallagher 5ptsJun 19, 2013@ Strong woman ------ after reading your post, i thikn to myself: (why do people always try to make an issues where there is none?) I believe the point of his advice tips was not to make her innocent and him the bad guy but for him to have done some thinking and heart searching and realize his own faults/short-comings and take personal responsibility for them. >he can't do that ~for her~ even if he was right or it would be doing EXCATLY what he is trying to advise against. - ALWAYS worry about yourself in the relationship and since you cant 'fix' them fix yourself and you'll be amazed at how quickly and easily they change too....ShareFlagLikeReply

JOHN PEDRO 5ptsJun 19, 2013@CynthiaCarolGallagher DO YOU NEED A LOAN? IF YES I WANT YOU TO CONTACT US AT: johnpedroloans_1@yahoo.com FOR MORE DETAILS.ShareFlag

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JOHN PEDRO 5ptsJun 19, 2013DO YOU NEED A LOAN? IF YES I WANT YOU TO CONTACT US AT: johnpedroloans_1@yahoo.com FOR MORE DETAILS.ShareFlagLikeReply

TTD 5ptsJun 19, 2013Dan,Thank you for this. I have spent many years trying to articulate my own thoughts on "what did I/they do wrong" reading this has help me to realise that I need to stop worrying about who is to blame and look at how to not let it happen again now that I have found someone special...

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eMOro 5ptsJun 19, 2013I think all of this is GREAT advice. I have been married for nearly 5 years and I think my marriage would be better if I stuck with some of those things that I don't do, and I know it's good points are because my husband does do a lot of the things that you mention are things to continue to do. The only thing I think should be slightly amended is the reasoning you use behind "Don't always point out her weaknesses." I definitely think that it's easy for pointing out your partner's weaknesses to turn into overkill. I think you should pinpoint the things that you know could help your marriage, or their relationships with other people, and then bring it up during a neutral time, not during a fight. And when you bring it up, sandwich it between two compliments of things your parent does really well. That seems to have good results for me. But when it's little things, the constant critique drives me crazy. I really appreciated this!!! Thanks for sharing!ShareFlagLikeReply

mikellehc 5ptsJun 19, 2013You are right on! With EVERY "rule/tip/experience/advice" whatever you want to call it. I couldn't agree more! Especially the ones about Never stop kissing her, or holding her hand. I'm going through this right now with the person I'm dating, and it hurts more than you can ever imagine! Rejection is the exact word for the way I feel. Also with the no fighting in front of the kids, I try so hard but I slip up more times than not and I pray I will see this post in my head next time I start fighting.....Thank you though for posting this. I will forever remember this and begin practicing these now and forever in any relationship. You should write a book! :)ShareFlagLikeReply

Natalie 5ptsJun 18, 2013I loved this!! <3 You made a TON of great points. ShareFlagLikeReply

UttBuggly 5ptsJun 18, 2013I loved the list and can concur with most of the bonus items!Smiling because I actually do all those things, and more, in my current relationship. It's amazing, we're amazing...and none of it feels like "work."Sadly, it took me 2 divorces and an embarrassing number of failures to figure all of this out for myself. Somewhat in my defense, I was a decent to great husband but obviously terrible at choosing the wife part of the equation.Well said, sir...thanks!ShareFlagLikeReply

Mandyrosa 5ptsJun 18, 2013Loved this, it felt as if this was written by me. Hope people take this one to heart, I've been married twice, first went downhill because of these problems (and more) second,

was a circumstance neither of us could have avoided, and I'm in a almost 10 year relationship with and we're going strong, though we could be stronger, when it's all out on paper like this it might be easier to re enforce what we have :)ShareFlagLikeReply

molamac 5pts18 Jun@brandonmiq I didn't know you were married.Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

brandonmiq 5pts18 Jun@molamac. nope, but i pay attention to good advice when it's given ;-)Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

AlexMcEachin 5pts18 Jun@brandonmiq @molamac Hey Guys! Oh.......Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

molamac 5pts19 Jun@AlexMcEachin @brandonmiq Yeah. Bummer.Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

scratney 5ptsJun 18, 2013I think the post is right on the money for both men and women. It boils down to not taking your spouse for granted. And every day you get to court them and win them over again. Im not sure why people think its a one time thing. Its an ongoing thing, that turns into a lifetime. Thank you for posting, and by the way, its is great marriage advice.ShareFlag

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MrsLumberjack 5ptsJun 18, 2013My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years - my first marriage, his second. We're worked really hard at not making these mistakes. Our marriage isn't perfect but it's very close! (OK - I'm biased). Holding hands sounds so simple but it's powerful so is the morning kiss. This is a great post and I'm going to keep it as a reminder.ShareFlagLikeReply

KatAKing 5ptsJun 18, 2013I don't know how many times I've experienced all of these issues, as either the giver or the reciever. I never put this down in words. I think now I will print out your list and put it in a place where I can see it every day as a reminder. Also for a chuckle and a smile. The best way to start your day when you can't have a kiss with out kissing the mirror...lol ShareFlagLikeReply

PriscillaScott 5ptsJun 18, 2013Dan this is truly one of the most humorous, but most of all honest post ever. Not only will men learn from your advice women wil learn too. Not only will I like this post I will share it a lot. I think after single women read this you will be getting some marriage proposals buddy. I'm not kidding. Through your mistakes you have become an honorable man Any woman would be lucky to have the new you. I look forward to reading you post on a regular basis.

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StrongWoman 5ptsJun 18, 2013So the female is innocent in the equation?ShareFlag

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TerraBowersSnavely 5pts2 days ago@StrongWoman Of course not, but you really can't control another's behavior. However, when you change your own, you might be surprised at how their choices and responses change.ShareFlagLikeReply

CashmereTheProfessional 5ptsJun 18, 2013From a 3X divorcee, great advice. ShareFlagLikeReply

saintsteph 5ptsJun 18, 2013Thanks for the advice. I'll be putting some of this into practice... firstly closing the bathroom door. ShareFlagLikeReply

lenore1312 5ptsJun 18, 2013Sometimes you learn more from 'failure' than success. Looks like you sure did.

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mariagw 5ptsJun 18, 20133rd times a charm. Thank you for this awesome advice and wish you luck in the future. I don't know if you're a man of faith but God has played a huge role in keeping my 3rd marriage intact along with all the advice you mentioned above :) ShareFlagLikeReply

grevyturty 5ptsJun 18, 2013Who needs advice from a 2 time loser??ShareFlagLikeReply

MichelleTC 5ptsJun 18, 2013@grevyturty WOW. It's called learning from your mistakes.ShareFlagLikeReply

Bagicha Padilla 5ptsJun 18, 2013@grevyturty losing, you learn and grow... apparently, something that does not apply to you! ShareFlagLikeReply

StefanoRambo 5ptsJun 18, 2013@grevyturty Don't be a douche...ShareFlagLikeReply

Roshinder 5ptsJun 19, 2013@grevyturty No one is a bigger loser than someone who negatively comments and hides behind a computer. But thanks a lot for spreading negative energy!ShareFlagLikeReply

Sierra 5ptsJun 18, 2013

this is the best advice i've ever heard! im about to get married and i think im gonna post these suggestions somewhere in our home to remind us what not to do. i would love to see a part two! you should definitely put something in there about the sex life part of it, i feel like once things stop being new and exciting in the bedroom the entire relationship stops being exciting and enjoyable.ShareFlagLikeReply

Gillian 5ptsJun 18, 2013I agree with everything here except the 'don't fight in front of the kids' point - I think it's important for my daughter to see that, although there are times we want to kick each other up the jacksy, and we can be completely furious with each other, we still sit down to dinner together (albeit through gritted teeth), we still hold hands and we still laugh at each other. Apart from anything else, it can be really really hard not to fight in front of the children! I'm still married by the way. ShareFlag

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Jennifer 5ptsJun 18, 2013Gillian, I agree with you 100%. I feel that my kids need to see that marriage is love and happiness, but also that marriage is work. If the kids never witness their parents fighting, they will most likely have unrealistic expectations about marriage and will be quickly disillusioned when they reach stumbling blocks in their own relationships. Plus, witnessing constuctive, civilized disagreements can teach them loads about conflict management.ShareFlag

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ReillyGunter 5ptsJun 18, 2013@Jennifer Sow what's to say for those kids that have been raised by one parent? I've been raised by my mother and my mother alone. I think it would be kind of odd if she just burst out and started yelling at herself. Besides, my sister and her get into arguments all of the time. That just goes to show that anyone, not solely married couples, living in the

same household for a said amount of time will eventually get irritated with each other and have disagreements. I'm not trying to start a debate here. I'm only trying to show something from a different perspective. Thanks! :)- ReillyShareFlagLikeReply

annamorphos 5ptsJun 18, 2013@Gillian I think he means don't have an all out scream match in front of the kids. Growing up, my parents would scream at ungodly levels in front of my brother and me, and it scared us. We would go to sleep crying our eyes out, fearing that our parents were going to get a divorce. In the morning, when everything was happy-go-lucky, it freaked us out even more. ShareFlag

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vickymark36 5ptsJun 17, 2013

I want to say thanks to agumagu spell temple for everything so far. To everyone who doesn’t believe in spell, I was one of those ones at first. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to do this since I’ve tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read through the testimonials of other people at this website and after I talked to Dr Agumagu who answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give it a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my guy back. So my story is that I was at my office when the guy I am in love with told me that he wasn’t in love with me and never will be and that he didn’t want to speak or see me again, especially since he was talking to this other girl. When I talked to Dr Agumagu, he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the ones that was to get him back to me and stay with me and want to marry me. As soon as he started on the spells, my guy came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful for that. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what Dr Agumagu the spell is done. I’m still waiting for the spells to completely manifest, but with all that has happened so far I’m very happy because given only four months ago in March, if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! Lara. To contact him agumaguspelltemple@gmail. com

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Sierra 5ptsJun 18, 2013@vickymark36 you're frickin crazyShareFlagLikeReply

Coeuri 5ptsJun 17, 2013Loved that you posted this. As the wife part of divorce, I know that each of us played our part. I only hope that I have taken a hard enough look at my own part of the break up to have a better chance if I ever have the privilege of a lasting relationship again.ShareFlagLikeReply

jimmy 5ptsJun 17, 2013Unfortunately my 3rd marriage just ended. Many of the points you make were very valid for me. Unfortunately I was to stupid to notice. You mentioned arguing in front of the kids. I have never been one for arguing. I would much rather discuss the matter as adults without the yelling. Maybe the arguing is a release of frustration. I think people tend to say things they don't mean when the get into a heated argument. Thanks for your hind sight. I will keep a copy of the tips for future reference. ShareFlagLikeReply

John Mattos 5ptsJun 17, 2013im not going to lie. This bummed me out. I like it, but it seriously bummed me out. This could be me, right down to my sister getting married this weekend.ShareFlagLikeReply

scratney 5pts

Jun 18, 2013@John Mattos Bummed out? if this sounds like you? and it hasn't ended yet, you still have time to turn it around. you get a new day every day to change it. so CHANGE it. ShareFlagLikeReply

rinnie 5ptsJun 17, 2013Some excellent points here--the only thing I'd disagree with is not arguing in front of your kids. People disagree, people argue, it's in our nature unless you share the exact same brain. But as adults you should know how to constructively bring up the problem and resolve your differences. You're not doing the kids any favors by completely sheltering them from that. The trick is to do it productively, respectfully, and resolve your problems; this way you're teaching your kids how to disagree & resolve conflict instead of how to be mean & nasty with someone you don't agree with.ShareFlagLikeReply

abbismama 5ptsJun 17, 2013Excellent advice and I would think this IS a better list to give someone getting ready to get married because like you said, these are the things we don't think about and they don't happen all at once but gradually until one day we don't see the same person in front of us.ShareFlagLikeReply

Coat 5ptsJun 17, 2013Excellent advice...good for women, also. I am in the process of getting a divorce after 30+ years, and while not everything you mentioned was true for our situation, a lot was DEAD ON!ShareFlagLikeReply

CorinneLebrun 5ptsJun 17, 2013Your post is RIGHT ON!!!!! Like incredible and having been married twice myself, think this is the best advice ever.

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Jan 5ptsJun 17, 2013Fabulous post. I've been married happily 35 years but found a few points that I can use to make sure my spouse is happy too. Thanks.ShareFlagLikeReply

PerturbedYeti 5pts17 Jun@allieshambles19 Number 10. Definitely!!! #WhoDoesThat?!Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

megs 5ptsJun 17, 2013I loved this post. I havent had too many serious relationships but I can relate to doing so many of those things in general... Hind sight is a wonderful thing! Your journeys had to happen the way they have to lead you to this wisdom - and now you have so much more to bring to the table - for yourself for the time being until you find a special someone to share your time with.Good things are in your horizon - to balance out these low points you might have been feeling. Take good care and keep blogging!ShareFlagLikeReply

Mel 5ptsJun 17, 2013thanks so much for sharing all of this. i found it really helpful to think about aspects of relationships that i struggle with but didn't really realise until reading what you wrote.

in regards to kids and fighting in front of them - i've read a fair bit into psychology saying it's healthy for kids to see conflict between their parents as long as they also see resolution on the same day. so i guess the emotional distancing thing wouldn't be a good example, but conflict is definitely a part of life and resolution is a vital skill to witness and learn.Rhondi 5ptsJun 15, 2013I'm year 15 into my second try at this marriage thing at 38. I loved your post! I noticed some really scarily familiar themes going on and I'm thinking this came at the perfect

time. Thanks so much for sharing. I too have a little sister, who I'm afraid is gun shy because of me. I think I'll write her a letter with some things I love about being married because all she ever hears it's the complaints.ShareFlag

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Deborah 5ptsJun 15, 2013Wow, you're pretty insightful, esp. for one so young. I totally agree about the hand-holding. VERY important to most women. About the "yelling," my suggestion is this: if you don't have the energy to run up and downstairs several times a day, live somewhere that is on one floor. Seriously. I was 10 years older than my ex, already teetering on middle age. Then we had two kids. I could never understand why he objected to my calling to him from another level of the house (I was constantly exhausted), and I also could not understand why he was always someplace distant, where I either had to run up and downstairs to get his attention, or yell. One level would have helped a LOT. (Of course, it might not have done much to address the fact that he wanted to spend 2-3 hours watching TV every night, without being bothered by me to help with stuff. <-;)ShareFlagLikeReply

Jason Ellis 5ptsJun 14, 2013Will you marry again Dan? Do you think it will cut into your writing time a bit much? All kidding aside, your advice is heartfelt and there are some good gems in there. - Especially the bit about hand-holding.ShareFlagLikeReply

Lindy_88 5ptsJun 14, 2013Great advice! I am getting married in two months to my boyfriend of 6 years and this is a nice refresher! I will keep all this in mind as we move forward together!Thanks so much! Can't wait to read part 2!ShareFlagLikeReply

Erica 5ptsJun 14, 2013Wow, you've hit the nail right on the head there. Very well written. I'm going to share this with my friends and family. You're a smart man and I hope you find a special lady to test your theories on :)ShareFlagLikeReply

AislynMoon 5ptsJun 14, 2013I've not been married, but have been in long term relationships (I want to be married one day) I loved this list not only from a husbands point of view, this list works for a wife as well! I am printing it out for my future relationship. Very well written, Thank you!!ShareFlagLikeReply

meluvlizluv 5ptsJun 14, 2013I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another man. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help. I wasted so much time and effort trying to get him back until I hit on the real thing. And that is you, ultimate spell. You were different from all the rest - you are the diamond in the rough. Thank you from the depths of my soul! I am extremely happy now. I hope God blesses you as much as you have help me to get my Love back, visit him on (ogunamenspiritualtemple@gmail.com) he can be a great help to you all. Kimberly Hill

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 14, 2013There are different degrees of fighting. We are all adults. We can gauge our level of anger and determine if it's acceptable to discuss and/or solve certain disagreements that could end up in fights. So disagreements in front of the kids is fine. That teaches them to stand up for what they believe. In a peaceful manner. However, fights are fights. They are NOT disagreements - and doing that in front of the kids is setting a bad example. It is

sending the message that it is ok to fight. That's the problem with a lot of these kids today. They are exposed to too much. Back in my day - you couldn't even be around when grown folks were talking. Fights in a healthy marriage should very seldom occur.ShareFlagLikeReply

JenNak 5ptsJun 14, 2013I would submit that the same list could be written by a woman with regard to her husband. It really does go both ways. Excellent list of "don'ts." I agree with everything (except the advice on fighting in front of the kids...but only because I don't have children, so am not qualified to comment on that one). These are great reminders of how we should treat each other with love and respect. Two thumbs up! p.s. Love fsutrill's comments. Agree!

Married 22 years, 10 months ShareFlag

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AllyMendoza 5ptsJun 13, 2013Your a good man just don't fuck up next time! :) I'm passing this on to my future husband.ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 14, 2013@AllyMendoza Wow! Wow! Oh and great comment too! From your future husband.ShareFlag

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AllyMendoza 5ptsJun 14, 2013I would determine that if you looked for me on Facebook and talked to me. ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 14, 2013@AllyMendoza Found you on facebook. However, I believe you are way too young for me. But you are still a cutie. Beautiful face.ShareFlagLikeReply

kaye 5ptsJun 13, 2013Beautiful. :) Thank you. Although I do disagree with never fighting in front of the kids. The trick is to fight *appropriately* in front of the kids. If you never, ever fight in front of them, then they learn that married people never fight. They don't learn how to state their needs in a relationship, how to work through differences of opinion, and most of all, they don't get to learn that you can have a fight with someone and still love them. All very important things for our kids (and us!) to learn.Luck on your journeys, and thanks again for the advice.ShareFlag

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fsutrill 5ptsJun 13, 2013@kaye AMEN! :-)ShareFlagLikeReply

MazingGrace 5ptsJun 13, 2013@kaye I totally agree with this. And would add, kids know when parents are mad at each other. And when all that madness takes place behind closed doors the kids are left wondering what is going on. It's like they've done something wrong, and no one will tell them what it is. And then, they never know when the fight is over, and if there's resolution!ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 14, 2013@MazingGrace Kids do not have to be exposed to fighting if parents would behave mature enough to keep it from them. Fighting and disagreements that would cause arguing at damaging heights does nothing positive for kids. If couples can't control their anger level in front of their kids - they need to discuss it in private. And these types of fights should be very rare in healthy marriages. That's the problem with these young kids today. They are exposed to too much. Back in my day..............kids weren't even allowed in the vicinity when grown folks were talking. LOL

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GenickaFaye 5ptsJun 18, 2013@Gee Man You make valid points Gee. You're future wife will be one lucky lady! :)ShareFlag

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ladylikekatie 5pts12 Jun@TwinEm24 I've actually read that before, crazy enough! Good stuff!

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RonaGofstein 5ptsJun 12, 2013Endorphis.... from the movie "Legally Blonde"ShareFlagLikeReply

chelsp93 5ptsJun 12, 2013to me all of this just begs the need to ask ; if you don't want to do these things anymore..... could it mean you weren't really in love? there are truly monogamous people who can marry one person and only love that person, and there are people who just transiently love many people. both are beautiful to be honest, one wants to share the world with their partner and the other just wants to share love with the world. so to me, if you get divorced, you just didn't want to be married anymore. if you love someone effort isn't really hugely necessary because you would want to look good for them anyway or impress them with dinner... if you kept the same love you wouldn't change because of a priest and a certificate because you would still get butterflies and you would naturally be at your best. Love generally makes you the person you want to be with the right person, so consciously having to mind what you are doing just means maybe you weren't meant to marry those people. if you are planning on making a big commitment that you assume to last forever in the beginning..... make sure its as easy as possible and not something you want to stop doing. ShareFlagLikeReply

JP 5ptsJun 12, 2013@chelsp93 That is the worst advice I have ever heard in my life. If you are moved by every whim and fantasy that moves in front of you because you do not have the wherewithal to drive through hard times, then you are a weak person. Your post-modern rhetoric is a joke, which leads to so many ruined relationships and dropped morals. Stop thinking with just your feelings. Dont be afraid of some hard work, that through a refining process can make more beauty and purity than could be imagined. Try swimming in the deep end, not for a while, but forever. ShareFlag

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chelsp93 5ptsJun 12, 2013@JP @chelsp93 I don't think with just my feelings and I do understand effort but if you don't enjoy doing it and you obviously don't feel the person is worth it, then that's how it ends. I am not weak and you are pretty shallow to judge a person based on a comment. I suggest you grow up and learn to deal with your own issues rather than ironing out others. I know what effort is because I have actually been in a long distance relationship, that is not easy. I also have fairly high morals being that I don't judge others on how or who they love as long as it is selfless and caring. I was just merely saying the effort wouldn't be so difficult and taxing if the feelings were there to accompany it. Divorce clearly isn't working hard its the exact opposite, it is giving up. So the secret is to just care enough in the first place to want to work that hard forever. Also interpersonal relationships are all about feelings, so feelings and thinking about them are clearly relevant to marriage.ShareFlagLikeReply

fsutrill 5ptsJun 13, 2013@chelsp93 I'm sorry to say it (as I don't like hurting people's feelings and think the Internet has made 'mean' acceptable), but I agree with @JP. Interpersonal relationships can not be primarily about feelings. After 22 years of marriage, I can say that love is way less associated with feelings than it is with a decision to honor a commitment. Some days it's all you can do to stay married- you feel NOTHING. Happily, those days are very few and far between. There are some days where what you *feel* is that you want to punch him in the mouth, lol, but while we can't always control how we *feel*, thankfully, as humans, we can control how we *act* and sometimes it takes academy award winning acting to get back on track and magically, the *feelings* come back. I do think that we disillusion young people in relationships when we set them up to think that how they *feel* is always a good barometer of a relationship. It's not. It's deciding that love has feet, it requires work and some days (unfortunately) all you want to do is run away. But you don't. You honor a commitment, stick it out, ACT lovingly and do all the things that the blog post talks about. Then, you cycle back around to *feeling* the way you have been acting. Don't panic when you stop 'feeling it'- just keep acting like the feelings are there and they will come back. I understand that this can sound naïve, but I'm talking really in terms of relationships where there is no pathology like abuse or cheating or anything- relationships where the biggest problem might be boredom (or not 'feeling' the same fireworks). Our

desire for instant gratification and our unwillingness to overcome obstacles and difficulties contributes a lot, I think, to the divorce rate. Can't count the times I've said/thought, "Honey, it's a good thing I love you, because I don't like you very much right now!" (lol! It's been 22 years- give me a break!)ShareFlag

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trying 5ptsJun 13, 2013@fsutrill @chelsp93 You said 'just keep acting like the feelings are there and they will come back'. But I am glad you followed it up with 'but I'm talking really in terms of relationships where there is no pathology'. For many years I have been acting and waiting for the feelings to come back because I hear that advice over and over. I continue to treat him in the way I would like to be treated and gently express the things I need but nothing changes. It has been years. We have two children and I will do everything I can to save this but to what end? As my username suggests, I am still trying but how long does one wait? You said 'Happily, those days are very few and far between.' What if those days are every day? By the way, I am not challenging you directly or anything you said. Just putting it out there that sometimes you can really try and it doesn't change. Then what?ShareFlag

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fsutrill 5ptsJun 13, 2013@trying @fsutrill @chelsp93 your answer almost made me cry- I don't know the answer of what you can do. I know for me, the answer would be prayer (and a close friend or 2 as a support system), which may or may not be a solution for you/your beliefs. If it's okay with you, do you mind if I pray for you and your situation? It breaks my heart... ShareFlag

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DG18 5ptsJun 13, 2013@fsutrill @chelsp93 beautifully said @fsutrill and could not be more trueShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 14, 2013@trying @fsutrill @chelsp93 Trying.......you don't want to waste your time because some people can't change. I have also learned that staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids is oftentimes the wrong thing to do. If your marriage is not good - the kids can see it. They are not stupid. If you are disagreeing and not vibing most of the time - that is not a good example to show the kids as it relates to what a marriage is. You are setting a bad example. Your kids need to know that it is NOT acceptable to be in relationships that are miserable, unhappy, void of fun, etc. most of the time. Whoever said it is right: "Those unhappy days should be far, few, and in between."

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 14, 2013@fsutrill @trying @chelsp93 Praying was very nice fsutrill. Very nice display of love and concern. We need more people like you.ShareFlagLikeReply

Edgarnp 5ptsJun 12, 2013Genius. I believe in not calling marriage the trophy that make you feel the competition is over. Or if you like seeing it like that, go ahead and stay trained. Your next contest will be won when you can do what Dan is doing here: teaching others (better by example vs outside) especially your kids how to live a happy life with your partner. Dan: I truly wish you the best in living your learnings with your next (why not your previous?) love. Thanks for the lessons!ShareFlagLikeReply

JasonsAmy 5pts11 Jun@danoah I really enjoyed this article. The advice reminds me of how my grandparents lived. They respected one another & never divorced.Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

tikiguy 5ptsJun 11, 2013No dont do it again, you are not ready even with the advise. your advice is good but some people should not get married. i know 3 guys that got married a 3rd time every one of them regret it. just date been with my GF 7 years everything is like we just started dating. and i do about 10 of those things everyday. i cook clean help her out as much as possible. and communication is the key

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nightowl0929 5ptsJun 11, 2013Could not be more true! If you ever get ready to give marriage another go around, it sounds like you will make someone a great husband/ best friend. As that old saying goes, third time is the charm. Thanks !ShareFlagLikeReply

April79 5ptsJun 10, 2013I commend you for recognizing and admitting what you could have done different in your marriages to make them last. I wish my ex-husband could see his mistakes and admit them, most of his mistakes were exactly what you wrote here. Reading this was refreshing because sometimes I have wondered if I was being petty and over reacting to his small blunders (like criticizing or making suggestions on how i can improve my cooking, cleaning, parenting etc.) that made me feel unloved. This is not to say that I didn't contribute to the mess because I beat myself up over my mistakes every day but it

is nice to hear someone say (in a sort of indirect and impersonal way)that it wasn't all my fault. So thanksShareFlag

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me too 5ptsJun 8, 2013I agree with fsutrill on the fighting. One of my biggest struggles in marriage was that my parents didn't fight or let us fight, so they never taught me conflict resolution skills.ShareFlagLikeReply

fsutrill 5ptsJun 8, 2013Good stuff here! I disagree slightly with one point- fighting. I think that kids seeing their parents fight can learn some valuable lessons- especially how to fight 'properly' (no names, yelling or insults, sticking to the actual issue of the fight, negotiating, etc). I realize that 'fighting' can mean a whole lot of different things, but kids who see an *entire* fight (up through the working it out part- no farther, lol) can learn some very valuable communication skills and what it actually takes to come out the other side of a fight unscathed. I do think that if they only see the fighting part repeatedly, we're doing them a disservice by not modeling the kinds of behaviors necessary to 'fight' within a marriage.Of course, all of this depends on what the fight is about as well- you don't ever fight about your sex life in front of them! But, if one of you screws up and the other needs to call you on it for whatever reason ("When you said X, what exactly did you mean by that?" for example), it's a good thing, especially where negotiations, apologies, etc are concerned.ShareFlagLikeReply

anon12345 5ptsJun 12, 2013@fsutrill There are very few people who have the skills to actually resolve a conflict without throwing out a name or raising their voices just a little too loud. I would never encourage a couple to fight in front of their children. Children, no doubt, have their fair share of conflict and teaching them to deal with it at those times is far more productive

and healthy than having children witness their parents arguing over money or whatever other stupid crap that adult actually fight over. ShareFlagLikeReply

fsutrill 5ptsJun 13, 2013@anon12345 @fsutrill I do understand your point and partially agree with you. Maybe it's the word 'fight' that's setting off red flags? I just think that conflict resolution/negotiation (and communication in general) is a very valuable skill that people are losing in today's society- we tend to run away from things that are unpleasant and just try to 'deal with it' on our own. I don't know about you, but when I try to suck it up (with the noblest of intentions), it always comes back to bite me in the ass, because the issue starts to influence how I treat my spouse, as much as I try not to let it... I am <b>definitely</b> not encouraging people to have all of their fights/arguments/discussions in front of their kids, but if the issue is not a heated one, I've got no problem with doing it in front of them. Kids need to know that (1) people who love each other can disagree- conflict is not a sign of hate or impending doom, (2) there are 'correct' ways to disagree- ways to handle arguments that don't belittle the other person, that address the issue itself and not the other person's character flaws, (3) any conflict has 2 sides and both of those sides need to be prepared to give a little- negotiating (4) when you disagree with someone you love, you try to figure out what you can let go of in an issue and what is really important to you (and WHY is it so important) and finally that (5) conflicts *can* be resolved- I think that if kids ONLY see the 'fight' part but not the resolution, it can be scarier bc they have no idea how mom and dad got from point A to point B, and thus they can't learn from that... ShareFlagLikeReply

dcheney555 5ptsJun 7, 2013no one is perfect just remember why you got together. and always remember to say I love you at least once in the morning and at night before you go to bed even if you're pissed offed at something he/she didShareFlagLikeReply

KingofInsanity 5ptsJun 8, 2013

@dcheney555 I truly believe you should say " I LOVE YOU" to your wife every time you talke to her! You never know when it will be your last chance! It sucks but anything could happen then you will be left with the thought I shoulda, I woulda, I coulda, but like a dumb ass I didn't then its to late and you just have to live with it! So just grab your ears and pull till you hear the pop when your head pops out of your ass. I LOVE YOU does not cost a thing but it means so much and its so important!!! Just say it and mean it!!!!!!! It is a priceless gift!ShareFlagLikeReply

finallymarried 5ptsJun 7, 2013How can I share this with my new hubby in a positive way?ShareFlagLikeReply

Sallyjay 5ptsJun 9, 2013@finallymarried I just left it open on the desktop and he read it!!! Good luck...ShareFlagLikeReply

Chris 5ptsJun 10, 2013I found it on my girlfriends Pinterest under "thoughts". She mentioned the other day that she sometimes pins things there tha sue doesn't know how to say.ShareFlag

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samanthaponga 5ptsJun 7, 2013

loved the advice thank you and the comments are interesting too. ShareFlagLikeReply

MystiVine 5ptsJun 7, 2013Wow...sounds like you've learned from (both) your mistakes (I mean you and your wives, not the marriages) and have gained some emotional intelligence from it. Well done, you! Some people never take the time to figure that out...you're a few steps ahead of the game now. Brilliant. ShareFlag

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JoMiles 5ptsJun 7, 2013Very nice. I don't usually read blogs, but I actually read this all the way through. I liked it all. Made some of those mistakes in my first marriage, hoping to avoid them in this marriage, or at least recover fro them if/when we do make these mistakes. I'm looking forward to the next installment. I would include, "Yes she said no gifts, but I would spoil her anyways..." because I'm not a high maintenance chick, but I enjoy being surprised by physical representations of how much I'm loved and appreciated. Randomly. Spontaneously. Just because. I want to feel like THAT GIRL who gets to brag to her friends about how wonderful her man is. I don't want to be the jealous friend.

That's it. I think. Keep it real, dawg. Peace out, yo.ShareFlag

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patsy1956 5ptsJun 6, 2013Amazed at your honesty and insight. It seems you really learned from past mistakes and hopefully you will find happiness again. If you truly live by what you have posted.....she will be a very lucky lady. Don't be too hard on yopurself.....it is wonderful advice for a

couple who are altar bound....just from 20/20 hindsight. God Bless and I agree with all of it. Hope I don't miss aPart 2 if you do decide to continue.ShareFlagLikeReply

AngelaB 5ptsJun 6, 2013The marriage advicemy husband and I have always lived by (16 years happy and going strong) are:Never ever go to bed angry, it makes for a miserable night's sleep and therefore extra resentment in the morning.Never have a TV in the bedroom, it takes away from and causes excuses not to be intimate with one another.Really discuss whether both of you want children or not and why. We're raised in a society of, "when you grow up, get married, and have kids," not have an enjoyable career, fall in love, and decide what fulfills you in life. My husband and I were no different and while we were first together, going to school and trying to make rent we discovered that neither of us had ever really wanted kids, it was the expectation we'd grown up with. While we have nieces, nephews and many friends with kids we've never regretted our decision and personally I think we are a lot happier have discussed and agreed upon this decision so many years ago.Love your advice and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your list.ShareFlagLikeReply

cassie93 5ptsJun 6, 2013I've recently gone through a break up. We were together four years and have a son. I know that doesn't seem like a long time but I was planning on forever. My point is we had another fight tonight and i feel i stumbled upon this blog for a reason. it is exactly what i have been trying to explain to him what i needed. Thank you for writing it down.ShareFlagLikeReply

JennC 5ptsJun 6, 2013So sweet and thoughtful - thank you. My marriage is doing well, but still recognized myself in some of these....always room for improvement.ShareFlagLikeReply

sothenwhat 5ptsJun 6, 2013I wonder, as I read these, if some methods came from good parenting. Nothing's ever motivated me to improve my relationship skills like raising children has, and my partner benefits. (Though my partner has always been a good role model when it comes to affection, courtesy and fun.)BeckyPeachDavis 5ptsJun 6, 2013Here is a suggestion, forget all the movie romance crap, when he washes dishes for you, takes care of you when you are sick, does the laundry when ur studying all night for finals, that is the real deal. When its hard for him to express his feelings, but he does it the best way he can, you've got a good one. When he calls you multiple times a day while he is on a business trip ( during breaks), and thinks to buy you something while he is out. Don't ever stop having fun together, don't talk about him behind his back to your girlfriends, don't see how many guys you can get to look at you. Speak the truth always, unless it's a stupid opinion that will hurt them. Don't lie don't cheat. Our dating/ marriage rules are no leaving/no cheating. My husband is my best friend. period. He lets me go out with the girls when I want to go. Respect each other and have fun with one another. NO ONE dominates a marriage. period. Marriage is not 50/50 sometimes it takes more, so give more, take more, but always communicate and forget why you love the person. ShareFlagLikeReply

BeckyPeachDavis 5ptsJun 5, 2013Great article Dan! I am divorced, and I think that we all can learn from this. I am VERY happily married now (even chatting back and forth to my hubby as I write this while we are miles apart for his work training). I realize how blessed I am to have such an amazing man in my life, and I will treat him like a King. It sounds corny but to be at 8 years of marriage and still be just like we were when we dated, I know how blessed I am. We have had a few little mishaps but we always work through it. I pray we will always be this way. Thanks so much for the great read. I hope you are able to remember this article and apply it in your next marriage- if you get married again. GREAT JOB!ShareFlagLikeReply

CAG1989 5ptsJun 5, 20139. Legally Blonde, and it's "Exercise creates endorphins. Endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't shoot their husbands. They just don't!"

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Joe_Fries 5pts05 Jun@emit140 back to work!Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

emit140 5pts05 Jun@Joe_Fries You're not my REAL mom! I'm done :-)Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

Whitemusk1969 5ptsJun 5, 2013I TOTALLY agree.... you're on the right track - just keep it there. REMEMBER - IT WORKS BOTH WAYS!(speaking from someone who's been there once, and doesn't want to be there again!!ShareFlagLikeReply

Katutsky 5ptsJun 5, 2013You wrote from the heart and a lot of what you said makes good senseShareFlagLikeReply

DanielleDuffyMcMurray 5ptsJun 5, 2013I love this post. Thanks for being brave enough to not only look inward for improvements (which so many people can not) and also for being brave enough to share (even though the d-bags below will criticize). Keep up the good work!

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MrP 5ptsJun 5, 2013Wow. If you find these things helpful or insightful, you have no business being married, or in a committed relationship for that matter.ShareFlagLikeReply

OlineWright 5ptsJun 5, 2013@MrP why not? it is fully possible to let little things slip. and while they are helpful they aren't the only route to happiness in a marriage. For instance my husband hates to shave it gives him a rash and is tedious for him but it doesn't bother me that he doesn't do so so why should he go to an effort to primp up when frankly I don't think it matters much. I would rather he be comfortable and I be allowed to be comfortable when "at home." Communication is a key point and using I think and I feel and it sounds to me like...where you are giving your interpretation of the situation or making sure that you are pointing out that it is your opinion not something that is definitely "the truth"..

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coreyk 5ptsJun 7, 2013@MrP - I don't understand why you say that? Is it because these things should come naturally?ShareFlagLikeReply

KendraFreeman 5ptsJun 5, 2013

I loved this blog post. I am not married and am only twenty, but I'm about to take a big step in my relationship of nine months: we will be moving in together in August. Although there is still some differences between getting married and simply living together, I know that there are also many similarities, and I think that the advice that you have really can apply for any sort of relationship that is trying to go the distance. I can't thank you enough for posting this for me to read; I'm very grateful to get some insight from a man's perspective on how the love and affection may start to die down and things you can do to keep the flame alive.ShareFlagLikeReply

coreyk 5ptsJun 5, 2013Pretty insightful. I guess you won't blow the next one. I feel that I'm doing all the right things after reading this.ShareFlagLikeReply

Jennfred 5ptsJun 5, 2013Most of this , I found perfect advice. I'm going to print, save, email, not only to and for myself but, my husband and everyone else in any kind of relationship. Thanks Single Dad!ShareFlagLikeReply

Cerridwynn 5ptsJun 4, 2013I love this. I love that you recognize things you could have done differently, and that you're willing to share it for the benefit of others. It takes a lot of courage to realize that you have things about yourself that could use improvement, particularly in relationships. I have no doubt you'll be able to find a relationship where you get to learn what to do in addition to what not to do. I'm learning that myself.ShareFlag

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Jwillbutler 5pts04 Jun@karenkyte I will! Forever!Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

chenderson516 5ptsJun 4, 2013After 3 divorces of my own I think you have a very good grasp of the problems....if only my husband had realized so much of the same. I don't understand why we don't keep the courtship up all through the marriage. Why let it all go??? SOOO many things changed after the marriages no matter how hard I tried to convince otherwise. I still would go would go out of my way to do things with them tho I didn't have the same interests just to be with him but that stopped being returned. I am in a new relationship and the most important thing to me is having fun TOGETHER and working everything out as it happens or comes up and I have now found that in someone. We ar 60 years old but thats ok because better late than never!! It takes 2 to work at a relationship or rather it takes THREE!!! The most important factor to me in the relationship is GOD!!!! God bless and hang in there now that you have it figured out!!

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zeal 5ptsJun 5, 2013@chenderson516 Whenever I hear "God Bless" I cringe. Don't get me wrong, faith is important in life, but God does not bless you or others at your direction. And you need to take the initiative in your own life. Look, you had three divorces and are still complaining about what the various men did not do for you. "If only my husbands had..." No. First off, you could have selected better men -- indeed, you should have -- and when you did make a selection you could have stuck with it. Unless those men were abusive, deadbeats, hideous or overly controlling, I don't see the problem.

Courtship cannot, and should not, be extended for your whole life. It is a phase in a relationship, a life stage. Just like you can't be a kid forever, neither can you keep up courtship forever. Yes, marriage can get a little boring, because you know this person now, there aren't as many surprises. You don't need to go out to eat every other night, or

slam down drinks to take the edge off getting to know someone. You spend more time on the couch watching TV or eating take out, and less time at fancy restaurants spending three bills on an overpriced meal. The butterflies in your stomach that you are addicted to should have stopped in high school. But you're 60 now, and you still haven't learned. I feel sorry for your husbands. ShareFlagLikeReply

OlineWright 5ptsJun 5, 2013@zeal @chenderson516 courtship doesn't have to end nor should it completely. You miss the point here it is not the wining and dining part of the courtship she is necessarily talking about. It is the growing lack of touch and of consideration to the spouse you now have. Believe me I do know that it takes two to make or break a marriage. When you effectively tell your spouse day in and day out I don't care how you feel about this (whatever the particular this might be) eventually the message the spouse will get it I don't care about you. When a marriage becomes one-sided with one person doing all the caring and the other just absorbing that feeling with out it being returned or reflected back eventually that marriage will likely break apart because everyone does reach a breaking point sooner of later the only question then is will both survive.

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chenderson516 5ptsJun 6, 2013@OlineWright @zeal @chenderson516 That's what I'm trying to say thank you....and @Zeal They were abusive marriages though no indications in the courtship. Also I never instigated divorce nor wished for but the men did not want to work at anything. When I make a commitment I do so for eternity and work at it accordingly and NEVER enter into a relationship lightly at all. ShareFlagLikeReply

zeal 5pts

Jun 6, 2013@chenderson516 @OlineWright @zeal Do a better job of pre-screening potential husbands. Hopefully you are this time around.ShareFlagLikeReply

Cerridwynn 5ptsJun 6, 2013@zeal @chenderson516 @OlineWright Abusers don't start out being abusive in a relationship. They're usually not that stupid, and neither are the victims they target. They are subtle and systematic. Generally the victim is very isolated, and believes that it's their fault by the time they're ready to come to terms with what's happening, and they wonder how the hell they ended up there. They've been acclimated to the other person's behavior while being wooed over time, and they often don't get to see the abusive behaviors until they are in a position they feel they are completely dependant on the abuser, or until there is a legal contract in place. of course there are other choices a victim can make along the way, but there are any number of factors that can come into play for why they don't, whether it's family of origin issues, financial insecurity, self esteem issues... etc. etc. Hind sight is always 20/20. Few people walk down the aisle with the intention of being abused/controlled/divorced. The trick is once you've gotten out of one of those relationships, is to learn from it and not going running headlong into another one. Take the time to figure what it was about you that you were drawn into such a relationship to begin with.ShareFlag

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Blessingstoall 5ptsJun 6, 2013@Cerridwynn @zeal @chenderson516 @OlineWright That's an excellent point, and food for thought.ShareFlagLikeReplyThis comment has been deleted

chenderson516 5ptsJun 6, 2013@zeal @chenderson516 A marriage should be a partnerhip which two work together to make work... not a dictatorship ShareFlag

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Chris116king 5ptsJun 6, 2013@zeal "spend more time on the couch watching TV"...? sounds like a *great* marriage. I don't think you understand the purpose of marriage as much as you think you do. If consuming more of the kind of pre-packaged cheap entertainment that you find on TV while interacting as much as is posible while watching TV is your strategy for finding meaning and fulfillment in marriage instead of intentional courtship and romance, then you will have a sad and pathetic marriage. in my humble opinion, you should give some old fashioned intentional courtship another try, you may realize that growing closer together isn't a stage that you should ever grow out of.ShareFlagLikeReply

zeal 5ptsJun 6, 2013@Chris116king There's plenty of being closer together, we have a bedroom for that. But bad jokes aside, let's get to the meat of your reply. "Cheap prepackaged entertainment" sounds rather snobbish, doesn't it? Certainly I don't suggest you spend your life in front of a television. That's not the point here. But I do suggest that you enjoy the day-to-day "normal" activities with your spouse rather than spend your whole life engaged in one long courtship ritual. You don't need to go eat a fancy, overpriced, candlelit dinner or go for long walks on a distant beach during the sunset in order to enjoy time together.

This all goes back to the "Me" generation. Cheap entertainment is not good enough. Regular old cars aren't fancy enough. The "romance" of our Grandparents isn't enough, everyone wants to live a Hollywood romance story. The diamond isn't big enough, the ring isn't at least 3 months of income... And folks wonder why they are in debt up to their eyeballs. And when the magic wears off, divorce looms near. "He didn't love me enough," she might say, "he stopped buying flowers for me and taking me out to eat." Of course, we don't hear that the guy lost his job and declared bankruptcy. Or it may be the reverse. "She didn't love me," he says, "she let her body go, so I started dating a 19 year old liberal arts major." But what he's really saying is he just wanted someone younger and hotter.

What's the point of all that? The point is extended courtship is unsustainable financially for most people, who simply do not have the time and/or money to do it, especially after kids enter the equation. They must deal with their cheap entertainment and family sedans. So don't set false expectations when dating, because after the blinders fall off, you'll

realize you're in a relationship with a human and not a Prince/Princess, and that will be a huge disappointment.

Ponder the themes a bit and get back to me.ShareFlagLikeReply

karenjoybrown 5ptsJun 4, 2013Thank you. I agree and appreciate the reminder to focus on these excellent guideposts.ShareFlag

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24intl 5pts04 Jun@gidgey Ty4Rt! 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage: ow.ly/kT2dg Wonderful Marriage Advice.Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

gidgey 5pts04 Jun@24intl I agree.Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

24intl 5pts04 Jun@gidgey Such honesty!Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

gidgey 5pts04 Jun@24intl totallyReply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlag

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Wendy Hilt 5ptsJun 4, 2013Been married twice myself and I think you are right on all counts. I've been divorced twice too, so I have authority to know. WenShareFlagLikeReply

zeal 5ptsJun 5, 2013@Wendy Hilt Why is it that people on here are saying things like this. "I've been divorced x number of times, so I know." That's like taking driving advice from someone who totaled their car multiple times. Where is the advice from people in SUCCESSFUL relationships?ShareFlagLikeReply

DanielleDuffyMcMurray 5ptsJun 5, 2013@zeal @Wendy Hilt If I just totaled my car I WOULD be seeking advice from people who had more experience then me in totaled cars. The good thing about getting advice from people who are divorced is that they are forced to look at the relationship as a failure and evaluate their successes and short comings in that relationship. When you seek advice from people still in the relationship, they have not been forced to evaluate thier successes and short comings and can still lie to themselves about the state of their relationship. Just because the relationship/marriage is still intact does not mean it is a healthy or good marriage and that the people in it are qualified to give advice.ShareFlag

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Blessingstoall 5ptsJun 6, 2013@zeal @Wendy Hilt I have been married for 20 years with two sons, both on track to be Eagle Scouts. My elder son was just elected president of his high school for next year. My husband works outside the home, and I "stay home," although he would be the first to tell you my job is harder than his. I was an executive before I quit to stay home, and the learning curve for both of us was steep. I cannot say either of us, at one point or another,

has not wanted to walk away. Neither of us did, primarily because our word is our bond, and we had children. That's not particularly romantic, but that's life. We are both glad we stuck out the tough times, because we are happy now. Neither of us has cheated. My husband does have a few rough edges, but he is a good, good man. I often remind myself "You could have married a man or a lap dog. You chose a man." Thank God. (We both believe in God, although my husband does not care for "organized religion.") My grandmother told me when I got married that even if I worked, the pressure to provide was on him, and a man willing to go out in this world and work for his family deserved a woman who was ready to go the extra mile -- and then some -- for him. As antiquated as I'm sure this sounds to many, I have done my best to do so. What I did not expect was that this respect, affection, kindness and would be returned to me a thousand-fold, and it has been. I know this is self-evident, but so true: The most important way to have a happy, healthy marriage is to choose wisely in the first place. Skip the addicts, the abusers and the adulterers, no matter how charming. It's next to impossible to maintain a healthy bond with someone who does these things, because they will almost always put themselves first. Finally, for the women, I would say: do not lose yourselves in your children. Nourish your intellect, maintain your own life and interests that are separate from them. (I know this is next to impossible during the baby/toddler stage, but less exhausting, drudgery-laden times are coming.) You need this for your own self-respect and mental well-being. A wonderful benefit is that you remain an interesting partner for your husband. Enjoy your body and have fun taking care of it. Put in the extra time in to pamper yourself and look cared-for. You'll feel better about yourself, and it says to the world that you respect yourself and are someone to be reckoned with. This does not have to be expensive. We still live on super-tight budget, but I try as often as possible to look as good as possible. Trust me -- your husband will appreciate the effort also! I am no Heidi Klum, (I am 50 years old, gave birth naturally and breast-fed two nine-pound babies, and have had no plastic surgery,) but my husband frequently compliments my appearance, which I appreciate. The only other advice I have that I hope might help someone is that, as a woman, I like to talk things out. My husband wants to solve problems and move on. If you feel a need to vent, save it for your girlfriends, who will listen and usually give great advice.ShareFlag

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zeal 5ptsJun 6, 2013@Blessingstoall @zeal @Wendy Hilt Now this is some good advice. Let me reiterate some key positives from this message.

1. You didn't marry a "Lap Dog" you married a man. Now Single Dad here is obviously a very stand-up sort of guy, and his heart is in the right place -- but he's got too much Lap Dog in him and not enough man. Women: Marry manly-men, as cliche as that sounds. Men: Be manly.

2. You kept your word, and he kept his. I can't stress this enough. Shit happens in any relationship. Keep your word. Work through it.

3. Take care of your body. It's important for both people, but there's an extra burden on women to do this. Is it fair? No. But life isn't fair. Stay attractive, and you will find your man will appreciate you more.

4. Men are providers. Accept this. Does this mean women shouldn't work? No. But men have a strong biological instinct to produce more than they consume -- we call this ambition -- and women are attracted to this more often than not. It's not necessarily shallow. It's also not fair, but see #3 -- not everything is fair to women either. You were an executive first, and that was pretty unfulfilling, wasn't it? There's a lot of pressure from Feminism to be a career woman, but this is not ideal for everyone. Some women are happier at home, and some are not. Let's not rag on women who choose home and family over career.

5. CHOOSE WISELY. You are spot on here -- don't choose an addict, an abuser or any of those lowlifes.

Summary? Keep being awesome.

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Tragen 5ptsJun 2, 2013So, first you acted like a pathetic suck-up, worshiping the ground she walked on because she gave you sex, and then you became a slob, less interesting than a sack of potatoes. I see two mistakes there, not just one.ShareFlagLikeReply

zeal 5ptsJun 5, 2013@Tragen Blunt, but accurate.ShareFlagLikeReply

Tragen 5ptsJun 2, 2013

So, ShareFlagLikeReply

atpeace 5ptsJun 2, 2013I'm not quite as eloquent but something like: You are not as perfect as you expect him to be so look past the imperfections and keep your eye on the prize.There is quite an argument in this comment section. My two cents is that a woman just wants to feel loved AND admired for being herself and nothing more. All of these things are a good way of showing that love. I can't speak to what a man wants but I imagine it's similar.ShareFlag

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Jennfred 5ptsJun 5, 2013@atpeace I'm pretty sure men want the very same! Every point he made about what he should have done? Women should take them, as well. I sure will! Thanks!ShareFlagLikeReply

Willow216 5ptsJun 1, 2013"Happy people don't kill their *husbands. They just don't." It's my favorite movie ;)I'm not married, but we've been talking about engagement and I think the what not to do lists are just as important as the to do advice lists when contemplating a commitment like marriage. It's easy to get into ruts and bad habits, and sometimes as I read these types of posts I find things that we're maybe on a slow but definite path to doing. Catching it now and correcting it before the resentment builds will lead to a happier, longer lasting marriage (in theory). If we can't fix it now, we sure won't be able to just because we have shiny pretty rings, and that's a good sign that something won't be right in the marriage.Thank you, I appreciate advice from people who know, and I wish you luck in your future!ShareFlag

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coffeebean1220 5ptsMay 31, 2013This was amazing! Thank you so much! You've really nailed it on all 16! Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share. Hugs!ShareFlag

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Varya CWOV 5ptsMay 31, 2013I think both males and females could benefit from your points. However, it takes two to tango. So one can never take the blame fully for everything. ShareFlag

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alohaneener 5ptsMay 31, 2013fighting in front of the kids is not always bad. but you should always let them see you resolve it and/or make-up. it's more realistic for them to see their parents resolve issues than for them to think it's abnormal to have any issues...ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5ptsMay 31, 2013@alohaneener It depends on how often and how heated the fight is. Who cares about realistic? Kids don't need to experience all the real stuff us grown-ups do. I think that is part of the problem with kids nowadays. They are exposed to entirely too much. A lot of what they are exposed to shapes their viewpoint and dictates how they will handle situations when they get older. They definitely do NOT need to think that fighting is normal or ok. Disagreements are one thing. Fighting is another.ShareFlagLikeReply

Jes 5ptsJun 2, 2013@Gee Man @alohaneener I agree, proper fighting in front of children is never good. Working out civil disagreements so children can experience a cooperative and united front of parenting IS good. But the moment there is hostility, anger or it becomes heated that needs to be taken where the children are not within ear shot at all. Closed doors is a false sense of security. Sound travels. All the way up to the second floor.ShareFlag

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OlineWright 5ptsJun 5, 2013@Gee Man @alohaneener so we should make sure our kids believe that people never disagree never come into conflict? we should let them think life is fair and everyone can have what they want if they just work hard enough? Sooner or later they will have to fact the fact that life isn't fair and relationships etc are not perfect. If they learn it in their younger years and you emphasize that they are not at fault for the various things that are "fought" over then they will likely survive and do better as adults than hitting reality smack on when they leave school and home.ShareFlagLikeReply

Gee Man 5ptsJun 6, 2013@OlineWright @Gee Man @alohaneener No one said we should make sure our kids believe that people never disagree or that they can have whatever they want. Who said that? I sure didn't. However, disagreements do not have to result in conflicts/fights. This is the message we should teach our children. They can solve differences without behaving disrespectful towards your wife. I think there is better ways to communicate and teach your children the realities of life besides fighting in front of them. Fighting in front of them is sending the message that it is acceptable to fight with the one you love. I happen to disagree with that message. As adults, differences can be handled other ways.ShareFlagLikeReply

zeal 5ptsJun 5, 2013

@alohaneener Fighting is stupid in the first place. It's two grown people throwing temper tantrums. If you're getting overly emotional at each other, go spend some time alone for awhile, and come back when you can discuss it rationally.ShareFlag

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Gee Man 5ptsJun 6, 2013@zeal @alohaneener That is right Zeal.ShareFlagLikeReply

bradleydurham 5ptsMay 31, 2013#7 is a huge one for me. A lot of what broke up my first marriage. Second time around, we worked out a way for each of us to have "fun money." The other person gets no say in what that money is spent on. Best decision ever.ShareFlag

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MarriedWithChildren 5ptsMay 31, 2013Number 1 Rule....SHE IS THE BOSS! Want a happy marriage? This is my secret and the bonus is I get to be the boss when she lets me ;) ShareFlag

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Jennfred 5ptsJun 5, 2013@MarriedWithChildren Happy wife, happy life? lol That is true but goes both ways, as well.ShareFlagLikeReply

WishingForADoOver 5ptsMay 31, 2013#17. DON'T SCREW AROUND ON YOUR WIFE. Since my marriage has ended, I have boiled my "marriage advice" down to this: Be honest with each other, even when you think it's going to hurt their feelings. It may not be pleasant, but it is ALWAYS the best option. Communication is so very essential, even when it's hard. Actually, especially when it's hard. That's the only way to get to the "better" part of "for better or worse". I forgot about this with my ex-husband, we forgot how to communicate, and we each retreated when we felt hurt. I lost respect for him, he lost his confidence in me, and we lost our love for each other, I isolated myself, he cheated repeatedly, and now we are left with pieces of something that died a long time ago. If we had been able to communicate our unhappiness when it was small, it would have NEVER gotten that far.ShareFlag

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Colette 5ptsMay 30, 2013This post was conscience and really practical. I'm 35 and never been married. I know that though I strive for health in all the relationships I have, family, friends, coworkers and such, when I finally take the plunge it will be harder than I thought, though worth it : )Thanks for taking the time to post this. Its really helpful for me looking forward!ColetteShareFlag

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AmyMiramontes 5ptsMay 30, 2013Awesome! I found myself tearing up at the things I miss my husband doing and kicking myself for the ones I have messed up on. Thanks for sharing this. I'm printing this out to keep as a daily reminder.ShareFlag

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Jennfred 5ptsJun 5, 2013@AmyMiramontes Me too. Men and women alike can benefit from this. Good stuff!ShareFlagLikeReply

PattiSawyer 5ptsMay 30, 2013All the reasons you listed made me realize that is why I rate my marriage as great most of the time. Fifteen years and six kids later, we still hold hands, kiss, have make up sex, compliment each other. Oh, we still have our problems, but I trust that he wants to be in this as much as I do at this point and so can let things go a little easier. This was a great post!ShareFlag

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Jennfred 5ptsJun 5, 2013@PattiSawyer Love it! Now this is the good stuff!ShareFlagLikeReply

CCrisp 5ptsMay 30, 2013Well done!ShareFlagLikeReply

Bstarbee 5ptsMay 30, 2013Bravo. Excellent advice. Heartfelt and funny! www.flockandfeather.wordpress.comKydi 5pts12 hours ago

Hey there. I agree with someone else. If you feel you've learned these lessons, then you're a real keeper. Though I'd advise in your next relationship to re read this once a month or so. I really really enjoyed this. Another article I'd love to see: Society is really great at pointing out what men SHOULD do for women, and it's taken for granted that women do everything for men. I don't feel this is so, at least not in most cases. All the relationship columns out there talk about men needing to feel appreciated, but .. there's not much of a guide out there in doing so unless we're talking about cooking, cleaning, laundry, and other routine things that go ignored. What's the equivalent of flowers for men? A car wash voucher? Bacon roses? One thing I once saw that I thought was great was plan a secret surprise weekend/day for him with all his pals. I.E Tell him you need him for the day, get to a location, (aka paintball) and surprise..all his best budds (you hope!) are there, and you turn around saying "enjoy.. pick you up at 4am!". I'm trying to think of the top 10 things men are "supposed to do" for women, and I'd love to see a reciprocated list, Ie : Hold open doors - Favours for Men equivalent = ?? Flowers - Car wash?Upscale dinner and movie = ?I'd love to see your take on such a list. Moving all the heavy crap = ?Battling the Stinkgross monsters = ? baking a "hero" cake or steak?? Also.. I think you've bloged on it, but I'm sick to death of the new ish "portraying men as imbeciles and idots " culture we seem to be circulating lately. Just saying. One of my rules is never ever put each other down in public.. aka your sarcasm. And I hate it when people "joke" about things like.. so looking forward to getting away from the wife/husband, or how he/she is not needed or a pain, or other "remorseful spouse" comments. If you need a break or space form each other, do/take it. Otherwise, those hurtful little jibes only half meant really are the foundtational cracks that bring the walls down. Also: one of my most highly highly recommended readings is "The 5 languages of love " (or is it the 5 love languages) by Dr. So and Such. Hope you read about it, and then get everyone else to read it. : )Cheers. Love the blog!Kylie. ShareFlagLikeReply

guest 5pts23 hours agoOK, I read part 2. Can I just give you a hug, a completely platonic online version? There is no class, no school, no teacher for how to act inside a relationship. You make it up on your own, you and your partner, as you go; and sometimes you do fall into really bad habits, and there's no one to call you on them, to point them out and correct you and show you the error of your ways-- Except your partner, and that can get complicated, and doesn't always go over so well. (Hence the value of communication skills, and also of

making a point to remember to use them). So you have to rely on being insightful enough to realize some of it yourself, and to listen to them. Growing up, learning from our mistakes - some of us are quicker at it than others, but no one is perfect, and anyone in a marriage or significant relationship has committed these sins or ones just like them. PS, I like the bonuses. funny, & they're true!ShareFlagLikeReply

guest 5pts23 hours agoOK I haven't even read part 2 yet. But I did read part 1. In reaction to your opening- the reason your post/s went viral is because WE ALL DO THIS SHIT. Really. All of us, the same lazy, petty, self serving stuff. And then someone takes the effort to write it all out and say Hey there, by the way, *don't* do this. Value each other. Value your relationship, put in the effort. People need to hear that. So you are not just giving advice on how not to fail. You are giving a gentle nudge in the right direction to those whose relationships may be, ever so gradually, going off the rails - to those who may have forgotten what the right direction is, or why it's right. Thank you.ShareFlagLikeReply

jpricenjibl 5pts23 hours agoI'm almost smiling when I'm tearing up reading this. Hit home completely. Never realized how much I resented and then acted out in my marriage. No person is perfect , but that's solid advice to just simply not give up once you have someone. ShareFlagLikeReply

JenJen 5pts1 day agoIt's really great that you have figured this out and I absolutely mean that. But #19 really makes me unhappy because I was in that relationship - he and his entire family did that to his mother, to me and to all the other wives. I stuck with it through four years and two kids and finally realized I had to leave when the wife of his best friend called me Sh1t for brains, just as my husband did constantly in public, and then laughingly said, "Oops, I forgot your name! Sorry...". It's hard to realize when you're in it it but that is just as abusive as smacking someone.

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MommaRose 5pts2 days agoI am sure that many of your female audience is champing at the bit, because you now have a "reformed bad boy" appeal. Seriously, It is great that you learned these things, and someone who can look at themselves this honestly is more likely to make any change stick. No guarantee of course, but there never is. I have my own list, after 2 failed marriages of my own. It is unlikely to matter for me tho, as I am now a single mom, with 4 kids. I only hope I can help others...ShareFlag

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kimbies 5pts2 days agoWe've been (mostly) happily married for almost 30 years and I think this is great. Some of it is 2nd nature by now, some (a lot) we still need to practice and polish. Thanks for the reminders! As for why this has become so popular, I think it's encouraging that so many people are still smart enough to learn from other peoples' mistakes instead of feeling like they can only learn from their own. I bet there's somebody out there reading this who really, really, wants to meet you. I hope you find her.ShareFlag

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tiffita 5pts3 days agoIs there a wife version of this?ShareFlagLikeReply

katiegirl2015 5pts3 days agoOne more thing! I heard once that if you don't make your spouse smile someone else will! and boy is that TRUE! and that really is the nitty gritty of marriage. If your spouse isn't smiling (happy) someone out there will make them happy I guess just always treat your spouse like you could lose them tomorrowShareFlag

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katiegirl2015 5pts3 days agoI loved your lists, so honest and smart! I was married for almost 10 years and I divorced him for many of these reasons. I never felt special, or that my ideas or work was appreciated. I actually started crying when I read the first list. My ex husband is already remarried, and I almost want to show him this list just so he can see it from another husbands point of view and hopefully he can make this marriage work with his new wife. I'm in a new relationship and we talk about getting married all the time. I read this list and can check off each and everything that Chris does for me! Love him so much! Thanks for the good cry and for allowing me to see that all of these things are so important and that I wasn't selfish in feeling that way when we were divorcing! Great Job! ShareFlag

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bookwyrm 5pts4 days agoHonestly, if you treat a person like they value you, they won't think less of you for being a normal human that poos and farts and stinks up the bathroom. After all, you are a normal human being, and your poo stinks just like the rest of ours. And married for life means that, eventually, one or the other of you is going to be a primary end-of-life caregiver, and that comes will all sorts of issues. Also stomach viruses.

I would also add that, as the person whose parents made a pact never to argue in front of the kids, this works very badly when, instead you end up validating each other for breaking your child...because otherwise you'd have to disagree with them in front of the children and tell your child that their parent was wrong for telling her she's stupid. Go

back and read your own article on breaking your child, and then add in the part when the kid gets home, Dad tells Mom how much trouble Kid was, and Mom tells Kid how wrong he was too. Tell me that isn't infinitely worse than that kid seeing Mom say, "Do NOT treat our child like that."And if they (I) never see peaceful conflict resolution they (I) never learn it. If they (I) honestly believe that you (they) can't disagree and still be happy and respect each other, then they (I) will be convinced that disagreement means that it can't be "real" love. This is an insanely unhealthy attitude.ShareFlag

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SilkeForce 5pts5 days agoThere are lots of things I'd have wished my husband would do for me, and a good number I wished i'd done for him too. But in the end, the real killer was simply being too close to his family. And when his parents criticisms of me were offered not only in private but in front of my children, I pleaded with him to ask them to stop. He said that he couldn't and I felt more and more and more depressed, while my children also became critical of me.I do so wish that he had listened when i suggested that we move thousands of miles away. I left because I needed out, dead or alive. I chose "alive." If I could add one more: always stand united as a couple. If somebody criticises her, whether in private or in public, defend her, support her. If you don't do it in private, it may end up becoming public.ShareFlag

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SamKitots 5pts06 Jul@mawazo_mengi heya, I read them some time back. Really nice and practical...Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

mawazo_mengi 5pts06 Jul@SamKitots cool beans :)Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlag

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SuzanneLewis 5pts5 days agoRead these. So many of these are essentially things I wish my husband had/would do. I am divorcing him, for many of the reasons you posted. After people get hurt enough, it I hard to go back.ShareFlagLikeReply

tiffita 5pts6 days agoVery raw, real & inspiring to realize how important it is to look at our own behaviors-- and seeing how I need to be a better wife, too. Thank you so much for your thorough, amazing blogs on marriage. It's no wonder your list is spreading through other bloggers and multiple sites. ShareFlagLikeReply

Aerykah 5pts6 days agoI agree with firefly088 about why this list has gone virile. To me the honesty shows that this is a well thought out list where you have been honest with yourself as well as your readers. Instead of simply blaming your ex-wives for your failed marriages, you're willing to accept some of the blame & admit that you could have & should have done things differently. That says a lot.I'm not married -- never have been -- but I think I would like my future husband to follow pretty much all of your advice. And I know of some other marriages that could benefit from this too. As I read your list, I kept thinking that the ladies reading this should also consider following the advice. They might have to change some of it around, but it can apply to them just as much as it can to their husbands; and they need to admit that everything that goes wrong isn't just their man's fault.ShareFlagLikeReply

firefly088 5pts6 days agoDan, I haven't read all of the comments, but I wanted to post regarding your question as to why this list has gone virile. I'm sure it's because of your brutal honesty. You show

your vulnerability and people LOVE that. You admit to specific things that most would water down and put in more generic terms. I think many women like your list because it justifies their feelings. I noticed a lost of comments by women saying that they wish their husbands would read it, etc. I wonder if those women have been as honest with themselves, as you have been, and tried to come up with their own lists....It would be interesting if one of your exes would make their own list. :) I could comment on a million things, but I won't. I'd rather blame my own failed marriage on my ex-husband then be as honest as you have been and try to make my own list. I'm pretty sure I did nothing wrong, ever. And your list proves it. lol ShareFlag

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Sue G 5pts7 days agoI remember when my ex-husband would know he did something wrong and rather than acknowledge it and apologize for it, he would get me to laugh and joke me out of my anger, as if I didn't have any right to be angry or upset with him for messing up in the first place. I finally exploded at him, telling him that I had a right to be angry. I wanted to feel my anger because it was justified. Rather than learning from the mistake, and learning to apologize when he'd mess up, he just said, "Fine. I won't make you laugh to cheer you up anymore." as if I was unhappy and sad, and needed to be "cheered up". And he was as good as his word. ShareFlagLikeReply

bcmcgowen 5pts7 days agonow if I could only talk my husband into reading this....ShareFlagLikeReply

ruffIan 5pts7 days agoI still remember the hurt when my husband explained that he didn't have to make me laugh anymore because now we were married....but he did still work at making his co workers laugh.Good posts. Good learning.

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dener 5pts7 days agoI may well send these to my husband to help him the next time around. My baby girl has 2 more years until she is out of high school and 18 and then I am out of here. You hit on a large number of the reasons. May I add the following: 1) Don't make her feel like # 9874312 in your list of priorities; 2) don't call her bad names because your kids learn that her name is f*&^ing b*&^h also; 3) when your son calls her that, knock his head off on the spot--he will never call her that again (unless, of course, you do)--but he will if you wait until later to "counsel him"; 4) don't accept a transfer and leave her 650 miles away for 6 years (or 1 year) because she will learn that she can take care of herself; 5) treat your mother well--she can tell how you will treat her when she sees how you treat the 1st important woman in your life; 6) don't whistle for her like she's a dog even when you have a funny little squeak that everyone thinks is so cute--she doesn't; 7) don't take the kids to see movies higher rated than their age because you need "buddies" instead of children--you will pay for the embarrassment she feels when the kids act like people in movies (inappropriately); 8) bring her flowers in the hospital after having a baby--especially when you fell apart and acted like a fool--you didn't go through anything compared to what she just went through; 9) in the same vein--work is not so important that her dad has to bring her home from the hospital after birthing your baby; and 10) even though you are at a work conference, when her ulcer just bled out and she almost died, you visit her in the hospital, especially when she says its okay for you not to come.So those are my 10 additions. Hopefully you never run into someone who did these kinds of things because these hurt and they killed every bit of love I ever had for him. Especially when he told me we didn't need counseling because it was all in my head. Maybe that's #11. If she says you need counseling, you better bet the two of you do. It's not just in her head but if that's what you think, you can guarantee you wont be getting lucky in bed--cause her head controls that too!hugs!ShareFlagLikeReply

frenchfry88 5pts8 days agoBrilliant! I'm a 25 year old woman and have never been married but so many of these ring true for how my ex-defacto-husband would treat me and it really messed me up and eventually lead to a covert abandonment of ex and house! I see a few of them repeating themselves with my current boyfriend and frighteningly with me! It works both ways!

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AmyGabbardParr 5pts8 days agoThese are way better than the first 16. You really got down to the real stuff here. And yes, all very true. People really are just people with thoughts and feelings. And they are not going to be just like your thoughts and feelings but that's what makes it beautiful. You miss out on a lot when you put people in your little box...

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ChibiOkamiko 5pts8 days agoThese so sound like advice my parents sorely need . . . I'm just not sure I want to deal with possible backlash. (Dad is very good at the "smarter-than-thou" crap and Mom is . . . well, all kinds of messed up in the head . . . seriously, mental illness plus brain damage = messed up head. I have to be careful with her to avoid setting her off the wrong way.)ShareFlagLikeReply

piercemoon 5pts8 days agoThese are great lists for both men and women. Great reminders that we never should never take each other for granted. I read things that reflected me and cried when I read things that rang true for my husband. Thank you for your honesty.ShareFlagLikeReply

Jackiestar 5pts8 days agoI am sue you will be enjoying your next marriage.and it will be an awesome success!! You ROCK!!! ShareFlag

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JenniferGainous 5pts8 days agoSo needed this list before I got married and divorced. Learning the hard way sucks sometimes. ShareFlagLikeReply

doublebassist7 5pts9 days agoThe recurring theme in almost all of these pieces of advice is "don't be selfish." If our actions, words and thoughts center around doing what is best for the other person things are much better off. Especially when that is the goal of both people in the relationship. It's so much more satisfying to have someone else fulfill our desires than trying to fulfill them all by ourselves. As a 23 year-old single man who has never dated, I'm sure it would be helpful to heed my own advice about being selfless.ShareFlagLikeReply

angyo 5pts10 days agoThese are great! I would love to see a female version of this. Us, women, fall into our bad habits as well and it can get messy. I'm in the middle of a divorce and custody battle, which began two years ago of a 13 year long marriage. Immediatly after leaving him, I was humbled and realized how wrong I was on so many levels through out the marriage. Reading your lists not only applies to men, women could use some of it as well, except for the manly pride stuff. You have great writing skills and I think you should write a bookShareFlagLikeReply

JustinGreenwood 5pts11 days ago

How about the most important thing you missed - the part where both parties have integrity and keep their promise to stick with it until death.ShareFlagLikeReplyThis comment has been deleted

beauray 5pts13 days agoThe two biggest things that stuck out to me, that apply to my relationship, are the sarcasm one and number 30. "Don't demand that she tell you what she's thinking." She is way more sarcastic than me and it is almost always negative and in the middle of me trying to tell her something important. it drives me crazy. I do the second thing. I always KNOW when something's up with her and demand that she tell me. I never really thought about it in terms of me "desperately needing approval for everything I did or said" but that's really the truth. It makes me very glad I read this Blog. I think it's useful for anyone who wants to be in a loving relationship. People are so hypocritical and unreasonably demanding. We often wonder why we aren't getting what we want from our significant other when we aren't even willing to acknowledge that which we need. If two people are willing to expose what they need to each other, I think they will have an easier time with becoming more honest individuals. Bonus! A long lasting, healthy relationship. ShareFlagLikeReply

MeganBabb 5ptsJun 26, 2013As someone going through a divorce right now and thinking about what it takes to heal and move forward, thank you, thank you, thank you! I have a request, if you read this: Any chance you'd write something similar for us women? I know as a man, you're taking the route of healthy, humble, internal-looking advice, rather than blaming your spouses for their part. And lots of these apply to women as well. But ... was there anything your wives could have done to build you up? To make these things easier for you? What can we women do to be better wives, earn our man's adoration, and generally support our man in becoming his best (without the nagging we sometimes resort to in our fear or frustration)?(P.S. No need to apologize for the sex stuff. You *get* that women get sexy when they feel loved, so no objections there!)ShareFlag

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Sam McCohn 5pts10 hours ago@MeganBabb As sad as this may be to admit, I'm amazed that someone would actually ask for a way "to be better wives, earn our man's adoration, and generally support our man in becoming his best." I have suffered through a 12-year marriage that has never had any of that, nor have I ever heard of a woman wanting to support her man or make him better. All I've ever known, and not just in my marriage but in all the marriages around me, is the man is expected to provide entirely for the wife and children. What's that, you're tired, sore, and worn down from everything? Tough, get in there and make your wife and kids happy and secure.ShareFlagLikeReply

KRZ 5ptsJun 26, 2013I've been married for almost a year, but with my spouse for over 5 years. We both come from "broken" homes so we were both very hesitant to get married. I learned in our premarital course that what you want to do it speak LIFE into your spouse, so basically you wouldn't speak bad about your spouse to anyone, put them down, call out their flaws, yell at them, call them names etc. I have learned to always speak life into my husband, and I'm telling you there are times when it almost seems impossible. For example, just saying "you are so sexy" when he works out, or "you are so patient" or "you are so good at planning/making decisions/ watching out for us/ etc" I'm speaking that life into him, and I hear him speak life into me when he does the same back. I hope we continue this throughout our marriage esp when the hard times come. ShareFlag

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Saved92497 5ptsJun 26, 2013As a woman whose 29-year marriage ended in divorce 3 years ago, I would like to add DO NOT LIE TO EACH OTHER ABOUT ANYTHING!! And omission of the truth IS considered a lie. No matter what your motive - even if it's "for the good of the family", lies undermine the foundation of a marriage. Once trust is gone, it takes a long time for it to be regained. My ex-husband lied to me more times than I even know (he still won't come clean about everything), but we stuck it out for close to three decades. He took zero time after we split to find a new woman and marry her (he wasn't even divorced 1 month

for every 1 year of marriage before he re-married to a woman who is twice divorced). My prayer for them is that God will raise up someone around him who loves him enough to be honest with him and who holds him accountable. As for me, I am now VERY sensitive to lying - I will have none of it. And I'm taking my time in moving on. My heart is still broken that my marriage ended - even though it was 3 years ago. I'm not "over it". I'm not sure I ever will be, or that I actually should be. Honesty can be difficult, but it is always best.ShareFlag

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greeneyedcat 5ptsJun 26, 2013Sex with my husband is the best sex I ever had. Sadly, for the last five years, he has just completely lost interest. We now have sex four to six times a year. I get lots of excuses and zero action. I am now at a point where I no longer initiate. The rejection just became too painful. You have become a wise man, after two failed marriages. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world with wife number three.ShareFlagLikeReply

MeganBabb 5ptsJun 26, 2013@greeneyedcat I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling! Please find some professional help, with your husband if he'll go, or for yourself if he won't. Doing so saved my life.ShareFlagLikeReply

MichelleWood 5ptsJun 25, 2013I totally agree with the moving away from your family, and the two year mark is probably the least that is acceptable!! The other ones are really great as well.. Opened my eyes tremendously. Great information for both men and women.ShareFlagLikeReply

CharleneBrummund 5ptsJun 25, 2013These are GREAT articles. Very well written, entertaining, thought-provoking & several laugh out loud moments. :) I think rather than preventing you from getting a date, this airing out of your dirty laundry will have the ladies lining up at your door. Sounds to me like Number 3 is going to be one lucky lady. :D Thanks for sharing.CharleneShareFlagLikeReply

NateR 5ptsJun 25, 2013Great list.Something I overheard in sixth grade as we were waiting for the bell to ring: A girl, that I happened to have a tiny crush on (it was 6th grade, who didn't I have a crush on?), mentioned to one of her friends that she knew that when she got married, she would never get divorced. "There's no way you can know that - you never know what will happen!" her friend said. She simply replied, "I know because for me and the man I marry, divorce won't be an option."At first, that seems to be something so simple that it would never work. But think about it, when you get married, your saying to your future spouse, "I promise I will always be with you - you will always be mine." ALWAYS. Now, mere stubbornness won't suffice. I've tried that in other areas of life... unsuccessfully.There's a myriad of things that could be covered on how you go about mentally removing divorce as an option. There's no miracle pill. Growing up in today's culture imbeds in your brain that you always want to leave yourself a way out -- a back door to escape through. But if you believe in the power and sanctity of marriage, it certainly becomes a little easier to fathom that, even in the world today, you can take a stand with each other and say, "No quarrel is too big. Whatever we face, we face it together." Then, if divorce is truly not an option for either one of you, that leaves only one path to take - reconciliation.Something my dad told us before we got married: No matter what argument we will have - no matter how deep the issue may be rooted - in the heat of the moment, DO NOT say anything to your spouse about the possibility of divorcing over it -- even in jest. If it is mentioned, the opposite spouse will remember it (even decades later). It gets planted in the brain and subconsciously eats away at the confidence you had of being together forever. It is a bad seed to sow. If, rather, WHEN you ever have the inclination to mention that divorce would just be easier... KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! Resolve the friction between you and that feeling will pass.This is just an added mindset to go along with all the other things that keep a marriage in full bloom.Thanks again for your list! They are nice reminders of what I need to be doing for my wife of 5 years.ShareFlag

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CinnyinLR 5ptsJun 24, 2013This is beyond great. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom. I have looked back on my now defunct marriage realizing that I may not have been perfect, either. *GASP* If just one person learns from your mistakes, then your post was worth every sentence. And I'm quite sure there are a LOT of women who would want to date you after reading this. :)ShareFlagLikeReply

FLG transplant kid 5ptsJun 24, 2013Liked the lists. Some commenters don't seem to realize that they are not walking on water why their husband is splashing them along the way. It is a two way street. Relationships don't work because both sides are neglecting each other. ShareFlagLikeReply

BeGee 5ptsJun 24, 2013This should be printed and mandatory for both men and women to read and keep the minute marriage proposal happens. Then it should be copied and posted on everyone's frig for future reference as well as those already married for 5, 10 even 20 years. Its never to late to make things better.... Enjoyed this beyond words!ShareFlag

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Skyqueen 5ptsJun 22, 2013

Well Dan, too bad you're not a little older, then you would have a date partner for sure! You're on the right track. It would be great if you do get a chance for a do-over with your ex. Keep on hangin' in there. marriedmansexlife.com has a lot of your ideas too, which are namely that MEN are the initial responsible party for a relationship. In other words, if they are doing it "right", the woman can't HELP but be attracted to them. Go for it! And be the example for your daughter's future husband. ShareFlagLikeReply

jmp 5ptsJun 21, 2013I guess the only thing I would add is if your spouse/partner feels uncomfortable with you hanging out with someone of the opposite sex its probably for a reason. Especially if they are fine with you hanging out with anyone else. Never put anybody else before your spouse/partner. Well maybe besides your children because they are number one always. They are the ones who have to deal with you every day and their opinion what matters most over anyone elses. With that said thats as long as they are being reasonable. If they say that you can't hang out with every guy/girl even if you have been their friends for years then there is trust issues but if it is just one that they seem to be uncomfortable around then its for a good reason. Especially if that person doesn't even put any effort into being friends with your spouse or even trying to talk with them. I love the posts it is such good advice! ShareFlagLikeReply

timjim81 5ptsJun 21, 2013@jmp Children should be put as secondary to the relationship with your spouse. Putting children as number one produces narcissistic, entitled kids who haven't had a healthy focused relationship modeled for them to strive for. Children should know that they are important, but not the center of the world because if their upbringing makes them think they are, life and the world are going to give them a rude awakening. Plus, children cannot truly sustain the relationship between their parents and will feel it when that is falling on them. This type of pressure is not helpful in growing into emotionally-healthy, well-adjusted adults.ShareFlagLikeReply

Melanie Potter 5pts

12 days ago@timjim81 I would have to disagree with you on this point. A marriage is between equals, between fully grown people who can take care of themselves, but children are learning to take care of themselves, and are more easily scarred by abuse. If you put a fully grown person before the innocent lives of the children God has entrusted to our care, who need us to protect them, that is a problem. It really depends on the spouse, are they good, decent and caring towards the children or not? If they are not, then the children definitely are more important, and should not have to bear the harm inflicted by a selfish, bad parent. And most people who end up in this situation do not see beforehand the true character of the person they married. Taking seriously the need to love, protect, provide for and nurture our children is very important. It does not produce narcissistic children, it produces children who feel secure and loved. It sounds like you and your wife, if you have one, should refrain from procreating. Our responsibility to our children is the most important responsibility we will ever have. ShareFlagLikeReply

Diverdru 5ptsJun 20, 2013See, you do have advice! The don'ts count just as much as the do's. I see so much of my two failed marriages here that it's scary. Some of it was me and some of it them, except #10 ( a rhyme, just in time). This is an amazing post talking about REAL life without psychobabble catchphrases. What honest and hard self reflection this took on your part. My eyes are opened with this, I'm printing these lists. I hope other women (like myself) can see they have faults here too. You take a LOT of responsibility here, but it does take two. Thank you.ShareFlagLikeReply

Elizabeth 5ptsJun 20, 2013You should get this published in a mini booklet. I am getting married in a month (YIKES!) and am excited and nervous and all of those emotions that go along with making a big commitment. Even though these reminders are from the male perspective and I can hope and pray that my fiancé will work on these tips -- the reality is that I will have faults to work on in our relationship as well, and it is critical to be open and vulnerable in dealing with those issues as they arise and not distancing ourselves from them. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so willing to put your blunders on display for others to learn what NOT to do. Hopefully, many who read this will be enabled to avoid and/or work through some major marital issues! Blessings,Elizabeth

justcallmeque 5ptsJun 20, 2013Hiya! My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. That is quite a long time I believe, especially because I was 19 when we got married. We read post 1 and post 2, so all 31 ways. Both of us loved it, and it was also a fantastic refresher. It reminded us of things we should work on again so we dont get to the point of blowing a marriage. I think it is fantastic that it was something you really sat down to think about, and amazing advice for your sister. Also I am sure you can find a date because you have worked at yourself, bettered yourself and are now willing to step back and make any future relationship work. Thank you for all of this!ShareFlagLikeReply

ConnieDexterSpicer 5ptsJun 20, 2013Hugs. Everyone needs hugs. Apart from kissing and touching and massage even, we all need a good hug. They remind us of our vulnerability, but they -- all by themselves -- provide us with some extra strength. And when it comes from the person we absolutely love the most, it is the most relaxing semi-substitute for good sex. Of course, the bonus of having your mate reassured, feeling special and loved beyond compare is also... good sex. Oftentimes, that is. And I'm not talking about a grab you around the neck, chest bump, "hey bud" kinda hug. When your mate is sad or frustrated or scared out of their minds, a hug reminds them that you are in it together. You derive your strength in that relationship. I really love good hugs. And thanks for sharing your tips. Good stuff there. :)ShareFlag

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amanda 5ptsJun 20, 2013...to make sure we are happy to get it on. It's like the quick and easy remedy. ShareFlagLikeReply

amanda 5ptsJun 20, 2013Thanks for the openness! It's very refreshing. I will say this: my husband (and I would say we are very happily married) does just about every single one of the annoying things

on your list. We don't yell often, but when we do, it's a real fight. And I usually end up crying. And he usually ends up realizing what a daft punk he's been. And it's usually because he's neglected my needs, real or imagined. Or vice versa, I've neglected his needs. But you know what we do that helps us remember always -- we love sex. We do whatever we need to do to ShareFlagLikeReply

mmtc70 5ptsJun 20, 2013thanks for being so honest im not married but I do want to keep my relationship intact so I hope that I can follow your advice and work out my own imperfect self and make her feel as special later down the road as I see her now thanks again for putting your life out for all us other fools that need it ShareFlag

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theonlycaptain 5ptsJun 19, 2013Thank you for posting this! My fiance and I are REALLY close to getting married. When I read this, I realized we were doing a lot on this list!Things are going to change (:Thank you.ShareFlagLikeReply

CindyLouFriesen 5ptsJun 18, 2013Hello Dan the Brave! I appreciate your advice. I'd like to suggest a few things as you asked. 1. Remember that the things your spouse cares about are just as important to him/her as your things are to you, and who's to say your wants are more important than theirs. 2. NEVER leave a wound you create unhealed! If you say or do something, even unintentionally, to hurt your sweet heart always say, "I'm so sorry I did 'that', but especially sorry I hurt you!' Say it so that they know you truly are sorry for hurting them. Then be careful not to do 'that' again. 3. Always introduce them to people you run into that she doesn't know. Its like saying, 'I'd like you to know that this is a very important person in my life', Not introducing makes them feel like you're embarrassed by them or forgot they are with you. 4. Don't argue about anything that would be unimportant if you

didn't have them. Who cares what direction the toilet paper is hung up or whose turn it is to take the trash out, where you vacation, etc. when you have no one to share your life with? My husband treats me like every spouse would love to be treated, I'm amazed every day at his gracious unselfishness and thoughtful kindness. He surrendered his will to God 25 years ago and does it every day. I started doing that 3 years before I met him. During this year since we got married we've had opportunities to fight but have never had even a disagreement or cross word. Its truly blissful!ShareFlagLikeReply

nonnie26 5ptsJun 20, 2013@CindyLouFriesen Cindy Lou, re: #3. When my husband and I were out together and we ran into someone he knew he'd quickly introduce me EXCEPT when he'd forgotten their names. If that happened, he'd place his hand on my back. That was my signal to introduce myself so that the other person would tell me his or her name! Faulty memory? No problem!ShareFlagLikeReply

apaperaddict 5ptsJun 18, 2013I am 2.5 years out of a 15 year relationship. I think you should write a book!!! for newlyweds... Because it is the truth Maybe a her view his view style. Maybe you could help drop the divorce rate substantially.ShareFlagLikeReply

DanielleCox 5ptsJun 18, 2013I saw a lot of myself in this and for that, I cannot thank you enough.With all the good you have accomplished through this blog, it has no choice but to come right back to you. Thank you again!

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lovelooseleaf 5ptsJun 18, 2013Just read this and it is awesome. Things for me, the wife to improve or do again and things for hubby too. You ask why... for me I read your honesty and it is true. I often wonder why we are not as close as we were...things are just different for me and my hub after 10 years + 2 kids. With your not to do list I can see how a relationship can slowly loose that spark and start to get insecure and give up working on the relationship. Try not to be insecure about the failure but secure in your success of awareness and making other in relationships aware. Love your story! Thank you. ;0) I gonna start getting better starting with #1 and #10 (LOL that is sooo true!)

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xyz 5ptsJun 18, 2013Wish my husband would read these. :(ShareFlagLikeReply

KB 5ptsJun 19, 2013@xyz Have you asked him to? Mind reading should be left to the professionals ;) Best of luck!ShareFlag

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lapine403 5ptsJun 18, 2013This is a good list for both sexes, but sometimes it goes too far into doormat territory, having the potential for one partner to become more of a focus than the other. A good partnership is like a good teetertotter ride going back and forth, not forcing somebody to stay up in the air or down on the ground. I used to delight in man-bashing but now that I'm no longer a selfish bitch I prefer to see men and women both as people first, and in my opinion the best relationships between people involve sticking up for yourself as well as being generous towards the other person. Sometimes it can bring out the best in the

other if you stand your ground and give them the opportunity to choose how they respond. It is good to drop negativity, but overlooking somebody else's faults and supporting them when it isn't warranted can lead to ruin as well, I think.ShareFlagLikeReply

CindyLouFriesen 5ptsJun 18, 2013@lapine403 but then if you wait till they see it your way you could be making a bid situation worse. On the other hand, if you start treating them the way you did when you were dating, they may take notice and return the favor

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Tessla 5ptsJun 18, 2013Love these lists. Thank you so much for posting them. Speaks directly to some of the issues I know I had in my previous marriage, and will have again (I'm sure) in the current one. Some lessons are harder to learn than others, and this honestly gave some a name. Your advice is amazing, and I look forward to many more reads down the road. Will definitely be sharing this with my husband and all our friends. Again thank you for putting these out here. I know I'm not the only one who is going, "well hell this may have the answer to that nagging problem on the back burner."

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MariaCTurvin 5ptsJun 18, 2013I think you are going to have a very successful marriage #3. I also think you probably just helped to save some marriages out there and helped others create successful, healthy marriages.ShareFlagLikeReply

guest19678 5pts

Jun 17, 2013After reading all 31 of your points, I wonder if you and my boyfriend are made from the same cloth. He too has been married, and divorced, twice. A lot of the issues you point out are among the same things I hope he reads and recognizes. Here's to hoping. Thanks for your retrospection, I feel it is valuable to many, and if not at least it was therapeutic for you.ShareFlagLikeReply

Britt1818 5ptsJun 17, 2013This is beautiful. I suspect that, contrary to your original opinion, you will get LOTS of dates now. You GET it, and that's a rare find.How did either or both exes respond to this article?ShareFlagLikeReply

A duder 5ptsJun 17, 2013This list is awesome. I am about to propose to my girl friend of 3 years. We love each other very much, but some times we argue about dumb things. I hate it and can't understand why it happens. After reading your lists I realize that I do some of these things. To be honest I don't even realize I have been doing them. Thanks for making me think about my own actions deeper. I can't wait to have my girlfreind read this list so we can talk about it with each other. It will make our relationship alot stronger.As a side note, I have read alot of the post below and some of the woman that posted need to not think of this list as just ways your ex-husband sucked. You should use it to think of ways you be a better person. That is what life is about.ShareFlagLikeReply

AP1971 5ptsJun 17, 2013Thanks for this...after 1 failure and one failing now...this is just what I needed to remind me of what needs to be done...it doesn't take too long to forget (7 years in my present case) what made you come together in the first place. Sometimes, just the reminder is enough, I pray that is the case with us.God bless you. ShareFlag

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JillianMcBride 5ptsJun 17, 2013I think one reason that this list is so popular is that not only is the content helpful and entertaining, but in general we want to believe that it is possible to learn from our mistakes. When we go through a break up there is a silver lining of "well, at least I learned from this." When it has been enough time you begin to ask yourself what you can take away from the experience and how you can change/grow/improve. Your article collectively addresses this state (which is rare because it is a very solitary state- one of reflection), so I think people are receptive to it also because of that aspect. Collective introspection if you will.ShareFlagLikeReply

UsernameThatDoesntExist 5ptsJun 17, 2013I think you're kind of disgusting and self-absorbed, tbh, but I appreciate this list.I cannot believe there are humans alive who "poop with the door open". Beyond disgusting. I hope you learned from your mistakes. Seems like you may have, by what you've written. Funny but it's the second time this week I ended up on your site (2nd time ever). I enjoyed your bullying article as well.ShareFlagLikeReply

Saved92497 5ptsJun 26, 2013@UsernameThatDoesntExist I was married for 29 years to a man who pooped with the door open all the time. Three years post-divorce, and that image is still one of the first that comes to my mind when I think about our day-to-day life together. Very disgusting and impossible to erase from memory.ShareFlagLikeReply

MaurisaLangholf 5ptsJun 17, 2013

I love your honesty I actually posted thison fb a while ago but tonight actually searched for it and posted it again....people relate because more of us have relationships that fail. I think this is amazing because most of us blame the other instead of taking responsibility for their actions that lead to the failed relationship. This to me is about personal growth and growing as a couple. It seems like it should be easy but it sure isn't, sad thing is it's what most of us want that stable solid relationship, the place we belong, with people we belong with. Frustrated but still trying, resisting the urge to run :-)I thanks for the inspiration ShareFlagLikeReply

Stephanie Blase 5ptsJun 16, 2013I love your honesty. I am going through a separation, which will probably end in divorce. This list, and the other, are prefect. Almost every number on both of these lists, my husband is guilty of. And, let me tell you, if he would have done just a couple things on the list different we might not be in this spot. I am sure you will get a date again :) You were brave, and put yourself and past mistakes out there in hopes that maybe just ONE person might learn from them, and that takes guts. Thank you. You have now raised the bar for any woman who has read this, and they will not settle anymore :)ShareFlagLikeReply

Claire Ameele 5ptsJun 16, 2013I agree with every one of the things you said, and I'd like to offer one more. When one of you brings up a concern, listen, think about what's being said, and talk about it. Don't rationalize the issue away and change the subject. If you don't agree, then say so, and see if you can find some common ground, or even agree to disagree. And hold hands while you're talking it out.ShareFlagLikeReply

JCPoe 5ptsJun 15, 2013Hey Dan just read through this entire list (parts I and II). I honestly think the list is wonderful, it is written in a way that opens the reader's eyes up to problems in their relationships that are festering. Me and my fiance' have both read through your advice and we honestly think that it will make our relationship stronger because of it. I know

what I do wrong, she knows what she does wrong, and now we both know how to fix it to make it right. So we thank you. Also, you will probably get plenty of dates after this. Even though you didn't do so hot in the first two marriages, you do have a plan to improve the third. So women will probably be tearing down your front door in order to go on dates with you. Besides if you ever screw up they can just hand you this list and remind you of the things you would do differently.ShareFlagLikeReply

katmojo 5ptsJun 12, 2013Also, I would like to know what causes a man to only touch his wife when he wants sex? My husband is sooooo frickin' obvious! But of course I then say "You're only nice to me when you want sex!" And believe me, that makes me NOT want to have sex. It's almost to the point of being gross. It's a turn off. But if I say anything, I'm a bitch or I'm crazy or I hear "WHAT is wrong with you??" HELP!ShareFlagLikeReply

katmojo 5ptsJun 12, 2013I agree with most everything you said except for #8. If children don't see conflict and the resulting resolution, they will not learn how to compromise. They will not learn that marriage is not perfect. They will not learn that love isn't perfect.ShareFlagLikeReply

ACS 5ptsJun 14, 2013@katmojo I have to agree with Dan, we're not saying don't disagree, we're saying to don't yell and fight. They need to know that there are better, calmer ways to resolve disagreements. If you are yelling, throwing things, and hitting each other in front of our kids that's immature and stupid. ShareFlagLikeReply

iamevilcupcake 5pts

Jun 10, 2013It takes massive balls to point out your failings in a relationship. Everyone should read this. Everyone should take note. Sadly, I don't think this would have helped my husband as he had the full support of his parents to behave like an absolute dick.ShareFlagLikeReply

Captain Allen 5ptsJun 11, 2013@iamevilcupcake then he should have added......Don't Let your Parents run your Marriage, Tell them to work on their own. ShareFlagLikeReply

trying 5ptsJun 11, 2013@iamevilcupcake I can relate. My husband also has the full support of his family in being a lazy, inconsiderate prick.ShareFlagLikeReply

Captain Allen 5ptsJun 10, 2013Wow, 3 failed marriages, and I have Done virtually all of these things.....I am now happily married to my best friend of 30+ years........I see that I am not doing as many of these things, but I certainly am falling into a few not so good routines such as the pooping thing and a couple others, You couldn't be more right as after one fail in particular, these things were blatantly pointed out to me after the fact. I would die if I screwed this one up too because of carelessness. I think I will print this out and put it on my desk where I see it everyday, and take one random thing from it each day......Kinda like a daily bible verse of what not to do today. You are awesome for just putting it out there, damn the pride so to speak, and you have most likely saved more than a few marriages.....is there a Nobel Peace prize in your future? who knows, but you have certainly made at least a few marriages better and that is more than most of us can do......Good Luck, I hope you find Happiness and your Next Marriage is a resounding success. just put these in your wallet and read one every day. Thanks for sharing with us.ShareFlag

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IamMrsMark 5ptsJun 10, 2013Thanks for taking the time to write out all of these things that could have helped your marriage. Mine isn't hurting, but it can always get better! Gonna have him read these for good ideas.ShareFlagLikeReply

Mar 5ptsJun 9, 2013Thank you so much for sharing your insights. This is probably the best marriage advice I've ever read! I'm a woman and am guilty of most behaviours you described. The advice fell out of the sky (okay, the web) at the perfect time for me because the love of my life and I have been going through a tough patch. I need to change some of my behaviours. He will appreciate it and might show his appreciation with a deep, slow kiss while holding me gently. We'll, of course, make our way to the bedroom where magic will happen. ShareFlagLikeReply

JenniferBouldin 5ptsJun 8, 2013I shed a few tears reading your list of reasons. YOU GET IT! I can relate to a lot of the reasons and I think the fact that their is at least one man in this world who has enough gumption to say" this is what I did wrong " and create solutions is a miracle. your list should be public knowledge...it should be posted in every public restroom, printed on beer cans...fast food bags and cereal boxes. God bless you and thank you. P.S .You are wrong about the date thing.every woman wants a man to hold her hand and not be a jack ass know it all. Thanks again ShareFlagLikeReplyThis comment has been deleted

McMe 5pts

Jun 8, 2013thanks for being so honest. as I read this, I wondered if my ex husband reads your blog... because you just described his actions... daily. but, he was mean and violent on top of that... ShareFlagLikeReply

CJT 5ptsJun 7, 2013Dan, you hit on a universal truth with both of these lists: We have all, at one time or another, done things on this list and screwed up a relationship. The things you listed are things with which everyone can identify to some extent. The Do-Over and Bonus parts are excellent suggestions on how to change a particular behavior and what the result might be.You're not the only one who has screwed up a relationship or two--I think everyone who reads these lists can identify with at least 1 behavior, and therein lies the tremendous appeal.ShareFlagLikeReply

BSanders 5ptsJun 7, 2013I loved everything you said!! As a woman I wish that all men would not only read this but actually listen and take it in.Thank you!BSandersShareFlag

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CJT 5ptsJun 7, 2013@BSanders As a woman, I think BOTH sexes should read these lists, listen, take them in, and make whatever changes they see. Men aren't the only ones who screw up relationships...ShareFlag

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MelissaJoManwaringHudson 5ptsJun 6, 2013Perfect and incredibley insightful advice. I think everyone deals with most of these, if not all of these. And contrary to what you think, I don't think you'll have to worry about not getting a date after this. I think any single woman would read this (especially the "If I could have a do-over" parts) and just melt. Looks like though you went through something incredibley difficult, you were able to grow and learn from it. . . becoming better. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm going to have to print these out so I can constantly remind myself of how I can be better.ShareFlagLikeReply

JaalaSquishy 5ptsJun 6, 2013Wow. These posts were really an eye opener, because most of these things, are things that I am guilty of (the wife). So now I kind of get to see the other side of things.. And realize just what I really need to work on. And for that, I applaud you, not many people can get through to thick-skulled me. Here's to hoping that I (And anyone else that has a suffering marriage) can salvage it because of you ;)ShareFlagLikeReply

ucbmom 5ptsJun 6, 2013Both of these lists are spot on, so thank you. When it's right there in black and white, it seems so obvious, but when you're in the thick of it, not so much. I can see all of the things that were done wrong in my marriage on both our parts. It's such a learning process and I'm so happy to say that in my current relationship, the man I love does the things in the do-over boxes (well, we both do and have an amazing relationship). We always joke that I when I filled out my Man Factory order form, I checked all the right boxes! But seriously, having been through the types of things you wrote about in my own marriage, I learned so much and it made me a better person and a better partner in my current relationship (and a better parent). Having been through all of the crap, I am truly able to appreciate what an amazing man my boyfriend is. I'm glad that I didn't become bitter. Instead, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Sometimes, the do-over is with a new

person and you get the opportunity to do what should have been done in the previous relationship without the baggage.ShareFlagLikeReply

SaraAnneThorkildsen 5ptsJun 6, 2013Perhaps the reason it went viral is so many people are living these same situations and you phrase it so well that everyone reading can say. .. jeez I didn't think of it that way and if I don't change I could end up divorced. ..ShareFlagLikeReply

MsWrong 5ptsJun 5, 2013To quote your intro, "After all, it’s the advice from a guy who blew it, not a guy who knows what he’s doing, " I have to say I disagree. I am a firm believer in not being so hard on yourself or you will start treating others that way. I think this is part of what we learn as we grow and mellow and finally take in and implement the life lessons we just don't understand the first few times we encounter them. This list is popular because you articulate all the things that so many of us have had to learn in a difficult way, just as you have. And if you believe as I do that the main purpose for our existence is to better ourselves in ways that we can then pass on to others, then perhaps you are going about your life's purpose in exactly the fashion you were meant to ~ be wellShareFlag

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sadpanda 5ptsJun 5, 2013This is basically a list of "how to emotionally abuse your partner" :/ShareFlagLikeReply

MacStiles 5pts

Jun 5, 2013@sadpanda I guess that's one way to look at it... You could also look at the Ten Commandments as a list of "things to contradict in one's pursuit of hell," or even more tangible, your company's employee manual as "rules you should break to get fired as quickly as possible." I think the point is Dan is reverse engineering the ingredients for a healthy marriage, not a giving us a punch-list for ruining someone's life.ShareFlagLikeReply

ucbmom 5ptsJun 6, 2013@sadpanda Dan is letting us know that these things are not what you should do if you want to have a happy, healthy marriage. He's admitting things that he and his partners did wrong and showing us how we can become better people by not doing these things. They aren't good things, and that's exactly the point he's making.ShareFlagLikeReply

somewhat happily married 5ptsJun 5, 2013Thank you!!! My husband and I have been trying to express these issues to each other for YEARS... tonight, we're going to sit down to this article and have a real. good. laugh. and maybe exchange some 'I'm sorrys' in the process. Really, Dan. Sincerely, Thank you...ShareFlagLikeReply

MaryVuong 5ptsJun 5, 2013Dan, are you sure you're not my first husband, second longterm relationship or a chunk of my current spouse?? Excellent To-Don't list and I really appreciate your sharing it. I will pass this on to my children and my husband (who thanbkfully can only count a few of these as 'his.' Thanks.ShareFlag

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Michelle 5ptsJun 5, 2013Loved both of your posts! One more thing I love that my husband does is take me to the mall to go shopping. I know he hates to go, but he knows I love to go, so he goes with me and carries all the packages. Afterwards, when I'm all shopped out, he'll take me out to eat since I'm too tired to cook dinner and clean up afterwards. What a super guy! The other things I didn't see on your list: putting down the toilet seat and opening the car door, also very important!-Michelle from Long Beach, CAShareFlagLikeReply

Lacy 5ptsJun 4, 2013I really enjoyed reading this! I saw many of these things in my ex-boyfriends ... the difference between you and them -> they never realized they were doing any of this nor did they try to make it right (granted, I guess I could have spoke up too). While some disagree, I find that many of these are valid points! I feel as though this article is a good thing for most everyone to read. Just because you've read it, doesn't mean you have had every one of these issues. You [Dan] are so fortunate to have been able to realize these issues that most other people don't see (or care about) because they are all small things - that ultimately lead up to [usually a negative] BIG thing! In today's' world, there are so many temptations, bitter, hate, cynicism, and other things that take us away from significant people in our lives which is why I believe that everyone should read this blog. It's so easy to forget about the little things (which are the most important things) when life and family is happening. One may not know they are having any of these issues until reading your list- which would hopefully bring those problems to light and challenge them to make it right. I have not ever been married, but I would date you (only if you followed through the Do-Overs, of course). -Lacy from Battle Creek, MI

ps - I like your beard!... I say disregard what ClAustrailia says and just keep it!! :)

Lacy 5ptsJun 4, 2013I really enjoyed reading this! I saw many of these things in my ex-boyfriends ... the difference between you and them -> they never realized they were doing any of this nor did they try to make it right (granted, I guess I could have spoke up too). While some disagree, I find that many of these are valid points! I feel as though this article is a good thing for most everyone to read. Just because you've read it, doesn't mean you have had every one of these issues. You [Dan] are so fortunate to have been able to realize these issues that most other people don't see (or care about) because they are all small things - that ultimately lead up to [usually a negative] BIG thing! In today's' world, there are so many temptations, bitter, hate, cynicism, and other things that take us away from

significant people in our lives which is why I believe that everyone should read this blog. It's so easy to forget about the little things (which are the most important things) when life and family is happening. One may not know they are having any of these issues until reading your list- which would hopefully bring those problems to light and challenge them to make it right. I have not ever been married, but I would date you (only if you followed through the Do-Overs, of course).

ps - I like your beard!... I say disregard what ClAustrailia says and just keep it!! :)-Lacy from Battle Creek, MIShareFlagLikeReply

CIAustralia 5ptsJun 4, 2013Let me give you some more advice....quit with the 'might lead to sex' talk. You lost me every time you did it. I'll be gentle and say that appreciation doesn't always lead to sex. Sometimes she might show it in a gentle kiss, or a touch. Thinking that things that you could have done differently would lead to "ummm, like sex", is one of your downfalls and makes the idea a game. And all too often, it's a game that isn't appreciated as we women work out when men do something and expect to get sex in return. It becomes monotonous, boring and we will hold back and give you blue balls, lol. But apart from that, I've had a darn good chuckle at your antics in writing these. Honesty is something that is much valued in a marriage, so you're over half way there to a good hubby....now, don't take this personally, but now that you've done all this, it's time to stop hiding yourself behind that fringe and beard. Come out from under there! You have beautiful eyes and great features, stop hiding them :-)ShareFlag

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MacStiles 5ptsJun 5, 2013@CIAustralia"PPS. I know I joke about sex a lot in these posts. Get over it. Sex is one of the most important and often most dysfunctional parts of marriage. Working toward having lots of healthy sex ain’t a bad thing."If you're not a man, then you probably don't know how often sex is on the brain. Not that we do things for our wives only to get sex, but that primal urge is constant. There are plenty of ways to behave and "play the game" to get a quick fix, but the point is that we should always be wanting to make our ladies look at us with devilish eyes. That keeps the attractiveness quotient in tact and the pre-marital courtship behavior more consistent. Sex

doesn't always equal happiness, but more times than not, lack of sex = lack of happiness. Unless it's due to a religious abstinence.ShareFlag

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iolarah 5ptsJun 5, 2013@MacStiles Hey, for some women, sex is on the brain more than some men. And having had a few relationships that were lacking in it for one reason or another, I don't feel the least bit bad about saying that sex isn't the most important thing, but it's damned important. It's the glue that keeps you from just being roommates. ShareFlag

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Owlette1 5ptsJun 5, 2013@iolarah @MacStiles Truth!!!! My SO and I don't share a bedroom but you can bet that we make the intimacy a priority! I (female), for one, think about sex almost as often as I blink. I love it, he loves it.ShareFlag

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CJT 5ptsJun 7, 2013@iolarah@MacStilesI WISH I had a husband who could even joke about sex, let alone express any interest in it or initiate it. Sex is important in a relationship, and so is keeping that kind of fun, flirty, will-we-or-won't-we thing going. And you are spot on in saying that lack of sex = lack of happiness. Also lack of self-esteem, wondering if I somehow turned ugly, etc.

Keep it real, because it IS real! ShareFlag

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MsWrong 5ptsJun 5, 2013@MacStiles I'm on your side MacStiles. I am a woman who gladly admits that sex is on the brain for me A LOT! I recognize the wedges created in the working part of my relationship that destroyed the intimate part of my relationship. We are carnal creatures. I am not sure how or why some are taught to ignore or even detest this fact about themselves and others.ShareFlagLikeReply

Claire Ameele 5ptsJun 20, 2013@MacStiles Thank you!! I was married for 25 years, and for me, sex should still be as important no matter how long you're married. Sure, there are things that affect it; illness, distance, and other stuff, but the spark needs to be there. If you want to keep the fire going, you need to keep adding wood (really stupid metaphor, but it works). Do the stuff on your list, compliment her, etc., and take care of yourself. Guys always notice a girl who looks good, whatever their taste is for hot. Girls do too, so don't let yourself go. If you took the trouble to get a haircut, use mouthwash, put on a nice shirt, wash the car, etc., don't assume that stuff isn't important anymore after you become couple. Don't neglect the stuff that attracted you to each other in the first place.ShareFlagLikeReply

ucbmom 5ptsJun 6, 2013@CIAustralia I agree that everything doesn't have to lead to sex. However, I also agree with the other replies here. I think about sex all the time! After being in a long-term relationship that had very little sex, I can tell you that it's incredibly important. I think sexy thoughts about my SO all day long. I love our sexy jokes and reminiscing about sexy times, as well as creating new ones. @MacStiles The urge is there for women, too! ShareFlag

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mackenziehyer 5ptsJun 3, 2013I loved both lists! I am currently married and your lists were,great reminders of things both my husband and I can work on. Less fights and more hand holding is a much happier way to live. Thanks for saying what I've been feeling! Great job!ShareFlagLikeReply

Matt 5ptsJun 1, 2013After reading this list it has become undeniable that you lack human skills. All of these problems have nothing to do with marriage and more to do with how you should treat people on a day to day basis. Many people do not face these issues because they are not selfish assholes. Have you ever thought to yourself if maybe you were not such a selfish asshole that you would still have your wife? Creating a selfish asshole cheat sheet will do nothing. Instead focus on improving quality traits among yourself such as: selflessness, respect, bravery, honour etc. Only that will allow you to find a partner that who will want you as bad as you want them.ShareFlagLikeReply

Otaylig 5ptsJun 2, 2013@Matt Pretty sure that not being a selfish asshole meant still having his marriage is precisely the point of his post. The things he's discussing here are frequent problems in many, if not most, modern marriages. He, unlike you, had the courage to openly discuss what he feels are his personal failures in his marriages, and actually think of productive ways he could do better. He isn't perfect. He is trying to do better, which deserves respect. Sneering judgments from internet trolls do not.ShareFlag

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CJT 5pts

Jun 7, 2013@Matt After reading this post, it has become undeniable that you lack even the smallest grain of comprehension. Dan very validly pointed out that a lot of people DO change after the "I do's" are exchanged. The chase is over, but the romance that was part of the chase shouldn't be, and that's where Dan is admitting his failure, and he's certainly not alone in that.Why don't you focus on being less judgmental, less critical, and drop the name-calling...ShareFlagLikeReply

Ray 5ptsMay 30, 2013This is a really courageous and generous list. It was really painful to read, which means it's relevant and important. It was also funny at times, which means there's always hope. It's a gift to those of us who see themselves in it. And it's a warning to those of us who immediately have the impulse to hand it to our significant other! Worst. Idea. Ever. I'd read it over and over until that impulse goes away! Because using it as a "here's what's wrong with you" weapon violates like half the lessons in it! Thanks so much, Dan. We never stop growing unless we choose to.ShareFlag

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ucbmom 5ptsJun 6, 2013@Ray Actions speak louder than words! I agree - no one should hand this list to their SO and tell them to change. Because often the things we dislike about others are the things we dislike about ourselves. I think that people should take this list and improve themselves. Just making changes in how we behave will create change in others - we don't have to tell others they need to change.ShareFlagLikeReply

StillLearning 5ptsMay 30, 2013Your advice literally brought me to tears. I honestly related to almost every single one of the points you made in this list. It opened my eyes to why my relationship has been in trouble recently. Many of the things mentioned, I noticed that my partner does, or I do, or we both do. Most importantly, it made me recognize my flaws as one half of a whole. Thank you so much for this. All of these issues seem like little things at first, but when

they all build on one another, they tend to create deeper problems. Your advice has opened my eyes to what needs to be changed in my relationship. Your insights have shown me how fixable these things are. It also showed me how much I should appreciate my partner when he does things right, and vice versa. Thank you sharing this much-needed advice with the world! ShareFlagLikeReply

delidiva43 5ptsMay 29, 2013we've been married 36 years, i've forgot the importance of these small gestures. thanks for reminding me.ShareFlagLikeReply

HeatherMcVayWesenberg 5ptsMay 29, 2013Super advice, all solid ideas, Dan. Thanks so much for sharing. :)ShareFlagLikeReply

redmagiq 5ptsMay 29, 2013these are simple, but important ~ and we can each start by being the kind of spouse we want to have. how about we break it to our significant other by saying "this is what i want to have with you"? loving and being in love don't have to be mutually exclusive. it's work ~ and we are often difficult to put up with ourselves. life is too short not to have fun and be happy, and if we look right next to ourselves, we have a partner in crime just waiting. worst case scenario: start without them ~ one happier person makes the world a better place already <3

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MamaLeary 5ptsMay 29, 2013Being married almost 24 years, I know many things in your list that are so accurate. Part of the trick is if you don't know it in the beginning, you have to learn on the fly and stay committed in the process. There is never a wrong time in any relationship to be reminded that you are screwing it up, take a breath and start again. Thank you for sharing! Even

though it cost you dearly to learn these lessons, it is a blessing to others that you can share them!ShareFlagLikeReply

eileenpatterson32680 5ptsMay 29, 2013My husband and I made a couple of rules to live by. Always kiss each other good night. Take time to dance, even if it's only a few steps (my darling hates to dance and humors me). One my father gave me was when I was angry with my husband and told my dad about it. I tend to hold anger for a long time and blow later, totally disproportionate to the issue. He said quite simply "You have a right to be angry. Now let it go. He didn't mean to make you mad. He thought he was doing the right thing. Now forgive him and move on." That was a hard lesson to learn but I did.....It's very important to value the other person's work and contributions regardless of dollar valuation. I bring in more dollars but his work and knowledge far outweigh mine.....at least I think so, and that's what counts. I love your list. All good advice. Thank you.ShareFlagLikeReply

Joce 5ptsMay 29, 2013How do you tell your husband to notice that he's doing some of these things?ShareFlagLikeReply

MamaLeary 5ptsMay 29, 2013@Joce Print this and put it in his place at the dinner table... :)ShareFlagLikeReply

abgs 5ptsMay 29, 2013@Joce I know. I often tell him to let me know what he needs, to let me know where I can work to improve our relationship/how I treat him, but any time I say (which I've started to hold back on and just try to be a good partner and more or less try not to let him affect

me), "This is how I'm feeling, or this is what I need," he goes into a seemingly feigned exhaustion: starts off with a sigh, turns away, often goes to bed or goes out for a smoke. I don't want to hound him. I just want my needs met, too. What's a good way to bring these things up with him in a way he'll hear? And that's not demeaning/that doesn't bring him down?ShareFlagLikeReply

Ray 5ptsMay 30, 2013@abgs Imposing this on one's partner would violate like half the lessons right there. I think the value is in taking ownership and responsibility for learning these lessons, many of which rightly suggest positive change in one's partner are likely to follow, too. But stop and think for a second how it would feel to have him hand a list like this to YOU! I'd read it again. Then again. And then if needed, you could bring it up in TERMS OF YOURSELF ONLY and maybe he'd quietly pick up on a few items for himself. But saying "this is you"? Recipe for total disaster.ShareFlag

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A Wat 5ptsJun 13, 2013@abgs "Try not to let him affect me"...ignore the advice of the other response here. If you're trying to live your life so that your partner no longer affects you -- and it sounds like his responses to your feelings are driving that -- then that's trouble.

Withdrawing is the trouble. (THAT'S the lesson of half the lessons right here, Ray.) If the way your partner is reacting to your feelings is causing you to want to withdraw, there's something wrong there. And if instead of trying to withdraw, you actually reach out and try to express yourself and then HE withdraws...then there's something wrong on both sides.

I recommend couple's counseling with a good counselor who "gets" both of you. It sounds like he's unlikely to go, but if he won't, you can go on your own and bring the lessons you can glean from it back into your marriage.

It's not "imposing on one's partner" to need open communication between both partners. You guys are a team. If you'd like to offer these lists as a way to start the communication you're looking for, it's no more difficult than saying "honey, I found this list, and I think it really articulates what I'd like our marriage to be like. Can we work together on these things as a team?"

And it's no imposition to expect both partners to do the work.ShareFlagLikeReply

Bluebanana 5ptsMay 29, 2013I think everyone that wants or is in a relationship should read these, male and female. I found myself nodding my head in agreement with many of these!! As simple as they are, they are often forgotten and this is a great reminder! Thank you for taking the time to post these for the world to read. ShareFlagLikeReply

Trish Hanlon 5ptsMay 29, 2013I would date you. You have gained a lot of insight, and you seem like an all round decent guy. I have never been married, but I have lived with four guys, and am contemplating the fifth, which is a little scary, but he is lovely, and after two and a half years, we seem to be remembering the important things, sex, outings, praise, food, and talking, and are willing to give it a try. An added bonus, possibly, is that his housemate is a friend of mine, stretching back thirty years, so she will keep us both honest, I hope.ShareFlagLikeReply

Mimi 5ptsMay 29, 2013I could say so many things, comment on each point from the first 16 to now the 15, but at the end I just want to say that I admire to find someone that is so humble to share all these with the world, people you don't know and people you DO know. You must really love your sister to do this for her. Thank you for sharing and for also saying what you would do, and the bonus on each point. This may be liked by so many people because marriage relationship is not all the time easy. I see on facebook how people like to show the things they have and brag about their spouses... it all seems so perfect, that they never have any disagreements, that it makes u think you are weird or unlucky for having them sometimes. Well guess what?? We all do, but not everyone says it. So thank you for sharing what others don't. We all can learn tons from this and realize that, if it happens to others, maybe it is not such a big deal, and we just need to work of women and men differences to coexist and progress together. We never finish learning. The hope is that we never give up. Thanks again!!ShareFlag

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Wrensong 5ptsMay 29, 2013I think that your insights demonstrate that you have learned, the hard way, from your marital experiences. Therefore, you gifted your sister with the most vulnerable and heartfelt advice of all! From the pain of your divorces, the shame, sense of rejection, failure, and all that goes with it, you have reflected and gifts her and us. The difficulty now will be to change those old behaviours and automatic reactions....NOT easy. If I may, I'd like to recommend two books that I have found life changing. "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, and "THe Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. If you are ready and willing to dig in and do the work, these will guide you. Good luck! P.S. I doubt you'll struggle with the dates :) Renee

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ken hodo 5ptsMay 29, 2013you are dead on with this list.... and this is better than marriage advice!ShareFlagLikeReply

sarah 5ptsMay 29, 2013My mind is blown. I would definitely consider this marriage advice. Your sister is actually lucky she has someone with experience to learn from. I feel like I learned a few things too. Sadly, my husband and I are both guilty of more than a few of these things, and I thank you for bringing it to our attention. ShareFlagLikeReply

yup 5ptsMay 28, 2013great post man! i have been known to do several of the things on this list...recognition is the first step, now comes the change! i hope lot of people, especially dudes read this and take something from it.ShareFlagLikeReply

Judy 5ptsMay 28, 2013Never get a date.... are you kidding?....I was in tears...I wish I could give this to my husband..sadly, we have drifted apart. Because of much of the same that you have written about. I wish you all good things in life, and especially a wonderful new partner...may you always remember your lessons learned and Thanks for helping others.....hmmm....now where to print this and leave it for someone to find on their own. :DShareFlagLikeReply

Katie45 5ptsMay 28, 2013I will be sending the list to my husband. I guess it won't hurt to try...and it was insightful to see the things I'm doing as well. There is no wisdom as good as hindsight :DShareFlagLikeReply

Ray 5ptsMay 30, 2013@Katie45Imposing this on one's partner would violate like half the lessons right there. I think the value is in taking ownership and responsibility for learning these lessons, many of which rightly suggest positive change in one's partner are likely to follow, too. But stop and think for a second how it would feel to have him hand a list like this to YOU! I'd read it again. Then again. And then if needed, you could bring it up in TERMS OF YOURSELF ONLY and maybe he'd quietly pick up on a few items for himself. But saying "this is you"? Recipe for total disaster.ShareFlagLikeReply

Katie45 5ptsMay 28, 2013I'm living a great portion of these lists as we speak. Been with my husband 25 and 1/2 years and now all I fantasize about is living alone. I have had the "attention" fight numerous times over the last 5 yrs it has escalated to the point where he comes home sits in front of the tv till he goes to bed and sits in front of his nook or phone till he rolls over and manhandles me.. of course just as Im falling asleep. There is never any touching other than hyper sexual groping. I find myself avoiding contact of any kind but feeling lonely constantly. Don't get me wrong I have ALWAYS had a very strong libido.. Just

would be nice to be kissed on the neck occasionally too. My 20th anniversary my husband refused to spring for a cab in vegas since the bus "runs right by the casino" I told him 3 times I wasn't riding a bus on my 20th anniversary.. I gave in after being hounded non stop for 20 mins as I was getting dressed.. and trying to look beautiful for him. He then bought a bottle of champagne I didnt want for 135 dollars... because it was "his anniversary" He drank this alone. We spent the entire night really not speaking. He didn't even buy flowers... or a ring.. or a bracelet.. or even a card.... I had a sexy night planned.. which I really wasn't feeling once we got back to the hotel. I don't know how to get through to this guy. I am ready to walk. TELL ME WHAT TO SAY TO GET THROUGH TO HIM. The thought of giving up on a marriage to a man Ive been with since I was 20 yrs old makes me heartsick, but I am tired of being nothing more than a bed warmer.. who can really never do anything right. :(ShareFlagLikeReply

thinkthinkthink 5ptsMay 28, 2013Your list can be applied to us wives as well. I saw myself in more than one of your suggestions. Thank you for the reminder of how blessed I am to have the husband I have and now I hope to appreciate him more and take him for granted less.

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jen1984t 5ptsMay 28, 2013I found both of your posts to hit very close to home. I was in a common law relationship, and we had been together for ten years (since we were just 17). We traveled together, we went to university together, we were best friends....and people were jealous of how in sync we could be. Things between us ended last year. We both knew things had disintegrated, although it was hard to pin point where. Our friends and family took our break up harder then we did, and frankly, most of them thought it was a temporary lapse. Although I thought we could work things out, he did not, and reading this post was like reliving a time where we chipped away at something we both cherished until there was nothing left of it. How sad. I think I will send him these posts.

I would add: DON'T RELY ON COWORKERS FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. It is a slippery slope really, it is often inappropriate, and it takes away from the need to fess up to what is really bothering you to your significant other.Bonus: Honesty might lead to this list not needing 31 do over points. Everyone wins :)ShareFlagLikeReply

JenniferGreen1 5ptsMay 28, 2013This was wonderful I'm so glad I came across it on Facebook. I read it from 2 perspectives as a divorcee and as a person who has found my soul's mate. I couldn't help but read so many things that went wrong in my first marriage. My ex husband and I are still friends and we co-parent our son in a way that makes me proud and happy. Even though my ex and I were compatible in a lot of ways I married him knowing he was not the right man for me. We still stayed together for almost 11 years and we tried to make it work and we both changed for the better time and time again but in the end it wasn't enough. Maybe if we had this list visible every day as a reminder? When I see him there are times that I still feel connected with him and I sometimes think sadly, how it's to bad we didn't make it. I read this list with tears in my eyes and my heart in my throat knowing that all of the listed contributed to our demise. The twist to all of this is I'm with the most compatible man I could ever find. I can say with faith and true belief that he feels the same about me. We are perfect together and we make most of our friends and strangers sick at how much we love and enjoy each other. As I read the list I compared it to my soon to be 2nd husband and realized even with the "perfect" partner we have slipped into some of these same mistakes. I will share this with him knowing he will be open to make things better before a do over is needed. I think I might share it with my ex husband too. I will share this with my friends male and female because it's a two way street. Yes this list was written from a man's perspective but as a woman I can say I have made these same mistakes. It is just as much our responsibility to realize these things are happening and then communicate to our love in way that is not accusing, demanding or dominating. Thank you for writing this Dan Pearce btw my mother's maiden name is Pearce.

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motiva8in 5ptsMay 28, 2013This is Great Marriage advices! I think every one should read this before the wedding and reread it several time as time goes by, I have been married for 29 yrs. and have felt,done,been treated like many of these , along the way, what helped me was seeing the "if I could have a do-over" because sometimes we get stuck in a pattern that isn't "that bad" we think, but don't work on changing it, we may think "oh shit" I did/said it again.I used to wonder what people did when you hear them say " we have a great Marriage" it's kinda of confusing to a lot of people, how do I do that? especially during a not so good time in yous. people should say " We MADE our Marriage Great" because it doesn't just happen! and newly married couples need to know that. With so many people coming from Divorced families [kids of divorce] its harder to know what a Good Marriage looks like. In a roundabout way this is some Great Advice.

If you think of any more I hope you will post them. this has made me what to make the next 30+ years of my marriage better than the last. thank you for sharing.ShareFlagLikeReply

learningeveryday 5ptsMay 27, 2013# 31 conflicts with many of your other posts; not to suggest any of the posts are inaccurate. I believe some gender roles are appropriate, such as knight in shining armor killing spiders. But today everyone should know how to put the spare tire on their car. Also most couples today both work, and home chores should be shared of course.All your posts are applicable to both sides of the relationship. This is not just a list to contemplate for guys. Marriage and relationships take work from both sides and yes it's easy to become complacent. Yes sex is of great important in any relationship. But you've heard "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Too much absence is bad but a little is a bit of spice!A dozen roses? How about a dozen strips of bacon? Your list is applicable to everyone! Wife or Husband; Common law; Same sex or hetero. Keep remembering when you were dating and try to keep that feeling all along! Just a comment about the fart holding.....my wife farted while we were dating! I was napping with my head on her lap (She denies this of course!). It was disgusting and funny all at once! We are together many years later. When you love someone you love everything! Even natural occurrences. After all you plan to grow old together. Also, I don't care who you are; FARTS ARE FUNNY!ShareFlagLikeReply

Julie 5ptsMay 26, 2013#22 is a biggie for me. It seems like the only time he touches me is when he wants sex. Is that all I'm good for?ShareFlagLikeReply

Dynamentope 5ptsMay 26, 2013DON’T TOUCH HER ONLY WHEN YOU WANT SEX. DON’T THINK YOU’RE SMARTER THAN SHE IS.DON’T BUY INTO YOUR GRANDPARENTS’ GENDER ROLES.Thanks....All these really hit home with me.

I would sweat all night wearing even a T-shirt for fear that he'd come in and start manhandling me in the middle of the night. I never got romantic touches...only those that meant he wanted something...and if I didn't? He'd keep at it, trying to "convince" me.He also made a point of making me feel like I never had a right to question him...maybe because he thought he was smarter, maybe because he thought I had no right to question him because he was "THE MAN".My ex was the epitome of living in the 1920's. He wanted a "good wife" and not a partner. He then took that even farther and made it known that he was doing 'his part' by "bringing home the bacon" and that EVERYTHING else was my job. Even when I was working full-time.Frankly, I couldn't live up to the martyr that his mother was when he was growing up. I see how miserable she still is and have zero envy. She'll never admit it, though. It's her DUTY to provide to her husbands 'manly NEEDS', even though it's only been 1 week since her hysterectomy.ShareFlagLikeReply

AbbyHatch 5ptsMay 26, 2013Beautiful. And I suspect you won't have any trouble getting dates. In fact, I was thinking about proposing... ;)ShareFlag

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AmyNicoleJensen 5ptsMay 26, 2013So this has been very insightful but I am left with a depressing thought and a question that needs answering. I'm a know-it-all... I already know I'm a know-it-all... but how do I stop??? I already fight my every impulse to correct people, but all that does is make me internally pat my own back for not mentioning the mistakes. You wrote that know-it-alls end up alone and that scares me immensely, and even scarier is that I don't know how to fix this character flaw...ironic?ShareFlag

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SHARTango 5pts

May 28, 2013@AmyNicoleJensen You know, I do not think the internal pat on the back is such a bad thing. I try to reserve my corrections for really important issues and television trivia. ;)ShareFlagLikeReply

PaulaMcInaney 5ptsMay 25, 2013In tears..awesome insights. Why is it that hindsight is usually 20/20?ShareFlag

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JudyWebster 5ptsMay 25, 2013Awesome posts! To tell you the truth, I think you hit it all on the head, and it's awesome to know that at least one man actually gets it, thinks about his part in the difficulties in marriage and is willing to do his part to make it better. You have been very insightful, transparent and honest. We ladies need to take the same advice....it's not just men who mess up their marriages. I can only think you'll get more dates now that you know how to respect your partner and you actually do the things you talk about. God richly bless you... (((hugs)))ShareFlagLikeReply

trying 5ptsMay 25, 2013You are exactly right about the family thing. My family was never very close but his is. I envied that and thought it was wonderful at first. I viewed my family dynamic as 'bad' and so of course, the opposite must be 'good' - right? We did everything with his family...holidays, vacations, anything and everything. All along I had this nagging feeling like I never felt we were doing things together. Instead, he was doing stuff with his family and I was just there (cooking, serving, cleaning and single handedly caring for the kids of course). He was so good to his family which at first I found attractive because I thought that would extend to our own family but it never did. He often 'was there' for his family at the expense of our own. Although they always speak of their closeness, I found that they really never communicate in a meaningful way. They cover up family issues (serious ones like alcoholism) by just ignoring them. They frequently criticized one another and me. It was done in such a passive aggressive away that it was so confusing.

It's not something I could ever so plainly put my finger on because I felt guilty and wrong for thinking it. Well all these years later I realize that we don't know how to be together (just us) and that we have a tremendous communication problem...I want to deal with things right away and he likes to pretend they don't exist. Neither is right or wrong. We just have styles that are so far apart that I don't know if we can meet in the middle. In addition, I have become so resentful of his family that I wouldn't be unhappy if I never saw them again. I've spent 2 years in therapy trying to adjust myself. We have 2 kids so I believe it's important to do everything I can. I learned lots of lessons. One important thing I learned along the way is an appreciation for my own family. I am grateful for that. It was a loud, angry house I grew up in but at least it was all out there. Silence can be more troubling and painful.ShareFlagLikeReply

cynthia l 5ptsMay 25, 2013i like these perhaps even better than the first 16! and your pps is right on the money. thank youShareFlagLikeReply

Kazerus 5ptsMay 24, 2013After 35 years of marriage to the same person, may I offer some perspective?

"there is nothing new under the sun", "nothing has happened to you except that which is common to man"...

There; Biblical basis of why your post has gone viral! (giggle)

What has happened in your life has happened to humans for as long as there have been humans in relationships! The difference, of course, is how individuals handle the situations. But most of us would prefer to NOT handle them, let alone admit them! Your post allows us to see that we are not alone in our struggles, and it makes it easier to admit our failures are similar to yours.

Thank you! Although I am one of the "fortunate ones" who is married to a man who does most of this correctly, and with apparent ease (my spouse is therefore the author of our marital success), I have seen in your writings several of MY failures towards him. (You are good, aren't you!)

Now, to learn from your mistakes and make the NEXT 35 years of our marriage even

better! Thank you.

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Thore 5ptsMay 24, 2013I love this! My wife and I, unfortunately, are guilty of more than half of them. We both went through the list. Sometimes we would laugh at your mistakes and other times we would quietly nod our heads and look at one another.

Our marriage was doomed for failure right out of the gates; She was a single mom of an only-child teenage daughter that had no father, 6 months later she became pregnant with our 1st, we got married for insurance reasons, a year later having 3rd child on top of new business ownership. It's been around 5 years now and we've barely started dating. Our marriage has taken a beating along the way, but we're still together. Your list is a real eye opener and it may help our marriage become a little stronger.ShareFlagLikeReply

ValerieMichelleNagle 5ptsMay 24, 2013I have a lot of these that I am going to work on. We aren't struggling in our marriage, but hopefully adapting some of these tips will make it so we never will. I do too many of them and I can tell that they bring stress to the relationship.ShareFlagLikeReply

momof3 5ptsMay 24, 2013thank you for you honesty - helps me too!ShareFlagLikeReply

Gabby Winfield 5ptsMay 24, 2013

The saying "you learn from your mistakes" doesn't always apply to everyone. Sometimes it takes making the same mistake multiple times to really get it, I can tell through your writing how truly you get it now, better late then never. You have changed so many people's lives just by sharing your very human mistakes, thank you for that. My husband is guilty of a few things on this list as am I (probably even more guilty), anyone would be lying if they said they have never done any of the things you have listed. It takes a very strong person to be so truthful as you have, THANK YOU for the advice I didn't even know I was seeking..... ShareFlagLikeReply

RachelStremlow 5ptsMay 24, 2013Thank you! I have been with my husband for 17years and everything I have been struggling with in the past 3 years are listed here! It gives me a lot to think about and fix!ShareFlagLikeReply

Nancy Berger 5ptsMay 24, 2013Thank you for airing your dirty laundry. The reason I think this has gone so viral- because we can all see ourselves and our relationships in your list. Everyone has done at least some of these things- if not all, regrettably and reading about them brings to life that we can all improve as human beings and especially as spouses. Thank you for sharing these, they've really helped my marriage. ShareFlagLikeReply

Loren 5ptsMay 24, 2013Thank you. Seriously. I see a lot of myself in these, and I know now that I need to make some changes. ShareFlagLikeReply

Jay Argentina 5ptsMay 24, 2013It is funny I saw a lot of myself in the first one, but saw more of my ex in this one.. though I saw enough of myself to hang my head in shame :(

The know it all one really got me. My ex accused me of being a know it all and would go out of her way to prove me wrong as often as possible.. Then be upset when she found out I was right.

Only advice I didn't read is.. If she dreams about you cheating and you have to go buy flowers and card to make her feel better after her holding it against you for two weeks.. . run.balance in communication 5ptsMay 24, 2013@30. Sometimes my wife would keep important things in. Or secretly resent me for a misunderstanding. I would drag these out of her because I knew it's important to communicate. I give you that it is not always important to hear everything, but sometimes it does need to get out and be dealt with.ShareFlagLikeReply

balance in communication 5ptsMay 24, 2013@30. Sometimes my wife would keep important things in. Or secretly resent me for a misunderstanding. I would drag these of her because I knew it's important to communicate. I give you that it is not always important to hear everything, but sometimes it does need to get out and be dealt with.ShareFlagLikeReply

just a girl 5ptsMay 24, 2013I really liked both of your posts! I am not married, never been married. But all of this advice could be applied to relationships in general. And it goes both ways, so I am definitely going to take this advice as a woman! Thanks for your honesty and straight forward opinions. ShareFlagLikeReply

also divorced 5ptsMay 24, 2013

I am truly impressed with your admissions. I think that all of the things you mentioned are important for both men and women to take to heart. I believe that you will find new love, and that whomever it is will be better off than the previous two. Thank you for postingShareFlagLikeReply

mia 5ptsMay 23, 2013People like this because you are honest, and who are we kidding, divorced people have learned a hell of a lot. I think it's also refreshing to hear one say what their part was in the down fall. Normally people juts point the finger, which you didn't do once here. It shows maturity and hey, most of us want the space to learn from our mistakes and give it another try. I did think that your honesty would leave you single (unless she is a really wise woman). I think you and I have the same personality flaws, so my husband gets some of this, but not as much as my first husband did and I am quick to apologize for them (see, lesson learned). One word of caution: be sure that the next woman is recognized for her preferences. Maybe one didn't like the bathroom thing, but I am one who likes the comfort level of it. After all, we both live here and no one wants to perform in their own home. So I'd probably say avoid stinkin up the house, but if she likes to talk while she pees or showers or whatever, oblige her. Yeah, I don't want to look my best all the time or never fart in front of him... I'm at home and deserve to relax and let my hair down (or take it off) jk. ShareFlagLikeReply

Srene 5ptsMay 23, 2013It seems a lot of this comes down to ...don't take each other for granted. Goodness gracious if you did all these things....you would be super hubby! I loved this blog..and will be sharing it. ShareFlagLikeReply

Muddart 5ptsMay 23, 2013Whoops, posted it before I was done. Just wanted to say from a female perspective many of these apply to us as well, and we should take them to heart for ourselves, and not just

think about our husband or significant other. One that I would add (which may be a mistake that women make more often) is "don't use sex to manipulate your spouse." That wasn't a mistake I personally made or experienced, but I've had friends whose wives pulled that, and it really damaged the relationship. Keep sex as an expression of intimacy and enjoyment of one another. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER use as a leveraging tool. Of course, there may be times when emotional issues in the relationship need to be addressed to improve sex life. Not talking about that, but I am talking about using sex to get your way. ShareFlagLikeReply

Muddart 5ptsMay 23, 2013Thanks! Sounds like you learned some valuable lessons. ShareFlagLikeReply

Alexa McCombs 5ptsMay 23, 2013Though I have yet to be married, I have been in a relationship for going on two years and I have to say that reading your lists totally opened my eyes to a lot of destructive things I do in my own relationship all the time. Like, all the time. I don't know how my boyfriend puts up with me. With things getting more serious between us, I am so thankful to have had this list to put the squabbles, the annoying habits, and the sweet gestures into perspective. One of the things I struggle with most is to get out of the "How does it affect ME?" mentality, and more into the "How does it affect him?", and your lists are awesome examples of how to do just that! So thanks :) ShareFlagLikeReply

stubborngemini 5ptsMay 23, 2013You don't ever have to worry about getting a date again! Any man who realizes how he screwed up (let alone writes it down and posts it for the world to see) and decides to implement real change will have women crawling all over him. Thanks for sharing!ShareFlagLikeReply

Kim Douglass 5ptsMay 23, 2013Dan, I just want to say that you are spot on. I know I'm a total stranger, and my opinion is borderline worthless. But I think the reason people are going so crazy over this is because of your willingness to get emotionally naked in front of the world and admit that you could do better. This degree of honesty and self reflection is mostly absent in our culture. The willingness to admit fault is painful. I can't imagine how painful it is for you. Don't be ashamed at "failing" two marriages. Marriage is freaking hard. I will tell you that I have been married for 9 years to a man who does all of the things on your list and more. It took us a couple of pretty bad years to figure it out, but we both treat each other the way you are suggesting married people should. He jokingly tells people that his goal is to ruin me for all other men. To make me so spoiled and loved that no other guy could ever compare or compete. It's a pretty solid tactic. He is also totally willing to lay the smack down on me when I need it, and he is not the kind of man you can walk all over or manipulate. I just cross my fingers and hope that he dies at a very old age. You are also right about the sex. I'm pretty sure our neighbors hate us. =)ShareFlagLikeReply

scarlet1221 5ptsMay 23, 2013A wonderful list and a definite share. Why? Because not only do you realise what you did to blow things, you realised what you should've done and what you WILL do in the future. That's pretty much an epiphany most of us never have. ShareFlagLikeReply

KatieK 5ptsMay 23, 2013Dan, Thank you for sharing this! Really, the basic concepts are excellent for both parties of the relationship to remember. I'm guilty of a few of these myself, some I see both my husband and I in, and a few that haven't applied at all in our 11 years.Sharing your introspection, you're inspiring many others <3 Who knows, maybe a few marriages will be salvaged! Thank you :-) ShareFlagLikeReply

AmandaMacEwen 5ptsMay 23, 2013What a fantastic read both articles made perfect sense to me. Being a full time stay at home mom of 3 in a relationship and now married for 13yrs. I see so many things in this that we both do & many we dont do. It is very useful. I even teared up a few times on things that are very meaningful in our relationship. Thank you for writing this its opened the mind for many women & men!! Now as they say take your own advice and use it :)ShareFlagLikeReply

Terri 5ptsMay 23, 2013Dan -I can tell you why so many people connect with your list...because it's so brutally, painfully true! There but for the grace of God go I, or anyone of us... I'm blown away by your honesty, introspection, and vulnerability that very few people would have the courage to admit. You went there, and I applaude you for that because you've helped so many others see ourselves and our own mistakes we've made. I've printed a copy of all 31 and plan on sharing it with my teenage kids once they're in a relationship, esp. my 19-year-old son who suffers terribly from #27's affliction - the need to be right and the smartest one in the room. I also re-posted it on fb for friends/family to read. Thanks for sharing!ShareFlag

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SwimmerDad65 5ptsMay 23, 2013I am on marriage #2 currently and see 31/31 reasons for my 1st ending the way it did. I'm printing your list and hanging it on the wall next to my desk. It's too easy and too painful to get lazy. Great good luck in the future. As for the "i'll probably never get a date." I doubt that...millions of ladies around the globe know that you "get it." Best wishes brother. ShareFlagLikeReply

trashycathy 5ptsMay 23, 2013It was shocking to see every problem I have with my husband in your post. Makes me feel kinda better that we're not doing so well.ShareFlagLikeReply

Radiostudy 5ptsMay 23, 2013Hi Dan, well written! Are you still offering the pdf? I can't access the download.Blessings!AnneShareFlagLikeReply

DeButterfly 5ptsMay 23, 2013Ummm, like WOW! As in THANK YOU for being so inspiringly courageous. I have never in all my years read such a humble, stripped-of-ego, honest reflection from a male mind. What is alarmingly sad however, is that the "issues" and "problems" you've so graciously identified are systemic of a wretched mind-set that is shredding the hearts of women all over the planet -- at a much faster rate than they can be healed. If you'll allow me to be just as honest, what you've described is common. But what you've described is abuse. It is one thing for a woman to try and describe this ... it is quite another for a man to do so. I can only dream of the day that somehow, every man on the planet will be able to "own" and "come clean with" their stuff in the humble manner that you have just done. You have paved the way for a new level of male honesty, which is another word for COURAGE. THAT is attractive. As the grateful wife of a rare kind of man who courageously made these changes -- we're talking, not just wishful thinking do-overs, but real-life reversals -- I can only affirm to you and every other man reading this -- that IT. IS. WORTH. IT. ShareFlagLikeReply

DeButterfly 5ptsMay 23, 2013Oh, and 22.5 years and counting! :)ShareFlagLikeReply

RebekahJHarvey 5ptsMay 23, 2013I would add a couple. #1 Don't show negative emotions physically, only positive ones. Don't move her, push her etc while arguing. Don't throw objects, don't punch holes in walls, don't flick things, don't stomp, don't stand in the way etc. INSTEAD, say, 'I don't want to argue," then GENTLY hug her or walk away. #2 Chill out when it comes to alcohol &/or drugs. "Self medicatting is not a good thing. #3 Don't try to make her jealous. #4 If you get caught staring at another woman, complement your gal. She catches you, you smile & say,, "Sorry, You are so much prettier than her.. " & kiss her on the cheek. Or use a compliment that she knows is true... Or, ignore what happened, set yourself a reminder on your phone +alarm or calendar) for later on (an hour, a day later, whatever). When the reminder goes off, look deeply into her eyes & give her an honest compliment. You always should make a point to tell her verbally, that she is physically beautiful in whatever way(s) she is! ShareFlag

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Joe 5ptsMay 23, 2013I saw me in all but two I think and somehow I'm still married to my first wife. Probably won't be long if I don't embrace the wisdom in what you've shared. Must be a lot more of us out there and that probably explains the popularity of your post - and the divorce rate. Thank you! My wife sent these to me by the way. She is smarter than me.ShareFlagLikeReply

WhoopThereItIs 5ptsMay 23, 2013Thank you so much for posting this. There were so many that were absolutely spot on for myself and my husband. Separation of our families would have really decreased a TON of drama and definitely allowed us to create beautiful, new family traditions rather than worrying about making everyone else happy. Our holidays would have been way more relaxed. Romancing a woman begins at sunrise and doesn't end until sundown. The same is true for men. My husband used to participate in so many thoughtful gestures while he was courting me. Once married, it all kinda went out the window, leaving me resentful. A great marriage only works well as long as both people are putting 100% into it. I often hear people brag about the number of years they were married and find myself wondering, "How many of those years were truly happy, though?"

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jkrchic 5ptsMay 23, 2013I loved every word, and some of them were reversed for our marriage. Ours is definitely over, but if and when I go for husband number 2, ( I was his number 3) I will read this all the while we date, and subtly bring in parts of it. It's nice to see a man with open eyes and an open heart, and to have mine open as well, I ain't no angel. Thank you for this Dan, I will use it as my worry stone from now on.ShareFlagLikeReply

Fionna_the_Human 5ptsMay 22, 2013A lot of these are really great pieces of advise (and Dan, though these were "don't do's" rather than "do do's" (snicker), people need that too. Some of these wouldn't really apply to me and my relationship, like the "don't make her do gross things" <<(cause if that's not buying into your grandparents gender stereotypes, I don't know what is) and the bringing of flowers and the going out and doing things every other weekend. Hubs and I don't live separate lives, but we're both pretty independent. (I hate it when people hold open doors for me. My arms are not broken!) And we're great at communicating. We've never had a blow out fight simply because we TALK to each other. And when we talk, we don't jump to conclusions or fire accusations at each other. We say what we feel, why we think we feel it, and what can be done to make it better (or keep it good, as the case may be). It boils down to communication and expectations.Anyway, sounds like you've got yourself a pretty good to-do list! Hope your next marriage is a successful one!

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centurian 5ptsMay 22, 2013One thing that you say at the beginning of the post that most people don't think of is the fact that you look for someone just like your ex. If things don't work out with someone you are dating, it is not always the relationship but manytimes your choice of who to persue. If a woman is always looking for a cut guy and then she gets annoyed because he never spends time with her because he is always at the gym, chances are another cut guy will cause the same problems. If a guy is attracted to the Model type, but is so jealous he cant handle her talking to other people, he should not go for the Model type next time.

My current wife is SOOOO different from my first wife and it is the best relationship I have ever had in my 47 years of dealing with the opposite sex!.ShareFlagLikeReply

HollySprouse 5ptsMay 22, 2013Loved this list, sending to my husband. Actually made me cry a little. Thanks for sharingShareFlagLikeReply

Owlette1 5ptsMay 21, 2013Dan, All - yes, YOUI am the female equivalent of you, Dan. I'm embarrassed and well.... will now take a better look at myself. I, too, am divorced twice, in my mid 30's and haven't figured out how to get on without sabotaging my relationships - whether intimate relationship or platonic. 19, 22, and 27 all are applicable to ME. ME, dear god. SOOOOO, as I sit here, at my office, finishing up daily tasks and this message, I'm left thinking "am I that good of a partner? What do I bring to the relationship(s) and how can I improve? Do I WANT to improve? (yes I do)". As many have stated - thank you for your honesty and bluntness!

Respectfully, The Alaskan MomShareFlagLikeReply

AleJ 5ptsMay 18, 2013I've been in an amazing marriage for 10 years and I found these extremely appropriate even for those in a great marriage. There are always things that can be worked on, changed for the better. Some of these things I see that I need to be better about toward my husband. I'm sharing this with him and hope he'll gain some insight too. :) Thank you for putting it all out there! Your future other half is a lucky girl!ShareFlagLikeReply

CuriosityKldThJournalist 5ptsMay 17, 2013

so THATS why I get the heebie jeebies when he touches me. go figure!ShareFlagLikeReply

redmagiq 5ptsMay 17, 2013thank you ~ these were honest, and true, and brave, and unbelievably generous of you. i think your next wife will be a very lucky woman. ShareFlagLikeReply

bethdupuis 5ptsMay 16, 2013Dan,I appreciate all of this as a newly married woman. It works both ways. Thanks, Darlin!ShareFlagLikeReply

Mike B 5ptsMay 16, 2013Great stuff Dan! My GF posted the original article which led me to this one. I got married in my early 20s and was divorced by 28 and can certainly say I've made almost all of these mistakes even while ACTIVELY TRYING to avoid some. I guess it just takes a lot of knowing yourself and human nature. This has been a great reminder of the things I need to keep in mind in order to remain the great partner I want to be every day.

And don't forget there is often true strength in vulnerability. Vulnerability is authenticity and people can feel it from within. It's a very attractive trait and likely one major reason your advice has gone so far. ShareFlagLikeReply

20andCounting 5ptsMay 16, 2013Dan,You give me hope for humanity! Hubby and I are coming upon our 20th wedding anniversary this year and we've been guilty of many of these transgressions. I'm so proud of you for recognizing the need to share these, the treasure you've shared with not only your sister, but the whole world, as well. I am printing these out and hubby and I will take time to look them over again. We laughed and cried along with what you wrote,

realizing some of the silly things we've done (and/or are doing) and how they damage a great relationship. I hope that you find (if you're looking) a lucky lady who'll compliment you in all areas of your life, through weaknesses and strengths, good times and bad. Kudos to you for a WONDERFUL post! God bless!20andCountingShareFlagLikeReply

WitcheyWoman 5ptsMay 16, 2013This was the best thing I've read all day. Everything, absolutely everything was spot on. It's amazing how once the marriage begins the romantic and polite gestures stop. Traditional gender roles are slipped into, and many times resentment builds, eating away and making one forget why they fell in love with a person in the first place. The feelings are lost, the love dies. I'm printing this list of advice up because even though it's common sense, it's also so easy to forget or say, "next time I'll do it." Half of the things listed were things I failed at, and the rest could be transferred as to how a woman could do things differently for him: Instead of flowers for no reason, the wife could buy her husband something for no reason, like baseball tickets, a tech gadget, a massage, etc. ShareFlagLikeReply

Kathy 5ptsMay 15, 2013Let me start by saying I am a divorcee after 28 yrs. in. I've been in a "perfect fit" relationship these last 5 yrs. My suggestion to you would be to reverse your list from the negative titles to positive titles. You will be amazed at how this will turn your views around. Good luck and know that there is always someone who is a "perfect fit" for you too.ShareFlagLikeReply

IAmElectroCute 5ptsMay 15, 2013Thank you. Very much!ShareFlagLikeReply

KatherineDevine 5ptsMay 14, 2013

I also have two unsuccessful marriages behind me, if staying married is the goal. But i also learned a lot ,too, and feel at peace,and that is a kind of success, too. My most current ex- husband has never ever admitted he did any thing wrong. Ever. I will substitute this post for that long awaited apology and continue to move on! Thanks for sharing and i bet you get LOTS of dates!ShareFlagLikeReply

evans2935 5ptsMay 13, 2013Beautiful words friend. Hope love is right around the corner for you :o)

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AmyCraig 5ptsMay 13, 2013This is awesome! very few guys are able to sit down and realize ( especially to put down even a rough draft of your list ) the things that need to change.. You will find your third marriage and you sound like you will be ready this time.. thanks for the insight !ShareFlagLikeReply

FeliceBurns 5ptsMay 13, 2013Just a thought - some gifts are even better than flowers- it takes knowing your partners likes and dislikes- but I'd rather have a copy of one of the books from The Fairy Tale Series ( one of the publishing houses was TOR...) http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/bookstore/windlingseries.html http://us.macmillan.com/series/FairyTales#books-series - or a "new" ( new to my collection - not newly released or unused) cookbooks than cut flowers that are about to die in days or a week. Other people will have other things that they enjoy It is really worth the time and effort to get to really know your partners changing interests and desires- a used copy of one of these books form Amazon is less expensive than flowers, lasts longer, and will make me much happier than flowers- and when buying flowers- potted flowers like tulips that will come back year after year are less expensive than roses, and will also make me happier than roses would have. Now, every time they re-bloom it is like you gave me flowers all over again. so- know thy partner.

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bucketree 5ptsMay 12, 2013thanks a lot for this I am reading it sitting in New Zealand, my friend posted it on facebook. I have never been married but would love to with the right guy one day. However watching my friends marriage fail recently after so long and not really thinking they had any problems was a bit of a shocker. So this has really helped me to understand a bit more from a guys point of view. The passive aggressive one helped me understand someone I was involved with recently too. Hard one to pin down. Sounds like you have grown a lot from your mistakes. That is where most wisdom comes from, lots of failure and trying again. all the best for the future with your family. ShareFlagLikeReply

Hallie 5ptsMay 12, 2013I have bookmarked this page, and Part 1 as well. Unfortunately, my so called husband thinks it is unrealistic for me to expect everything you've listed and is unwilling to even consider some of them. At the same time he will tell me he doesn't deserve me.ShareFlagLikeReply

Bethgael 5ptsMay 11, 2013I love this. I will be passing it all on to my (adult) sons and teenaged daughter (because it works both ways). I also think that the reason it's become so popular is that you're talking from a viewpoint of having tried things one way, had it gone badly, and having learned from the experience. It carries more weight than from an "expert" who never does anything wrong *grin*

May I add one? I have noticed a couple of my formerly single male friends end up this way. I'm sure some women do it too. When unmarried, they never forget things like house maintenance or picking up their stuff or remembering to take out the rubbish bins on bin night. Once married, however, all of a sudden they require constant reminders. They then complain to me how much their wives/partners nag them to do stuff. Cue resentment on both sides. I am often amused (and sometimes frustrated) at how these perfectly capable men morph into wee lads who need a mum to remind them to do every little thing once comfortably partnered. Sure, we all forget stuff and need reminders, but one friend would tell his new wife to remind him to do things I knew full well he was able to do beforehand, and then get stroppy at her when she did remind him... and often

she'd end up just doing the job herself. Needless to say, they were not happy, and the marriage didn't last.ShareFlag

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Heather Stroupe 5ptsMay 11, 2013I admire the wit and honesty that play into your posts. As a mother of two boys, and married, much of what you say rings true about my thoughts on marriage. Have you considered having a guest, female blogger share in the ways she would do over a marriage, or two? If some of the items are similar (e.g., any of the name calling, sarcasm business), perhaps post them beneath the bonus sections? Although I'm sure you've come 180 on perspective, there are always things the partner can do to improve circumstances, too. ShareFlag

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Hallie 5ptsMay 11, 2013Just a boost to #17 - sometimes those flowers should be delivered to her at work (or even home if she doesn't work and you aren't there).It's a huge deal to us gals.ShareFlag

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FeliceBurns 5ptsMay 11, 2013Amen Brother! You could be a marriage counselor! So what if you learned from the school of hard knocks rather than an ivy league institution! Real life experience rather than ivory tower talk.

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Jodi 5ptsMay 11, 2013I love what you have written, I have been married 21 years and can really relate to it all. There are somethings we still do and some we have forgotten. You have reminded me of those things. The reasons we fall in love. I appreciate your honesty and feel you should put it in a book to tell the world how we can be all better to each other.JodiShareFlagLikeReply

RubenMadrigal 5ptsMay 7, 2013Me and my new fiance have lived together for almost a year we were seriously starting to doubt the validity of our relationship because we were always fighting and what was worse we couldn't figure out why. After reading these two posts we (I) realized a lot of faults that had hidden themselves underneath my complacency in my relationship. In conclusion thank you for saving my relationship and future marriage to my best friend. ShareFlag

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Haley 5ptsMay 5, 2013This is awesome. I may only be 20, and never been married, but being in a serious relationship I can say that these tips will help me out a lot. We may not have kids or live together but there are many tips you gave that can help any relationship. I don't think you will have trouble getting a date haha. I am so glad that you can see what happened in your relationship that went wrong and actually think of ways to fix it. We need more men like this! It may have taken you time to figure these things out but everything happens for a reason, and maybe your divorces happened so that you could become the amazing husband that I know you will be, if you take your own advice! lol Thanks!Shauna 5ptsMay 3, 2013I just stumbled on this, via another one of your posts and I LOVED your honesty and self-reflection. In a world too full of gameplaying and laziness and victimhood rather than taking responsibility for your own actions - this shines out. I love all the bonus sex comments because it shows that you are a man - but they are always geared towards a wife, which is lovely. I think the secret to successfully living with someone - which you lay out in practical, do-able terms - is respect and kindness. And I've seen before, that

sarcasm can be the biggest relationship killer ever, so I'm glad you threw that one in there as well - but didn't go far enough because you allowed for it sometimes. Make that a Never. Wit and humour never need to be sarcastic or at anyone's expense unless it is your own. And I agree with the never fighting in front of kids bit. My kids immediately tense up and can't deal with it if I even slightly make a complaint about their dad in some way or snarl at him. I've greatly appreciated the barometer my kids have been around this. I grew up with a mom who was always putting my dad down and sneering about him and it was very destructive. And I like the balance between privacy and rubbing up against someone on a daily basis, that you illustrate several times. Yes, on the alone times without explanation just because you need to be alone and yes on hiding the gross things from each other. Thank you for doing this and I have a hunch your third time married will stick. Maybe even one of your first two muck ups might take a second look!!!ShareFlag

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Amanda 5ptsMay 2, 2013As someone who has been married for almost a year, this post was greatly appreciated. So far everything has been smooth sailing (even when I tore my ACL and meniscus and had to go from super-independent to totally dependent on my husband for a bit which was HUGE personal issue for me), but it's great to read the perspective of someone who has already walked down this road. I believe that learning from your own mistakes, and the mistakes of others, is one of the best ways to learn. Thank you for your candidness. It's not often that people give you frank marriage advice. I come from a family where my grandparents have been married for 50+ years, my parents married for almost 30 years, and I felt like I was well prepared for a successful marriage. It turns out that seeing the examples and living them are entirely different things. It turns out that people hide the uglier side of things very well until its too late. I applaud you in your bravery in bearing these private insecurities and thank you for your honesty! ShareFlag

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Amanda 5ptsMay 2, 2013As someone who has been married for almost a year, this post was greatly appreciated. So far everything has been smooth sailing (even when I tore my ACL and meniscus and had to go from super-independent to totally dependent on my husband for a bit which

was HUGE personal issue for me), but it's great to read the perspective of someone who has already walked down this road. I believe that learning from your own mistakes, and the mistakes of others, is one of the best ways to learn. Thank you for your candidness. It's not often that people give you frank marriage advice. I come from a family where my grandparents have been married for 50+ years, my parents married for almost 30 years, and I felt like I was well prepared for a successful marriage. It turns out that seeing the examples and living them are entirely different things. It turns out that people hide the uglier side of things very well until its too late. I applaud you in your bravery in bearing this private insecurities and thank you for your honesty! ShareFlagLikeReply

Jori 5ptsMay 1, 2013I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what you right is true. I have been married to my husband Tim for 12 years and we have four kids. We spent the first few years of our marriage living several hours away from family. We also traveled and spent a lot of time driving places, having the ability to just talk through everything. If we visited other couples we would discuss what does and doesn't work in their relationship and what we would do differently. If they had kids we would discuss how we would parent ours and how it would be the same or different from that couple. We wanted to be each other's best friend, so we do things together just because we enjoy being together. Indoor rock climbing, yes, pick a favorite football team and go nuts for them together, absolutely, wake boarding, why not, ballet, sounds good. For sure you need to rock out the chores and jobs of keeping a family going so that you can hang out with your best friend. This is the person you love the most in the world, not your parents, not your kids and there is something beautiful about choosing that. We choose to heal each other's pasts and not exploit them. He never tries to embarrass me or make me feel small. He is absolutely not perfect, but he is willing to listen and grow. I told him early on that I would never be able to hear him in an argument if he wouldn't first acknowledge that he hurt me and apologize for that even if he thought he was misunderstood or right. My family was always about being right and who had the best argument and you can see where that would escalate into a world of hurt. As a wife, we need to not wrap up ourselves and our self-esteem in our kids and think that we know the best way to do everything. I am thankful he has a deep relationship with our kids and enjoy him being able to comfort them at times when they are hurt, etc. I rely on him when I am totally spent and can't think of another way to teach my kids. I put him through grad school, and then when we both worked, he set it up so that when I would work 12 hour shift a week as a nurse, he would be home with the kids. Guess who never asks what I had done that day if he comes home from work, the house is bombed and there is no dinner ready, my husband. Perspective, perspective! I was diagnosed 2 months ago with stage IV breast cancer, now we are in the in sickness and in health bit. I have felt loved by him, chosen by him and the feeling of being his most loved person on the planet. He sees me in my grossness of barfing from chemo and pregnancies and by baldness and rubs my back and

shaves his head and still chooses to have me as his most loved person. People talk a lot about the right person and trade in when they become the wrong person. We have chosen to be the right person for each other. Thirteen years has not been enough with this man, 70 probably wouldn't be either. So I fight for each day I get to spend with him, I will do whatever needs to be done to get this cancer out of my body and am thankful for the gift that he is to me.ShareFlag

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sweetlee 5ptsMay 1, 2013@Jori This post was so beautiful. I hope with all my heart that you will heal and your marriage will live on...this world needs more marriages like yours....kids need to see their parents love each other....if all marriages could be like this. Loyal committed patient spouse helping each other and working to continually improve...and it isn't all prettied up and perfect. Its real. Best wished to your family. Thank-you. ShareFlagLikeReply

robstiques 5ptsMay 1, 2013Viral? Because we all see ourselves in your extraordinary authenticity. We don't have to be vulnerable because you've done it for us. We all LOVE to relate with someone who is capable of seeing themself objectively, face their demons, and make efforts to learn and improve (for good). Viral???? For good reason! Thank you for your refreshing candor!ShareFlag

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Mark 5ptsApr 30, 2013You want to know why this post went viral? Becuase it is brutally honest. That is something that most people appreciate.

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HoppinBill 5ptsApr 30, 2013Also a veteran of two marriages, I can honestly say that many of these things are things that I observed over the course of those two marriages. Maybe the secret is to get married twice to people you only kind of like so that you can learn how these things feel in practice, and you're ready when the right one comes along? Or, perhaps... it's best to marry the right one. That makes doing all these things pretty easy. I mean, not to let you off the hook, but some of this stuff is really chicken or egg scenario. Did you stop giving her flowers and therefore your marriage failed? Or did you stop caring and therefore stop giving her flowers? Did you become negatively sarcastic and kill the love? Or were you negatively sarcastic because the love was already dying? Who knows? I surely don't. Maybe you do for your situation. It's easy as Annibe11e points out to point to the symptoms and say "that was the cause", but it may not have been. So yeah... keep doing these things, because they are important and beautiful. But if your true urge is to stop doing them... examine that before you do. Maybe you just need to find out why you're feeling the way you are that is driving you to be less awesome towards the person you love.

PS: This is not true for the pooping with the door open thing. That one is spot on. Close that thing.ShareFlag

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annibe11e 5ptsApr 28, 2013I liked these, but instead of changing what you do or say, how about changing the reasons behind it. Like, instead of not acting upon your insecurities, work out your insecurities. Cure the disease (not that you're a disease, of course) instead of treating, or resisting, the symptoms. ShareFlag

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married with kids 5ptsApr 28, 2013I loved this. I have been married for 8 years and we are falling into some of these very things! This is an article for the fridge!ShareFlag

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Kenita 5ptsApr 28, 2013I'm a newlywed and this is great advice! I often think about all of the things you wrote. I agree with every, single one of them. I'd LOVE to read your book!Good luck with everything!

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nealkel 5ptsApr 27, 2013Where were you 15 years ago when I first got married? I could have used these! :) I think all 31 suggestions, if really taken to heart, could help so many couples who are about to get married. And you did it without making your ex-wife out to be the bad guy. Bravo, Dan!ShareFlagLikeReply

RuthieRM 5ptsApr 27, 2013I just read Pt. 1 and this. These posts are phenomenal! I will definitely take these lists to heart. It's not only good to practice this advice in marriage, but also in a serious

relationship. In these posts, I saw things I was doing wrong with my boyfriend and how to improve my actions. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this wonderful post! ShareFlagLikeReply

Amberlynn 5ptsApr 26, 2013Great lists. I LOVE them. I'm lucky to be in an 8 year marriage without regretting a moment of it. Some things that have helped us:Rather than treating them the way YOU want to be treated (Golden Rule) treat them the way THEY want to be treated (Platinum Rule?). If you don't know HOW they want to be treated - ask!If you have a problem with something, you should talk about it - but gather your thoughts, be logical, and be sure to use all the cheesey "communication expert" advice. Saying, "when this happens, I feel X" vs. "you always do this and it makes me X" works great. I believe it IS okay to go to bed mad, if it's going to cool you down and you realize it's not a big deal after all. Our stupid arguments usually happen when we're overly-tired and end with us both admitting we're being silly and are likely just taking out our tiredness in the wrong ways. Also, the words "you're right" and "I'm sorry" go a LONG way (as long as you're sincere).

Again, thanks for sharing your lists and lessons. ShareFlag

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EvaB 5ptsApr 26, 2013I want to say, this is awesome advice! I'm engaged to a wonderful man and he and I are expecting our first child together! We have a lot to improve on, and looking at these it makes me realize that. I appreciate all the advice. :)ShareFlagLikeReply

BethH 5ptsApr 26, 2013I would say, as a wife in a marriage that is seemingly successful so far, what you say rings true.I see me and my husband’s relationship in almost all of your suggestions, both seeing what we are doing right and what we can improve on.

With that said, I would add that you should laugh every day, kiss each other good night every night, take time to see the beauty in the world, and be sure to say “I love you” A LOT because you never know when it will be the last.(Bonus:Even when you are a little peeved, saying it makes you feel it.)I may only have one marriage under my belt, but we are in an unusual situation, seeing as we have two children together, ages 7 ½ and 5, but have only been married about a year and a half.But I will tell you that I love that man in every way that I did from day one.And new ways seeing him become such a fabulous father and (nearly) perfect husband!

Good luck to you in your future relationships! ShareFlagLikeReply

Jander2 5ptsApr 25, 2013I just want to say thanks. I learn more from other people's mistakes and as sad as I am that you went through it, I'm grateful that you did because, I was going down some of those same paths and you flat out said what would happen and I'm grateful for your candor.ShareFlagLikeReplyThis comment has been deleted

Melbomom 5ptsApr 25, 2013Lots of great advice for couples! I hope your sister takes it to heart. Truly, well thought out and written. So many would benefit from the well thought out points your share.ShareFlagLikeReply

Stillmarriednotsurewhy 5ptsApr 25, 2013How about keeping your marriage vows and not taking your emotional or physical needs outside the marriage. Gee, I'd think that would be number 1ShareFlagLikeReply

Skywiselover 5ptsApr 25, 2013

Wow! I read both of your articles and man, did you hit a lot of the points on the head! My ex-husband and I shared a lot of the same problems you had in your relationships. Thank you so much for sharing all of this! There are many points that i read that really hit home, but the funny thing about it is, I wasn't fully aware that we were doing some of these things. Great advice for couples! Thank you for posting this!ShareFlagLikeReply

a Brenzikofer 5ptsApr 24, 2013Thank you for sharing! I'm hoping my husband will read this and take it seriously. We aren't doing great but I hope we can fix things. Again thank you for sharing. It can't be easy putting all that out for the world to see.ShareFlagLikeReply

gbaca07 5ptsApr 24, 2013i hate everyone i know being so private about there marriages.they want to know everything about your marriage but they wont tell you anything about theres.they put up a face in church and in schoolShareFlagLikeReply

gbaca07 5ptsApr 24, 2013he thinks i spend too much money on goodwill.and on clearance.. everything i buy i buy on clearance.I hate wasting money on things that you can get cheap.i buy all the childrens clothes at yardsales and he hates that.ShareFlagLikeReply

gbaca07 5ptsApr 24, 2013He had his mother do everything until I came along.Then i told her to stop doing things because our boys needed to learn to do it. I didnt need her creating 3 more lazy boys. He didnt even want to put in the sink in our kitchen he wanted her to do it.

I told her our roof was leaking she wanted to come fix it. I told her nohe let her do the flagstone in the back yard even though he knew i wanted to do it.I just had a 3 month old baby at the time, but i still wanted to do it.he put rocks in the back yard and i told him it was a bad idea, then all the weeds starting coming through and he wanted me to help him take them back out. by the way his mother got a private detective for his exwife.ShareFlagLikeReply

gbaca07 5ptsApr 24, 2013when we go to bed, he stays on his side, I stay on mine. and go to sleepShareFlagLikeReply

gbaca07 5ptsApr 24, 2013we dont communicate anymorei have tryed for years to tell him what is wrong but he tells me i am nagginghe has nothing good to say about his ex he was with for 8 years, so he will probably having nothing good to say about me.he never appoligizes.he told me I was old and saggy after our 3 boyshe even talks about my deseased mother that he never met.he asks me about my exes and then he tells me I am a whore.when I first met him he told me I didnt look like my picture.He will never change. I dont expect him toohe likes working out but I tell everyone his muscles is like fancy packagingonce you take off all the bows . there is nothing much inside.I really have no feelings for him anymore.I care about our boys and so does he. that is the only reason i put up with plus the fact I have spent the last 7 years talking care of our boys.so I am a full time stay at home mother, plus i am about 3000 miles away from any family.ShareFlagLikeReply

gbaca07 5ptsApr 24, 2013

what about helping with the laundry, doing the dishesmaking the bed once in awhilecleaning the bathroom once in awhileemptying the trash can in the bathrooms with out waiting for her to do it.taking out the trash.sweeping the floordoing the vacuming without being asked to do it.my husband bought blinds, but he wanted me to dust them.told me his hands were too sensitive to do laundry.never cleaned a clog in his lifenever made a bed with out me asking and if he did i always had to redo it.never did laundryit took him 2 months to put away his own clothes that i washed.I stopped putting away his clothes after our 3 boys came alongI have never seen him do dishes or clean the bathroom.he doesnt take out the trash.he comes home and sits on the couch and I make dinner for himyet he tells me I have the best job taking care of our 3 boys and complains that I am the worst housekeeperhis mother completely spoiled him. all i know that he did growing up was clean his room and moe the lawn.Our marriage is not at a good placeI have stopped having sex with him.he never touches me unless he wants sexhe thinks he knows everythinghe hates fat people. I am considered fat after having 3 boys.he thinks all black people cheat and beat up there wives and girlfriends.He hates when I spend any moneyi told him not to buy me flowers, but he can make it up in other ways.ShareFlagLikeReply

Guest 5ptsApr 27, 2013@gbaca07 Hi honey. I'm sorry that things in your home are not doing well. Just want you to know that you are a beloved child of God, and so is your husband. I sincerely hope that things get better - you both deserve a loving relationship. ShareFlagLikeReply

CatherineGilmore 5pts

Apr 22, 2013Thing I did wrong.... how I would fix it! See, that's the thing. It's some times easy to say what went wrong... harder, and far more honest to say you've looked at the problem and WANT to fix it. I hope you get the chance to do so. Many of these problems I've seen in my marriage - on both sides. Quiet honestly, the only reason we're still making it work is because we saw the problem and wanted to fix it. Honesty... it's given me everything I've ever wanted in life.... well, honesty and respect. You gotta respect yourself and how you treat others. You've gotta be honest about what's really going on, and what's not. I love your advice.... and yeah, even negative advice can be positive. My mom told me Figure out what you want, and what you've got to do to get it... and it has applied to EVERYTHING in my life. That's all the advice she ever gave me (against my will). I hope your sister, and everyone else who reads this blog really listens and internalizes each of your truths.I respect you for putting your neck out there.ShareFlagLikeReply

AngelaWilliam 5ptsApr 22, 2013I feel the same way as any other woman do with heartbreak before i met orinoko. My issue is with his co workers he always text them even after I told him how I feel about it. He will stop for while and then start all over. He always tells me how fat and old these woman are but I did know that he uses that as a deterrent for me not to think negatively about him having dates with them. Today I have now found out he is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer can take it. Why did he just leave? I do not understand why he keeps doing this to me. He even comes home late after work now and he finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic for help but all the same. what should I do? until my friend introduced me to a someone that assisted to reunite her husband. get the him with Getyourexbackcharm@gmail.com you can contact him. ShareFlagLikeReply

MichelleShepherd 5ptsApr 21, 2013I think being honest with your failures sets you up for more success... and probably most other women out there would feel the same, so don't think you'll never get a date now that you've aired your laundry... airing the laundry is what makes it fresh! I'm so glad your sister will be getting such a nice list of very thoughtful ways to do it right.... sometimes hearing only the 'do it this way' stuff isn't helpful and you really need to know the failures and how they can be amended to get the full idea of what marriage is.Good luck to you in the future! And I hope your sister heeds all your advice, it is wonderful!

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sweetlee 5ptsApr 21, 2013I wasn't going to comment until you said you read the comments (all 1,000+ of them, wow) ... I love you! (in the we are all brothers & sisters way, or else I sound psycho) who is ever this honest and open and real and self-disclosing? Who ever looks at their relationships and looks for how they could have done better without even making it about blaming the other person?? Even though my husband does a lot of the things you did, so do I, reading your side of it made me want to make my side better. We have been struggling with addiction issues and we both are in recovery.... but I know that doing some of these simple things will help him continue to keep fighting and not give into the shame of being an addict. Also if you can even do most of these, you are well on your way to a better marriage next time. I firmly believe that whenever we change for the better and learn lessons life is trying to teach us, we are more likely to attract and be attracted to someone who wants to be a better person... Best wishes and Thanks!ShareFlagLikeReply

curlymom 5ptsApr 21, 2013Loved this..and yes I saw my spouse, but i saw myself also. Thank you for your transparency, your sister is very lucky to get such great advice.ShareFlagLikeReply

Peace_Nine 5ptsApr 21, 2013The one I REALLY related to was the one about only touching when you want sex. I was in a new relationship with a (now ex) boyfriend, and he had gone about a week without hugging me, holding my hand, or anything else in the way of non-sexual touching. Then one day I was changing when he happened to be in the room talking to me. I took off my shirt and then my bra to change into some clean clothes, and he suddenly came over and wrapped his arms around me. "I don't know why," he said, "But I just felt like giving you a hug." I was furious! (And horrified at his lack of self-awareness.) Believe me, I took a LONG time giving him my simple explanation for why he had suddenly wanted to hug me after a week of distancing himself. Bare breasts, duh! And what a jerk that made him. Men, why don't you get this simple concept?ShareFlagLikeReply

JustJoy 5ptsApr 21, 2013I've been married to the same man for 32 yrs... been with him for 34 yrs... one or two of those years I could have really used some of this advice! But most have been by following these exact thoughts! Thank you, Dan, for being able to put it so succinctly into words. And for those who may be pointing fingers and saying their SO should be reading this... just an observation here.. when YOU start doing these things FIRST, magic tends to happen! The other starts (consciously or unconsciously) noticing, and THEY start being more considerate, caring, helping out, etc. I've seen it too many times in my "older" age not to say that. Thanks again, Dan, for sharing this important info. You may actually be saving some people from the dread of divorce, and isn't THAT a noble thing!ShareFlagLikeReply

Kell0613 5ptsApr 19, 2013Not that I disagree with any of these...but I'd love to hear what you think are the 16 ways that "women" also screw up their marriage. It is a two way street, afterall. ShareFlagLikeReply

anon 5ptsApr 21, 2013@Kell0613 Sorry but are you saying that these mistakes are ones that only men are capable of making? Sure some of them are gender specific, but for the most part, both men and women are equally able to have done these things. I can definitely say that, as a female, I see myself doing some. ShareFlag

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Twincessesplus1 5ptsApr 22, 2013@Kell0613 This was written from HIS perspective on HIS marriage. Plenty of us females can see ourselves in some of these as well. A relationship is a two way street. The fact that you are already looking to "share blame" says that there are a few of his points you have overlooked. I know for fact that I have an issue with pulling away from my husband when we argue. I don't kiss him, I don't touch him, and I "hold out". Fact is that he needs

that physical connection more than I do. When I give in to him with it, I actually see the side of him I look for. The side that hauls out the garbage without me asking, the guy who will ask to help me with the household chores, the guy who gets up in the middle of the night with the kids or just gives me a day to sleep in and recharge. I have to recgonise my areas of fault as much as he does. ShareFlagLikeReply

jaimefix 5ptsApr 19, 2013I would say there is a lot of validity to these rules, but I will also say that if you are compatible and really LIKE each other, sometimes these things don't matter. Been married happily for 11 years now, together for 14 and can honestly say that a ton of these are true in our marriage. Most actually. But we totally like each other. We love each other. And still at the end of each day we would rather spend time with each other than anyone else. I think these things exacerbate other problems or pick at existing scabs. I think and have found compatibility can overcome lots!ShareFlagLikeReply

LaurelLundinBrowning 5ptsApr 19, 2013Wow. Not pointing fingers, since as a gal, I'm guilty of a number of these, myself. But ... wow. Been there, done that, with the Decree to prove it. Thanks for voicing these.ShareFlagLikeReply

Moon 2 5ptsApr 19, 2013I was wondering, how can you let know your partner that being so close to his family can bring us problems? he can´t leave them, he spends with his family the same time with me, that is kind of frustratingShareFlagLikeReply

Twincessesplus1 5ptsApr 23, 2013@Moon 2 My husbands mother and sister were vile to me when we started dating and honestly, still are. It got to the point where we nearly divorced because of them. It got to the point that even after we moved it still followed us. After we went to marriage

counseling, our therapist helped him realize that the kids and I are his #1 family and his parents (he doesn't speak to his sister it got that bad) are second. My family has never been before him and they have always been extremely good to him. He sat down and told his mother that her garbage stopped because it was harming our family or she wouldn't be welcome to be apart of our family. Our situation was probably different but, he still had to learn that the kids and I are first. No matter what, we are first. Hopefully, you can tell him that in so many words where he understands it and learns to distance himself from them. Once a month family dinner or gathering is probably sufficent.ShareFlagLikeReply

MarieBozarth 5ptsApr 18, 2013These "rules" go both ways. It isn't just men who behave badly or let things slide after marriage. ShareFlagLikeReply

JessicaPageLitteral 5ptsApr 17, 2013After reading this I'd have to say you're one of the smartest men I know and almost all men in the world should read this :)ShareFlagLikeReply

sm 5ptsApr 16, 2013This is exaclty what is happening in our marriage. Wish my husband reads this! God save us!ShareFlagLikeReply

Christine 5ptsApr 16, 2013The things you have listed are all things that people say "Oh, I know that", "Well, duh!", and "I'd never..." and yet as soon as they stop reading, they go and do exactly what they said they'd never do. Thank you for realizing the things that hurt your marriages, and for owning up to them. Those too, are very different things. There are many of your points that I myself constantly have trouble with (mostly inadvertently telling my loved one he isn't good enough by commenting on ways he could be better, things he could do better),

but I am still determined to catch myself and change the words I use to have a positive spin instead of a negative one. ShareFlag

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KymBiggs 5ptsApr 15, 2013I sense a book on this. You could help many couples with this insight. I have two failed marriages and boy, I sure don't want another. There is culpability on both sides but sometimes it's hard to face how we contributed. Good on you!ShareFlagLikeReply

MelindaCate 5ptsApr 15, 2013You should write a book about these! I'm sure you have tons more! Its an awesome reminder of what not to do and what should be done. You may also like the book the 5 love languages and the love dare. They both are great aids in marriages sticking together! You touched on lots of important issues that all couples face. If ever you get married again, try to pray about it first and wait for the confirmation. I truley appreciate u sharing this! ShareFlagLikeReply

MrsMeeks 5ptsApr 13, 2013Dear Blogger, I could relate to most of these. So much so that I copied and pasted them all (part 1 and 2) and printed them up to talk about with my spouse-to-be. Because of most of these, I've started packing boxes to leave several times. More men need to understand that when you only talk about you, never listen or care about what's going on with her, prioritize your own goals/recreation/etc and leave hers on a back burner, or only touch her when you want to have sex that a relationship based almost solely upon what one person wants WILL end. The question is when. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I doubt my fiance will bother reading the entire list or will welcome the advice of, oh, anyone, but maybe someone else's relationship can be saved by taking to heart these words.ShareFlagLikeReply

PGlife 5ptsApr 12, 2013So great. I think all this advice I found myself relating on and realizing that I need ti change my attitude too. This was so helpful and I know it will improve my marriage!PGlife 5ptsApr 12, 2013So great. I think all this advice I found myself relating on and realizing that I need ti change my attitude too. This was so helpful and I know it will improve my marriage!ShareFlagLikeReply

Gina 5ptsApr 9, 2013I think number 22 is more important then most guys know.

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BrandiNY 5ptsApr 12, 2013@Gina you are sooooooo right! No one wants to feel like an object! Women are emotional creatures we need to feel loved and wanted. I enjoyed both lists. I laughed, giggled, snorted and guffawed! I think it shows tremendous growth on your part that you can recognize your part, of course she had her faults as well, but the fact that you can recognize the areas that you want to change in, I think is awesome. I think you will be surprised by how many women will find your openness refreshing and instead of not wanting to get to know you, many will! You showed that you can be strong and vulnerable. We are all flawed, its how we love through those flaws that matters.ShareFlagLikeReply

Janetgrace26 5ptsApr 9, 2013I think it is awesome that you are self aware enough to see where you might have gone wrong instead of blaming the other person kudos to you and im guessing youll get lots of dates because women love men who can admit they were wrong. I would also say most if not every thing you talked about is stuff that went wrong in my marriage and probably

why it failed anyways way to be honest its nice to hear someone take responsiblities for their mistakesShareFlagLikeReply

gabby 5ptsApr 9, 2013exactly right. As a married woman I can see the "what you would do differently" working pretty well. And I can see most of your problems - in different degrees - on my marriage life as well. Both my husband and I read both post and will re read it again! We think it's pretty spot on. Thanks.btw, I would like to say it seems to me that your problem can be generalized in one big thing: egocentric (vain and selfish). And social media addict. If you "downsize" the areas you need to work on you might get better results while trying to do better. ShareFlagLikeReply

Boo 5ptsApr 9, 2013Both lists can be applied to any relationship-friendship, dating, or marriage! Although you listed from a man-spective, I, too, am guilty of doing things you listed and have pushed my husband away. Girl friends in the past have done some of these things to me in order to push me away. Applies in a lot of circumstances, so thank you! ShareFlag

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Ariana 5ptsApr 7, 2013I'm printing this out and re-naming it the 31 ways we won't blow our marriage. So we can read it and both of us work on it! If I can even get him to read it :/ShareFlag

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Becky 5ptsApr 7, 2013Thank you for these.I, for one have never been married, but have been in 2 long term relationships. The 2nd one is ending as I type this. There are a lot of these I hold close to heart, and will think about in any of my future relationships. ShareFlag

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selims 5ptsApr 6, 2013Both are great advice! Would be great in pre marriage and for anniversary gifts!ShareFlagLikeReply

Jen 5ptsApr 6, 2013I appreciated the advice in this article (from the perspective of a woman) - but I view it as advice that both people in a relationship should follow. I didn't assume that this is gender stereotyping in favour of women... It's just (un)common sense to be courteous and loving to your partner -- and so many people get caught up in the day-to-day struggles of life that they forget to show appreciation to the people they are closest to. It's your safe place to vent and be selfish and do all the things you can't get away with in polite company all day long... but in the meantime, you end up sacrificing those close relationships.

Anyway, sound advice - for everyone in a relationship.ShareFlagLikeReply

Magnus1 5ptsApr 6, 2013This is good advice for a deluded person. As I said in the previous article, all this is saying is every single thing you THINK you should be doing right. No one can prove that if you did all of these things to a T, that you would have any more happiness out of your

relationship. The problem isn't what someone is or is not doing. The problem is biological. I don't care what it is, if you do the same thing long enough, you will get bored with it eventually. If you eat steak and lobster every day, eventually you just want a bowl of Ramen and a bologna sandwich. If any woman here had a boyfriend that did all of these things every single day, you would eventually get annoyed with it. Believe me. Women (and Men) are not able to be happy with repetitive bullcrap. It is simply not how our brains work. We need new stimulation constantly. So to say that, had you done these things, your relationship would be better is simply appalling and horrible reporting. You have no basis to show that this would make a better relationship.

The saddest part is that all you do is give women another reason to harp on their men. They will say "look honey, this random person on the internet made a list of how a husband should act and since you don't act like this you are a bad husband". So you may word it differently, but that is what you mean. I wholeheartedly believe that a relationship should be an equal give and take. But this list is pure crap. No human on Earth could ever be able to do all of these things all the time. I mean seriously, what this list comprises of would take an entire entourage working 24/7 to accommodate all this nonsense. Yeah they are good tidbits to live by, but doing them all the time is bullshit. Every woman on Earth knows she wants a man that is a man. She doesn't want a little whipping boy that does everything she wants. So ladies, please stop acting like the type of man you want is an emasculated little bitch who does everything you say, because you don't.ShareFlagLikeReply

Christopher 5ptsApr 8, 2013@Magnus1 The saddest part is really that you are likely to find yourself in Pearce's position in a few years and what is even worse is you will just externalize the problem and think you were completely justified in every thing you did NOT do to maintain your marriage.ShareFlag

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Magnus1 5ptsApr 8, 2013@Christopher @Magnus1 No. The saddest part is people like you who turn to cookie cutter crap to fix their lives. You say the saddest part is that I am destined to wind up like the author? Based on what, your years of marriage therapy. I like how everyone here

teams up on me (and on the other half f this article) yet everyone in the comments all claims to be in trouble. So let me get this right; I am eventually going to have my relationship ruined, just like everyone else in this room, and yet I am the bad guy that should be attacked? Well, if my relationship ends because I don't do these things then thank God that I dumped a vapid superficial girl that need constant reassuring and validation about herself. You enjoy those kind of women. My wife and I realize what relationships really are and make sure we balance our time with each other, not do things like stop bringing her flowers.

I mean seriously Chris, who would have thought getting fat and calling your wife bitch would be such a bad thing? I mean, this is a list of things everyone has already known forever. Sorry that people like you need an author like that to guide your life. I have it pretty well together so please, hold your judgments for your social gatherings and church. Unless you have something to directly add or take away from my argument, stop with the personal attacks. It makes you look like childish. I don't externalize my problems. You know nothing about me. So unless you are some sort of psychic/Dr Phil/Marriage Counselor hybrid, I think I will go ahead and stick to the formula that has kept us both happy for 9 years instead of listening the advice of a two time loser. But go ahead and take this advice, I am sure he has it figure out by now. I mean, humans have been getting married for hundreds of years yet the divorce rate is still >50%. So my point is no one has it figured out. Even these rules could possibly not help or even hurt a relationship. But thanks for calling me out just because I disagree. Real mature buddy. ShareFlag

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Joman 5ptsApr 10, 2013@Magnus1 Being chivalrous doesn't make you a little bitch. Being a selfish dick makes you a little bitch. Take it from me, I'm pretty much guilty of all of these and it is doing nothing but hurting my relationship.ShareFlag

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Vibrance 5ptsApr 10, 2013

@Magnus1 It's fine to disagree, but coming onto someone's blog on a subject that is close to their heart, calling it crap, and insulting the people who agree with it is inappropriate. You could have phrased everything you said in a diplomatic way, but you came here aggressively and with the seeming intent to make the people who like this blog feel stupid. I am all for discussion of relational issues, but you can't come in, guns blazing, and expect to be treated in a civil manner. ShareFlag

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Magnus1 5ptsApr 10, 2013@Joman Both of those make you a bitch. Well, maybe not a bitch per se. But being chivalrous is fine. Being selfish is fine. I mean EVERYONE is selfish. Seriously. You can say you aren't all you want but everyone is by nature. We love ourselves first. As I said before, balance is key. Everyone is guilty of all of these things because it is a natural thing to happen. If you do drugs every day, eventually you won't get high and you will stop enjoying it. When you are in love, it is a type of high. Eventually, it wears off and you either love the person you are with or you see them for who they are and start the game of becoming distant. Not one single one of these steps is the reason for anyone's marriage to fail. You are failing to see the only point here, that the reason these things happen is due to some other much larger problem in your relationships. Perhaps you don't feel as close anymore so you don't cuddle as much. Maybe you had kids and intimacy went to shit. Either way, these are mostly side effects or warning signs that spawn from real problems. These aren't real problems unless you are a teenager in high school. And sure, not doing these may hurt your relationship a little bit, but I don't recall ever hearing a woman ask for a divorce because you didn't hold her hand or because you didn't bring her flowers. I guess my main issue with this is that every point in this article is how you should treat any fellow human. It is common decency. Don't make fun of people, treat them nice, spend time with them, don't only talk to them when you want sex, NO SHIT! Here let me add to this list: Don't punch your wife in the mouth, don't invite your friends over for poker night every day. Don't flirt with girls around your wife. I mean, these are normal things.

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Magnus1 5ptsApr 10, 2013@Vibrance Do you know the author? Did he tell you that this is something super close to his heart? Maybe he was just bored. I don't try to speak for people. And I did not insult one person that did not insult me first. That is not my game. Sorry. Not sure what you read. I wasn't insulting anyone, I was merely trying to awaken the people that there are real problems they need to deal with. If this is all it took to make a marriage work, then the divorce rate would be nil. So of course I take offense when someone posts terrible advice that people eat up. Would you be mad if you watched a show that claimed you could lose weight by eating a tapeworm? What if everyone around you agreed it works? Would you just be happy knowing you are the only person who knows the truth? No. This post doesn't even start to tackle real marriage issues like kids, money, jobs, etc. Had this been a list of 31 ways I ruined relationships with girls I dated, then fine. I would hold my tongue. But this list has almost nothing to do with why marriages crumble. No one wants to admit the truth that long term relationships rarely work because they are unnatural and people grow apart. How many friend do you have from high school? What about middle school? That is because people change.It doesn't mean that it is a bad thing. It just means that relationships often have an expiration date, like anything else.

Nothing I said or did is inappropriate. I voiced my opinion in a professional manner unless I was attacked personally. Which is funny because I still have yet to attack anyone personally yet I have been attacked many times. I just want people to realize that these are only helpful in an otherwise happy relationship. If your relationship sucks, these steps most likely won't fix what the problem is.

"I am all for discussion of relational issues, but you can't come in, guns blazing, and expect to be treated in a civil manner." Hahaha. That is funny. Seriously, so I can't voice my opinion and just be left alone? I didn't troll. I didn't talk to anyone specifically. I didn't say anything unprofessional sans a few cuss words. And just because I disagree means I don't have the right to be treated with civility? Wow. I really hope you re-read what you said. This is a public forum, not the distinguished debate club. Maybe if most of the people replied to me with a point on why I am wrong or engaged me about the topic instead of just name calling, we could talk about this. But, apparently you only read my posts because your side is far more hostile than my side. Perspective is crazy like that huh?

When people have an agenda or belief, it is difficult to get them to hear all sides. Which is sad because how can you know what to believe in unless you have all the information. I just wanted to give a fresh perspective from the army of yes men that complimented the author. It was a well written article. Great author. Have nothing against him. I just hate when people give bad advice. Had he just given it to one person ok, but not he has infected thousands. And those thousands will share. I shouldn't say it is bad advice, just bad marriage advice.

And even if I did come in guns blazing which I didn't, my comments were originally directed at the author, not any of you. Yet that doesn't stop the dozen or so people from

butting in and criticizing me. But they can criticize all they want. I don't care. I just find it funny that I am the bad guy yet I am the only one not using personal attacks. And by the way, you don't think authors are told their work is crap ALL the time anyway? That is not why I said what I said, but come on. We live in the real world. If you can't take some criticism or an alternate point of view, then you deserve to be offended and you deserve to feel the anger you get from it. What would happen no one disagreed? Anyway, that is another point. ShareFlag

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Magnus1 5ptsApr 10, 2013@Vibrance Anyway, I just hope that the author read my actual points and maybe learned a little something also. I learned a few things as well.

And lastly, I really do engage in debates like this for a reason. I run a website and someone sent me this site to write about. So I said ok. I could have read it and moved on but here is the thing I do that almost no one else does; I am open-minded. I am willing to subject myself to this abuse because I am hoping someone will change my point of view. Maybe there is something I didn't consider. I would like to hear valid points from an opposing side. But I guess that is just too much to ask for. And yet I am the bad guy. I am always open to having a deeper understanding on any topic. But, as I can tell from the many comments here, people just like absorbing and spitting it out later. No one has depth or even really wants to think about the implications of a list like this. So be it. (And that wasn't an attack on you, just a factual point). This is basically Dr Phil help. It doesn't fix anything, change anything, or do anything, but you have talked about it a little more. SO what value does that add? Shouldn't you ask WHY did I stop holding her hand? WHY did I talk about her behind her back? Why am I not interested in her anymore? That is what this list should have been

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Sance 5ptsApr 12, 2013@Magnus1Dude...really? Please stop posting just to get a rise out of people. Go find something more efficient to do with your time.

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Magnus1 5ptsApr 12, 2013@Sance @Magnus1 Thanks Mom but I prefer to do whatever I want. What is the most insightful is how I have punched valid holes in all of these arguments (especially in the comment thread of the first half of this article), and in stead of telling me what part of my argument is wrong, like most logical fallacies, you avoid the direct debate and go straight for direct attacks. What would I possibly get from getting a rise out of people. I don't know any of you and I would have no way of knowing if I got a rise out of you. Further more, why would I care? All I wanted to do is make people more aware that these problems occur AFTER real significant problems lay untended. But thanks for being yet another person who decided to butt into my conversation and immediately proceeding to attack me and my motives when you know absolutely nothing about me. You have no clue what my motives were (which you actually would had you read my comments). I have two.

Something more efficient to do with my time? Well let's see. I am a happily married man, I spent 10 years in the Marine Corps. I have a masters degree in biophysics and am going to Pharmacy school after Summer. I volunteer at the VA hospital as well as Big Brother/ Big Sister and I teach a woman's self defense class at the YMCA FOR FREE. Oh and I run a website. And what is it you do again? My point is unless you are going to provide some constructive point, shut up. I have not one time ever replied to anyone's comments or anything else on here.Every person, like you, has responded to me, so how am I trying to get a rise out of people when I am not engaging them, they are engaging me. Quite annoyingly I might add.

Anyway, this is what is wrong with America. Anytime someone disagrees with a group, they clearly are assholes who just want to stir the beehive. Evveryone is so fragile now that one little disagreement and their whole world gets spun into a frenzy. It is almost pathetic that not one single person on either half of this post has been able to counter any one of my points. I was looking for a honest debate here but what I found instead are a bunch of yes men that will absorb any old trash that comes their way. You go ahead and take advice from a two time divorcee (and author, not marriage counselor or therapist) and I will go ahead and continue to do what I have been in keeping my marriage happy for 9+ years now.

Do something better with you time? hahaha. That is rich. Especially since you are doing the exact same thing. I guess we can cross hypocrisy off that list. ShareFlag

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Lyra 5ptsApr 12, 2013@Magnus1 Dude, you are a little bit of a moron.ShareFlag

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Magnus1 5ptsApr 12, 2013Thanks. Because I'm sure you are a member of MENSA, or even know what MENSA is. Thanks for another personal attack. Glad things like academic honesty don't run rampant in this room. But what else can I expect from a bunch of people that think the secret to marriage is not calling your wife fat. I tried to make points and not one single person has even tried refuting them. It just shows the level of education this room has.

Here is a wild idea Lyra, if you disagree with me, why not say exactly what and let us see if it is right or wrong? That is how debates work. If you won by name calling, then debate would be fairly short and simple to win. This isn't a "Yo Mama" battle. But feel good about riding your high horse. Ignorance really is bliss as CLEARLY displayed by any lack of real analyzing by any of you. Enjoy your divorces people. Eventually you will realize that the real problems are what causes this list, not the list itself. Or maybe you won't and you will be 60, alone and wonder how you followed these rules and still are alone and unhappy.

Instead of turning to a BLOG for marital advice, how about you go and communicate with your partner. How about you get counseling. How about you read a book from a qualified person. Or hey, just take advice from someone who has absolutely no authority on the subject. Your life. I'm just utterly shocked that so many people have so little depth that they actually believe this list is a solution. Maybe that is why the divorce rate is so high. ShareFlag

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Melacine 5ptsApr 12, 2013@Magnus1 If you want to look up logical fallacies, each one of your posts has done an Ad Hominem. Look it up and go troll elsewhere. Please and thank you.ShareFlag

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Magnus1 5ptsApr 13, 2013@Melacine @Magnus1 Well I guess using an ad hom to declare an ad hom puts us both in the same boat now doesn't it. And no, sadly I haven't. I attacked only one person directly and that is it. But join the crew and attack me without attacking my argument. Still have yet to have one person do that. And I am far from a troll. If having a counterpoint with evidence and logic makes me a troll, then enjoy your ignorance of reality. ShareFlag

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Melacine 5ptsApr 13, 2013@Magnus1 @Melacine Feel free to learn that valid logic is arguing without fallacies, and when you decided to claim others were arguing with a fallacy, you ignored the fact that you have only been attacking people's character as an attempt to attack their view. By attacking their character, you lost the whole argument and the point of the argument to take it away from the subject and over to one's character. Have a nice day.ShareFlagLikeReply

Magnus1 5ptsApr 13, 2013@Melacine @Magnus1 You're right Melanice. But the one thing you fail to realize is that so did every other person. If you read my comments from the first half of this article, I provided many valid points. All I got in return were personal attacks. Everyone, including you, has failed to try to engage me on my argument. Instead I was personally attacked by

everyone.

So go ahead and spare me the lecture on how to argue logically because that is what I did. Your side is the one who resorted exclusively to personal attacks. So I replied accordingly. And my "attacks" were not personal attacks for the most part.

So I guess what youa re saying is that when I use fallacies, my whole argument is invalid and defeated. But when every single person I argue against says far more and worse fallacies, then they are justified. Is that correct? Because what you have just said is I am wrong for doing something while the other side is assumably correct for employing the same tactics. ShareFlagLikeReply

Melacine 5ptsApr 13, 2013@Magnus1 @Melacine At least trying being honest. In the FIRST sentence, you said this is "advice for a deluded person." Stop lying that you aren't attacking people and go get your fix of cyberbullying in elsewhere. You're trolling since your comments are not adding or even playing devils advocate. They are just rude and attacks on everyone who thinks this is a good article.ShareFlag

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Vibrance 5ptsApr 16, 2013@Magnus1 Okay, I'll engage your points. I'll try to interpret them correctly. People get bored with the same old, same old. I agree with you. However, people are constantly changing, so I disagree with the "expiration date" that you say is on most relationships. Some people stagnate, but human beings are constantly developing new ideas, new ways of thinking, new beliefs, and new ways of doing things. I would argue that this is attractive and can keep a person attracted to their partner. I don't think this article is saying to do the above actions all the time in the same way. There is no need for buying flowers, for example, to become boring. He didn't say to buy them routinely and to always get the same kind of flower. His suggestion about the flowers is a great way to show care for your significant other. Variety can be incorporated into the simplest of acts if a little creativity is utilized. I also agree that relationships are immensely complex and require more than one blog of information. However, I would argue that everyday people can definitely influence relationships in a positive way. I think this blog shows pretty simple relational help, but everyone needs to be reminded of the basics every once in a while so we don't get lax in

the upkeep of the relationships that are most important to us. Sometimes it is refreshing to see a list like this, whether you are doing everything right or wrong. I also agree that there are often underlying problems behind the cessation of holding hands, buying flowers, and generally being romantic. These problems are more likely to be fixed, however, if one or both people make an effort to do these kinds of things. I would say showing care encourages honesty and trust, which leads to the ability to talk through the real issues behind not wanting to hold hands or make the effort to care.I am glad you engage in debates for a reason. However, I disagree when you say you presented yourself professionally. Professionals do not engage in personal attacks. Not even if they are attacked first. Don't you think you should hold to your debate ethic no matter what other people do?Another note - This was advice given to a couple about to be married. So, a couple whose relationship was already successful. You said it is fine advice if your relationship is already good, correct? Well, it was intended for someone whose relationship was already good. If people use it wrongly(to beat each other over the head with), well, that wouldn't be the first time someone took something good and used it in a bad way.Anyway, like I said, I am happy to talk about relational issues. I have done tons of research on it; it's like a hobby. That being said, I am also happy to talk to someone who disagrees with something I like, as long as everything stays appropriate.Cheers!ShareFlag

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Nicole 5ptsApr 5, 2013My God I think you nailed it. As a woman, I can say that we often are more reactive than active, and it shows in relationships. A man usually is who he is no matter who he is around, but woman are who we are depending on who is around. We have the habit of giving back what we feel we have been given, and more than not, we amplify it. So when you distance yourself because your tired, we not only see your distance, but we up the ante, turning a misconstrued action into a negative feedback loop of pointless fighting. If a man takes your advice, and still has problem, at least he can rest easy knowing its the woman's fault. ....Just kidding, it's always the man's fault, no matter what. But you're a veteran, so you know this already. ;)ShareFlagLikeReply

Beth 5ptsApr 5, 2013

While not everything you said applies to every marriage, the sentiment is there completely. I am the wife and it makes me look at the things I do that make my husband turn away. And you're right, sex is important. When it doesn't work, your relationship doesn't work. We need to work harder at making that important and not an afterthought, like it is 11 years into marriage . . . .just a confession.

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Leah 5ptsApr 5, 2013This is super brave of you to post. We constantly have to keep ourselves in check and question if we are being the best part of ourselves when things go bad in a relationship. The more elated we are with ourselves the more we will want to create happiness with people around us...glass half full type of love. Keep writing. You're good at it :)ShareFlagLikeReply

Melacine 5ptsApr 5, 2013I think communication is important from both sides. It isn't right for you to have to communicate your feelings if she doesn't communicate hers. Both people should be comfortable stating their needs, feelings or emotions without worry. If something is bothering her, she should be able to tell you without you trying to fix it. (Sometimes people want to get their feelings off their chest without the man trying to fix the feelings or issue that caused the feeling.) The same goes for men trying to be the tough guy and not tell her how you're feeling emotionally. AsiShareFlagLikeReply

Melacine 5ptsApr 5, 2013I think communication is important from both sides. It isn't right for you to have to communicate your feelings if she doesn't communicate hers. Both people should be comfortable stating their needs, feelings or emotions without worry. If something is bothering her, she should be able to tell you without you trying to fix it. (Sometimes people want to get their feelings off their chest without the man trying to fix the feelings or issue that caused the feeling.) The same goes for men trying to be the tough guy and not tell her how you're feeling emotionally. Asides from that, there is a general theme that bodes true- If you love your wife, she will in turn act more respectfully to you.ShareFlag

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Luvs_Frogs 5ptsApr 4, 2013Thank you for sharing more... EYE Opening! It doesn't only apply to men. We as women are to blame when things don't go as they should, KUDOS for owning your own S&%t.ShareFlagLikeReply

C 5ptsApr 4, 2013I've a question for you and I hope you answer it. You sound just like my husband..with that being said.. would you have read this at all had she handed it to you? Because, I honestly don't think you or my husband would take the time to read it. You've given excellent advice, but I do think perhaps..we only learn what we are doing wrong when look back on it... not while we are in it.ShareFlag

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B 5ptsApr 4, 2013love this! I hope someone shows this to my man when we get married :)ShareFlagLikeReply

Rafael Justino Costa 5ptsApr 4, 2013@B Please, before. Share it on Facebook. Maybe he reads it. It's generic and interesting material, anyways. The earlier the better!ShareFlagLikeReply

Luvs_Frogs 5ptsApr 4, 2013@B Why does "SOMEONE" need to show him? Why don't YOU! - Do not be scared to get what you want - after all aren't you worth it?!

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CarolynG 5ptsApr 4, 2013Absolutely, positively, 100% correct! From a wife who's been married for almost a dozen years, this definitely applies to us as much as our hubbies. Your insights now are fantastic! Sometimes, we learn life lessons the hard way...I have no doubt that when applied again, you will find that special relationship again!!ShareFlagLikeReply

Ppaammeellaa 5ptsApr 4, 2013Love this, hoping it works for others relationships because it really would have helped in mine!ShareFlagLikeReply

greenwhitelady 5ptsApr 4, 2013After 45 years of marriage I was overcome with the wish that both he and I had come into our marriage with this list!! I still intend to implement each and every one of your suggestions for my half of this union!ShareFlagLikeReply

Lindseydeleo 5ptsApr 4, 2013Your honesty and transparency are why so many people respond to this...that and you're pretty freaking funny. I am currently LIVID with my husband and plan to go in the bedroom and tell him what I need and why he's hurting my feelings. Thank you for reminding me of that...and for reminding me to say I'm sorry for slamming the doors to our room an hour ago. ShareFlagLikeReply

SarahKIson 5pts

Apr 4, 2013Both of these articles are amazingly accurate!!! I think both men and women can learn from this. And Legally Blond for the 1st movie, Gladiator for the 2nd. Great references. :-)ShareFlagLikeReply

SMJ 5ptsApr 3, 2013Awesome advice. I too have been married twice, but my first husband died after 12 years of marriage and 2 kids. I remarried a man who is divorced and had 3 kids of his own, We have 1 child together and have been married 11 years. Your advice resonates because it is so true! I realized how much I took my late hubby for granted (and he me) after he was gone. I have learned that I have to communicate my wants and needs, my husband has no crystal ball!! Little things really do mean alot. And sometimes, I have to step back and laugh at myself. And as important as sex is, companionship is more importantShareFlagLikeReply

ZerubbabelEmunah 5ptsApr 3, 2013Dan, You asked why so many people connected with this list. I would like to respond to that with my own personal perception.Part of the human condition is that we struggle. Not one single person is immune to these struggles in life. When we see a fellow traveler struggle and then overcome, it gives us hope. It is this hope (which springs eternal) that so many people connected with. While you failed, you also learned from these failures and were willing to share what you had learned. Each one is truly a simple lesson. So simple that when another reads the failure and the lesson, he (she) thinks, "I could do that!" The moment a person thinks this, there is a connection with the writer, you.

Thanks for your willingness to be transparent with all of us!

Zer EmunahShareFlagLikeReply

BrownSugarBabe 5ptsApr 3, 2013

You're really great for being so honest. The list you've compiled is a list of ways to emotionally abuse a spouse, and how to correct it. While you've admitted your faults, I know it takes 2 to tango, and I'm sure your exes played their parts as well. Divorce is never one person's fault. My husband was very emotionally abusive for the first 8 years of our marriage, but I somehow found my voice and stood up to him and put a stop to his abuse. The last 3 years have been much better than the first 8, but we're still a work in progress. It sounds like you're sincere and I hope that some day, the opportunity of a "do-over" will present itself. :)ShareFlagLikeReply

JeanneKupsh 5ptsApr 3, 2013Awesomeness, squared! Thank you for sharing yet again!!!ShareFlagLikeReply

danoah 5pts02 Apr@heyitscassidy Dang it. I had my head under control. Now it's blown up all big and fat. ;)Reply on Twitter Retweet Favorite ShareFlagLikeReply

Marry4498 5ptsApr 3, 2013@danoah @heyitscassidy Not a bad thing taking note of your faults. This is one of the best things I have read lately. I have shared with my husband. This brought so many things home for me. Lots of things I need to work on as well as him.

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Ziziboo4 5ptsApr 2, 2013Nothing can make us more of an expert at times than experience. I commend you immensely for putting yourself out there. You have said everything I have ever wanted to say to a man! LOL This is great relationship advice for both partners in the relationship, not just the man, though. I think you should be proud of the person you have become through this life experience and be proud of the relationships you will turn around. Thank

you for allow us to share your thoughts. I have passed this along to my fiance and plan to keep passing it along to all of my friends and so on. ShareFlagLikeReply

tryingitagain 5ptsApr 2, 2013Oh, and sex. You are so right, it is really important. I think that is the first symptom of something wrong in the marriage. It is really sad that both the man and woman can use sex as a lever in the marriage. So wrong. Wont ever do it again. ShareFlagLikeReply

tryingitagain 5ptsApr 2, 2013I read your blog and could decide if I should laugh or cry. So I did both. I see me and I see my ex. I can't imagine going through divorce twice. It was bar none the most painful experience I have endured. I am after 5 years finially dating again, and have found a wonderful man, who is also divorced. I thought that I just chose the wrong man, now I think maybe it was the right man, and we let it slip away. I will refer to your writing, because its so true for both the husband and the wife. Thanks for putting out there and up close and personal. Hang in there. Some woman will be happy you did.ShareFlag

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TC 5ptsMar 28, 2013Marry me? lol.....I read every single one of your "mistakes" as I will call them. My God...how similar my 2 marriages have went. It takes a lot of maturity to admit all that. I commend you for sharing. I look back at mine as well and think "if I only....". But I didn't. And the only thing I can do now is learn from what I did and use it toward the next relationship, should there be one. I have matured as a woman in the past years and only pray one day I get a third chance. Thank you again. ShareFlag

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Forever Greatful 5ptsMar 28, 2013Thank You Soooo much. I am making some of these same mistakes right now. It is easier to see when someone else points it out. At least it's not to late! We have been together for more than 7 years. He is the most amazing man i have ever met!!! He says he is lucky to have me...let's see if i can prove it!ShareFlagLikeReply

Toby R 5ptsMar 28, 2013Fantastic list that definitely applies to all genders! You are are a courageous man indeed. The only way men are going to learn is if other men teach them. I tried very hard, and my ex-husband admitted that. I tried to teach him, take him to counselling and I divorced him after almost 30 years at the advice of a psychologist. He tried some of this crap behavior on the psychologist who wasn't putting up with it for a second. A year later, I discovered he indeed had a mistress for the last 5 years of our marriage. Having a girlfriend while married kills your marriage, even when your wife loves you and would do anything to make it work. Oh......and convincing your wife that going to stripper bars and pornography is good for your marriage is also a big mistake. I even gave up believing in God for this man and God's the best Father we could ever have. Live and Learn. I'm sharing your advice with my fiance who's beginning to display these behaviors and we aren't even married yet. He's actually farting, very loudly at the dinner table with a smirk on his face. I think it's the beginning of the end. Love your writing!!!ShareFlagLikeReply

Shawna M 5ptsMar 27, 2013It's so popular because of your honesty and transparency. There is freedom in honesty...and, like I tell my kids, EVERY experience in life has value...you either learn what to do or what NOT to do....but one is no less valuable than the other...thank you for sharing your failures. I will learn from them (some of them I already learned from my own failed marriage!)..and I know many other people will as well...ShareFlagLikeReply

ChristiTaylorKline 5ptsMar 27, 2013this is awesome..its too bad most men don't understand the concept of a do-over. it doesnt mean a second chance to do over the same shit you did that caused her to leave.

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mmpotvin26 5ptsMar 27, 2013I seriously think the best marriage advice is from people that are divorced. Most of them know exactly what they should've done or done better. I mean I look at my parents who are divorced and anyone would hate to end up in their shoes. No offense to you. To avoid ended up with a failed marriage I would ask my parents what they feel they should've done and what they wish they could change or done better. Of course, a couple that have been married for 20 years or something have good advice to make it work. That's why I'll obviously ask advice from both so I can have a successful marriage. I know what it's like to come from a broken home. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and I certainly don't want future kids to go through this either. So all that is my way of saying thank you!! :DShareFlagLikeReply

feelinglost 5ptsMar 24, 2013I really think you just saved my marriage!!! ...... from the woman's prospective I think you covered everything I have ever fought about with my husband.....trust me I know it goes both ways but at all cost I hope I can get him to read this!!! I will let you know if all this amazing, in you face, true to life drama that every couple goes through advise helps us!!!!