QUEENSLANDBUSHWALKERS

CLUB Inc.

74 Kallista Rd.Rochedale South

QLD 4123Email qldbwc@yahoo.comPhone No (07) 3341 7509

www.geocities.com/qldbwc

Newsletter December 2007

Girraween Cave In

Club NewsQBW New Meeting Place For 2008At the committee meeting on 27/11/07 it was decided to change the meeting place of the monthly QBW Club meeting. The new venue will be the Little Kings Hall at Buranda. The Little Kings Hall is on the corner of Carl and O'Keefe Streets with the entrance gate on Carl St. Our first meeting there will be on the 5th of February 2008.Club meetings will still be on the first Tuesday of the month and at the same time (7.30PM) as before. The usual exception is that there is no Club meeting in January.The classroom at East Brisbane State School has become too small and awkward for our Club's future. The Little Kings Hall is not far away from our previous venue at East Brisbane State School and was available for the first Tuesday of each month.Litlle Kings is situated near the Princess Alexandra Hospital, between Ipswich Road and the South East Freeway. The Buranda Railway Station is nearby.The Little Kings building has a large hall area with kitchen facilities. We will be able to set up chairs and tables for the meeting and then stack them up at the end. A toilet is available.At present three other bushwalking organizations have their meetings there. The Bushwalkers of Southern Queensland meet on the 2nd Tuesday, FMR on the 3rd Tuesday and BWQ usually on the 4th Thursday of the month.There is some parking in the grounds with more parking in Carl Street. Members are requested not to park under cover near the door but to leave it free for Club volunteers such as the Supper Convenor in case of rain.The gates will be locked after the meeting.

How to Get To Little Kings HallIf coming via Ipswich Road turn into Cornwall St and then turn into Carl St.If coming from the south of Brisbane and travelling north along the SE Freeway, take the Juliette St turnoff, turn left at the lights and then turn right into King St. At the T junction turn right into Cornwall St and then left into Carl St.If travelling south along the SE Freeway, take the Cornwall St turnoff and proceed to Juliette St. where you turn right. Turn right into King St. At the T junction turn right into Cornwall St and then left into Carl St.All members with email addresses will be reminded in January of the new venue. A street map will also be attached. Please notify any member without an email address of the new venue.

First Aid ReimbursementThe committee has reaffirmed that the Club will reimburse half the costs of a First Aid Course for any member who has led or is willing to lead a walk.We hope this will encourage members to become leaders. If you are willing to lead a walk please contact our Outings Officer Dave Rae on 3395 1838

New Training OfficerOur committee is now full with John Brunott taking on the position as Training Officer.John is a very experienced member and has plans for a variety of events such as Navigation learning, Leader Training and First Aid.

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General InformationMeeting PlaceClub meetings are on the first Tuesday of the month starting at 7.30PM. There is no Club meeting in January.Meeting are held at the Little Kings Hall on the corner of Carl and O'Keefe Streets, Buranda. Entry is via the gate on Carl St.There is parking within the grounds and in Carl and O'Keefe Streets.Tea/Coffee and cake/biscuits are provided after the meeting. A coin donation would be appreciated.

MembershipBefore a visitor can go on a walk, he/she must be a Member (Probationary or Ordinary) or be a member of an affiliated club.Membership fee is $30.00 and lasts till the end of the Club’s financial year which is on the 30th of June each year.Probationary MembershipA non-member automatically becomes a Probationary Member on his/her first walk after signing the waiver form. There is no fee payable to become a Probationary Member.However a Probationary Member must become an Ordinary Member on his/her 2nd walk by filling out a membership form and paying the membership fee.

Ordinary MembershipA person may become an Ordinary Member by filling out a membership form and handing the form to a committee member or walk leader and paying the membership fee.An Ordinary Member has the right to vote at an AGM or be elected to a committee position. A Probationary Member has neither of these rights.Members of Another Bushwalking ClubMembers of another bushwalking club affiliated with the Queensland Federation of Bushwalking Clubs or another State Federation are covered by the same Insurance as QBW. It is not necessary for them to become a member of our Club to go on our walks.

Equipment for Free Use By MembersCompasses EPIRBs GPS's Topo Maps

Emergency Lights First Aid Kits Sunmap

CD’s UHF Radios

Contact David at 3395 1838 or david_r_rae@optusnet.com.au

Equipment for HireAbseil Gear Back Pack

Contact Trevor at 0411 512 202There is a $5.00 charge for use of the Club rope and another $5.00 charge for use of harness and accessories.There is a $5.00 charge for hire of the back pack.

Equipment for SaleBivy Bags $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00These bivy bags are 2 metres by 0.9 metres and are bright orange in colour. Use as a pack liner or emergency bivy bag.Club Polo Shirts $20.00 eachS size left only.Space Blankets $2.50 each.Light weight and take up no room at all. A must for all walkers!

Ring Patricia Kolarski on 3341 7509.

The Management CommitteePresident Helen McAllister 3844 8464 (H)Vice President Gary Woodward 3245 2695 (H)Secretary Sandra Thomas 3711 4134 (H)Treasurer Chris Breitenbach 3870 1948 (H)Outings Officer David Rae 3395 1838 (H)Membership Officer John Hinton 3343 3724 (H)Editor Richard Kolarski 3341 7509 (H)Social Secretary Linda Hellmuth 3899 5017 (H)Training Officer John Brunott 3209 6568 (H)

Other Voluntary PositionsEquipment Officer Trevor Davern 0411 512 202Supper Convenor Mary Sherlock 3209 8514 (H)BWQ Rep Ken Walters 3344 1927 (H)BWQ Rep Richard Kolarski 3341 7509 (H)

Campsite MonitorsBarbara Makepeace Ratatat Hut

Mt Barney, Rum Jungle, Old Hut Site (& satellites) and East PeakSpicer’s/Double Top saddle

Kerry de Clauzel Throakban, Barney Gorge andLower Portals

Richard Kolarski Running Creek FallsAnn Kemp Spicers PeakJohn Brunott Ballows

Creature Feature

Carpet Snake

This Carpet Snake (Morelia spilota) was seen on the Warrie Circuit.Carpet Snakes are pythons and are non-venomous. They are active day and night. They have backwardly curved solid teeth but no hollow fangs. They kill their prey by constriction.Habitat is widespread including rainforest, wet or dry eucalypt forest, heathland, pasture and urban areas.It mainly feeds on mammals and birds, and occasionally lizards. They locate warm-blooded prey by means of heat sensitive pits located along the lower jaw.Individuals differ in temperament. Some hiss loudly and strike when approached, whereas others will allow themselves to be handled. Although non-venomous, this snake can sometimes bite if provoked, especially a female protecting her nest.The bite can cause lacerations and tetanus protection is recommended.

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Coming EventsTasman Peninsula and Maria Island WalksEast Coast of Tasmania January/February 2008On the Tasman Peninsula there are a number of walks which take in the 3 Capes. These walks are the Tasman Coastal walk, Cape Pillar, Cape Raoul and Ships Stern Track. The first two can be combined as a through walk of 3 -5 days depending on where the start and ends are. Cape Raoul and the Ships Stern are day walks accessible only by private transport.Maria Island is to the east of Triabunna. It is a largely untouched island of sandy beaches, rugged coastline, mountains, forest and geology including the Painted Cliffs and the Fossil Cliffs near Darlington.A base camp can be setup at Darlington and then by using mountain bikes or walking the length of the Island can be explored.Contact David Rae 33951838 if you are interested in the above walks.

Larapinta Trail 19 July 2008 – 3 August 2008Two weeks of walking the 223 kilometre Larapinta Trail. This walking track runs from Alice Springs west to Mount Sonder along the backbone of the West MacDonnell Ranges. It visits the major tourist features like Simpsons Gap, Standley Chasm and Ormiston Gorge as well as many other features along the range.The Trail takes in a variety of desert habitats as it meanders through many gaps and sheltered gorges, climbs steeply over the rugged ranges, and has numerous stunning views of the spectacular landscape.Contact Mary Sherlock Ph No 3209 8514 for more information.

Hinchinbrook Island, Thorsborne Trail T/W19-26 July 20085 days walking South to North along the Thorsborne Trail.For more information contact Patricia at the Club Meeting or Phone 3341 7509.

For SaleMacpac Nautilus tent $280.002 person, 2.6kg, double vestibule

Ring Linda 3899 5017

New MembersDavid Bird

As at 27/11/2007 we have 93 financial members

Comings and GoingsLynn N, John M and Judy J have returned from their overseas trip to Turkey.Richard K has returned from Ethiopia after doing a trek in the Simien Mountains. A walk to the highest peak in Ethiopia was a highlight.Esther D. is going to South America and do a trek in Patagonia.

From the EditorI hope you enjoy this bumper December edition of the Newsletter with its two pages of Jokes. Many thanks to those who sent them in.A reminder that there will be no Newsletter in January. The next Newsletter will be available early February.

Training QuizHow to decide the best route from one point to another.There are a number of factors to consider when deciding a route by looking at a topographic map. Last month we had a look at following ridges and creeks to get to a particular spot. Here are some further things to consider.It may be easier to go to a more prominent or more easily locatable feature first and then head to the final destination. This prominent feature could be a track, rocky outcrop, a saddle, a peak or a creek junction near the desired destination. This also makes the final navigation from the prominent feature to the end destination easier as you know definitely where you are and the direction to travel.A useful hint especially if trying to find a car along a road is to deliberately aim to the right or left of it. When you arrive at the road, you will know definitely whether to turn left or right to get to the car.Marked tracks, fence lines, stream beds, ridges or other prominent features which go in the general direction you wish to travel may be easier to follow, ease any scrub bashing especially in the case of tracks and make navigation simpler.Progress in rainforest is notoriously slow. Visibility is limited and the lack of views in rainforest makes navigation that much harder. There may be rough undergrowth and progress can slow down to one kilometre an hour. There may also be a tendency to overestimate distance travelled due to the slow progress. Overall, it may be better to follow the most direct compass route rather than navigating feature to feature in rainforest.If the route lies across several ravines or deep gullies, it is often less tiring and quicker to detour above them. The best route choice becomes a toss-up between the extra energy required to climb high above the gullies and the difficulty in descending into and out of the gullies.You may contour round a small peak to avoid the height gain, but walking on the slope of a hill can be tiring on the feet. It may be better to just go up and over the small peak.I hope you have found the above helpful.This ends the Training Quiz.

ScrogginMacquarie Dictionary: a mixture of dried fruits, nuts, etc., used as a light but sustaining food by bushwalkers.Ingredients:SultanasChocolateRaisinsOrange peel (candied)Glucose (barley sugars or the like)Ginger (crystallized)Imagination (anything you like)Nuts (any kind, roasted is ok but not salted)Instructions:Mix together chocolate, raisins and nuts in about equal amounts, add whatever extras you like (in lesser amounts) and nibble at it when you need an energy boost on walks. You can leave out things you don't like and add in things you do, e.g. jelly beans and smarties. Some of the other extras sometimes added are: dried apricots, dried apples, banana chips, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds mints, lollies, jubes, snakes. Make sure you keep a balance of chocolate, nuts and raisins in there though. Otherwise you can't really call it scroggin.OriginIt's a bushwalking tradition. Three dictionaries all say origin uncertain. The "Oxford Dictionary of NZ English" gives the first mention of it in the Tararua Tramper of 7 March 1940.GORP is an alternative name standing for Good Old Raisins and Peanuts. Another name is just plain trail mix.

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Past WalksPaddy's Peak 15 August 2007Nine of us met up in Beaudesert for this walk near Mt Barney. Amongst the group were Fran who was visiting us from Victoria plus a visitor from Sydney.We drove down to Drynan's Hut and we all had a look at the topographic map. I explained to everyone that this walk was a bit of an exploratory because even though I had done parts of this walk before, I was trying to find an easier way compared to the routes I had taken before.We started along the access road to Mt Barney NP and crossed Mt Barney Creek which was just a trickle due to the drought. Immediately after the crossing we headed up a ridge to the south and on reaching it had views of Mt Barney Creek Gorge and Mt Barney.Our route now was to follow this ridge which should lead us to Paddy's Peak. It was easy walking along the gentle sloping ridge and the open forest gave us great views to the south. After about an hour we had a rest for drinks and then continued on following a faint track on the ridge. After walking through some thick bush we came upon Paddy's Peak much sooner than I had expected. This indeed was a much more straight forward way to get to it.

Paddy's Crew

It was much too soon for lunch so we scrambled down a slope to the east to get to a large dry waterfall. Along the way we passed through a lovely forest of grass trees. We then contoured round to get to a rocky outcrop on the other side of the gully. From the top of this outcrop we had magnificent views of Mt Barney and Mt Maroon. It was an ideal spot for lunch.The next section was also an exploratory as we headed down another slope to meet up with the forestry road to the north. This also turned out to be an easy exercise and I was well pleased that I had finally found an easy access route to Paddy's Peak.Following the forestry road back to the cars we did a short detour to have a look at another waterfall in Paddy's Gully. An afternoon tea at Beaudesert finished the day nicely.Many thanks to all who came along for this walk. Richard

Flinders Peak 18 August 2007Nine of us met up at Yamanto near Ipswich for the short drive to the Flinders Plum picnic area where our walk began.The first part of the walk followed a broad open path but as we progressed, the trail climbed some steep slopes and a rocky ridge, where we stopped for a morning tea break.While this is not a long walk, it is quite steep, so many in the group took the opportunity for frequent rest stops while others were keen to bound ahead. However, we helped each other to scramble up a gravelly gully close to the top.It took about 2 hours for everyone to reach the summit where we were rewarded with spectacular views in all directions, and time to relax over an early lunch.

Flinders Peak

A wooden platform at the top was utilised for a bit of bush-dancing practice for the upcoming pilgrimage!The walk down was uneventful and quicker than the walk up. Then it was back to Yamanto McCafe for coffee and cake and an early arrival home. Thanks to all participants for a short but pleasant day out. Helen M

Glass House Mtns – Tibrogargan 19 August 2007The Glass House Mountains are west of the old highway between the townships of Beerburrum and Beerwah, about one hours’ drive north of Brisbane.We met at the Mt Tibrogargan carpark which is off Barrs Road. The day was a little overcast but perfect for a walk!! Everyone was early and eager to go. Started our walk by going down Trachyte circuit which is approx 5.8 km return from the carpark.The track is through open woodland and heath between Mt Tibrogargan and Mt Tibberoowuccum.We had good views from the Jack Ferris lookout. Walking along the track was pleasant. However, a few stray motorcyclists spoilt the serenity. The walking tracks are certainly not for motorbikes.Back at the picnic area we settled down for a break and snacks. Also an opportunity to check out the skies overhead. It was decided that we would carry on regardless.We backtracked up the hill to do the Tibrogargan circuit and shortly after we had a spot of rain which hurried us along. The track leads around the base of Mt Tibrogargan through casuarinas groves, open eucalypt and melaleuca forests.As we came down back towards the carpark the heavens opened up again – so quickly back to the cars.Coffee anyone? Great – off to the Wander Inn which is located near the Glass House Mountains lookout. Under new management again – a warm welcome. Thank you for joining us. See YOU on the next walk.

Bob & Danuta

Mt Greville 25 August 2007Finally the real thing! After all the preparatory walks I had done, the Pilgrimage had arrived and I had nine people from various clubs doing the walk. One of them was from New Zealand who had seen the Pilgrimage web site and had decided to come over and check us out!It had rained heavily for a few days prior to the Pilgrimage and so the route decided was to go up the ridge and come down Palm Gorge. Going up Waterfall Gorge was in my opinion too risky as it would have increased the amount of walking on slippery rocks plus there was a steep exposed section where we may have needed to use a rope.Arriving at the car park at Mt Maroon we were surprised to see a large group of walkers about to start. It turned out that they were a group of American students doing a short stint in Australia and this walk was part of their studies.

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My group began the ascent of the ridge while the students took the Palm Gorge route up. The day was overcast and as we gained height we could see rain squalls in the distance. The summit of Mt Maroon in the distance was shrouded in cloud and we wondered how that walk was going. Fortunately it did not rain on my parade today.We had morning tea about half way up and we could see the students just above us also having their morning tea, having just emerged from Palm Gorge.At the summit we had a long rest at the lookout as we named the various mountains in the Main Range and surrounds. It was still too early for lunch so we descended to Palm Gorge.

Palm Gorge

The Gorge was again spectacular and we had several stops to take photos. We had lunch about half way down just after one of my walkers had a fall. Luckily he wasn't injured badly, just a bit sore. After lunch it was a straightforward walk out to the cars and return to Kalbar showgrounds for a well earned coffee and hot shower.Thank you to all who came on my walk. Richard

Gwyala Peak 1 September 2007Having never been up Gwyala Peak this was always going to be an exploratory. I had heard from others that there was a large amount of scunge going to the peak but I needed to check it out for myself.Seven of us met early at Gil's place before setting out to Cleared Ridge, the start of the walk. Luckily we had 2 4WD's to take us up there as the road was dirt, bumpy and steep in places.We set off along the road and in about an hour we were at Mt Barney Creek just above the Upper Portals. After crossing it we looked around and found a faint track leading uphill on Gwyala Peak.The initial walking was a steady uphill climb, not difficult but there were a few trees fallen over and we had to scramble round them. No sign of the scunge yet. However I had two new people on the walk and they found the going awkward with the steady climbing and the heat. The going was slow with frequent stops.

After about an hour of walking uphill and checking with the GPS it was evident that we would run out of time to reach the summit. After conferring with the others we decided to turn back and do an alternate walk.In the end this turned out to be a good decision as Steve's boot threw a sole. Patricia had some duct tape to keep it together but this would not have lasted long in rough terrain.

Not Gwyala Peak!

Back at Mt Barney Creek we went to the Upper Portals. The water was crystal clear and the rapids a beautiful sight. Here we had a long lunch and just enjoyed the moment.Though we did not get to the summit of Gwyala Peak, or anywhere near it, I had a better idea on how to proceed next time. Though I may have failed this time, I lived to fight the scunge another day.Many thanks to all who came along. Richard

Burnett Creek Exploratory 15 September 2007I had not been up into the Burnett Creek area since Easter 1995 and that time I’d come in from the Burnett Creek Road so I thought it might be interesting to come in from New South Wales. There were only five of us on the walk and all being good off track walkers we were going to be in for a very good day.I had looked at the map and noted a good ridge going down into the creek from the border so I thought that might be a good access point. To get there we had to take the drive down the Lindesay Highway to Woodenbong and turn off onto the Lindesay Creek Road.We parked at the locked gate of the rabbit fence service road and walked the 4 Km. up the road to the Junction, which is about half way between Mt. Clunie and Mt. Ballow and the point where the border rabbit fence cuts across N.S.W. to Mt. Lindesay. This is a bit of a pain as the road is neither steep nor rough and it would have been good if we could have driven up it.From this point we followed the border tick fence for about 1 Km. towards Mt. Ballow to a knoll which was the start of the ridge leading into Burnett Creek. After a short break to recover from the heat after walking up the road we started down the fairly broad ridge which eventually splits into two distinctive ridges. I decided to take the right hand ridge which brought us down into the creek nearer to Burnett Creek Gorge which was our destination.There was a fair bit of scratchy regrowth and lantana near the top of the ridge due to past logging which slowed our progress and we came to some unexpected steep terrain and after a bit of navigational adjustment were soon back on track. We took our morning tea break on the top of a knoll after which we commenced the final steep descent into the creek.Tagging the entry point in case we had to come out the same way we headed up the creek and after a little while started entering into the gorge which is quite spectacular. This appears to be caused by the creek cutting through a layer of sandstone with large boulders embedded. It would be interesting to know the geological origins of this area.

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On a bend in the creek where the water flow had cut a large rock overhang we could go no further because of a deep waterhole and waterfall blocking progress into the gorge proper so we stopped for lunch.After lunch we returned down the creek where John Brunott nearly lost a delicate part of his reproductive anatomy as he had made a rash bet on how far we were from the entry markers I had placed earlier. All I can say is he was lucky we didn’t shake on it. We decided to continue down the creek to the next major creek junction where we could take a shot ridge back up to the border rabbit fence. Although the map showed this junction was only about 1 Km. down the creek it seemed to take a hell of a long time to reach it even though we seemed we were making good progress.We eventually reached the junction and made the steep climb out back to the rabbit fence though the last 150 metres or so were through some very thick vine scrub which slowed progress to a tedious rate. From there it was just a long walk back to the cars. Thanks to all those who came on the walk and it was good to see Bob Hammelswang going so well on the walk after his serious accident and injury earlier in the year. David Kenrick

Girraween B/C 20-23 September 2007The majority of our little band of adventurers was from QBW with two friends from the Gold Coast Bushwalkers Club. Some came early and set up camp on the Thursday.Friday’s outing included a drive from the Castle Rock campgrounds to the south via Wallangarra and then on to Bald Rock. The walk started with a quick ascent of Bald Rock. From here we observed a number of bush fires well into NSW and heading in an easterly direction. From here we travelled south to South Bald Rock. We explored rock structures to the south of the main feature.

Girraween

Mindful of the time, we commenced our return journey along the dirt road. For a considerable distance our view to the east was blocked by granite outcrops. We suddenly noticed a large pall of smoke rising above the rocks from the east. We then had concerns to return to the vehicle as quickly as possible to ensure that we were not cut off by spreading bushfires. However, the breeze was only slight, unlike the day before when there were 60 knot winds.Upon our return to the camp grounds we welcomed the new arrivals during the evening.

Saturday was the highlight. Our first port of call was Mt Norman. There we explored various rock structures and then climbed to the top for a commanding view.From Mt Norman we went off track to Mallee Ridge and explored the magnificent panorama leading to the entrance of the ‘Valley of the Winds’.I can not help but wonder how it got its name. Being so close to the border had it been a conduit to transmit hot or cold atmosphere between the states. From a base perspective I think it more likely that it might relate to happy bands of bushwalkers who might pass through after having had a delicious breakfast of baked beans. Either way it is a place that can take your breath away.Following this we navigated through a bit of roughage across the creek line and onto the next ridge. Some added excitement came with the company of an electrical storm and some hail. We enjoyed the brief benefit of an accommodating cave before moving on when if fined up. After a brief visit to the ‘Shark Fin’ rock complex we moved through the features to the north and met up with the track for a comfortable walk home to camp.Sunday provided a nice easy outing to Sphinx and Turtle Rock. At Turtle we explored the cave and surrounding structures. We then climbed to the top of Turtle for a good look see.I would like to thank everybody who came along as it is because of their involvement that made it as special as it was. It can be best summed up from a thank you note from one of our friends at the coast, “Wonderful times with people that are so friendly and helpful”. Trevor D

Mt Cougal 29 September 2007Just four of us gathered at Logan Hyperdome for this walk on a very warm September day. From here it was a fairly long drive down the Pacific Motorway, up the Currumbin Valley, over Tomewin Mountain and along the road to the "Garden of Eden" where our walk began.Navigation was easy, as all we had to do was follow the border fence, but the path varied greatly depending on whose land we were on. Early on we crawled through a tunnel in the lantana, then spread out across a wide cleared road, then carefully avoided the barbed wire along a narrow path through the rainforest beside the fence. Any time we stopped, the mozzies descended on us in droves, but they didn't seem to be the biting kind.The path became steeper after we entered the National Park, and eventually the fence stopped at a small cliff close to the summit, where we veered off to contour around the mountain and scramble up some steep rocky sections to reach the east peak.

The Cougals

It was probably a good thing we only had a small group, as the summit is quite small with not a lot of shade to shelter under on a hot day, but the views were quite spectacular.We returned to the car the same way we had come along the fence, and retreated to the courtyard of the Crystal Cottage for coffee and scones with jam and cream. A special thanks goes to John Morris for driving all the way. Helen

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DISCLAIMERBy viewing the content of Jokes in the QBW Newsletter, you accept the exclusion of warranty. Please read the following text very carefully, and in any case of doubt, take a green pill and contact your psychiatrist immediately.Jokes is distributed in the hope that it will be funny, but WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY, either expressed or implied, including, but not limited to, the implied warranty of FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. Because the author of Jokes is a mentally challenged humour freak, Jokes may have malformed content, including, but not limited to, bad humor, incorrect information, not funny jokes, sarcasm, horrible errors, a script that cracks your glasses or other device you use for reading. The entire risk as to the quality of Jokes is with you. Should Jokes prove defective, you assume the cost of all necessary medication, doctor's visits or mental hospital.In no event will the author of Jokes be liable to you for damages, including any general, special, incidental or consequential damages arising out of the reading or inability to read Jokes (including, but not limited to, the end of the world, the crash of your computer or somebody getting hit by a truck), even if the author has been advised of the possibility of not funny humor and incorrect data in Jokes.You have been warned!

JokesOne day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."So he tied her up and went fishing.A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.""Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroid's.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quattro sinko.What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Does this taste funny to you?"Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with everything." The cashier replies "That'll be $9.50". Buddha hands him a ten dollar note but doesn't get any change. He asks, "Where's my change?" and the cashier replies, "Change must come from within".Did you hear about the guy who had to quit his job at the orange juice factory? He wasn't able to concentrate.A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew? They were marooned. Patient: Doctor, I can’t stop singing ‘Delilah’ and ‘The Green Green Grass of Home’. What is wrong with me?Doctor: I believe you have what is known as the Tom Jones Syn-drome. Patient: The Tom Jones Syndrome? My God, is that rare?Doctor: It’s not unusual.Two cows are standing in a pasture. The first cow says, "Have you heard about this new mad cow disease?" The second cow says, "I don't care, I'm a helicopter!"A termite walks into a bar and says, (Is the bar tender here?”I love cats...they taste just like chicken.Ambivalent? Well yes and no....Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.Be nice to your kids...They pick your nursing home.He's not dead. He’s electroencephalographically challenged.A lady who goes camping with a man must beware of evil intent.A man who wants a pretty nurse must be patient.A man who keeps his feet firmly on the ground has trouble putting on his pants.A man who runs behind a bus will get exhausted.A man who leaps off a cliff is jumping to a conclusion.A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife "what's the problem?" She responds " My husband suffers from bad breath." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well no, not exactly. She suffers, not me."

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Disorder in the CourtThese are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters. Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: What is your date of birth?A: July 15th.Q: What year?A: Every year.Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes.Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget.Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.Q: How long has he lived with you?A: Forty-five years.Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"Q: And why did that upset you?A: My name is Susan.Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?A: We both do.Q: Voodoo?A: We do.Q: You do?A: Yes, voodoo.Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?A: Yes.Q: And what were you doing at that time?Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None. Q: Were there any girls?Q: How was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Can you describe the individual?A: He was about medium height and had a beard.Q: Was this a male, or a female?Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar regionQ: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Actual Medical Chart NotesJust to prove that doctors can be just as dumb as lawyers, these are things doctors actually wrote down.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.On the second day the knee was better and then on the third, it disappeared.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.The patient refuses autopsy.The patient has no previous history of suicides.Patient has left white cells at another hospital.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last three days.She is numb from her toes down.Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical therapy.Skin: somewhat pale but pleasant.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Computer VirusesTitanic virus Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus Quits after one byte. Prozac virus Messes up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Woody Allen virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. X-files virus All your Icons start shapeshifting. Spice Girl virus Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Ronald Reagan virus Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Martha Stewart virus Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Viagra virus Expands your hard drive, while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

Greeting Cards Rejected By Hallmark:"Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...What was I thinking?""Congratulations on your wedding day!...Too bad no one likes your wife.""I've always wanted to have someone to love...After having met you, I've changed my mind.""I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...I never believed in Hell until I met you.""As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...That you're not here to ruin it for me.""You look great for your age...Almost lifelike""I'm so miserable without you...It's almost like you're here."

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