12 Signs You are Codependent

12 Signs You Are

Codependent

Now Fix Your Relationship 2

©NOW Fix Your Relationship (Striving Styles), 2016 2

12 Signs Your Relationship Apparatus is Broken

D espite doing all you can to hold your relationship together, and everything you’ve sacrificed to make it work, it’s still dysfunctional and you're still miserable. In fact, the more you try to “fix”

your partner, or figure out new ways of approaching him to change his behavior or get your needs met, the worse it seems to get.

Frustrating isn’t it? That’s because while you are busily trying to fix him and fix the relationship, you should be fixing what’s broken in your brain. We call it YOUR RELATIONSHIP APPARATUS. A broken Relationship Apparatus causes us to behave in ways that are foreign to our AUTHENTIC SELF.

Here are the 12 signs your Relationship Apparatus is broken. This shows you are stuck in a Codependent Relationship Position and what you can do about it!



YOU DUMB YOURSELF DOWN You may be a dynamo at work and with your friends, but when you're with him, “cat’s got your tongue.” You look admiringly at him when he speaks and encourage him to take center stage so he feels okay. When you do speak, you edit what you say or rush through so as not to anger your partner by taking up too much space. You let him speak about things you’re an expert on, and defer to him in disagreements.

YOU AGREE WITH HIS INSULTS Just because he tells you you’re stupid or clumsy doesn’t make him right. He likes to look helpful, but sometimes he does it in a way that makes you feel incompetent. You start second guessing yourself and look to him for the answers. Others can’t believe you let him treat you the way he does because you would never let anyone else. You start believing that you aren’t as capable as you thought you were.

YOU LET YOURSELF BE DEVALUED

While you act like your partner’s the “prize”, chances are YOU ARE. You’re so afraid they’ll be upset with you for talking about your achievements that you de-value yourself or let them make mean comments that embarrass you in front of family and friends. They might be openly sexual with you, grabbing you or

treating you like a possession. You seethe inside but don’t say anything. Spending time on the defensive just waiting for the next jab saps your energy.




YOU MAKE HIM DEPEND ON YOU Amazing how the relationship started out with two adults and suddenly you’re the one being the adult. From creating a budget to making lunches, you take care of everything. Do you really believe that if you make yourself indispensable to him, he won’t leave you? This is messed up. Why is he sitting watching baseball while you’re cleaning the house?

YOU”RE A VICTIM OR MARTYR You complain that he never makes you feel special or wants to listen to your issues and experiences. You

complain about how long suffering you are, because surely you should be sainted for what you put up with. Funny that when anyone tries to give you some insight into your part in the relationship issue, you feel wounded, misunderstood or victimized by the suggestion that you might play a role in your own problems.

YOU INFLATE HIS EGO You think it helps your relationship when you agree with him just to prop him up? It doesn’t. It’s not your job to inflate his ego, although he sure doesn’t like it when you don’t. You are so afraid his fragile ego will be bruised that you walk on eggshells around him.

Afraid he might get angry, or the truth will hurt his feelings, you make things up to praise him about. Regardless of how you rationalize it, you are being inauthentic to protect yourself.




YOU WON’T GET HELP Despite complaining about your so -called partner, you won’t take advice from friends and family. You insist it’s him that needs help, not you, so you won’t see a therapist. You make excuses for him like “he’s just having a hard time. Try to be more understanding.” You lie for him, or stop telling the real story of how bad it is. You don’t see any problem with you. After all, you act like a superhero most of the time, so how can there be anything wrong!

YOU LACK BOUNDARIES You’ve convinced yourself he’s the one, which means

that if he has as itch you need to scratch it. If he needs money, you supply it. And if he loses his temper, you must have caused it. Amazing what a great fit you are. He takes and you give. You get to a point where you don’t know your own needs any more. You keep thinking that he will see how hard you work for him and, at least, appreciate it. Not much chance of that happening!

YOU FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS You think more about his feelings and needs than your own. He can be intolerable at times, but you always try to make him feel better. You read books to

help him cope with anxiety. You suggest he see a therapist for his anger management. Does he listen to you? Not a chance. He acts out his emotions without regard for the impact it has on you. You rehearse how to say things to him so he doesn’t get mad at you. It’s hard to believe you are that spunky gal that makes things happen at work.




YOU PLAN FOR HIM He doesn’t like planning and is content to stay home and watch TV. You believe he is brimming with potential and capable of so much more in his career and life. You scour the internet for courses for him to take and talk to him about what he should do in the future. While he seems to be in agreement, he actually never enrolls in anything or brings up the topic on his own. You do this at the expense of planning your own career path.

YOU HATE BEING WITHOUT HIM No one likes themselves when they get all clingy and possessive, but you can’t help yourself. You can’t bear the feeling of being alone, and discourage it with lots of emotion added. In fact, it ’s not unusual for you to pitch a fit when he wants to go out and do something without you. You think his friends are idiots and sulk when he spends time with them. This doesn’t make you more loveable to your partner. Nagging them to be with you is not an attractive quality, nor is crying all the time.

YOU DON’T FEEL ENTITLED Your guy probably believes he’s entitled to ask you for everything and expects you to be his mother, cleaner, laundress, fan club, sex goddess and therapist. You on the other hand, don’t expect anything in return. It ’s just too easy for you to say “yes” than to suffer the hurt you feel when he refuses to pull his weight at home. If you think he’s going to suddenly jump up and help you because you’re tired, forget about it!




10-Step Relationship Fix Fixing your Relationship Apparatus is done over a period of time and can’t be rushed. You have to make sure you give yourself enough time to go through all of the 10 Steps, doing the exercises and the practice. Spend time thinking about yourself. Resist the impulse to think about how you can use this to help your partner. This Program is for you and works best when you build tolerance to focusing on your own needs and skill development.

Here are a few things you’ll learn to do repair your Relationship Apparatus:

Stop looking outside yourself for validation.

Stop blaming others for not treating you the way you

want to be treated.

Stop waiting for your partner to change.

Stop hoping that by meeting his needs you’ll get your

needs met.

Stop using submissive, avoidant, adaptive or dominant

behaviors to get your needs met.



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sure you change your brain.

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About the Author Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D. Author, Therapist, Relationship Coach, Speaker

Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D, brings a lifetime of

study, “psychological savvy” and hands-on

clinical experience to helping people

achieve their potential. Her interest in

creating mental health coupled with her

interest in personality systems and the

dynamics of human behavior has

influenced the NOW Fix Your Relationship

Program and the development of Striving

Styles® Personality System.

Anne is deeply committed to helping people

develop self-awareness by understanding

their personality structure, needs and

behavior and how their conditioning impacts their ability to thrive. She is both

influential and inspirational, touching the

lives of her clients, friends and family in a

profound way. She is generous with her

guidance which she delivers directly and

pragmatically, so you clearly understand

what you need to do. Those closest to her

will attest to the fact that she is never

wrong with her insights.

She is the author of NOW Fix Your

Relationship, the co author of Who Are You

Meant to Be? and the developer of the

NOW Fix Your Relationship Program. Anne

also provides Relationship Coaching and is

available to speak to groups about

codependence and how to fix their

Relationship Apparatus.

mailto:[email protected]?subject=I%20want%20to%20fix%20my%20relationship%20NOW



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12 Signs You are Codependent

Lifestyle

Transcript of 12 Signs You are Codependent