1001 Jokes

download 1001 Jokes

of 89

Transcript of 1001 Jokes

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    1/89

    1001Jokes

    AfewyearsagoRichardWisemanwentinsearchoftheworld'sfunniestjoke.Theresultsaredescribedinhisbook,Quirkology.Herearethefirst

    1001cleanjokessubmittedintothedatabase.Enjoy.....

    37 Isittruethatcannibalsdon'teatclownsbecausetheytastefunny?38 Whatkindofpigcanyouignoreataparty?Awildbore. 39 Whatkindofmurdererhasfiber?Acerealkiller.44 Amanwalkingdownthestreetsseesanothermanwithaverybigdog.Onemansaystotheother,"Doesyourdogbite",themanreplies"Nomydogdoesn't"Themanpatsthedogandhashishandbittenoff,"Ithoughtyousaidyourdogdidn'tbite"saidtheinjuredman."Thatsnotmydog",repliedtheother. 45 Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenashopingtrolleyandaUniversityvicechancellor?A:Youfillthembothupwithasmuchfoodandalcoholyoucan,butit'sonlytheshoppingtrolleythathasamindofitsown.

    46 Q.Howdoyoucatchapolarbear?A.Youcutaholeintheiceandyouputpeasallroundtheedgeandwhenthepolarbearcomesalongandstopsforapea,youkickitintheicehole. 47 WhydoMarxistslikefruitinfusions?Becauseallproperteaistheft! 48 Whatwasborntosucceed?Abudgiewithabluntbeak.

    49 Threebudgiesinacage,oneonthetopperch,oneonthemiddleandoneonthebottomperch.WhichBudgieownsthecage?Theoneonthebottomperch,theothertwoareonhigherperches. 50 whatdoyoucallaflywithnowings?awalk.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    2/89

    51 Whatdoyoucallateacherwithnoarms,nolegs,andnobody?TheHead... 52 Q:Whyshouldyouneverironafourleafclover?A:Youshouldneverpressyourluck!

    53 What'sETshortfor?Becausehe'sgotlittlelegs. 54 An8-year-oldgirlwenttoherdad,whowasworkingintheyard.Sheaskedhim,"Daddy,whatissex?"Thefatherwassurprisedthatshewouldasksuchaquestion,butdecidesthatifsheisoldenoughtoaskthequestion,thensheisoldenoughtogetastraightanswer.Heproceededtotellherallaboutthe'birdsandthebees'.Whenhefinishedexplaining,thelittlegirlwaslookingathimwith

    hermouthhangingopen.Thefatheraskedher,"Whydidyouaskthisquestion?"Thelittlegirlreplied,"Momtoldmetotellyouthatdinnerwouldbereadyinjustacoupleofsecs." 55 Didyouhearabouttheice-creamman,hewasfounddeadinhisice-creamvan,coveredinchocolatesauceandhundreds-and-thousands?Thepolicesaidthathehad?topped?himself. 56 Whatliesonthebottomoftheoceanandshakes?Anervouswreck.

    57 Twocannibalsaresittingaroundeatingaclown.Oneclownsaystotheother,"Doesthistastefunnytoyou?" 58 Apieceofstraight,cleanstringgoesintoabarandordersaginandtonic.Thebarmanservesthedrink,thestringdownsitandwalksout.Tenminuteslateradirty,twisted,raggedpieceofstringwalksintothebar."Here-areyouthatpieceofstringthatwasheretenminutesago?"asksthebarman-"No"repliesthestring"I'mafrayedknot" 59 therearethesetwosausagessizzlinginafryingpan.theoneturnstotheotherandsays"gees,it'shotinhere"andthesecondoneturnsaroundandgoes"AAAAH!,atalkingsausage".

    60 Q-whatdidthegrapesaywhentheelephanttrodonit?A-Nothing,itjustgavealittlewine. 61 AmanwalksintoabarandisabouttoorderadrinkwhenhenoticesVanGoghplayingthefruitmachine.Hecallsover,"Hey,VanGogh!Wantadrink?"andVanGoghreplies,"Nothanks.I'vegotone'ere."

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    3/89

    62 Thereweretwocowsinafield.Onesaid"moo",theotheronesaid"Iwasgoingtosaythat!" 64 WhatdidthelandlordsayashethrewShakespeareoutofhispub?"You'reBard!"

    65 AthreeleggeddogwalksintoaSaloonintheWildWest,thebarmanaskshimwhathewants.Thedogreplies"I'mlookingfothemanthatshotmypaw" 66 TwoowlsareplayinginthefinaloftheOwlPoolChampionship.Itcomesdowntothelastframe.Oneoftheowlsisjustabouttoplayhisshot,whenhiswingaccidentallytouchesaball."That'stwohits,"saystheotherowl."Twohitstowho?"saysthefirst.

    67 Anatomwalksintoabarandasksthebartenderifhe'sseenhismissingelectron."Areyousureshe'smissing",asksthebartender."I'mpositive",repliestheatom.(thisisdefinitelyajokeforscience-mindedpeopleonly)68 Patient:"DoctorIkeephearing"Thegreen,greengrassofhome"inmyhead.Doctor:"That'scalledtheTomJonesSyndrome"Patient:"Isitcommon?"Doctor:"It'snotunusual 69 Twoaerialsmetonaroof,fellinloveandgotmarried.

    Theceremonywasrubbishbutthereceptionwasbrilliant. 70 Didyouhearaboutthedyslexicagnosticinsomniac?HeusedtolieawakeatnightwonderingiftherewasaDog! 71 Whatdoyoucalladonkeywith3legs?AWonky 72 What?sbrownandsticky?Astick

    73 Ahorsewalksintoabar.Thebartendersays:"Whythelongface?" 74 ABuddhistwalksuptoahotdogvendorandsays"Makemeonewitheverything." 75 Amushroomwalksintoabar.Thebartendersaystothemushroom."Heywedon'tserveyourkindhere."Themushroomsays"whynotI'mafunguy" 76 Whatdidthemayonnaisesaytotherefrigerator?

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    4/89

    "Closethedoor!Can'tyouseeI'mdressing?" 77 PATIENT..Doctor,peoplekeepignoringme.DOCTOR...Nextplease.

    78 Q.What'sthedifferencebetweenabuffaloandabison?A.Youcan'twashyourhandsinabuffalo.79 -HowlongdidCainhatehisbrother?-?-Aslongashewasable... 80 Agradstudent,apost-doc,andaprofessorarewalkingthroughacityparkandtheyfindanantiqueoillamp.TheyrubitandaGeniecomesoutinapuffofsmoke.TheGeniesays,"Iusuallyonlygrantthreewishes,soI'llgiveeachofyoujustone.""Mefirst!Mefirst!"saysthegradstudent."IwanttobeintheBahamas,drivingaspeedboat

    withagorgeouswomanwhosunbathestopless."Poof!He'sgone."Menext!Menext!"saysthepost-doc."IwanttobeinHawaii,relaxingonthebeachwithaprofessionalhuladancerononesideandaMaiTaiontheother."Poof!He'sgone."You'renext,"theGeniesaystotheprofessor.Theprofessorsays,"Iwantthoseguysbackinthelabafterlunch."81 Apenguinwalksintoastoreandaskstheteller,"Doyouhaveanygrapes?""No."Hereplies.Thissamethinghappensthenextday.Onthethirddaythetellerreplies,"No,andifyoucomeinaskingforgrapesagainIwillnailyourflipperstothefloor!"Onthenextthepenguinwalksinandasks,"Gotanynails?"No."Repliestheteller."Gotanygrapes!"Thepenguinasks!

    82 "Igotthatjobdownthebowlingalley","Whattenpin","Noit'spermanent" 83 Amangoesintothedoctorwithapenguinonhishead.Thedoctorsays"WhatcanIdoforyou?"andthepenguinsays"welldoc,itstartedasthisgrowthonmyfoot..." 84 Amangoestothedoctorandsays"Doctor,ithurtswhenIdothis",andraiseshisarm."Well,don'tdoitthen",saysthedoctor. 86 Q:DidyouhearabouttheIceCreamSalesmanthatwasfounddeadinhisstore

    coveredinchocolatesauceandsyrup?A:Policethinkhetoppedhimself!87 Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?2-1toholdthegiraffeandonetofillthebathtubwithbrightlycolouredmachinetools.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    5/89

    88 Threevampiresaresittingatabar.Bartenderasksthefirstonewhathewants."IthinkI'llhaveaglassofblood.""Okay,what'llyouhave?"heasksthesecondvampire."Thatsoundsgood.I'llhaveaglassofbloodtoo.""AndwhatcanIgetforyou?"heasksthethirdvampire."I'llhaveaglassofplasma"saidthethirdvampire."Okay,"saidthebartender,"That'stwobloodsandabloodlight,then."

    89 Apolarbearwalksintoabarandthebarmansays,"whatwouldyouliketodrink?".Thepolarbearhangshisheadandsighsdeeplyandthensayss"I'llhaveapintofbitterbarman".Thebarmanlooksatthebearandsays"whythebigpaws?" 90 Whatdoesanagnostic,dyslexic,insomniacdo?StaysupallnightwonderingifthereisaDog.91 Atermitewalksintoacocktaillounge,andasksacustomer,"Isthebartenderhere?"

    92 Amangoestothevetabouthisdog'sfleas.Thevetsays"I'msorry,I'llhavetoputthisdogdown".Themanisincredulousandaskswhy,andthevetsays"becauseheisfartooheavy." 93 AnEnglishman,anIrishmanandascotsmanwalkintoabar,thebarmanasks,"Isthisajoke?"94 AguygoestotheDoctorsandhesays"Doctor,I'mreallyworriedaboutmybrother,hethinkshe'saHen!"TheDoctorsays"wellhaveyoutakenhimtoseeapsychiatrist?",andtheguysays"Don'tbestupid,weneedtheeggs!"

    95 AgroupofChessenthusiastswerekickedoutofahotelreceptionfordiscussingtheirwinninggames.Themanagercan'tstandchessnutsboastinginanopenfoyer. 96 Abrainandapairofjumpleadswalksintoabar.Thebrainorderstwopintsfromthebarmanbutthebarmanrefusestoservehim.Whenaskedwhy,thebarmanreplies"Wellyou'reclearlyoutofyourhead,andyourfriendtherelooksasifhe'sabouttostartsomething" 97 Thepolicearrestedtwomen,onefordrinkingbatteryacidandtheotherforeatingfirecrackers.Theychargedoneandlettheotheroneoff.

    98 Amanwenttoahorsebreederandsaid,Iwantthathorse.Thebreedersaidthathorseaintlookingsogood,butthemanstillwantedtobuyit,sohedid.Thenextdayhecamebackwiththehorseandsaid,yousoldmeablindhorse,thebreederrepliedItoldyouthathorseaintlookingsogood 99 Twohikerswerewalkingthroughthewoodswhentheynoticedabearchargingtowardstheminthedistance.Thefirsthikerremovedhistrailbootsandbegantolaceuphis

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    6/89

    runningshoes.Thesecondhikerlaughedandsaid,"Whybotherchangingoutofyourboots?Youcan'toutrunabear."Thefirsthikerreplied,"Idon'thavetooutrunthebear,Ionlyhavetooutrunyou." 100 Beforeyoucriticizesomeone,walkamileintheirshoes.Thenwhenyoudocriticize

    them,you'llbeamileawayandhavetheirshoes.101 Amanonabusinesstripisstayinginahigh-risehotelwithabaronthetopfloor.Aftercheckinginandseeinghisroom,hedecidestogoupstairs.There'sonlyoneotherpatroninthebar.Thebusinessmanordersadrinkandthenwatchesinsurpriseastheotherpatronquicklyeatsanorange,chugshisbeer,andjumpsoutthewindow.Aminutelater,themanreturns.Thebusinessmanisshockedtoseehimagaineatanorange,chughisbeerandthenjumpoutthewindow.Whenthemanreturnsathirdtime,thebusinessmandecideshecandothis,too.Heeatsanorange,chugshisbeer,thenjumpsoutthewindowtohisdeath.Thebartenderturnstothemanandsays,"Youknow,Superman,you'rearealjerkwhen

    you'redrunk."102 Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?Two,onetodoit,andanothertoholdthefish. 103 Asafuneraltrainpassesbyagolfcourse,agolferononeofthegreensstops,standsatattentionwithhatheldoverhisheartasthehearsegoesby.Thenhegoesbacktolininguphisputt.Hisplayingpartnerremarkshowthatwasthenicestgesturehe'deverseen,toshowsuchrespectforthedead.Thefirstgolfersinkshisputtandsays,"Well,shewasagoodwifeforsixteenyears."

    104 Awomanhastwinboysandgivesthemupforadoption.OnegoestoafamilyinEgypt,andisnamed"Amahl."TheothergoestoafamilyinSpainandisnamed"Juan."Yearslater,Juansendsapictureofhimselftohisbirthmom.Uponreceivingthepicture,shetellsherhusbandthatshewishesshealsohadapictureofAmahl.Herhusbandresponds,"Buttheyareidenticaltwins.Ifyou'veseenJuan,you'veseenAmahl. 105 Whatdoyoucallaboomerangthatdoesn'tcomeback?Astick. 106 Manwalkingdownthestreetmeetsafriendwhohasalobstertuckedunderhisarm."Areyoutakingthatlobsterhometodinner?"heasks."No,"saysfriend,"he'shadhisdinner

    andnowI'mtakinghimtothepictures". 107 AmanissatathomewatchingT.V.whenhehearsaknockatthedoor.Themangetsupandanswersthedoor,tohisastonishmentthereisasnailatthedoor.Thesnailsays"canisellyousomedoubleglazing."Towhichthemanreplies"no"andkickshimdownthestreet.Twoweekslaterthereisanotherknockatthedoor.Themananswersitanditisthesnailagain.Thesnailthensay"whatdidyoudothatforthen."

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    7/89

    108 Patient:"Doctor,DoctorIthinkI'mapairofcurtains."Doctor:"Pullyourselftogetherman."109 Patient:Dr,Dr-Ican'tgetthissongoutofmyheadandit'sdrivingmemad.Ican'tstophumming"It'sGoodtoTouchtheGreenGreenGrassofHome"

    Doctor:"Hmm,soundslikeTomJonesSyndrome"Patient"Neverheardofit"Doctor"Wellit'snotunusual..." 110 ExtrastrongmintandMarsbararehavingadrinkinthepub.ExtrastrongmintsaystoMarsBar,`I'mthehardestmintintownme!No-one'sharderthanme!'.Withthat,thebardoorsswingopenandinwalksaHallsmint.Marsbarturnsaroundandextrastrongmintisquiveringunderthetable.Marsbarsays,`Hangonaminute,Ithoughtyouwerethehardestmintintown?!'.Extrastrongmintsays, Imightbehard,buthe'smenthal!' 111 Q.Whydocowshavebells

    A.Becausetherehornsdontwork 112 ThreeAmericanIndianwomeninthewildwestareabouttogivebirth.Oneislyingonabuffaloskin;oneislyingonamooseskin;andoneislyingonahippopotamusskin.Thefirstwomangivesbirthtoaboy.Thesecondgivesbirthtoagirl.Andthethirdgivesbirthtoaboyandagirl.Andthisproves...thesquawofthehideofthehippopotamusisequaltothesumofthesquawsoftheothertwohides! 113 Guywalksintothedoctor'swithastrawberrygrowingoutofhishead.Doctorsays'Icangiveyousomecreamforthat'.

    114 Amangoestoadiner.Onthemenuitsays,"BreakfastServedAnytime"so,whenthewaitresscomesheordersFrenchToastduringtheRenaissance!115 Q:WhathappenstoComposerswhentheydie.A:Theydecompose 116 2atomsweretalking,1atomsaidtotheother"whyareyoucrying?"theatomreplied"I'velostanelectron",thefirstatomsaid"areyousure?","yes"repliedtheother"I'mpositive!" 117 Twomenjumpoutofaplane.OneisholdingaBudgerigar,theotherisholdinga

    Parrotandashot-gun.Astheyfallawayfromtheplanethemanholdingthebudgieletsitgo.AmomentlaterthemanwiththeParrotletsgoofhisbirdandtakesalameshotatitwiththeshotgun.Theybothhitthefloor.Intheirdyingmoments,oneturnstotheotherandsays,"Idon'tthinkmuchofthisBudgiejumping"Theotherdyingmanturnstohimandreplies,"No,idon'tthinkmuchofthishighaltitudeparatchuting!."

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    8/89

    118 Idrunkdriverisstopforheadingthewrongwayonaone-waystreet.Thepoliceofficeraskedthedriverdidn'tyouseethearrows.Thedrinkresponds,"Arrows,Icouldn'tevenseetheIndians.

    119 Amantookhisdogtothevet."Sorry,"saidthevet,"butyourdogisdead".Distraughtmanasksthevetforasecondopinion--thevetbringsinthepracticecat.Catsniffsaround--noresponsefromdog.Vetsays"sorry,butyourdogisdead".Maninsistsonathirdopinion,sovetbringsinthepracticelabrador.Practicedogsniffsaround--noresponsefromman'sdog.Reluctantlythemanacceptshisdogisdead.Onthewayout,thereceptionistgiveshimabillfor1000."Goodgrief,whatisthisfor?"Well,saidthereceptionist,"it's50forthevet,300forthecatscanand600forthelabreport.120 whatgamedoyouplaywithawombat?answer-wom

    121 amanwalksintoashopandsays"i'dliketobuyawasp,please."theshopkeeperreplies"i'msorry,sir,wedon'tsellwasps.""but,"saystheman"youhaveoneinthewindow." 122 Awhitehorsewalkedintoapubandorderedalager.Thelandlordputthedrinkonthebarandsaid'We'vegotawhiskynamedafteryou'.Thehorsereplied'what,Eric?'. 123 Whilerobbingahome,aburglarhearssomeonesay,"Jesusiswatchingyou."Tohisrelief,herealizesitisjustaparrotmimickingsomethingithadheard.Theburglaraskstheparrot,"What'syourname?"Theparrotsays,"Moses."

    Theburglargoesontoask,"WhatkindofapersonnamestheirparrotMoses?"Theparrotreplies,"ThesamekindofpersonthatnameshisRottweilerJesus."124 Howmanypsychiatristsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?Onlyone,butthelightbulb'sgottowanttochange. 125 WherecanyoufindaMozambique.Onamozam-bird! 126 Q:What'sbrownandsticky?A:Astick.

    127 Amangetsknockeddownbyatruck.Aguysaystohimareyoucomfortable.HesaysImakealiving! 128 Whydoesachickencoophave2doors?Becauseifhad4doorsitwouldbeachickensedan. 129 Q.Wheredoyoukeepababyape?

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    9/89

    A.Inanapricot. 130 Whatdoyoucallacowinapaddockwithonlytworightlegs...LeanBeef

    131 Kid"Mummy!Mummy!Thereisamanwithabillatthedoor"Mother"Dontbesillydear,itmustbeaduckwithahaton!" 132 Q:Whatdoyoucallaflywithnowings?A:Awalk 133 Ashipwrecksurvivorwashesuponthebeachofanislandandisimmediatelysurroundedbyagroupofnativewarriors."I'mdonefor",themancriesindespair."Noyouarenot,"comesaboomingvoicefromtheheavens."Listencarefully,anddoexactlyasIsay.Grabthespearfromtheonewhoisbesideyouandshoveitthroughtheheartofthechief."

    Themandoesso,andtheremainderofthebandstareindisbelief."Now,what?"themanaskstheheavens."Now,youaredonefor."134 Twocaterpillarswerecrawlingalongaleafwhenabutterflyflewpastoverhead.Onecaterpillarturnedtotheotheroneandsaid:"You'llnevergetmeupinoneofthosethings!" 135 Amanwalksintoachipandasksforfishandchipstwiceplease.Themanbehindthecountersays"Iheardyouthefirsttime"

    136 Iwasinthewaitingroomofmydoctor'sofficetheotherdaywhenthedoctorstartedyelling,"Typhoid!Tetanus!Measles!"Iwentuptothenurseandaskedherwhatthehellwasgoingon.Shetoldmethatthedoctorlikedtocalltheshots.137 Whyisatractormagic?Becauseitcangodownaroadandturnintoafield! 138 ?Sally,canyouspell?water?forme??Theteacherasked.HIJKLMN0answeredSallypromptlyHerteacherlookpuzzled.?Thatdoesn?tspell?water.???Sureitdoes,?saidSally.?It?sallthe

    lettersfromHtoO.?139 Amanwalksintoabarandnoticestwopiecesofbeefnailedtotheceiling.Heasksthebarmanwhythey'rethere."It'sacompetition.Ifyoucanclimbupthereandgetthosebitsofmeatdownyou'llgetfreedrinksallnight.Butifyoutryandfailthenyou'llhavetobuyaroundforeveryoneinthepub.Doyoufancyhavingago?"Themanhasalong,hardlookattheceilingbeforesaying,"No,I'lljusthaveapintthanks.Thesteaksaretoohigh."

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    10/89

    140 Closeyoureyes.Darkisn'tit? 141 WhydidLudwigv.Beethovenkillhistwoducks?-Theywouldn'tstopsaying"Bachbach"allthetime..

    142 Whatisgreenandifitweretofallfromatreewouldkillyou?Asnookertable143 whydon'tpolarbearseatpenguines?becausetheycan'tgetthewrappersoff...144 Askeletonwalksintoapubandsays,"Pintofbitterandamop." 152 Doctor,Doctor,Ican?tpronouncemyF?s,T?sandH?s.??Wellyoucan?tsayfairerthanthatthen?154 WhatdidthebirdsayasitflewoverASDA?"CheapCheap"

    155 Foralaughthreefrenchsoldiersputmustardintheirearsfromthenontheyarecalledthethreemustardears!!!156 Ablondegirl'shusbandbuysheramobilephone.Shetakesitoutandhedecidestotestitout.Hephonesherandsheanswersit."It'sverygood,"shesays,"buthowdidyouknowIwasatthehairdressers?" 157 Amanwalksintoabarandordersapint.Thenhehearslittlevoicessayingthingslike'Oooh,youlookreallynice'and'Thathaircutreallysuitsyou'.Hetellsthebarmanaboutitwhosays'Justignoreit,it'sthepeanuts,they'recomplimentary'.

    195 ANardvarkwalksintoabarandthebartendersayswhythelongface.196 aworriedmangoestoseehispriest."Father,Iamworried.Ithinkthatmywifeistryingtopoisonme."Saidthepriest:"Holdonmyson,letmetalktoyourwifeandcomebacktoseemetomorrow,thenIshallbeabletogiveyousomeadvice."Thefollowingdaythemanagingcomedtohispriestwhotellshim:"Wellmyson,Ihavetalkedtoyourwifefornearlytwohours.Myadvisetoyouis:Takethepoison" 197 Q.Whydidthekoalafalloutofthetree?A.Becauseitwasdead

    Q.Whydidthesecondkoalafalloutofthetree?A.Becauseitwasholdingontothefirstkoala.Q.Whydidthethirdkoalafalloutofthetree?A.Becausehethoughtitwasagame.Q.Whydidthelittleboyfalloffhisbike?A.Becausehewashitbythreekoalas. 198 Ahorsewalksintoabar,thebartenderturns&asksthehorsewhatswiththelongface.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    11/89

    199 AnEnglishman,anAustralianandanAmericanwalkintoabar.Thebarmanasksthem"isthisajoke?" 200 Amanputonacleanpairofsockseverydayoftheweek.ByFridayhecouldhardlygethisshoeson.

    201 Howmanypsychiatristsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?Justone--butthelightbulbreallyhastowanttochange. 202 Whatdoyougetwhenyoupourboilingwaterdownarabbithole?Hotcrossbunnies. 203 Didyouhearaboutthetermitewhowalkedintoanall-woodenbarandasked,"Isthebartenderhere?" 204 Thedoctorsaystothepatient,"You'reinexcellenthealth-you'lllivetobe90."The

    patientreplies,"ButDoctor,Iam90!"Thedoctoreresponds,"Well,that'sit,then." 205 thereare3wiveswhowanttodecidewhattowear.firstonesays,myhusbandhasblackhairIwillwerablackdree.secondsaysmyhusbandhairisgreyandIwillwearagreydressandthethirdonegetsworriedandstartspanicking.whenaskedshetellstheothertwothatherhusbandisbaldsoshewouldhavetowearnothingtotheparty.206 WhatwillPostmanPatbecalledwhenheretires?Pat 207 Whydidthemonkeyfalloutofthetree?

    answer:hewasdead208 AporkPiewalksintoaPubandsays'Illhaveapintplease',towhichthelandlordreplies-'sorrywedontservefood'. 209 AmantookhisRottweilertothevetandsaidtohim,"Mydogscross-eyed.Isthereanythingyoucandoforit?""Well",saidthevet,"Let'shavealookathim."Sohepicksthedogupbytheearsandhasagoodlookatitseyes."Well,"Saysthevet,"I'mgoingtohavetoputhimdown.""Justbecausehe'scross-eyed?"saidtheman.

    "No,becausehe'sheavy,"saidthevet.210 GeorgeHoward,themanfamousforwritingtheHokeyPolkydiedlastweek.Theyhadahorribletimeatthefuneralparlor,firsttheyputhisleftlegin.... 211 Amandiedandhiswifephonedthenewspapertoplaceanobituary.Shecalledtheobituarydepartmentandsaid,"ThisiswhatIwanttoprint:Bernieisdead."Themanatthe

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    12/89

    newspapersaid,"Butfor$25youareallowedtoprintsixwords."Thewomananswered,"OK.Thenprint:Bernieisdead.Toyotaforsale." 212 Sadie'shusbandJakehasbeenslippinginandoutofacomaforseveralmonths,yethisfaithfulwifestaysbyhisbedsidedayandnight.Onenight,Jakecomestoandmotionsforher

    tocomecloser.Hesays,"MySadie,youhavebeenwithmethroughallthebadtimes.WhenIgotfired,youweretheretosupportme.Whenmybusinessfailed,youwerethere.WhenIgotshot,youwerebymyside.Whenwelostthehouse,yougavemesupport.Whenmyhealthstartedfailing,youwerestillbymyside.Youknowwhat,Sadie?""Whatdear?"sheaskedgently."Ithinkyou'rebadluck." 213 Alittleboywentuptohisfatherandasked:"Dad,wheredidallofmyintelligencecomefrom?"Thefatherreplied:"Well,son,youmusthavegottenitfromyourmother,'causeIstillhavemine." 214 Whyisthenumbereightafraidofthenumberseven?

    Becausesevenatenine. 215 Aneutronwalksintoabar,andsays"Givemeabeer."Thebartendersays"Hey!Neutron!Foryou-nocharge!" 216 Onemorning,agirlsaystohermum,"DoesGoduseourbathroom?"Hermumreplies,"Nodear,whydoyouask?"Thelittlegirlsays,"Well,everymorningdaddysays'OhGod,areyoustillinthere!"217 Amandrivingintotownspotsatruckbrokendownonthesideoftheroad.Hestopstohelp.Thetruckdriversaysheisonhiswaytodeliversomepenguinstothezoo.Thetruck

    driversay,"I'llgiveyousomecashifyoucouldtakethepenguinstothezooforme."Themanagrees.Later,whenthetruckisfixed,thetruckdriverdrivesintotownandspotsthemanclosetothezoo,walkingwitharowofpengiunswaddlingbehindhim,awayfromthezoo.Thetruckdriverstopsandasks,"Whatareyoudoing?Igaveyoumoneytotakethepenguinstothezoo?"Themanreplies.,"Idid,butwegotchangesowe'regoingtothemovies!" 218 Wheredosheepgettheirhaircut?AttheBah-Bah-Shop.

    219 Whatdoyougetifyoucrossfrostythesnowmanwithcountdracula?Frostbite 220 DidyouhearaboutthetwomaggotswhowerefightingindeadEarnest? 221 Whatdoyoucallawoodpeckerwithoutabeak?AHeadbanger 222 weredocomputersgoonhoilday?thebigapple

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    13/89

    223 Q:Howdoyoucatchauniquerabbit?A:Uniqueuponit.Q:Howdoyoucatchatamerabbit?A:Thetameway.

    224 whydidthechickencrosstheroad?Togettotheotherside... 225 Twosailorsareeatingbiscuitstogether.Onebreaksabiscuitandtwobugs,onelargeandonesmall,jumpoutandrunacrossthetable.Thesailoraskshismate,"Now,isitbettertoeatthebigoneorthesmallone?"Theotherreplied,"Theanswerissimple:youmustalwayschoosethelesseroftwoweevils." 226 Didyouhearaboutthedyslexic,agnosticinsomniac?Heliesawakeallnightlong,wonderingiftherereallyisadog.

    227 WhatdidtheBuddhistsaytothehotdogvendor?"Makemeonewitheverything." 228 whatdidthe0saytothe8?Nicebelt! 229 Wherewouldyoufindatortoisewithnolegs?Whereveryouleftit 230 Whydidthesquirrelfalloutofthetree?Itwasdead.Whydidthesecondsquirrelfalloutofthetree?

    Itthoughtitwasagame.Whydidthetreefallover?Itthoughtitwasasquirrel! 231 Asandwichwalksintoabarandordersabeerandthebarmansays"I'msorrywedon'tservefood" 232 What'sbrownandsitsonapianobench?Answer:Beethoven'sLastMovement 233 BobissittinginabarnexttoaguynamedClark.Clarkgetshisusualanddrainsithe

    thenturnstoBobandsays,"IbetyouIcanjumpoftheroofandloattotheground."Bobsays"okaygoforit."Soclarkjumpsandfloatstotheground.SoBoborderswhatclarkjusthadandtriestojumpandfloat.SohejumpsandSPLAThehitsthegroundanddies.Clarkwalksbackinthebarandthebarkeepsays"YouknowSupermanyou'rereallymeanwhenyourdrunk!"Rimshot!!

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    14/89

    234 DidyouhearthattheydugupBeethoven'sbodylastweek?Theyfoundhimdecomposing.235 whatdoaneagleandalionhaveincommon?theybothhavewings,exceptforthelion.

    236 howdoyougetapikachuontoabus?youpokemon 237 Whydidtheworkergetfiredfromtheorangejuicefactory?Becausehecouldn'tconcentrate 238 Whatdoyoucalladonkeywiththreelegs?Awonkey. 239 Whatdoyoucallamaninabush?Russell.

    240 Amanwalksintoabarandsays-"ouchthatshot",ItwasaBARbeque.241 Theresatoiletonahill.Thereisamanwalkingupthehillandamanwalkingdownandamaninthetoilet.Whataretherenationalitys?themangoingupisRussinandthemangoingdownisfinishanandthemaninthetoiletiseuropean. 242 Q.Whydidthechickencrosstheplayground?A.Togettotheotherslide.

    243 whatdomexicanskeepunderthecarpet?Underlay!Underlay!Underlay! 244 NewspaperHeadline:Manwhocommitssuicidetwiceissentencedtolifeinprison. 245 Q:Whatisredandlookslikeabucket?A:ARedbucket!Q:WhatisblueandlookslikeabucketA:ARedbucketindisguise!246 Q:Whatisgray?A:Ameltedpenguin!

    247 Q.What'sthedifferencebetweenabuffaloandabison?A.Youcan'twashyourhandsinabuffalo.248 Whydidthemonkeyfalloutofthetree?Itwasdead.Whydidthesquirrelfalloutofthetree?Itwasstapledtothemonkey.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    15/89

    249 Amandrivingonahighwayispulledoverbyapoliceofficer.Theofficerasks,"Didyouknowyourwifeandchildrenfelloutofyourcarakilometreback?".Asmilecreepsontotheman'sfaceandheexclaims,"ThankGod!IthoughtI

    wasgoingdeaf!" 250 Q:whereisacemeterylocatedinanytown?A:IntheDeadcenterofit! 251 AcoupleofNewJerseyhuntersareoutinthewoodswhenoneofthemfallstotheground.Hedoesn'tseemtobebreathing,hiseyesarerolledbackinhishead.Theotherguywhipsouthiscellphoneandcalls911.Hegaspstotheoperator,"Myfriendisdead!WhatcanIdo?"Theoperator,inacalmsoothingvoicesays,"Justtakeiteasy.Icanhelp.First,let'smakesurehe'sdead."

    Thereisasilence,thenashotisheard.Theguy'svoicecomesbackontheline.Hesays,"OK,nowwhat?" 252 Amanwalksintoabarandsaysouch!!!Getit?253 babypolarbearasksitsdad,'amiablackbear?''no'saysdad.'amiagrizzlybear?''no,you'reapolarbear.goaskyourmother,son.'babypolarbearasksitsmum,'amiabrownbear,orasunbear?''no',saysmum.'amiablackbearorakoalabear?''no,you'reapolarbear.whydoyouask,son?''becauseiamsocold...!'

    254 Anewlyordainedpriestisnervousabouthearingconfessionsandasksanolderpriesttoobserveoneofhissessionstogivehimsometips.Afterafewminutesoflistening,theoldpriestsuggeststhattheyhaveaword."Iv'egotafewsuggestions,"hesays."Tryfoldingyourarmsoveryourchestandrubyourchinwithonehand."Thenewpriesttriesthis."Verygood,"sayshissenior."nowtrysaingthingslike'Isee','Iunderstand'and'Yes,goon.'"Theoungerpriestpractisesthesesayings,too."Welldone,"saystheolderpriest."Don'tyouthinkthat'sbetterthanslappingyourkneeandsaying,'Noway!whathappenednext?'" 255 Claire:KnockKnockNeil:Who'sthere?

    Claire:AninterruptingcowNeil:Aninterrupt..Claire:MOO 256 Mangoestothedoctorandcomplainsthateverytimehetoucheshisfoothefeelsexcruciatingpain.Thedoctorwritesitdownandasksifitgurtsanywhereelse.Todemonstrate,themanalsotoucheshisshinandthighandscreamsoutwithpain.Althoughthedoctorexaminesthaman,hecannotdiagnosethesourceofthepainandrefershimtoa

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    16/89

    specialist.Afewweekslaterthemanreturnsandthedoctoreagerlyasksthemanifthespecialistfoundoutwhatwaswrong.Yes,saidtheman.Hediscoveredmyfingerwasbroken! 257 Whatdoyoucallanaarvarkthathasbeenbeatenup?

    Avark.258 WhatisthedifferencebetweenadoctorandGod?Goddoesn'tthinkheisadoctor! 259 Whydidthewhalejumpoutofthewater?Togettotheotherside. 260 Q.WhatdidtheEnglishpolicemansaywhenhecamehomeandfoundhiswifeinbedwiththreemen?A.'Ello.'Ello.'Ello! 261 ManislookingdownfromaplaneasitfliesoverthePacificOcean.Heturnstotheladynexttohimandasks:Thatislanddownthere.IsitpronouncedHawaiiorHavaii?Thewoman

    repliesHavaii.Themansays:Thankyou.Thewomanreplies:You'revelcome! 262 Whydidthe'possumcrosstheroad?Togethalf-wayacross.Whydidthechickencrosstheroad?Toshowthe'possumitcouldbedone.Whydidtheanarchistmonkeycrosstheroad?Hewasstapledtothechicken.Whydidn'ttheskeletoncrosstheroad?Noguts. 263 Amanwalksintoarestaurantandgrowlsatthemaitred',"Doyouservecrabshere?"themaitred'responds"Weserveanyone.Haveaseatsir." 264 Ina3rdgradeclassJonnywasaskedifheknewwhatacanabilwas.Hesaidtothe

    teacher"nosir""Well,ifyouateyourparentswhatwouldyoube?"Jonny,steacheraskedhimandJonnysaid"Anorphen,sir" 265 Didyouhearabouttheroosterwhostayedawakeallnightsothathecouldseewherethesunwent?Itfinallydawnedonhim. 266 Twoguyswalkintoabar.Thethirdguyducks. 267 Whatisthenewpiratemovierated?Arrrrrrrrrrr.

    268 Themonkswerebusyinthemonasterycopyingthosebeaytifulilluminatedmanuscriptsthattheyusedtodowhenoneyoungmonksuggestedthatsincetheywerecopyingcopiesperhapsitmightbetimelytoexaminetheoriginaltomakesurethattheircopieswerecorrect.TheAbbotagreedandsentthemonkdownintothebasementofthemonasterytofindandexaminetheoriginal.Theyoungmonkwasawayforsometimeandfinallytheabbotwenttofindhim.Whenhedidhefoundhimmintearsandaskedhimwhatwaswrong.Throughhistearsthemonkblurtedout"Thewordwascelebrate!"

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    17/89

    269 Learntherulessoyouknowhowtobreakthemproperly. 270 Ifyounevercanmakethingsworkfromthefirsttry,skydivingisnotforyou. 271 IwasgettingforgetfulsoIwenttotheneighborsandaskethehusbandwhatisthe

    nameofyourmentaldoctorthatyouhavebeenbragingabout.Heaskemewhatflowerhasalongsteamwiththorns.Isaidarose.Hesaidthankyou,thankyou,heyRosewhatisthenameofmymemorydoctor. 272 Neverwrestlewithapig:Youbothgetalldirty,andthepiglikesit. 273 Ihaveseenthetruthanditmakesnosense. 274 Amanranintothehousebreathlessandhesaidtohiswife,"Honey,youshouldbesoproudofme,Ijustsaved$1.50bynottakingthebus,butIchaseditallthewayhome-Thewifereplied,"Youwantamedalforthat?-Youshouldhavechasedacabandsavedyourself

    15! 275 Aduckwalksintoapharmacy.Hesays,"I'dlikeachapstick."Thepharmacisthandshimthechapstickandasks,"willthatbecashorcharge?"Theduckreplies,"justputitonmybill." 276 Therearetwofishinatank.Thefirstfishsaystothesecondfish:"Howthehelldowedrivethisthing?" 277 Helicopterscan'treallyfly-they'rejustsouglythattheearthimmediatelyrepelsthem.

    278 whatsbrownandsticky?astick279 Whydidthemonkeyfalloutofthetree?Itwasdead. 280 Didyouhearaboutthemaniacridingonthesubwayschoppingpeoplesarmsoff?Thepolicecaughthimandchargedhimwitharmedrobbery! 281 Abiologystudenthadtowriteacomputerprogram,buthehadtroublestomakeitwork.Heaskedhisroommate,whowasacomputersciencemajor,

    tolookathisprogrammandtellhimwheretheerroris.Thecomputerguylookedthroughthecodeforsometime,thenglanceddesperatelyathisfriendandsaid:"InDNA". 282 Whatdoyoucallacowwithnolegs?Groundbeef. 283 Howcanyoutellthedifferencebetweenadeadcatintheroadoradeadlawyerintheroad?Thedeadcathastreadmarks.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    18/89

    284 Well,yousee,therearebasicallythreekindsofpeopleintheworld.Thosewhocancountandthosethatcan't. 285 -Canyouswim?

    -Sometimes.-Whatdoyoumeanby"sometimes"?-OnlywhenI'minthewater. 286 Amanwalksintoapsychiatrist'sofficedressedonlyinsaranwrap.Thepsychologisttakesonelookathimandsays,"Icanclearlyseeyou'renuts." 287 Whydidthemonkeyfalloutofthetree?Hewasdead.Whydidthesecondmonkeyfalloutofthetree?Hewasstapledtothefirstmonkey.

    Whydidthethirdmonkeyfalloutofthetree?Peerpressure. 288 Firstmagician:"WhowasthatladyIsawedwithyoulastnight?"Secondmagician:"Thatwasnolady;thatwasmyhalf-sister!" 289 Whydoesagolferbringtwopairsofpantswhenheplaysgolf?AIncasehegetsaholeinone.290 whatsagoodpartinggift?Acomb

    291 KnockknockWho'sthere?DishwasherDishwasherwho?Dishwasherwayispokeuntiligotmyfalseteeth 292 Howdoyoumakeahankichiefdance?Putalittlebogeyinit. 293 Howdoyouhideanelephantinacherrytree?Youpaintitstoenailsred! 294 Whatisreadwhiteandblackallover?Ausednewspaper!

    295 Didyouhearaboutthetwoatennaethatgotmarried?Theweddingwasn'tverygood,butthereceptionwasteriffic! 296 aguytakeshisnastydogforawalkeverynightandmanagestobeatupanotherdogeverynight.onenightwhilewalkinghisdoghecomesuponthisguywalkingayellowdog,heunleaseshisnastydogsaying"gogethimboy",asherunsuptotheyellowdog,theyellowdoggrabshimbytheneck,shakeshimacoupleoftimes,flipshimoverandbreakeshisneck

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    19/89

    andthenastydogisdead.theownerofthenastydogsayswow!thatsthefirsttimeintwoyearsthatmydoghaslostafight,whatkindofdogdoyouhave?theotherguysays"beforeicutoffhistailandpaintedhimyellow,heusedtobeanalligater!!! 297 Themanhadgonetothedentistforhisannualcheckup.Thedentistaskedthemanif

    hehadbeeneatinganythingoverthepastfewmonthsthatwasnotordinarilyinhisdiet.Themansaid,"Whyyes,Ihaveasamatteroffact.MywifedevelopedanewreceiptforhollandisesaucethatisjustterrificandIhavebeenputtingitonalmosteverythingthatIeat.""Well",saidthedentist,"I'mafraidthattheacidinthelemonjuiceusedinthehollandisesaucehasstartedtocorrodeyourdentalplate.I'llhavetomakeyouanewplate.Butthistime,I'llmakeitoutofchrome.""Outofchrome!"exclaimedtheman."Whywouldyoudothat?"."Because,"saidthedentist........"aseveryoneknows"......"there'snoplatelikechromeforthehollandise" 298 WhydontEnglishrugbyplayersgetvaccinatedbeforetouring?theynevercatchanything.

    299 Q:Whycan'ttwoelephantsgoswimmingatthesametime?A:Becausetheyonlyhaveonepairoftrunks! 300 Q:-Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?A:-Fish. 301 AlengthofRopewentintoabar,satonastool,andorderedabeer.TheBartendersaid,"Wedon'tserveRopeshere."Dismayedanddisappointed,theRopewentoutandthengotanidea.Hestoppedamanandasked,"Willyoupleasetieaknotinmeandseparatemystrandsatbothends?".Themanobliged,andwiththisdone,theRopewentbackintothebar

    andagainorderedabeer.TheBartenderlookedhimoverandsaid,"Say,aren'tyouthesameropewhowasinherebefore?!""No,"wasthereply,"I'mafrayedknot."304 Q.Whydidtheramjumpoverthecliff?A.Hedidn'tseetheeweturn. 305 Whydobeeshum?Becausetheydon'tknowthewords 306 Twonotsobrightpeoplewalkingalongoneday.Onesays'Horsetracks!',theotherdisagrees,'RabbittracksIthink'justbeforethetrainhitthem!

    307 WhatsETshortfor?Becausehe'sgotlittlelegs! 308 abearwalksintoabarandsays"CanIhaveapintoflagerand................................................apacketofcrispsplease?"thebarmansays"Whythebigpause"

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    20/89

    309 Didyoureadaboutthemidgetclarivoyantwhoescapedfromjail?Theheadlinesaid"smallmediumatlarge." 310 Howmanypsychiatristsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?Onlyone,butthelightbulb'sgonnawanttochange.

    311 Apenguinwalksitoabarandasksthebarman"haveyouseenmybrother?"thebarmanreplies"Idunno,Whatdoeshelooklike?" 312 Therewasahusbandandhiswifesittingnexttoadrunkinabar.Suddenlythedrunkstandsupandyells,"ATTENTIONALL"andfartsloudly.Thewifeisextremelyembarrassed,andthehusbandlooksatthedrunkandsays"Excuseme,youjustfartedbeforemywife."Thedrunksreplies,"I'msorryIdidn'tknowitwasherturn."

    313 Whydidthetomatoturnred?She/Hesawthesaladdressing! 314 Whatdoyoucalladeerwithnoeyes?Noidear. 315 Aguywalksintohispsychiatristsofficeandsays"Docyougottohelpme,OnenightIdreamI'matepeeandthenextnightidreamthatiamawigwam."Thedoctorsay's,"relax,you'retwotents."

    316 Whatdoyoucalladeerwithnoeyesandnolegs?Stillnoidear. 317 "Doc,Ican'tstopsingingthegreengreengrassofhome""thatsoundslikeTomJonessyndrome""Isitcommon?""It'snotunusual.."318 FromTheTimes:'Ayounggirl,whowasblownouttoseaonasetofinflatableteeth,wasrescuedbya

    manonaninflatablelobster.Acoast-guardspokesmancommented:"Thissortofthingisalltoocommonthesedays."'319 whathas2legsandbleedsprofusely?Halfacat320 Amanwakesupinhospital.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    21/89

    "Doctor,Doctor,Ican'tfeelmylegs!""Iknow,"repliesthedoctor,"Wehadtoamputateyourarms." 321 Onepenguinsaystoanother,"Youlooklikeyou'rewearingatux."Thesecondpenguinreplies,"WhosaysI'mnot?"

    322 Whydoelephantsputcatsupintheirnavels?Answer:Sotheycaneatfrenchfrieswhilelyingontheirbacks.323 Thischaplivesaloneandhewasfeelingabitlonely,sohegoestothepetshoptogetsomethingtokeephimcompany.Thepetshopownersuggestedanunusualpet,atalkingmillipede."OK,"thoughttheman,"I'llgiveitago..."Soheboughtamillipede,tookithome,andforlackofadvancepreparations,madeitatemporaryhomeinacardboardbox.Thateveningtestinghisnewpet,heleanedovertheclosedboxand

    said,"I'mgoingtothepubforadrink,doyouwanttocometoo?"Hewaitedafewmomentsbuttherewasnoreply.Hetriedagain,"Hey,millipede,wannacometotheboozerwithme???"Again,noresponse.Disgustedbyhisgulliblenature,hedecidedtogiveitonemoretrybeforereturningthemillipedetothepetshop.Sohegotrealclosetotheboxandrepeatedratherloudly,"ISAIDI'MGOINGTOTHEPUBFORADRINK.DOYOUWANNACOME?""Iheardyouthefirsttime!!"snappedthemillipede,"I'mjustputtingmybloodyshoeson..."324 DidyouhearaboutthefarmerwhowontheNobelPrizeforbeingoutstandinginhis

    field? 325 Twodrunksaresittingatabar.Thefirstonesays,"What'sthisthingthattheycalla'Breathalyzer'?"Thesecondguysays,"It'sabagthatcantellhowmuchyoudrank."Thefirstguysays,"Imarriedoneofthosethingsyearsago." 326 Therewerethreeguys.Theyeachwereaskedtonamesomethinggreen,pinkandyellow.Thefirstguysaid"myshirtisgreen,mytieispinkandmypantsareyellow".Thesecondguysaid"thegrassisgreen,thesunisyellowandmydoorispink."Thethirdguysaid"thephonegoes'greengreen',Ipinkitupandsay'yellow'".

    327 Awhitehorsegoesintoapubandordersadrink.Thepublicansays,"Here,we'vegotadrinknamedafteryou!"Thehorsesays,"What,Eric?" 328 Whatdoyoucallawomanwithonelegshorterthantheother?Answer:IleneWhatdoyoucallherifshe'sJapanese?

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    22/89

    Answer:Irene 329 What'sorangeandsoundslikeaparrot?Acarrot!

    330 Atruckdriversawapriesthitchhiking.Hethoughthewoulddoagoodturnandpulledthetruckover."Noproblem,Father!Illgiveyoualift.Climbinthetruck."Thehappypriestclimbedintothepassengerseatandthetruckdrivercontinueddowntheroad.Suddenlythetruckdriversawalawyerwalkingdowntheroadandinstinctivelyheswervedtohithim.Butherememberedtherewasapriestinthetruckwithhim,soatthelastminuteheswervedbackaway,narrowlymissingthelawyer.Buteventhoughhewassurehemissedthelawyerhestillheardaloud"THUMP".Heglancedinhismirrorsandwhenhedidntseeanything,heturnedtothepriestandsaid,"ImsorryFather.Ialmosthitthatlawyer.""Thatsokay,"repliedthepriest."Igothimwiththedoor!" 331 CraigDavid,ShaggyandBritneySpearswrestuckinanelevatorwhentheysmelled

    somethinglikerotteneggs,CraigDavidsaid"I'mwalkin'away",Shaggysaid"itwasn'tme"andBritneySpearssaid"OopsIdiditagain" 332 Whatdoyougetwhenyoucrossanelephantandakangaroo?BigholesalloverAustralia!!333 Q.Whowontheboxingmatchbetweenthebeaverandthehedgehog?A.Thehedgehog,onpoints.334 Amanwaswalkingintheparkwhenhecameacrossakoala.Hetookittothepoliemanandsid"i'vefoundthiskoalawhatshouldidowithhim"Thepolicemansaid,"take

    himtothezoo"Thenextdaythepolicemanwaswalkinginthesameparkwhenhesawthesamemanwiththesamekoala.Hesaid,"didn'titellyoutotakethatkoalatothezoo?""Yes",Themananswered,that'swhatIdidandtodayI'mtakinghimtothemovies. 335 AmanfindsageniewhosaysthatitwillgranthimthreewishesbutthateverypollititioninAustraliawouldgetdouble.Themansays,"Ok,Iwishfor$1million""Granted",saysthegenie,"butremembereverypollititioninAustraliawillgetdouble"Themansays,"Ok,nowIwishforaFerrarii""Granted",saysthegenie,"butremembereverypollititioninAustraliawillgetdouble.Your

    finalwish?"Themansays,"Iwishtohaveoneofmykidneysremoved" 336 what'swhiteblueandgreen?Afridgewearingjeanssittinginafield!!!337 Whatsbrownandsoundslikeabell?Dung!

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    23/89

    338 Whatisgreyandgoesbang,bang,bang,bang?Afour-doorelephant339 Aduckwalksintoadrugstore,andasksthecashierifhehasanybeer.Themansays"No,thisisaDrugstore,wedon'tsellbeerhere"TheDuckleaves,andreturnshome.Thenext

    day,hecomesbacktothestoreandasksthecashieragain.Themanthenreplies,"Itoldyouyesterday!Wedont'sellbeerhere!Ifyouaskmeonemoretime,Iamgoingtonailyourfeettotheflorr!"Theducksleavesagain.Onefinaltimetheduckentersthestorethenextday,andthistimesays,"Doyouhaveanynails?"TheManreplies,"No"Theduckthensays,"Doyouhaveanybeer?" 340 whatdoyoucallamitalianwitharubbertoe?Roberto 341 Whydoelephantshavebigears?Noddywouldn'tpaytheransom

    342 Howdoyoustopabearfromcharging?Youtakeawayitscreditcard.343 AmantookhisRottweilertothevet."Mydog'scross-eyed,isthereanythingyoucandoforhim?""Well,"saidthevet,"let'shavealookathim."Sohepickedthedogupandexaminedhiseyes,thencheckedhisteeth.Finally,hesaid,"I'mgoingtohavetoputhimdown.""What?Why?Becausehe'scross-eyed?""No,he'sheavy."344 Whydidn'ttheskeletoncrosstheroad?

    Hedidn'thavethegutstodoit! 345 Whattimeisit?Timeyougotanewwatch. 346 Twoelephantsfalloffacliff.Thud.Thud. 347 Whydidthemandrowninabowlofcakemix?Hegotpulledunderbyaparticularlystrongcurrent!!

    348 whydoduckshaveflatfeet?Tostampoutforestfires!! 349 Whatdoyoucallaflywithnowings?Awalk!!! 350 Whatdoyoucallachildwhofriesandeatsbothhisparents?Anorphan.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    24/89

    351 NewspaperReportssayatoilethasbeenstolen.Policvesaytheyhavenothingtogoon 352 WhyhasEdwardWoodwardgotsomany'D'sinhisname?

    Becauseotherwisehe'dbecalledEwarWoowar 353 DidyouhearaboutthescarecrowthatwonaNobelprize?Hewasout,standinginhisfield. 354 Whydidthegolferweartwopairsoftrousers?Incasehegota'holeinone'! 355 HowdoyougetfourelephantsintoaMini?Twointhefront,twointheback.

    356 Whatdoyoucallamushroomatadisco?Afunguy 357 Twoatomsarewalkingdowntheroad.Onesaystotheother,"OHNO!Ijustdroppedanelectron!""Areyousure?"askshisfriend."Yes"hereplies"I'mPOSITIVE!" 358 AbunchofhighlandcowsarestandinginafieldinScotland.Whichone'sonholiday?...Theonewiththeweecalf!

    359 -Knockknock.-Who'sthere?-Buh-Buhwho?-Don'tbesad360 Twopiecesoftarmacgointoapubandboasttothebarmanabouthowhardtheyare,"We'remotorwayus."Thenanotherpieceoftarmacentersandthefirsttwohideunderatable."What'swrong?"saysthebarman,"Ithoughtyouwerereallyhard?"

    "Weare,"theysay,"buthe'sacyclepath."361 Alongtimeago,therewere3littlebears.....nowthere'slotsofthem 362 Whatisblackandwhiteandeatslikeahorse?AZebra

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    25/89

    363 Thereweretwocowsinafield.Onesaid"moo",theotheronesaid"Iwasgoingtosaythat!" 364 What'sBrown,sitsinatreeandcan'tsing?DesO'conker

    365 Howdoyoukillacircus?Goforthejuggler. 366 Howdoyouturnaduckintoasoulsinger?StickitintheovenandwaittillitsBillWithers. 367 whydidtheswedishfactoryworkergetsacked??Becausehealwaystookstockhome!(stockholm!) 368 Therewasateddybearwhowenttoworkonabuildingsite.Onhisfirstdayhewentoffforlunchandlefthistoolsbehind.Whenhecamebackhenoticedthathispickwas

    missing.Whenhetoldtheforemantheforemansaid"Didn'tyouknowtoday'sthedaytheteddybearsgettheirpicksnicked"! 369 Amangoestothedoctorandsays'Doctor,there'sapieceoflettucestickingoutofmybottom'.Thedoctoraskshimtodrophistrousersandexamineshim.Themanasks'Isitserious,doctor?'andthedoctorreplies'I'msorrytotellyoubutthisisjustthetipoftheiceberg'. 370 whatdoucallthievesonawashingline?ans:knickers

    371 Didyouhearaboutthemanwhodrownedinabowlofmuesli?Hewaspulledunderbyastrongcurrant! 372 Ayounggirliswalkingalongtheriverandcomesacrossareligiousgatheringwheretheministerisbaptizingmembersofhisflock.TheministerasksthegirlifshehasfoundJesus.No,shesays.Whereupontheministerpushesherunderwater,pullsherbackup,andrepeats,HaveyoufoundJesus?No,shesays,andisdunkedbackinthewaterandagainasked,HaveyoufoundJesus?No!,shesaysinexasperation,Areyousurethisiswherehefellin? 373 Shakespearewalksintoapub.Theblokebehindthecountersays,"I'mnotservingyou

    mate-you'reBard." 374 Twoparrotssittingonaperch.Onesaystotheother,"Canyousmellfish?" 375 Whyis6afraidof7Because7"ate"9

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    26/89

    376 Iwanttodiepeacefullyinmysleeplikemygrandfather.Notscreamingandyellinglikehispassengers 377 What'sredandinvisible?Notomatoes.

    378 Marge:"Homer,youneverlistentoanythingIsay!"Homer:"Thankyou.Iwouldlikeanomlet." 379 2cowsareinafield.thefirstcowsays"hmmifeelalittlebitsick"thesecondcowreplies"Shutup!oryou'llgetusbothkilled!" 380 whatisthesleepietsfish?akipper

    381 Apolarbeargoesintoabarandsaystothebarman"CouldIhaveapintofbeerand................................................apacketofcrispsplease?".Thebarmansays"Certainly-what'swiththeenormouspaws(pause)?" 382 Whatdoyoucallacowthateatsgrass?Alawnmoo-er 383 2robberswent2thegatesofhevenananglesaidgodthereis2robbersatthegatesgodsaidlettheminsotheanglewent2lettheminhecamerunninginandsaid"they'regone,they'regone,"god:whotherobbersnothegates!!

    384 Q:Whydon'tanteatersgetsick?A:Becausethey'refullofantibodies. 385 ATexanisbragging,asusual:"Youknow,"hesays,"IcangetinmyCadillacat7a.m.,drivealldaylongandstillbeonmyproperty.""Yes,"replieshislistener,"Ihadacarlikethatonce." 386 Amanwalksintoabarandhearssomeonesay,"Hey,youlookNICEtoday!!!"Heturnsaroudandasksthebartender,"Whosaidthat?"Thebartenderanswers,"Thepeanuts...they'reCOMPLEMENTARY!!!"

    387 TwosheepwerestandingonahillsideinScotland,onelooksupandsays"baaaaaaaaaa..."Theothersays,"Bloodyhell,Iwasgonnasaythat!" 388 Q-When'sthebesttimetohaveatoothpulled?A-Tooth-Hurty

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    27/89

    389 Amanwalksintoapub,goesuptothebar"Pintofbest"hesaystothebarman.WhilstwaitingforhisdrinkhenoticesthatVincentVanGoghissittingatoneofthetablesHegoesuptohimandsays"AreyouVincentVanGogh?""Yes"theoldmanreplies.

    "doyouwantapintVincent?""No,ta.I'vegotone`ere."390 Adogwalksintoabarandsaystothebartender,"Heybartender,it'smybirthday!Howaboutafreedrink?"Thebartendersays,"Surepal,thetoilet'sdownthehall." 391 SherlockHolmesandDrWatsonweregoingcamping.Theypitchedtheirtentunderthestarsandwenttosleep.SometimeinthemiddleofthenightHolmeswokeWatsonup."Watson,lookupatthestars,andtellmewhatyousee."Watsonsaid,"Iseemillionsandmillionsofstars."Homes:"andfromthatyoudeduce?"Watson:"Well,iftherearemillionsofstars,andinevenafewofthosehaveplanets,itsquitelikelytherearesomeplanetslikeearth

    likeearthoutthere.Andifthereareafewplanetslikeearthoutthere,theremightalsobelife."Holmes:"Watson,youidiot,somebodystoleourtent." 392 Whatisthelastthingafishsayswhenithitsawall?Dam! 393 Didyouhereaboutthemagictractor?Itwasdrivingdownalanethenitturnedintoafield! 394 Wheredoyoufindadogwithnolegs?Whereveryoulefthim.

    395 Threeguyswalkintoanofficebuilding...youthinkoneofthemwouldofnoticeditwasthere...396 Twopeanutswalkintoabar...........Onewasasalted397 Apparently1in5peopleintheworldareChinese.Andthereare5peopleinmyfamily,soitmustbeoneofthem.It'seithermymumordad,myolderbrotherColinormyyoungerbrotherHo-Cha-Chu.ButIthinkitsColin

    398 Whatdoyoucallamushroomwhobuysyoudrinksallnight?ArealFungitobewith. 399 Youknow,somebodyactuallycomplimentedmeonmydrivingtheotherday.Theyleftalittlenoteonmywindscreensayingparkingfine.Sothatwasnice 400 Q:Whydidtheeggcrosstheroad?A:Toresearchitsgeneology.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    28/89

    401 Q.Whatdidthemonksaywhenreturningtohismonestaryafteratriparoundtheworld?A.Theworldismycloister.402 Whatsblackandshinyandsailsthesevenseas?....Binbagthesailor!

    403 Whathasmorecourage,astumporarock?Arock,becauseit'salittleboulder. 404 Aneutronwalksintoabar.Heasksthebartenderforadrink.Whenit'sserved,heaskshowmuchitwillbe."Foryou,"thebartenderanswers,"nocharge."405 NewsFlashfromChicago:Manfoundfacedowninbathtubfullofmilkandcornflakeswithbananainrear!Policelookingforcerealkiller. 406 TwojellybabieswalkedintoabarwiththeirfriendtheHardGum.Whentheywentup

    togetdrinks,somecoughsweetswentuptothemandstartedhasslingthem.ThejellybabieswereabitscaredandwenttotheHardGumtoaskforabitofhelp.Hereplied,"I'mnotgoinganywherenearthem,they'rementhol!". 407 AturtlewaswalkingdownanalleyinNewYorkwhenhewasmuggedbyagangofsnails.Apolicedetectivecametoinvestigateandaskedtheturtleifhecouldexplainwhathappened.Theturtlelookedatthedetectivewithaconfusedlookonhisfaceandreplied"Idon'tknow,itallhappenedsofast." 408 Q:WheredoesaKingkeephisarmies?A:Inhissleevies

    409 Awomanwalkedintoabarandorderedadoubleentendre,sothebarmangaveherone.410 Wheredohorsesgowhentheyareinjuredorhurt?TheHorsepital. 411 It'sahotday,andeveryoneisonthebeach.Andit'sstrange,becauseeveryonehasboughtanice-creamcone,andisfeedingthesea-gullswithit;twogullstoeachperson.SoIwentboughtanice-cream,andstraightawaythegullscamedowntostealit.

    SoofcourseIchasedthemaway,buttheykeptoncoming,andthenthisoldmanwondersoverinmydirection.He'sgotanice-cream,andtwogullseatingit.Andhesays:"You'llneverstopthem,sodowhateveryoneelseisdoing:relax,enjoyyourself,andletthegullshavetheice-cream.....""Why?"Iasked."Because,"hesaid,"thatwayyou'llbechillingtwobirdswithonecone."("killingtwobirdswithonestone"...ofcourse)

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    29/89

    412 ReneDescartewalksintoabar.Bartendersays,"haveabeer?"Descartesays,"Ithink...not..."anddisappears.

    413 whydidthemousesqueak?'cositneededoiling 414 Whatdoyougetwhenyoucrossanelephantwitharhino?Hellifino. 415 Q:Name2crustaceansA:KingCrustacean&CharringCrustacean 416 abrainandasetofjumpleadswalkintoabar,"twopintsofbeerpleasebarman"asksthebrain"sorryguyscan'tserveyoutonight"repliesthebarman"whynot"asksthebrain"becauseyou'reoutyourheadandhe'sliklytostart

    somthing"417 I'veheardthatcardiovascularexercisecanprolonglife.Isthistrue?Yourheartisonlygoodforsomanybeats,andthat'sit.Everythingwearsouteventually.Speedingupyourheartwillnotmakeyoulivelonger;that'slikesayingyoucanextendthelifeofyourcarbydrivingitfaster.Wanttolivelonger?Takeanap.418 Twospiderswereplayingfootballinasaucer.Onesaystotheother:"I'mgettingreallyboredwiththis."Theothersays:"Don'tworry,we'replayinginthecupnextweek."

    419 whycan'tyoumilkamouse?'cosyoucan'tgetabucketunderit420 Inventionstoday:it'sreportedthatanewkindofpillowcasehasbeeninvented,madeoutofcordurouy.It'smakingheadlines.421 Thisguyiswalkingpastawoodenfence.Ontheothersideofthefenceisanasylum.Theinmatesareallscreamingatthetopsoftheirlungs,"Thirteen!Thirteen!THIRTEEN!!"Theguynoticesasmallholeinthefenceandhiscuriositynaturallygetsthebetterofhim.He

    takesapeekandafingersuddenlypopsoutandjabshimintheeye.Heyellsinpainastheinmatesstartshouting,"Fourteen!Fourteen!FOURTEEN!!" 422 What'sredandsitsinthecorner?Anaughtybus! 423 Whydidthechickencrosstheroad?Togettotheroosterontheotherside.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    30/89

    424 TwoBearsinanairingcupboard,whichoneisinthearmy?Theoneonthetank!!boomboom

    425 Alittleboymousegoesintoamusicshopandasksforamouse-organ.Theshopkeepersays:"That'sacoincidence,wehadalittlegirlmouseinhereyesterday,askingforthesamething."Themousereplies:"ThatmusthavebeenourMonica."426 Adoctorsaystohispatient,'Ihavebadnewsandworsenews'.'Ohdear,what'sthebadnews?'asksthepatient.Thedoctorreplies,'Youonlyhave24hourstolive'.'That'sterrible',saidthepatient.'Howcanthenewspossiblybeworse?'Thedoctorreplies,'I'vebeentryingtocontactyousinceyesterday'.

    427 Whatdobabyapessleepin?Apricots! 428 Twohunterswerewalkingthroughthewoods.Suddenly,anakedladysteppedoutofthebrushandsaid,"I'mgame!",sotheyshother.429 Man1"Mywife'sgonetotheWestIndies."Man2"Jamaica?"Man1"Noshewentofherownaccord":

    430 Howdoyoukeepyournosefromrunning?TeachittoWALK! 431 WhatcanyoueatinaCyberCafe?MicroChips 432 AyoungkaratechampionjoinedtheArmy.Thefirsttimehesaluted,hekilledhimself. 433 IfIhadapetnewtIwouldcallhim"Tiny",becausehe'dbemynewt.

    434 Ifcornoilcomesfromcorn,wheredoesbabyoilcomefrom?435 Apieceofstringwalksintoabaronedayandasksforabeer.Thebartendersays,"I'msorrybutwedon'tservestringinthisbar."Thepieceofstringwalksoutandreturnsthenextdayaskingforabeer.Noluck.Thebartenderturnshimawayagain,"Sorrybutwedon'tservestringinthisbar."

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    31/89

    Thenextdaythepieceofstringreturnstothebar,butbeforeentering,hetiesaknotinhimselfandmessesuphishair.Heentersthebarandasksforabeer."Aren'tyouapieceofstring?"thebartenderasks."No,"hereplies,"I'mafrayedknot."

    436 Whatwasborntosucceed?Abudgiewithabluntbeak!437 Whydogorillashavebignostrils?Becausetheyhavebigfingers! 438 Doctor.Doctor."I'vegotastrawberrystuckupmybum."Doctor."I'vegotsomecreamforthat." 439 Howmuchdoesapiratepaytohavehisearpierced?

    ABuccaner(buckanear) 440 AdrunkwasstandingonaLondonStreetcornershouting"Itcan'tbedone!Itcan'tbedone!"Justten,aBobbyaproachedhimandsaid:"Whatcan'tbedone?"Thedrunkanswered,"Look,upthereonthatsign,itsays'DRINKCANADADRY.'Itjustcan'tbedone...It'stooBloodybig!!!" 441 Amother&daughtergooutlookingforBarbieDolls,butcan'tfindanypricesintheshop,sotheyaskanassistanttohelp."ThisisSingleBarbie,shecost20,andthisisMarriedBarbie,shecosts40,andthisoneisDivorcedBarbie,shecosts250",saystheassistant."WhysomuchfortheDivorcedBarbie?"askthemother."Well,withtheDivorcedBarbie"

    saystheassistant"YougettheHouse,theCar,theChildren......" 442 Didyouhearaboutthenewrestaurantonthemoon?....Ihearthefoodisgreat,buttheatmosphereislousy. 443 Anewlymarriedmanaskshiswife,"Wouldyouhavemarriedmeifmyfatherhadn'tleftmeafortune?"

    "Darling,"thewomanrepliessweetly,"I'dhavemarriedyounomatterwholeftayouafortune." 444 MahatmaGandhi,asyouknow,walkedbarefootmostofthetime,whichproducedanimpressivesetofcallusesonhisfeet.Healsoateverylittle,whichmadehimratherfrailandwithhisodddiet,hesufferedfrombadbreath.Thismadehimwhat?

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    32/89

    Asupercallusedfragilemysticplaguedwithhalitosis.445 Twoshepherdsleanontheircrooksattheendofalongdayandthefirstasksthesecond,"So,how'sitgoing?"Thesecondonesighedandshookhishead,"Notgood,I

    can'tpaymybills,myhealthisn'tgood,mykidsdon'trespectme,andmywifeisleavingme."Thefirstreplied,"Well,don'tloseanysheepoverit."446 Jameswantedtostartanewhobby,andhedecideshe'sgoingtolearnanewflyingsport.Soheinviteshisfriendstocomeandwatch.Hetakesthemtothetopofacliff,andproducesthreebirdcages-onecontainingabudgerigar,thesecondcontainingachicken,andthethirdaparrot."What*are*youupto?"askedoneofhisfriends."Well,"saidJames,"Icouldn'tdecidebetweenbudgie-jumping,hen-glidingorparrot-shooting....soIthoughtI'dtryallthree."

    447 Hesaid'I'mgoingtochopoffthebottomofoneofyourtrouserlegsandputitinalibrary.'AndIthought'That'saturn-upforthebooks.'448 Apieceofstringwalksintoapubandasksforapint.Thebarkeepsays"Getout.Wedon'tservepiecesofstringhere."Thepieceofstringgoesaroundthecorner,tiesaknotinhismiddleandunravelshisends.Itgoesbackintothebarandagainasksforapint.Thebarkeepsays"Areyouthesamepieceofstringthatwasinhereaminuteago?"Thepieceofstringsays"I'mafrayedknot."

    449 World'sbestoxymoron:WindowsOperatingSystem450 LittleJohnnywatched,fascinated,ashismothergentlyrubbedcoldcreamonherface."Whyareyourubbingcoldcreamonyouface,mommy?"heasked."Tomakemyselfbeautiful,"saidhismother.Afewminuteslater,shebeganremovingthecreamwithatissue."What'sthematter?"askedLittleJohnny."Givingup?"451 Amaninahurrytakinghis8-year-oldsontoschool,madeaturnataredlightwhereitwasprohibited.

    "Uh-oh,IthinkIjustmadeanillegalturn!"themansaid."It'sokay,Dad"theboysaid."Thepolicecarrightbehindusdidthesamething."452 DidyouhearaboutthenewBarbieDolltheyaremaking?It'scalled"DivorcedBarbie".ShecomeswithallofKen'sthings. 453 Threemenwalkintoabar.Thefourthoneducks.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    33/89

    454 iwenttothedoctorstheotherdayand[whilstraisingmyhandintheair]isay"doctorithurtswhenidothis"thedoctorreplies"Welldontdoitthen"

    455 SometouristsintheChicagoMuseumofNaturalHistoryweremarvelingatthedinosaurbones.Oneofthemaskedtheguard,"Canyoutellmehowoldthedinosaurbonesare?"Theguardreplied,"Theyare3million,fouryears,andsixmonthsold.""That'sanawfullyexactnumber,"saysthetourist."Howdoyouknowtheiragesoprecisely?"Theguardanswered,"Well,thedinosaurboneswerethreemillionyearsoldwhenIstartedworkinghere,andthatwasfourandahalfyearsago."456 twonunswalkedintoabuilding..........youwouldhavethoughtthaywouldhaveseenit!!

    457 BigDiet-wellhere'syourplainpopcorn,nosalt,nobutter.-Soundsgood,it'llgogreatwithmyplainsalt,nopopcorn,nobutterandmyplainbutter,nosalt,nopopcorn. 458 OnedaylittleJohnnywasinhisbackyarddiggingahole.Hisneighbor,seeinghimthere,decidedtoinvestigate."Whatchadoin?"heasked."MygoldfishdiedandI'mburyinghim,"Johnnyreplied."That'sanawfulbigholeforagoldfish,ain'tit?"askedtheneighbor."That'sbecausehe'sinsideyourcat!"

    459 DidyouhearwhathappenedtothehyenawhoswallowedanOxocube?Hebecamealaughingstock... 460 Wenttothedoctorandhetoldmeiwouldhavetotakeapilleverydayfortherestofmylife.Heonlygaveme4???? 461 "Givemeasentenceaboutapublicservant,"saidateacher.Thesmallboywrote:"Thefiremancamedowntheladderpregnant."Theteachertooktheladasidetocorrecthim."Don'tyouknowwhatpregnantmeans?"she

    asked."Sure,"saidtheyoungstudentconfidently."Meanscarryingachild."462 MywifeandIwerehappyfor20years.Thenwemet... 463 Aneuroticisamanwhobuildsacastleintheair.Apsychoticisonewholivesinit.Apsychiatrististheonewhocollectstherent!

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    34/89

    464 DidyouhearabouttheInvisibleManthatmarriedtheInvisibleWoman?Yeah,theirkidsaren'tmuchtolookateither. 465 SothesevulturesdecidetoflytoFloridaonanariline.Theygotonboardcarryingsix

    deadraccoonsandtheflightattendantsays,"I'msorry,butthere'salimitoftwocarrionperpassenger." 466 Question:Howdoyoukeepanidiotinsuspense?Answer:Iwilltellyoulater.467 "Areyoualawyer?""Yes.""Howmuchdoyoucharge?""Ahundreddollarsforfourquestions.""Isn'tthatawfullyexpensive?"

    "Yes.Whatisyourfourthquestion?"468 what'sbrownandsticky?Astick. 469 eskimohusbandandwifeinanigloo.theyhear"thumpthumpthumpthump"ontheroof.thewifeturnstothehusbandandsays"whatsthatnoise?.Helooksoutthewindowandsays"dontworryluvit'sonlyraindear"(reindeer!) 470 Whyisonesideofa"V"ofgeesealwayslonger?Becausetherearemoregeeseonthatside.

    471 WhydoesWindowsmakecomputerscrash?Becausethere'sinsufficentmemorytoRAMthedoordown!(Ididn'texpectyoutolaugh,thisjokewas...ajoke!)472 Q:Didyouhearaboutthemagictractor?A:Itwasgoingdowntheroadandturnedintoafield. 473 Whydon'tcanibalslikeclowns?Becausetheytastefunny!!!!! 474 Whydocanibalslikemissionaries?Becausetheygivethematasteofchristianity!!!!

    475 Whatdoyoucallamusicianwho'sgirlfriendhasdumpedhim?Homeless. 476 Aguywalksintoabarwithapieceoftarmacandsaidtothebartender,"Givemeone,andonemorefortheroad."

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    35/89

    477 Aboywaswalkingdownthestreetwhenhewasstoppedbyamanholdingasofa.Themansaidtotheboy"HereyougoyoucanhavethissofafornothingIdon'tneeditanymore"theboythankedhimandtookthesofahometohisdad.Whenhearrivedhomehisdadwentmad,theboysaidtohim"DadIthoughtyouwouldbepleased"hisdadreplied"NosonwhathaveItoldyouabouttakingsuitesoffstrangers"!!!!!

    478 Q:Didyouhearaboutthemagictractor?A:Itwasgoingdowntheroadandturnedintoafield. 479 Amanwalkedintoabarandthebarmansaidtohim"Hellodoyouwantadrink?""Yesplease"repliedtheman.Thebarmanthengavehimadrinkandwaitedforhismoneybutthemandidn'tpaythebarmanarguedwithhimandsaid"Thats3.00please"butthemanreplied"NoyouaskedmeifIwanteddrinknotifIwantedtobuyone"alawyersittinginthecorneragreedsothebarmanlethimoffandbannedhimfromthepub.Thenextdaythemanwentbacktothepubandthebarmansaid"Oiare'ntyouthemanIbarredyesterday?""No"repliedtheman,"oh"saidthebarman"Youmusthaveadouble""YespleasesaidthemanI'll

    haveamaltwhiskey"!!!!!! 480 man#1:Mydoghasnonoseman#2:thenhowdoesitsmell?man#1:bad 481 whatisredandstandsinthecorner?anaughtystrawberry 482 agroupof99ostritchesisstandingaroundwiththeirheadsburiedinthesand,anostritchrunsuptojointhegroup,looksaroundandsays,"Hey!Wheredideveryonego?"

    483 Whatsawombatfor?ForplayingWom. 484 Therearetwoparrotssittingonaperch.Onesaystotheother,"Canyousmellfish?".............................!!! 485 Aduckwalksintoabar,andasksthebartender:"Gotanygrapes?"Thebartenderreplies:"Thisisabar,notamarket,wedon'thavegrapes";Theduckwalksoutofthebar,onlytoreturnthenextday;onceagain,theduckasksthebartender:"Gotanygrapes"?

    Thebartendersays;"look,Itoldyouyesterdaythatwedon'tsellgrapeshere!"Theduckleaves,butreturnsthenextday,withthesamequestion:"Gotanygrapes?".Thebartenderangrilyreplies:"look,Ihavealreadytoldyoutwicethatwedon'thaveanygrapeshere.NowgetoutofthebarbeforeInailyourlittlewebbedfeettothefloor!".Theduckwalksout,butcomesbackthenextday.Heasks:"Gotanynails?"Thebartenderreplies:"No,thisisn'tahardwarestore!".Ducksays:"Gotanygrapes?"

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    36/89

    486 Whatsthedifferencebetweenabisonandabuffalo?Youcan'twashinabuffalo 487 Therewasthreetomatoeswalkingdownastreet.Thedaddytomatoandthemammytomatowerewayaheadofthebabytomato.Thedaddytomatogotsoannoyedatthebaby

    tomatoforbeingsoslowthatheturnedaroundrealquicklyandsmackedhishandstogetherandroared"KETCHUP"!!!! 488 Apolarbeargoesintoapubandsaystothebarman:"I'dlikea.......................packetofsaltandvinegarcrispsplease."Thebarmanreplies,"Sure,butwhythebigpause?" 489 Athreeleggeddogwalkburstsintoawildwestsaloonandsays"I'mlookingforthemanwhoshotmypaw" 490 Agrasshopperwalksintoabar.Thebartendersays"hey!we'vegotadrinknamedafteryou!".Thegrasshoppersays"youhaveadrinknamedMurray?!"

    491 amanbuystwomonkeys.thosemonkeysmultiplyandsoonhe'sgot10monkeys.thecitygetswindofitandthreatensheavyfinesifhedoesn'tgetridofthemonkeys.Sothemancallshiscousinpedroandoffershim$50.00totakethemonkeystothezoo.acoupleofhourspass,pedrocallsandasksforfiftyMOREdollars!themansays"listen,ijustgaveyou$50.00totakethemtothezoo".Pedrosays"yes,butnowtheywanttogotothemovies!". 492 Aguyisdrivingdownthemotorway,knitting.Obviouslythisisdangerousdrivingasthedriverhasnohandsonthewheel,sobeforelongthepolicearecatchingupwithhim.Onepolicecardrivesupalongsidetheoffendingvehicle,andmotionsforhimtoopenhiswindow.

    "pullover!",thepolicemanshoutsacross."No-pairofsocks!" 493 Whatdoyoucallamushroomwhobuysyoulotsofdrinks?Afungitobewith! 494 Whoisapenguin'sfavouriterelative.HisAuntArtica! 495 Q.Whywasthereafishinthepiano?A.Becauseitwasapianotuna

    496 Q.Whatdoyougetifyoucrossabirdacarandadog?A.Aflyingcarpet 497 Q.Whatiswhiteandwalksthroughthedesert?A.Aherdofyoghurt 498 Q.What'sthedifferencebetweenatennisballandthePrinceofWales?

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    37/89

    A.Oneisthrowntotheairandtheotherisheirtothethrone. 499 Aguytriestoenteranightclubbutisstoppedatthedoorbythebouncerwhotellshimthathecan'tgetinwithoutwearinganecktie.Theguygoesbacktohiscar,looksaroundbutcan'tfindatie.Heseesasetofjumperleadsinthebacksoheputsthemaroundhisneckand

    tiesaroughknot.Hewalksbacktothenightclub.Whenthebouncerseeshimhelookshimoverandsays"OKyoucangoin-butdon'tstartanything" 500 whydidtheflydoanold-fashioneddanceonthejamjar?becauseitsaid"twisttoopen 501 whatdoyougetifyoucrossasnowmanwithavampire?FROSTBITE!!!502 Q.WheredidNapoleonkeephisarmies?A.Inhissleevies

    503 Howdoyoukillacircus?Goforthejuggler. 504 Asquareandacirclewalkintoabar.Thesquaresaystothecircle,"Yourround!" 505 Alinguisticsprofessorwaslecturingtohisclass."InEnglish,"hesaid,"adoublenegativeformsapositive.Insomelanguages,though,suchasRussian,adoublenegativeisstillanegative.However,thereisnolanguagewhereinadoublepositivecanformanegative."Avoicefromthebackoftheroompipedup,"Yeah,right."

    506 There'sasausageandanegginafryingpan.Thesausageturnstotheeggandsays:"Goshegg,it'sreallyhotinhere,isn'tit?"Theeggturnstothesausageandsays:"Ohmygod!Atalkingsausage!!" 507 Aguyphonesthelocalhospitalandyells"You'vegottasendhelp!Mywife'sinlabour!"Thenursesays,"Calmdown.Isthisherfirstchild?"Hereplies,"No!Thisisherhusband!" 508 Whatdidthepolicemansaytohisbelly?You'reunderavest!

    509 Whydidthechickencrosstheplayground?Togettotheotherslide!!!510 Whydodeepseadiversjumpoutoftheboatbackwardswhentheywanttogointothewater?Becauseiftheyjumpedforward,theywouldfallintotheboat. 511 Q:WhatdoyoutellamathematicianonaSaturdaynight?

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    38/89

    A:Don'tdrinkandderive.512 APROFESSORWASGIVINGONEOFHISLECTURES.INTHEMIDDLEOFHISLECTUREASTUDENTWROTE'FOOL'ONASLIPOFPAPER.HETHREWITATTHEPROFESSOR.THE

    PROFESSORSTOPPEDHISLECTUREANDTAKINGTHESLIPINHISHANDHESAID'WHICHOFTHEGENTLEMANHEREHASSENTMEHISVISITINGCARD?' 513 Amother-in-lawsenttwotiestoherson-in-law.Someweekslater,shewasinvitedforlunch,andsoheworeoneoftheminthehopeofpleasingher.Themealwasatenseanduncomfortableone,withtheMother-in-lawmaintainingastonysilence.Finallyshespoke."Alright,what'swrongwiththeothertie."514 Whatdidtheorangesaytothebananaonthestreetcorner?"Hi"

    515 Wywas6afraidof7?Because7ate9. 516 Afamilyoftortoiseswentintoacafeforsomeicecream.Theysatdownandwereabouttostartwhenfathertortoisesaid,"Ithinkitsgoingtorain,Junior,willyoupophomeandfetchmyumberella?"SooffwentJuniorforfather'sumberella,butthreedayslaterhestillhadn'treturned."Ithink,dear,"saidmothertortoisetofathertortoise,"thatwehadbettereatJuniorsicecreambeforeitmelts."Andavoicefromthedoorsaid,"IfyoudothatIwon'tgo." 517 whatdidbatmansaytorobinbeforetheygotinthecar?Robin,getinthecar

    518 Q.:Howdoyoucatcharhinowearingawool-hat?A.:Youkickit'sback.Thenlettherhinochaseyouaroundalakeuntiltherhinoishotandtakesoffthehat.Nowyoucancatchitlikeanormalrhino. 519 Therewasaknockonthedoorintheearlyhours.Themanwentdownstairs,openedthedoor,andavoicesaid"Willyougiveusapush,mate?".Themanwasveryangry,sayingthatthiswasaridiculoushourtobeknockingpeopleup,shutthedoor,andwentbackupstairs.Whenhiswifeaskedwhoitwas,hetoldhersomenutterwantingapush.Shesaid"Youshouldn'thaverefusedhim;don'tyourememberwhenwebrokedownandweregladofapush?",sohewentdownstairsagain,openedthedoor,andsaid"OK,mate,whereareyou?"Andavoicesaid"Overhereontheswings".

    520 Whyisatreebetterthanaguarddog?Ithasmorebark!521 Twoducksweresittinginapond,oneoftheduckssaid"Quack"Theotherducksaid"Iwasgoingtosaythat!" 522 What'sblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite?A:APenguinrollingdownahill.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    39/89

    What'sblackandwhiteandlaughing?A:ThePenguinthatpushedhim. 523 Whatdidthesmallrugsaytothelargerug?CovermeI'mcold.

    524 oldladyknocksdownacatasshedrivesalongthemainstreetapolicemancomesalongasshedrivesoff.hecalls"heyyoucan'tleavethatlyingthere.shecallsbackthatsnotalionit'sacat. 525 Howdotelephonesgetmarried?Theyjustgiveeachotheraring. 526 Anengineer,aphysicist,andamathematicianareonatraininScotland.Theengineerlooksoutthewindowandseesablacksheep.Hecomments,"Look,theyhaveblacksheepinScotland".Thenphysicistlooksandcomments,"Fromthisobservation,wecanonlysaythereisatleastoneblacksheepinScotland."Themathematicianthenlooksandcomments,

    "Actually,fromthiswecanonlysaythereisatleastonesheepinScotlandthat'sblackononeside." 527 Aproton,neutron,andelectronwalkintoabar.Theprotonordersadrink,andaskshowmuchitcosts.Thebartendersays,"fivedollars."Next,theelectronordersadrinkandaskshowmuchitcosts.Againthebartendersays,"fivedollars."Finallytheneutronordersadrinkandaskshowmuchitcosts.Thebartendersays,"foryou,thereisnocharge." 528 Whatdochiropodistseatforbreakfast?Cornflakes!:)

    529 Whathappenendtothecarmechanicthatfellasleepdreamingaboutcars?Hewokeupexhausted 530 Whydobirdssingandhummingbirdshum?Hummingbirdsdon'tknowthewords.531 Abusinessmanishurryinghomeonthemotorwayafteraharddaysworkwhenheisstoppedbyapoliceman.'Doyouknowyouweredriving30mphoverthelimit?'asksthepoliceman.'Eh,actualllyno,officer,it'sabigcaranditjustsortofcoastsalong...youknow...''AndwhatwereyouplanningondoingifyoumetMrFog?'demandsthepoliceman.'Well,'saysthebusinessman,thinkingitbesttoplayalong,'IsupposeI'deaseoffonMraccelerator,andswitchonMrheadlightsandMrwindscreenwipers'.Thepolicemanleansinthewindow

    andeyeballsthebusinessman.'IaskedyouwhatyouwereplanningondoingifyoumetMISTORFOG!'Andthrewthebookathim. 532 "You'reahigh-pricedlawyer!IfIgiveyou$500,willyouanswertwoquestionsforme?""Absolutely!What'sthesecondquestion?"

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    40/89

    533 teacher)"Jonnywhyareyoulateforclass"Jonny)"wellIwasonmywaytoshoolandIwasalmostherebutthjenIcrossedasignsayingSLOWsoIhadtogoreallyslowandthat'swhattookmesolong.534 What'sgreenandsings?ElvisParsley

    535 Q:Whydopeoplesayyouneverjudgesomeoneuntilyou'vewalkedamileintheirshoes?A:Becausethenwhenyoudoyou'llbeamileawayandhavetheirshoes. 536 Whatdoyougetifyoucrossamammalwithareptile?ANobelprize 537 Q:Whathappensifyoudon'tpayyourexorsist.A:yougetrepossesed538 Whathasfourwheelsandflies?Agarbagetruck.

    539 Me:AskmeifI'manorange!You:Areyouanorange?Me:No! 540 What'sthedifferencebetweenatrampolineandabagpipe?Eventuallyyougettiredofjumpingonatrampoline. 541 Amechanic,anengineerandacomputerscientistaretravellingtogetherinacar,whenthemotorsuddenlyfails.Themechanicandengineereachtryvarioustechniquestorestartthecar..."Pumptheacceleratoracoupleoftimes",saysthemechanic."No,"repliestheengineer,"turntheignitionkeywithouttouchingthepedal..."Thecarrefusestostart.

    Afterthefailureofseveralmoreattempts,thecomputerscientistconfidentlyannouncedhissolution."Let'sallgetoutofthecar,thengetbackin." 542 ApatientwalksintothedoctorsofficeandsaysdoctorIhavepainanywhereItouchmybodywithmyfinger!Thedoctorsaysthatsunusuall.Sohetellhertotouchherarmwithherfingerandshescreamsinpain.Hetellshertotouchherfootwithherfingersheyellsinaggony.Hetellshertotouchherlegwithherfingerandshescreams.ThedoctorthengoestothepatientandsaysjustasasIthoughyourfingerisbroken! 543 What'sredandinvisible?Notomatoes.

    544 "Thatsafunnyreptileyouhavewhatsitsname?""Tiny""WhydoyoucallitTiny""BecauseheisMyNewt" 545 PolicewerecalledtoaPizzaHutinLeedsattheweekendafterthebodyofaworkerwasfoundcoveredinmushrooms,onions,

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    41/89

    hamandcheese.Apolicespokesmansaidthatthecauseofdeathhadnotbeenestablished,buttherewasastrongpossibilitythatthemanhadtoppedhimself 546 Q:Whydoesanelephantpaintitsnailsred?A:soitwon'tbenoticedbetweenthe

    strawberries.Doesitwork?Well...everseenanelephantbetweenthestrawberries? 547 Whatisworsethanfindingamaggotinyourapple?-Findinghalfamaggotinyourapple. 548 Amanisdrivingdowntheroadwhenhegetspulledoverbyacopper.Thecopperdrawsacircleonthefloorandasksthemantostandinit.Whilethemanstandsinthecircle,thecoppergetsoutahammerandsmashesthecarsheadlights.Thecopperturnsaroundandseesthemanlaughing!Sothecoppergoesandsmaheseachofthecarswindows.Thecopperturnsaroundagainandseesthemanlaughingevenharder!Thefrustratedcopperthen

    shoutstotheman,"Whatthehellyoufindingsofunny??"Themanreplies,"Everytimeyouturnedaround,i'vebeenjumpinginandoutofthiscircle!! 549 Q:Whatliesonthebottomoftheoceanandquivers?A:Anervouswreck. 550 Alittlebabymouseiswalkinghandinhandtogetherwithhermother.Suddenlyabatcomesflyingintheair.Thelittlemousepoint'satthebatsaying:LookMammi,anangel. 551 Whatdoyoucallaprincesswhoworriesallthetime?Awarriorprincess.

    552 DidyouhearabouttheBuddhistmonkwhorefusedtohavehismouthfrozenwhenhewenttothedentist?Hewantedtotranscenddentalmedication. 553 Amanhadadogcalledminton.Onedaymintonatetwoshuttlecocks.Whentheownerfoundouthesaidbadminton!!!! 554 Aguytakesatripforashortholiday.Hiswifeisonabusinesstripthatisendingthenextdayandsheplanstoflydownandmeethim.Whenhearrivesathishotelhesendsheraquickmessage.Unabletofindthepieceofpaperonwhichhewrotehercompanye-mail

    address,hedoeshisbestfrommemory.Unfortunately,hedoesn'tgetitexactlyrightandthemessageisroutedinsteadtosomeonewhosehusbandrecentlypassedaway.Whenthegrievingwidowopenshere-mail,shetakesonelookathermonitor,screamsandfaints.Themessageonthecomputerscreenread:Mydarlingwife...justcheckedin,everythingispreparedforyourarrivaltomorrow.Lookingforwardtousbeingtogetheragain.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    42/89

    Yourlovinghusband.PSItsureishotdownhere.555 Icutthebottomoffoneofmytrouserlegstheotherdayandsentthemtothelibrary.Welltheresaturn-upforthebooks.

    556 SherlockHolmesandDrWatsonwentonacampingtrip.Afteragoodmealandabottleofwinetheylaydownforthenight,andwenttosleep.Somehourslater,Holmesawokeandnudgedhisfaithfulfriend."Watson,lookupattheskyandtellmewhatyousee."Watsonreplied,"Iseemillionsandmillionsofstars.""Andwhatdoesthattellyou?"Watsonponderedforaminute."Astronomically,ittellsmethattherearemillionsofgalaxiesandpotentiallybillionsofplanets.Astrologically,IobservethatSaturnisinLeo.Horologically,Ideducethatthetimeisapproximatelyaquarterpastthree.Theologically,IcanseethatGodisallpowerfulandthatwearesmallandinsignificant.Meteorologically,I

    suspectthatwewillhaveabeautifuldaytomorrow.Whatdoesittellyou?"Holmeswassilentforaminute,thenspoke."Watson,youpillock!Someonehasstolenourtent!"557 AguywalksuptothereceptionistinthePhyschiatrist'sofficeandsays"I'mtheInvisiblemanandI'dliketotalktotheDoctor".ShepokesherheadintothePhyschiatrist'sofficeandsaysthereisamanherewhowantstotalktoyouandheclaimshe'stheInvisibleman.ThePhyschiatristreplies"TellhimIcan'tseehimrightnow". 558 What'sblack,white,blue,andpurpleallover?Azebrawithabruise!

    559 Anunemployedjesterisnobody'sfool. 560 Wasthatwigexpensive?Howmuchdidyouhavetoupeeforit?561 Aneutronwalksintoabarandordersadrink.Whenheasksthebartenderhowmuchheoweshim,thebartendersays,"Foryou,it'snocharge." 562 WhatdoyoucallaSwissFinancierontheParisUndergound?Ametronome.

    563 Whydidthechickencrosstheroad?ToshowthepossumthatitCOULDbedone. 564 Twomenarehiredtodoajobinabuilding.Aftertheownerexplainseverything,heleaves.Whenhereturnsawhilelater,heseesonemanworkingdiligentlyandtheothermanhangingontheceiling,singing"I'machandelier,I'machandelier."Theownerordershimtocomedownandgetbacktowork.Awhilelatertheownerreturnstofindtheoneworkingdiligentlyandtheotherbackontheceiling,singing"I'machandelier,I'machandelier"again.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    43/89

    "That'sit"theownerreplies,"youarefired."Thentheownernoticesthatthemanwhohadbeenworkingallthetimewaspackingupallhisthingsalso."You'renotfired,justhim"theownersays.Themanreplies,"Areyoukidding?Ican'tworkwithoutanylight!" 565 Agroupofdentistsdecidedtosetupanewsurgery.Sincecompetitionintheirarea

    wasquitefierce,theywantedtheirnewbusinesstohavesomethinguniqueaboutit.Aftermuchthought,theydecidedtosetupshoponboardaboat,mooredonthebanksoftheriver.Asanaddedbonus,theyalsoofferedrivercrossingsintheboat,withthedentistryworkbeingperformedduringthecrossing.ThebusinessquicklybecameknownastheToothFerry.566 Agroupofastronaughtsareonthemoon.They'vebeenminingthesurface,andhavediscoveredthatitreallyismadeofcheese.Oneparticularareaofcheesethatthey'requiteinterestedinisalargeveinofbrie,andthey'vealreadybeentheretwice,andcollectedsamplestobereturnedtomissioncontrol.Allofasudden,theradiocracklesintolife:"Missioncontroltocheese-base-one-weneedyou

    togetathirdloadofthatbrie!"Buttheastronaughtsareunhappywiththeidea.Theytrytocomeupwithallsortsofexcuseswhytheyshouldn'tdiganymore..."It'llspoiltheenvironmentifwetaketoomuch.Wedon'twanttoleavethisplacelookingbad..."Afterall-haveyoueverseensuchasiteinyourlifeasbrieminedthrice?"567 Onceavillagebumwentonanairplaneforthefirsttime.Aftersometurbulencethevillagebumaskedthemansittingnexttohimtoopenthewindowsohecanthrowup.Themantoldhimthewindowcannotbeopenedsothevillagebumstartedbeatinguptheman.Soonaflightattendantcameandaskedhimthereasonforhisbehaviour.Afterlisteningtohis

    complainttheflightattendanttoldhimaboutthebarfbag.Afterawhiletheflightattendantcameandsawallthepassengersbarfing.Sincethevillagebumwastheonlyonenotthrowinguptheflightattendantaskedhimwhathadhappened.Tothisthevillagebumrepliedthatashewasthrowingupeveryonestaredathimsobeingembarassedhedrankitback. 568 Q.Whatdoyoucallawomanwhocanbalance4pintsofbeeronherhead?A.Beatrix 569 Whyareseagullscalledseagulls?Becauseiftheyflewoverthebay,they'dbebagels.

    570 Whatdidthesnailsaywhileridingontheturtlesback?WHEEEE!!! 571 earlyonemorningagentlemanwasdoinghispushupexercisesincentralparkwhenadrunkcamealongandtappedhimontheshoulderandsaid"saymisterithinkyourgirlfriendsgonehome" 572 Ihadadreamthatiwasamufflerlastnight.Iwokeupexhausted.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    44/89

    573 Whycan'tanEngineertellajoketiming. 574 Whydin'tthetedybearfinishitsdinner?itwasstuffed.

    575 AnAmerican,anAustralianandaJapanesemanbecomestrandedonatropicalisland.TheAmericandecidestotakechargeandsays."I'llbeinchargeofengineering"hethenlooksattheAustralianandsays"Youcanbeinchargeofbuilding"andfinallylooksattheJapanesemanandsays"You'reinchargeofthesupplies".TheyallwanderoffintothejungleandallexcepttheJapanesemanreturnafewhourslater.MonthsgobyandtheAustralianandAmericanhavemadedowithouttheJapanesemanandhavebuiltarigidbamboohut.Finally,onthehorizonaNavyhelicopterappearsandlandsofthebeach,theAustralianandAmericanjoyfullyrunuptoit.Suddenly,theJapanesemanjumpsoutfrombehindapalmtreeandscreams"SUPPLIES!!" 576 WhatmakesGodlaugh?

    Ans:Peoplemakingplans.....577 Dave:MeandthemissuswenttotheCaribbeanthisyearforoursummerholidays.John:Jamaica?Dave:No,shewentofherownaccord! 578 Q:Whydoelephantsdrink?A:Totryandforget579 Ablackmanwalksintoastorewithaparotonhisshoulder.theclerkaskwherehegothimfrom.theparotsaid,"Africa,thereisawholebunchofthemdownthere."

    580 Whatdoyoucallaboomerangthatdoesn'tcomeback?Astick. 581 Whatdoyoucallaflywithoutwings?Awalk582 Howdonunsboilwater?Theyboilthehelloutofit. 583 Amaleostrichwaschasingtwofemaleostriches.Theonefemalesaidtotheother,"He'sstartingtogainonus,webetterhide!"So,theystoppedandstucktheirheadsinthe

    sand.Themaleostrichsaid,"...Hey,where'dtheygo?" 584 A3leggeddogwalksintoabarandsays"Whoshotmypaw?" 585 Astringwalksintoabar,andthebartendersays"Wedon'tservestringshere".Sothestringgoesintoanotherbar,andthebartendersays"Wedon'tservestringshere".SothestringgoesintoANOTHERbar,andthebartendersays"Wedon'tservestringshere".Thestringgetsallmad,sohepullsandruffleshimselfallup.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    45/89

    Thestringthengoesintoanotherbarandthebartendersays"Wedon'tserve...hey?Arn'tyouastring?"andthestringreplies"Imafrayedknot". 586 WhenNASAfirststartedsendingupastronauts,theyquicklydiscoveredthatballpointpenswouldnotworkinzerogravity.Tocombattheproblem,NASAscientistsspentadecade

    and$12billiontodevelopapenthatwritesinzerogravity,upsidedown,underwater,onalmostanysurfaceincludingglassandattemperaturesrangingfrombelowfreezingto300C.TheRussiansusedapencil.587 Descarteswalksintoabar.Thebartenderaskifhe'dlikeabeer.Descartesreplies,"Ithinknot."Thenhedisapears. 588 Afishwalksintoabarandthebartendersayswhatwillitbe.Thefishreplieswater!589 Adepressedhorsewalksintoabar.Thebarmanaskshim,"Whythelongface?"

    590 Amangoestoapsychiatristandsays,"Doc,yougottahelpme.I'vebeenhavingthestrangestdreams.LastnightIdreamedIwasateepee,andthenightbeforeIdreamedIwasawigwam.Whatdoyouthinkitmeans?"Thedoctorponderedamomentandreplied,"Well,itsoundslikeyou'retwotents." 591 twopeanutswalkdownthestreetandonewasasalted.592 Q.whatdidthemalevolcanosaytothefemalevolcano?A.doyoulavamelikeilavayou! 593 Anewteacherwastryingtomakeuseofherpsychologycourses.

    Shestartedherclassbysaying,"Everyonewhothinksthey'restupid,standup!"Afterafewseconds,LittleJohnnystoodup.Theteachersaid,"Doyouthinkyou'restupid,LittleJohnny?LittleJohnnyreplied,"No,ma'am,butIhatetoseeyoustandingthereallbyyourself."594 Q:whydidthefootballcoachgotothebank?A:togethisquarterback! 595 Didyouhearabouttheshipthatranagroundcarryingacargoofredpaintandblackpaint?Thewholecrewwasmarooned.

    596 Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightblub?Togettotheotherside. 597 Whydidn'ttheClamsharehiscandy?BecausehewasShellfish598 Whatisthedifferencebetweenignorance,apathy,andambivalence?Idon'tknowandIdon'tcareonewayortheother.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    46/89

    599 APhilosopherandscientistwerebeingchasedbyalion.TheScientistlookedbackandmadeaswiftcalculation.Puffing,hesaidtothephilosopher-'wecan'toutrunityouknow'ThePhilosopherwasslightlyahead,hereplied'Iamnottryingtooutrunthelion,Iamtryingtooutrunyou!

    600 CharlesDickenswalksintoabarandordersaMartini.Bartenderasks"OliveorTwist?" 601 Whycan'tdalmationsplayhideandseek?Becausetheyarealwaysspotted. 602 Aninebriateentersarestaurantandasksthecashier,"Didyouseemecomeinthedoor,there?""YesIdid,sir.""Haveyoueverseenmebefore?""No,Ihaven't.""Then,howdidyouknowitwasme?"

    603 Whatdoyoucallaoneleggedballarenia'scostume?AOne-One604 Adoctorsaystohispatient,"Withoutthesetreatments,you'vegot3monthstolive,"andhandshimabill.Thepatientsays,"MyGod!Lookatallthese.Ican'tcomeupwiththiskindofmoneyin3months!"Thedoctorsays,"Alright!You'vegot6monthstolive." 605 Howdoyoumakeacatgowoof?Pourpetrolonit.

    606 Aswede(vegetable)walksintoalibraryandthelibrarianlooksupandsays"There'saturnipforthebooks"607 IfSondraLockemarriedElliotNess,divorcedhimandmarriedHermanMunster,she'dbeSondraLockeNessMunster. 608 Aguygoestothedoctorandcomplainshecan'tstopsingingthe"Green,GreenGrassOfHome".Thedoctorsaysit'stheTomJonesSyndromeTheguysasksifit'scommon.

    Thedoctorreplies:"It'snotunusual" 609 "Doctor,IusedtothinkIwasadog,butIreckonI'mcurednow-wow-wow!""Isee.Howlongdidyouhavethiscomplaint?""EversinceIwasapuppy.""Interesting.Well,justlieonthecouchthere.""ButI'mnotallowedonthecouch..."

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    47/89

    610 Q:Whatisbig,greyandsingstheBlues?A:ElephantGerald. 611 What'syellowandstupid?Thickcustard!!!!!

    612 KnockKnockWho'sthere?BooBoowhoDontcry 613 IfIeatthreecakesinthemorningandthreefortea...whatwillIhave/Answer:Atummyache 614 Apiratewalksintoapub.Anotherpatron,havingnevermetapiratebefore,wantstoknowthestoriesbehindthebattlescars.Hebuysthepirateapint,andstrikesupa

    conversation."How'dyougetthepegleg?""SharktookoffmelegintheSouthSeas.""Howaboutthathook?""Lostthehandinaswordfight.""Andtheeyepatch?""Seagullpoopedinmeeye.""Areseagulldroppingsreallythatdangerous?""No,butitweremefirstdaywiththehook."615 Amangoesintoapubandseeshisbestfriendplayingchesswithadog.

    Hesays"That'saverycleverdogyou'vegotthere!"towhichhisfriendreplied,"He'snotthatclever,hedoesn'toftenwin!" 616 AmagicianisveryhappybecausehehasgotajobontheTitanic.Sohegetsontheship,andthatnighthedoeshisactinfronthundredsofpeoplebutdoesn'tgetveryfarforhisparrotkeepsgivingawaytheanswers"It'sunderthetable.It'suphissleelve.It'sbehindhisback."Themagiciangoesoffthestageverydepressed,andthishappenedagainandagainandagainuntilonenight,unfortunaly,theshiphitanice-bergandsank!Luckily,themagicianandhisparrotescapedinalifeboat.Theysailedonandonfordayswithoutseeinganyone,andthroughallofthistime,theparrothadalookoftotalconfusiononhisfaceanddidn'tutterasingleword.Themagicianthoughtthattheparrotmustbesickofhunger,untilonedaywhen

    theparrotsaid."O.K.Igiveup.Wherehaveyouhiddenthestupidship???!!!!" 617 Amanisdrivingtoworkandiscalledonhismobile.It'shisbosssayinghe'sbeenpromoted.Themanissohappyhiscarwobblesintheroad.Alittlewhilelaterthereisanotherphonecallandhe'sbeenpromotedagain.Heissohappyheswervesintothemiddleoftheroadandbackintohislane.Laterthereisanotherphonecall.Forthe3rdtimeheispromoted.Heissooverwhelmedwithjoythatheswervesofftheroadandbangsintoatree.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    48/89

    Apassingcarstopsandamangetsoutandsays"Areyoualright,whathappened?"andtheothermanreplies"I'careered'offtheroad." 618 whydidthemermaidblushbecausetheseaweed!

    619 Whydidthemuddychickencrosstheroadtwice?Answer:HewasaDirtyDouble-Crosser! 620 Whydidthedogcrosstheroadtwice?Answer:Hewastryingtofetchaboomerang! 621 Whydoesamoonrocktastebetterthananearthrock?Amoonrock'salittlemeteor. 622 There'sthisguywithawoodeneye.He'sverysensitiveaboutit,sohedoesn'tgetoutmuch.Oneday,heseesanadforadance,andhedecidestogo.Hegetsthere,andheseesan

    attractiveyoungladywithagiganticnose.Hethinkstohimself"Well,shehasthathugenose.Maybeshe'llbemoreacceptingofmywoodeneye."Hewalksovertoherandsays"Wouldyouliketodance?"Shereplies"Oh!Wouldn'tI!"Heshouts"Bignose!Bignose!" 623 Guyissittinginabar.Abeautifulwomanwalksin.She'saknock-outandhecan'ttakehiseyesoffher.Shenoticeshimandsmiles.Shesashaysoverandsitsbesidehim.Shelooksintohiseyesandtellshim,"For$200I'lldoanythingyouwant."He'sastounded."Anything?!",heasksher."Yes,_anything_!",shereplies.Hetakesouthiswalletandslaps$200onthebar."Here's$200.Paintmyhouse!" 624 AmancamehomefromgolfingoneSaturdayalittlelaterthanheusuallydid.Hiswife

    askedhimwhy."Bobhadaheartattackanddiedrightthereonthe9thhole!"heexplained."Oh,mygoodness,howhorrible!"sheexclaimed."Nowonderyou'relate!""Yeah,"hesaid."Forthewholerestofthecourse,itwas'hittheball,dragBob,hittheball...'" 625 someonewaswalkinginstreet&carryingarabbit,anotheronemethim&ask:Howmuchdoesthisdonkeycost?themanreply:itisnotadonkeyitisarabbit,theanothersaid:Ididn'taskyouI'maskingtherabbit:)) 626 Whatsthedifferancebetweenasharkandalemon?

    Theybothswim,exceptforthelemon. 627 What'sblueandsquare?abananaindisguise 628 Amotherputherchildtosleepandthenwenttothekitchen.Shethensawhersonandheasked,"CanIhaveaglassofwater?"Themothergavehimaglassandhebackupstairs.Minuteslatertheboyreturnedaskingforaglassagain.Themotherwonderedwhatcouldmakeherchildsothirstyandwhenhecamebackdownaskingforanotherglassofwater,the

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    49/89

    mothersaid,"That'syourthirdglasstonight!What'swrongwithyou?Whyareyousothirsty?""Oh!"saidthelittleboy.Thewater'snotforme.Theroof'sonfire."629 Whatistheleadingcauseofdryskin?

    Towels630 Amanwalksuptothemaindeskalibraryandsaysinaloudcommandingvoicetothelibrarian,I'lltaketwohamburgers,nomayonnaise,andanorderoffries.Thelibrarianlooksupathim,shocked.Summoningupallthetestyauthorityshecan,shesaystohim,Sir,thisisalibrary!Themanpausesforonlyasplitsecondandthenleansoverclosetoher,cupshishandoverhismouthsoastodirecthisvoiceonlytoherear,andwhispers,I'lltaketwohamburgers,nomayonnaise,andanorderoffries.631 whatgoeshahabonk?amanlaughinghisheadoff!

    632 "Doctor!"saidthepatient."Ikeepseeingspotsbeforemyeyes."Thephysicianscratchedhishead,"Whyhaveyoucometome?Haveyouseenanopthalmologist?""No,"repliedthepatient,"justspots." 633 Twotelevisionswalkintoabarandthebarmansays"sorry,wedon'tserveyourkindinhere",andonetelevisionturnstotheotherandsays"we'renotgettingagreatreceptioninhere"634 Whydidtheprojectorblush?Becauseitsawthefilmstrip.

    635 Twopenguinsaresittinginabathtub.Thefirstoneasksthesecondonetopasshimthesoap.Thesecondonesays,"WhatdoyouthinkIam,atypewriter?" 636 Whyarechickensconsideredgoodemployees?Becausetheyworkaroundthecluck.637 Inadarknight,underastreetlantern,someoneseeksafteralostkey.Anotherhelpsseeking,andafterhalfanhourontheirknees,theotherasks:"Areyoureallysurethatyoulostyourkeyrightatthisplace?".Theoneanswers:"No,Ilostitfurtherdowntheroad,butherethelightningisbetter!".

    638 Ayoungladcamehomeafterhisfirstdayatschoolwasaskedbyhismotherhowdidheenjoyhisfirstdayatschool.Hetoldherthattheotherkidswereteasinghim.Theykeptlaughingandcallinghimbighead.Hismothertoldhimtoignorethem.Shealsotoldhimthattherewasnothingwrongwithhishead.Shethenaskedhimtogothestoreandgettenpoundsofpotatoes.Heaskedherwhatcouldusetocarrythemin.Shereplied----useyourhat. 639 Whyaren'telephantsallowedonthebeach?Theycan'tkeeptheirtrunksup.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    50/89

    640 Howdoyoukeepanidiotinsuspense?I'lltellyoulater... 641 Anelephantandamouseweretalkingtogether.

    Theelephantsaidtothemouse,"WhyamIsobigandstrongandheavyandyouaresotiny,weakandpunyandgrey?"Themousesaid,"Well,I'vebeenillhaven'tI!" 642 Customer:Waiter,there'saflyinmysoup.Waiter:Therecan'tbe.Weusedthemallintheraisinbread.... 643 ToTelltheweather,Gotoyourbackdoorandlookforthedog.Ifthedogisatthedoorandheiswet,it'sprobablyraining.Butifthedogisstandingtherereallysoaking

    wet,itisprobablyrainingreallyhard.Ifthedog'sfurlookslikeit'sbeenrubbedthewrongway,it'sprobablywindy.Ifthedoghassnowonhisback,it'sprobablysnowing.Ofcourse,tobeabletotelltheweatherlikethis,youhavetoleavethedogoutsideallthetime,especiallyifyouexpectbadweather.Sincerely,TheCAT 644 Agroupofmanagersweregiventheassignmenttomeasuretheheightofaflagpole.Sotheywenttotheflagpolewithaladderandmeasuringtape.Theykeepfallingofftheladder,

    droppingthetapeandthewholethingisinamess.Anengineercomesalongandseeswhattheyaretryingtodo.Hewalksover,pullstheflagpoleoutoftheground,layitflat,measuresitfromendtoend,givesthemeasurementtooneofthemanagersandwalksaway.Aftertheengineerleft,onemanagerturnstoanotherandlaughs.''Isn'tthatjustlikeanengineer?Wearelookingfortheheightandhegivesusthelength!'' 645 Ahusbandsteppedononeofthosepennyscalesthattellyouyourfortuneandweightanddroppedinacoin."Listentothis,"hesaidtohiswife,showingherasmall,whitecard."ItsaysI'menergetic,bright,resourcefulandagreatperson.""Yeah,"hiswifenodded,"andithasyourweightwrong,too."

    646 AmanwalksintoapubandseesVincentVanGoghsittinginthecorner."FancyapintVincent?"heasks"Nothanks,"VanGoghreplies,"I'vegotone'ere."647 Manwalksintoabarandimmediatelynoticestwopiecesofmeatnailedtotheceiling."What'swiththemeat?",heasksthebarman.

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    51/89

    "Oh,that'sjustalittlecompetition.",thebarmanexplained."Ifyoucanjumpupandcatchapieceofmeatbetweenyourteeth,thenyougetafreedrink."."Ifyoufail,however,youbuythewholebaradrink."."Wouldyouliketohaveago?",thebarmanasked."Idon'tthinkso",repliedtheman,"thesteaksaretoohigh."

    648 Amangoestothedoctorsandsays'Ihaveaproblemdoc,Ican'tsaymy'f's,my't'sormy'h's.Thedoctorsays'wellyoucan'tsayfairerthanthat'. 649 Q.Whathaveanorangeandaparrottgotincommom?A.Neitherofthemcandriveatractor. 650 Twoorangesarewalkingdowntheroad.Theoneorangesaystotheother,"So,wheredoyoulivethen?"andtheotherreplies,"I'mnottellingyou,you'llnickmywashingofftheline!"

    651 sontomother"there'samanatthedoorwithabill"mothertoson"don'tbesillyitmustbeaduckwithahaton" 652 Whyareelephantsbig,greyandwrinkled?Becauseiftheyweresmall,whiteandsmooththeywouldbeaspirin. 653 Didyouhearaboutthemanthatwaswalkingdownthestreetandturnedintoahotel? 654 Afrogtelephonesapsychichotlineandistold:"Youaregoingtomeetabeautifulyounggirlwhowillwanttoknoweverythingaboutyou.""Great!"saysthefrog."WillImeet

    herataparty?""No,"repliesthepsychic."Nextyear,inabiologyclass." 655 Q:Howmanypragmatistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?A:One. 656 Amangoesintoapetshoptobuyaparrot.Theshopownerpointstothreeidenticallookingparrotsonaperchandsays:"Theparrottotheleftcosts500dollars"."Whydoestheparrotcostsomuch?"thecustomerasks.Theownersays,"Well,itknowshowtouseacomputer."Thecustomerasksaboutthenextparrotandistold"Thatonecosts1,000dollarsbecauseit

    candoeverythingtheotherparrotcandoplusitknowshowtousetheUNIXoperatingsystem."Naturally,theincreasinglystartledmanasksaboutthethirdparrotandistold"Thatonecosts2,000dollars."Needlesstosaythisbegsthequestion"WhatcanITdo?"Towhichtheownerreplies"TobehonestIhaveneverseenitdoathingbuttheothertwocallhimboss!"

  • 7/27/2019 1001 Jokes

    52/89

    657 Howdoyoukeepanelephantfromcharging?Takeawayhiscreditcard! 658 Whatdidthenecktiesaytothehat?YougoonaheadandI'lljusthangaround.

    659 Twostatisticianswhenduckhunting.Notbeingverygood,theydidnotseeaduckallday.Justastheyagreedtoleave,aduckflewoutinfrontofthem.Bothaimedandfired.Oneshotwenttwometrestotheleftoftheduck,theothertwometrestotheright,andtheduckescaped.However,theywenthomeveryhappy,becaus


Poor jokes

Poor jokes

Offensive Jokes

Offensive Jokes

Best Jokes by YerramsettiSaiBest Jokes by YerramsettiSai

Best Jokes by YerramsettiSaiBest Jokes by YerramsettiSai

Jiha Jokes

Jiha Jokes

Hindi Jokes

Hindi Jokes

Math Jokes

Math Jokes

Halloween jokes!

Halloween jokes!

1001 Jokes - Richard Wiseman - WordPress.com

1001 Jokes - Richard Wiseman - WordPress.com

Homonym Jokes

Homonym Jokes

Cool Jokes

Cool Jokes

Jokes podcast.ppt

Jokes podcast.ppt

Chinese Jokes

Chinese Jokes

Best Jokes

Best Jokes

Jokes SMS [Santa Banta Jokes]

Jokes SMS [Santa Banta Jokes]

Gujju Jokes

Gujju Jokes

Telugu Jokes

Telugu Jokes

Jokes -lawyer

Jokes -lawyer

Computer jokes

Computer jokes

Bisaya Jokes

Bisaya Jokes

Blonde jokes

Blonde jokes