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10 Worst Jobs to have in the Action film Universe

Posted Mon July 03, 2006: 8:45 PM

Movie Review

Hollywood has many s tandards: obligatory nipple shots, keeping michael bay employed for some reason, preventing

Asians from being in movies and most importantly having well defined action film formulas. Inside that world there certain

stereotypes and profiles have become so familliar you expect to see them, and others when you do see you feel pity for.

Here is a list of the 10 most undesireable jobs in that setting.

10. Cab driver w ho takes instructions from a

passenger to "follow that car".

Least of all he can expect to be paid, more often than not he will either

lose his car/life obeying any of the characters who ordered him to chase.

This is a mistake as your average cabby has no experience in driving

around gunfire. The most likely scenario is the driver will end up on the

side of the road exclaiming "My Taxi!" as the smoldering ruin of a once

yellow cab cries black tears of burning oil into the sky.

Camera time: If there's a good chase scene here not only do you get

some good face time in an action scene but you might even get a little

back and forth with the male lead: "I'm going as fast as I can!", "A drug

syndicate in San Diego?" or my favorite "They're shooting at us!".

Last seen: Shaking his fist on the side of road.

9. Pool Hall Badass

Most likely a biker, or a merchant marine looking for

trouble, in the big time eighties cinema this populace

suffered heavy casualties at the hands of Chuck Norris,

Jean Claude Van damme and Steven Segal respectively.

If "seemy underbelly" can describe any portion of your

action film, someone will get dispatched onto a pool

table. These people can't leave well enough alone either,

the lone wolf star of the movie shows up with a bad

attitude, and even though you've all got guns and

outnumber the dude you just know he's going to beat

the snot out of you.

Camera time: Short. You may even get your ass

beat entirely with your back to the camera. Especially if

you're the third guy to come at the hero. Its a known fact that the higher number in the queue you are to receive a beating

from the title character the faster you are dispatched. Par example, Degenerate #1 Catches a fire extinguisher in the face

and then is kicked in the sternum after he is down. Thug #2 Has the pool cue he was attacking with taken away and broken

over his head. Assailant #3 Is dealt with by simply being thrown onto a pool table. Anything beyond that and you're looking

at getting hit with one of the other guys who was attacking, or getting slapped.

Last seen: Facedown in what looks like broken glass and vomit.

8. Manager who knows the combination to the bank vault

With the advent of the Internet as a mystical plot device, a criminal will discover the identity and address of this hapless

employee with ease. It's a fifty fifty chance on getting killed, but usually he will be harmed in some way to get the

combination, be it the gun butt to the back of the head, a savage beating, right down to jostled and yelled at like a little

bitch.

Camera time: Not great, you just look like a pussy most of the time getting your shit ruined when they find out you

don't have the code or are lying about not having it.

Last seen: Cowering behind something

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Fig A: Prisoner knows his boys are coming to break him out.

Fig B: Officer thinks threats of revenge sodomy are unfounded.

Mr. Harding learned the hard way not t o inform on the Syndicate

of Pickles and Assassins.

This man is failing t o notice the spy dressed as a b ox on

monitor one there. He will be dead inside 3 minutes.

7. The Father/ former master of he Star of the Movie

Really unfavorable in terms of relationships to the main character. Seven eigths of all action movies involve someone

getting revenge for their father/former master. This leaves the father role in pretty bad shape. So watch out next time

you're an under cover cop in a shady drug deal, or you stumble onto an arms smuggling ring, or your kung fu school just

got to the finals, you're next.

Camera time: If the director honors cheesy dream sequences or memory cut aways you'll be dropping pearls of

wisdoms via cheesy flashback.

Last seen: Tearful funeral where the hero vows his revenge.

6. Officer Transporting Dangerous

criminal (prison bus drivers)

If the film takes time to show a dangerous criminal

being moved from point A to point B, 96% of the time

someone is waiting around bend #1 in the road with an

RPG to take out the escort car. 4% of the time a

diversionary road block or fake accident is waiting to

waylay the convoy so that someone on a nearby hill with

an rpg can take out the escort car.

Camera time: Decent for a bit actor, you may even

get one or two lines: "Quiet down back there" & "Look

out!"

Last seen: Doubled over the steering wheel. or

discarded on the side of the road a little blood coming

out of his ears.

5. Informant

There are more informants in the atlantic than

dolphins.

Camera time: Not much. Movies kill informants

faster than cockblocks kill game at a frat party.

Last seen: In a newspaper that the Chief of police

slams down on the table proclaiming that he was the

only lead. And that you as the main character may infact

be dangerous/reckless.

4. 2nd male lead lookalike

God forbid you look anything like the main Villain, orhell if you're the body double for the president or some foreign king the same rules apply: You are fucked. No punches are

pulled in killing the body double, vats of acid, tall buildings, or just the plain old bullet to the dome. Many times its worse if

they discover you're the double and they may beat you a little before shooting you.

Camera time: Not a lot, but you'll get some vanity camera time trying to fool the audience into thinking it was actually

the hero in that helicopter that blew up, or that was the REAL "presidente" they stuffed into a trash compactor.

Last seen: In slow motion seconds before the C4 beneath your bed blew up.

3. Security Guard (Control room)

Most of the time you get to sit around eating donuts,

dozing off or being distracted by a small black and white

television. This job is a hot spot for tear gas and brutal chops

to the back of the neck. A good rule of thumb is that if the

power happens to go out for five seconds, go to full scale

alert. If one of the cameras goes out, and then turns back

on, and it doesn't look quite right, like it might be a still

picture of what the security camera sees and not the feed, go

to full scale alert. And for god sakes if a patrol inexplicably

goes silent don't go searching for him by yourself with a

lonely flashlight, he's dead, go to full scale alert. It doesn't

matter what you're guarding or watching, or how much you

don't even like the job. People hate you, and will come

busting through that door and get a gun on you before you

can draw yours. Control room security guards have

notoriously slow draw times.

Camera time: Little, Fooling the control room security guard has become so ubiquitous in films, people barely

elaborate on it anymore so the process has been greatly expedited.

Last seen: On the floor of the control room wondering why the the closed circuits TVs aren't on the other side of the

room so you can watch them AND the entrance to the room at the same time.

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Action motorists are drawn to this man.

"This is patrol 1, I heard a noise in science

bay 3." .... "oh my god...." "OH MY GOD"

2. Fruit cart proprietor inShanghai

This poverty stricken subsection of the street

merchant caste is one summer blockbuster away from

the endangered species list, they are currently

designated as: threatened. Action stars have made it

hard, nay impossible to make a living selling fruit on the

street, a constant barrage of cars flying into your

impromptu store front, bad guys falling through the cart

awnings from rooftops, or a perp getting riddled with

bullets and getting blown onto your precious edible

wares.

Camera time: Little and less. You might get a long

distance look of shock but that's about it.

Last seen: Diving into the stacks of chicken cages holding his rice paddy coolie hat on.

1. Security Guard (On patrol)

The absolute least favorable job to have, equivalent to the "short straw"

in the henchmen community. In films the patrolling security guard is

targeted by heroes and villains alike. Currently James Bond is tied with

every ninja ever on most patrolling gaurds killed. Cinema has a veritable

genocide going against patrolmen, who not only die when the villains come

a knocking, but also are the first to discover there's a werewolf, or some

kind of alien, or robot with a taste for human blood on the loose. In patrol

people populations scientists and researchers can discover trends among

monsters and criminal behavior, based on number and brutality of the kill.

These deaths don't just happen in the woods surrounding the head quarters

to your para-military organization either, if you're a guard walking the high

outside wall or perhaps rooftop of a building, and you hear a noise, you are

seconds from going over the edge or hearing the whine of a sniper round

moving rapidly towards an appointment with your head.

Inside of buildings the chances are no better. If you stop to smoke a

cigarette, or cough, that is a clear go signal to any nearby opportunists to

club you over the head, drag you into a bathroom and swap clothes with

you. God forbid you walk near a railing, you're going over it. Don't back up

into any shadowy corners either, you're begging for an effortless neck snap.

Camera time: Sadly very little time is given to these stalwart bellwethers of the plot. Now and again you'll get a good

scream from one when he gets hit with the "Death ray of incredible pain" or a "Oh my god Vin Diesel is beating the shit out

of me" but its pretty thin.

Last seen: In a pile wherever they landed, being reported by the patrol replacing him telling us that "They got Carter, it

looks like some kind of animal did this", or "He's here", or "They're using some kind of inside out ray" or "I didn't know

someone could get sodomized to death" or the classic "Alarm! Alarm! Herr Indiana Jones ist nahe!"

- Ka i

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Contact: ka i@7hm.ne t

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