Becoming a Couple:Chapter 7

Forming an Intimate Relationship

Some sociologists say that only 10 percent of contemporary marriages are truly monogamous.

In western countries, serial monogamy is practised (marriage to several spouses after the other)

People believe when they marry it will be forever.

Attraction, Mate Selection and Romance

Refer to your handout on the Theories of Attraction

Romantic Love Buss (1994) Women would not marry a man

who she did not love or could not love. Robert Sternburg, Romantic love has

three stages: 1) Passion – Sexual desire, develops quickly 2) Intense friendship of intimacy –

develops slower, sharing of each others self 3) Commitment - to maintaining

relationships, it grows, individuals accept reciprocal roles.

Represented as a triangle – balance of the 3

Courtship Courtship – to win the affection of those

who we are attracted to. Men and women display qualities that would make them good mates.

Has evolved over time – Dating in the 20’s men would ask a girl out and pay for the dinner etc. Brought to family immediately. Committed early in relationship.

1930’s – “Going Steady” exclusive relationships

Now, more money and free time to date

Dating and Marital Success Dating is not an indicator of marital

success, but love is. Being in love when you marry is the greatest factor for success.

Couples who are deeply in love or who remember being in love when they marry have greater chance for success.

Today, dating is less formal, less restrictive. Careers are put first.

Role Expectations in Marriage

Roles have changed, less traditional, less restrictive.

According to the systems theory, a couple must discuss the hidden rules of their marital system.

Arrangements need to be agreed upon – Rules for division of labour, and decision making.

Stages in Marriage

Marriage is most difficult between 5-10 years. Many challenges that take place over time.

There are 3 predictable stages in marriage:

1) Relationships are romantic, warm and respectful. Lots of sexual attraction.

2) Conflict arises as individuals become more demanding in meeting their own needs.

3) Couples compromise and negotiate a relationship that is more realistic, mature and stable.

Challenges to Marriage

Some couples might face Non Normative Crises, such as unemployment, infertility, illness and infidelity.

Couples who achieve a resolution to their problems in their first stage establish a marital system, the characteristic structures that they will rely on when they need to resolve problems in the future.

Defining Success

Characteristics of Success

Similar values, enjoy similar leisure activities, pooling income, sharing power in decision making, common friends, social life together.

Conflict and Power in marriage

Conflict occurs due to the changing roles that take place throughout the duration of a marriage.

Conflict is inevitable, but handling the conflict productively is the key factor.

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Conflict and Power in Marriage

Common Issues Conflicts due to time, sex and money Balancing job and family Frequency of sexual relations Debt brought into marriage Financial situations Household tasks

Marriage in the Future

Feminist sociologist Pepper Schwartz described future marriages to be “Peer Marriages” where there is no more than a 60:40 division of household chores, and child care roles.

Marriage is placed ahead of careers, means sacrificing opportunities.

The End!