© Kimberly Schehrer · assumptions that your teen may use to justify that he is unworthy, are that...

© Kimberly Schehrer - www.thinkafi.com

Copyright © 2015 by Kimberly Schehrer

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Content by Kimberly Schehrer

501 Mission St.

Santa Cruz, California 95060

www.thinkafi.com


Why Motivation Is Not Your Teen’s Problem

5 Surprising Steps to Academic Success

My heartfelt appreciation to my daughter Ashlyn for her

contribution to this e-book. She typed the manuscript, provided

editorial notes and participated in several brainstorming

sessions, which resulted in some key insights to the book.

Above all else, I am deeply grateful for her support, inspiration,

and encouragement to make my vision of an e-book a reality.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

High School is a Tough Job!

3 Strategies for Your Teen’s Success

Common Thought Distortions

The Power of Active Listening

Why Boundaries Matter

Help Your Teen Succeed by Getting Organized!

Help Your Teen Succeed by Managing Time!


Why Motivation Is Not Your Teen’s Problem

5 Surprising Steps to Academic Success

Your teen is struggling in school. He is missing assignments. He doesn’t

appear to put forth much effort on his schoolwork. His grades are slipping.

He is irritable and anxious. His self-esteem is declining. You feel

frustrated, confused, and overwhelmed. What can you do?

High school is a tough job!

Your teen has begun a serious and difficult journey—to become an adult.

High School is the laboratory where she will discover and examine her

values—and struggle with the key questions of life: Who am I? and What

do I want to be in the world? She is constantly comparing herself to her

peers and worrying that she won’t measure up. Academic performance

has taken on a new level of pressure, especially if she is college-bound.

Study habits that worked in middle school may no longer be productive.

You have expectations for her—you want her to succeed!


All this adds up to a lot of stress.

I have been an Education Consultant for over ten years and through

my experience I have discovered the key factors that hinder most

teenagers in their academic success. Committed to helping teens

succeed, I developed a system that has changed the lives of many

families and helped numerous teens face, and conquer, their academic

struggles. But before we delve into the solutions, we first have to

understand the problem.

Your teen needs YOU (even though she disagrees!)

The first key to helping your teen is to realize that it is highly likely that you

are misinterpreting their behavior as not caring, lazy, or defiant. What is

really behind that behavior is typically something quite different. More

likely, she is overwhelmed by the new demands put on her. The truth is

that your teen needs support and encouragement from you even though it

appears she isn’t listening. The good news is there is a LOT you can do!

In this e-book, you’re going to learn 3 key strategies that will help your

teen breakthrough to the success he wants and that you want for him.

Become aware of the limiting beliefs that

sabotage their confidence

Help them get productive by using a few

simple organizing tools

Show them how to prioritize and

manage their time effectively so they

can succeed!


The Story of Abby

Abby is an intelligent 15-year-old

who is staying home from school

today (again) to catch up on missed

assignments. Her grades are

slipping from a ‘B’ average to a ‘C’

average. The skills which worked in

Jr. High School no longer support

her. She is irritable and overwhelmed. Except for her friends, she hates

school. Abby’s self-esteem continues to decline because she is struggling

with the increased demands of high school and she feels inadequate and

“stupid.”

Unbeknownst to Abby, her core belief is, “I am unworthy”. Abby believes

her worthiness comes from the outside, from her external success. Rather

than opportunities for growth, Abby views setbacks and obstacles as

“failures.” Consequently, she fears failure because she wants to avoid

feeling inadequate. In her mind, the answer to feeling valuable is simple:

Perform perfectly and avoid failure.

Perfectionist tendencies are born from a fear of failure. A behavior pattern

for Abby is that she waits until she has enough time to put forth a lot of

effort into her homework. Perfect work is no small feat!


The problem is that Abby never finds the time to work on her homework

because after school, she has cheerleading practice until 5:30 in the

evening. When she returns home at 6:00 pm, she showers and changes

clothing. She has a half-hour to work on homework before dinner at 7:00

but 30 minutes certainly isn’t enough time for Abby to be perfect.

After dinner, Abby works on a few easy assignments due the next day.

The History paper due on Friday can wait until another day. Before falling

asleep Abby tells herself, “I work most efficiently when I wait until the last

minute.” Her statement is a false rationale to justify her behavior. It also

serves to reduce Abby’s stress about not having worked on her paper as

she intended.

Friday is finally here. While Abby’s friends are elated to end their school

week, Abby is feeling sad. She perfected procrastination on her History

paper and consequently, she didn’t complete it.

She is given a 0% for the

missing assignment, which

negatively impacts her

overall grade for the

quarter and her self-

esteem.


What are your teen’s limiting beliefs?

Awareness of false assumptions is the initial step to changing

perspective, developing self-acceptance, and achieving better grades in

school. Your teen needs support to bring his limiting beliefs into

awareness.

Core beliefs are deep and basic beliefs which are developed in childhood.

As your teen navigates his world, he filters his experiences into a core

belief category. One general core belief is “I am worthy”. Some common

assumptions that your teen may use to justify that he is unworthy, are that

he is “incompetent”, “stupid”, or a “failure”. These judgments cause your

teen to feel sad, disappointed, or hopeless. With enough negative

perspectives on his experiences, the fear of failure may arise.

The fear of failure often drives your

teen’s behavior to avoid failure at any

cost in order to protect him from

further negative emotions. The irony

is that the negative core belief and

fear results in self-sabotaging

behaviors that actually justify the core

belief instead of challenging it to disappear.

Often, teens are unaware of deep-seated beliefs (sometimes parents too!)

or the fallacy of their negative perspectives which reduces their sense of

self-esteem and their level of happiness. As a result, your teen self-

sabotages his achievement in school. Abby serves as an excellent

illustration of a faulty core belief structure and its impact on her self-

esteem and school performance.


Common Thought Distortions

“Your life is what your thoughts make it.” – Marcus Aurelius

All or None Thinking: Your teen thinks that they are either a

success or a failure. For example, your teen may have a 4.0

and then takes a tough class and on his first test he receives

a 70%. He then thinks that he’s a failure and then judges

himself as “inadequate.”

Over generalizing: Clues that your teen may be over

generalizing is when she uses extreme

words like “always” or “never.” For

example, your teen overhears another

student talking negatively about her to

his friends, and then your teen

automatically thinks to herself that “no

one likes me.”

Catastrophizing: Your teen takes a negative event and

concludes the worst case scenario. An example would be that

your teen gets a C- on his trigonometry exam and thinks to

himself that he won’t pass the course, and if he doesn’t pass

the course he’ll have a low GPA, and then he won’t be able to

get into college, and then his life will be ruined, and so on.


Personalizing: Your teen experiences a negative situation

and thinks she is completely responsible for the result. For

instance, your teen may give study tips to a friend and the

friend ends up scoring below par. Your teen feels responsible

for that grade, even though she had no control over how her

friend studied.

Blaming: Your teen blames other people for his choices. Take

the previous example, only in this scenario your teen is the

one who does poorly on the test. As a result, he blames the

friend that gave him study tips instead of taking responsibility

for his own choices.

“Should” assumptions: Your teen may have certain

expectations of herself. For instance, “I should be accepted

into Stanford if my GPA is high enough.” “I must get an A on

this exam to get into Stanford.”

Minimizing the positives and maximizing the negatives: It’s

your teen’s first day of high school and he likes his classes

and teachers, and even made a few friends. However, he was

tardy to the last class period and instead of focusing on the

positives of the day, he feels stressed about the one negative

thing that happened.

Jumping to conclusions: Your teen makes a conclusion

without clearly defined facts. For example, she notices two

classmates looking over at her while they’re talking, and she

automatically assumes they’re talking about her.


The Power of Active Listening

“…Listening [is] not only to the words,

but also to the feeling of what is being

conveyed…” – Jiddu Krishnamurti

Remember that your teen actually

believes these distorted thoughts. For

them, the feelings that go along with a statement like “Lilly will hate me

forever” are real. It’s more helpful when you handle the issue with

gentleness and compassion, using the technique of active listening. This

approach guides them into other considerations instead of simply telling

them, “That’s irrational – Lilly isn’t going to hate you forever.”

One of the best methods to discern your teen’s limiting beliefs and to offer

different perspectives is by active listening. This process will reveal some

irrational thoughts, false assumptions, and may unveil his core belief.

Active Listening has a huge impact and will definitely result in your teen

feeling supported and valued.

Steps to Active Listening

Engage: Be open, give direct eye contact, say “yes” or nod

occasionally, avoid negative body language, and be free of

distractions.

Suspend Judgment: Don’t give a rebuttal and refrain from

reacting with an emotional response.


Clarify: Ask your teen relevant questions to encourage him to

expand his perspective and feelings and help you learn more about

your teen’s inner reality.

Reflect: Periodically, paraphrase what your teen has said so he

knows you are present and understand his perspective and

feelings.

Summarize: Repeat your teen’s main points. This shows that you

have really heard and acknowledged them.

If your teen’s emotional charge hasn’t lessened by the end of his story,

then he probably will be too sensitive to receive alternative perspectives

on his experience. It is best to revisit the situation at another time after his

emotions have calmed.

The Story of Michael

Dad: How was school?

Michael: It was humiliating!

Dad: What happened?

Michael: I don’t want to talk about it

right now.

Dad: Okay, but if you want to talk, I

am available to listen when you’re ready. (Engage)

Michael: Okay... Mrs. Franks hates me. We got our English paper back

today and I got a 65%. What’s worse is that before she passed out our

papers, she said, ‘Overall, the class did pretty well on this assignment.


There were only a few students who scored below the curve.’ She didn’t

have to bring attention to that - and I sit by William! It was awful.

Dad: I don’t understand, what does this have to do with William? (Clarify)

Michael: William always gets ‘A’s so it was super humiliating for him to

see my grade. I put a lot of time into that paper. It doesn’t matter how

hard I try, it’s never good enough for Mrs. Franks. I can’t wait until the

quarter ends!

Dad: Do you feel like giving up in that class? (Clarify)

Michael: Yeah, I do because she hates me anyway.

Dad: It sounds like you think Mrs. Franks might have been biased with

how she graded your paper and it also sounds like it felt humiliating to

receive a 65% on a paper you spent a lot of time on. (Reflect and

summary)

Michael: Exactly!

Dad: Hmm. I’m sorry this happened. Can I offer some of my thoughts?

Michael: Sure.

(When offering different perspectives, it is best to do so with an attitude of

proposing a different view and not with an attitude that you are correct,

which makes your teen wrong.)

Dad: I know that you think Mrs. Franks hates you, but could it be that she

knows your ability and her expectations of your work were higher than

what she felt you demonstrated?

Michael: No, Mom. She hates me. I just know that. (A common fallacy of

teens is believing they know what other people are thinking.)


Dad: Okay. Could it be that while you put forth a lot of effort on your

paper, maybe Mrs. Franks’ instructions were not clear to you and so your

emphasis was placed on other areas of your paper?

Michael: Maybe. She isn’t very clear.

Dad: Now that you have identified that, maybe in the future, you can

clarify with her your understanding of what she expects from her students.

Inner Game, Outer Game

Self-confidence is directly correlated to your teen’s sense of self-esteem.

While beliefs are important to the inner game of self-esteem, self-

confidence is gained from your support of his outer game. The inner game

consists of self-esteem and self-acceptance while the outer game

represents your support, setting boundaries, organization, and time

management.

Try this. Ask your teen to list ten of his strengths, which may range from

being creative to having a great sense of humor. If your teen has difficulty

expressing ten strengths, you may prompt him with the question, “What

does your best friend think are your strengths?” or you may want to add a

few of your own to his list. Suggest that he post the list near his computer

as a reminder for him.

Over time, your teen will become more aware of his false assumptions

and beliefs which set him back instead of setting him up for success, and

perceive his experiences more positively. He is likely to gain a greater

sense of self-acceptance and self-esteem because he is more aware that

he is in control of his thought patterns and consequently, his feelings and

reactions.


Create realistic goals

A short-term (3 months) and a

long-term (9 months or longer)

school goal is also helpful and

the goals should be written in

increments.

For example, if your teen has a

‘C’ average in school, a realistic short-term goal would be to choose one

subject area where he would like to improve his grade to a “B’. An

unrealistic short-term goal is to receive ‘A’s in all classes. A long-term goal

may be at the end of the school year, he would like to have a 3.2 GPA, but

again, make sure it’s realistic.

Having a few clearly defined academic goals helps you and your teen to

find solutions. If he is really struggling in a class, hiring a tutor may be

helpful or meeting with his teacher to obtain further explanation are

possible solutions to offer your teen. However, it’s important that he

choose which option he is willing to agree to.

If you decide for him, he may feel pushed and resist all possible solutions.

As your teen begins to see more positive results, his self-confidence will

increase. With a more positive outlook on life, more self-acceptance,

greater self-esteem, and a boost in self-confidence, your teen will be

happier and struggle less—and be in a place where he can succeed.


Why Boundaries Matter

“Honoring your own

boundaries is the clearest

message to others to honor

them, too.” – Gina Greenlee

Boundaries are important for

many teens because boundaries provide a structure. Consistent

boundaries will help a teen feel safe because they can count on you as a

parent who cares. Boundaries offer clear expectations for your teen as

well. Setting boundaries promotes more independence whereas enabling,

discussed below, has the reverse effect.

Negotiate boundaries with your teen. Discuss what your expectations are

and ask your teen what his perspective is. You as a parent are ultimately

the decision-maker, but it is important to allow your teen to have some

input in the decision. For example, you may say, “Our expectation is that

you have a B-grade at the end of the quarter, so if you have a C on one

paper and an A on an exam, which turns into a B average, that is okay.

But if we see multiple C’s, your cell phone will be taken away for two days.

Negotiation allows your teen to feel he has some choice in the matter. It

also gives him a sense of accountability which can serve to inspire him to

commit to his end of the deal.


The Consequences of Enabling

Enabling is responding to your teen in such a way that puts a band-aid on

the problem and so the teen never really learns how to independently

resolve it. For example, Abby’s perfectionist tendencies and poor time

management skills frequently cause her to not complete assignments.

Enabling Abby is allowing her to continue with the extracurricular activities

and then take a day off school to catch up on assignments. She continues

her pattern of avoidance and has no motivation to change her habits.

Too strict vs. Too lenient

Too strict: Your teen is struggling with school and continues to receive

poor grades. You tell your teen that every time he receives a C- on a

paper or exam, he will be grounded. This probably will not help the

situation because the next time your teen takes a test in the class, he may

be focused on the possibility of getting grounded and begin to feel

anxious, instead of being focused on the test material.

Too lenient: Not having any clear consequences or definition of what’s

expected of your teen. Thus, there is no incentive for your teen to change

a negative behavior pattern.

In addition to boundaries, organization is essential to your teen’s success

in school. Disorganization causes late assignments, missed assignments,

a sense of overwhelm, and reduces creativity.


Help your teen succeed by

getting organized!

“I’ve learned time

management, organization and

I have priorities.”

– Tory Burch

Organization is a huge support for success. A structure helps reduce

stress and increases time efficiency on important tasks, as well as

increases your teen’s sense of independence. If your teen is organized, he

no longer has to depend on you for information about his assignments,

materials and supplies, or his activities.

One thing you can do to prompt your teen to become more organized is to

help them see the value of organization. If your teen forgets homework

and turns it in late, he will get points taken off of the grade. You could

point out to him that it doesn’t make sense to have points taken off since

he actually did the assignment. Being organized also reduces overwhelm,

and increases creativity because his energy is free to focus on

assignments.

Help your teen set up a quiet study area. While your teen may want to

resort to his bedroom to study and complete homework assignments,

there should be another area in the home where he can go to complete

homework. This keeps your teen from being isolated and encourages your

teen to ask a question if he gets stuck. If you are immediately available, it

is also more likely that he will ask a question. If your teen insists on

studying in his room, then it is helpful to have a desk and not work on

assignments in bed.


Let your teen know that his brain is trained to fall asleep while in bed and

so he won’t get as much studying done. For many teens, studying in their

bedrooms gives more permission for them to lose focus and not get back

on track; therefore, assignments may not get completed.

Most families have a calendar to view their activities and appointments. A

super-helpful tool for your teen is to have their own calendar so she can

see at a glance what her schedule is and when assignments are due.

Your teen may also benefit from having a consistent homework time and

recording it on the calendar. Having a paper calendar is best because

mobile apps may distract her. For instance, she picks up her cell to type in

when her paper is due and notices she received a text from Aaron to call

him. She then becomes so engrossed in the conversation that an hour of

study time has elapsed without any studying done at all!

Another key to productivity is writing a daily To Do List. Putting the tasks

down on paper will help your teen to stay focused and accomplish the task

as opposed to only having a mental idea of what he needs to do.

Equally important is acknowledgement, which sometimes gets skipped

over. Before going to bed, suggest to your teen to jot down her

accomplishments for the day. This is valuable because it helps your teen

to consciously acknowledge her accomplishments, feel good about

herself, and establish a new pattern of behavior that supports her success.


Tips and Supplies

In your teen’s study area, it is helpful to have the following supplies:

Day planner

Folders & Labels of different colors

Binder

Post-It notes

Filing box

A folder for Work in Progress

Highlighters/paper clips/stapler/etc.

Having color coded folders for each subject is helpful. One side can be for

handouts given during class and the other for completed homework.

These folders can be placed in one binder, or your teen might prefer a

multi-subject notebook. A day planner or notepad app on a smart phone is

helpful to record any changes stated in class. Sometimes it is helpful to

put up a reminder on the bedroom door asking “Did you remember all of

your homework assignments?” Your teen can quickly check his backpack

for all necessary content.

Another tip is having a separate filing box for old assignments. It can be

beneficial for your teen to empty his backpack every week to sort through

old assignments, review an exam or notes in preparation for a final, or file

extra papers that may be needed in the future.


Help your teen succeed by

managing time!

Now that we have reviewed the benefits of

being externally organized, let’s look at the

pay-off of the ability to manage time.

Overall, the skill of time management is equivalent to having an effective

strategy. Most teens need to be taught how to manage their time for better

focus, clarity, and to increase productivity.

Teens have difficulty realistically estimating the amount of time an

assignment or task may take. To help your teen gain an internal sense of

the passage of time, have them time themselves on various routine tasks.

For example, ask your teen to time herself with a chore, such as emptying

the dishwasher or taking out the garbage or driving to a certain location.

First, say, “Roughly, how long do you think it takes you to complete {fill in

the blank of the chore}?” Then suggest your teen set a timer to see how

close her estimate was to the actual time.

By having your teen pay attention to time and guessing how long a task

will take him, and then noticing the time it actually took to complete the

task, he will gain an internal sense of time within approximately three

weeks, which is the amount of time it takes for a new habit to develop.

This timing technique will continually improve your teen’s ability to

realistically gauge time on assignments.


A lot of teens feel overwhelmed by the amount of homework which needs

to be completed within their school week. When your teen is in a state of

overwhelm, it may be extremely difficult for her to prioritize tasks because

she may just want to jump in and tackle assignments without planning,

which results in lower quality output. Your teen needs you to help her

prioritize assignments and to write out an estimated amount of time

necessary for each task to decrease her overwhelm and anxiety. For

instance, your teen may have the following assignments due the next day:

1. Spanish – Workbook pages 29-31

2. Algebra - Chapter 17 (25 problems)

3. English – 3-page essay

As discussed earlier, it is helpful for your teen to write a To Do List for

each day. Afterwards, help your teen prioritize homework and estimate a

realistic time to complete all assignments.

Here’s the story of Olivia

Olivia: I have so much to do tonight and not enough time to get all my

homework done!

Mom: What all do you have to do?

Olivia: Spanish, Algebra, and a three page essay. I hate writing!

Mom: I know English isn’t your favorite subject, but I think you should

tackle your essay first because you are more alert now. You have to write

a 3-page essay, how long do you think that will take you?

Olivia: I don’t know (Sigh). Maybe an hour-and-a-half.


Mom: Okay. It is almost 7:00 now, so your paper should be completed by

8:30. Your strengths are in algebra and Spanish. Algebra should probably

take you no more than 45 minutes, so that puts you at 9:15. Spanish will

take you approximately 30 minutes. Does this sound about right for you?

Olivia: Yeah.

Mom: Great! Let’s write it out. Remember, your homework for the

remainder of the week looks like a lighter load. Pull through this tonight

and tomorrow evening, you should have more time to relax.

1. English essay – 7-8:30 (1.5 hours)

2. Algebra – 8:30-9:15 (.75 hour)

3. Spanish – 9:15-9:45 (.5 hour)

Your teen may also need assistance with breaking down a large research

project into smaller chunks of time on a daily basis. With your support, he

can plan the different stages that need completion which reduces stress

and provides guidance. Having a written plan or outline helps to keep your

teen focused on the areas that need his attention.

Smart study skills benefit your teen by helping him to become more time

efficient and self-sufficient. One easy study tip with textbook material is to

turn the headline of each section of a chapter into a question. Your teen

will then skim the material to locate the answer to that question. This

technique is best combined with studying the teacher’s lecture notes.

Another study tip for a final exam is to encourage your teen to study a

chapter or section in a different room for each section.


The Story of Andrew

Andrew used this technique and when he ran out of rooms to study, he

had to resort to the bathroom to study the last section. His parents

laughed at this situation, but when Andrew scored an ‘A’ on his final, he

had the last laugh. This method works because the rooms serve as files

for memory stored in the brain. Text material is chunked and associated

with each room and thus, recall is much quicker and easier.

Summary

“Happiness is when what you think,

what you say, and what you do are

in harmony.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Let’s review the five powerful ways you

can help your teen succeed:

1. Understanding your child’s

limiting beliefs and false

assumptions is the key to

helping your teen use negative

experiences and challenges to

build self-esteem; to grow instead of to fail.

2. Active listening is crucial to making your teen feel understood,

helping her become aware of limiting beliefs and guiding her to a

more balanced perspective.

3. Boundaries are essential in helping your teen feel safe and to

create realistic expectations.


4. Organization is the external structure that provides your teen with

the independence and efficiency that insures his productivity.

5. Time management frees your teen to focus on tasks and

assignments with confidence that they will be completed on time.

Invest in your teen now!

Receive a complementary 50-minute strategy session!

Find out what you can do right now to help your teenager succeed—and

reduce your frustrations!

Email Kimberly at [email protected]

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kimberly Schehrer has offered

Educational Therapy for teenagers

for the past ten years. She is

passionate about education as a

whole paradigm, including the social,

emotional, and academic dimensions

of a student’s life. With a Master’s

Degree in Counseling Psychology and

three years of doctoral studies, her

main area of study and practice has been Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

This type of therapy assumes our thoughts are responsible for our

emotions and consequently, our behaviors.

Her in-depth and diverse experience includes a position at the Children’s

Health Council where she did teen assessments, evaluating intelligence

scores and personality development. She also conducted research at

mailto:[email protected]


Stanford University, examining depression, and counseled teens in two

major high schools and a middle school in Silicon Valley.

The depth of her understanding and empathy comes from her own

academic struggles in school. Early on in her academic career, her self-

esteem was low because she was working diligently but receiving minimal

results.

One of Kimberly’s success stories is a 7th grade student who was failing

his classes and labeled as a behavioral problem. After six weeks of

working with her, he made “Student of the Month” for Most Improved, and

within three months, he made the Honor Roll. By nine months, he

maintained his Honor Roll status, became self-sufficient and no longer

needed my expertise.

© Kimberly Schehrer · assumptions that your teen may use to justify that he is unworthy, are that...

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