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tomymakerskamaljitkaurandsuchetsingh

iam.becauseofyou.ihopeyoulookatus

andthinkyoursacrificeswereworthit

tomystunningsistersandbrotherprabhdeepkaurkirandeepkaursaahebsingh

weareinthistogether

youdefinelove.

contents

wilting

falling

rooting

rising

blooming

beescameforhoneyflowersgiggledastheyundressedthemselves

forthetakingthesunsmiled

-thesecondbirth

onthelastdayoflovemyheartcrackedinsidemybody

ispenttheentirenightcastingspellstobringyouback

ireachedforthelastbouquetofflowersyougavemenowwiltingintheirvaseonebyoneipoppedtheirheadsoffandatethem

istuffedatowelatthefootofeverydoorleaveitoldtheairihavenouseforyouidreweverycurtaininthehousegoitoldthelightnooneiscominginandnooneisgoingout

-cemetery

youleftandiwantedyoustillyetideservedsomeonewhowaswillingtostay

ispenddaysinbeddebilitatedbylossiattempttocryyoubackbutthewaterisdoneandstillyouhavenotreturnedipinchmybellytillitbleedshavelostcountofthedayssunbecomesmoonand

moonbecomessunand

ibecomeghostadozendifferentthoughtstearthroughmeeachsecondyoumustbeonyourwayperhapsit’sbestifyou’renotiamokaynoiamangryyesihateyoumaybeican’tmoveoniwilliforgiveyouiwanttoripmyhairoutoverandoverandoveragaintillmymindexhaustsitselfintoasilence

yesterdaytheraintriedtoimitatemyhandsbyrunningdownyourbodyirippedtheskyapartforallowingit

-jealousy

inordertofallasleepihavetoimagineyourbodycrookedbehindminespoonladledintospoontillicanhearyourbreathihavetoreciteyournametillyouanswerandwehaveaconversationonlythencanmyminddriftofftosleep

-pretend

itisn’twhatweleftbehindthatbreaksmeit’swhatwecould’vebuilthadwestayed

icanstillseeourconstructionhatslyingexactlywhereweleftthempylonsunsureofwhattoguardbulldozersgazingoutforourreturntheplanksofwoodstiffintheirboxesyearningtobenailedupbutneitherofusgoesbacktotellthemitisoverintimethebrickswillgrowtiredofwaitingandcrumblethecraneswilldrooptheirnecksinsorrowtheshovelswillrustdoyouthinkflowerswillgrowherewhenyouandiareoff

buildingsomethingnew

withsomeoneelse

-theconstructionsiteofourfuture

iliveforthatfirstsecondinthemorningwheniamstillhalf-consciousihearthehummingbirdsoutsideflirtingwiththeflowersiheartheflowersgigglingandthebeesgrowingjealouswheniturnovertowakeyouitstartsalloveragainthepanting

thewailing

theshock

ofrealizingthatyou’veleft-thefirstmorningswithoutyou

thehummingbirdstellmeyou’vechangedyourhairitellthemidon’tcarewhilelisteningtothemdescribeeverydetail

-hunger

ienvythewindswhostillwitnessyou

icouldbeanythingintheworldbutiwantedtobehis

itriedtoleavemanytimesbutassoonasigotawaymylungsbuckledunderthepressurepantingforairi’dreturnperhapsthisiswhyiletyouskinmetothebone

somethingwasbetterthannothinghavingyoutouchmeevenifitwasnotkindwasbetterthannothavingyourhandsatallicouldtaketheabuseicouldnottaketheabsenceiknewiwasbeatingadeadthingbutdiditmatterifthethingwasdeadwhenattheveryleastihadit

-addiction

youbreakwomeninlikeshoes

lovingyouwasbreathingbutthatbreathdisappearingbeforeitfilledmylungs

-whenitgoestoosoon

whatlovelookslike

whatdoeslovelooklikethetherapistasksoneweekafterthebreakupandi’mnotsurehowtoanswerherquestionexceptforthefactthatithoughtlovelookedsomuchlikeyouthat’swhenithitmeandirealizedhownaiveihadbeentoplaceanideasobeautifulontheimageofapersonasifanybodyonthisentireearthcouldencompassallloverepresentedasifthisemotionsevenbillionpeopletrembleforwouldlooklikeafivefootelevenmedium-sizedbrown-skinnedguywholikeseatingfrozenpizzaforbreakfastwhatdoeslovelooklikethetherapistasksagainthistimeinterruptingmythoughtsmidsentenceandatthispointi’mabouttogetupandwalkrightoutthedoorexceptipaidfartoomuchmoneyforthishoursoinsteaditakeapiercinglookatherthewayyoulookatsomeonewhenyou’reabouttohandittothemlipspursedtightlypreparingtolaunchintoconversationeyesdiggingdeeplyintotheirssearchingforalltheweakspots

theyhavehiddensomewherehairbeingtuckedbehindtheearsasifyouhavetophysicallyprepareforaconversationonthephilosophiesorratherdisappointmentsofwhatlovelookslike

wellitellheridon’tthinkloveishimanymoreiflovewashimhewouldbeherewouldn’theifhewastheoneformewouldn’thebetheonesittingacrossfrommeiflovewashimitwouldhavebeensimpleidon’tthinkloveishimanymoreirepeatithinkloveneverwasithinkijustwantedsomethingwasreadytogivemyselftosomethingibelievedwasbiggerthanmyselfandwhenisawsomeonewhocouldprobablyfitthepartimadeitverymuchmyintention

tomakehimmycounterpart

andilostmyselftohim

hetookandhetookwrappedmeinthewordspecialuntiliwassoconvincedhehadeyesonlytoseemehandsonlytofeelmeabodyonlytobewithme

ohhowheemptiedme

howdoesthatmakeyoufeelinterruptsthetherapistwellisaiditkindofmakesmefeellikeshitmaybewe’realllookingatitwrongwethinkit’ssomethingtosearchforouttheresomethingmeanttocrashintousonourwayoutofanelevatororslipintoourchairatacafesomewhereappearattheendofanaisleatthebookstorelookingtherightamountofsexyandintellectualbutithinklovestartshereeverythingelseisjustdesireandprojectionofallourwantsneedsandfantasiesbutthoseexternalitiescouldneverworkoutifwedidn’tturninwardandlearnhowtoloveourselvesinordertoloveotherpeoplelovedoesnotlooklikeaperson

loveisouractionsloveisgivingallwecanevenifit’sjustthebiggersliceofcakeloveisunderstandingwehavethepowertohurtoneanotherbutwearegoingtodoeverythinginourpowertomakesurewedon’tloveisfiguringoutallthekindsweetnesswedeserveandwhensomeoneshowsupsayingtheywillprovideitasyoudobuttheiractionsseemtobreakyouratherthanbuildyouloveisknowingwhomtochoose

youcannotwalkinandoutofmelikearevolvingdoorihavetoomanymiracleshappeninginsidemetobeyourconvenientoption

-notyourhobby

youtookthesunwithyouwhenyouleft

iremainedcommittedlongafteryouweregoneicouldnotliftmyeyestomeeteyeswithsomeoneelselookingfeltlikebetrayalwhatexcusewouldihavewhenyoucamebackandaskedwheremyhandshadbeen

-loyal

whenyouplungedtheknifeintomeyoualsobeganbleedingmywoundbecameyourwounddidn’tyouknowloveisadouble-edgedknifeyouwillsufferthewayyoumakemesuffer

ithinkmybodyknewyouwouldnotstay

ilongforyoubutyoulongforsomeoneelseidenytheonewhowantsmecauseiwantsomeoneelse

-thehumancondition

iwonderifiam

beautifulenoughforyouorifiambeautifulatallichangewhatiamwearingfivetimesbeforeiseeyouwonderingwhichpairofjeanswillmakemybodymoretemptingtoundresstellmeisthereanythingicandotomakeyouthinkhersheissostrikingshemakesmybodyforgetithaskneeswriteitinaletterandaddressittoalltheinsecurepartsofmeyourvoicealonedrivesmetotearsyourstellingmeiambeautifulyourstellingmeiamenough

you’reeverywhereexceptrighthereandithurts

showmeapictureiwanttoseethefaceofthewomanwhomadeyouforgettheoneyouhadathomewhatdaywasitandwhatexcusedidyoufeedmeiusedtothanktheuniverseforbringingyoutomedidyouenterherrightasiaskedthealmightytograntyouallyouwanteddidyoufinditinherdidyoucomecrawlingoutofherwithwhatyoucouldn’tinme

whatdrawsyoutohertellmewhatyoulikesoicanpractice

yourabsenceisamissinglimb

questionsthereisalistofquestionsiwanttoaskbutneverwillthereisalistofquestionsigothroughinmyheadeverytimei’maloneandmymindcan’tstopitselffromsearchingforyouthereisalistofquestionsiwanttoasksoifyou’relisteningsomewherehereiamaskingthem

whatdoyouthinkhappenstothelovethat’sleftbehindwhentwoloversleavehowbluedoyouthinkitgetsbeforeitpassesawaydoesitpassawayordoesitstillexistsomewherewaitingforustocomebackwhenweliedtoourselvesbycallingthisunconditionalandleftwhichoneofushurtmoreishatteredintoamillionlittlepiecesandthosepiecesshatteredintoamillionmorecrumbledintodusttilltherewasnothingleftofmebutthesilencetellmehowlovehowdidthegrievingfeelforyouhowdidthemourninghurthowdidyoupeelyoureyesopenaftereveryblinkknowingi’dneverbetherestaringbackitmustbehardtolivewithwhatifstheremustalwaysbethisconstantdullachinginthepitofyourstomachtrustme

ifeelittoohowintheworlddidwegetherehowdidwelivethroughitandhowarewestilllivinghowmanymonthsdidittakebeforeyoustoppedthinkingofmeorareyoustillthinkingofmecauseifyouare

thenmaybeiamtoo

thinkingofyou

thinkingofme

withme

inme

aroundme

everywhere

youandmeandus

doyoustilltouchyourselftothoughtsofmedoyoustillimaginemynakednakedtinytinybodypressedintoyoursdoyoustillimaginethecurveofmyspineandhowyouwantedtoripitoutofmecausethewayitdippedintomyperfectlyroundedbottomdroveyoucrazy

baby

sugarbaby

sweetbaby

eversincewelefthowmanytimesdidyoupretenditwasmyhandstrokingyouhowmanytimesdidyousearchformeinyourfantasiesandendupcryinginsteadofcomingdon’tyoulietomeicantellwhenyou’relyingcausethere’salwaysthatlittlebitofarroganceinyourresponseareyouangrywithmeareyouokayandwouldyoutellmeifyou’renotandifweeverseeeachotheragaindoyouthinkyou’dreachoutandholdmelikeyousaidyouwouldthelasttimewespokeandyoutalkedofthenexttimewewouldordoyouthinkwe’djustlookshakeinourskinaswepinetoabsorbasmuchaswecanofeachothercausebythistimewe’veprobablygotsomeoneelsewaitingathomeweweregoodtogetherweren’tweandisitwrongthati’maskingyouthesequestionstellmelove

thatyouhavebeen

lookingfortheseanswerstoo

youcalltotellmeyoumissmeiturntofacethefrontdoorofthehousewaitingforaknockdayslateryoucalltosayyouneedmebutstillaren’therethedandelionsonthelawnarerollingtheireyesindisappointmentthegrasshasdeclaredyouyesterday’snewswhatdoicare

ifyouloveme

ormissme

orneedmewhenyouaren’tdoinganythingaboutitifi’mnottheloveofyourlifei’llbethegreatestlossinstead

wheredowegofromheremylovewhenit’soverandi’mstandingbetweenuswhosesidedoiruntowheneverynerveinmybodyispulsingforyouwhenmymouthwatersatthethoughtwhenyouarepullingmeinjustbystandingtherehowdoiturnaroundandchoosemyself

daybydayirealizeeverythingimissaboutyouwasneverthereinthefirstplace

-thepersonifellinlovewithwasamirage

theyleaveandactlikeitneverhappenedtheycomebackandactliketheyneverleft

-ghosts

itriedtofinditbuttherewasnoanswerattheendofthelastconversation

-closure

youaskifwecanstillbefriendsiexplainhowahoneybeedoesnotdreamofkissingthemouthofaflowerandthensettleforitsleaves

-idon’tneedmorefriends

whyisitthatwhenthestoryendswebegintofeelallofit

risesaidthemoon

andthenewdaycametheshowmustgoonsaidthesunlifedoesnotstopforanybodyitdragsyouby

thelegswhetheryouwanttomoveforwardornotthatisthegift

lifewillforceyoutoforgethowyoulongforthemyourskinwillshedtillthereisnotasinglepartofyouleftthey’vetouchedyoureyesfinallyjustyoureyesnottheeyeswhichheldthemyouwillmakeittotheendofwhatisonlythe

beginninggoonopenthedoortotherestofit-time

inoticeeverythingidonothaveanddecideitisbeautiful

ihardenedunderthelastloss.ittooksomethinghumanoutofme.iusedtobesodeeplyemotionali’dcrumbleondemand.butnowthewaterhasmadeitsexit.ofcourseicareabouttheonesaroundme.i’mjuststrugglingtoshowit.awallisgettingintheway.iusedtodreamofbeingsostrongnothingcouldshakeme.now.iam.sostrong.thatnothingshakesme.andallidreamistosoften.

-numbness

yesterdaywheniwokeupthesunfelltothegroundandrolledawayflowersbeheadedthemselvesallthat’sleftalivehereismeandibarelyfeellikeliving

-depressionisashadowlivinginsideme

whyareyousounkindtomemybodycries

causeyoudon’tlooklikethemitellher

youarewaitingforsomeonewhoisnotcomingbackmeaningyouarelivingyourlifehopingthatsomeonewillrealizetheycan’tlivetheirswithoutyou

-realizationsdon’tworklikethat

alotoftimesweareangryatotherpeoplefornotdoingwhatweshouldhavedoneforourselves

-responsibility

whydidyouleaveadoorhangingopenbetweenmylegswereyoulazydidyouforgetordidyoupurposelyleavemeunfinished

-conversationswithgod

theydidnottellmeitwouldhurtlikethisnoonewarnedmeabouttheheartbreakweexperiencewithfriendswherearethealbumsithoughttherewerenosongssungforiticouldnotfindtheballadsorreadthebooksdedicatedtowritingthegriefwefallintowhenfriendsleaveitisthetypeofheartachethatdoesnothityoulikeatsunamiitisaslowcancerthekindthatdoesnotshowupformonthshasnovisiblesignsisanachehere

aheadachethere

butmanageable

cancerortsunamiitallendsthesameafriendoraloveralossisalossisaloss-theunderratedheartache

ihearathousandkindwordsaboutmeanditmakesnodifferenceyetihearoneinsultandallconfidenceshatters

-focusingonthenegative

homeitbeganasatypicalthursdayfromwhatirecallsunlightkissedmyeyelidsgoodmorningirememberitexactly

climbingoutofbedmakingcoffeetothesoundofchildrenplayingoutsideputtingmusicon

loadingthedishwasherirememberplacingflowersinavaseinthemiddleofthekitchentableonlywhenmyapartmentwasspotlessdidistepintothebathtubwashyesterdayoutofmyhairidecoratedmyselflikethewallsofmyhomeweredecoratedwithframesbookshelvesphotosihunganecklacearoundmyneckhookedearringsin

appliedlipsticklikepaintsweptmyhairback—justyourtypicalthursdayweendedupataget-togetherwithfriendsattheendyouaskedifineededaridehomeandisaidyescauseourdadsworkedatthesamecompanyandyou’dbeentomyplacefordinnermanytimesbutishouldhaveknownwhenyoubegantoconfusekindconversationwithflirtationwhenyoutoldmetoletmyhairdownwheninsteadofdrivingmehometowardthebrightintersectionoflightsandlife—youtookalefttotheroadthatlednowhereiaskedwhereweweregoingyouaskedifiwasafraidmyvoicethrewitselfovertheedgeofmythroatlandedatthebottomofmybellyandhidformonthsallthedifferentpartsinmeturnedthelightsoffshuttheblinds

lockedthedoorswhileihidatthebackofsomeupstairsclosetofmymindassomeonebrokethewindows—youkickedthefrontdoorin—you

tookeverything

andthensomeonetookme—itwasyou.

whodoveintomewithaforkandaknifeeyesglintingwithstarvationlikeyouhadn’teateninweeksiwasahundredandtenpoundsoffreshmeatyouskinnedandguttedwithyourfingerslikeyouwerescrapingtheinsideofacantaloupecleanasiscreamedformymotheryounailedmywriststothegroundturnedmybreastsintobruisedfruitthishomeisemptynow

nogas

noelectricity

norunningwater

thefoodisrottenfromheadtofootiamlayeredindustfruitflies.webs.bugs.

someonecalltheplumbermystomachisbackedup—i’vebeenvomitingsincecalltheelectricianmyeyeswon’tlightupcallthecleanerstowashmeupandhangmetodrywhenyoubrokeintomyhomeitneverfeltlikemineagainican’tevenletaloverinwithoutgettingsickilosesleepafterthefirstdatelosemyappetitebecomemoreboneandlessskinforgettobreatheeverynightmybedroombecomesapsychwardwherepanicattacksturnmenintodoctorstokeepmecalmeveryloverwhotouchesme—feelslikeyoutheirfingers—youmouths—youuntilthey’renottheonesontopofmeanymore—it’syouandiamsotired

ofdoingthingsyourway—itisn’tworkingi’vespentyearstryingtofigureouthowicouldhavestoppeditbutthesuncan’tstopthestormfromcomingthetreecan’tstoptheaxican’tblamemyselfforhavingaholethesizeofyourmanhoodinmychestanymoreit’stooheavytocarryyourguilt—i’msettingitdowni’mtiredofdecoratingthisplacewithyourshameasifitbelongstomeit’stoomuchtowalkaroundwithwhatyourhandshavedoneifit’snotmyhandsthathavedoneitthetruthcomestomesuddenly—afteryearsofrainthetruthcomeslikesunlightpouringthroughanopenwindowittakesalongtimetogetherebutitallcomesfullcircleittakesabrokenpersontocomesearchingformeaningbetweenmylegsittakesacomplete.whole.perfectlydesignedpersontosurviveitittakesmonsterstostealsoulsandfighterstoreclaimthemthishomeiswhaticameintothisworldwithwasthefirsthome

willbethelasthomeyoucan’ttakeitthereisnospaceforyou

nowelcomemat

noextrabedroomsi’mopeningallthewindows

airingitoutputtingflowersinavaseinthemiddleofthekitchentablelightingacandleloadingthedishwasherwithallofmythoughtsuntilthey’respotless

scrubbingthecountertopsandtheniplantostepintothebathtubwashyesterdayoutofmyhairdecoratemybodyingold

putmusicon

sitbackputmyfeetupandenjoythistypicalthursdayafternoon

whensnowfallsilongforgrasswhengrassgrowsiwalkalloveritwhenleaveschangecoloribegforflowerswhenflowersbloomipickthem

-unappreciative

tellthemiwasthewarmestplaceyouknewandyouturnedmecold

athomethatnightifilledthebathtubwithscorchingwatertossedinspearmintfromthegardentwotablespoonsalmondoilsomemilk

andhoney

apinchofsaltrosepetalsfromtheneighbor’slawnisoakedmyselfinthemixturedesperatetowashthedirtyoffthefirsthouripickedpineneedlesfrommyhaircountedthemonetwothreelinedthemupontheirbacksthesecondhour

iweptahowlingescapedmewhoknewgirlcouldbecomebeastduringthethirdhourifoundbitsofhimonbitsofmethesweatwasnotminethewhitebetweenmylegsnotmine

thebitemarks

notmine

thesmell

notmine

theblood

mine

thefourthhouriprayed

itfeltlikeyouthrewmesofarfrommyselfi’vebeentryingtofindmywaybackeversince

ireducedmybodytoaestheticsforgottheworkitdidtokeepmealivewitheverybeatandbreathdeclareditagrandfailurefornotlookingliketheirssearchedeverywhereforamiraclefoolishenoughtonotrealizeiwasalreadylivinginone

theironyoflonelinessisweallfeelitatthesametime

-together

mygirlhoodwastoomuchhairthinlimbscoatedinvelvetitwasneighborhoodtraditionfortheotheryounggirlsanditofrequentbasementsalonsonaweeklybasisrunbywomeninahousewhoweremymother’sagehadmymother’sskinbutlookednothinglikemysimplemothertheyhadbrownskinwithyellowhairmeantforwhiteskinstreakslikezebras

slitsforeyebrowsilookedatmyowncaterpillarswithshameanddreamtminewouldbethatthinisittimidlyinthemakeshiftwaitingareahopingafriendfromschoolwouldnotdropbyabollywoodmusicvideoisplayingonatinytelevisionscreeninthecornersomeoneisgettingtheirlegswaxedorhairdyedwhentheauntiecallsmeiniwalkintotheroomandmakesmalltalksheleavesforamomentwhileiundressmylowerhalfislidemypantsandunderwearoffliedownonthespabedandwaitwhenshereturnsshepositionsmylegslikeanopenbutterfly

solesoffeettogetherkneespointinginoppositedirectionsfirstthedisinfectantwipethenthecoldjellyhowisschoolandwhatareyoustudyingsheasksturnsthelaseronplacestheheadofthemachineonmypubicboneandjustlikethatitbeginsthehairfolliclesaroundmyclitorisbeginburningwitheachzap

iwince

shiveringwithpain

whydoidothiswhydoipunishmybodyforbeingexactlyasit’smeanttobeistopmyselfhalfwaythroughtheregretwhenithinkofhimandhowi’mtooembarrassedtoshowhimunlessit’sclean

ibitedownonmylipandaskifwe’realmostfinished-basementaesthetician

wehavebeendyingsincewegothereandforgottoenjoytheview

-livefully

youweremineandmylifewasfullyouarenolongermineandmylifeisfull

myeyesmakemirrorsoutofeveryreflectivesurfacetheypasssearchingforsomethingbeautifullookingbackmyearsfishforcomplimentsandpraisebutnomatterhowfartheygolookingnothingisenoughformeigotoclinicsanddepartmentstoresforprettypotionsandnewtechniquesi’vetriedthelasersi’vetriedthefacialsi’vetriedthebladesandexpensivecreamsforahopefulminutetheyfillmemakemeglowfromcheektocheekbutassoonasifeelbeautifultheirmagicdisappearssuddenlywhereamisupposedtofinditiamwillingtopayanypriceforabeautythatmakesheadsturneverymomentdayandnight

-anever-endingsearch

thisplacemakesmethekindofexhaustedthathasnothingtodowithsleepandeverythingtodowiththepeoplearoundme

-introvert

youmustseenoworthinyourselfifyoufindmeworthlessafteryou’vetouchedmeasifyourhandsonmybodymagnifyyouandreducemetonothing

-worthisnotsomethingwetransfer

youdonotjustwakeupandbecomethebutterfly

-growthisaprocess

iamhavingadifficulttimerightnowcomparingmyselftootherpeopleiamstretchingmyselfthintryingtobethemmakingfunofmyfacelikemyfathercallingituglystarvingoutthisprematuredoublechinbeforeitmeltsintomyshoulderslikecandlewaxfixingthebagsundermyeyesthatcarrytherapebookmarkingsurgicalproceduresformynosethereissomuchthatneedstendingtocanyoupointmeintherightdirectioniwanttotakethisbodyoffwhichwaybacktothewomb

liketherainbowaftertherainjoywillrevealitselfaftersorrow

nowasabadwordinmyhomenowasmetwiththelasherasedfromourvocabulary

beatenoutofourbackstillwebecamewell-behavedkidswhoobedientlynoddedyestoeverythingwhenheclimbedontopofmeeverypartofmybodywantedtorejectitbuticouldn’tsaynotosavemylifewhenitriedtoscreamallthatescapedmewassilenceiheardnopoundingherfistontheroofofmymouth

beggingtoletheroutbutihadnotputuptheexitsignneverbuilttheemergencystaircasetherewasnotrapdoorfornotoescapefromiwanttoaskalltheparentsandguardiansaquestionwhatusewasobediencethenwhentherewerehandsthatwerenotmineinsideme-howcaniverbalizeconsentasanadultifiwasnevertaughttoasachild

despiteknowingtheywon’tbehereforlongtheystillchoosetolivetheirbrightestlives

-sunflowers

whenyoufindhertellhernotadaygoesbywhenidonotthinkofherthatgirlwhothinksyouareeverythingsheaskedforwhenyoubounceheroffthewallsandshecriestellhericrywithhertoothesoundofdrywallcrunchingintoitselfasit’sbeatenwithherheadalsolivesinmyearstellhertoruntomeihavealreadyunscrewedmyfrontdooroffitsframeopenedallthewindowsinsidethereisawarmbathrunningshedoesnotneedyourkindofloveiamproofshewillgetoutandfindherwaybacktoherselfificouldsurviveyousowillshe

partsofmybodystillachefromthefirsttimetheyweretouched

theartofgrowingifeltbeautifuluntiltheageoftwelvewhenmybodybegantoripenlikenewfruitandsuddenlythemenlookedatmynewbornhipswithsalivatinglipstheboysdidn’twanttoplaytagatrecesstheywantedtotouchallthenewandunfamiliarpartsofmethepartsididn’tknowhowtoweardidn’tknowhowtocarryandtriedtoburyinmyribcage

boobstheysaid

andihatedthatwordhatedthatiwasembarrassedtosayitthateventhoughitwasreferringtomybodyitdidn’tbelongtome

itbelongedtothem

andtheyrepeateditlike

theyweremeditatinguponitboobshesaidletmeseeyoursthereisnothingworthseeingherebutguiltandshameitrytorotintotheearthbelowmyfeetbutiamstillstandingonefootacrossfromhishookedfingersandwhenhechargestofeastonmyhalfmoonsibiteintohisforearmanddecideihatethisbodyimusthavedonesomethingterribletodeserveitwhenigohomeitellmymotherthemenoutsidearestarvingshetellsmeimustnotdresswithmybreastshangingsaidtheboyswillgethungryiftheyseefruitsaysishouldsitwithmylegsclosedlikeawomanoughtaorthemenwillgetangryandfightsaidicanavoidallthistroubleifijustlearntoactlikealadybuttheproblemisthatdoesn’tevenmakesenseican’twrapmyheadaroundthefactthatihavetoconvincehalftheworld’spopulationmybodyisnottheirbediambusylearningtheconsequencesofwomanhoodwhenishouldbelearningscienceandmathinsteadilikecartwheelsandgymnasticssoican’timaginewalkingaroundwithmythighspressedtogetherlikethey’rehidingasecretasiftheacceptanceofmyownbodypartswillinvitethoughtsoflustintheirheadsiwillnotsubjectmyselftotheirideologycauseslutshamingisrapeculturevirginpraisingisrapecultureiamnotamannequininthewindowofyourfavoriteshopyoucan’tdressmeuporthrowmeoutwheniamwornyouarenotacannibalyouractionsarenotmyresponsibilityyouwillcontrolyourself

thenexttimeigotoschoolandtheboyshootatmybackside

ipushthemdown

footovertheirnecks

anddefiantlysayboobsandthelookintheireyesispriceless

whentheworldcomescrashingatyourfeetit’sokaytoletothershelppickupthepiecesifwe’representtotakepartinyourhappinesswhenyourcircumstancesaregreatwearemorethancapableofsharingyourpain

-community

idonotweepbecausei’munhappyiweepbecauseihaveeverythingyetiamunhappy

letitgoletitleaveletithappennothinginthisworldwaspromisedorbelongedtoyouanyway

-allyouownisyourself

wishpureloveandsoftpeaceupontheoneswho’vebeenunkindtoyouandkeepmovingforward

-thiswillfreeyouboth

yesitispossibletohateandlovesomeoneatthesametimeidoittomyselfeveryday

somewherealongthewayilosttheself-loveandbecamemygreatestenemyithoughti’dseenthedevilbeforeintheuncleswhotouchedusaschildrenthemobsthatburnedourcitytothegroundbuti’dneverseensomeoneashungryformyfleshasiwasipeeledmyskinoffjusttofeelawakeworeitinsideoutsprinkleditwithsalttopunishmyselfturmoilclottedmynervesmybloodcurdledieventriedtoburymyselfalivebutthedirtrecoiledyouhavealreadyrotteditsaidthereisnothingleftformetodo-self-hate

thewayyouspeakofyourselfthewayyoudegradeyourselfintosmallnessisabuse

-self-harm

whenihittherockbottomthatexistsaftertherockbottomandnoropeorhandappearediwonderedwhatifnothingwantsmebecauseidonotwantme

-iamboththepoisonandtheantidote

first

iwentformywordstheican’ts.iwon’ts.iamnotgoodenoughs.ilinedthemupandshotthemdeadtheniwentformythoughtsinvisibleandeverywheretherewasnotimetogatherthemonebyoneihadtowashthemoutiwovealinenclothoutofmyhairsoakeditinabowlofmintandlemonwatercarrieditinmymouthasiclimbedupmybraidtothebackofmyheaddownonmykneesibegantowipemymindcleanittooktwenty-onedaysmykneesbruisedbut

ididnotcareiwasnotgiventhebreathinmylungstochokeitoutiwouldscrubtheself-hateoffthebonetillitexposedlove

-self-love

ihavesurvivedfartoomuchtogoquietlyletameteortakemecallthethunderforbackupmydeathwillbegrandthelandwillcrackthesunwilleatitself

-thedayileave

iwanttohoneymoonmyself

ifiamthelongestrelationshipofmylifeisn’tittimetonurtureintimacyandlovewiththepersonilieinbedwitheachnight

-acceptance

whatisstrongerthanthehumanheartwhichshattersoverandoverandstilllives

iwokeupthinkingtheworkwasdoneiwouldnothavetopracticetodayhownaivetothinkhealingwasthateasywhenthereisnoendpointnofinishlinetocrosshealingiseverydaywork

youhavesomuchbutarealwayshungryformorestoplookingupateverythingyoudon’thaveandlookaroundateverythingyoudo

-wherethesatisfactionlives

youcanimitatealightlikeminebutyoucannotbecomeit

andhereyouarelivingdespiteitall

thisistherecipeoflifesaidmymotherassheheldmeinherarmsasiweptthinkofthoseflowersyouplantinthegardeneachyeartheywillteachyouthatpeopletoomustwiltfallrootriseinordertobloom

theyhavenoideawhatitisliketolosehomeattheriskofneverfindinghomeagaintohaveyourentirelifesplitbetweentwolandsandbecomethebridgebetweentwocountries

-immigrant

lookatwhatthey’vedonetheearthcriedtothemoonthey’veturnedmeintooneentirebruise

-greenandblue

youareanopenwoundandwearestandinginapoolofyourblood

-refugeecamp

whenitcametolistening

mymothertaughtmesilenceifyouaredrowningtheirvoicewithyourshowwillyouhearthemsheasked

whenitcametospeakingshesaiddoitwithcommitmenteverywordyousayisyourownresponsibilitywhenitcametobeingshesaidbetenderandtoughatonceyouneedtobevulnerabletolivefullybutroughenoughtosurviveitallwhenitcametochoosingsheaskedmetobethankfulforthechoicesihadthatsheneverhadtheprivilegeofmaking-lessonsfrommumma

leavinghercountrywasnoteasyformymotheristillcatchhersearchingforitinforeignfilmsandtheinternationalfoodaisle

iwonderwhereshehidhim.herbrotherwhohaddiedonlyayearbefore.asshesatinacostumeofredsilkandgoldonherweddingday.shetellsmeitwasthesaddestdayofherlife.howshehadnotfinishedmourningyet.ayearwasnotenough.therewasnowaytogrievethatquick.itfeltlikeablink.abreath.beforethenewsofhislosshadsunkinthedecorwasalreadyhungup.theguestshadstartedstrollingin.thesmalltalk.therush.allmirroredhisfuneraltoomuch.itfeltasthoughhisbodyhadjustbeencarriedawayforthecremationwhenmyfatherandhisfamilyarrivedfortheweddingcelebrations.

-amriksingh(1959–1990)

iamsorrythisworldcouldnotkeepyousafemayyourjourneyhomebeasoftandpeacefulone

-restinpeace

yourlegsbucklelikeatiredhorserunningforsafetydragthembythehipsandmovefasteryoudonothavetheprivilegetorestinacountrythatwantstospityououtyouhavetokeep

goingandgoing

andgoing

tillyoureachthewaterhandovereverythinginyournameforaticketontotheboatnexttoahundredotherslikeyoupackedlikesardinesyoutellthewomanbesideyouthisboatisnotstrongenoughtocarrythismuchsorrowtoashorewhatdoesitmattershesaysifdrowningiseasierthanstayinghowmanypeoplehasthiswaterdrunkupisitallonelongcemeterybodiesburiedwithoutacountryperhapstheseaisyourcountryperhapstheboatsinksbecauseitistheonlyplacethatwilltakeyou-boat

whatifwegettotheirdoorsandtheyslamthemshutiask

whataredoorsshesayswhenwe’veescapedthebellyofthebeast

bordersareman-madetheyonlydivideusphysicallydon’tletthemmakeusturnoneachother

-wearenotenemies

afterthesurgeryshetellsmehowbizarreitisthattheyjusttookoutthefirsthomeofherchildren

-hysterectomyfebruary2016

bombsbroughtentirecitiesdowntotheirkneestodayrefugeesboardedboatsknowingtheirfeetmaynevertouchlandagainpoliceshotpeopledeadforthecoloroftheirskinlastmonthivisitedanorphanageofabandonedbabiesleftonthecurbsidelikewastelateratthehospitaliwatchedamotherlosebothherchildandhermindsomewherealoverdiedhowcanirefusetobelievemylifeisanythingshortofamiracleifamidstallthischaos

iwasgiventhislife

-circumstances

perhapsweareallimmigrantstradingonehomeforanotherfirstweleavethewombforairthenthesuburbsforthefilthycityinsearchofabetterlife

someofusjusthappentoleaveentirecountries

mygodisnotwaitinginsideachurchorsittingabovethetemple’sstepsmygodistherefugee’sbreathasshe’srunningislivinginthestarvingchild’sbellyistheheartbeatoftheprotestmygoddoesnotrestbetweenpageswrittenbyholymen

mygodlivesbetweenthesweatythighsofwomen’sbodiessoldformoneywaslastseenwashingthehomelessman’sfeetmygod

isnotasunreachableasthey’dlikeyoutothinkmygodisbeatinginsideusinfinitely

adviceiwould’vegivenmymotheronherweddingday

1. youareallowedtosayno

2. yearsagohisfatherbeatthelanguageofloveoutofyourhusband’sbackhewillneverknowhowtosayitbuthisactionsprovehelovesyou

3. gowithhimwhenheentersyourbodyandgoestothatplacesexisnotdirty

4. nomatterhowmanytimeshisfamilybringsitupdonothavetheabortionjustbecausei’magirllocktherelativesoutandswallowthekeyhewillnothateyou

5. takeyourjournalsandpaintingsacrosstheoceanwhenyouleavethesewillremindyouwhoyouarewhenyougetlostamidnewcitiestheywillalsoremindyourchildrenyouhadanentirelifebeforethem

6. whenyourhusbandsareoffworkingatthefactoriesmakefriendswithalltheotherlonelywomenintheapartmentcomplexthislonelinesswillcutapersoninhalfyouwillneedeachothertostayalive

7. yourhusbandandchildrenwilltakefromyourplatewewillemotionallyandmentallystarveyouallofitiswrongdon’tletusconvinceyouthatsacrificingyourselfishowyoumustshowlove

8. whenyourmotherdiesflybackforthefuneralmoneycomesandgoesamotherisonceinalifetime

9. youareallowedtospendacoupledollarsonacoffeeiknowtherewasatimewhenwecouldnotafforditbutweareokaynow.breathe.

10. youcan’tspeakenglishfluentlyoroperateacomputerorcellphonewedidthattoyou.itisnotyourfault.youarenotanylessthantheothermotherswiththeirflashyphonesanddesignerclothingweconfinedyoutothefourwallsofthishomeandworkedyoutotheboneyouhavenotbeenyourownpropertyfordecades

11. therewasnorulebookforhowtobethefirstwomaninyourlineagetoraiseafamilyonastrangelandbyyourself

12. youarethepersonilookuptomost

13. wheniamabouttoshatterithinkofyourstrengthandharden

14. ithinkyouareamagician

15. iwanttofilltherestofyourlifewithease

16. youaretheheroofheroesthegodofgods

inadreamisawmymotherwiththeloveofherlifeandnochildrenitwasthehappiesti’deverseenher

-whatif

yousplittheworldintopiecesandcalledthemcountriesdeclaredownershiponwhatneverbelongedtoyouandlefttherestwithnothing

-colonize

myparentsneversatusdownintheeveningstosharestoriesoftheiryoungerdays.onewasalwaysworking.theothertootired.perhapsbeinganimmigrantdoesthattoyou.

thecoldterrainofthenorthengulfedthem.theirbodieswerehardatworkpayinginbloodandsweatfortheircitizenship.perhapstheweightofthenewworldwastoomuch.andthepainandsorrowoftheoldwasbetterleftburied.

idowishihadunburieditthough.iwishi’dpriedtheirsilenceapartlikeaclosedenvelope.iwishi’dfoundasmallopeningatitsveryedge.pushedafingerinsideandgentlytornitopen.theyhadanentirelifebeforemewhichiamastrangerto.itwouldbemygreatestregrettoseethemleavethisplacebeforeievengottoknowthem.

myvoiceistheoffspringoftwocountriescollidingwhatistheretobeashamedofifenglishandmymothertonguemadelovemyvoiceisherfather’swordsandmother’saccentwhatdoesitmatterifmymouthcarriestwoworlds

-accent

foryearstheywereseparatedbyoceansleftwithnothingbutlittlephotographsofeachothersmallerthanpassport-sizephotosherswastuckedintoagoldenlockethisslippedinsidehiswalletattheendofthedaywhentheirworldswentquietstudyingthemwastheironlyintimacythiswasatimelongbeforecomputerswhenfamiliesinthatpartoftheworldhadnotseenatelephoneorlaidtheiralmondeyesonacoloredtelevisionscreenlongbeforeyouandi

asthewheelsoftheplanetouchedtarmacshewonderedifthiswastheplacehadsheboardedtherightflightshould’veaskedtheairhostesstwicelikeherhusbandsuggested

walkingintobaggageclaim

herheartbeatsoheavyshethoughtitmightfallouteyesdartingineverydirectionsearchingforwhattodonextwhensuddenly

rightthere

intheflesh

hestoodnotamirage—aman

firstcamerelief

thenbewildermentthey’dimaginedthisreunionforyearshadrehearsedtheirlinesbuthermouthseemedtoforgetshefeltakickinherstomachwhenshesawtheshadowscirclinghiseyesandshoulderscarryinganinvisibleweightitlookedlikethelifehadbeendrainedoutofhimwherewasthepersonshehadwedshewonderedreachingforthegoldenlockettheonewiththephotoofthemanherhusbanddidnotlooklikeanymore-thenewworldhaddrainedhim

whatifthereisn’tenoughtimetogiveherwhatshedeservesdoyouthinkifibeggedtheskyhardenoughmymother’ssoulwouldreturntomeasmydaughtersoicangiveherthecomfortshegavememywholelife

iwanttogobackintimeandsitbesideher.documentherinahomemoviesomyeyescanspendtherestoftheirliveswitnessingamiracle.theonewhoselifeineverthinkofbeforemine.iwanttoknowwhatshelaughedaboutwithfriends.inthevillagewithinhousesofmudandbrick.surroundedbyacresofmustardplantandsugarcane.iwanttositwiththeteenageversionofmymother.askaboutherdreams.becomeherpleatedbraid.theblackkohlcaressinghereyelids.theflourneatlypackedintoherfingertips.apageinherschoolbooks.eventobeasinglethreadofhercottondresswouldbethegreatestgift.

-towitnessamiracle

rememberthebodyofyourcommunitybreatheinthepeoplewhosewedyouwholeitisyouwhobecameyourselfbutthosebeforeyouareapartofyourfabric

-honortheroots

whentheyburiedmealiveidugmywayoutofthegroundwithpalmandfistihowledsoloudtheearthroseinfearandthedirtbegantolevitatemywholelifehasbeenanuprisingoneburialafteranother-iwillfindmywayoutofyoujustfine

mymothersacrificedherdreamssoicoulddream

brokenenglishithinkaboutthewaymyfatherpulledthefamilyoutofpovertywithoutknowingwhatavowelwasandmymotherraisedfourchildrenwithoutbeingabletoconstructaperfectsentenceinenglishadiscombobulatedcouplewholandedinthenewworldwithhopesthatleftthebittertasteofrejectionintheirmouthsnofamily

nofriends

justmanandwifetwouniversitydegreesthatmeantnothingonemothertonguethatwasbrokennowoneswollenbellywithababyinsideafatherworryingaboutjobsandrentcausenomatterwhatthisbabywascomingandtheythoughttothemselvesforasplitsecondwasitworthittoputallofourmoneyintothedreamofacountrythatisswallowinguswholepapalooksathiswoman’seyesandseeslonelinesslivingwheretheiriswaswantstogiveherahomeinacountrythatlooksatherwiththewordvisitorwrappedarounditstongueontheirweddingdaysheleftanentirevillagetobehiswifenowsheleftanentirecountrytobeawarriorandwhenthewintercametheyhadnothingbuttheheatoftheirownbodiestokeepthecoldnessout

liketwobracketstheyfacedoneanothertoholdthedearestpartsofthem—theirchildren—closetheyturnedasuitcasefullofclothesintoalifeandregularpaycheckstomakesurethechildrenofimmigrantswouldn’thatethemforbeingthechildrenofimmigrantstheyworkedtoohardyoucantellbytheirhandstheireyesarebeggingforsleepbutourmouthswerebeggingtobefedandthatisthemostartisticthingihaveeverseenitispoetrytotheseearsthathaveneverheardwhatpassionsoundslikeandmymouthisfulloflikesandumswhenilookattheirmasterpiececausetherearenowordsintheenglishlanguagethatcanarticulatethatkindofbeautyican’tcompacttheirexistenceintotwenty-sixlettersandcallitadescriptionitriedoncebuttheadjectivesneededtodescribethemdon’tevenexistsoinsteadiendedupwithpagesandpagesfullofwordsfollowedbycommasandmorewordsandmorecommasonlytorealizetherearesomethings

onlytorealizetherearesomethingsintheworldsoinfinitetheycouldneveruseafullstop

sohowdareyoumockyourmotherwhensheopenshermouthandbrokenenglishspillsoutdon’tbeashamedofthefactthatshesplitthroughcountriestobeheresoyouwouldn’thavetocrossashorelineheraccentisthicklikehoney

holditwithyourlifeit’stheonlythingshehasleftofhomedon’tyoustomponthatrichnessinsteadhangituponthewallsofmuseumsnexttodaliandvangoghherlifeisbrilliantandtragickissthesideofhertendercheekshealreadyknowswhatitfeelsliketohaveanentirenationlaughwhenshespeakssheismorethanourpunctuationandlanguagewemightbeabletopaintpicturesandwritestoriesbutshemadeanentireworldforherselfhowisthatforart

onthefirstdayofloveyouwrappedmeinthewordspecial

youmustrememberittoohowtherestofthecitysleptwhilewesatawakenedforthefirsttimewehadn’ttouchedyetbutwemanagedtotravelinandoutofeachotherwithourwordsourlimbsdizzyingwithenoughelectricitytoformhalfasunwedranknothingthatnightbutiwasintoxicatediwenthomeandthoughtarewesoulmates

ifeelapprehensivecausefallingintoyoumeansfallingoutofhimandihadnotpreparedforthat

-forward

howdoiwelcomeinkindnesswhenihaveonlypracticedspreadingmylegsfortheterrifyingwhatamitodowithyouifmyideaofloveisviolencebutyouaresweetifyourconceptofpassioniseyecontactbutmineisragehowcanicallthisintimacyificravesharpedgesbutyouredgesaren’tevenedgestheyaresoftlandingshowdoiteachmyselftoacceptahealthyloveifalli’veeverknownispain

iwillwelcomeapartnerwhoismyequal

neverfeelguiltyforstartingagain

themiddleplaceisstrangethepartbetweenthemandthenextisanawakeningfromhowyousawtohowyouwillseethisiswheretheircharmwearsoffwheretheyarenolongerthegodyoumadethemouttobewhenthepedestalyoucarvedoutofyourboneandteethnolongerservesthemtheyareunmaskedandmademortalagain-themiddleplace

whenyoustartlovingsomeonenewyoulaughattheindecisivenessofloverememberwhenyouweresurethelastonewastheoneandnowhereyouareredefiningtheonealloveragain

-afreshloveisagift

idonotneedthekindoflovethatisdrainingiwantsomeonewhoenergizesme

iamtryingtonotmakeyoupayfortheirmistakesiamtryingtoteachmyselfyouarenotresponsibleforthewoundhowcanipunishyouforwhatyouhavenotdoneyouwearmyemotionslikeadecoratedarmyvestyouarenotcoldorsavageorhungryyouaremedicinalyouarenotthem

hemakessuretolookrightatmeasheplaceshiselectricfingersonmyskinhowdoesthatfeelheaskscommandingmyattentionrespondingisoutofthequestioniquiverwithanticipationexcitedandterrifiedforwhat’stocomehesmilesknowsthisiswhatsatisfactionlookslikeiamaswitchboard

heisthecircuitsmyhipsmovewithhis—rhythmicmyvoiceisn’tmyownwhenimoan—itismusiclikefingersonaviolinstringhesparksenoughelectricitywithinmetopoweracitywhenwefinishilookrightathimandtellhim

thatwasmagic

wheniwalkedintothecoffeeshopandsawyou.mybodydidnotreactlikeithadthefirsttime.iwaitedformyhearttoabandonme.formylegstofreezeup.tofalltothegroundcryingatyoursight.nothinghappened.therewasnoconnectionormovementinsidewhenwelockedeyes.youlookedlikearegularguywithyourregularclothesandregularcoffee.nothingprofoundaboutyou.idon’tgivemyselfenoughcredit.mybodymusthavecleanseditselfofyoulongago.musthavegottentiredofmebehavinglikei’dlostthebestthingtohavehappened.andwrungtheinsecuritiesoutwhileiwasbusywallowinginpity.thatdayihadnomakeupon.myhairwasallovertheplace.iwaswearingmybrother’soldt-shirtandpajamapants.yetifeltlikeagleamingsiren.amermaid.ididalittledanceinthecarwhiledrivinghome.eventhoughwewerebothunderthesameroofofthatcoffeeshop.iwasstillsolarsystemsawayfromyou.

theorangetreesrefusedtoblossomunlesswebloomedfirstwhenwemettheywepttangerinescan’tyoutelltheearthhaswaiteditswholelifeforthis

-celebration

whyamialwaysrunningincirclesbetweenwantingyoutowantmeandwhenyouwantmedecidingitistooemotionallynakedformetolivewithwhydoimakelovingmesodifficultasifyoushouldneverhavetowitnesstheghostsihavetuckedundermybreastiusedtobemoreopenwhenitcametomatterslikethismylove-ifonlywe’dmetwheniwasthatwilling

icouldnotcontainmyselfanylongerirantotheoceaninthemiddleofthenightandconfessedmyloveforyoutothewaterasifinishedtellingherthesaltinherbodybecamesugar

(odetosobhasingh’ssohnimahiwal)

isaymaybethisisamistake.maybeweneedmorethanlovetomakethiswork.

youplaceyourlipsonmine.whenourfacesarebuzzingwiththeecstasyofkissingyousaytellmethatisn’tright.andasmuchasi’dliketothinkwithmyhead.myracingheartisallthatmakessense.there.rightthereistheansweryou’relookingfor.inmylossofbreath.mylackofwords.mysilence.myinabilitytospeakmeansyou’vefilledmystomachwithsomanybutterfliesthatevenifthisisamistake.itcouldonlyberighttobethiswrongwithyou.

amanwhocries

-agift

ifi’mgoingtosharemylifewithapartneritwouldbefoolishnottoaskmyselftwentyyearsfromnowisthispersongoingtobesomeoneistilllaughwithoramijustdistractedbytheircharmdoiseeusevolvingintonewpeoplebythedecadeordoesthegrowingevercometoapauseidon’twanttobedistractedbythelooksorthemoneyiwanttoknowiftheypullthebestortheworstoutofmedeepatthecoreareourvaluesthesameinthirtyyearswillwestilljumpintobedlikewe’retwentycanipictureusinoldageconqueringtheworldlikewe’vegotyoungbloodrunninginourveins

-checklist

whatisitwithyouandsunflowersheasksipointtothefieldofyellowoutsidesunflowersworshipthesunitellhimonlywhenitarrivesdotheyrisewhenthesunleavestheybowtheirheadsinmourningthatiswhatthesundoestothoseflowersit’swhatyoudotome

-thesunandherflowers

sometimesistopmyselffromsayingthewordsoutloudasifleavingmymouthtoooftenmightwearthemdown

-iloveyou

themostimportantconversationswe’llhavearewithourfingerswhenyoursnervouslygrazemineforthefirsttimeduringdinnerthey’lltightenwithfearwhenyouasktoseemeagainnextweekbutassoonasisayyesthey’llstretchoutineasewhentheygrasponeanotherwhilewe’rebeneaththesheetsthetwoofuswillpretendwe’renotweakinthekneeswhenigetangrythey’llpulsewithbittercriesbutwhentheytrembleforforgivenessyou’llseewhatapologieslooklikeandwhenoneofusisdyingonahospitalbedateighty-fiveyourfingerswillgripminetosaythingswordscan’tdescribe-fingers

thismorningitoldtheflowerswhati’ddoforyouandtheyblossomed

thereisnoplaceiendandyoubeginwhenyourbodyisinmybodyweareoneperson

-sex

ifihadtowalktogettoyouitwouldtakeeighthundredandtwenty-sixhoursonbaddaysithinkaboutitwhatimightdoiftheapocalypsecomesandtheplanesstopflyingthereissomuchtimetothinksomuchemptyspacewantingtobeconsumedbutnointimacyaroundtoconsumeititfeelslikebeingstuckatatrainstationwaitingandwaitingandwaitingfortheonewithyournameonitwhenthemoonrisesonthiscoastbutthesunstillburnsshamelesslyonyoursicrumbleknowingevenourskiesaredifferentwehavebeentogethersolongbuthavewereallybeentogetherifyourtouchhasnotheldmelongenoughtoimprintitselfonmyskinitrymyhardesttostaypresentbutwithoutyouhere

everythingatitsbest

isonlymediocre

-longdistance

iammadeofwaterofcourseiamemotional

theyshouldfeellikehomeaplacethatgroundsyourlifewhereyougototakethedayoff

-theone

themoonisresponsibleforpullingtidesoutofstillwaterdarlingiamthestillwaterandyouarethemoon

therightonedoesnotstandinyourwaytheymakespaceforyoutostepforward

whenyouarefullandiamfullwearetwosuns

yourvoicedoestomewhatautumndoestotreesyoucalltosayhelloandmyclothesfallnaturally

togetherweareanendlessconversation

whendeathtakesmyhandiwillholdyouwiththeotherandpromisetofindyouineverylifetime

-commitment

itwasasthoughsomeonehadslidicecubesdownthebackofmyshirt

-orgasm

youhavebeeninsidemebefore

-anotherlifetime

godmusthavekneadedyouandifromthesamedoughrolledusoutasoneonthebakingsheetmusthavesuddenlyrealizedhowunfairitwastoputthatmuchmagicinonepersonandsadlysplitthatdoughintwohowelseisitthatwhenilookinthemirroriamlookingatyou

whenyoubreathemyownlungsfillwithairthatwejustmetbutwehaveknowneachotherourwholelivesifwewerenotmadeasonetobeginwith-oursoulsaremirrors

tobetwolegsononebody

-arelationship

youmusthaveahoneycombforahearthowelsecouldamanbethissweet

ifyougotanymorebeautifulthesunwouldleaveitsplaceandcomeforyou

-thechase

ithasbeenoneofthegreatestandmostdifficultyearsofmylife.ilearnedeverythingistemporary.moments.feelings.people.flowers.ilearnedloveisaboutgiving.everything.andlettingithurt.ilearnedvulnerabilityisalwaystherightchoicebecauseitiseasytobecoldinaworldthatmakesitsoverydifficulttoremainsoft.ilearnedallthingscomeintwos.lifeanddeath.painandjoy.saltandsugar.meandyou.itisthebalanceoftheuniverse.ithasbeentheyearofhurtingsobadbutlivingsogood.makingfriendsoutofstrangers.makingstrangersoutoffriends.learningmintchocolatechipicecreamwillfixjustabouteverything.andforthepainsitcan’ttherewillalwaysbemymother’sarms.wemustlearntofocusonwarmenergy.always.soakourlimbsinitandbecomebetterloverstotheworld.forifwecan’tlearntobekindtoeachotherhowwillweeverlearntobekindtothemostdesperatepartsofourselves.

theuniversetookitstimeonyoucraftedyoutooffertheworldsomethingdifferentfromeveryoneelsewhenyoudoubthowyouwerecreatedyoudoubtanenergygreaterthanusboth

-irreplaceable

whenthefirstwomanspreadherlegstoletthefirstmaninwhatdidheseewhensheledhimdownthehallwaytowardthesacredroomwhatsatwaitingwhatshookhimsodeeplythatallconfidenceshatteredfromthenon

thefirstmanwatchedthefirstwomaneverynightanddaybuiltacagetokeepherinsoshecouldsinnomorehesetfiretoherbookscalledherwitchandshoutedwhoreuntiltheeveningcamewhenhistiredeyesbetrayedhimthefirstwomannoticeditasheunwillinglyfellasleepthequiethummingthedrummingaknockingbetweenherlegsadoorbell

avoice

apulseaskinghertoopenupandoffherhandwentrunningdownthehalltowardthesacredroomshefound

godthemagician’swandthesnake’stonguesittinginsidehersmiling-whenthefirstwomandrewmagicwithherfingers

iwillnolongercomparemypathtoothers

-irefusetodoadisservicetomylife

iamtheproductofalltheancestorsgettingtogetheranddecidingthesestoriesneedtobetold

manytriedbutfailedtocatchmeiamtheghostofghostseverywhereandnowhereiammagictrickswithinmagicwithinmagicnonehavefiguredoutiamaworldwrappedinworldsfoldedinsunsandmoonsyoucantrybutyouwon’tgetthosehandsonme

uponmybirthmymothersaidthereisgodinyoucanyoufeelherdancing

(odetomatisse’sdance)

asafatherofthreedaughtersitwouldhavebeennormalforhimtopushmarriageonusthishasbeenthenarrativeforthewomeninmycultureforhundredsofyearsinsteadhepushededucationknowingitwouldsetusfreeinaworldthatwantedtocontainushemadesurethatwelearnedtowalkindependently

therearefartoomanymouthsherebutnotenoughofthemareworthwhatyou’reofferinggiveyourselftoafewandtothosefewgiveheavily

-investintherightpeople

iamoftheearthandtotheearthishallreturnoncemorelifeanddeathareoldfriendsandiamtheconversationbetweenthemiamtheirlate-nightchattertheirlaughterandtearswhatistheretobeafraidofifiamthegifttheygivetoeachotherthisplaceneverbelongedtomeanywayihavealwaysbeentheirs

tohateisaneasylazythingbuttolovetakesstrengtheveryonehasbutnotallarewillingtopractice

beautifulbrowngirlyourthickhairisaminkcoatnotallcanaffordbeautifulbrowngirl

youhatethehyperpigmentationbutyourskincan’thelpcarryingasmuchsunaspossibleyouareamagnetforthelightunibrow—thebridgingoftwoworldsvagina—somuchdarkerthantherestofyoucauseitistryingtohideagoldmineyouwillhavedarkcirclestooearly—appreciatethehalosbeautifulbrowngirlyoupullgodoutoftheirbellies

lookdownatyourbodywhisperthereisnohomelikeyou

-thankyou

learningtonotenvysomeoneelse’sblessingsiswhatgracelookslike

iamthefirstwomaninmylineagewithfreedomofchoice.tocraftherfuturewhicheverwayichoose.saywhatisonmymindwheniwantto.withoutthewhipofthelash.therearehundredsoffirstsiamthankfulfor.thatmymotherandhermotherandhermotherdidnothavetheprivilegeoffeeling.whatanhonor.tobethefirstwomaninthefamilywhogetstotasteherdesires.nowonderiamstarvingtofilluponthislife.ihavegenerationsofbelliestoeatfor.thegrandmothersmustbehowlingwithlaughter.huddledaroundamudstoveintheafterlife.sippingonsteamingglassesofmilkymasalachai.howwilditmustbeforthemtoseeoneoftheirownlivingsoboldly.

(odetoamritasher-gil’svillagescene1938)

trustyourbodyitreactstorightandwrongbetterthanyourminddoes

-itisspeakingtoyou

istandonthesacrificesofamillionwomenbeforemethinkingwhatcanidotomakethismountaintallersothewomenaftermecanseefarther

-legacy

whenigofromthisplacedresstheporchwithgarlandsasyouwouldforaweddingmydearpullthepeoplefromtheirhomesanddanceinthestreetswhendeatharriveslikeabrideattheaislesendmeoffinmybrightestclothingserveicecreamwithrosepetalstoourgueststhere’snoreasontocrymydearihavewaitedmywholelifeforsuchabeautytotakemybreathaway

whenigoletitbeacelebrationforihavebeenhere

ihavelivedihavewonatthisgamecalledlife-funeral

itwaswhenistoppedsearchingforhomewithinothersandliftedthefoundationsofhomewithinmyselfifoundtherewerenorootsmoreintimatethanthosebetweenamindandbodythathavedecidedtobewhole

whatgoodamiifidonotfilltheplatesoftheoneswhofedmebutfilltheplatesofstrangers

-family

evenifthey’vebeenseparatedthey’llenduptogetheryoucan’tkeeploversapartnomatterhowmuchipluckandpullthemmyeyebrowsalwaysfindtheirwaybacktoeachother

-unibrow

achildandaneldersatacrossfromeachotheratatableacupofmilkandteabeforethemtheelderaskedthechildifshewasenjoyingherlifethechildansweredyes

lifewasgoodbutshecouldn’twaittogrowupanddogrown-upthingsthenthechildaskedtheelderthesamequestionhetoosaidlifewasgoodbuthe’dgiveanythingtogobacktoanagewheremovinganddreamingwerestillpossibilitiestheybothtookasipfromtheircupsbutthechild’smilkhadcurdledtheelder’steahadgrownbitterthereweretearsrunningfromtheireyes

thedayyouhaveeverythingihopeyourememberwhenyouhadnothing

sheisnotaporncategoryorthetypeyoulookforonafridaynightsheisnotneedyoreasyorweak

-daddyissuesisnotapunchline

ilongtobealilypad

imadechangeafterchangeontheroadtoperfectionbutwhenifinallyfeltbeautifulenoughtheirdefinitionofbeautysuddenlychanged

whatifthereisnofinishlineandinanattempttokeepupilosethegiftsiwasbornwithforabeautysoinsecureitcan’tcommittoitself-theliestheysell

youwanttokeepthebloodandthemilkhiddenasifthewombandbreastneverfedyou

itisatrillion-dollarindustrythatwouldcollapseifwebelievedwewerebeautifulenoughalready

theirconceptofbeautyismanufacturediamnot

-human

howdoishakethisenvywheniseeyoudoingwellsisterhowdoilovemyselfenoughtoknowyouraccomplishmentsarenotmyfailures

-wearenoteachother’scompetition

itisablessingtobethecolorofearthdoyouknowhowoftenflowersconfusemeforhome

weneedmorelovenotfrommenbutfromourselvesandeachother

-medicine

youareamirrorifyoucontinuetostarveyourselfofloveyou’llonlymeetpeoplewho’llstarveyoutooifyousoakyourselfinlovetheuniversewillhandyouthosewho’llloveyoutoo

-asimplemath

howmuchorhowlittleclothingshehasonhasnothingtodowithhowfreesheis

-covered|uncovered

therearemountainsgrowingbeneathourfeetthatcannotbecontainedallwe’veenduredhaspreparedusforthisbringyourhammersandfistswehaveaglassceilingtoshatter

-let’sleavethisplaceroofless

itisn’tbloodthatmakesyoumysisterit’showyouunderstandmyheartasthoughyoucarryitinyourbody

whatisthegreatestlessonawomanshouldlearn

thatsincedayoneshe’salreadyhadeverythingsheneedswithinherselfit’stheworldthatconvincedhershedidnot

theyconvincedmeionlyhadafewgoodyearsleftbeforeiwasreplacedbyagirlyoungerthanmeasthoughmenyieldpowerwithagebutwomengrowintoirrelevancetheycankeeptheirliesforihavejustgottenstartedifeelasthoughijustleftthewombmytwentiesarethewarm-upforwhati’mreallyabouttodowaittillyouseemeinmythirtiesnowthatwillbeaproperintroductiontothenasty.wild.womaninme.howcanileavebeforetheparty’sstartedrehearsalsbeginatfortyiripenwithageidonotcomewithanexpirationdateandnow

forthemainevent

curtainsupatfiftylet’sbegintheshow

-timeless

tohealyouhavetogettotherootofthewoundandkissitallthewayup

theythrewusinapittoendeachothersotheywouldn’thavetostarvedusofspacesolongwehadtoeateachotheruptostayalivelookuplookuplookuptocatchthemlookingdownatushowcanwecompetewitheachotherwhentherealmonsteristoobigtotakedownalone

whenmydaughterislivinginmybellyiwillspeaktoherlikeshe’salreadychangedtheworldshewillwalkoutofmeonaredcarpetfullyequippedwiththeknowledgethatshe’scapableofanythingshesetshermindto

(odetoraymonddouillet’sashorttourandfarewell)

nowisnotthetimetobequietormakeroomforyouwhenwehavehadnoroomatallnowisourtimetobemouthygetasloudasweneedtobeheard

representationisvitalotherwisethebutterflysurroundedbyagroupofmothsunabletoseeitselfwillkeeptryingtobecomethemoth

-representation

takethecomplimentdonotshyawayfromanotherthingthatbelongstoyou

ourworkshouldequipthenextgenerationofwomentooutdousineveryfieldthisisthelegacywe’llleavebehind

-progress

theroadtochangingtheworldisnever-ending

-paceyourself

thenecessitytoprotectyouovercamemeiloveyoutoomuchtoremainquietasyouweepwatchmerisetokissthepoisonoutofyouiwillresistthetemptationofmytiredfeet

andkeepmarchingwithtomorrowinonehandandafistintheotheriwillcarryyoutofreedom-lovelettertotheworld

haveyoureyeseverfallenuponabeastlikemeihavethespineofamulberrytreetheneckofasunflowersometimesiamthedesertattimestherainforestbutalwaysthewildmybellybrimsoverthewaistbandofmypantseachstrandofhairfrizzingoutlikealifelineittookalongtimetobecomesuchasweetrebellionbackthenirefusedtowatermyrootstillirealizedifiamtheonlyonewhocanbethewildernessthenletmebethewildernessthetreetrunkcannotbecomethebranchthejunglecannotbecomethegardensowhyshouldi

-itissofullhereinmyself

manytrybutcannottellthedifferencebetweenamarigoldandmyskinbothofthemareanorangesunblindingtheoneswhohavenotlearnedtolovethelight

ifyouhaveneverstoodwiththeoppressedthereisstilltime

-liftthem

theyearisdone.ispreadthepastthreehundredsixty-fivedaysbeforemeonthelivingroomcarpet.

hereisthemonthidecidedtoshedeverythingnotdeeplycommittedtomydreams.thedayirefusedtobeavictimtotheself-pity.hereistheweekisleptinthegarden.thespringiwrungtheself-doubtbyitsneck.hungyourkindnessup.tookdownthecalendar.theweekidancedsohardmyheartlearnedtofloatabovewateragain.thesummeriunscrewedallthemirrorsfromtheirwalls.nolongerneededtoseemyselftofeelseen.combedtheweightoutofmyhair.

ifoldthegooddaysupandplacetheminmybackpocketforsafekeeping.drawthematch.crematetheunnecessary.thelightofthefirewarmsmytoes.ipourmyselfaglassofwarmwatertocleansemyselfforjanuary.hereigo.strongerandwiserintothenew.

thereisnothinglefttoworryaboutthesunandherflowersarehere.

andthentherearedayswhenthesimpleactofbreathingleavesyouexhausted.itseemseasiertogiveuponthislife.thethoughtofdisappearingbringsyoupeace.forsolongiwaslostinaplacewheretherewasnosun.wheretheregrewnoflowers.buteveryonceinawhileoutofthedarknesssomethingilovedwouldemergeandbringmetolifeagain.witnessingastarrysky.thelightnessoflaughingwitholdfriends.areaderwhotoldmethepoemshadsavedtheirlife.yetthereiwasstrugglingtosavemyown.mydarlings.livingisdifficult.itisdifficultforeverybody.anditisatthatmomentwhenlivingfeelslikecrawlingthroughapin-sizedhole.thatwemustresisttheurgeofsuccumbingtobadmemories.refusetobowbeforebadmonthsorbadyears.causeoureyesarestarvingtofeastonthisworld.therearesomanyturquoisebodiesofwaterleftforustodivein.thereisfamily.bloodorchosen.thepossibilityoffallinginlove.withpeopleandplaces.hillshighasthemoon.valleysthatrollintonewworlds.androadtrips.ifinditdeeplyimportanttoacceptthatwearenotthemastersofthisplace.wearehervisitors.andlikeguestslet’senjoythisplacelikeagarden.letustreatitwithagentlehand.sotheonesafteruscanexperienceittoo.let’sfindourownsun.growourownflowers.theuniversedelivereduswiththelightandtheseeds.wemightnothearitattimesbutthemusicisalwayson.itjustneedstobeturnedlouder.foraslongasthereisbreathinourlungs—wemustkeepdancing.

rupikaurisa#1newyorktimesbestsellingauthorandillustratoroftwocollectionsofpoetry.shestarteddrawingattheageoffivewhenhermotherhandedherapaintbrushandsaid—drawyourheartout.rupiviewsherlifeasanexplorationofthatartisticjourney.aftercompletingherdegreeinrhetoricstudiesshepublishedherfirstcollectionofpoemsmilkandhoneyin2014.theinternationallyacclaimedcollectionsoldwelloveramillioncopiesgracingthenewyorktimesbestsellerlisteveryweekforoverayear.ithassincebeentranslatedintooverthirtylanguages.herlong-awaitedsecondcollectionthesunandherflowerswaspublishedin2017.throughthiscollectionshecontinuestoexploreavarietyofthemesrangingfromlove.loss.trauma.healing.femininity.migration.revolution.rupihasperformedherpoetryacrosstheworld.herphotographyandartdirectionarewarmlyembracedandshehopestocontinuethisexpressionforyearstocome.

-abouttheauthor

thesunandherflowersisacollectionofpoetryaboutgriefself-abandonmenthonoringone’srootsloveandempoweringoneselfitissplitintofivechapterswilting.falling.rooting.rising.andblooming.

-aboutthebook