SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE ON A DAILY BASIS

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WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE ON A DAILY BASIS

You can't expect any type of result only by pursuing a better relationship occasionally. I'm not going to kid you. Repairing a marriage takes some time. It also requires consistency on your part.

Think back to how long you've been married. The issues currently plaguing your relationship didn't start overnight. Don't expect them to be resolved in one swift motion. It takes, without a doubt, some dedication -- and time.

There will times, no doubt, that you'll be tempted to quit. But don't. Instead of giving in to the feeling of hopelessness, gather your strength. Take stock of any positive feedback you've discovered. List all the ways your marriage is getting better.

I'd like to share this bit of research with you. It comes from noted marriage researcher John M. Gottman, Ph.D. His research indicates that the most successful couples are not necessarily those who quickly overhauled their marriage.

He did follow-up studies with couples who had been through his counseling sessions. He specifically wanted to know what made one union last and the other didn't. His results came as quite a surprise to him.

Those couples whose marriage improved, spent only an average of five hours a week on the topic. Less than one hour ever day, seven days a week. Imagine that!

What were they doing? For the most part, all these couples shared several concerted actions.

And the first one is what I call the "Morning Goodbye Ritual." Before either of them left for work that day, they deliberately took the time to discover at least one event in the other's day. A big meeting with the boss? A doctor's appointment? Or something as simple as a shared cappuccino with an old friend.

One couple I know deliberately rises a little earlier in the morning to be able to talk while the children are still in bed. Neither is concerned with the kids running around at this time of the morning. It keeps them connected.

They use the time not only to discover what's going on in the other's "world" as it were, but they also discuss all the world's political and economic problems during this time. It made them feel more like adults and less like only parents!

STAY POSITIVE AND EXPECT THE BEST FROM YOUR MARRIAGE

I'm not talking about expecting specific details in your marriage to go perfectly smoothly all the time. Let's face it, not one of us remembers to take the garbage out every day. And not one of us can be expected to put the cap on the toothpaste every time we use it.

So, those really aren't the types of expectations we're talking about here. Instead I'm asking you to see your partner in general terms as a loving partner -- to view your relationship as running smoothly.

And maybe even play some "mind movies" in your head of how you'd like to see an ideal day between the two of you play out.

Now this may seem like idle daydreaming, but recent research shows that those individuals who have high expectations of their marriage often do, indeed, experience the most satisfying, loving relationships.

Independent research, conducted by John Gottman, confirms the flip side of this coin as well. He discovered that those individuals who adjusted to dealing with high levels of negativity -- including irritability or emotional distance -- in their union were less satisfied years down the road.

Those who refused to tolerate the negative behavior but gently confronted each other when such actions crept into their habits ended up happy and satisfied as the years continued.

Similarly, spouses who monitored their marriages to ensure that quality remained high, were often more satisfied in the long run. Just like the couples we talked about in the last lesson, who spent a mere 5 hours a week mindfully keeping in touch with each other's lives, a regular "expectation" check up is healthy.

Don't allow your view of marriage to slide using some worn out cliché like, "That's bound to happen when you've been married as long as we have." That's just an excuse to accept less than a loving, happy relationship.

Change your view. Change your marriage. The research implies that those individuals who started out expecting a certain level of satisfaction received it and kept monitoring it to ensure it was always part of their marriage. It's really never too late to change your view.

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