Post on 11-Sep-2021
LittleMythMarkerByRobertAsprin
ISBN:0-441-48499-9
Contents
ChapterOne:
ChapterTwo:
ChapterThree:
ChapterFour:
ChapterFive:
ChapterSix:
ChapterSeven:
ChapterEight:
ChapterNine:
ChapterTen:
ChapterEleven:
ChapterTwelve:
ChapterThirteen:
ChapterFourteen:
ChapterFifteen:
ChapterSixteen:
ChapterSeventeen:
ChapterEighteen:
ChapterNineteen:
ChapterTwenty:
ChapterOne:“Thedifferencebetweenaninsidestraightandablamedfooliscallin’thelastbet!”
-B.MAVERICK
“CALL!”
“Bump.”
“Bumpagain.”
“Who’reyoutryingtokid?Yougotelf-highnothing!”
“Tryme!”
“Allright!Raiseyoulimit.”
“Call.”
“Call.”
“Elf-highnothingbumpsyoubacklimit.”
“Fold.”
“Call.”
Forthoseofyoustartingthisbookatthebeginning(Blessyou!Ihateitwhenreaderscheatbyreadingahead!),thismaybealittleconfusing.Theaboveisthedialogueduringagameofdragonpoker.Whatisdragonpoker,youask?Well,it’sreputedtobethemostcomplicatedcardgameeverinvented...andhereattheBazaaratDeva,theyshouldknow.
TheBazaaristhebiggestshoppingmazeandhagglingspotinallthe
dimensions,andconsequentlygetsalotofdimensiontravelers(demons)passingthrough.Inadditiontotheshops,stalls,andrestaurants(whichreallydoesn’tdojusticetotheextentorvarietyoftheBazaar)thereisathrivinggamblingcommunityinresidencehere.Theyarealwaysonthelookoutforanewgame,particularlyonethatinvolvesbetting,andthemorecomplicatedthebetter.Thebasicphilosophyisthatacomplicatedgameismoreeasilywonbythosewhodevotefulltimetoitsstudythanbythetouristswhohavedabbledinitoraretryingtolearnitasthegamegoeson.Anyway,whenaDeveelbookietellsmethatdragonpokeristhemostcomplicatedcardgameever,Itendtobelievehim.
“Fold.”
“Call.”
“Okay,Mr.SkeevetheGrater.Let’sseeyoubeatthis!Dragonsfull!”
Heexposedhisholecardswithaflourishthatborderedonachallenge.Actually,Ihadbeenhopinghewoulddropoutofthehand.Thisparticularindividual(Grunk,Ithinkhisnamewas)waseasilytwoheadstallerthanmeandhadbrightredeyes,caninesalmostaslongasmyforearm,andanastydisposition.Hetendedtospeakinanangryshout,andthefactthathehadbeenlosingsteadilyhadnotmellowedhimintheslightest.
“Well?C’mon!Whathaveyougot?”
Iturnedovermyfourholecards,spreadthemnexttothefivealreadyfaceup,thenleanedbackandsmiled.
“That’sit?”Grunksaid,craninghisneckandscowlingatmycards.“Butthat’sonly...”
“Waitaminute,”theplayeronhisleftchimedin.“It’sTuesday.Thatmakeshisunicornswild.”
“Butit’samonthwithan‘M’init!”someoneelsepipedup.“Sohisogreisonlyhalfoffacevalue!”
“Butthere’sanevennumberofplayers....”
Itoldyouitwasacomplicatedgame.Thoseofyouwhoknowmefrommy
earlieradventures(blatantplug!)maywonderhowitisIunderstandsuchacomplexsystem.That’seasy.Idon’t!Ijustbet,thenspreadthecardsandlettheotherplayerssortoutwhowon.
YoumaywonderwhatIwasdoingsittinginonacutthroatgameofdragonpokerwhenIdidn’tevenknowtherules.Well,foronce,Ihaveananswer.Iwasenjoyingmyselfonmyownforachange.
Yousee,eversinceDonBruce,theMob’sfairygodfather,supposedlyhiredmetowatchovertheMob’sinterestsattheBazaarandassignedmetwobodyguards,GuidoandNunzio,I’verarelyhadamomenttomyself.
Thisweekend,however,mytwowatchdogswereoffmakingtheiryearlyreporttoMobCentral,leavingmetofendformyself.Obviously,beforetheyleft,theymademegivemysolemnpromisetobecareful.Alsoobviously,assoonastheyweregone,Isetouttodojusttheopposite.
EvenasidefromourpercentageoftheMob’stakeattheBazaar,ourmagicbusinesshadbeenbooming,somoneywasnoproblem.IfilchedacouplethousandingoldfrompettycashandwasallsettogoonaspreewhenaninvitationarrivedtositinononeoftheGeek’sdragonpokergamesatthisclub,theEven-Odds.
AsIsaidbefore,Iknowabsolutelynothingaboutdragonpokerotherthanthefactthatattheendofahandyouhavefivecardsfaceupandfourfacedown.
AnythingI’vetriedtogetmypartner,Aahz,toteachmemoreaboutthegame,I’vebeenlecturedabout“onlyplayinggamesyouknow”and“don’tgolookingfortrouble.”SinceIwasalreadylookingformischief,thechancetodefybothmybodyguardsandmypartnerwastoomuchtoresist.Imean,IfiguredtheworstthatcouldhappenwasthatI’dloseacouplethousandingold.Right?
“You’realloverlookingsomething.Thisistheforty-thirdhandandSkeevethereissittinginachairfacingnorth!”
Itookmycuefromthegroansandbetter-censoredexpressionsofdisgustandrakedinthepot.
“Say,Geek,”Grunksaid,hisredeyesglitteringatmethroughhalf-loweredeyelids.“AreyousurethisSkeevefellowisn’tusingmagic?”
“Guaranteed,”respondedtheDeveelwhowasgatheringthecardsandshufflingforthenexthand.“AnygameIhosthereattheEven-Oddsismonitoredagainstmagicandtelepathy.”
“Weelll,Idon’tnormallyplaycardswithmagicians,andI’veheardthatSkeevehereissupposedtobeprettygoodinthatdepartment.Maybehe’sgoodenoughthatyoujustcan’tcatchhimatit.”
Iwasstartingtogetalittlenervous.Imean,Iwasn’tusingmagic...andevenifIwasgoingto,Iwouldn’tknowhowtouseittorigacardgame.ThetroublewasthatGrunklookedperfectlycapableoftearingmyarmsoffifhethoughtIwascheating.IbeganrackingmybrainforsomewaytoconvincehimwithoutadmittingtoeveryoneatthetablejusthowlittleIknewaboutmagic.
“Relax,Grunk.Mr.Skeeve’sagoodplayer,that’sall.Justbecausehewinsdoesn’tmeanhe’scheating.”
ThatwasPidge,theonlyotherhuman-typeinthegame.Ishothimagratefulsmile.
“Idon’tmindsomeonewinning,”Grunkmuttereddefensively,“Buthe’sbeenwinningallnight.”
“I’velostmorethanyouhave,”Pidgesaid,“andyoudon’tseemegriping.I’mtellin’youMr.Skeeveisgood.I’vesatinongameswiththeKid,andIshouldknow.”
“TheKid?You’veplayedagainsthim?”Grunkwasvisiblyimpressed.
“Andlostmysocksdoingit,”Pidgeadmittedwryly.“I’dsaythatMrSkeevehereisgoodenoughtogivehimarunforhismoney,though.”
“Gentlemen?Areweheretotalkortoplaycards?”theGeekinterrupted,tappingthedeckmeaningfully.
“I’mout,”Pidgesaid,risingtohisfeet.“IknowwhenI’mout-classedevenifIhavetogointheholebeforeI’lladmitit.Mymarkerstillgood.Geek?”
“It’sgoodwithmeifnobodyelseobjects.”
Grunknoisilyslammedhisfistdownonthetable,causingseveralofmystacksofchipstofallover.
“What’sthisaboutmarkers?”hedemanded.“Ithoughtthiswasacash-onlygame!NobodysaidanythingaboutplayingforIOUs.”
“Pidgehere’sanexception,”theGeeksaid.“He’salwaysmadegoodonhismarkerbefore.Besides,youdon’thavetoworryaboutit,Grunk.Youaren’tevengettingallofyourmoneyback.”
“Yeah.ButIlostitbettingagainstsomebodywho’sbettingmarkersinsteadofcash.Itseemstome...”
“I’llcoverhismarker,”Isaidloftily.“Thatmakesitpersonalbetweenhimandme,soitdoesn’tinvolveanyoneelseatthetable.Right,Geek?”
“That’sright.Nowshutupandplay,Grunk.Ordoyouwantustodealyouout?”
Themonstergrumbledabitunderhisbreathbutleanedbackandtossedinanotherchiptoanteforthenexthand.
“Thanks,Mr.Skeeve,”Pidgesaid.“Anddon’tworry.LiketheGeeksays,Ialwaysreclaimmymarker.”
Iwinkedathimandwavedvaguelyasheleft,alreadyintentonthenexthandasItriedvainlytofigureouttherulesofthegame.
Ifmygrandgestureseemedalittleimpulsive,rememberthatI’dbeenwatchinghimplayallnight,andIknewhowmuchhehadlost.EvenifallofitwasonIOUs,Icouldcoveritoutofmywinningsandstillshowaprofit.
Yousee,Grunkwasright.Ihadbeenwinningsteadilyallnight...afactmadedoublysurprisingbymyignoranceofthegame.Earlyon,however,Ihadhitonasystemwhichseemedtobeworkingverywell:Bettheplayers,notthecards.Onthelasthand,Ihadn’tbeenbettingthatIhadawinninghand,IwasbettingthatGrunkhadalosinghand.Luckhadbeenagainsthimallnight,andhewasbettingwildtotrytomakeupforhislosses.
Followingmysystem,Ifoldedthenexttwohands,thenhitthemhardonthethird.Mostoftheotherplayersfoldedratherthanquestionmyjudgment.
Grunkstayeduntilthebitterend,hopingIwasbluffing.
ItturnedoutthatIwas(myhandwasn’tallthatstrong),butthathishandwasevenweaker.Anotherstackofchipstumbledintomyhoard.
“Thatdoesitforme,”Grunksaid,pushinghisremainingchipstowardtheGeek.“Cashmein.”
“Metoo.”
“Ishouldhaveleftanhourago.Wouldhavesavedmyselfacouplehundred.”
TheGeekwassuddenlybusyconvertingchipsbacktocashasthegamebrokeup.
Grunkloiteredforafewminutesafterreceivinghisshareofthebank.Nowthatwewerenolongerfacingeachotherovercards,hewassurprisinglypleasant.
“Youknow,Skeeve,”hesaid,clappingamassivehandonmyshoulder,“it’sbeenalongtimesinceI’vebeenwhippedthatbadatdragonpoker.MaybePidgewasright.You’reslumminghere.YoushouldtryforagamewiththeKid.”
“Iwasjustlucky.”
“No,I’mserious.IfIknewhowtogetintouchwithhim,I’dsetupthegamemyself.”
“Youwon’thaveto,”oneoftheotherplayersputinashestartedforthedoor.“Oncewordofthisgamegetsaround,theKidwillcomelookingforyou.”
“Trueenough,”Grunklaughedoverhisshoulder.
“Really,Skeeve.Ifthatmatch-uphappens,besuretopassthewordtome.That’sagameI’dliketosee.”
“Sure,Grunk,”Isaid.“You’llbeoneofthefirsttoknow.Catchyoulater.”
Actually,mymindwasracingasImademygoodbyes.Thiswasgettingoutofhand.Ihadfiguredononemadcapnightonmyown,thencallingitquitswithoutanyoneelsethewiser.Iftheotherplayersstartedshootingtheirmouthsoffall
overtheBazaar,therewouldbenohopeofkeepingmyevening’sadventureasecret...particularlyfromAahz!TheonlythingthatwouldbeworsewouldbeifIendedupwithsomehotshotgamblerhuntingmedownforachallengematch.
“Say,Geek,”Isaid,tryingtomakeitsoundcasual.
“Whoisthis‘Kid’theykeeptalkingabout?”
TheDeveelalmostlosthisgriponthestackofchipshewascounting.Hegavemealongstare,thenshrugged.
“Youknow,Skeeve,sometimesIdon’tknowwhenyou’rekiddingmeandwhenyou’reserious.Ikeepforgettingthatassuccessfulasyouare,you’restillnewtotheBazaar...andtogamblingspecifically.”
“Terrific.Who’sthe‘Kid’?”
“TheKid’sthecurrentkingofthedragonpokercircuit.Histrademarkisthathealwaysincludesabreathmintwithhisopeningbetforeachhand...saysthatitbringshimluck.That’swhytheycallhimthe‘Sen-SenAnteKid.’I’dadviseyoutostayawayfromhim,though.Youhadagoodruntonight,buttheKidisthebestthereis.He’deatyoualiveinahead-to-headgame.”
“Ihearthat.”Ilaughed.“Iwasonlycurious.Really.JustcashmeinandI’llbeonmyway.”
TheGeekgesturedatthestacksofcoinsonthetable.
“What’stocash?”hesaid.“IpulledmineoutthesametimeIcashedtheothers’out.Therestisyours.”
Ilookedatthemoneyandswallowedhard.ForthefirsttimeIcouldunderstandwhysomepeoplefoundgamblingsoaddictive.Therewaseasilytwentythousandingoldweighingdownthetable.Allmine.Fromonenightofcards!
“Urn...Geek?Couldyouholdontomywinningsforme?I’mnotwildabouttheideaofwalkingaroundwiththatmuchgoldonme.Icandropbackbylaterwithmybodyguardstopickitup.”
“Suityourself,”theGeekshrugged.“Ican’tthinkofanyoneattheBazaarwho
wouldhavenerveenoughtojumpyou,withyourreputation.Still,youmightrunintoastranger....”
“Fine,”Isaid,headingforthedoor.“ThenI’llbe...”
“Waitaminute!Aren’tyouforgettingsomething?”
“What’sthat?”
“Pidge’smarker.HangonandI’llgetit.”
HedisappearedbeforeIcouldprotest,soIleanedagainstthewalltowait.Ihadforgottenaboutthemarker,buttheGeekwasagamblerandadheredmorereligiouslytotheunwrittenlawsofgamblingthanmostfolksobeyedcivillaw.I’djusthavetohumorhimand...
“Here’sthemarker,Skeeve,”theDeveelannounced.“MarkiethisisSkeeve.”
Ijustgapedathim,unabletospeak.Actually,Igapedatthelittleblond-headedmoppethewasleadingbythehand.That’sright.Agirl.Nineortenyearsoldatthemost.
Iexperiencedanall-too-familiarsinkingfeelinginmystomachthatmeantIwasintrouble...lotsofit.
ChapterTwo:“Kids?Whosaidanythingaboutkids?”
-CONAN
THElittlegirllookedatmethrougheyesthatglowedwithtrustandlove.Shebarelystoodtallerthanmywaistandhadthatwholesome,healthyglowthatyounggirlsareallsupposedtohavebutsofewactuallydo.
Withherlittleberetandmatchingjumper,shelookedsomuchlikeanoversizeddollthatIwonderedifshe’dsay“Mama”ifyouturnedherupsidedown,thenright-sideupagain.
Shewassoadorablethatitwasobviousthatanyonewithadropofpaternalinstinctwouldfallinlovewithheronsight.Fortunately,mypartnerhadtrainedmewell;anyinstinctsIhadwereofamoremonetarynature.
“What’sthat?”Idemanded.
“It’salittlegirl,”theGeekresponded.“Haven’tyoueverseenonebefore?”
Foraminute,IthoughtIwasbeingbaited.ThenIrememberedsomeofmyearliestconversationswithAahzandcontrolledmytemper.
“Irealizethatit’salittlegirl,Geek,”Isaidcarefully.“WhatIwasreallytryingtoaskis-a)whoisshe?-b)whatisshedoinghere?and-c)whathasthisgottodowithPidge’smarker?DoImakemyselfclear?”
TheDeveelblinkedhiseyesinbewilderment.
“ButIjusttoldyou.HernameisMarkie.She’sPidge’smarker...youknow,theoneyousaidyouwouldcoverpersonally?”
Mystomachbottomedout.
“Geek,weweretalkingaboutapieceofpaper.Youknow,‘IOU,etc.’?Amarker!Wholeavesalittlegirlforamarker?”
“Pidgedoes.Alwayshas.C’mon,Skeeve.Youknowme.WouldIgiveanyonecreditforapieceofpaper?IgivePidgecreditonMarkieherebecauseIknowhe’llbebacktoreclaimher.”
“Right.Yougivehimcredit.Idon’tdealinlittlegirls.Geek.”
“Youdonow,”hesmiled.“Everyoneatthetableheardyousayso.I’lladmitIwasalittlesurprisedatthetime.”
“...ButnotsurprisedenoughtowarnmeaboutwhatIwasbuyinginto.Thanksalot,Geekoldpal.I’lltrytoremembertoreturnthefavorsomeday.”
Incaseyoudidn’tnotice,thatlastpartwasanopenthreat.Ashasbeennoted,I’vebeengettingquiteareputationaroundtheBazaarasamagician,andIdidn’treallythinktheGeekwantedtobeonmybadside.
Okay.Soitwasarottentrick.Iwasgettingdesperate.
“Whoa.Holdit,”theDeveelsaidquickly.“Noreasontogetupset.Ifyoudon’twanther,I’llgiveyoucashtocoverthemarkerandkeephermyself...”
“That’sbetter.”
“...attheusualterms,ofcourse.”
IknewIwasbeingsuckered.Knewit,mindyou.ButIhadtoaskanyway.
“Whatterms?”
“IfPidgedoesn’treclaimherintwoweeks,Isellherintoslaveryforenoughmoneytocoverherfather’slosses.”
Checkandmate.
IlookedatMarkie.ShewasstillholdingtheGeek’shand,listeningsolemnlywhilewearguedoutherfate.
Asoureyesmet,shesaidherfirstwordssinceshehadenteredtheroom.
“Areyougoingtobemynewdaddy?”
Iswallowedhard.
“No,I’mnotyourdaddy,Markie.Ijust...”
“Oh,Iknow.It’sjustthateverytimemyrealdaddyleavesmewithsomeone,hetellsmethatthey’regoingtobemypretenddaddyforawhile.I’msupposedtomindthemanddowhattheytellmejustasiftheyweremyrealdaddyuntilmyrealdaddycomestogetme.Ijustwantedtoknowifyouweregoingtobemynewpretenddaddy?”
“Ummm...”
“Ihopeso.You’renice.Notlikesomeofthescumbagshe’sleftmewith.Willyoubemynewdaddy?”
Withthat,shereachedoutandtookholdofmyhand.
Asmallthrillranthroughmelikeanautumnshiver.Shewassovulnerable,sotrusting.Ihadbeenonmyownforalongtime,firstalone,thenapprenticedtoGarkin,andfinallyteamedwithAahz.Inallthattime,Ihadneverreallybeenresponsibleforanotherperson.Itwasafunnyfeeling,scaryandwarmingatthesametime.
ItoremyeyesawayfromherandglaredattheGeekagain.
“Slavery’soutlawedhereattheBazaar.”
TheDeveelshrugged.“Thereareotherdimensions.Asamatteroffact,I’vehadastandingofferforherforseveralyears.That’swhyI’vebeenwillingtoacceptherascollateral.Icouldmakeenoughtocoverthebet,thecostofthefoodshe’seatenovertheyears,andstillturnatidyprofit.”
“That’saboutthelowest...”
“Hey!Thename’s‘theGeek,’not‘theRedCross’!Idon’tdocharity.Folkscometometobet,notforhandouts.”
Ihaven’tthrownapunchatanyonesinceIstartedpracticingmagic,butIwas
sorelytemptedtobreakthatrecordjustthisone.Instead,Iturnedtothelittlegirl.
“Getyourthings,Markie.Daddy’stakingyoutoyournewhome.”
MypartnerandIwerecurrentlybasingouroperationsattheBazaaratDeva,whichisthehomedimensionoftheDeveels.Deevelsarereputedtobethesharpestmerchants,traders,andhagglersinalltheknowndimensions.Youmayhaveheardoftheminvariousfolktalesinyourownhomedimension.Theirfamelingersevenindimensionstheyhavelongsincestoppedtradingin.
TheBazaaristheshowcaseofDeva...infact,I’veneverseenapartofDevathatwasn’ttheBazaar.HeretheDeveelsmeettotradewitheachother,buyingandsellingthechoicestmagicsandmiraclesfromallthedimensions.It’sanaround-the-clock,over-the-horizonsprawloftents,shops,andbarterblanketswhereyoucanacquireanythingyourimaginationcanconjureaswellasalotofthingsyouneverdreamedexisted...foraprice.Manyinventorsandreligiousfigureshavebuilttheirentirecareerfromitemspurchasedinonetriptothebazaar.Needlesstosay,itisdevastatingtotheaveragebudget...eveniftheholderofthepursestringshasabove-averagesalesresistance.
NormallyIenjoystrollingthroughthebooths,buttonight,withMarkiebesideme,Iwastoodistractedtoconcentrateonthedisplays.Itoccurredtomethat,funasitisforadults,theBazaarisnoplacetoraiseachild.
“Willwebelivingbyourselves,ordoyouhaveagirlfriend?”
MarkiewasclingingtomyhandaswemadeourwaythroughtheBazaar.Thewondersofthestallsandshopsdispensingmagicreachedouttousastheyalwaysdo,butshewasoblivioustothem,choosinginsteadtoplymewithquestionsandhangingonmyeveryword.
“‘No’stobothquestions.Tanandaliveswithme,butsheisn’tmygirlfriend.She’safree-lanceassassinwhohelpsmeoutonjobsfromtimetotime.Thenthere’sChumley,herbrother.He’satrollwhoworksunderthenameofCrunch.You’lllikethem.They’renice...inalotofwaysthey’renicerthanIam.”
Markiebitherlipandfrowned.“Ihopeyou’reright.I’vefoundthatalotofnicepeopledon’tlikelittlekids.”
“Don’tworry,”Isaid,withmoreconfidencethanIfelt.“ButI’mnotdoneyet.There’salsoGuidoandNunzio,mybodyguards.Theymayseemalittlegruff,butdon’tletthemscareyou.Theyjustacttoughbecauseit’spartoftheirjob.”
“Gee.I’veneverhadadaddywhohadbodyguardsbefore.”
“That’snotall.WealsohaveButtercup,who’sawarunicorn,andGleep,who’smyveryownpetdragon.”
“Oh,lotsofpeoplehavedragons.I’mmoreimpressedbythebodyguards.”
Thattookmeabackalittle.I’dalwaysthoughtthathavingadragonwasratherunique.Imean,nobodyelseIknewhadadragon.Thenagain,nobodyelseIknewhadbodyguards,either.
“Let’ssee,”Markiewassaying.“There’sTananda,Chumley.Guido,Nunzio,Buttercup,andGleep.Isthatall?”
“Well,there’salsoMassha.She’smyapprentice.”
“Massha.That’saprettyname.”
Now,therearelotsofwordstodescribemyapprentice,butunfortunately‘pretty’isn’toneofthem.
Masshaishuge,bothinheightandbreadth.Therearelargepeoplewhostillmanagetolookattractive,butmyapprenticeisn’toneofthem.Shetendstowardloud,colorfulclotheswhichinvariablyclashwithherbrightorangehair,andwearsenoughjewelryforthreestores.
Infact,thelasttimeshegotintoafighthereattheBazaarwaswhenanearsightedshoppermistookherforadisplaytent.
“Aahh...you’lljusthavetomeether.Butyou’reright.Masshaisaprettyname.”
“Gee,you’vegotalotofpeoplelivingwithyou.”
“Well...umm...thereisonemore.”
“Who’sthat?”
“HisnameisAahz.He’smypartner.”
“Ishenice,too?”
Iwastornbetweenloyaltyandhonesty.
“He...aah...takesgettingusedto.RememberhowItoldyounottobescaredofthebodyguardseveniftheywerealittlegruff?”
“Yes.”
“Well,it’sallrighttobescaredofAahz.Hegetsalittleupsetfromtimetotime,anduntilhecoolsdownit’sbesttogivehimalotofroomandnotleaveanythingbreakable-likeyourarm-withinhisreach.”
“Whatgetshimupset?”
“Oh,theweather,losingmoney,notmakingmoney...whichtohimisthesameaslosingmoney,anyoneofahundredthingsthatIsay...andyou!I’mafraidhe’sgoingtobealittleupsetwhenhemeetsyou.sostaybehindmeuntilIgethimcalmeddown.Okay?”
“Whywouldhebeupsetwithme?”
“You’regoingtobeasurprisetohim,andhedoesn’tlikesurprises.Yousee,he’saverysuspiciouspersonandtendstothinkofasurpriseasapartofanunknownplotagainsthim...orme.”
Markielapsedintosilence.Herblowfurrowedasshestaredoffintonothingness,anditoccurredtomethatIwasscaringher.
“Hey,don’tworry,”Isaid,squeezingherhand.“Aahzwillbeokayoncehegetsoverbeingsurprised.Nowtellmeaboutyourself.Doyougotoschool?”
“Yes.I’mhalfwaythroughElementalSchool.I’dbefurtherifwedidn’tkeepmovingaround.”
“Don’tyoumeanElementarySchool?”Ismiled.
“No.Imean...”
“Whoops.Hereweare.Thisisyournewhome,Markie.”
Igesturedgrandlyatthesmalltentthatwasourcombinationhomeandheadquarters.
“Isn’titalittlesmallforallthosepeople?”shefrowned,staringatthetent.
“It’sbiggerinsidethanitisoutside,”Iexplained.“C’mon.I’llshowyou.”
IraisedtheflapforherandimmediatelywishedIhadn’t.
“Wait’llIgetmyhandsonhim!”cameAahz’sboomingvoicefromwithin.“AfterallthetimesI’vetoldhimtostayawayfromdragonpoker!”
ItoccurredtomethatmaybeweshouldwaitforawhilebeforeintroducingMarkietomypartner.Istartedtoeasetheflapdown,butitwastoolate.
“Isthatyou,partner?I’dliketohavealittlechat,ifyoudon’tmind!”
“Remember.Staybehindme,”IwhisperedtoMarkie,thenproceededtowalkintothelion’sden.
ChapterThree:“I’mdoingthisforyourowngood!”
-ANYESTABLISHMENTEXECUTIONER...ORANYPARENT
AsItoldMarkie,ourplaceattheBazaarwasbiggerontheinsidethanontheoutside...lotsbigger!I’vebeeninsmallerpalaces...heck,I’velivedandworkedinsmallerpalacesthanourcurrentdomicile.BackwhenIwascourtmagicianatPossletum,tobeexact.
HereattheBazaar,theDeveelsthinkthatanydisplayofwealthwillweakentheirpositionwhentheyhaggleoverprices,sotheyhidethesizeoftheirhomesbytuckingtheminto‘unlisteddimensions.’Eventhoughourhomelookedlikejustahumbletentfromthestreet,theinsideincludedmultiplebedrooms,astablearea,acourtyardandgarden,etc.,etc.Yougetthepicture.
Unfortunatelyforme,atthemomentitalsoincludedmypartner,Aahz.
“Well,ifitisn’ttheBazaar’sownanswertoWar,Famine,Death,andPestilence!OtherdimensionshavetheFourHorsemen,buttheBazaaratDevahastheGreatSkeeve!”
Remembermypartner,Aahz?ImentionedhimbackinChapterOneandagaininChapterTwo.Mostofmyeffortstodescribehimfailtopreparepeoplefortherealthing.WhatIusuallyforgettomentiontofolksisthathe’sfromthedimensionPerv.Forthoseofyouunfamiliarwithdimensiontravel,thatmeansheisgreenandscalywithamouthbigenoughforanyotherthreebeingsandteethenoughforaschoolofsharks...ifshark’steethgottobefourincheslong,thatis.Idon’tdeliberatelyomitthingsfrommydescriptions.It’sjustthatafteralltheseyearsI’vegottenusedtohim.
“Haveyougotanythingatalltosayforyourself?Notthatthere’sanyacceptableexcuse,mindyou.It’sjustthattraditionallowsyouafewlastwords.”
Well...I’vealmostgottenusedtohim.
“Hi,Aahz.Haveyouheardaboutthecardgame?”
“Abouttwohoursago,”Masshasuppliedfromanearbychairwhereshewasentrenchedwithabookandahugeboxofchocolates.“He’sbeenlikethiseversince.”
“Iseeyou’vedoneyourusualmarvelousjobofcalminghimdown.”
“I’mjustanapprenticearoundhere,”shesaidwithashrug.“Gettingbetweenyoutwoinaquarrelisnotpartofmygameplanforalongandprosperouslife.”
“Ifyoutwoarequitethrough,”Aahzgrowled,“I’mstillwaitingtohearwhatyouhavetosayforyourself.”
“What’stosay?Isatinonagameofdragonpoker....”
“WHO’SBEENTEACHINGYOUTOPLAYDRAGONPOKER?That’swhatthereistosay!WasitTananda?Chumley?Howcomeyou’regoingtootherpeopleforlessonsallofasudden?Aren’tIgoodenoughfortheGreatSkeeveanymore?”
Thetruthofthesituationsuddenlydawnedonme.
AahzwasmyteacherbeforeheinsistedthatIbeelevatedtofullpartnerstatus.Eventhoughweweretheoreticallyequals,oldhabitsdiehardandhestillconsideredhimselftobemyexclusiveteacher,mentor,coach,andall-aroundnudge.Whattherealproblemwasthatmypartnerwasjealousofsomeoneelsehorninginonwhathefeltwashisprivatestudent!
PerhapsthisproblemwouldbeeasiertodealwiththanIthought.
“Nooneelsehasbeenteachingme,Aahz.EverythingIknowaboutdragonpoker,Ilearnedfromyou.”
“ButIhaven’ttaughtyouanything.”
“Exactly.”
Thatstoppedhim.Atleast,ithaltedhispacingasheturnedtopeersuspiciouslyatmewithhisyelloweyes.
“Youmeanyoudon’tknowanythingatallaboutdragonpoker?”
“Well,fromlisteningtoyoutalk,Iknowabouthowmanycardsaredealtoutandstufflikethat.Istillhaven’tfiguredoutwhatthevarioushandsare,muchlesstheirorder...youknow,whatbeatswhat.”
“Iknow,”mypartnersaidpointedly.“WhatIdon’tknowiswhyyoudecidedtositinonagameyoudon’tknowthefirstthingabout.”
“TheGeeksentmeaninvitation,andIthoughtitwouldbesociableto...”
“TheGeek?YousatinatoneoftheGeek’sgamesattheEven-Oddstobesociable?”Hewasoffagain.
“Don’tyouknowthatthosearesomeofthemostcutthroatgamesattheBazaar?Theyeatamateursaliveatthosetables.Andyouwenttheretobesociable?”
“Sure.IfiguredtheworsethatcouldhappenwouldbethatIlostalittlemoney.Thewaythingshavebeengoing,wecanaffordit.Besides,whoknows,Imightgetlucky.”
“Lucky?NowIknowyoudon’tknowanythingaboutdragonpoker.It’sagameofskill,notluck.Allyoucoulddowasthrowyourmoneyaway...moneywe’vebothriskedourlivesfor,Imightadd.”
“Yes,Aahz.”
“Andbesides,oneofthefirstthingsyoulearnplayinganykindofpokeristhatthesurestwaytoloseistogoinexpectingtolose.”
“Yes,Aahz.”
Outofdesperation,Iwasretreatingbehindmystrongestdefense.Iwasagreeingwitheverythinghesaid.EvenAahzhastroublestayingmadatsomeonewho’sagreeingwithhim.
“Well,what’sdoneisdoneandalltheshoutingintheworldwon’tchangeit.I
justhopeyou’velearnedyourlesson.Howmuchdiditcostyou,anyway?”
“Iwon.”
“Okay.Justtoshowyouthere’renohardfeelings,we’llsplitit.Inawayit’smyfault.Ishouldhavetaughtyou...”
Therewasasuddenstillnessintheroom.EvenMasshahadstoppedwithabonbonhalfwaytohermouth.Veryslowly,Aahzturnedtofaceme.
“Youknow,Skeeve,foraminutethere,Ithoughtyousaid...”
“Iwon,”Irepeated,tryingdesperatelynottosmile.
“Youwon.Asin‘betterthanbrokeeven’won?”
“Asin‘twentythousandingoldplus’won,”Icorrected.
“Butifyoudidn’tknowhowthegamewasplayed,howcouldyou...”
“Ijustbetthepeople,notthecards.Itseemedtoworkoutprettywell.”
Iwasinmyglorynow.ItwasararetimeindeedthatImanagedtoimpressmypartner,andIwasgoingtomilkitforallitwasworth.
“Butthat’scrazy!”Aahzscowled.“Imean,itcouldworkforawhile,butinthelongrun...”
“Hewasgreat!”Markieannounced,emergingfrombehindme.“Youshouldhaveseenit.Hebeateverybody.”
My“glory”cametumblingdownaroundmyears.
WithonehandIshovedMarkiebackbehindmeandbracedfortheexplosion.WhatIreallywantedtodowasrunforcover,butthatwouldhaveleftMarkiealoneintheopen,soIsettledforclosingmyeyes.
Nothinghappened.
Afterafewmoments,Icouldn’tstandthesuspenseanymoreandopenedoneeyetosneakapeek.TheviewIwastreatedtowasanextremeclose-upofoneof
Aahz’syelloweyes.Hewasstandingnosetonosewithme,apparentlywaitinguntilIwasreadybeforelaunchingintohistirade.Itwasobviousthathewasready.Thegoldflecksinhiseyeswereshimmeringasiftheywereabouttoboil...andforallIknew,theywere.
“Who...is...that?”
Idecidedagainsttryingtoplaydumbandsay“Whoiswhat?”Attherangehewasstanding,Aahzwouldhavebittenmyheadoff...literally!
“Umm...rememberIsaidthatIwontwentythousandplus?Well,she’stheplus.”
“YOUWONAKIDINACARDGAME!?!!”
Theforceofmypartner’svoiceactuallyknockedmebacktwosteps.IprobablywouldhavegonefartherifIhadn’tbumpedagainstMarkie.
“AREYOUOUTOFYOURMIND??DON’TYOUKNOWTHEPENALTYFORSLAVERYIS...”
Hedisappearedinmid-sentencebehindawalloffleshandtastelesscolor.Despiteherearlierclaimsofvaluingself-preservation,Masshahadsteppedbetweenus.
“Justcooldownaminute.GreenandScaly.”
Aahztriedtogetaroundher.
“BUTHEJUST...”
Shetookahalfstepsidewaysandblockedhimbyleaningagainstthewall.
“Givehimachancetoexplain.Heisyourpartner,isn’the?”
Fromthesoundofhisvoice,Aahzreversedhisfieldandtriedfortheotherside.
“BUTHE...”
Masshatooktwostepsandleanedagainsttheotherwall,allthewhiletalkingasifshewasn’tbeinginterrupted.
“Noweitherhe’sanidiot...whichheisn’t,oryou’realousyteacher...whichyouaren’t,orthere’smoretothisthanmeetstheeye.Hmmm?“
Therewereseveralmomentsofsilence,thenAahzspokeagaininavoicemuchmoresubdued.
“Allright,partner.Let’shearit.”
MassharelinquishedherspotandIcouldseeAahzagain...thoughIalmostwishedIcouldn’t.Hewasbreathinghard,butwhetherfromangerorfromtheexertionoftryingtogetaroundMasshaIcouldn’ttell.Icouldhearthescalesonhisfingersraspasheclenchedandunclenchedhisfists,andIknewthatI’dbettertellmystoryfastbeforehelostcontrolagain.
“Ididn’twinher,”Isaidhastily.“Iwonherfather’smarker.She’sourguaranteethathe’llcomebackandmakehislossesgood.”
Aahzstoppedmakingwiththefists,andapuzzledfrowncreasedhisfeatures.
“Amarker?Idon’tgetit.TheGeek’sgamesarealwaysonacash-and-carrybasis.”
“Well,heseemstohavemadeanexceptioninPidge’scase.”
“Pidge?”
“That’smydaddy,”Markieannounced,steppingfrombehindmeagain.“It’sshortforPigeon.Helosesalot...that’swhyeveryoneisalwayssohappytolethimsitinonagame.”
“Cutekid,”Aahzsaiddryly.“Italsomightexplainwhyyoudidsowellinthegametonight.Onescrewballcanchangethepaceofanentiregame.Still,whentheGeekdoestakemarkers,heusuallypaysthewinnersincashandhandlesthecollectinghimself.”
“Hewaswillingtodothat.”
“Thenwhy...”
“...andifMarkie’sfatherdidn’tshowupintwoweeks,hewasgoingtotakeher
off-dimensionandsellherintoslaveryhimselftoraisethemoney.”
Fromherchair.Masshagavealowwhistle.
“Sweetguy,thisGeek.”
“He’saDeveel.”Aahzwavedabsently,asifthestatementexplainedeverything.“Okay,okay.IcanseewhereyoufeltyouhadtoacceptcustodyofthekidhereinsteadofleavingherwiththeGeek.Justanswermeonequestion.”
“What’sthat?”
“Whatdowedowithherifherfatherdoesn’tshowup?”
SometimesIlikeitbetterwhenAahzisrantingthanwhenhe’sthinking.
“Aahh...I’mstillworkingonthatone.”
“Terrific.Well,whenyoucomeupwithananswer,letmeknow.IthinkI’llstayinmyroomuntilthiswholethingblowsover.”
Withthathestrodeoutoftheroom,leavingMasshaandmetodealwithMarkie.
“Cheerup.HotStuff,”myapprenticesaid.“Kidsaren’tallthatmuchofaproblem.Hey,Markie.Wouldyoulikeapieceofchocolate?”
“No,thankyou.Itmightmakemefatanduglylikeyou.”
Iwinced.Upuntilnow,MasshahadbeenmyallyonthesubjectofMarkie,butthismightchangeeverything.Shewasverysensitiveaboutherweight,somostofustendedtoavoidanymentionofit.Infact,IhadgottensousedtoherappearancethatItendedtoforgethowshelookedtoanyonewhodidn’tknowher.
“Markie!”Iaidsternly.“Thatwasn’taverynicethingtosay.”
“Butit’strue!”shecountered,turningherinnocenteyesonme.
“That’swhyit’snotnice,”Masshalaughed,thoughInoticedhersmilewasalittleforced.“C’mon,Markie.Let’shitthepantryandtrytofindyousomethingtoeat...somethinglow-calorie.”
Thetwoofthemtroopedout,leavingmealonewithmythoughts.Aahzhadraisedagoodquestion.WhatwerewegoingtodoifMarkie’sfatherdidn’tcomeback?Ihadneverbeenaroundkidsbefore.Iknewthathavingheraroundwouldcauseproblems,buthowmanyproblems?Witheverythingelsewehadhandledasateam,surelyAahzandIcouldhandlealittlegirl.Ofcourse,Aahzwas...
“Thereyouare.Boss!Good.Iwashopin’youwerestillup.”
Iclearedmymindtofindoneofmybodyguardsenteringtheroom.
“Oh.Hi,Guido.Howdidthereportgo?”
“Couldn’tbebetter.Infact,DonBrucewassohappyhesentyoualittlepresent.”
Inspiteofmyworries,Icouldn’thelpsmiling.Atleastsomethingwasgoingright.
“That’sgreat,”Isaid.“Icouldusealittlecheeringupjustnow.”
“ThenI’vegotjustthething.Hey,Nunzio!Bringherinhere!”
Mysmilefroze.Itrieddesperatelynottopanic.Afterall,Ireasoned,peoplerefertoalotofthingsas“her.”
Boats,forexample,oreven...
“Boss,thisisBunny.DonBrucesendsherwithhiscomplimentsonajobwelldone.She’sgoingtobeyourmoll.”
Thegirltheywereescortingintotheroomborenoresemblanceatalltoaboat.
ChapterFour:“Adollisadollisadoll.”
-F.SlNATRA
BUNNYwasatop-heavylittleredheadwithherhairinapixiecutandavacantstareazombiewouldenvy.Shewasvigorouslychewingsomethingassherubbernecked,tryingtotakeintheentireroomatonce.
“Gee.Thisisquiteaplaceyouguys’sgothere.It’salotnicerthanthelastplaceIwasat,yaknow?”
“Thisisjustthewaitin’room,”Nunziosaidwithpride.“Wait’llyouseetherestofthelayout.It’sbigger’nanyhangoutI’veeverworked,knowwhatImean?”
“What’samatterwithyoutwo?”Guidobarked.
“Ain’tyagotnomanners?Firstthingsfirst.Bunny,thisistheBoss.He’stheoneyou’regoin’tobeworkin’under.”
Bunnyadvancedtowardmeholdingoutherhand.
Fromthewayherbodymovedunderhertight-fittingclothes,therewaslittledoubtwhatshewaswearingunderthem...ornotwearing,asthecasemaybe.
“Pleasedtameetcha.Boss.Thepleasure’smutual,”shesaidbrightly.
Foronce,Iknewexactlywhattosay.
“No.”
Shestopped,thenturnedtowardGuidowithafrown.
“Hemeansnottocallhim‘Boss’untilyougettoknowhim,”mybodyguardassuredher.“Aroundherehe’sjustknownasSkeeve.”
“Gotcha,”shewinked.“Okay,Skeeve...yaknow,that’skindacute.”
“No,”Irepeated.
“Okay.Soit’snotcute.Whateveryousay.You’retheBoss.”
“NO!”
“But...”
IignoredherandturneddirectlytoGuido.
“Haveyoulostyourmarbles?Whatareyoudoingbringingherinherelikethis?”
“LikeIsaid.Boss,she’sapresentfromDonBruce.”
“Guido,lotsofpeoplegiveeachotherpresents.Presentslikenecktiesandbooks...notgirls!”
Mybodyguardshruggedhisshouldershelplessly.“SoDonBruceain’tlotsofpeople.He’stheonewhoassignedustoyouinthefirstplace,andhesaysthatsomeonewithyourstandin’intheMobshouldhaveamoll.”
“Guido...let’stalk.Excuseusaminute.Bunny.”
Islippedanarmaroundmybodyguard’sshouldersanddrewhimoffintoacorner.ThatmaysoundeasyuntilyourealizeIhadtoreachuptogettohisshoulders.BothGuidoandNunzioareconsiderablylargerthanme.
“Nowlook,Guido,”Isaid.“RememberwhenIexplainedoursetuptoyou?”
“Sure,Boss.”
“Well,let’swalkthroughitagain.DonBrucehiredAahzandmeonanon-exclusivebasistowatchovertheMob’sinterestshereattheBazaar.Now,hedidthatbecausetheordinarymethodsheemploysweren’tworking...Right?”
“Actually,hehiredyouandincludedyourpartner.Exceptforthat...right.”
“Whatever.WealsoexplainedtoyouthatthereasontheMob’susualmethods
weren’tworkingwasthattheBazaarmerchantshadhiredustochasetheMobout.Remember?”
“Yea.Thatwasreallyasurprisewhenyoutoldus.Youreallyhadusgoin’,knowwhatImean?”
“Nowthatbringsustothepresent.Themoneywe’recollectingfromtheBazaarmerchantsandpassingontoDonBruce,themoneyhethinksthey’repayingtheMobforprotection,isactuallybeingpaidtoustokeeptheMobawayfromtheBazaar.Getit?”
“Gotit.”
“Good.Then,understandingthesituationasyoudo,youcanseewhyIdon’twantamolloranyoneelsefromtheMobhangingaround.IfwordgetsbacktoDonBrucethatwe’reflim-flamminghim,it’llreopenthewholekettleofworms.That’swhyyou’vegottogetridofher.”
Guidonoddedvigorously.“No,”hesaid.
“Thenallyouhaveto...whatdoyoumean,‘no’?DoIhavetoexplainitalltoyouagain?”
Mybodyguardheavedagreatsigh.
“Iunderstandthesituation,Boss.ButIdon’tthinkyoudo.Allowmetocontinuewhereyouleftoff.”
“ButI...”
“Now,whateveryouare,DonBruceconsidersyoutobeaminorchieftainintheMobrunningaprofitableoperation.Right?”
“Well...”
“Assuch,youareentitledtoanicehouse,whichyouhave,acoupleofbodyguards,whichyouhave,andamoll,whichyoudon’thave.ThesethingsarenecessaryinDonBruce’seyesiftheMobistomaintainitspublicimageofrewardingsuccessfulmembers...justasitfindsitnecessarytoexpressitsdispleasureatmemberswhofail.Followme?”
“Publicimage,”Isaidweakly.
“SoitisintheinterestsoftheMobthatDonBrucehasprovidedyouwithwhatyouhavefailedtoprovideyourself...namely:amoll.Ifyoudonotlikethisone,wecantakeherbackandgetanother,butamollyoumusthaveifwearetocontinueinourexistingcarefreemanner.Otherwise...”Hepauseddramatically.
“Otherwise...?”Iprompted.
“IfyoudonotmaintaintheappearanceofasuccessfulMobmember,DonBrucewillbeforcedtodealwithyouasifyouwereunsuccessful...knowwhatImean?”
Isuddenlyfelttheneedtomassagemyforehead.“Terrific.”
“Mysentimentsexactly.Underthecircumstances,however,Ithoughtitwisesttoaccepthisgiftinyournameandhopethatyoucouldfindanamicablesolutiontoourdilemmaatalaterdate.”
“Isupposeyou’re...Hey!Waitaminute.WealreadyhaveMasshaandTanandainresidence.Won’ttheydo?”
Guidogavehissighagain.“Thispossibilitydidindeedoccurtomeaswell.ThenIsaidtomyself:‘Guido,doyoureallywanttobetheonetohangthelabelofmolloneitherMasshaorTananda,knowingthoseladiesasyoudo?EvenifitwillonlybebanteredaroundtheMob?’Viewedinthatlight,itwasmydecisiontogoalongwithDonBruce’sproposalandleaveittoyoutomakethefinaldecision...Boss.”
Ishotasharpglanceathimforthatlasttouchofsarcasm.Despitehisaffectedspeechpatternsandpseudo-pompousexplanations,IoccasionallyhadtheimpressionthatGuidowasfarmoreintelligentthanheleton.Atthemoment,however,hisfacewasastudyininnocence,soIletitride.
“Iseewhatyoumean,Guido.IfeitherMasshaorTanandaaregoingtobeknownas‘molls,’I’dratheritwastheirchoice,notmine.Untilthen,Iguesswe’restuckwith...what’shername?Bunny?Doesshewigglehernoseorsomething?”
Guidoglancedacrosstheroomattheothertwo,thenloweredhisvoice
conspiratorially.“Justbetweenyouandme,Boss,IthinkyouwouldbewelladvisedtoacceptthisparticularmollthatDonBrucehaspersonallyselectedtosend.KnowwhatImean?”
“No,Idon’t.”Igrimaced.“Excuseme,Guido,butthemind’sworkingalittleslowjustnow.Ifyou’retryingtotellmesomething,you’regoingtohavetospellitout.”
“Well,Ididalittlecheckin’around,anditseemsthatBunnyhereisDonBruce’sniece,and...”
“HISN...”
“Ssshh.Keepitdown.Boss.Idon’tthinkwe’resupposedtoknowthat.”
Withasupremeeffort,Isuppressedmyhysteriaandloweredmyvoiceagain.“Whatareyoutryingtodotome?I’mtryingtokeepthisoperationunderwrapsandyoubringmeDonBruce’sniece?”
“Don’tworry.”
“DON’TW...”
“Sshh!LikeIsaid.I’vebeencheckingaround.Itseemsthetwoofthemdon’tgetalongatall.Wouldn’tgiveeachotherthetimeofday.ThewayIhearit,hedoesn’twanthertobeamoll,andshewon’tgoalongwithanyotherkindofwork.Theyfightoveritlikecatsanddogs.Anyway,ifyoucantrustanymolltonotfeedDonBrucethestraightscoop,it’sher.That’swhyIwassayin’thatyoushouldkeepthisone.”
Myheadachehadnowspreadtomystomach.
“Swell.Justswell.Well,atleast...”
“TheonethingIcouldn’tfindout,though,”Guidocontinuedwithafrown,“iswhyhewantsherwithyou.Ifigurethatit’seitherthathethinksthatyou’lltreatherright,orthatheexpectsyoutoscareheroutofbein’amoll.I’mjustnotsurewhichwayyoushouldplayit.”
Thiswasnotturningouttobeagoodnightforme.Infact,ithadgonesteadily
downhillsinceIwonthatlasthandofdragonpoker.
“Guido,”Isaid.“Pleasedon’tsayanythingmore.Okay?Please?EverytimeIthinkthatthingsmightnotbesobad,youdragoutsomethingelsethatmakesthemworse.”
“Justtryin’todomyjob,”heshrugged,obviouslyhurt,“butifthat’swhatyouwant...well,you’retheBoss.”
“Andifyousaythatonemoretime,I’mliabletoforgetyou’rebiggerthanmeandpopyouoneinthenose.Understand?Beingthe‘Boss’impliesacertaindegreeofcontrol,andifthere’sonethingIdon’thaverightnow,it’scontrol.”
“Right,B...Skeeve,”mybodyguardgrinned.“Youknow,foraminutethereyousoundedjustlikemyoldB...employer.HeusedtobeatuponNunzioandmewhenhegotmad.Ofcourse,wehadtostandthereandtakeit....”
“Don’tgivemeanyideas,”Isnarled.“Fornow,let’sjustconcentrateonBunny.”
Iturnedmyattentiononcemoretotheproblemathand,whichwastosayBunny.Shewasstillstaringvacantlyaroundtheroom,jawsworkingmethodicallyonwhateveritwasshewaschewing,andapparentlyoblivioustowhateveritwasNunziowastryingtotellher.
“Well,uh...Bunny,”Isaid,“itlookslikeyou’regoingtobestayingwithusforawhile.”
ShereactedtomywordsasifIhadhither“on”switch.
“Eeoooh!”shesquealed,asifIhadjusttoldherthatshehadwonabeautypageant.“Oh,IknowI’mjustgoin’toloveworkin’underyou,Skeevie.”
Mystomachdidaslowrolltotheleft.
“ShallIgetherthings,Boss?”Nunziosaid.“She’sgotaboutamountainandahalfofluggageoutside.”
“Oh,youcanleaveallthat,”Bunnycooed.“IjustknowmySkeevieisgoingtowanttobuymeawholenewwardrobe.”
“Holdit!Timeout!”Iordered.“HouserulestimeBunny,somethingsaregoingtodisappearfromyourvocabularyrightnow.First,forget‘Skeevie.’It’sSkeeve...justSkeeve,orifyoumust,theGreatSkeeveinfrontofcompany.NotSkeevie.”
“Gotcha,”shewinked.
“Next,youdonotworkunderme.You’re...you’remypersonalsecretary.Gotit?”
“Whysure,sugar.That’swhatI’malwayscalled.”Againwiththewink.
“Nowthen,Nunzio.Iwantyoutogetherluggageandmoveitinto...Idon’tknow,thepinkbedroom.”
“YouwantIshouldgivehimahand,Boss?”Guidoasked.
“Youstayput.”Ismiled,baringallmyteeth.“I’vegotaspecialjobforyou.”
“Nowjustadarnminute!”Bunnyinterrupted,hercutie-pieaccentnoticeablylacking.“What’sthiswiththe‘pinkbedroom’?Somehowyoudon’tstrikemeasthekindthatsleepsinapinkbedroom.Aren’tImovingintoyourbedroom?”
“I’msleepinginmybedroom,”Isaid.“Nowisn’titeasierforyoutomoveintooneofoursparesthanformetorelocatejustsoyoucanmoveintomine?”
AsIsaid,ithadbeenalongnight,andIwasmorethanalittleslow.Luckyforme,Bunnywasfastenoughforbothofus.
“Ithoughtwewasgoin’tobesharin’aroom,Mr.Skeeve.That’sthewholeideaofmybein’here,yaknow?What’swrong?YathinkIgotbadbreathorsumpin’?”
“Aahh...ummm...”Isaidintelligently.
“Hi,Guido...Nunzio.Who’s...ohwow!”
Thatlastwittylinedidn’tcomefromme.MasshahadjustenteredtheroomwithMarkieintowandlurchedtoahaltatthesightofBunny.
“Hey.Boss!What’swiththekid?”
“Guido,Nunzio,thisisMarkie...ourotherhouseguest.Massha,Markie,thisisBunny.She’sgoingtobestayingwithusforawhile...inthepinkbedroom.”
“NowIgetit!”Bunnyexclaimed.“Youwantweshouldplayitcoolbecauseofthekid!Well,youcancountonme.DiscretionisBunny’smiddlename.Thepinkbedroomitis!”
Icouldcheerfullyhavethrottledher.IfhermeaningwaslostonMarkie,itcertainlyhadn’tgottenpastMassha,whowasstaringoutatmefromunderraisedeyebrows.
“Whatever!”Isaidratherthantakemoredrasticaction.“Now,Nunzio,yougetBunnysetupinthepinkbedroom.Massha,IwantyoutogetMarkiesettledinthebluebedroomnexttomine...andknockitoffwiththeeyebrows.I’llexplaineverythinginthemorning.”
“ThatIwanttohear,”shesnorted.“C’mon,kid.”
“I’mnottired!”Markieprotested.
“Tough!”Icountered.“Iam.”
“Oh,”shesaidmeeklyandfollowedMassha.
Whateverkindofacrumbherfathermightbe,somewherealongthelineshehadlearnedwhenadultscouldbearguedwithandwhenitwasbesttogowiththeflow.
“Whatdoyouwantmetodo.Boss?”Guidoaskedeagerly.
Ifavoredhimwithmyevilestgrin.
“RememberthatspecialassignmentIsaidIhadforyou?”
“Yea,Boss?”
“I’llwarnyou,it’sdangerous.”
Thatappealedtohisprofessionalpride,andhepuffedouthischest.“The
tougherthebetter.Youknowme!”
“Fine,”Isaid.“AllyouhavetodoisgoupstairsandexplainBunnytoAahz.Itseemsmypartnerisn’ttalkingtomejustnow.”
ChapterFive:“Suchstuffdreamsaremadeof.”
-S.BEAUTY
LUANNAwaswithme.Icouldn’trememberwhenshearrivedorhowlongshehadbeenhere,butIdidn’tcare.
Ihadn’tseenhersincewegotbackfromthejailbreakonLimbo,andIhadmissedherterribly.Shehadleftmetostaywithherpartner.Matt,andalittlepieceofmewentwithher.Iwon’tbesocornballastosayitwasmyheart,butitwasinthatgeneralvicinity.TherewassomuchIwantedtotellher...wantedtoaskher,butitdidn’treallyseemnecessary.Wejustlaysidebysideonagrassyhillwatchingtheclouds,enjoyingeachother’scompanyinsilence.Icouldhavestayedlikethatforever,butsheraisedherselfononeelbowandspokesoftlytome.
“Ifyou’lljustskootchoveralittle,Skeevie,wecanbothgetcomfy.”
Thiswassomehowjarringtomyserenity.Shedidn’tsoundlikeLuannaatall.Luanna’svoicewasmusicalandexciting.Shesoundedlike...
“BUNNY!”
Iwassuddenlysittingboltupright,notonagrassyknoll,butinmyownbed.
“Ssshh!You’llwakeupthekid!”
Shewasperchedontheedgeofmybedwearingsomethingfilmythatwasevenmorerevealingthantheskintightoutfitshehadhadonlastnight.
“Whatareyoudoinginmyroom!?”
IhaddistinctmemoriesofstackingseveralpiecesoffurnitureinfrontofthedoorbeforeIretired,andaquickglanceconfirmedthattheywerestillinplace.
“Throughthesecretpassageway,”shesaidwithoneofherwinks.“Nunzioshowedittomelastnight.”
“Oh,hedid,didhe?”Isnarled.“Remindmetoexpressmythankstohimforthatlittleservice.”
“Saveyourthanks,sugar.You’regoin’toneedthemwhenIgetdonewithyou.”
Withthatsheraisedthecoversandslidinnexttome.
Islidouttheothersideofthebedasifaspiderhadjustjoinedme.NotthatI’mafraidofspiders,mindyou,butBunnyscaresmestiff.
“Nowwhat’swrong?”shewhined.
“Um...ah...look.Bunny.Canwetalkforaminute?”
“Sure,”shesaid,sittingupinbedandbendingforwardtorestherelbowsonherknees.“Anythingyousay.”
Unfortunately,hercurrentpositionalsogavemeanunrestrictedviewofhercleavage.IpromptlyforgotwhatIwasgoingtosay.
“Aaah...I...urn...”
Therewasaknockatthedoor.
“Comein!”Isaid,gratefulfortheinterruption.
ThatisbeyondadoubtthedumbestthingIhaveeversaid.
Thedooropened,sweepingthestackedfurniturebackwithamazingease,andChumleywalkedin.
“Isay,Skeeve,Aahzhasjustbeentellingmethemostremarkable...Hal-lo?”
ImentionedbeforethatChumleyisatroll.WhatIdidn’tsaywasthathecouldblush...probablybecauseIdidn’tknowitmyselfuntiljustnow.OfallthesightsI’veseeninseveraldimensions,ablushingtrollisinacategoryallitsown.
“YoumustbeChumley!”Bunnychirped.“Theboystoldmeaboutyou.”
“Umm...quiteright.Pleasedtomakeyouracquaintanceandallthat,”thetrollsaid,tryingtoaverthiseyeswhilestillmakingpoliteconversation.
“Yeah.Sure,Chum.Don’tyouhavesomethin’elsetodo...likeleavin’?”
Iclutchedathisarmindesperation.
“No!Imean...Chumleyalwayscomesbyfirstthinginthemorning.”
“Ahh...Yes.JustwantedtoseeifSkeevewasreadyforaspotofbreakfast.”
“Well,Igotherefirst,”Bunnybristled.“IfSkeeviewantssomethingtonibbleon,hecan...”
“Goodmorning.Daddy!”
Markiecameboundingintotheroomandgavemeahugbeforeanyofusknewshewasaround.
“Well,well.YoumustbeSkeeve’snewward,Markie,”thetrollbeamed,obviouslythankfultohavesomethingtofocusonotherthanBunny.
“Andyou’reChumley.Hi,Bunny!”
“Hiya,kid,”Bunnyrespondedwithanoticeablelackofenthusiasmasshepulledthecoversuparoundherneck.
“Areyouup,Skeeve?”
ThevoicewaftinginfromthecorridorwasimmediatelyidentifiableasTananda.
ChumleyandIhadrarelyworkedtogetherasateam,butthistimenoplanningorcoordinationwasnecessary.IscoopedMarkieupandcarriedherintothehallwhileChumleyfollowed,slammingthedoorbehindhimwithenoughforcetocrackthewood.
“Pippip,littlesister.Fineday,isn’tit?”
“Hi,Tananda!What’snew?”
Ourcordialgreetings,intendedtodisarmthesituation,succeededonlyin
stoppingourcolleagueinhertracks.
Tanandaisquiteattractive-ifcurvaceous,oliveskinned,green-hairedwomenareyourtype.Ofcourse,shelooksalotbetterwhensheisn’tpursingherlipsandnarrowinghereyessuspiciously.
“Well,foropeners,I’dsaythelittlegirlunderyourarmisnew,”shesaidfirmly.“Imaynotbethemostobservantperson,butI’msureIwouldhavenoticedherifshehadbeenaroundbefore.”
“Oh.Well,thereareafewthingsI’vegottodebriefyouon,”Ismiledweakly.“Thisisoneofthem.HernameisMarkie,and...”
“Later,Skeeve.RightnowI’mmorecuriousaboutwhatmybigbrother’supto.How‘boutit,Chumley?I’veseenyouslamdoorsonthewayintobedroomsbefore,butneveronthewayout.”
“Ummm...thatis...”thetrollmumbledawkwardly,“Actually,”Iassisted,“It’smorelike...yousee...”
“ExactlywhatIhadinmind,”Tanandadeclared,slippingpastusandflingingthebedroomdooropen.
Myroomwasmercifullyemptyofoccupants.ApparentlyBunnyhadretreatedthroughwhateversecretpanelshehademergedfrom.ChumleyandIexchangedunnotedglancesofrelief.
“Idon’tgetit.”Tanandafrowned.“Youtwoactedlikeyouweretryingtohideabody.There’snothingheretobesosecretiveabout.”
“Ithinktheydidn’twantyoutoseethegirlinmydaddy’sbed,”Markiesuppliedbrightly.
IwantedtoexpressmythankstoMarkiebutdecidedthatIhadenoughproblemswithoutaddingmurdertothelist.
“Well,Skeeve?”Tanandasaid,hereyebrowsalmostreachingherhairline.
“Ummm...actually,I’mnotreallyherdaddy.That’soneofthethingsIwantedtodebriefyouabout.”
“Imeantaboutthegirlinyourroom!”
“That’stheotherthingIwantedto...”
“Cuthimsomeslack!Huh,Tananda?It’suncivilizedtobeatuponsomeonebeforebreakfast.”
ThatwasAahz,whoforoncehadapproachedourgatheringwithoutbeingseen...orheard.He’susuallynotbigonquietentrances.
Forthatmatter,Ihadneverknownhimtobeatallreluctantaboutbeatinguponsomeone-say,forexample,me-beforebreakfast.Still,Iwasgratefulforhisintervention.
“Hi,Aahz.Wewerejust...”
“Doyouknowwhatyourpartnerisdoing!?”Tanandasaidinavoicethatcouldfreezewine.“Heseemstobeturningourhomeintoacombinationdaycarecenterand...”
“Iknowallaboutit,”Aahzinterrupted,“andsowillyouifyou’lljustcooldown.We’llexplaineverythingoverbreakfast.”
“Well...”
“Besides,”Markiepipedup,“It’snotyourhome.It’smydaddy’s.Hejustletsyoulivehere.Hecandoanythinghewantsinhishouse!”
Ireleasedmyholdonher,hopingtodumpheronherhead.Insteadshetwistedinmidairandlandedonherfeetlikeacat,allthewhilesneeringsmugly.
Tanandahadstiffenedasifsomeonehadjabbedherwithapin.
“Isupposeyou’reright,Markie,”shesaidthroughtightlips.“Ifthe‘GreatSkeeve’wantstorompwithsomebitoffluff,it’snoneofmybusiness.AndifIdon’tlikeit,Ishouldjustgoelsewhere.”
Shespunonherheelandstartedoffdownthehall.
“Whataboutbreakfast?”Aahzcalledafterher.
“I’llbeeatingout...permanently!”
Wewatchedherdepartureinhelplesssilence.
“I’dbettergoafterher,”Chumleysaidatlast.“Inthemoodshe’sin,shemighthurtsomeone.”
“CouldyoutakeMarkiewithyou?”Aahzrequested,stillstaringafterTananda.
“Areyoukidding?”thetrollgaped.
“Well,atleastdropheroffinthekitchen.I’vegottohaveafewwordswithSkeeveinprivate.”
“Iwanttostayhere!”Markieprotested.
“Go,”Isaidquietly.
Theremusthavebeensomethinginmyvoice,becausebothMarkieandChumleyheadedoffwithoutfurtherargument.
“Partner,you’vegotaproblem.”
“Don’tIknowit.IftherewasanywayIcouldshipherbacktoDonBruce,I’ddoitinaminute,but...”
“I’mnottalkingaboutBunny!”
Thatstoppedme.
“Youaren’t?”
“No.Markie’stheproblem,notBunny.”
“Markie?Butshe’sjustalittlegirl.”
Aahzheavedasmallsignandputonehandonmyshoulder...gently,forachange.
“Skeeve,I’vegivenyoualotofadviceinthepast,someofitbetterthanothers.Forthemostpart,you’vedoneprettywellatwingingitinunfamiliarsituations,
butthistimeyou’reinoveryourhead.Believeme,youdon’thavethevaguestideaofthekindofhavocakidcancauseinyourlife...especiallyalittlegirl.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Mypartnerwasobviouslysincereinhisconcern,andforachangeexpressingitinaverycalm,low-keymanner.Still,Icouldn’tgoalongwithwhathewassaying.
“C’mon,Aahz.Howmuchtroublecanshebe?ThisthingwithTanandahappenedbecauseofBunny...”
“...afterMarkiestartedmouthingoffatthewrongtime.IalreadyhadTanandacoolingoffwhenMarkieputhertwocentsin.”
ItalsooccurredtomethatMarkiewastheonewhohadspilledthebeanstoTanandainthefirstplace.Ishovedthatthoughttothebackofmymind.
“Soshedoesn’thaveenoughsensetokeephermouthshut.She’sjustakid.Wecan’texpectherto...”
“That’smypoint.Thinkaboutouroperationforaminute,partner.Howmanytimesinonedaycanthingsgosourifsomeonesaysthewrongthingattherightmoment?It’stakenusayeartogetGuidoandNunzioonboard...andthey’readults.Bringingakidintotheplaceislikewavingatorcharoundafireworksfactory.”
AsmuchasIappreciatedhiseffortstoexplainaproblemtome,IwasstartingtowearyabitofAahz’ssingle-mindedpursuitofhispoint.
“Okay.SoIhaven’thadmuchexperiencearoundkids.Imaybeunderestimatingthesituation,butaren’tyoubeingabitofanalarmist?Whatexperienceareyoubasingyourworrieson?”
“Areyoukidding?”mypartnersaid,laughingforthefirsttimeinourconversation.“Anyonewho’sbeenaroundasmanycenturiesasIhavehashadmorethantheirshareofexperiencewithkids.YoumetmynephewRupert?Youthinkhewasbornanadult?Andhe’sonlyoneofmorenieces,nephews,andgrandchildrenthanIcancountwithoutbeingreducedtoanervouswreckbythememories.”
AndIthoughIcouldn’tbesurprisedbyAahzanymore.
“Really?Grandchildren?Ineverevenknewyouhadkids.”
“Idon’tliketotalkaboutit.Thatinitselfshouldbeaclue.WhensomeonewholikestotalkasmuchasIdototallyavoidsasubject,thememorieshavegottobelessthanpleasant!”
Iwasstartingtogetabitworried.RealizingthatAahzusuallytendstominimizedanger,hiswarningswerestartingtosetmyoveractiveimaginationingear.
“Ihearwhatyou’resaying,Aahz.Butwe’reonlytalkingaboutonekidhere.Howmuchtroublecanonelittlegirlbe?”
Mypartner’sfacesuddenlysplitintooneofhisinfamousevilgrins.“Rememberthatquote,”hesaid.“I’mgoingtobetossingitbackatyoufromtimetotime.”
“But...”
“Hey,Boss!There’ssomeoneheretoseeyou!”
JustwhatIneeded!IhadalreadyprettymuchresolvednottotakeonanymoreclientsuntilafterMarkie’sfatherhadreclaimedher.Ofcourse,Ididn’twanttosaythatinfrontofAahz,especiallyconsideringourcurrentconversation.
“I’minthemiddleofaconference,Guido!”Icalled.“Tellthemtocomebacklater.”
“Suityourself,Boss!”camethereply.“Ijustthoughtyou’dwanttoknow,seein’ashowit’sLuanna...”
Iwasofflikeashot,notevenbotheringtoexcusemyself.Aahzwouldunderstand.HeknewI’dhadathingforLuannasinceourexpeditionintoLimbo.
Onmywaytothewaitingroom,Ihadtimetospeculateastowhetherornotthiswasoneofmybodyguard’slittlepranks.Idecidedthatifitwas,IwouldstudyharduntilIknewenoughmagictoturnhimintoatoad.
Mysuspicionsweregroundless.Shewasthere.Mybeautifulblondgoddess.Whatreallymademyheartleap,though,wasthatshehadherluggagewithher.
“Hi,Luanna.Whatareyoudoinghere?Where’sMatt?Howhavethingsbeen?Wouldyoulikesomethingtodrink?CouldI...”
IsuddenlyrealizedthatIwasbabblingandforcedmyselftopause.
“Aahh...whatI’mtryingtosayisthatit’sgoodtoseeyou.”
Thatgotmetheslowsmilethathadhauntedmydreams.“I’mglad,Skeeve.Iwasafraidyou’dforgottenaboutme.”
“Notachance,”Isaid,thenrealizedIwasleering.“Thatis,no,Ihaven’tforgottenaboutyou.”
Herdeepblueeyeslockedwithmine,andIfeltmyselfsinkinghelplesslyintotheirdepths.
“That’sgood,”shesaidinthatmusicalvoiceofhers.“Iwasworriedabouttakingyouuponyourofferafterallthistime.”
Thatgotthroughthefogthatwasthreateningtoenvelopmymind.“Offer?Whatoffer?”
“Oh,youdon’tremember!Ithought...oh,thisisembarrassing.”
“Waitaminute!”Icried.“Ihaven’tforgotten!It’sjustthat...letmethink...it’sjust...”
Likeabeamofsunlightinaswampthememorycametome.“YoumeanwhenIsaidthatyoucouldcometoworkforAahzandme?That’sit?Right?”
“That’swhatIwastalkingabout!”Thesuncamefrombehindthecloudsasshesmiledagain.“Yousee,MattandIhavesplit,andIthought...”
“Doyouwantanybreakfast.Daddy?Yousaid...oh!Hello.”
“DADDY!!??”
MarkieandLuannastaredateachother.
Irevisedmyplansrapidly.Iwouldstudyhardandturnmyselfintoatoad.
“Icanexplain,Luanna...”Ibegan.
“Ithinkyoushouldkeepthisone,Daddy,”Markiesaid,nevertakinghereyesoffLuanna.“She’salotprettierthantheotherone.”
“THEOTHER...Oh!YoumeanTananda.”
“No,Imean...”
“MARKIE!”Iinterrupteddesperately.“Whydon’tyouwaitformeinthekitchen.I’llbealonginaminuteafterIfinishtalkingto...”
“Skeevie,arewegoingtogoshopping?”Bunnyslitheredintotheroom.“Ineed...who’sthat!?”
“Me?I’mnobody.”Luannarespondedgrimly.“IneverrealizeduntiljustnowhowmuchofanobodyIam!”
“Well,thejob’salreadytaken,ifthat’swhatyou’reherefor,”Bunnysmirked.
“Waitaminute!It’sadifferentjob!Really!Luanna,luanna...Luanna??”
Sometimeduringmyhysteria,theloveofmylifehadgatheredupherbagsandleft.Iwastalkingtoemptyair.
“Gee,Skeevie.What’reyoutalkin’toherforwhenyougotme?Aren’tI...”
“Daddy.CanI...”
“SHUTUP!BOTHOFYOU!Letmethink!”
TryasImight,theonlythoughtthatkeptcomingtomewasthatmaybeAahzwasright.MaybekidsweremoretroublethanIthought.
ChapterSix:“Bringthewholefamily...butleavethekidsathome!”
-R.McDONALD
“REALLY,HotStuff.Doyouthinkthisissuchagreatidea?”
“Massha,please!I’mtryingtothinkthingsout.Icouldn’tgetmythoughtstogetherbackatChaosCentralwithAahznatteringatme,andIwon’tbeabletodoitnowifyoustartup.Now,areyougoingtohelpornot?”
Myapprenticeshruggedhermassiveshoulders.
“Okay.Whatdoyouwantmetodo?”
“Justkeepaneyeonthosetwoandseethattheydon’tgetintoanytroublewhileIthink.”
“Keepthemoutoftrouble?AttheBazaaratDeva?Aren’tGuidoandNunziosupposedto...”
“Massha!”
“Allright.Allright.Iwantitnoted,though,thatI’mtakingthisassignmentunderprotest.”
I’msureIdidn’tgiveAahzthismuchbacktalkwhenIwasapprenticedtohim.EverytimeIsaythatoutloud,however,mypartnerburstsintosuchgalesoflaughterthatnowItendtokeepthethoughttomyself,evenwhenheisn’taround.
Aftersomeresistance,IhadagreedtotakeBunnyandMarkieonastrollthroughtheBazaar.AsIsaidtoMassha,thiswasmoretogetabitoftimeawayfromAahzthanitwasgivingintoBunny’swhining,thoughthatvoicewasnoteasytoignore.
InacknowledgementofAahz’srepeatedwarningsoftrouble,IhadrecruitedmyapprenticetoaccompanyussoI’dhaveabackupifthingswentawry.GuidoandNunziowerealong,ofcourse,buttheyweremoreconcernedwiththingscomingatmethanwithanythinganyoneinourpartymightdototheimmediateenvironment.
Allinall,wemadequiteaprocession.TwoMobbodyguards,awoman-mountaindisguisedasajewelrydisplay,amoll,akid,andme!Forachange,Iwasn’tthe“kid”oftheparty.Therewassomethingtobesaidforhavinganhonest-to-goodnesschildtravelingwithyou.Itautomaticallymadeonelookolderandsomehowmoreresponsible.
WehadbeeninresidenceattheBazaarforsometimenow,andtheneighborhoodmerchantswereprettymuchusedtous.Thatis,theyknewthatifIwasinterested,I’dcometothem.IfIwasn’t,noamountofwheedlingorcajolingwouldtemptmeintobuying.Thatmightseemalittlestrangetoyou,afterallmyglowingaccountsofthewondersforsaleattheBazaar,butIhadfallenintothepatternquitenaturally.Yousee,ifyoujustvisittheBazaaronceinawhile,it’sallquiteimpressive,andyoufeelcompelledtobuyjusttokeepfromlosingoutonsomereallyniftybargains.Ifyoulivethere,ontheotherhand,there’snorealcompulsiontobuyanythingrightnow.Imean,ifIneedaplantthatgrowstenfeetinaminute,I’llbuyit...whenIneedit.
Untilthen,theplantcanstayinitsshopthreedoorsfromourtent,andmymoneycanstayinmypocket.
That’showthingswere,normally.Ofcourse,mysituationtodaywasanythingbutnormal.Ihadknownthisallalong,ofcourse,butIhadn’treallystoppedtothinkthroughalltheramificationsofmycurrentstateofaffairs.
Okay.SoIwasdumb.Remember,Iwastakingthisstrolltotrytogetachancetothink.Remember?
MaybeIhadn’tzeroedinonwhatmypartylookedlike,buttheDeveelsspottedthedifferencebeforewehadgonehalfablock.
SuddenlyeveryDeveelwhohadn’tbeenabletofoistoffsometrinketonmeforthelasttwoyearswasouttogiveitonemoretry.
“Lovepotions!Resultsguaranteed!”
“Snakenecklaces!Poisonousandnon!”
“SpecialdiscountsfortheGreatSkeeve!”
“SpecialdiscountsforanyfriendoftheGreatSkeeve!”
“Tryour...
“Buymy...”
“Tastethese...”
Mostofthiswasnotaimedatme,butatBunnyandMarkie.TheDeveelsswarmedaroundthemlike...well,likeDeveelssmellinganeasyprofit.ThisisnottosaythatGuidoandNunzioweren’tdoingtheirjobs.Iftheyhadn’tbeenclearingapathforus,wewouldn’thavebeenabletomoveatall.Asitwas,ourprogresswassimplyslowedtoacrawl.
“Stillthinkthiswasagoodidea,HighRoller?”
“Massha!Ifyou...”
“Justasking.Ifyoucanthinkinthisracket,though,you’vegotbetterconcentrationthanIdo.”
Shewasright,butIwasn’tabouttoadmitit.Ijustkeptstaringforwardaswewalked,trackingtheactivityaroundmeoutofthecornersofmyeyeswithoutturningmyhead.
“Skeevie.’CanIhave...”
“No.”
“Lookat...”
“No.”
“Couldn’twe...”
“No!”
Bunnywasgettingtobeapain.Sheseemedtowanteverythinginsight.Fortunately,Ihaddevelopedtheperfectdefense.AllIhadtodowassay“No!”toeverything.
“Whydidwegoshoppingifwearen’tgoingtobuyanything?”
“Well...”
Somuchformyperfectdefense.Nottobestymied,IswitchedimmediatelytoPlanB,whichwassimplytokeepourpurchasesataminimum.Ididn’tseemtobetoosuccessfulatthat,either,butIconsoledmyselfbytryingtoimaginehowmuchjunkwewouldhavegottenloadeddownwithifIhadn’tbeenridingthebrake.
Surprisinglyenough,despiteallofAahz’sdirepredictions,Markiewasn’tmuchtroubleatall.Ifoundhertoberemarkablywellmanneredandobedient,andsheneveraskedmetobuyheranything.Instead,shecontentedherselfwithpointingouttoBunnythefewboothsthatindividualoverlooked.
Thereweren’tmany.
MyonlysalvationwasthatBunnydidnotseeminterestedintheusualcollectionofwhiz-bangsandwowersthatmostvisitorstotheBazaarfindirresistible.
Shewasremarkablyloyaltoherprimepassion-apparel.Hats,dresses,shoes,andaccessoriesallhadtopassherclosescrutiny.
I’lladmitthatBunnydidnotindulgeinrandompurchases.Shehadashrewdeyeforfabricandconstruction,andbettercolorsensethananyoneIhaveeverknown.AahzalwayssaidthatImpswereflashydressers,andIhadsecretlytriedtopatternmyownwardrobeaftertheirexample.However,oneafternoonofshoppingwithBunnywasaneducationinitself.Impshavenothingonmollswhenitcomestoclothessense.
ThemoreIwatchedBunnypursuethefashionsavailableattheBazaar,themoreself-consciousIbecameaboutmyownappearance.Eventually,Ifoundmyselflookingoverafewitemsformyself,andfromthereitwasashortsteptobuying.
Innotimeflat,wehadasmallmountainofpackagestocartalongwithus.Bunnyhadstockeduponacoupleofoutfitsthatchangedcolorwithhermood,
andwasnowwearinganintriguingblousewhichhadatransparentpatchthatmigratedrandomlyaroundhertorso.Ifthelattersoundsdistracting,itwas.Myownindulgenceswerefew,butsufficienttoaddtotheoverallbulkofmerchandisewehadtotransport.
GuidoandNunziowereexemptfrompackage-carryingduties,andMasshaflatlyrefusedonthebasisthatbeingalargewomantryingtomaneuverthroughtheBazaarwasdifficultenoughwithouttryingtojugglepackagesatthesametime.Realizingthe“youbreakit,youboughtit”policiesoftheBazaar,Icouldscarcelyarguewithhercautiousposition.
Thefinalresolutiontoourbaggageproblemwasreallyquitesimple.Iflexedmymagicpowersabitandlevitatedthewholekitandkaboodle.Idon’tnormallyliketoflauntmypowerspublicly,butIfiguredthatthiswasanecessaryexceptiontotherule.Ofcourse,havingourpurchasesfloatingalongbehinduswaslikehavingalighthouseintow;itdrewtheDeveelsoutoftheirstallsindroves.
Tomysurprise,Istartedtoenjoythesituation.Humilityandanonymityiswellandgood,butsometimesitsnicetobemadeafussover.Bunnyhungonmyarmandshoulderlikeabonelessfalcon,cooinglittleendearmentsofappreciation...thoughthefactthatIwaswillingtofinanceherpurchasesseemedtobemakingasmuchasormoreofanimpressiononherthanmyminordisplayofmagic.
“Can’tsayIthinkmuchofhertasteinclothes,”
MasshamurmuredtomeaswepausedoncemorewhileBunnydartedintoanearbybooth.
Tosaytheleast,IwasnoteagertogetdrawnintoadiscussioncomparingtherespectivetastesinclothesofBunnyandmyapprentice.
“Differentbodytypeslookbetterindifferentstyles,”Isaid,astactfullyasIcould.
“Yeah?Andwhatstylelooksbestonmybodytype?”
“Inallhonesty,Massha,Ican’tpictureyoudressinganydifferentlythanyoudo.”
“Really?Say,thanks,Skeeve.Agirlalwayslikestohearafewappreciativenoisesabouthowshelooks.”
Ihadnarrowlysidesteppedthatbooby-trapandcastaboutfranticallyforanewsubjectbeforetheotherinterpretationofmystatementoccurredtoher.
“Umm...hasn’tMarkiebeenwell-behaved?”
“I’llsay.I’lladmitIwasalittleworriedwhenyoufirstbroughtherin,butshe’sbeenanangel.Idon’tthinkI’veeverknownakidthispatientandobedient.”
“Undemanding,too,”Isaid.“I’vebeenthinkingofgettinghersomethingwhilewe’reout,butI’mhavingtroublecomingupwithanythingappropriate.TheBazaarisn’tbigontoyshops.”
“Areyoukidding?It’sonebigtoyshop!”
“Massha...”
“Okay,okay.Sothey’remostlytoysforadults.Letmethink.Howoldisshe,anyway?”
“I’mnotreallysure.ShesaidshewasinthethirdgradeatElementarySchool...eventhoughshecallsitElementalSchool...sothatwouldmakeher...”
IrealizedthatMasshawasstaringatmeinwide-eyedhorror.
“ElementalSchool!?”
“That’swhatshecalledit.Cute,huh?Why,whatdoes...”
Myapprenticeinterruptedmebygrabbingmyarmsohardthatithurt.“Skeeve.We’vegottogetherbackhome...QUICK!!”
“ButIdon’tsee...”
“I’llexplainlater!Justgetherandgo!I’llroundupBunnyandgetherback,butyou’vegottogetmoving!”
Tosaytheleast,Ifoundhermannerpuzzling.IhadneverseenMasshasoupset.Thiswasobviouslynotthetimeforquestions,though,soIlookedaroundfor
Markie.Shewasstanding,fistsclenched,glaringatatentwithaclosedflap.
Allofasuddeneveryonewasgettinguptight.FirstMassha,andnowMarkie.
“What’swiththekid?”Isaid,tappingGuideontheshoulder.
“Bunny’sintryingonsomepeek-a-boonighties,andtheownerchasedMarkieout,”mybodyguardexplained.“Shedon’tlikeitmuch,butshe’llgetoverit.It’spartofbein’akid,Iguess.”
“Isee.Well,Iwasjustgoingtotakeherbackhomeanyway.Couldoneofyoustayherewith...”
“SKEEVE!STOPHER!!”
Masshawasshoutingatme.Iwasturningtowardhertoseewhatshewastalkingaboutwhenithappened,soIdidn’tseeallthedetails.
TherewasasuddenWHOOSHfollowedbythesoundsofrippingcanvas,woodsplintering,andassortedscreamsandcurses.
Iwhippedmyheadbackaround,andmyjawdroppedinastonishment.
ThebooththatBunnywasinwasintatters.TheentirestockoftheplacewassailingoffovertheBazaar,aswaswhatwasleftofthetent.Bunnywastryingtocoverherselfwithherhandsandscreamingherheadoff.Theproprietor,aparticularlygreasy-lookingDeveel,wasalsoscreaminghisheadoff,buthisemotionswerebeingventedinourgeneraldirectioninsteadofattheworldingeneral.
Iwouldsayitwasamajordilemmaexceptforonething.ThedisplaysoneithersideofBunny’stentandfortworowsbehinditwereinasimilarstate.Thatisamajordilemma,makingthedestructionofasingleboothpaleincomparison.
Avoicesprangintomyhead,drowningouttheclamoroftheenragedmerchants.“Ifyoubreakit,youboughtit!”thevoicesaid,anditspokewithaDevanaccent.
“Whathappened?”Igasped,thoughwhethertomyselfortothegods,Iwasn’tsure.
Masshaanswered.
“WhathappenedwasMarkie!”shesaidgrimly.“Sheblewhercorkandsummonedupanairelemental...youknow,likeyoulearntodoatElementalSchool?Itappearsthatwhenthekidthrowsatantrum,she’sgoingtodoitwithmagic!”
Mymindgraspedthemeaningofherwordsinstantly,justasfastasitleapedontothenextplateau.Aahz!Iwasn’tsurewhichwasgoingtobeworse:breakingthenewstoAahz,ortellinghimhowmuchithadcostustolearnaboutit!
ChapterSeven:“There’satimetofight,andatimetohideout!”
-B.CASSIDY
I’VEheardthatwhensomepeoplegetdepressed,theyretiretotheirneighborhoodbarandtelltheirtroublestoasympatheticbartender.TheproblemwiththeBazaaratDeva(aproblemIhadnevernoticedbefore)isthattherearenosympatheticbartenders!
Consequently,IhadtosettleforthenextbestthingandholedupintheYellowCrescentInn.
Now,afast-foodjointmayseemtoyoutobeapoorsubstituteforabar.Itis.Thisparticularfast-foodjoint,however,isownedandmanagedbymyonlyfriendattheBazaarwhoisn’tlivingwithme.Thislastpartwasespeciallyimportantatthemoment,sinceIdidn’tthinkIwasapttogetmuchsympathyinmyownhome.
Gusisagargoyle,butdespitehisfierceappearancehe’soneofthefriendliestbeingsI’veevermet.He’shelpedAahzandmeoutonsomeofourmoredubiousassignments,sohe’slessinclinedtoask“Howdidyougetyourselfintothis?”thanmost.Usually,he’smoreinterestedin“Howdidyougetoutofit?”
“Howdidyougetyourselfintothisone?”hesaid,shakinghishead.
Well,nobody’sperfect...especiallyfriends.
“Itoldyou,Gus.OnelousycardgamewhereIexpectedtolose.IfIhadknownitwasgoingtobackfirelikethis,sohelpmeIwouldhavefoldedeveryhand!”
“Yousee,there’syourproblem,”thegargoylesaid,flashingagrintoothierthannormal.“Insteadofsittinginandlosing,you’dbebetteroffnotsittinginatall!”
Irewardedhissoundadvicebyrollingmyeyes.
“It’sallhypotheticalanyway.What’sdoneisdone.Thequestionis,‘WhatdoIdonow’?”
“Notsofast.Let’sstickwiththecardgameforaminute.Whydidyousitinifyouwereexpectingtolose?”
“Look.Canwedropthecardgame?Iwaswrong.Okay?Isthatwhatyouwanttohear?”
“No-o-o,”Gussaidslowly.“Istillwanttohearwhyyouwentinthefirstplace.Humorme.”
Istaredathimforamoment,butheseemedperfectlyserious.
Ishrugged.“TheGeeksentmeaninvitation.Frankly,itwasquiteflatteringtogetone.Ijustthoughtitwouldbesociableto...”
“Stop!”thegargoyleinterrupted,raisinghishand.“There’syourproblem.”
“Whatis?”
“Tryingtobesociable.What’sthematter?Aren’tyourcurrentroundoffriendsgoodenoughforyou?”
Thatmademealittlebitnervous.IwashavingenoughproblemswithouthavingGusgethisnoseoutofjoint.
“Itisn’tthat,Gus.Really.Thewholecrew-yourselfincluded-isclosertomethanmyfamilyeverwas.It’sjust...Idon’tknow...”
“...youwanttobeliked.Right?”
“Yeah.Iguessthat’sit.”
“Andthat’syourproblem!”
Thatonethrewme.“Idon’tgetit,”Iadmitted.
Thegargoylesighed,thenduckedbehindthecounter.“Haveanothermilkshake,”hesaid,shovingonetowardme.“Thismighttakeawhile,butI’lltrytoexplain.”
Iliketothinkit’sasignofmygrowingsavoir-fairethatInowenjoystrawberrymilkshakes.WhenIfirstvisitedtheBazaar,Irejectedthemoutofhandbecausetheylookedlikepinkswampmuck.Iwasnowmoderatelyaddictedtothem,thoughIstillwouldn’teatthefoodhere.Thenagain,maybeitwasasignofsomethingelsecompletelyifIthoughtatasteforstrawberrymilkshakeswasasignofsavoir-faire!
“Look,Skeeve,”Gusbegan,sippingatamilkshakeofhisown,“you’reaniceguy...oneofthenicestI’veeverknown.Yougooutofyourwayto‘dotherightthing’...tobenicetopeople.Thekeyphrasethereis‘gooutofyourway.’You’reina‘trouble-heavy’professionanyway.Nobodyhiresamagicianbecausethingsaregoingwell.Thenyouaddtothatyourchosenlifestyle.Becauseyouwanttobeliked,youplaceyourselfinsituationsyouwouldn’tgonearifitwasforyourownpersonalsatisfaction.Caseinpoint:thecardgame.Ifyouhadbeenoutforpersonalgain,i.e.,wealth,youwouldn’thavegonenearit,sinceyoudon’tknowthegame.Butyouwantedtobefriendly,soyouwentexpectingtolose.That’snotnormal,anditresultedinanot-normaloutcome,towit,Markie.That’swhyyougetintotrouble.”
IchewedmylipslightlyasIthoughtoverwhathewassaying.
“SoifIwanttostayoutoftrouble,I’vegottostopbeinganiceguy?I’mnotsureIcandothat,Gus.”
“NeitheramI,”thegargoyleagreedcheerfully.
“What’smore,ifyoucould,Idon’tthinkIoranyofyourotherfriendswouldlikeyouanymore.Idon’teventhinkyou’dlikeyourself.”
“ThenwhyareyourecommendingthatIchange?”
“I’mnot!I’mjustpointingoutthatit’sthewayyouare,notanyoutsidecircumstances,thatkeepsgettingyouintotrouble.Inshort,sinceyouaren’tgoingtochange,getusedtobeingintrouble.It’sgoingtobeyourconstantstateforalongwhile.”
Ifoundmyselfmassagingmyforeheadagain.
“Thanks,Gus,”Isaid.“IknewIcouldcountonyoutocheermeup.”
“Don’tknockit.Nowyoucanfocusonsolvingyourcurrentprobleminsteadofwastingtimewonderingwhyitexists.”
“Funny.IthoughtIwasdoingjustthat.Someoneelsewantedtotalkaboutwhatwascausingmyproblems.”
Mysarcasmdidn’tfazethegargoyleintheleast.
“Right,”henodded.“Thatbringsustoyourcurrentproblem.”
“Nowyou’retalking.WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddo,Gus?”
“Beatsme.I’dsayyou’vegotarealdilemmaonyourhands.”
Iclosedmyeyesasmyheadachehammeredanew.“Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou,Gus.”
“Hey.Don’tmentionit.Whatarefriendsfor?Whoops!HerecomesTananda!”
TheotherdisadvantagetoholingupattheYellowCrescentInn,besidesthefactthatitisn’tabar,isthatit’slocatedrightacrossthestreetfrommyhome.Thisisnotgoodforsomeonewho’stryingtoavoidhishousemates.
Fortunately,thiswasonesituationIcouldhandlewithrelativeease.
“Don’ttellherI’mhere,Gus,”Iinstructed.
“But...”
Notwaitingtoheartherestofhisprotest,Igrabbedmymilkshake,slippedintoachairatanearbytable,andsettoworkwithafastdisguisespell.BythetimeTananda,hitthedoor,theonlyoneshecouldseeintheplacebesidesGuswasapotbelliedDeveelsippingonastrawberrymilkshake.
“Hi,Gus!”shesang.“HaveyouseenSkeevearound?”
“He...aahh...wasinearlier.”Thegargoylecarefullyavoidedthelie.
“Oh,well.IguessI’lljusthavetoleavewithoutsayinggoodbyetohim.then.Toobad.Weweren’tonparticularlygoodtermsthelasttimeIsawhim.”
“You’releaving?”
Gussaiditbeforethewordsburstoutofmyownmouth,savingmefromblowingmydisguise.
“Yea.Ifigureit’sabouttimeImovedon.”
“I...umm...havebeenhearingsomestrangethingsaboutmyneighbors,butI’veneverbeensurehowmuchtobelieve,”thegargoylesaidthoughtfully.“Thissuddendeparturewouldn’thaveanythingtodowiththenewmollthat’sbeenfoistedoffonSkeeve,wouldit?”
“Bunny?Naw.I’lladmitIwasabitoutofsortswhenIfirstheardaboutit,butChumleyexplainedthewholethingtome.”
“Thenwhat’stheproblem?”
Guswasdoingaterrificjobofbeatingmetomylines.Aslongashekeptitup,I’dbeabletogetallmyquestionsansweredwithoutrevealingmyself.IthadoccurredtometoconfrontTanandadirectlyassoonasIheardwhatshewasupto,butthenIrealizedthatthiswasararechancetohearherthoughtswhenshedidn’tthinkIwasaround.
“Well,it’ssomethingMarkiesaid...”
Markieagain.IdefinitelyowedAahzanapology.
“...Shemadesomecrackaboutherdaddy,that’sSkeeve,lettingmelivethere,anditgotmetothinking.Thingshavebeennicetheselastcoupleyears...almosttoonice.Sincewehaven’thadtoworryaboutoverhead,ChumleyandIhaven’tbeenworkingmuch.Moreimportant,wehaven’tbeenworkingatworking.It’stooeasytohangaroundtheplaceandwaitforsomethingtocometous.”
“Gettingfatandlazy,huh?”Gusgrinned.
“Somethinglikethat.Now,youknowme,Gus.I’vealwaysbeenfootlooseandfancyfree.Readytofollowajoborawhimatthedropofahat.IfanyonehadsuggestedtomethatIshouldsettledown,Iwouldhavepunchedtheirlightsout.Nowallofasudden,I’vegotapermanentaddressandfamily...familybeyond
Chumley,Imean.Ihadn’trealizedhowdomesticIwasgettinguntilSkeeveshowedupwithMarkie.Akid,even.WhenIfirstsawher,myfirstthoughtwasthatitwouldbenicetohaveakidaroundtheplace!NowIaskyou,Gus,doesthatsoundlikeme?”
“No,itdoesn’t.”
Thegargoyle’svoicewassoquietIscarcelyrecognizeditashis.
“RightthenIsawthehandwritingonthewall.IfIdon’tstartmovingagain,I’mgoingtotakeroot...permanently.Youknow,theworstthingisthatIdon’treallywanttogo.That’sthescariestpartofall.”
“Idon’tthinkAahzorSkeevewantyoutogoeither.”
“Nowdon’tyoustartonme,Gus.Thisishardenoughformeasitis.LikeIsaid,they’refamily,butthey’restiflingme.I’vegottogetaway,evenifit’sonlyforalittlewhile,orI’mgoingtoloseapartofme...forever.”
“Well,ifyou’vemadeupyourmind...goodluck.”
“Thanks,Gus.I’llbeintouchfromtimetotime.Keepaneyeontheboysincasetheybuymoretroublethantheycansell.”
“Idon’tthinkyouhavetoworryaboutChumley.He’sprettylevelheaded.”
“Chumley’snottheoneI’mworriedabout.”
Ithoughtthatwasgoingtobeherpartingshot,butshepausedwithonehandonthedoor.
“Youknow,it’sprobablyjustaswellthatIcouldn’tfindSkeeve.I’mnotsureIcouldhavestucktomygunsinaface-to-face...butthenagain,maybethat’swhyIwaslookingforhim.”
IcouldfeelGus’seyesonmeassheslippedout.“Isupposeit’spointlesstoaskwhyyoudidn’tsaysomething.MisterSkeeve.”
EventhoughIhadworriedearlieraboutgettingGusangrywithme,somehowitdidn’tmatteranymore.
“Atfirstitwascuriosity,”Isaid,lettingmydisguiseslipaway.“Then,Ididn’twanttoembarrassher.”
“Andattheendthere?Whensheflat-outsaidthatyoucouldtalkheroutofgoing?Whydidn’tyouspeakupthen?Doyouwanthertodisappear?”
Icouldn’tevenmanageasparkofanger.“Youknowbetterthanthat,Gus,”Isaidquietly.“You’rehurtingandlashingoutatwhoever’shandy,whichhappenstobeme.Ididn’ttrytogethertostayforthesamereasonyoudidn’ttryharder.Shefeelswe’restiflingher,andifshewantsout,it’dbeprettysmallofustotrytokeepherforourownsakes,wouldn’tit?”
Therewasprolongedsilence,whichwasfinebyme.Ididn’tfeelmuchliketalkinganymore.Rising,Istartedforthedoor.
“Youwerelookingtheotherwaywhensheleft,”thegargoylesaid.“Youmightliketoknowthereweretearsinhereyes.”
“Minetoo,”Irepliedwithoutturning.“That’swhyIwaslookingtheotherway.”
ChapterEight:“WhatdidIdowrong?”
-LEAK,REX
WITHaheavyheart,Iheadedbackhome.IwasnolongerworriedaboutAahzyellingatme.Ifanything,Iwasratherhopinghewould.Ifhedid,IdecidedthatforachangeIwouldn’targueback.Inshort,Ifeltterribleandwasinthemoodtodoalittlepenance.
Slidingthroughthetentflap,IcockedanearandlistenedforAahz.Actually,IwasalittlesurprisedthatIcouldn’thearhimfromthestreet,butIwassureIwouldbeabletolocatehispositioninthehousewithnodifficulty.AsI’vesaidbefore,mypartnerhasnoproblemexpressinghismoods,particularlyanger.
Thehousewassilent.
Fromthelackofreverberationsand/orfallingplaster,IassumedthatAahzwasout...probablylookingformewithbloodinhiseye.Idebatedgoingouttolookforhim,butdecidedthatitwouldbebettertowaitrighthere.He’dbebackeventually,soIheadedforthegardentomakemyselfcomfortableuntilheshowedup.
WhatIcallthegardenisactuallyourcourtyard.Ithasafountainandanabundanceofplants,soItendtothinkofitasapieceoftheoutdoorsratherthanasanenclosedarea.Ihadbeenspendingmoreandmoretimetherelately,especiallywhenIwantedtimetothink.ItremindedmeofsomeofthequieterspotsIwouldfindfromtimetotimebackwhenIwaslivingonmyowninthewoods...backbeforeImetGarkin,and,throughhim,Aahz.
Thatmemoryledmetoponderacuriouspoint:Werethereothersuccessfulbeings,likemyself,whousedtheirnewprosperitytorecreatethesettingoratmosphereoftheirpre-successdays?Ifso,itmadeforacuriouscycle.
IwassopreoccupiedwiththisthoughtasIenteredthegardenthatIalmostmissedthefactthatIwasn’talone.Someoneelsewasusingmyretreat...specifically,Aahz.
Hewassittingononeofthestonebenches,chininhishandsandelbowsonhisknees,staringblanklyintothewaterasitflowedthroughthefountain.Tosaytheleast,Iwassurprised.Aahzhasneverbeenthemeditativetype,particularlyintimesofcrisis.He’smorethe“beatonsomeoneorsomethinguntiltheproblemgoesaway”type.Still,herehewas,notagitated,notpacing,justsittingandstaring.Itwasenoughoutofcharacterforhimtoun-nervemecompletely.
“Umm...Hi,Aahz,”Isaidhesitantly.
“Hello,Skeeve,”herepliedwithoutlookingaround.
Iwaitedforafewmomentsforhimtosaysomethingelse.Hedidn’t.FinallyIsatdownonthebenchnexttohimandstaredatthewatermyselfabit.
Wesatthatwayforawhile,neitherofussayinganything.Thetricklingwaterbegantohaveatranquilizing,hypnoticeffectonme,andIfoundmymindstartingtorelaxanddrift.
“It’sbeenquiteaday,hasn’tit,partner?”
MymindreflexivelyrecoiledintoafulldefensiveposturebeforeitdawnedonmethatAahzwasstillspeakingquietly.
“Y...Yes.”
Iwaited,butheseemedoffinhisownthoughtsagain.
Mynervesshot,Idecidedtotaketheinitiative.
“Look,Aahz.AboutMarkie...”
“Yes?”
“IknewabouttheElementalSchoolthing.ShetoldmeonthewaybackfromtheGeek’s.Ijustdidn’tknowenoughtorealizeitwasimportant.”
“Iknow,”Aahzsighed,notlookingatme.“Ihadn’tbotheredtoteachyouaboutelementalmagic...justlikeIhadn’ttaughtyouaboutdragonpoker.”
Noexplosion!Iwasstartingtogetalittleworriedaboutmypartner.
“Aren’tyouupset?”
“OfcourseI’mupset,”hesaid,favoringmewithafleetingglimpseofbaredteeth,abarelyrecognizablesmile.“DoyouthinkI’malwaysthisjovial?”
“Imean,aren’tyoumad?”
“Oh,I’mpast‘mad.’I’mallthewayto‘thoughtful.’“
IarrivedatthestartlingconclusionthatIlikeditbetterwhenAahzwasshoutingandunreasonable.ThatIknewhowtodealwith.Thislatestmoodofhiswasatotalunknown.
“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”
“Parenthood.”
“Parenthood?”
“Yeah.Youknow,thatstateoftotalresponsibilityforanotherbeing?Well,atleast,that’sthetheory.”
Iwasn’tsureIwasfollowingthisatall.
“Aahz?AreyoutryingtosayyoufeelresponsibleforwhathappenedwithMarkiebecauseyouhadn’ttaughtmemoreaboutmagicandpoker?”
“Yes.No.Idon’tknow.”
“Butthat’ssilly!”
“Iknow,”hereplied,withhisfirsthonestgrinsinceIhadenteredthegarden.“That’swhatgotmethinkingaboutparenthood.”
Iabandonedanyhopeoffollowinghislogic.
“You’llhavetoexplainittome,Aahz.I’malittleslowtoday.”
Hestraightenedupabit,drapingonearmaroundmyshoulders.
“I’lltry,butitisn’teasy,”hesaidinatonethatwasalmostconversational.“Yousee,regardlessofwhatIsaidwhenIwasrantingatyouabouthowmuchofaproblemMarkiewasgoingtobe,it’sbeenalongtimesinceIwasaparent.I’vebeensittinghere,tryingtorememberwhatitwaslike.What’ssosurprisingtomeistherealizationthatI’veneverreallystopped.Nobodydoes.”
Istartedtoshiftuncomfortably.
“Hearmeout.ForonceI’mtryingtosharesomeofmyhard-wonlessonswithyouwithoutshouting.Forgetthetheoriesofparenthood!Whatit’sreallyallaboutistakingprideinthingsyoucanneverbesureyouhadahandin,andacceptingtheresponsibilityandguiltforthingsyoueitherdidn’tknoworhadnocontrolover.Actually,it’salotmorecomplicatedthanthat,butthat’sthebarebonesofthematter.”
“Youdon’tmakeitsoundparticularlyattractive,”Iobserved.
“Inalotofways,itisn’t.Yourkidexpectsyoutoknoweverything...tobeabletoansweranyquestionheasksand,moreimportant,toprovidealogicalexplanationofwhatisessentiallyanillogicalworld.Society,ontheotherhand,expectsyoutotrainyourkidineverythingnecessaryforthemtobecomeasuccessful,responsiblememberofthecommunity...evenifyouaren’tyourself.Theproblemisthatyouaren’ttheonlysourceofinputforthekid.Friends,schools,andotheradultsareallsupplyingotheropinions,manyofwhichyoudon’tagreewith.Thatmeansthatifyourkidsucceeds,youdon’treallyknowifitwasbecauseoforinspiteofyourinfluence.Ontheotherhand,ifthekidgoesbad,youalwayswonderiftherewassomethingelseyoucouldhavesaidordoneordonedifferentlythatcouldhavesalvagedthingsbeforetheyhitthewall.”
Hishandtightenedslightlyonmyshoulder,butIdon’tthinkhediditconsciously.
“Now,Iwasn’taparticularlygoodparent...whichIliketothinkplacesmeinthemajority.Ididn’tinteractmuchwithmykids.Businesswasalwaysagoodexcuse,butthetruthwasthatIwasgladtoletsomeoneelsehandletheir
upbringingasmuchaspossible.IcanseenowthatitwasbecauseIwasafraidthatifItriedtodoitmyself,thatinmyignoranceanduncertaintyIwouldmakesometerriblemistake.Theendresultwasthatsomeofthekidsturnedoutokay,someofthem...let’ssaylessthanokay.WhatIwasleftwithwasanaggingfeelingthatIcouldhavedonebetter.ThatIcouldhave-shouldhave-mademoreofadifference.”
Hereleasedhisholdonmyshouldersandstoodup.
“Whichbringsustoyou.”
Iwasn’tsureifIshouldfeeluncomfortablebecausehewasfocusingonme,orgladbecausehewaspacingagain.
“I’veneverconsciouslythoughtofyouasason,butinhindsightIrealizethatalotofhowI’vetreatedyouhasbeendrivenbymylingeringguiltfromparenthood.Inyou,Ihadanotherchancetomoldsomeone...togivealltheadviceIfeltIshouldhavegivenmyownkids.IfattimesI’veseemedtooverreactwhenthingsdidn’tgowell,it’sbecausedeepinsideIsawitasapersonalfailure.Imean,thiswasmysecondchance.AtimetoshowhowmuchIhadlearnedfrommyearlierperceivedfailures,andyouknowwhat?NowI’mgivingitmyfullattentionandmybestshot,andthingsarestillgoingwrong!”
Thiswasdoingnothingtobrightenmymood.Ontopofeverythingelse,nowIhadthedistinctfeelingIhadsomehowletAahzdown.
“Idon’tthinkyoucansayit’syourfault,Aahz.Imean,you’vetriedhardandbeenmorepatientwithmethananyoneI’veeverknown.Nobodycanteachsomeoneelseeverything,eveniftheycouldrememberwhatshouldbetaught.I’vegotacertainsaturationpoint.Afterthat,I’mnotgoingtolearnanythingnewuntilI’vedigestedwhatI’vegot.Eventhen,I’vegottobehonestandsaytherearesomethingsIdon’tbelievenomatterhowoftenyoutellme.I’vejustgottofindoutformyself.Acraftsmancan’tblamehisskillifhehasdefectivematerial.”
“That’sjustwhatI’vebeenthinking,”Aahznodded.“Ican’tkeepblamingmyselfforeverything.It’sveryastuteofyoutohavefiguredthisoutatyourage...withoutgoingthroughwhatIhave.”
“It’snobigthingtofigureoutthatI’madummy,”Isaidbitterly.“I’veknownit
allalong.”
Suddenly,Ifeltmyselfbeingliftedintotheair.IlookedpastAahz’shand,whichwasgrippingmyshirtbythecollar,downthelengthofhisarm,andintohisyelloweyes.
“Wronglesson!”hesnarled,soundingmuchlikehisoldself.“Whatyou’resupposedtobelearningisn’tthatyou’redumb.You’renot,andifyouwerelistening,Ijustcomplimentedyouonthatfact.”
“Thenwhat...”Imanaged,withwhatlittleairIhadleft.
“Thepointisthatwhat’shappenedinthepastisn’tmyfault,justlikewhat’shappeningnowisn’tyourfault!”
“Aaggh...urk...”wasmyswiftrebuttal.
“Oh!Sorry.”
Myfeethitthefloorandairfloodedbackintomylungs.
“Allaparent,anyparent,candoisgiveittheirbestshot,rightorwrong.”Aahzcontinuedasiftherehadbeennointerruption.“Theactualoutcomerestsonsomanyvariables,nosinglepersoncanassumeresponsibility,blame,orpraiseforwhateverhappens.That’simportantformetorememberinmydealingswithyou...andforyoutorememberinyourdealingswithMarkie.It’snotyourfault!”
“Itisn’t?”
“That’sright.Webothhavestrongpaternalstreaksinus,thoughIdon’tknowwhereyougotyoursfrom,butallwecandoisourbest.We’vegottoremembernottotrytoshouldertheblameforwhatotherpeopledo..likeTananda.”
Thatsoberedmeupagain.“Youknowaboutthat,huh?”
“Yeah.Shetoldmetotellyougoodbyeifshedidn’tseeyou,butIguessyoualreadyknow.”
Isimplynodded,unabletospeak.
“IwasalreadyworriedabouthowyouweregoingtoreacttotheproblemswithMarkie,andwhenTanandaleftIknewyouweregoingtotakeithard.I’vebeentryingtofindawaytoshowyouthatyouaren’talone.Rightorwrong,whatyou’refeelinghasbeenaroundforalongtime.”
“Thanks,Aahz.”
“Hasithelpedatall?”
Ithoughtforamoment.“Abit.”
Mypartnerheavedanothersigh.
“Well,”hesaid,“Itried.Thatwhat’simportant...Ithink.”
“Cheerio,chaps.How’severylittlething?”
IglanceduptofindChumleystridingtowardus,beamingmerrily.“Oh.Hi,Chumley.”
“Ithoughtyou’dliketoknow,”thetrollannounced,“IthinkI’vefiguredoutawaytochargethedamageMarkiecausedthisafternoonbacktotheMobasabusinessexpense!”
“That’sswell,Chumley,”Aahzsaiddully.
“Yeah.Terrific.”
“’Allo,‘allo?”hesaid,cockinghisheadatus.“AnytimethetwobiggesthustlersattheBazaarfailtogetexcitedovermoney,there’sgottobesomethingwrong.Outwithitnow.What’stroublingyou?”
“Doyouwanttotellhim,Aahz?”
“Well...”
“Isay,thiswouldn’tbeaboutlittlesisterleavingthenest,wouldit?Oh,there’sagiggle.”
“Youknow?“Iblinked.
“Icanseeyou’reallbrokenupoverit,”Aahzsaidinadangeroustone.
“Tishtosh!”thetrollexclaimed.“Idon’tseewhereit’sanythingtogetupsetabout.Tananda’sjustsettlingthingsinhermind,isall.She’sfoundthatshelikessomethingthatgoesagainstherself-image.Itmighttakeafewdays,buteventuallyshe’llfigureoutthatit’snottheendoftheworld.Everybodygoesthroughit.It’scalled‘growingup.’Ifanything,Ithinkit’sbloodymarvelousthatshe’sfinallyhavingtolearnthatthingsdon’tstaythesameforever.”
“Youdo?”Iwassuddenlystartingtofeelbetter.
“Certainly.Why,injustthetimewe’vebeenchummingaroundtogether,Aahzhaschanged,you’vechanged,sohaveI,thoughIdon’ttendtoshowitasdramaticallyasyoutwoorlittlesister.Youblokeshavejustgotabadcaseoftheguilts.Poppycock!Youcan’ttaketheblameforeverything,youknow.”
“That’sgoodadvice,”Isaid,standingupandstretching.“Whycan’tyouevergivemegoodadvicelikethat,partner?”
“Causeanyfoolcanseeitwithoutbeingtold,”Aahzsnarled,buttherewasatwinkleinhiseye.“TheproblemisthatPervectsaren’tjustanyfool.”
“Quiteright,”Chumleygrinned.“NowhowaboutjoiningmeinalittleHappyHourspotofwinewhileItellyouhowcleverIamatsavingyoumoney.”
“I’dratheryouimpresseduswithasolutiontoourbaby-sittingproblems.”mypartnersaidgrimly,headingforthelounge.
Ifollowedintheirwake,strangelyhappy.Thingswerebacktonormal...orasnormalastheyevergetaroundhere.Betweenus,Iwassurewecouldfindapositivecourseofaction.Imean,afterall,howmuchtroublecouldonelittlegirl...
Thatthoughtcrumbledinfrontofanimageofelemental-blowntents.Iresolvedtodomorelisteningthantalkingintheupcomingwarcouncil.
ChapterNine:“Theyneverletyouliveitdown.Onelittlemistake!”
-NERO
RELAXINGoverdrinkswithAahzandChumley,Ifeltthetensionsanddepressionsofthedayslippingaway.Itwasnicetoknowthatwhenthingsreallygottough,Ihadfriendstohelpmesolvemyproblems,howevercomplexorapparentlyhopeless.
“Well,guys,”Isaid,pouringanotherroundofwineforeveryone.“Anyideasastowhatweshoulddo?”
“Beatsme.”Chumleysaid,toyingwithhisgoblet.
“Istillthinkit’syourproblem,”Aahzannounced,leaningbackinhischairandgrinningevilly.“Imean,afterall,yougotintoitwithoutourhelp.”
LikeIsaid,it’sgreattohavefriends.
“Ican’tsayIgoalongwiththat,Aahzoldboy,”thetrollsaidwithawave.“AlthoughI’lladmitit’stempting.Theunfortunaterealityisthataslongaswe’relivingandworkingascloselyasweare,hisproblemsareoutproblems,don’tyouknow?”
AsmuchasIappreciatedthefactthatChumley’slogicwasmovingthemclosertolendingmeassistance,Ifelttheneedtodefendmyselfalittle.
“I’dliketothinkit’satwo-waystreet,Aahz.I’vegottendraggedintoafewofyourproblemsaswell.”
Hestartedtosnapback,thenpursedhislipsandreturnedhisattentiontohiswine.“I’llavoidcomparinglistsofhowoftenwhichofushasgottenusinhowmuchtroubleandsimplyconcedethepoint.Iguessthat’spartofwhatapartnershipisallabout.SorryifIseemalittlesnorkyfromtimetotime,butI’ve
neverhadapartnerbefore.Ittakesgettingusedto.”
“Isay!Wellsaid,Aahz!”Chumleyapplauded.“Youknow,you’regettingmorecivilizedeveryday.”
“Let’snotgettoocarriedawayjustyet.Howaboutyou,Chumley?Youandyoursisterhavehelpedusoutoftenenough,butIdon’trecalleitherofyoubringingyourproblemshomewithyou.Isn’tthatalittlelopsided?”
“I’vealwaysfiguredit’sourwayofkickinginontherent,”thetrollsaidcasually.“Ifourproblemseverstartinterferingwithyourwork,thenI’llfigurewe’veoverstayedourwelcome.”
Thiscameasatotalsurprisetome.Irealizedwithastart,thatIwasusuallysobusywithmyownlifeandproblemsthatInevergotaroundtoaskingmuchabouttheworkChumleyandTanandaweredoing.
“Whoaupaminutehere,”Isaid.“AreyoutwohavingproblemsIdon’tknowabout?”
“Well,itisn’tallbeerandskittles,”thetrollgrimacedbriefly.“Thesubjectathand,however,isyourproblems.There’snothingonmyplatethathasahigherpriorityjustnow,solet’sgettoworkonthelatestcrisis,shallwe?Isuggestweallputonourthinkingcapsandbrainstormalittle.Let’sjuststareattheceilingandeachtossoutideasastheyoccurtous.”
ImademyselfalittlepromisetoreturntothesubjectofTanandaandChumley’sproblemsatalaterdate,thenjoinedtheothersinstaringthoughtfullyattheceiling.Timecrawledalong,andnoonesaidanything.
“Well,somuchforbrainstorming,”Aahzsaid,reachingforthewineagain.“I’lladmitI’mcomingupblank.”
“Perhapsitwouldhelpifwestartedbydefiningtheproblem,”Chumleyurged.“Now,asIseeit,wehavetwoproblems:MarkieandBunny.We’regoingtohavetroublefiguringoutwhattodoaboutBunnyuntilwefindoutwhatDonBrucehasuphissleeve,andwe’vegottocomeupwithawaytokeepMarkiefromtotallydisruptingourlivesuntilherfathercomestopickherup.”
“Ifhepicksherup,”mypartnercorrectedhelpfully.
“I’lladmit,Istilldon’tknowhowyoudidsowellinthatgametoendupwithMarkieinthefirstplace,”thetrollsaid,cockingoneoutsizedeyeatmeandignoringAahz.
“Dumbluck...withtheemphasisondumb.”
“That’snotthewayIheardit,”Chumleysmirked.
“Whateveryourmethodwas,itwassuccessfulenoughtomakeyouthetalkoftheBazaar.”
“What!?”Aahzsaid,sittingupinhischairagain.
“Youwouldhearityourselfifyouweren’tspendingallyourtimesulkinginyourroom,”thetrollwinked.
“WhenIwentoutafterlittlesistertoday,itseemedthatallIwashearingaboutwasthenewdragonpokerchampionofDeva.Everybody’stalkingaboutthegame,orwhatthey’veheardaboutthegame.Isuspectthey’reembellishinguponthefacts,fromsomeofthedescriptionofthehands,buttherearethosewhoaretakingitallasgospel.”
Irememberedthenthatwhenthegamebrokeup,theotherplayershadbeenveryenthusiasticaboutmyplaying.Atthetime,IhadbeenworriedaboutthesecretofmynightoutreachingAahz(which,you’llrecall,itdidbeforeIgothome).ThetroubleswithMarkieandBunnyhadoccupiedmymindandtimeeversince,soIhadn’tstoppedtothinkofotherpotentialrepercussionsofthegamegossip.Now,however...
Aahzwasoutofhisseat,pacingbackandforth.
“Chumley,ifwhatyou’resayingistrue...areyoufollowingthis,partner?”
“Toobloodywell,”Igrowled.
Thatgotmypartnertopausemomentarilytorollhiseyes.
“Watchyourself,”hewarned.“You’restartingtotalklikeChumleynow.”
“YouwantIshouldtalklikeGuidoinstead,knowwhatImean?”
“Idon’tunderstand,”thetrollinterrupted.“Issomethingamiss?”
“Wedon’thavetwoproblems,”Aahzannounced.
“We’vegotthree!Markie,Bunny,andtherumormill!”
“Gossip?Howcanthatbeaproblem?”
“Thinkitthrough,Chumley,”Isaid.“AllIneedrightnowistohaveabunchofhotshotdragonpokerplayershuntingmeuptoseeifI’masgoodaseverybodysays.”
“That’sonlypartofit,partner,”Aahzadded.“Thiscouldhurtourbusinessandpublicimagesaswell.”
Iclosedmyeyesandsighed.
“Spellitoutforme,Aahz.I’mstilllearning,remember?”
“Well,wealreadyknowyourreputationatmagichasbeengrowingfast...almosttoofast.Thecompetitionhatesyoubecauseyou’retakingalltheprimeassignments.Nobigdeal!Professionaljealousyisthepriceofsuccessinanyfield.Therecomesatime,however,whenyoucangettoobigtoofast.Thenitisn’tjustyourrivalsyouworryabout.Everybodywantsyoutakendownapegortwoiffornootherreasonthantoconvincethemselvesthatyoursuccessisabnormal...thattheydon’thavetofeelbadfornotmeasuringup.”
Hepausedtostareatmehard.
“I’mafraidthisdragonpokerthingjustmightpushyouintothesecondcategory.AlotofbeingsexcelhereattheBazaar,butthey’reonlynotedinonefield.TheGeek,forexample,isarecognizedfigureamongthegamblers,buthedoesn’thaveanyreputationtospeakofasamagicianormerchant.Peoplecanacceptthat...workhardandyourisetowardthetopofyourgroup.You,ontheotherhand,havejustmadeastrongshowinginasecondprofession.I’mafraidthere’sgoingtobesomebacklash.”
“Backlash?”Iechoedweakly.
“It’slikeI’vebeentryingtotellyou:peoplearen’tgoingtowantyoutogettoo
muchabovethem.Attheveryleasttheymightstartboycottingourbusiness.Atmost...well,therearewaysofsabotagingotherpeople’ssuccess.”
“Youmeanthey’regoingto...”
“That’senough!”Chumleydeclared,slappinghispalmdownonthetableloudly.
ItsuddenlyoccurredtomethatIhadneverseenChumleymad.ItalsooccurredtomethatIwasgladourfurniturewasstrongenoughtowithstandevenAahz’stirades.Ifnot,thetrollwouldhavedestroyedthetablejuststoppingtheconversation.
“Nowlistenup,bothofyou!”heordered,levelingagnarledfingeratus.“Ithinkthecurrentcrisishasgonetoyourheads.Youtwoareoverreacting...snappingatshadows!I’lladmitwe’vegotsomeproblems,butwe’vehandledworse.Thisisnotimetogetpanicky.”
“But...”
“Hearmeout,Aahz.I’velistenedtoyoubellowoftenenough.”
Iopenedmymouthtomakeawittycomment,then,foronce,thoughtbetterofit.
“Markieisapotentialdisaster,butthekeywordthereispotential.She’sagoodkidwhowilldowhatwesay...ifwelearntowatchwhatwesaytoher.ThesamegoesforBunny.She’ssmartasawhipand...”
“Bunny?”Iblurted,forgettingmyselfforamoment.
“Yes,Bunny.It’sbeenalongtimesincethere’sbeenanyonearoundhereIcoulddiscussliteratureandtheaterwith.She’sreallyquiteintelligentifyoubothertotalktoher.”
“WearetalkingaboutthesameBunny,aren’twe?”Aahzmurmured.“Theonewhocomesacrossdumbasastone,”
Chumleyconfirmedgrimly.“JustrememberhowIcomeacrosswhenI’mputtingonmyBigCrunchact...butwe’rewandering.Thesubjectisproblems,andImaintainwithalittlecoachingBunnywon’tbeone.”
Hepausedtoglareatus.
“AstotherumorofSkeeve’sabilitiesatdragonpoker,I’veneverinmylifeheardanyonegetasalarmedasyou,Aahz.Sure,therearenegativesidestoanyrumor,butyouhavetogetprettyextremetodotheprojectionsthathavebeenvoicedjustnow.”
“Hey,Boss!”Guidocalled,stickinghisheadinthedoor.“TheGeek’sheretoseeyou.”
“I’llhandlethis,”Aahzsaid,headingforthereceptionarea.“YoustayhereandlistentowhatChumleyhastosay.He’sprobablyright.Ihavebeenedgylately...forsomeunknownreason.”
“IfIamright,thenyoushouldhearit,too,”thetrollcalledafterhim.
“Talktome,Chumley,”Isaid.“That’sprobablytheclosestyou’lleverheartoanapologyfromAahz,anyway.”
“Quiteright.WherewasI?Oh,yes.EvenifAahz’sappraisalofthereactiontoyoursuccessiscorrect,itshouldn’thavetoomuchimpactonyourwork.Thesmallfrymaygotoothermagicians,butyou’vebeentryingtocutdownonunimportantjobsanyway.Whensomeoneisreallyintrouble,they’regoingtowantthebestavailablemagicianworkingonit...andrightnow,thatmeansyou.”
Ithoughtaboutwhathewassaying,weighingitcarefullyinmymind.
“EvenifAahzisjustalittleright,”Isaid,“I’mnotwildabouthavinganyillfeelinggeneratedaboutmeattheBazaar.AdmirationIdon’tmind,butenvymakesmeuneasy.”
“Nowthatyou’lljusthavetogetusedto,”thetrolllaughed,clappingahandlightlyonmyshoulder.
“Whetheryouknowitornot,that’sbeenbuildingforsometime...longbeforethisdragonpokerthingcameup.You’vegotalotgoingforyou,Skeeve,andaslongasyoudo,therewillbeblokeswhoenvyit.”
“Soyoureallythinkthedragonpokerrumorsareharmless?”
“Quiteright.Really,whatharmcancomefromidlegossip?”
“Youknow,Chumley,youaren’twrongveryoften.Butwhenyoumiss,youreallymiss.”
WelookeduptofindAahzleaninginthedoorway.
“What’swrong,Aahz?Youlooklikesomeonejustservedyouwaterwhenyouwereexpectingwine.”
Mypartnerdidn’tevensmileatmyattemptedhumor.
“Worsethanthat,”hesaid.“ThatwastheGeekdownstairs.”
“Weknow.Whatdidhewant?”
“IwashopinghehadcometopickupMarkieforherfather....”Aahz’svoicetrailedofftonothing.
“Itakeithedidn’t?”Iprompted.
“No,hedidn’t.Infact,thesubjectnevercameup.”
Almostwithoutthinking,mypartner’shandgropedforhisoversizedgobletofwine.
“Hehadaninvitation...no,makethatachallenge.TheSen-SenAnteKidhasheardaboutSkeevehere.Hewantsashowdownmatchofhead-to-headdragonpoker.TheGeekismakingthearrangements.”
ChapterTen:“Aspoonfulofsugarhelpsthemedicinegodown!”
-L.BORGIA
“JUSTlettheenergyflow.”
“That’seasyforyoutosay!”
“DidIstutter?”
“Youknow,HotStuff,maybeitwouldbebetterifI...”
“Quittalkingandconcentrate,Massha.”
“Youstartedit.”
“AndI’mfinishingit.Focusonthecandle!”
Ifsomeofthatsoundsvaguelyfamiliar,itshould.It’stheold‘lightthecandle’game.Theoretically,itbuildsastudent’sconfidence.Inactuality,it’sapaininthebutt.
Apprenticeshatethecandledrill.IdidwhenIwasanapprentice.It’salotmorefunwhenyou’reontheteachingend.
“Comeon,Skeeve.I’mgettingtoooldtolearnthisstuff.”
“Andyou’regettingolderthelongeryoustall,apprentice.Remember,youcametometolearnmagic.Justbecausewe’vegottendistractedfromtimetotimedoesn’tmeanI’veforgottencompletely.Nowlightthecandle.”
SheturnedherattentiontotheexerciseagainwithamutterIchosetoignore.
IhadbeenthinkinghardaboutmyconversationswithAahzandChumley.The
wholequestionofwhattodoaboutthechallengefromtheKidwastouchyenoughthatforonceIdecidedtoseekthecounselofmyadvisorsbeforemakingacommitmentImightlaterregret.
Wiserheadsthanminewereaddressingthedilemmaatthisverymoment.Unfortunately,aforesaidwiserheadswereintotaldisagreementastowhatcourseofactiontofollow.
Aahzwasinfavorofrefusingthematch,whileChumleyinsistedthatarefusalwouldonlyinflamethesituation.HemaintainedthattheonlysanewayoutwouldbetofacetheKidandlose(nooneseriouslythoughtIwouldhaveachanceinsuchagame),therebygettingmeoffthehotseatonceandforall.Themainproblemwiththatsolutionwasthatitinvolvedvoluntarilygivingupasubstantialamountofmoney...andAahzwouldn’thearofit.
Asthebattleragedon,Ithoughtabouttheearlierportionsofourconversations.Ithoughtaboutparenthoodandresponsibility.ThenIwentlookingforMassha.
Whenwefirstmet,Masshawasholdingdownajobascourtmagicianforoneofthecity-statesinthedimensionofJahk...that’sright.WheretheyholdtheBigGameeveryyear.Theproblemwasthatshedidn’treallyknowanymagic.Shewaswhatisknowninthefieldasamechanic,andallherpowerswerepurchasedacrossthecounterintheformofrings,pendants,andothermagicaldevices.AftershesawusstrutourstuffintheBigGame,shedecidedtotrytolearnsomeofthenon-mechanicalvarietyofmagic...andforsomeunknownreasonpickedorpickedonmetoprovideherwithlessons.
Now,tosaytheleast,IhadneverthoughtofMasshaasadaughter,butshewasmyapprenticeandthereforearesponsibilityIhadaccepted.Unfortunately,IhaddodgedthatresponsibilitymoreoftenthannotfortheveryreasonsAahzhadlisted:Iwasunsureofmyownabilitiesandthereforeafraidofmakingamistake.WhatIhadn’tdonewasgiveitmybestshot,winorlose.ThatrealizationsparkedmeintoanewresolvethatifanythinghappenedtoMasshainthefuture,itwouldn’tbebecauseIhadn’tatleasttriedtoteachherwhatsheasked.
IwasalsoawarethatIwantedtolearnmoreaboutanyproblemsChumleyandTanandawerehaving,aswellasgettingabetterfixonjustwhoorwhatBunnywas.Atthismoment,however,TanandawasabsentandChumleywasarguing
withAahz,puttingthatobjectiveonhold.Bunnywasaroundsomewhere,butgivenachoicebetweenherandMassha,Ioptedforaddressingoldobligationsbeforeplungingintonewones.
Ergo,IroustedoutMasshaforalong-overduemagiclesson.
“It’sjustnotworking,Skeeve.ItoldyouIcan’tdoit.”
Shesankbackinherchairdejectedandscowledatthefloor.Curious,Ireachedoverandfeltthecandlewick.
Itwasn’tevenwarm.
“Notbad,”Ilied.“You’reshowingsomeimprovement.”
“Don’tkidakidder.”Masshagrimaced.“I’mnotgettinganywhere.”
“Couldyoulightitwithoneofyourrings?”
Shespreadherfingersandmadeaquickinventory.
“Sure.Thislittletrinketrightherecoulddothejob,butthat’snotthepoint.”
“Bearwithme.Howdoesitwork?Or,moreimportant,howdoesitfeelwhenitworks?”
Shegaveaquickshrug.
“There’snothingtoit.Yousee,thiscirclearoundthestoneheremoves,andIrotateitaccordingtohowtightabeamIwant.Pressingthebackoftheringactivatesit,soallIhavetodoisaimitandrelax.Theringdoesallthework.”
“That’sit!”Iexclaimed,snappingmyfingers.
“What’sit?”
“Nevermind.Keepgoing.Howdoesitfeel?”
“Well,”shefrownedthoughtfully.“Itsortoftingles.It’slikeIwasahoseandtherewaswaterrushingthroughmeandoutthering.”
“Bingo!”
“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
“Listen,Massha.Listenclosely.”
Iwasspeakingcarefullynow,tryinghardtocontainmyexcitementoverwhatIhopedwasamajorbreakthrough.
“Ourproblemwithteachingyounon-mechanicalmagicisthatyoudon’tbelieveinit!Imean,youknowthatitexistsandall,butyoudon’tbelievethatyoucandoit.You’reworkinghardatovercomingthateverytimeyoutrytocastaspell,andthat’stheproblem:Youtry...Youworkhard.Youknowyou’vegottobelieve,soyouworkhardatovercomingthatdisbeliefeverytimeyou...”
“Yeah.So?”
“Itmeansyoutenseupinsteadofrelaxingthewayyoudowhenyou’reworkingyourrings.Tensingblockstheflowoftheenergies,soyouendupwithlesspoweratyourdisposalthanyouhavewhenyou’rejustwalkingaround.Theideaofcastingaspellisn’ttotenseup,it’storelax...ifanything,it’sanexerciseinforcedrelaxation.”
Myapprenticebitatherlowerlip.“Idon’tknow.Thatsoundstooeasy.”
“Ontheonehandit’seasy.Viewedadifferentway,oneofthehardestthingstodoisrelaxoncue,especiallyifthere’sacrisisragingaroundyouatthetime.”
“SoallIhavetoisrelax?”sheaskedskeptically.
“Rememberthat‘hose’feelingyougetwhenyouusethering?That’stheenergiesbeingchanneledthroughyouandfocusedonyourobjective.Ifyoupinchoffahose,howmuchwatergetsthrough?”
“Iguessthatmakessense.”
“Tryit...now.Reachoutyourhandandfocusonthecandlewickasifyouweregoingtouseyourring,onlydon’tactivateit.Justtellyourselfthattheringisworkingandrelax.”
Shestartedtosaysomething,thenchangedhermind.Instead,shedrewadeepbreath,blewitout,thenpointedafingeratthecandle.
“Justrelax,”Iurgedsoftly.“Lettheenergiesflow.”
“But...”
“Don’ttalk.KeepyourmindonthecandleandhearmelikeI’mtalkingfromalongwayoff.”
Obediently,shefocusedonthecandle.
“Feeltheflowofenergies...justlikewhenyou’reusingthering.Relaxsomemore.Feelhowtheflowincreases?Now,withouttensingup,tightenthatflowdowntoanarrowbeamandaimitatthewick.”
IwasconcentratingonMasshasomuchIalmostmissedit.Asmallglowoflightstartedtoformonthecandlewick.
“That’sit,”Isaid,fightingtokeepmyvoicecalm.“Now...”
“Daddy!Guidosays...”
“Ssshh!!!”Ihissed.“Notnow,Markie!We’retryingtolightthecandle.”
Shepausedinthedoorwayandcockedherheadquizzically.
“Oh,that’seasy!”shebeamedsuddenlyandraisedherhead.
“MARKIE!!DON’T...”
ButIwastoolate.
Therewasasuddenflashoflightintheroom,andthecandlelit.Well,itdidn’texactlylight,itmeltedlikeabagofwaterwhenyoutakeawaythebag.Sodidthecandleholder.Thetablelit,though...briefly.Atleastonecomerofitdid.Itflaredforamoment,thenthefirediedasabruptlyasithadappeared.Whatwasleftwasacharredquarter-circleoftabletopwherethecornerusedtobe.Thatandatablelegstandingalonelikeaburntouttorch.Thefirehadhitsofastandsmooththelegdidn’teventoppleover.
Idon’trememberreachingforMarkie,butsomehowIhadherbytheshouldersshakingher.
“WHATDIDYOUDOTHATFOR??”Isaidinmybestpaternaltones.
“You...yousaid...youwantedthe....candlelit.”
“That’slightingacandle?!?”
“Istillhavealittletroublewithcontrol...butmyteachersaysI’mdoingbetter.”
IrealizedIwashavingalittletroublewithcontrol,too.Istoppedshakingherandtriedtocalmmyself.ThiseffortwasaidedbythefactthatInoticedMarkie’slipwasquiveringandshewasblinkinghereyesrapidly.
Itsuddenlydawnedonmethatshewasabouttocry.Idecidedthat,notknowingwhatwouldhappenwhenshecried,Iwoulddomybesttostayignorantbyheadingheroffatthepass.
“Umm...thatwasaFireElemental,right?DidyoulearnthatatElementalSchool?”
Gettingsomeonetotalkoftenservestostaveofftears...atleast,ithadalwaysworkedonme.
“Y...Yes,”shesaidmeekly.“AtElementalSchool,welearnFireforstarters.”
“It’s...ummm...veryimpressive.Look,I’msorryifIbarkedatyou,Markie,butyousee,Ididn’tjustwantthecandlelit.IwantedMasshatolightit.Itwaspartofhermagiclesson.”
“Ididn’tknowthat.”
“Iknow.Ididn’tthinktotellyou.That’swhyI’mapologizing.Whathappenedherewasmyfault.Okay?”
Shenoddedherhead,exaggeratingthemotionuntilitlookedlikeshehadabrokenneck.Itwasaninterestingillusion,onethatIvastlypreferredtotheideaofhercrying...especiallyinthemoodIwasin.ThethoughtofMarkiewithabrokenneck...
“Aahh...youdidinterruptMassha’slesson,though,”Isaid,forcingtheotherconceptfrommymind.“Don’tyouthinkitwouldbeniceifyouapologizedtoher?”
“That’sagreatidea,Daddy,”shebeamed.“I’lldothatthenexttimeIseeher.Okay?”
That’swhenIrealizedmyapprenticehadslippedoutoftheroom.
“Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing,Massha?”
LeaningcasuallyinthedoorwayofMassha’sbedroom,IrealizedmyvoicelackedtheintimidatingpowerofAahz’s,butit’stheonlyvoiceI’vegot.
“WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mdoing?”shesnarled,carryingamassivearmloadofclothesfromherclosettodumponthebed.
“I’dsay,offhand,thatitlookslikeyou’repacking.Thequestionis,why?”
“Peopleusuallypackbecauseit’stheeasiestwaytocarrytheirthingswhentheytravel.Lesswearandtearonthewardrobe.”
Suddenly,Iwaswearyofthebanter.Heavingasigh,Imovedinfrontofher,blockingherpath.
“Nomoregames,Massha.Okay?Tellmestraightout,whyareyouleaving?Don’tyouoweyourteacherthatmuchatleast?”
Sheturnedaway,busyingherselfwithsomethingonherdresser.“C’mon,Skeeve,”shesaidinatonesolowIcouldbarelyhearit.“Yousawwhathappeneddownstairs.”
“Isawyouonthevergeofmakingamajorbreakthroughinyourlessons,ifthat’swhatyoumean.IfMarkiehadn’tcomein,youwouldhavehadthecandlelitinanotherfewseconds.”
“Bigdeal!”
Shespuntofaceme,andIcouldseethatshewastryingnottocry.Thereseemedtobealotofthatgoingaround.
“Excuseme,Skeeve,butbigfathairydeal.SoIcanlightacandle.Sowhat?!Afteryearsofstudy,Masshacanlightacandle...andalittlegirlcanblowtheendoffthetablewithouteventrying!Whatdoesthatmakeme?Amagician?Haha!Whatajoke.”
“Massha,Ican’tdowhatMarkiediddownstairs...orwhatshedidintheBazaareither,forthatmatter.ItoldyouwhenyoufirstapproachedmetobemyapprenticeexactlyhowlittlemagicIknew.I’mstilllearning,though...andinthemeantimewe’restillholdingourowninthemagicbusiness...andthat’shereattheBazaar.TheMagicCapitalofthedimensions.”
Thatseemedtosettleherabit,butnotmuch.
“Tellmehonestly.HotStuff,”shesaid,pursingherlips.“HowgooddoyouthinkIcouldeverbewithmagic...really?”
“Idon’tknow.I’dliketothinkthatwithworkandpracticeyoucouldbebetterthanyouarenow,though.That’sreallyallanyofuscanhopefor.”
“Youmayberight,Skeeve,andit’sagoodthought.Thefactstillremainsthatinthemeantime,I’llalwaysbesmallpotatoesaroundhere...magically,ofcourse.Thewaythingsaregoing,I’mdestinedtobeahanger-on.Aleech.YouandAahzareniceguys,andyou’dneverthrowmeout,butIcan’tthinkofonegoodreasonwhyIshouldstay.”
“lean.”
MyheadcamearoundsofastIwasinmomentarydangerofwhiplash.Framedinthedoorwaywas...
“TANANDA!”
“Intheflesh,”shesaidwithawink.“Butthat’snotthesubjecthere.Massha,Ican’tspeakforlong-termconditionsbutI’vegotonegoodreasonwhyyoushouldn’tleaveJustnow.It’sthesamereasonI’mnot.
“What’sthat?”
“ItinvolvestheGreatSkeevehere.C’mondownstairs.Imgoingtobriefeverybodyatonceatawarcouncil.We’vegotafull-blowncrisisonourhands“
ChapterEleven:“Ibelievewe’reunderattack.”
-COL.TRAVIS
ONEoftheroomsinourextra-dimensionalpalacehadalargeovaltableinitsurroundedbychairs.Whenwemovedin,wedubbedittheConferenceRoom,sincetheredidn’tseemtobeanyotherpracticaluseforit.Weneveruseditforconferences,mindyou,butit’salwaysnicetohaveaconferenceroom.
Tonight,however,itwaspackedtocapacity.ApparentlyTanandahadroundedupthewholehousehold,includingMarkieandBunny,beforelocatingMasshaandme,andeveryonewasalreadyseatedaswewalkedin.
“Canwegetstartednow?”Aahzaskedcaustically.“Idohaveotherthingstodo,youknow.”
“Really?”Chumleysneered.“Likewhat?”
“LiketalkingtotheGeekaboutthatinvitation,”mypartnershotback.
“Withouttalkingtoyourpartnerfirst?”
“Ididn’tsayIwasgoingtorefuseoraccept.Ijustwanttotalktohimabout...”
“Canwetabletheargumentforthemoment?”Iinterrupted.“IwanttohearwhatTanandahastosay.”
“Thanks,Skeeve,”shesaid,flashingmeaquicksmilebeforedroppingbackintohersolemnmanner.“IguessyouallknowIwasmovingoutofhere.Well,pokingaroundtheBazaar,Iheardarumorthat’schangedmymind.Ifit’strue,we’reallgoingtohaveourhandsfulldealingwithit.”
Shepaused,butnooneelsesaidanything.Forachange,wewereallgivingherourundividedattention.
“IguessIshoulddroptheshoefirst,thenwecanallgoonfromthere.Thetalkonthestreetisthatsomeone’shiredtheAxtodoanumberonSkeeve.”
Therewasafewheartbeatsofsilence;thentheroomexploded.
“Whyshouldanyone...”
“Who’shiredtheAx?”
“Wheredidyouhear...”
“Holdit!HOLDIT!”Tanandashouted,holdingupherhandsforsilence.“Icanonlyansweronequestionatatime...butI’llwarnyouinadvance,Idon’thavethatmanyanswerstostartwith.”
“Who’shiredhim?”Aahzdemanded,seizingfirstposition.
“ThewayIheardit,agroupofmagicianshereattheBazaarisnonetoohappywithSkeeve’ssuccess.Theyfeelhe’stakingallthechoiceassignmentsthesedays...gettingalltheglorywork.Whatthey’vedoneispooltheirmoneysotheycanhiretheAxtodowhatthey’reallafraidtodothemselves...namely,dealwithSkeeve.”
“Doyouhearthat,Chumley?StillthinkI’mbeingmelodramatic?”
“Shutup,Aahz.Where’dyouhearthis,littlesister?”
“RememberVic?ThelittlevampirethatrelocatedherefromLimbo?Well,he’sopenedhisownmagicpracticehereattheBazaar.Itseemsthathewasapproachedtocontributetothefund.He’snewenoughherethathedidn’tknowanyofthembyname,buttheyclaimtohavethesupportofnearlyadozenofthesmalltimemagicians.”
“Whydidn’thewarnusassoonasheheard?”
“He’stryingtostayneutral.Hedidn’tcontribute,buthealsodidn’twanttobetheonetoblowthewhistletoSkeeve.TheonlyreasonhesaidanythingtomewasthathewasafraidthatanyoneclosetoSkeevemightgetcaughtinthecrossfire.Imustadmit,heseemstohavearatherexaggeratedideaofhowmuchSkeeveherecanhandleonhisown.”
“CanIaskaquestion?”Isaidgrimly.“Astheintendedvictim?”
“Sure,Skeeve.Askaway.”
“Who’stheAx?”
Atleasthalftheheadsatthetableswiveledtowardmewhilethefacesattachedtothemdroppedtheirjaws.
“You’rekidding!”
“Don’tyouknowwho...”
“Aahz,didn’tyouteachhimany...”
“Whoa!Holdit!”Ishoutedovertheclamor.“Icanonlytakesomuchofthisinformativebabblingatonetime.Aahz!Asmyfriend,partner,andsometimesmentor,couldyoudeigntotellmeinsimpletermswhotheAxis?”
“Nobodyknows.”
Iclosedmyeyesandgavemyheadasmallshakeinanefforttoclearmyears.Afterallthis‘Gee,whydon’tyouknowthat?’brouhaha,Icouldswearhesaid...
“He’sright,handsome,”Tanandachimedin.“TheAx’srealidentityisoneofthemostcloselyguardedsecretsinallthedimensions.That’swhyhe’ssoeffectiveatwhathedoes.”
“Thatmaybetrue,”Inodded.“Butfromthereactioninthisroomwhenyoudroppedthename,I’dguessthatsomebodyknowssomethingabouthim.Now,letmerephrasethequestion.Ifyoudon’tknowwhotheAxis,couldsomeoneenlightenmeastowhatheis?”
“TheAxisthegreatestCharacterAssassininallthedimensions,”Aahzsaidwithasnarl.“Heworksfreelanceandchargesfeesthatmakeourslooklikepocketchange.OncetheAxisonyourtail,though,youmightaswellkissitgoodbye.He’sruinedmorecareersthanfivestock-marketcrashes.Haven’tyoueverheardtheexpression‘taketheaxtosomeone’?Well,that’swhereitcomesfrom.”
Ifeltthatall-too-familiar“downelevator”sensationinmystomach.
“Howdoeshedoit?”
“Itvaries,”mypartnershrugged.“Hetailor-makeshisattackdependingontheassignment.Theonlyconstantisthatwhateveryouwerewhenhestarted,you’renotwhenhe’sdone.”
“Iwishyou’dquitsaying‘you’allthetime.I’mnotdeadyet.”
“Sorry,partner.Figureofspeech.”
“Well,that’sjustswell!”Guidoexploded.“How’reNunzio‘n’mesupposedtoguardtheBosswhenwedon’tknowwhat’scomin’athim?”
“Youdon’t,”Aahzshotback.“Thisisoutofyourcategory,Guido.We’retalkingaboutcharacterassassination,notaphysicalattack.It’snotinyourjobdescription.”
“Izzatso!”Nunziosaidinhissqueakyvoice.“DonBrucesaysweshouldguardhim.Idon’trememberhimsayin’anythingaboutphysicalornon-physicalattacks.Right,Guido?”
“That’sright!IftheBosshasgotsomeoneafterhisscalp,guardin’himisourjob...ifthat’sallrightwithyou,MISTERAahz!”
“Iwouldn’ttrustyoutwotoguardafishhead,muchlessmypartner!”Aahzroared,surgingtohisfeet.
“Stopit,Aahz!”Tanandaordered,kickingmypartner’schairsothatitcuthislegsoutfromunderhimandploppedhimbackintohisseat.“Ifwe’reupagainsttheAx,we’regoingtoneedallthehelpwecanget.Let’sstopbickeringaboutthe‘who’andconcentrateonthe‘how.’Okay?We’reallscared,butthatdoesn’tmeanweshouldturnoneachotherwhenit’stheAxthat’sourtarget.”
Thatcooledeverybodydownforthemoment.Therewereafewglaresandmuttersexchanged,butatleastthevolumeleveldroppedtowhereIcouldbeheard.
“Ithinkyou’realloverlookingsomething,”Isaidquietly.
“What’sthat?”Tanandablinked.
“Aahzcamecloseaminuteago.Thisismyproblem...andit’snotreallyinanyofyourjobdescriptions.We’reallfriends,andtherearebusinesstiesbetweenAahzandme,aswellasGuidoandNunzio,butwe’retalkingaboutreputationshere.IfIgethit,andeveryoneseemstobebettingagainstmerightnow,anyonestandingclosetomeisgoingtogetmudsplashedonthem,too.Itseemstomethatthebestcourseofactionisfortherestofyoutopullback,or,betterstill,formetomoveoutandpresentasolotarget.Thatway,we’reonlyrunningtheriskofhavingonecareerruined...mine.IgotwhereIambystandingonyourshoulders.IfIcan’tmaintainitonmyown,well,maybeitwasn’tmuchofacareertostartwith.”
ThewholeroomwasstaringatmeasIlurchedtoahalt.
“Youknow,Skeeveoldboy,”Chumleysaid,clearinghisthroat,“AsmuchasIlikeyou,sometimesit’sdifficulttorememberjusthowintelligentyouare.”
“I’llsay,”Tanandasnarled.“That’saboutthedumbest...Waitaminute!Doesthishaveanythingtodowithmyleaving?”
“Abit,”Iadmitted.“AndMasshaleavingandAahz’stalkingaboutresponsibility,and...”
“Stoprightthere!”Aahzordered,holdinguphishand.“Let’stalkaboutresponsibility,partner.It’sfunnythatIshouldhavetolectureyouaboutthis,butthereareallsortsofresponsibilities.OneoftheonesthatI’velearnedaboutfromyouistheresponsibilitytoone’sfriends:helpingthemoutwhenthey’reintrouble,andlettingthemhelpyouinreturn.Ihaven’tforgottenhowyoucameintoastrangedimensiontobustmeoutofprisonafterI’drefusedyourhelpinthefirstplace;orhowyousignedusontoplayintheBigGametobailTanandaoutaftershewascaughtthieving;orhowyouinsistedthatDonBruceassignGuidoandNunzioheretoyouwhentheywereinlinefordisciplinaryactionafterbotchingtheirassignmentfortheMob.Ihaven’tforgottenit,andI’llbettheyhaven’teither,evenifyouhave.Now,Isuggestyoushutupaboutjobdescriptionsandletyourfriendshelpyou...partner.”
“A-bloody-men.”Chumleynodded.
“YoucouldhaveleftmewiththeGeekfortheslavers,”Markiesaid
thoughtfully,inasurprisinglyadultvoice.
“So,nowthatthat’ssettled,”mypartnersaid,rubbinghishandstogether,“let’sgettowork.MybuddyGuidoherehasraisedagoodpoint.HowdowedefendSkeevewhenwedon’tknowhoworwhentheAxwillstrike?”
Wehadn’treallysettledit,andAahzwasn’tabouttogivemeachancetopointitout.Iwasjustasglad,though,sinceIreallydidn’tknowwhattosay.
“Allwecandoisbeonthelookoutforanyoneoranythingstrangeshowingup.”Tanandashrugged.
“LikeashowdownmatchofdragonpokerwiththeSen-SenAnteKid,”Chumleysaid,staringintothedistance.
“What’sthat?”
“Youmissedit,littlesister.ItseemsourboySkeevehasdrawntheattentionofthekingofdragonpoker.Hewantsahead-to-headshowdownmatch,andhewantsitsoon.”
“Don’tlookatmelikethat,Chumley.”Aahzgrimaced.“I’mchangingmyvote.IfwewanttopreserveSkeeve’sreputation,there’snowayhecanrefusethechallenge.NowI’mwillingtoadmitit’llbemoneywellspent.”
“Mydaddycanbeatanybodyatdragonpoker,”Markiedeclaredloyally.
“Yourdaddycangethisbrainsbeatenoutroyally,”mypartnercorrectedgently.“Ijusthopewecanteachhimenoughbetweennowandgametimethathecanlosegracefully.”
“Idon’tlikeit,”Tanandagrowled.“It’stooconvenient.SomehowthisgamehastheAx’sfingerprintsalloverit.”
“You’reprobablyright,”Aahzsighed.“Butthere’snotmuchelsewecandoexceptacceptthechallengeandtrytomakethebestofabadsituation.”
“Bitethebulletandplaythecardswe’redealt.Eh,Aahz?”Imurmured.
IthoughIhadspokenquietly,buteveryonearoundthetablewinced,including
Markie.Theymightbeloyalenoughtorisktheirlivesandcareersdefendingme,buttheyweren’tgoingtolaughatmyjokes.
“Waitaminute!”Nunziosqueaked.“Doyouthinkthere’sachancethattheKidisactuallytheAx?”
“Lowprobability,”Bunnysaid,speakingforthefirsttimeinthemeeting.“SomeoneliketheAxhastoworkalowprofile.TheSen-SenAnteKidistoonoticeable.Ifhewereacharacterassassin,peoplewouldnoticeinnotimeflat.Besides,whenhewins,nobodythinksit’sbecausehisopponentsaredisreputable...it’sbecausetheKidisgood.No,IfiguretheAxhasgottobelikethepurloinedletter...hecanhideinplainsight.Figurethelastpersonyou’dsuspect,andyou’llbegettingclosetohisrealidentity.”
Theconversationswirledonaroundme,butIdidn’tlistenveryclosely.Forsomereason,athoughthadoccurredtomewhileBunnywastalking.WehadallbeenreferringtotheAxasa“he,”butifnooneknewhisrealidentity,hecouldjustaseasilybea“she.”Ifanything,menweremuchlessdefensiveandmoreinclinedtobragaboutthedetailsoftheircareerswhentheywerewithawoman.
Bunnywasawoman.ShehadalsoappearedsuddenlyonourdoorsteprightaroundthetimetheAxwassupposedtobegettinghisassignment.Wealreadyknewthatshewassmarterthansheleton...wordslike“purloined”didn’tgowiththevacantstareshesocarefullycultivated.WhatbetterplacefortheAxtostrikefromthantheinside?
IdecidedthatIshouldhavealittlechatwithmymollassoonastheopportunitypresenteditself.
ChapterTwelve:“Nooneshouldhidetheirtrueselfbehindafalseface.”
-L.CHANEY
ITwaswithacertainamountoftrepidationthatIapproachedBunny’sbedroom.Incaseyouhaven’tnoticed,myexperiencewithwomenisratherlimited...liketothefingersofonehandlimited.
Tananda,Massha,Luanna,QueenHemlock,andnowBunnyweretheonlyadultfemalesIhadeverhadtodealwith,andthusfarmytrackrecordwaslessthanglowing.IhadacrushonTanandaforawhile,butnowshewasmoreofabigsistertome.Masshawas...well,Massha.IguessifanythingIsawherasakidsister,someonetobeprotectedandsometimescuddled.
I’veneverreallyunderstoodheropenadmirationofme,butithadstoodfirmthroughsomeofmymostembarrassingmishapsandmadeiteasyformetoconfideinher.EventhoughIstillthoughtofLuannaasmyonetruelove,Ihadonlyspokentoheronfouroccasions,andafterourlastexchangeIwasn’tsuretherewouldeverbeafifthmeeting.TheonlyrelationshipIhadhadwithawomanwhichwasmoredisastrousthanmyattemptatlovewastheoneIhadwithQueenHemlock.Shemightnotshootmeonsight,buttherewasnodoubtinanyone’smindthatshewouldliketo...andshe’stheonewhowantedtomarryme!
Ofcourse,noneofthewomenIhaddealtwithsofarwasanythinglikeBunny,thoughwhetherthiswasgoodorbadIwasn’tentirelysure.Thefactstillremained,however,thatIwasgoingtohavetolearnmoreabouther,fortworeasons:first,ifshewasgoingtobearesidentofourhousehold,IwantedtogetabetterfixonwhereshewascomingfromsoIcouldtreatherassomethingotherthanamadauntinthecellar;andsecond,ifshewastheAx,thesoonerIfoundout,thebetter.Unfortunately,theonlywayIcouldthinkoftoobtainthenecessaryinformationwastotalktoher.
Iraisedmyhand,hesitatedforamoment,thenrappedonherdoor.Itoccurredtomethat,eventhoughIhadneverbeeninfrontofafiringsquad,nowIknewhowitfelt.
“Whoisit?”
“It’sSkeeve,Bunny.Haveyougotaminute?”
ThedoorflewopenandBunnywasthere,grabbingmyarmandpullingmeinside.Shewasdressedinaslinkyjumpsuitwiththeneckunlacedpasthernavel,whichwasagreatrelieftome.WhenIcalledonQueenHemlockinherbedroom,shehadreceivedmeinthealtogether.
“Geez!It’sgoodtoseeyou.Iwasstartin’tothinkyouweren’tevercomin’by!”
Withadouble-jointedshiftofherhipsshebumpedthedoorshut,whileherhandsflewtothelacingsinheroutfit.Somuchforbeingrelieved.
“Ifyoujustgivemeasecond,hon,I’llbeallsettogo.Youkindacaughtmeunprepared,and...”
“Bunny,couldyoujustknockitoffforawhile?Huh?”
Forsomereasontheeventsofthelastfewdayssuddenlyrestedheavyonmyshoulders,andIjustwasn’tinthemoodforgames.
ShestaredatmewitheyesasbigasaPervect’sbarbill,butherhandsceasedtheiractivity.“What’sthematter,Skeevie?Don’tyoulikeme?”
“Ireallydon’tknow.Bunny,”Isaidheavily.“You’veneverreallygivenmeachance,haveyou?”
Shedrewinasharpbreathandstartedtoretortangrily.Thenshehesitatedandlookedawaysuddenly,lickingherlipsnervously.
“I...Idon’tknowwhatyoumean.Didn’tIcometoyourroomandtrytobefriendly?”
“IthinkyoudoknowwhatImean,”Ipressed,sensingaweakeninginherdefenses.“Everytimeweseeeachother,you’rehittingmeinthefacewithyour
‘sex-kitten’routine.Ineverknowwhethertorunorapplaud,butneitheractionisparticularlyconducivetogettingtoknowyou.”
“Don’tknockit,”shesaid.“It’sagreatlittlebit.It’sgottenmethisfar,hasn’tit?Besides,isn’tthatwhatmenwantfromagirl?”
“Idon’t.”
“Really?”
Therewasanone-too-gentlemockeryinhervoice.Shetookadeepbreathandpulledhershouldersback.
“Sotellme,whatdoescrossyourmindwhenIdothis?”
RegardlessofwhatimpressionImayhaveleftonyoufrommyearlierexploits,Idothinkfast.Fastenoughtocensormyfirstthreethoughtsbeforeanswering.
“Mostlydiscomfort,”Isaidtruthfully.“It’simpressive,allright,butIgetthefeelingIshoulddosomethingaboutitandI’mnotsureI’muptoit.”
Shesmiledtriumphantlyandletherbreathout,easingthetensionacrossherchestandmymind.Ofthetwo,Ithinkmymindneededitmore.
“Youhavejusthitonthesecretofthesexkittens.It’snotthatyoudon’tlikeit.There’sjusttoomuchofitforyoutobesureyoucanhandleit.”
“I’mnotsureIfollowyou.”
“Menliketobragandstrutalot,butthey’vegotegosasbrittleasspunglass.Ifagirlcallstheirbluff,comesatthemlikeaseethingvolcanothatcan’tbeputout,mengetscared.Insteadoffanningagentlefeminineember,they’refacedwithaforestfire,sotheytaketheirwindelsewhere.Oh,theykeepusaroundtoimpresspeople.‘LookatthetigressI’vetamed,’andallthat.Butwhenwe’realonetheyusuallykeeptheirdistance.I’llbetamollseeslessactualactionthanyouraveragecoed...exceptourpayscaleisalotbetter.”
Thatmademethink.Ontheonehand,shehadcalledmyreactionprettyclose.Herroaringcome-onhadscaredmeabit...well,alot.Still,therewastheotherhand.
“Itsoundslikeyoudon’tthinkverymuchofmen,”Iobserved.
“Hey!Don’tgetmewrong.They’realotbetterthanthealternatives.Ijustgotalittlesickoflisteningtothesameoldlinesoverandoveranddecidedtoturnthetableson‘em.That’sall.”
“Thatwasn’twhatImeant.Asecondagoyousaid‘That’swhatmenwantfromagirl.’Itmaybetrue,andIwon’ttrytoarguethepoint.It’suncomfortablycloseto‘That’sallmenwantfromagirl,’though,andthatIwillargue.”
Shescowledthoughtfullyandchewedherlowerlip.
“Iguessthatisover-generalizingabit,”sheadmitted.
“Good.”.
“It’smoreaccuratetosay‘That’sallmenwantfromabeautifulgirl.’”
“Bunny...”
“No,youlistentome,Skeeve.ThisisonesubjectI’vehadalotmoreexperienceatthanyouhave.It’sfinetotalkaboutmindswhenyoulooklikeMassha.ButwhenyougrowuplookinggoodlikeIdid-nobrag,justastatementoffact-it’sonelongstringofmenhittingonyou.Ifthey’reinterestedinyourmind,I’dsaytheyneedacrashcourseinanatomy!”
Inthecourseofourfriendship,IhadhadmanylongchatswithMasshaaboutwhatitmeanttoawomantobelessthanattractive.However,thiswasthefirsttimeIhadeverbeenmadetorealizethatbeautymightbesomethinglessthananasset.
“Idon’trecall‘hittingonyou,’Bunny.”
“Okay,okay.MaybeIhavetakentocounterpunchingbeforesomeoneelsestarts.There’sbeenenoughofapatternthatIthinkI’mjustifiedinjumpingtoconclusions.AsIrecall,youwerealittlepreoccupiedwhenwemet.Howwouldyouhavereactedifweranintoeachothercasuallyinabar?”
Thatwasn’tdifficultatalltoimagine...unfortunately.
“Touche!”Iacknowledged.“Letmejusttossonethoughtatyou,Bunny.ThenI’llyieldtoyourexperience.Thequestionofsexisgoingtohangintheairoveranymale-femaleencounteruntilit’sresolved.Ithinkitlingersfrompre-civilizationdayswhensurvivalofthespecieshingedonpropagation.It’sstrongestwhenencounteringamemberoftheoppositesexonefindsattractive...suchasabeautifulwoman,or,Ibelievethephraseis,a‘hunk.’Partofcivilization,thoughIdon’tknowhowmanyotherpeoplethinkofitthisway,issettingrulesandlawstohelpsettlethatquestionquickly:siblings,parents,andpeopleunderageormarriedtosomeoneelseareofflimits...well,usually,butyougetmypoint.Theoretically,thisallowspeopletospendlesstimesniffingateachotherandmoretimegettingonwithotherendeavors...likeartorbusiness.I’mnotsureit’sanimprovement,mindyou,butithasbroughtusalongway.”
“That’saninterestingtheory,Skeeve,”Bunnysaidthoughtfully.“Where’dyouhearit?”
“Imadeitup,”Iadmitted.
“I’llhavetomullthatoneoverforawhile.Evenifyou’reright,though,whatdoesitprove?”
“Well,IguessI’mtryingtosaythatIthinkyou’refocusingtoomuchontheexistenceofthequestion.Eachtimeitcomesup,resolveitandmoveontootherthings.Specifically,Ithinkwecanresolvethequestionbetweenusrightnow.AsfarasI’mconcerned,theanswerisno,oratleastnotforalongtime.Ifwecanagreeonthat,I’dliketomoveontootherthings...likegettingtoknowyoubetter.”
“I’dsaythatsoundslikeapass,ifyouweren’tsaying‘no’inthesamebreath.MaybeIhavebeenalittlehypersensitiveonthesubject.Okay.Agreed.Let’stryitasfriends.”
Shestuckoutherhand,andIshookitsolemnly.Inthebackofmymindwasatwingeofguilt.NowthatIhadgottenhertorelaxherguard,Iwasgoingtotrytopumpherforinformation.
“Whatwouldyouliketoknow?”
“Well,exceptforthefactthatyou’resmarterthanyouletonandthatyou’reDon
Bruce’sniece,Ireallydon’tknowmuchaboutyouatall!”
“Whoops,”shegiggled,“Youweren’tevensupposedtoknowabouttheniecepart.”
Itwasamuchnicergigglethanherusualbrain-jarringsqueal.
“Let’sstartthere,then.Iunderstandyouruncledoesn’tapproveofyourcareerchoice.”
“Youcansaythatagain.Hehadaprofessionallpickedoutforme,putmethroughschoolandeverything.Thetroublewasthathedidn’tbothertocheckwithme.Frankly,I’dratherdoanythingelsethanwhathehadinmind.”
“Whatwasthat?”
“Hewantedmetobeanaccountant.”
MymindflashedbacktomyoldnemesisJ.R.GrimblebackatPossletum.TryingtopictureBunnyinhisplacewasmorethanmyimaginationcouldmanage.
“Umm...Isupposeaccountingisokaywork.IcanseewhyDonBrucedidn’twantyoutofollowhisfootstepsintoalifeofcrime.”
Bunnycockedaskepticaleyebrowatme.“Ifyoubelievethat,youdon’tknowmuchaboutaccounting.”
“Whatever.Itdoesoccurtomethattherearemorechoicesforone’slivelihoodthanbeinganaccountantorbeingamoll.”
“Idon’twanttosetyouoffagain,”shesmirked,“butmylookswereworkingagainstme.Mostlegitimatebusinessmenwereafraidthatiftheyhiredmetheirwives,orpartners,orboardofdirectors,orstaffwouldthinktheywereputtingamistressonthepayroll.AfterawhileIdecidedtogowiththeflowandgointoafieldwherebeingattractivewasarequirementinsteadofahandicap.IfI’mguiltyofanything,it’slaziness.”
“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,shakingmyhead.“I’lladmitIdon’tthinkmuchofyourcareerchoice.”
“Oh,yeah?Well,beforeyoustartsittinginmoraljudgment,letmetellyou...”
“Whoa!Timeout!”Iinterrupted.“WhatImeantwasthereisn’tmuchofafutureinit.Nothingpersonal,butnobodystaysyoungandgood-lookingforever.FromwhatIhear,yourjobdoesn’thavemuchofaretirementplan.”
“NoneoftheMobjobsdo,”sheshrugged.“ItpaysthebillswhileI’mlookingforsomethingbetter.”
Nowweweregettingsomewhere.
“SpeakingoftheMob,Bunny,I’lladmitthisAxthinghasmeworried.DoyouknowoffhandiftheMobeverhandlescharacterassassination?MaybeIcouldtalktosomeoneandgetsomeadvice.”
“Idon’tthinktheydo.It’salittlesubtleforthem.Still,I’veneverknownUncleBrucetoturndownanykindofworkiftheprofitwashighenough.”
Itoccurredtomethatthatwasafairlyevasivenoanswer.Idecidedtotryagain.
“Speakingofyouruncle,doyouhaveanyideawhyhepickedyouforthisassignment?”
Therewasthebarestpausebeforesheanswered.
“No,Idon’t.”
IhadsurvivedtheGeek’sdragonpokergamewatchingotherpeople,andI’mfairlygoodatit.Tome,thathesitationwasadeadgiveaway.Bunnyknewwhyshewashere,shejustwasn’ttelling.
Asifshehadreadmythoughts,astartledlookcameoverherface.
“Hey!Itjustdawnedonme.DoyouthinkI’mtheAx?Believeme,Skeeve,I’mnot.Really!”
Shewasverysincereandverybelievable.Ofcourse,ifIweretheAx,that’sexactlywhatIwouldsayandhowIwouldsayit.
ChapterThirteen:“YourMajestyshouldpayattentiontohisappearance.”
-H.C.ANDERSON
THEREaremanywordstodescribethenextday’soutingintotheBazaar.Unfortunately,noneofthemare‘calm’,‘quiet’,or‘relaxing’.Wordslike‘zoo’,‘circus’,and‘chaos’springmuchmorereadilytomind.
Itstartedbeforeweevenleftourbase...specifically,overwhetherornotweshouldgooutatall.
AahzandMasshamaintainedthatweshouldgotogrounduntilthingsblewover,onthetheorythatitwouldprovidethefewestopportunitiesfortheAxtoattack.GuidoandNunziosidedwiththem,addingtheirowncolorfulphrasestotheproceedings.“Goingtothemattresses”wasoneoftheirfavorites,anexpressionwhichneverceasedtoconjureintriguingimagestomymind.LikeItoldBunny,I’mnottotallypure.
TanandaandChumleytooktheotherside,arguingthatthebestdefenseisasolidoffense.Stayinginside,theyargued,wouldonlymakeussittingducks.TheonlysanethingtodowouldbetogetoutandtrytodeterminejustwhattheAxwasgoingtotry.MarkieandBunnychimedinsupportingthebrother-sisterteam,thoughIsuspectitwasmorefromadesiretoseemoreoftheBazaar.
Afterstayingneutralandlisteningforoveranhourwhilethetwosideswentateachother,Ifinallycastmyvote...infavorofgoingout.Strangelyenough,myreasonsalignedmostcloselywiththoseofBunnyandMarkie:whileIwasmorethanalittleafraidofgoingoutandbeingamovingtarget,Iwasevermoreafraidofbeingcoopedupinsidewithmyownteamwhiletheygotprogressivelymorenervousandshort-temperedwitheachother.
Nosoonerwasthatresolvedthananewargumenterupted,thistimeoverwhowasgoingalong.Obviously,everyonewantedtodo.Justasobviously,if
everybodydid,wewouldlooklikeexactlywhatwewere:astrikeforcelookingfortrouble.Isomehowdidn’tthinkthiswouldassistoureffortstopreservemyreputation.
Afteranotherhourofname-calling,wecameupwithacompromise.Wewouldallgo.Fordiscretionaswellasstrategicadvantage,however,itwasdecidedthatpartoftheteamwouldgoindisguise.Thatis,inadditiontomakingourpartylooksmallerthanitreallywas,itwouldalsoallowourteammatestowatchfromashortdistanceand,moreimportant,listentowhatwasbeingsaidaroundusintheBazaar.Aahz,Tananda,Chumley,Massha,andNunziowouldserveasourscoutsandreserve,whileMarkie,Bunny,Guido,andIwouldactasthebait...aroleIlikedlessthemoreIthoughtaboutit.
Thusitwasthatwefinallysetoutonourmorningstroll...earlyintheafternoon.
OnthesurfacetheBazaarwasunchanged,butitdidn’ttakelongbeforeIbegantonoticesomesubtledifferences.IhadgottensousedtomaintainingdisguisespellsthatIcouldkeepourfivecolleaguesincognitowithoutiteatingintomyconcentration...whichwasjustaswell,becausetherewasalottoconcentrateon.
Apparentlywordofourlastshoppingventurehadspread,andthereactionamongtheDeveelmerchantstoourappearanceinthestallswasmixedandextreme.
Someofthedisplaysclosedabruptlyasweapproached,whileothersrushedtomeetus.Therewere,ofcourse,thosewhotookaneutralstance,neitherclosingnormeetingushalfway,butratherwatchinguscarefullyaswelookedovertheirwares.Whereverwewent,however,InoticedadistinctlackofenthusiasmforthefavoriteBazaarpastimeofhaggling.Priceswereeitherdeclaredfirmorcounteroffersstackedupwithminimumverbiage.Itseemsthat,whiletheystillwantedourmoney,theDeveelsweren’teagertoprolongcontactwithus.
Iwasn’tsureexactlyhowtohandlethesituation.Icouldtakeadvantageoftheirnervousnessanddrivesomeshamelessbargains,orgritmyteethandpaymorethanIthoughttheitemswereworth.Thetroublewasthatneithercoursewoulddomuchtoimprovemyimageintheeyesofthemerchantsorerasethememoryofourlastouting.
Ofcourse,mylifebeingwhatitis,thereweredistractions.
Afterourtalk.Bunnyhaddecidedthatwewerefriendsandattackedhernewrolewiththesameenthusiasmshebroughttoplayingthevamp.Shestillclungtomyarm,mindyou,andfromadistanceprobablystilllookedlikeamoll.Herattention,however,wasnowcenteredonmeinsteadofonherself.
Todayshehaddecidedtovoiceheropinionofmywardrobe.
“Really,Skeeve.We’vegottogetyousomedecentclothes.”
Shehadsomehowmanagedtogetridofhernasalvoiceaswellaswhateveritwasshehadalwaysbeenchewingon.Maybetherewasaconnectionthere.
“What’swrongwithwhatI’mwearing?”
IhadonwhatIconsideredtobeoneofmyspiffieroutfits.Thestripesonthepantsweretwoincheswideandalternatedyellowandlightgreen,whilethetunicwasabrilliantredandpurplepaisleynumber.
“Iwouldn’tknowwheretostart,”shesaid,wrinklinghernose.“Let’sjustsayit’sabitonthegarishside.”
“Youdidn’tsayanythingaboutmyclothesbefore.”
“Right.Before.Asin‘beforewedecidedtobefriends.’Mollsdon’tstayemployedbytellingtheirmenhowtackytheydress.SometimesIthinkoneofthequalificationsforhavingadecorativeladyonyourarmistohavenoornegativeclothessense.”
“Ofcourse,Idon’thavemuchfirsthandknowledge,butaren’tthereafewmollswhodressalittleflamboyantlythemselves?”Isaidarchly.
“True.ButI’llbetifyoucheckedintoit,they’rewearingoutfitstheirmenboughtforthemtodressupin.Whenwewentshopping,youletmedotheselectingandjustpickedupthebill.Alotofmenfigureifthey’repayingthefare,theyshouldhavethefinalsayastowhattheirbaby-dollwears.Let’sfaceit,mollshavetopayattentiontohowtheylookbecausetheirjobsdependonit.Agirlwhodresseslikeasackofpotatoesdoesn’tfindworkasamoll.”
“Soyou’resayingIdresslikeasackofpotatoes?”
“Ifasacklookedlikeyou,itwouldknocktheeyesoutofthepotatoes.”
Igroanedmyappreciation.Heck,ifnoonewasgoingtolaughatmyjokes,whyshouldIlaughattheirs?Ofcourse,Ifiledhercommentawayforfutureuseiftheoccasionshouldarise.
“Seriouslythough,Skeeve,yourproblemisthatyoudresslikeakid.You’vegotsomenicepiecesinyourwardrobe,butnobody’sbotheredtoshowyouhowtowearthem.Brightoutfitsarenice,butyou’vegottobalancethem.Wearingapatternwithamutedsolidaccentsthepattern.Wearingapatternwithapatternistrouble,unlessyoureallyknowwhatyou’redoing.Moreoftenthannot,thepatternsendupfightingeachother...andifthey’reintwodifferentcolorsyou’vegotanall-outwar.Yourclothesshouldcallattentiontoyou,nottothemselves.”
Despitemyindignation,Ifoundmyselfbeingdrawnintowhatshewassaying.Ifthere’sonethingI’velearnedinmyvariousadventures,it’sthatyoutakeinformationwhereyoufindit.
“Let’sseeifI’mfollowingyou,Bunny.Whatyou’resayingisthatjustbuyingniceitems,especiallyonesthatcatchmyeye,isn’tenough.I’vegottowatchhowtheygotogether...trytobuildacoordinatedtotal.Right?”
“That’spartofit,”shenodded.“ButIthinkwe’dbettergobacktosteponeforamomentifwe’regoingtoeducateyouright.First,you’vegottodecideontheimageyouwanttoproject.Yourclothesmakeastatementaboutyou,butyou’vegottoknowwhatthatstatementshouldbe.Now,bankersdependonpeopletrustingthemwiththeirmoney,sotheydressconservativelytogivetheimpressionofdependability.Noonewillgivetheirmoneytoabankerwholookslikehespendshisafternoonsplayingtheponies.Attheotherendofthescale,youhavetheprofessionalentertainers.Theymaketheirmoneygettingpeopletolookatthem,sotheiroutfitsareusuallyflashyandflamboyant.”
Thiswasfascinating.Bunnywasn’ttellingmeathingIhadn’tseenformyself,butshewasdefiningpatternsthathadn’tregisteredonmebefore.Suddenlythewholeclothesthingwasstartingtomakesense.
“SowhatkindofimagedoIproject?”
“Well,sinceyouask,rightnowyoulooklikeoneoftwothings:eithersomeone
who’ssorichandsuccessfulthathedoesn’thavetocarewhatotherpeoplethink,orlikeakidwhodoesn’tknowhowtodress.HereattheBazaar,theyknowyou’resuccessful,sothemerchantsjumptothefirstconclusionanddragouteverygaudyitemtheyhaven’tbeenabletounloadonanyoneelseandfigureiftheypriceithighenough,you’llgoforit.”
“Asuckerorafool,”Imurmured.“Idon’treallyknowwhatimageIwant,butitisn’teitherofthose.”
“Trythisoneonforsize.You’reamagicianforhire,right?Youwanttolookwelloffsoyourclientsknowyou’regoodatwhatyoudo,butnotsorichthatthey’llthinkyou’reoverchargingthem.Youdon’twanttogotooconservative,becauseinpartthey’rebuyingintothemystiqueofmagic,butifyougotooflashyyou’lllooklikeasideshowcharlatan.Inshort,Ithinkyourbestbetistotryfor‘quietpower.’Someonewhoisapartfromtheworkadaycrowd,butwhoissosureofhimselfthathedoesn’thavetoopenlytryforattention.”
“HowdoIlooklikethat?”
“That’swhereBunnycomesin,”shesaidwithawink.“Ifwe’reagreedontheend,I’llfindthemeans.Followme.”
Withthat,sheledmeoffintooneofthemostincredibleshoppingspreesI’veevertakenpartin.SheinsistedthatIchangeintothefirstoutfitwebought:alightblueopen-neckedshirtwithcream-coloredslacksandamatchingneckscarf.Markieprotestedthatshehadlikedtheprettyclothesbetter,butaswemadeourwayfromstalltostall,Inoticedachangeinthemanneroftheproprietors.Theystillseemedalittlenervousaboutourpresence,buttheywerebringingoutacompletelydifferentarrayofclothesforourexamination,andseveralofthemcomplimentedmeonwhatIwaswearing...somethingthathadneverhappenedbefore.
ImustadmitIwasalittlesurprisedathowmuchsomeofthese“simpleandquiet”itemscost,butBunnyassuredmethatthefabricandtheworkmanshipjustifiedtheprice.
“Idon’tunderstandit,”Iquippedatonepoint.“Ithoughtthataccountantswerealltightfisted,andhereyouare:theultimateconsumer.”
“Youdon’tseemereachingformybankroll,doyou?”shepurredback.
“Accountantscandealwithnecessaryexpenses,aslongasit’ssomeoneelse’smoney.Ourmainjobistogetyoumaximumpurchasepowerforyourhard-earnedcash.”
Andsoitwent.WhenIhadtimetothink,itoccurredtomethatifBunnywastheAx,shewasworkingawfullyhardtomakemelookgood.IwasstilltryingtofigureouthowthiscouldfitintoadiabolicalplanwhenIfeltanudgeatmyelbow.Glancingaround,IfoundAahzstandingnexttome.
Now,whenIthrowmydisguisespell,Istillseethepersonastheynormallyare.That’swhyIstartednervouslybeforeIrememberedthattoanyoneelseattheBazaarhelookedlikeafellowshopperexchangingafewwords.
“Niceoutfit,partner,”hesaid.“Itlookslikeyourlittleplaymateisdoingsomeseriousworkonyourwardrobe.”
“Thanks,Aahz.Doyoureallylikeit?”
“Sure.Thereisonelittleitemyoumightaddtoyourlistbeforeweheadforhome.”
“What’sthat?”
“Aboutfivedecksofcards.Whilehemightbeimpressedbyyournewimage,Ithinkit’llmakeabiggerimpactontheKidifyouspendalittletimelearninghowtoplaydragonpokerbeforeyousquareoffwithhim.”
Thatpoppedmybubbleinahurry.Aahzwasright.
ClothesandtheAxaside,therewasonethingIwasgoingtohavetofaceuptosoon,andthatwasashowdownwiththebestdragonpokerplayerinallthedimensions.
ChapterFourteen:“Sometimesluckisn’tenough.”
-L.LUCIANO
“OGRE’Shigh,Skeeve.Yourbet.”
‘Oh!Umm...I’llgoten.”
“Bumpyouten.”
“Out.”
“Twentytome?I’llgotwentyontopofthat.”
“Call.”
Bynow,youshouldknowthatsound.That’sright.Dragonpokerinfullgallop.Thistime,however,itwasafriendlygamebetweenAahz,Tananda,Chumley,andme.Ofcourse,I’musingthephrase“friendly”ratherlooselyhere.
Asidefromoccasionalshoutingmatches,Ihadneverbeeninafightwiththesethreebefore.Thatis,whentherehadbeentrouble,weformedourcirclewiththehornsout,notin.Forthefirsttime,Ifoundmyselfontheoppositesideofaconflictfrommycolleagues,andIwasn’tenjoyingitatall.Realizingthiswasjustagame,andapracticegameatthat,IwassuddenlyverygladIdidn’thavetoofaceanyoneoftheminareallife-and-deathsituation.
Thebanterwasstillthere,buttherewasanedgeonit.
Therewasacloudoftensionoverthetableastheplayersfocusedoneachotherlikecirclingpredators.IthadbeenthereatthegameattheEven-Odds,butthenIwasexpectingit.Onedoesn’texpectsupportorsympathyfromtotalstrangersinacardgame.Thetroublewasthatthesethreewhoweremyclosestfriendswereturningouttobetotalstrangerswhenthechipsweredown..ifyou’llpardonthe
expression.
“Ithinkyou’rebluffing,bigbrother.Upanotherforty.”
Igulpedandpushedanotherstackofmydiminishingpileofchipsintothepot.
“Call.”
“Yougotme,”thetrollshrugged.“Out.”
“Well,Skeeve.Thatleavesyouandme.I’vegotanelf-highflush.”
Shedisplayedherhandandlookedatmeexpectantly.
IturnedmyholecardsoverwithwhatIhopedwasaconfidentflourish.
Silencereignedaseveryonebentforwardtostareatmyhand.
“Skeeve,thisisgarbage,”Tanandasaidatlast.“Aahzfoldedabetterhandthanthiswithouthisholecards.Ihadyoubeatontheboard.”
“Whatshe’stryingtosay,partner,”Aahzsmirked,“isthatyoushouldhaveeitherfoldedorraised.Callingthebetwhenthecardsshehasshowingbeatyourhandisjusttossingawaymoney.”
“Okay,okay!Igetthepoint.”
“Doyou?You’vestillgotaboutfiftychipsthere.Areyousureyoudon’twanttowaituntilyou’velostthose,too?Ofmaybeweshouldredividethechipsandstartover...again.”
“Lightenup,Aahz,”Tanandaordered.“Skeevehadasystemthathadworkedforhimbefore.Whyshouldn’thewanttotryitoutbeforebeingforce-fedsomethingnew?”
Whattheywerereferringtowasmyoriginalresistancetotakinglessonsindragonpoker.IhadprettymuchdecidedtohandletheupcominggamethesamewayIhadplayedthegameattheEven-Oddsratherthantrytocrash-learntherules.Aftersomediscussion(readas:argument)itwasagreedthatweshouldplayademonstrationgamesothatIcouldshowmycoacheshowwellmy
systemworked.
Well,Ishowedthem.
IcouldreadAahzprettywell,possiblybecauseIknewhimsointimately.ChumleyandTananda,though,threwmeforaloop.Iwasunabletopickupanysortofgiveawaycluesintheirspeechormanner,norcouldImanagetodetectanyapparentrelationshipbetweentheirbettingandwhattheywereholding.InadepressinglyshortperiodoftimeIhadbeencleanedoutofmystartingallotmentofchips.Thenwedivviedthestacksupagainandstartedover...withthesameresults.Wewerenowclosinginontheendofthethirdround,andIwasreadytothrowinthetowel.
AsmuchasIwouldhavelikedtotellmyselfthatIwashavingabadrunofcardsorthatwehadplayedtoofewhandstosetthepatterns,thehorribletruthwasthatIwassimplyout-classed.Imean,usuallyIcouldspotifaplayerhadagoodhand.Thenthequestionwas“howgood,”ormorespecifically,ifhiswasbetterthanmine.
Ofcourse,thesamewentforweakhands.Idependedonbeingabletodetectaplayerwhowasbettingahandthatneededdevelopmentorifhewassimplybettingthattheotherhandintheroundwoulddevelopworsethanhis.Inthis“demonstrationgame,”however,Iwascaughtflatfootedagainandagain.ToomanytimesahandthatIhadfiguredforguts-nothingturnedouttobeapowerhouse.
Tosaytheleast,itwasdepressing.Thesewereplayerswhowouldn’tdreamofchallengingtheSen-SenAnteKidthemselves,andtheywerecleaningmyclockwithouthalftrying.
“IknowwhenI’mlicked,Aahz,”Isaid.“Evenifitdoestakemealittlelongerthanmost.I’mreadytotakethoselessonsyouoffered...ifyoustillthinkitwilldoanygood.”
“Sureitwill,partner.Attheveryleast,Idon’tthinkitcanhurtyourgame,iftonight’sbeenanaccuratesample.”
TrustaPervecttoknowjustwhattosaytocheeryouup.
“Comeon,Aahzoldboy,”Chumleyinterrupted.“Skeevehereisdoingthebest
hecan.He’sjusttryingtohangoninabadsituation...likewealldo.Let’snotmakeitanyrougherforhim.Hmmm?”
“Isupposeyou’reright.”
“AndwatchcommentslikethatwhenMarkie’saround,”Tanandaputin.“She’sgotabadcaseofhero-worshipforhernewdaddy,andweneedhimasanauthorityfiguretokeepherinline.”
“SpeakingofMarkie,”mypartnergrimaced,peeringaround,“whereisourportabledisasterarea?”
Thetailendofourshoppingexpeditionhadnotgonewell.Markie’smoodseemedtodeteriorateasthedayworeon.Twiceweweresavedfromtotaldisasteronlybytimelyinterventionbyourspotterswhenshestartedtogetparticularlyupset.Notwishingtopushourluck,Icalledahalttotheexcursion,whichalmosttriggeredanothertantrumfrommyyoungward.Iwonderedifotherparentshadeverhadshoppingtripscutshortbyacrankychild.
“She’soffsomewherewithBunnyandthebodyguards.IthoughtthissessionwouldberoughenoughwithouttheaddeddistractionofMarkiecheeringforherdaddy.”
“Goodcall,”Chumleysaid.“Well,enoughchitchat.Shallwehaveatit?”
“Right!”Aahzdeclared,rubbinghishandstogetherasheleanedforward.“Now,thefirstthingwehavetodoistightenupyourbetterstrategy.Ifyoukeep...”
“Umm...Aren’tyougettingalittleaheadofyourself,Aahz?”Tanandainterrupted.
“Howso?”
“Don’tyouthinkitwouldbeniceifwetaughthimthesequenceofhandsfirst?It’saloteasiertobetwhenyouknowwhetherornotyourhandisanygood.”
“Oh.Yeah.Ofcourse.”
“Letmehandlethispart,Aahz,”thetrollvolunteered.“Nowthen,Skeeve.Theascendingsequenceofhandsisasfollows:
HighCard
OnePair
TwoPair
ThreeOfAKind
ThreePair
FullHouse(ThreeOfAKindplusaPair)
FourOfAKind
Flush
Straight(thoselasttwoarerankedhigherandreversedbecauseofthesixthcard)
FullBelly(twosetsofThreeOfAKind)
FullDragon(FourOfaKindplusaPair)
StraightFlush
Haveyougotthat?”
Halfanhourlater,Icouldalmostgetthroughthelistwithoutreferringtomycribsheet.Bythattime,myteachers’enthusiasmwasnoticeablydimmed.IdecidedtopushontothenextlessonbeforeIlostthemcompletely.
“Closeenough,”Ideclared.“Icanboneupontheseonmyowntime.Wheredowegofromhere?HowmuchshouldIbetonthehands?”
“Notsofast,”Aahzsaid.“First,you’vegottofinishlearningaboutthehands,”
“Youmeantherearemore?Ithought...”
“No.You’vegotallthehands...orwillhave,withalittlepractice.Nowyou’vegottolearnaboutconditionalmodifiers.”
“Conditionalmodifiers?”Iechoedweakly.
“Sure.Without‘em,dragonpokerwouldbejustanotherstraightforwardgame.AreyoustartingtoseewhyIdidn’twanttotakethetimebeforetoteachyou?”
Inoddedsilently,staringatmylistofcardhandsthatIsomehowhadafeelingwasabouttobecomemorecomplex.
“Cheerup,Skeeve,”Chumleysaidgaily,clappingmeontheshoulder.“Thisisgoingtobeeasierthanifweweretryingtoteachyouthewholegame.”
“Itis?”Iblinked,perkingupslightly.
“Sure.Yousee,theconditionalmodifiersdependoncertainvariables,likethedayoftheweek,thenumberofplayers,chairposition,thingslikethat.Nowsincethismatchisprearranged,weknowwhatmostofthosevariableswillbe.Forexample,therewillonlybethetwoofyouplaying,andasthechallengedpartyyouhaveyourchoiceofchairs...picktheonefacingsouth,incidentally.”
“Whatmybigbrotheristryingtosayinhisownclumsyway,”Tanandainterruptedbysqueezingmyarmsoftly,“isthatyoudon’thavetolearnalltheconditionalmodifiers.JusttheonesthatwillbeineffectforyourgamewiththeKid.”
“Oh.Igetit.Thanks,Chumley.Thatmakesmefeelalotbetter.”
“Right-o.Therecan’tbemorethanadozenortwothatwillbepertinent.”
ThereliefIhadbeenfeelingturnedcoldinsideme.
“Twodozenconditionalmodifiers?”
“C’mon,bigbrother.Therearen’tthatmany.”
“IwasgoingtosayIthoughthewasunderestimating,”Aahzgrinned.
“Well,let’sbloodywellcountthemoffandsee.”
“Reddragonswillbewildoneven-numberedhands....”
“...Butunicornswillbewildallevening....”
“...Thecorps-a-corpshandwillbeinvalidallnight,that’swhywedidn’tbother
tolistit,partner....”
“...Onceanight,aplayercanchangethesuitofoneofhisupcards....”
“...Everyfivehands,thesequenceofcardsisreversed,sothelowcardsarehighandvice-versa....”
“...Threeswillbedeadallnightandtreatedasblankcards....”
“...Andonceafour-of-a-kindisplayed,thatcardvalueisalsodead....”
“...Unlessit’sawildcard,thenitsimplyceasestobewildandcanbeplayednormally....”
“...Ifthere’satenshowinginthefirsttwoface-upcardsineachhand,thensevenswillbedead....”
“...Unlessthereisasecondtenshowing,thenitcancelsthefirst....”
“...Ofcourse,ifthefirstcardturnedfaceupinaroundisanOgre,theroundwillbeplayedwithanextraholecard,fourfaceupandfivefacedown....”
“...Anaturalhandbeatsahandofequalvaluebuiltwithwildcards....”
“Hey-that’snotaconditionalmodifier.That’saregularrule.”
“Itwillbeineffect,won’tit?Someoftheconditionalmodifiersnullifystandingrules,soIthoughtweshould...”
“AREYOUPUTTINGMEON?!!”
Theconversationstoppedonadimeasmycoachesturnedtostareatme.
“Imean,thisisajoke.Right?”
“No,partner,”Aahzsaidcarefully.“Thisiswhatdragonpokerisallabout.LikeChumleysaid,justbethankfulyou’reonlyplayingonenightandgettolearntheabbreviatedlist.”
“ButhowamIsupposedtostandachanceinthisgame?I’mnotevengoingtobeabletorememberalltherules.”
Anawkwardsilencecameoverthetable.
“I...uhh...thinkyou’vemissedthepoint,Skeeve,”Tanandasaidatlast.“Youdon’tstandachance.TheKidisthebestthereis.There’snowayyoucanlearnenoughinafewdaysorafewyearstoevengivehimarunforhismoney.Allwe’retryingtodoisteachyouenoughsothatyouwon’tembarrassyourself-asinruinthereputationoftheGreatSkeeve-whilehewhittlesawayatyourstake.You’vegottoatleastlooklikeyouknowwhatyou’redoing.Otherwiseyoucomeacrossasafoolwhodoesn’tknowenoughtoknowhowlittleheknows.”
Ithoughtaboutthatforafew.
“Doesn’tthatdescriptionactuallyfitmetoa‘T’?”
“Ifso,let’skeepitinthefamily.Okay?”mypartnerwinked,punchingmeplayfullyontheshoulder.“Cheerup,Skeeve.Insomewaysitshouldbefun.There’snothinglikecompetinginagamewithoutthepressuretowintoletyourole-playtothehilt.”
“Sure,Aahz.”
“Okay,solet’sgetbacktoit.Justlistenthistimearound.We’llgooveritagainslowerlatersoyoucanwriteitalldown.”
Withthat,theylaunchedintoitagain.
Ilistenedwithhalfanear,allthewhileexaminingmyfeelings.IhadgoneintothefirstgameattheEven-Oddsexpectingtolose,butIhadbeenviewingthatasasocialevening.ItwasbeyondmyabilitiestokidmyselfintobelievingthismatchwiththeKidwasgoingtobesocial.
AsmuchasIrespectedtheviewsofmyadvisors,IwashavingalotoftroubleacceptingtheideathatIwouldhelpmyreputationbylosing.Theywereright,though,thatIcouldn’tgracefullyrefusethechallenge.IfIdidn’tstandachanceofwinning,thentheonlyoptionleftwastolosegracefully.Right?
TryasImight,though,Icouldn’tstillalittlevoiceinthebackofmymindthatkepttellingmethattheidealsolutionwouldbetotaketheKidtothecleaners.Ofcourse,thatwasimpossible.Right?Right?
ChapterFifteen:“IneedallthefriendsIcanget.”
-QUASIMODO
WHILEmylifemayseemconvolutedanddepressingattimes,atleastthereisonebeingwhoneverturnsfrommeinmyhoursofneed.
“Gleep!”
I’veneverunderstoodhowadragon’stonguecanbeslimyandsandpaperyatthesametime,butitis.Well,atleasttheonebelongingtomydragonis.
“Down,fella...dow...hey!C’mon,Gleep.Stopit!”
“Gleep!”mypetdeclaredashedeftlydodgedmyhandsandleftonemoreslimytrailacrossmyface.Obedienttoafault.Theysayyoucanjudgeaman’sleadershipabilitybyhowwellhehandlesanimals.
“Darnit,Gleep!Thisisserious!”
I’veoftentriedtoconvinceAahzthatmydragonactuallyunderstandswhatIsay.Whetherthatwasthecasehereorifhewasjustsensitivetomytone,Gleepsankbackonhishaunchesandcockedhisheadattentively.
“That’sbetter,”Isighed,daringtobreathethroughmynoseagain.Dragonshavenotoriouslybadbreath(hencetheexpression“dragonmouth”),andmypet’sdisplaysofaffectionhadtheunfortunatesideeffectofmakingmefeelmorethanslightlyfaint.Ofcourse,evenbreathingthroughmymouth,Icouldstilltasteit.
“Yousee,I’vegotaproblem...well,severalproblems,andIthoughtmaybetalkingthemoutwithoutbeinginterruptedmight...”
“Gleep!”
Thetongueslickedoutagain,thistimecatchingmewithmymouthopen.WhileIlovemypet,therearetimesIwishhewere...smaller.Timeslikethis...andwhenIhavetocleanouthislitterbox.
“YouwantIshouldleanonthedragonforyou,Boss?”
IlookedaroundanddiscoveredNunziosittingononeofthegardenbenches.
“Oh.Hi,Nunzio.Whatareyoudoinghere?IthoughtyouandGuidousuallymadeyourselfscarcewhenIwasexercisingGleep.”
“That’susually,”thebodyguardshrugged.“Mycousinandme,wetalkeditoveranddecidedwiththisAxfellaontheloosethatoneofusshouldstickwithyouallthetime,knowwhatImean?Rightnowit’smyshift,andI’llbehangin’tight...nomatterwhatyou’redoin’.”
“Iappreciatethat,butIdon’tthinkthere’sanydangerofgettinghithere.IalreadydecidednottotakeGleepoutsideuntilthecoastisclear.Nosensetemptingfate.”
Thatwasatleastpartiallytrue.WhatIhadreallydecidedwasthatIdidn’twanttogivetheAxachancetostrikeatmethroughmypet.Aahzalreadycomplainedenoughabouthavingadragoninresidencewithoutaddingfueltothefire.Ofcourse,ifmysuspicionswerecorrectandBunnywastheAx...
“Bettersafethansorry...andyoudidn’tanswermyquestion.YouwantIshouldleanonthedragon?”
Sometimesthelogicofbodyguardseludedmecompletely.
“No.Imean,whyshouldyouleanonGleep?Youlookcomfortablewhereyouare.”
Nunziorolledhiseyes.“Idon’tmean‘leanonhim’likereallyleanonhim.Imean,doyouwantmetobendhimalittle?Youknow,roughhimupsome.Istayouttathingsbetweenyouandyourpartner,butyoushouldn’thavetoputupwiththatkindofgufffromadragon.”
“He’sjustbeingfriendly.”
“Friendly,schmendly.FromwhatI’veseen,you’reinmoredangerfromgettingknockedoffbyyourownpetthanbyanyoneelseI’veseenattheBazaar.AllI’veeveraskedisthatyouletmedomyjob...Iamsupposedtobeguardin’yourbody,ya’know.That’showmypositiongotitsloftytitle.”
Notforthefirsttime,IwasimpressedbyNunzio’stotaldevotiontohiswork.ForamomentIwastemptedtolethimdowhathewanted.Atthelastminute,though,animageflashedthroughmymindofmyoutsizedbodyguardandmydragongoingatithammerandtongsinthemiddleofthegarden.
“Umm...thanks,butIthinkI’llpass,Nunzio.Gleepcanbeapainsometimes,butIkindoflikehimjumpingallovermeonceinawhile.Itmakesmefeelloved.Besides,Iwouldn’twanttoseehimgethurt...oryoueither,forthatmatter.”
“Jumpin’uponyouisonething.Doin’itwhenyoudon’twanthimtoissompin’else.Besides,Iwouldn’thurthim.I’djust...here,letmeshowyou!”
BeforeIcouldstophim,hewasonhisfeet,takingastraddle-leggedstancefacingmydragon.
“C’mere,Gleep.C’mon.fella.”
Mypet’sheadsnappedaround,thenhewentboundingtowardwhathethoughtwasanewplaymate.
“Nunzio.I...”
Justasthedragonreachedhim,mybodyguardheldoutahand,palmoutward.
“Stop,Gleep!Sit!IsaidSIT!!”
WhathappenednextIhadtoreconstructlaterfromreplayingmymemory,ithappenedsofast.
Nunzio’shandsnakedoutandclosedoverGleep’ssnout.Withajerkhepulledthenosedownuntilitwasundermypet’shead,thenpushedupsharply.
Inmid-stridethedragon’shaunchesdroppedintoasittingpositionandhestopped,allthewhilebattinghiseyelashesinbewilderment.
“Nowstay.Stay!!”
Mybodyguardcarefullyopenedhishandandsteppedback,holdinghispalmflatinfrontofmypet’sface.
Gleepquiveredslightlybutdidn’tbudgefromhissittingposition.
“See,Boss?He’llmind,”Nunziocalledoverhisshoulder.“Yajustgottabefirmwithhim.”
Isuddenlyrealizedmyjawwasdanglingsomewherearoundmyknees.“What...that’sincredible,Nunzio!Howdidyou...whatdidyou...”
“Iguessyouneverknew,”hegrinned,“Iusedtabeananimaltrainer...mostlythenastyonesforshows,knowwhatImean?”
“Ananimaltrainer?”
“Yeah.Itseemedlikealogicalextensionofbein’aschoolteacher...onlywithouttheparentstoworryabout.”
Ihadtositdown.BetweenthedemonstrationwithGleepandthesuddeninsighttohisbackground,Nunziohadmybrainonoverload.
“Ananimaltrainerandaschoolteacher.”
“That’sright.Say,youwantIshouldworkwithyourdragonsomemorenowthathe’squieteddown?”
“No.Lethimrunforawhile.Thisissupposedtobehisexercisetime.”
“You’retheBoss.”
HeturnedtowardGleepandclappedhishandssharply.Thedragonboundedbackwards,thencrouchedclosetotheground,readytoplay.
“Getit,boy!”
Movingwithsurprisingbelievability,thebodyguardscoopedanimaginaryballfromthegroundandpretendedtothrowittothefarendofthegarden.
Gleepspunaroundandsprintedoffinthedirectionofthe“throw,”flatteningabenchandtwoshrubsashewent.
“Simplyamazing,”Imurmured.
“Ididn’tmeantobuttin,”Nunziosaid,sinkingintotheseatbesideme.“Itjustlookedlikeyouwantedtotalkandyourdragonwantedtofrolic.”
“It’sallright.I’drathertalktoyou,anyway.”
Iwasmoderatelyastoundedtodiscoverthiswastrue.
I’dalwaysbeenabitofaloner,butlatelyitseemedInotonlywasabletotalktopeople,Ienjoyedit.Ihopeditwouldn’tseriouslychangemyfriendshipwithGleep.
“Me?Sure,Boss.Whatdidyouwanttotalkabout?”
“Oh,nothingspecial.IguessIjustrealizedwe’veneverreallytalked,justthetwoofus.Tellme,howdoyoulikeouroperationhere?”
“It’sokay,Iguess.Neverreallythoughtaboutitmuch.It’snotyourrun-of-the-millMoboperation,thatmuchisforsure.Yougotsomestrangepeoplehangin’aroundyou...butthey’renice.I’dgivemyrightarmforanyoneofthem,they’resonice.That’sdifferentrightthere.Mostoutfits,everybody’stryin’togetahead...sotheyspendmoretimewatchin’eachotherthantheydoscopin’theopposition.Here,everybodycoversforeachotherinsteadofnudgingtheotherguyout.”
“Doyouwanttogetahead,Nunzio?”
“Yesandno,knowwhatImean?Idon’twanttobedoin’thesamethingtherestofmylife,butI’mnotpushytogettothetop.Actually,Ikindalikeworkin’forsomeoneelse.Iletthemmakethebigdecisions,thenallIgottadoisfigureouthowtomakemyparthappen.”
“Youcertainlydoyourpartaroundhere,”Inodded.“Ineverknewbeforehowhardabodyguardworks.”
“Really?Gee,it’sgoodtohearyousaythat.Boss.SometimesGuidoandme,
wefeellikedeadweightaroundhere.Maybethat’swhyweworksohardtodoourjobs.IneverthoughtmuchaboutwhetherIdoordon’tlikeithere.Imean,IgowhereI’massignedanddowhatI’mtold,soitdoesn’tmatterwhatIthink.Right?WhatIdoknow,though,isthatI’dberealsorryifIhadtoleave.Nobody’severtreatedmelikeyouandyourcrewdo.”
NunziomightnotbeanintellectualgiantortheswiftestwithI’veknown,butIfoundhissimplehonestytouching...nottomentiontheloyaltyitimplied.
“Well,you’vegotajobhereaslongasI’vegotanythingtosayaboutit.”Iassuredhim.
“Thanks,Boss.Iwasstartin’togetalittletiredofhowtheMoboperates,knowwhatImean?”Thatrangabellinmymind.
“Speakingofthat,Nunzio,doyouthinktheMobwouldevergetinvolvedwithsomethinglikethischaracterassassinationthing?”
Thebodyguard’sbrowfurrowedwiththeeffortofthinking.
“Naw!”hesaidatlast.“Mostlypeoplepayusnottodothings.Ifwedohavetodoanumberonsomeone,it’susuallytomakeanexampleofthemandwedosomethingflashylikeburndowntheirhouseorbreaktheirlegs.Whowouldknowitifwewreckedtheircareer?WhatTanandawassayin’abouttheAxwasinteresting,butit’sjustnotourstyle.”
“Notevenfortherightprice?”Iurged.“HowmuchdoyouthinkitwouldtaketogetDonBrucetosendsomeoneinhereafterus?”
“Idunno.I’dhavetosayatleast...waitaminute!Areyouaskin’ifBunny’stheAx?”
“Well,shedid...”
“Forgetit.Boss.Evenifshecouldhandlethejob,whichI’mnottoosureshecould,DonBrucewouldneversendherafteryou.Heck,you’reoneofhisfavoritechieftainsrightnow.Youshouldhearhim...”
Nunziosuddenlypressedhispalmsagainsthischeekstomakeexaggeratedjowlsashespoke.“...DatSkeeve,he’sreallygotitontheball,knowwhatI
mean?Mercy!IfIhadahundredlikehimIcouldtakeoverdiswholeorganization.”
HisimitationofDonBrucewassoperfectIhadtolaugh.
“That’sgreat,Nunzio.Hasheeverseenyoudothat?”
“I’mstillemployedandbreathin’,aren’tI?”hewinked.“Seriously,though.You’rebarkin’upthewrongtreewithBunny.Believeme,you’retheappleofheruncle’seyerightnow.”
“Isupposeyou’reright,”Isighed.“Ifyouare,though,itleavesmerightbackwhereIstarted.WhoistheAxandwhatcan...”
“Higuys!Isthataprivateconversation,orcananyonejoin?”
WeglanceduptofindBunnyandMarkieenteringthegarden.
“C’monover.Bunny!”Iwaved,nudgingNunzioslightlyintheribs.“Wewerejustgoingto...”
“GLEEP!!!”
Suddenlymydragonwasinfrontofme.Crouchingandtense,hedidn’tlookplayfulatall.Ihadonlyseenhimlikethisacoupleoftimesbefore,andthen...
“STOPIT,GLEEP!GLEEP!!!”Iscreamed,realizingtoolatewhatwasabouttohappen.
Fortunately,NunziowasquickerthanIwas.Fromhissittingpositionhethrewhimselfforwardinabodycheckagainstmypet’sneck,justasthedragonletloosewithastreamoffire.Theflamesleaptforwardtoharmlesslyscorchawall.
BunnysweptMarkiebehindherwithonearm.
“Geez!Whatwas...”
“I’llgethim!”Markiecried,ballingupherfists.
“MARKIE!!STOP!!”
“ButDaddy...”
“Justholdit.Okay?Nunzio?”
“I’vegothim,Boss,”hecalled,bothhandswrappedsecurelyaroundGleep’ssnoutasthedragonstruggledtogetfree.
“Bunny?YouandMarkiegetinside!Now!!!”
Thetwoofthemhurriedfromsight,andIturnedmyattentiontomypet.
Gleepseemedtohavecalmeddownasfastashehadexploded,nowthatBunnyandMarkieweregone.Nunziowasstrokinghernecksoothinglywhilestaringatmeinwide-eyedamazement.
“Idunnowhathappenedthere,Boss,butheseemsokaynow.”
“Whathappened,”Isaidgrimly,“wasGleeptryingtoprotectmefromsomethingorsomeonehesawasathreat.”
“ButBoss...”
“LookNunzio,Iknowyoumeanwell,butGleepandIgobackalongway.ItrusthisinstinctsmorethanIdomyownjudgment.”
“But...”
“Iwantyoutodotwothingsrightaway.First,putGleepbackinhisstable...Ithinkhe’shadenoughexerciseforoneday.ThengetwordtoDonBruce.Iwanttohavealittletalkwithhimabouthis‘present’!”
ChapterSixteen:“Ithoughtwewerefriends!”
-BANQUO
“ITELLyou,partner,thisiscrazy!”
“Likeheckitis!”
“Bunnycan’tbetheAx!She’saspacecadet.”
“That’swhatshe’dlikeustothink.Ifoundoutdifferent!”
“Really?How?”
“By...well,bytalkingtoher.”
IspottedtheflawinmylogicassoonasIsaidit,andAahzwasn’tfarbehind.
“Skeeve,”hesaidsolemnly,“hasitoccurredtoyouthatifshe’stheAxandyou’rehertarget,thatyouwouldprobablybethelastpersonshewouldrelaxaround?DoyoureallythinkyoucouldtrickherintogivingawayherI.Q.inasimpleconversation?”
“Well...maybeshewasbeingclever.Itcouldbethatitwasherwayoftryingtothrowusoffthetrack.”
Mypartnerdidn’tsayanythingtothat.Hejustcockedhisheadandraisedoneeyebrowveryhigh.
“Itcouldbe,”Irepeatedlamely.
“C’mon,Skeeve.Give.”
“What?”
“Evenyouneedmoreevidencethanthatbeforeyougooffhalf-cocked.Whatareyouholdingback?”
Hehadme.IwasjustafraidthathewasgoingtofindmyrealreasonevenlessbelievablethantheoneIhadalreadystated.
“Okay,”Isaidwithasigh.“Ifyoureallywanttoknow,whatfinallyconvincedmewasthatGleepdoesn’tlikeher.”
“Gleep?Youmeanthatstupiddragonofyours?ThatGleep?”
“Gleepisn’tst...”
“Partner,yourdragondoesn’tlikeme!Thatdoesn’tmakemetheAx!!”
“He’snevertriedtofryyou,either!”
Thatonestoppedhimforamoment.“Hedidthat?HereallyletflyatBunny?”
“That’sright.IfNunziohadn’tbeenthere...”
Asifsummonedbythementionofhisname,thebodyguardstuckhisheadintotheroom.
“Hey,Boss!DonBruceishere.”
“Showhimin.”
“Istillthinkyou’remakingamistake,”Aahzwarned,leaningagainstawall.
“Maybe,”Isaidgrimly.“WithluckI’llgetDonBrucetoconfirmmysuspicionsbeforeIshowmycards.”
“ThisI’vegottosee.”
“Thereyouare,Skeeve.Theboyssaidyouwantedtoseeme.”
DonBruceistheMob’sfairygodfather.I’veneverseenhimdressedinanythingthatwasn’tlavender,andtodaywasnoexception.Hisensembleincludedshorts,sandals,afloppybrimmedhat,andasportsshirtwithlargedarkpurpleflowersprintedalloverit.MaybemywardrobesessionswithBunnyweremakingme
overlysensitiveonthesubjectofclothes,buthisattirehardlyseemedappropriateforoneofthemostpowerfulmenintheMob.
Evenhisdarkglasseshadvioletlenses.
“Youknow,thisisquiteaplaceyougothere.Neverbeenherebefore,butIheardalotaboutitintheyearlyreport.Itdoesn’tlookthisbigfromtheoutside.”
“Weliketokeepalowprofile,”Isaid.
“Yeah,Iknow.It’slikeIkeeptellin’‘embackatMobCentral,yourunaclassoperation.Ilikethat.Makesusalllookgood.”
Iwasstartingtofeelalittleuncomfortable.ThelastthingIwantedtodiscusswithDonBrucewasourcurrentoperation.
“Likesomewine?”Aahzchimedin,comingtomyrescue.
“It’salittleearly,butwhynot?So!Whatisityouwantedtoseemeabout?”
“It’saboutBunny.”
“Bunny?Ohyeah.How’ssheworkin’out?”
EvenifIhadn’talreadybeensuspicious,DonBruce’sresponsewouldhaveseemedoverlycasual.Aahzcaughtittoo,raisinghiseyebrowagainashepouredthewine.
“Ithoughtweshouldhavealittlechataboutwhyyousentherhere.”
“What’stochatabout?Youneededamoll,andIfigured...”
“Imeantherealreason.”
Ourguestpaused,glancedbackandforthbetweenAahzandmeacoupleoftimes,thenshruggedhisshoulders.“Shetoldyou,huh?Funny,Iwouldhavethoughtthatwasonesecretshewouldhavekept.”
“Actually,Ifigureditoutallbymyself.Infact,whenthesubjectcameup,shedeniedit.”
“Alwayssaidyouweresmart,Skeeve.NowIseeyou’resmartenoughtogetmetoadmittowhatyoucouldn’ttrickoutofBunny.Prettygood.”
IshotatriumphantglanceatAahz,whowassuddenlyverybusywiththewine.DespitemyfeelingofvictoryoverhavingpuzzledouttheidentityoftheAx,Iwasstillmorethanalittleannoyed.
“WhatIcan’tfigureout,”Isaid,“iswhyyoutrieditinthefirstplace.I’vealwaysplayeditprettystraightwithyou.”
AtleastDonBrucehadthegracetolookembarrassed.“Iknow,Iknow.Itseemedlikeagoodideaatthetime,isall.Iwasinabitofaspot,anditseemedlikeaharmlesswayout.”
“Harmless?Harmless!That’smywholelifeandcareerwe’retalkingabout.”
“Hey!C’mon,Skeeve.Aren’tyouexaggeratingalittlebitthere!Idon’tthink...”
“Exaggerating??”
“Well,Istillthinkyou’dmakeagoodhusbandforher...”
“Exaggerating?Aahz,areyoulisteningto...”
AsIturnedtoappealtomypartner,Inoticedhewaslaughingsohardhewasspillingthewine.OfallthereactionsImighthaveexpectedfromhim,laughingwasn’t...
Thenithitme.
“Husband?!?!?”
“Ofcourse.Isn’tthatwhatwe’vebeentalkin’about?”
“SkeeveherethinksthatyournieceistheAxandthatyouturnedherlooseonhimtodestroyhiscareer,”mypartnermanagedbetweengasps.
“TheAx???”
“HUSBAND????”
“Areyoucrazy??”
“Oneofusis!!”
“Howaboutboth?”Aahzgrinned,steppingbetweenus.“Wine,anyone?”
“Buthesaid...”
“Whatabout...”
“Gentlemen,gentlemen.It’sclearthatcommunicationshavegottenalittlefouledupbetweenthetwoofyou.Isuggestyoueachtakesomewineandwe’llstartalloveragainfromthetop.”
Almostmechanically,webothreachedforthewine,eyeingeachotherallthewhilelikeangrycats.
“Verygood,”mypartnernodded.“Nowthen,DonBruce,asthevisitingteamIbelieveyouhavefirstserve.”
“What’sthisabouttheAx!?!”themobsterdemanded^leaningforwardsosuddenlyhalfthewinesloshedoutofhisglass.
“YouknowwhotheAxis??”
“Iknowwhatheis!Thequestionis,whatdoeshehavetodowithyouandBunny?”
“We’reheardrecentlythatsomeone’shiredtheAxtodoanumberonSkeeve,”Aahzsupplied.
“...RightaboutthesametimeBunnyshowedup,”Iadded.
“Andthat’ssupposedtomakehertheAx?”
“Well,therehasbeensometroublesinceshearrived.”
“Likewhat?”
“Well...TanandaleftbecauseofthingsthatweresaidwhenshefoundoutthatBunnywasinmybedroomonemorning.”
“Tananda?ThesameTanandathatsaid‘Hi’tomewhenIwalkedinheretoday?”
“She...ummm...cameback.”
“Isee.Whatelse?”
“Shescaredoffmygirlfriend.”
“Girlfriend?Yougotagirlfriend?”
“Well,notexactly...butImighthavehadoneifBunnywasn’there.”
“Uh-huh.Aahz,haven’tyouevertoldhimthe‘birdinthehand’story?”
“Itry,butheisn’tbigonlistening.”
Icanalwayscountonmypartnertorallytomydefenseintimesofcrisis.
“Whatelse?”
“Ummm...”
“Tellhim!”Aahzsmiled.
“Tellmewhat?”
“Mydragondoesn’tlikeher.”
“I’mnotsurprised.She’snevergottenalongwithanimals...atleastthefour-footedkind.Idon’tseewherethatmakeshertheAx,though.”
“It’s...it’sjustthatontopoftheotherevidence...”
MyvoicetrailedoffinfrontofDonBruce’sstonystare.
“Youknow,Skeeve,”hesaidatlast.“AsmuchasIlikeyou,therearetimes,likenow,Iwishyouwasontheothersideofthelaw.IftheD.A.sputtogetheracaselikeyoudo,wecouldcutourbribebudgetbyninetypercent,andourattorney’sfeesbyahundredpercent!”
“But...”
“Nowlistenclose,‘causeI’monlygoin’togooverthisonce.You’retherepresentativefortheMob,andme,hereattheBazaar.Ifyoulookbad,thenwelookbad.Gotit?Whatpossiblesensewoulditmakeforustohiresomeonetomakeyou,andus,lookbad?”
Ontheropes,IglancedatAahzforsupport.
“ThatwasgoingtobethenextquestionIwasgoingtoask,partner.”
Terrific.
“Well,”DonBruceannounced,standingup.“Ifthat’ssettled,IguessIcangonow.”
“Notsofast,”mypartnersmiled,holdingupahand.“There’sstillthematterofthequestionthatSkeeveasked:ifBunnyisn’ttheAx,what’sshedoinghere?Whatwasthatyouweresayingaboutahusband?”
Themobstersankbackintohischairandreachedforhiswine,allthewhileavoidingmyeyes.
“I’mnotgettin’anyyounger,”hesaid.“SomedayI’mgoin’toretire,andIthoughtIshouldmaybestartlookin’aroundforareplacement.It’salwaysnicetohave‘eminthefamily...therealfamily,Imean,andsinceIgotanunmarriedniece...”
“Whoa!Waitaminute,”Aahzinterrupted.“Areyousayingthatyou’reconsideringSkeeveasyoureventualreplacementintheMob?”
“It’sapossibility.Whynot?LikeIsaid,herunsaclassoperationandhe’ssmart...atleastIusedtothinkso.”
“DonBruceI...Idon’tknowwhattosay,”Isaidhonestly.
“Thendon’tsaynothin’!”herespondedgrimly.“Whatever’sgoin’tohappenisalongwayoff.That’swhyIdidn’tsayanythingtoyoudirect.I’mnotreadytoretireyet.”
“Oh.”Ididn’tknowwhethertofeeldisappointmentorrelief.
“AboutBunny?”mypartnerprompted.
Themobstershrugged.“What’stosaythathasn’talreadybeensaid?She’smyniece,he’soneofmyfavoritechieftains.Ithoughtitwouldbeagoodideatoput‘emclosetoeachotherandseeifanythinghappened.”
“I...Idon’tknow,”Isaidthoughtfully.“Imean,Bunny’sniceenough...especiallynowthatIknowsheisn’ttheAx.Ijustdon’tthinkI’mreadytogetmarriedyet.”
“Didn’tsayyouwere,”DonBruceshrugged.“Don’tgetmewrong,Skeeve.I’mnottryin’topushyouintothis.Iknowit’lltaketime.LikeIsaid,Ijustfixeditsoyoutwocouldmeetandseeifanythingdevelops...that’sall.Ifitworksout,fine.Ifitdoesn’t,alsofine.I’mnotabouttotrytoforcethingsorkidmyselfthatyoutwowillmakeapairifyouwon’t.Ifnothingelse,you’vegotaprettygoodaccountantwhileyoufindout...andfromlookin’overyourfinancialfiguresyoucoulduseone.”
“Izzatso?”
HehadfinallytweakedAahzclosetohome...orhiswallet,whichinhiscaseisthesamething.
“What’swrongwithourfinances?We’redoingokay.”
“Okayisn’tsoarin’.Youboysgotnoplan.ThewayIseeit,you’vespentsomuchtimelivin’hand-to-mouthyou’veneverlearnedwhattodowithmoneyexceptstackitandspendit.Bunnycanshowyouhowtomakeyourmoneyworkforyou.”
Aahzrubbedhischinthoughtfully.Itwasinterestingtoseemypartnercaughtbetweenprideandgreed.
“Idunno,”hesaidatlast.“Itsoundsgood,andwe’llprobablylookintoiteventually,butwe’realittletightrightnow.”
“ThewayIhearit,you’retightallthetime,”DonBrucecommenteddryly.
“No.Imeanrightnowwe’rereallytightforfinances.We’vegotalotofcapitaltiedupinthebiggametonight.”
“Biggame?Whatbiggame?”
“SkeeveisgoingheadtoheadwiththeSen-SenAnteKidatdragonpokertonight.It’sachallengematch.”
“That’swhyIwantedtotalktoyouaboutBunny,”Isaid.“SinceIthoughtshewastheAx,Ididn’twantheraroundtocausetroubleatthegame.”
“Whydidn’tanyonetellmeaboutthisgame?”DonBrucedemanded.“Itwasn’tinyourreport!”
“It’scomeupsincethen.”
“Whatarethestakes?”
IlookedatAahz.IhadbeensobusytryingtolearnhowdragonpokerwasplayedthatIhadnevergottenaroundtoaskingaboutthestakes.
Forsomereason,mypartnersuddenlylookeduncomfortable.
“Tablestakes,”hesaid.
“Tablestakes?”Ifrowned.“What’sthat?”
Ihalf-expectedhimtotellmehe’dexplainlater,butinsteadheaddressedthesubjectwithsurprisingenthusiasm.
“Inatablestakesgame,eachofyoustartswithacertainamountofmoney.Thenyouplayuntiloneofyouisoutofchips,or...”
“Iknowwhattablestakesare,”DonBruceinterrupted.“WhatIwanttoknowishowmuchyou’replayingfor.”
Aahzhesitated,thenshrugged.“Aquarterofamillioneach.”.
“AQUARTEROFAMILLION???”
Ihadn’thitthatnotesincemyvoicechanged.
“Didn’tyouknow?”themobsterscowled.
“Wehadn’ttoldhim,”mypartnersighed.“Iwasafraidthatifheknewwhatthestakeswere,he’dclutch.Wewerejustgoingtogivehimthestackofchipstoplaywithouttellinghimhowmuchtheywereworth.”
“Aquarterofamillion?”Irepeated,alittlehoarserthistime.
“See?”Aahzgrinned.“You’reclutching.”
“But,Aahz,dowehaveaquarterofamilliontospare?”
Mypartner’sgrinfadedandhestartedavoidingmyeyes.
“Icananswerthatone,Skeeve,”DonBrucesaid.
“Noonehasaquarterofamilliontospare.Evenifyou’vegotit,youdon’thaveittospare,knowwhatImean?”
“It’snotgoingtotakeallourmoney,”Aahzsaidslowly.“Theothershavechippedinoutoftheirsavings,too:Tananda,Chumley,Massha,evenGuidoandNunzio.We’veallgotapieceoftheaction.”
“Ustoo,”themobsterdeclared.“PuttheMobdownforhalf.”
I’mnotsurewhowasmoresurprised,Aahzorme.
ButAahzrecoveredfirst.
“That’sniceofyou,DonBruce,butyoudon’tunderstandwhat’sreallyhappeninghere.Skeevehereisarankbeginneratthegame.Hehadoneluckynight,andbythetimetherumormillgotthroughwithit,hehaddrawnachallengefromtheKid.Hecan’trefusewithoutlookingfoolish,andwiththeAxontheloosewecan’taffordanybadpresswecanavoid.That’swhywe’repoolingourmoney,soSkeevecangointhereandlosegracefully.Theactualoutcomeispreordained.TheKid’sgoingtoeathimalive.”
“...Andmaybeyouweren’tlisteningearlier,”themobstershotback.“IfSkeevelooksbad,welookbad.
TheMobbacksitspeople,especiallywhenitcomestopublicimage.Winorlose,we’reinforhalf,okay?”
“Ifyousayso,”Aahzshrugged.
“...Andtrytosavemeacoupleseats.I’mgonnawanttoseemyboyinaction-firsthand.”
“It’llcost!”
“DidIask?Just...“
Iwasn’treallylisteningtotheconversationanymore.
Ihadn’trealizedbeforejusthowsolidlymyfriendswerebehindme.
Aquarterofamillion...
Rightthensomethingsolidifiedinmymindthathadbeenhoveringthereforseveraldaysnow.Whatevertheothersthought,Iwasgoingtotrymybesttowinthisgame!
ChapterSeventeen:“Shutupanddeal!”
-F.D.R.
THEREwasanauraofexpectationovertheBazaarthatnightaswesetoutfortheEven-Odds.AtfirstIthoughtIwasjustseeingthingsdifferentlybecauseofmyanticipationandnervousness.Aswewalked,however,itbecamemoreandmoreapparentthatitwasnotsimplymyimagination.
Notasinglevendororshopshillapproachedus,notaDeveelhaileduswithaproposedbargain.Onthecontrary,asweproceededalongtheaisles,conversationandbusinessgroundtoahaltaseveryoneturnedtowatchuspass.Afewcalledouttheirwishesof“goodluck”orfriendlygibesaboutseeingmeafterthegame,butforthemostparttheysimplystaredinsilentfascination.
IfIhadeverhadanydoubtsastotheexistenceorextentoftherumormillandgrapevineattheBazaar,thatnightputthemtorestforever.EverybodyandImeaneverybodyknewwhoIwas,whereIwasgoing,andwhatwaswaitingforme.
Insomewaysitwasfun.I’venotedearlierthatIgenerallykeptalowprofileintheimmediateneighborhoodandhavegottenusedtowalkingaroundunnoticed.Myrecentshoppingtripshadgainedmeacertainnotoriety,butitwasnothingcomparedtothis.Tonight,Iwasafull-blowncelebrity!Realizingtheuncertaintyofthegame’soutcome,Idecidedtoseizethemomentandplaymyparttothehilt.
Toacertaindegreeitwaseasy.Wealreadymadequiteaprocession.GuidoandNunzioweredeckedoutintheirworkingclothesoftrenchcoatsandweaponsandprecededus,clearingapaththroughthegawkers.
TanandaandChumleybroughtuptherearlookingpositivelygrimastheyeyeballedanyonewhoseemedtobeedgingtooclose.Aahzwaswalkingjust
aheadofme,carryingourstakemoneyintwolargebags.Ifanyoneentertainedthethoughtofinterceptingusforthemoney,alltheyhadtodowaslookatAahz’sswaggerandthegleaminhisyelloweyes,andtheywouldsuddenlydecidetherewereeasierwaystogetrich...likewrestlingdragonsorpanningforgoldinaswamp.
WehadleftMarkiebackatourplaceoverherloudandindignantprotests.Ihadstoodfirm,though.Thisgamewasgoingtoberoughenoughwithouthavingheraroundasadistraction.Masshahadvolunteeredtostaywithher,claimingshewasfartoonervousaboutthegametoenjoywatchingitanyway.
BunnywasdeckedoutinaclingingoutfitinbrilliantwhiteandhungonmyarmlikeIwasthemostimportantthinginherlife.Morethanafewenviouseyesdartedfromhertomeandbackagain.
Noonewaskiddinganyone,though,astowhothecenterofattentionwas.Youguessedit.Me!Afterall,IwastheoneonmywaytolockhornswiththelegendarySen-SenAnteKidonhisownterrain...acardtable.
Bunnyhadchosenmyclothesforme,andIwasresplendentinadarkmaroonopen-neckedshirtwithlightcharcoalgrayslacksandvest.Ifeltandlookedlikeamillion...well,makethataquarterofamillion.IfIwasgoingtohavemyheadhandedtometonight,Iwasatleastgoingtobeabletoacceptitinstyle...whichwasthewholepointofthisexerciseanyway.
Ididn’teventrytomatchAahz’sstrut,knowingIwouldonlysufferbycomparison.Instead,Icontentedmyselfwithmaintainingaslow,measured,dignifiedpaceasInoddedandwavedatthewell-wishers.Theideawastoexudeunhurriedconfidence.Inactuality,itmademefeellikeIwasonthewaytothegallows,butIdidmybesttohideitandkeepsmiling.
ThecrowdsgotprogressivelythickeraswenearedtheEven-Odds,andIrealizedwithsomeastonishmentthatthiswasbecauseofthegame.Thosewithoutthecloutorthemoneytogetspaceinsidewereloiteringaroundtheareainhopesofbeingoneofthefirsttohearaboutthegame’soutcome.IhadknownthatgamblingwasbigattheBazaar,butIneverthoughtitwasthispopular.
Theassemblagemeltedawaybeforeus,clearingapathtothedoor.Ibegantorecognizefacesinthecrowd,peopleIknew.TherewasGuswavingenthusiasticallyatme,andoverthere...
“Vic!”
Iveeredfromourstraightlineandthewholeprocessiongroundtoahalt.
“Hi,Skeeve!”thevampiresmiled,clappingmeontheshoulder.“Goodlucktonight!”
“I’mgoingtoneedit!”Iconfided.“Seriously,though,I’vebeenmeaningtostopbyandthankyouforyourwarningabouttheAx.”
Vic’sfacefell.“Youmighthavetroublefindingme.I’mabouttolosemyoffice.”
“Really?Isbusinessthatbad?”
“Worse.There’sanawfullotofcompetitionhere.”
“Well,tellyouwhat.Whydon’tyoustopbymyplacetomorrowandwe’lltalk.Maybewecanworkoutasmallloanormaybeevensubcontractsomeassignmentsuntilyou’reestablished.”
“Gee.Thanks,Skeeve!”
Asuddeninspirationhitme.“Comebyaroundnoon.We’lldolunch!”
Itseemedlikeareallygoodideatome.Iwonderedwhybusinessmenhadn’tthoughtoftalkingoutideasoverlunchbefore!Forsomereason.Vicwincedbeforereturningmysmile.
“Lunchitis,”hesaid.
“Umm...Ihatetointerrupt,partner,butyoudohaveanappointmentyou’resupposedtobeat.”
“Right,Aahz.Vic!Tomorrow!”
Withthat,IallowedmyselftobeusheredintotheEven-Odds.
ArippleofapplausebrokeoutasIenteredthemainbarandgamingroom,andIbarelycaughtmyselffromturningtolookbehindme.Formeoragainstme,thepeoplewereheretowatchthegameandifnothingelseweregratefultomefor
providingtheevening’sentertainment.
Terrific.Iwasabouttoriskaquarterofamillioningoldsothatfolkswouldn’thavetowatchsummerreruns.
TheclubhadbeenrearrangedsincethelasttimeIwasthere.Onecardtablestoodaloneinthecenteroftheroom,whilescoresofpeoplelinedthewalls.Whilethecrowdoutsidemighthavebeenlarger,thegroupinsidetheclubmadeupwithcloutwhattheylackedinnumbers.WhileIdidn’tbegintorecognizeeveryone,theonesIdidspotledmetobelievethatthe‘Who’sWho’ofDevawasassembledtowatchthegame.Hayner,mylandlordandleaderoftheDevanChamberofCommercewastherealongwithhisusualclutchofcronies.Henoddedpolitelywhenoureyesmet,butIsuspectedhewasreallyhopingtoseemelose.
DonBrucewasthereaspromised,andraisedhishandsoverhishead,clenchedthemtogether,andgavethemabriefshake,smilingallthewhile.Iguesseditwassomesignofencouragement.Attheveryleast,IhopedIwasn’tbeinghailedwithsomesecretMobdeathsign.Ofcourse,thatdidn’toccurtomeuntilafterIhadwavedback.
“Skeeve.SKEEVE!Haveyougotamoment?”
IglancedaroundtofindtheGeekstandingatmyelbow.
“Sure,Geek,”Ishrugged.“WhatcanIdoforyou?”
TheDeveelseemedextremelynervous,hiscomplexionseveralshadesoffitsnormalhue.“I...youcanpromisenottoholdagrudge.Ipromiseyouthattonightwasnoneofmydoing.AllIdidwasmakethearrangementsaftertheKidissuedthechallenge.Ididn’tgivehimyourname...honest.”
Tosaytheleast,Ifoundhisattitudesurprising.
“Sure,Geek.Ineverthoughtyou...”
“IfIhadknownitwouldleadtothis,Ineverwouldhaveinvitedyoutomygameinthefirstplace,muchless...”
Iwassuddenlyveryalert.
“Waitaminute.Geek!Whatareyoutalkingabout?“
“You’reout-classed!”theDeveelexplained,glancingaroundfearfully.“Youdon’tstandachanceagainsttheKid.Ijustwantyoutounderstand,ifyouloseallyourmoneytonight,thatIdidn’tmeantosetyouup.Idon’twantyouoryourcrewlookingformewithbloodinyourrespectiveeyes.”
Now,asyouknow,IknewthatIwasout-classed.WhatintriguedmewasthattheGeekknewit,too.“Geek,Ithinkwe’dbetter...”
Aloudburstofapplauseandcheersinterruptedme.
BythetimeIgotthroughcraningmynecktoseewhatwasgoingon,theGeekhaddisappearedintothecrowd.
Withthatdiscussionclosed,Iturnedmyattentionagaintothesubjectathand.
“Who’sthat?”Isaid,noddingtowardthefigurethathadjustenteredtheclub.
Aahzslidacomfortingarmaroundmyshoulders.
“That’shim.That’stheSen-SenAnteKid.”
“THAT’StheKid???!!”
Themaninthedoorwasenormous,hewashuge...thatistosay,hewasMassha’ssize.Forsomereason,Ihadbeenexpectingsomeoneclosertomyownage.Thischaracter,though,wassomethingelse.
Hewastotallyhairless,nobeard,noeyebrows,andcompletelybald.Hisskinwaslightblueincolor,andthatcombinedwithhisfatandwrinklesgavetheoverallimpressionofahalf-deflatedbluebowlingball.Hiseyeswereextremelydark,however,andglitteredslightlyastheyfixedonme.
“That’stheKid?”Irepeated.
Aahzshrugged.“He’shadthetitleforalongtime.”
Theman-mountainhadtwobagswithhimwhichlookedverysimilartotheonesAahzhadcarriedforus.
Hehandedthemcasuallytooneoftheonlookers.
“Cashmein!”heorderedinaboomingvoice.“Ihearthere’sagameheretonight.”
Forsomereason,thisbroughtaloudroundoflaughterandapplausefromtheaudience.Ididn’tthinkitwasallthatfunny,butIsmiledpolitely.TheKid’seyesnotedmylackofenthusiasmandglitteredwithincreasedferocity.
“YoumustbetheGreatSkeeve.”
Hisvoicewasadangerouspurr,butitstillreverberatedoffthewalls.Hemovedtowardmewithasurprisinglylighttread,holdingouthishandinwelcome.
Thecrowdseemedtoholditsbreath.
“...AndyoumustbetheonetheycalltheSen-SenAnteKid.”Iresponded,abandoningmyhandintohisgrip.
AgainIwassurprised...thistimebythegentlenessofhishandshake.
“Ijusthopeyourmagicisn’tasgoodasyourreputation.”
“That’sfunny,Iwasjusthopingyourluckisasbadasyourjokes.”
Ididn’tmeantobeoffensive.ThewordsjustkindofslippedoutbeforeIcouldstopthem.
TheKid’sfacefroze.
Iwishedsomeoneelsewouldsaysomethingtochangethesubject,buttheroomechoedwithdeathlyquiet.
Suddenly,myopponentthrewhisheadbackandlaughedheartily.“Ilikethat!”hedeclared.“Youknow,nooneelsehaseverhadthenervetotellmemyjokesstink.I’mstartingtoseewhereyouhadthegutstoacceptmylittlechallenge.”
Theroomcametolife,everybodytalkingorlaughingatthesametime.IfeltlikeIhadjustpassedsomekindofinitiationritual.Awaveofreliefbrokeoverme...butitwastingedwithsomethingelse.IfoundmyselflikingtheKid.Youngor
not,hewasdefinitelynottheboogey-manIhadbeenexpecting.
“Thanks,Kid,”Isaidquietly,takingadvantageofthecovernoise.“Imustadmit,Iappreciatesomeoneelsewhocanlaughatthemselves.Ihavetodoitsooftenmyself.”
“Ain’tthatthetruth,”hemurmuredback,glancingaroundtobesurenooneelsewaslisteningin.“Ifyouletit,allthisstuffcangotoyourhead.Say,wouldyoulikeadrinkorsomethingbeforewegetstarted?”
“ThatconfidentI’mnot,”Ilaughed.“Iwanttohaveaclearheadwhenwesquareoff.”
“Suityourself,”heshrugged.
BeforeIcouldsayanythingelse,heturnedtothecrowdandraisedhisvoiceagain.“Canyoukeepitdown?”heroared.“We’rereadytoplaycardsuphere!”
Likemagic,thenoisestoppedandalleyesturnedtothetwoofusagain.
IfoundmyselfwishingIhadacceptedthedrink.
ChapterEighteen:“Castyourfatetothewinds.”
-L.BERNSTEIN
THEtablewaswaitingforus.Therewereonlytwochairswithchipsstackedneatlyinfrontofthem.
IhadasuddenmomentofpanicwhenIrealizedIdidn’tknowwhichchairwasfacingsouth,butAahzcametomyrescue.Dartingoutofthecrowd,hepulledoutonechairandhelditformetositin.Tothecrowditlookedlikeapolitegesture,butmyfriendsknewIhadcomedangerouslyclosetochangingtherulesIhadlaboredsohardtomemorize.
“Cards!”theKidordered,holdingoutonehandasheeasedintothechairfacingme.
Anewdeckmaterializedinhishand.Heexamineditlikeaglassoffinewine,holdingituptothelighttobesurethewrappingwasintactandevensniffingthesealtobesurethefactorygluewasthesame.
Satisfied,heofferedthedecktome.IsmiledandspreadmyhandstoshowIwassatisfied.Imean,heck!
Ifhehadn’tfoundanythingwrong,itwasacinchthatIwouldn’tbeabletodetectanyfoulplay.
Thegestureseemedtoimpresshimthough,andhegavemeasmallbowbeforeopeningthedeck.Oncethecardswereoutofthebox,hispudgyfingersseemedtotakeonalifeoftheirown.Movingswiftly,theyremovedthejokersandcastthemaside,thenbeganpeelingcardsoffthedecktwoatatime,onefromthetopandonefromthebottom.
Watchingtheprocess,Ibegantorealizewhyhishandshakehadbeensogentle.Largeastheywere,thisfingersweregraceful,delicate,andsensitiveasthey
wentabouttheirtask.Thesewerenotthehandsofaroughlaborer,orevenafighter.Theyexistedtodoonething:tohandleadeckofcards.
Bynowthedeckhadbeenroughmixed.TheKidscoopedupthepile,squaredit,thengaveitseveralquickshuffles.Hismovesweresoprecisehedidn’tevenhavetore-squarethedeckwhenhewasdone...justsetitonthecenterofthetable.
“Cutfordeal?“heasked.
Irepeatedmyearliergesture.“Bemyguest.”
EventhisseemedtoimpresstheKid...andthecrowd.Alowmurmurrippledaroundtheroomastheplusesandminusesofmymovewerediscussed.ThetruthofthematterwasthatafterwatchingtheKidhandlethedeck,Iwasembarrassedtoshowmyownlackofskill.
Hereachedforthedeck,andthecardssprangtolifeagain.Withahypnoticrhythmhebegancuttingthedeckandriffingthecardstogether,allthewhilestaringatmewithunblinkingeyes.IknewIwasbeingpsychedout,butwaspowerlesstofighttheeffect.
“Fortheante,shallwesayonethousand?”
“Let’ssayfivethousand.”Ireturned.
Therhythmfaltered.TheKidrealizedhehadslippedandmovedswiftlytocoverit.Settingthecardsasideforamoment,hereachedforhischips.
“Fivethousanditis,”hesaid,tossingahandfulintothecenterofthetable.“And...mytrademark.”
Asmallwhitebreathmintfollowedthechipsintothepot.
Iwascountingoutmyownchipswhensomethingoccurredtome.
“Howmuchisthatworth?”Isaid,pointingatthemint.
Thatsurprisedmyopponent.
“What?Themint?Onecopperaroll.Butyoudon’thaveto...”
BeforehehadfinishedspeakingIaddedasmallcointomychips,pushedthemintothecenterofthetable,grabbedhismint,andpoppeditintomymouth.
Thistimetheaudienceactuallygaspedbeforelapsingintosilence.Forseveralheartbeatstherewasnosoundintheroomexceptthemintcrunchingbetweenmyteeth.Ialmostregrettedmyboldmove.Themintwasincrediblystrong.
FinallytheKidgrinned.
“Isee.Youeatmyluck,eh?Good.Verygood.You’llfind,though,thatittakesmorethanthattodisturbmygame.”
Histonewasjovial,buthiseyesdarkenedevenmorethantheyhadbeenandhisshufflingtookonasharper,morevengefultone.IknewIhasscoredahit.
IstoleaglanceatAahz,whowinkedatmebroadly.
“Cut!”
Thedeckwasinfrontofme.Movingwithforcednonchalance,Icutthedeckroughlyinhalf,thenleanedbackinmychair.WhileItriedtoappearcasual,insideIwascrossingmyfingersandtoesandeverythingelsecrossable.Ihaddevisedmystrategyonmyownandhadn’tdiscusseditwithanyone...notevenAahz.Nowwegottoseehowitworked.
Onecard...twocards...threecardscameglidingacrossthetabletome,facedown.Theyslidtoastopneatlyaligned,anothertributetotheKid’sskill,andlaytherelikelandmines.
Iignoredthem,waitingforthenextcard.
Itcame,coastingtoastopfaceupnexttoitsbrethren.ItwasthesevenofdiamondsandtheKiddealthimself...
Thetenofdiamonds.Aten!
TherulescamebacktomelikeasongIdidn’twanttoremember.Atenfaceupmeantmysevenwasdead...valueless.
“Somuchforeatingmyluck,eh?”theKidchuckled,takingaquickglanceathisholecards.“Mytenwillgo...fivethousand.”
“...Andupfive.”
Thegaspfromthecrowdwaslouderthistime...possiblybecausemycoacheshadjoinedin.IheardAahzclearhisthroatnoisily,butwouldn’tlookinhisdirection.TheKidwasstaringatmeinundisguisedsurprise.Apparentlyhehadeitherexpectedmetofoldorcall...possiblybecausethatwouldhavebeenthesanethingtodo.
“You’reawfullyproudofthatdeadcard,”hesaidthoughtfully.“Allright.I’llcall.Pot’sright.”
Twomorecardsfloatedontothetablefaceup.Igotaten!Thetenofclubs,tobespecific.Thatcanceledhistenandmademysevenliveagain.
TheKidgottheunicornofhearts.Wildcard!NowIhadten-sevenhighagainsthispairoftensshowing.
Terrific.
“Iwon’ttrytokidyou.”Myopponentsmiled.“Apairoftensisworth...twentythousand.”
“...Anduptwenty.”
TheKid’ssmilefaded.Hiseyesflickedquicklytomycards,thenhenodded.“Call.”
Nocomment.Nowittybanter.Ihadhimthinking.
Thenextcardswereenroute.Thethreeofheartsslidintomylineup.Adeadcard.Opposingit,theKidgot...
Thetenofhearts!
Iwasnowlookingatthreetensagainstmyten-sevenhigh!Foramomentmyresolvewavered,butIshoreditupagain.Iwasintoofartochangenow.
TheKidwaseyeingmethoughtfully.“Idon’tsupposeyou’dgothirtyonthat?”hesaid.
“I’llnotonlygoit,I’llraiseyouthirty.”
Thereweremuffledexclamationsofdisbeliefintheroom...andsomenotsomuffled.Irecognizedthevoicesofsomeofthelatter.
TheKidjustshookhisheadandpushedtheappropriatenumberofchipsintothepotwithoutaword.
Thecrowdlapsedintosilenceandcranedtheirneckstoseethenextcards.
Thedragonofspadestome,andtheogreofheartstotheKid.
Noapparenthelpforeitherhand...exceptthatnowtheKidhadthreeheartsfaceup.
Webothstudiedeachother’scardsforafewmoments.
“I’lladmitIcan’tfigureoutwhatyou’rebetting,Skeeve,”myopponentsighed.“Butthishand’sworthfifty.”
“...Andupfifty.”
Insteadofresponding,theKidleanedbackinhischairandstaredatme.
“Checkmeonthis,”hesaid.“EitherI’vemisseditcompletely,oryouhaven’tlookedatyourholecardsyet.”
“That’sright.”
Thecrowdstartedmutteringagain.Atleastsomeofthemhadmissedthatpoint.
“Soyou’rebettingblind?”
“Right.”
“...Andraisingintometoboot.”
Inodded.
“Idon’tgetit.Howdoyouexpecttowin?”
IregardedhimforamomentbeforeIanswered.Tosaytheleast,Ihadtheroom’sundividedattention.
“Kid,you’rethebestthereisatdragonpoker.You’vespentyearshoningyourskillstobethebest,andnothingthathappensheretonightisgoingtochangethat.Me,I’mlucky...ifyoucancallitthat.Igotluckyonenight,andthatsomehowearnedmethechancetoplaythisgamewithyoutonight.That’swhyI’mbettingthewayIam.”
TheKidshookhishead.“MaybeI’mslow,butIstilldon’tgetit.”
“Inthelongrun,yourskillwouldbeatmyluck.Italwaysdoes.IfiguretheonlychanceI’vegotistojuicethebettingonthisonehand...goforbroke.Alltheskillinthedimensionscan’tchangetheoutcomeofonehand.That’sluck...whichputsusonanequalfooting.”
Myopponentdigestedthisforafewmoments,thenthrewbackhisheadandgaveabarkoflaughter.
“Iloveit!”hecrowed.“Ahalfmillionpotridingononehand.Skeeve,Ilikeyourstyle.Winorlose,it’sbeenapleasurematchingwitswithyou.”
“Thankyou.Kid.Ifeelthesameway.”
“Inthemeantime,there’sthishandtoplay.Ihatetokeepallthesepeoplehanginginsuspensewhenwealreadyknowhowthebetting’sgoingtogo.”
Heswepttherestofhischipsintothepot.“I’llcallyourraiseandraiseyouback...thirty-five.That’sthewholestake,”
“Agreed,”Isaid,pushingmychipsout.
“Nowlet’sseewhatwegot,”hewinked,reachingforthedeck.
Thetwoofdiamondstome...theeightofclubstotheKid...thenonemorecardeachfacedown.
Thecrowdpressedforwardasmyopponentpeeredathislastcard.
“Skeeve,”hesaidalmostregretfully.“Youhadaninterestingstrategythere,butmyhand’sgood...realgood.”
Heflippedtwoofhisdowncardsover.
“FullDragon...fourOgresandapairoftens.”
“Nicehand,”Iacknowledged.
“Yeah.Right.Nowlet’sseewhatyou’vegot.”
WithasmuchpoiseasIcouldmuster,Iturnedovermyholecards.
ChapterNineteen:“Can’tyoutakeajoke?”
-T.EULENSPIEGEL
MASSHAlookedupfromherbookandbon-bonsaswetroopedthroughthedoor.
“Thatwasquick,”shesaid.“Howdiditgo?”
“Hi,Massha.Where’sMarkie?”
“Upstairsinherroom.Afterthesecondtimeshetriedtosneakout,Isenthertobedandtookupsentrydutyherebythedoor.Whathappenedatthegame?”
“Well,Istillsayyouwerewrong,”Aahzgrowled.“Ofallthedumbstuntsyou’vepulled...”
“C’mon,partner.What’sdoneisdone.Okay?You’rejustmadbecauseIdidn’tcheckwithyoufirst.”
“That’stheleastof...”
“WILLSOMEBODYTELLMEWHATHAPPENED?”
“What?Oh.Sorry,Massha.Iwon.Aahzhereisupsetbecause...”
Iwassuddenlysweptupinagargantuanhugandkissasmyapprenticeexpressedherdelightatthenews.
“I’llsayhewon.Inonehandhewon,”Tanandagrinned.“Neverseenanythinglikeit.”
“Threeunicornsandthesixofclubsinthehole,”Aahzraged.“Threewildcards,which,whenusedwiththeonce-a-nightsuitshiftruleonthesevenofdiamonds,
yields...”
“Astraight-bloody-flush!”Chumleysang.“WhichtooktheKid’sFullDragonandthelargestpotthat’severbeenseenattheBazaar.”
“Iknewyoucoulddoit,Daddy!”Markieshrieked,emergingfromherhidingspotonthestairs.
Somuchforsendinghertobedearly.
“IwishyoucouldhaveseentheKid’sface,Massha,”thetrollcontinuedmerrily.“I’llbethewishesnowthathecarriesantacidsinsteadofbreathmints.”
“Youshouldhaveseenthecrowd.They’regoingtobetalkingaboutthisoneforyears!”
Masshafinallyletmedownandheldupahand.
“Holdit!Waitaminute!IgetthefeelingI’vemissedalapheresomewhere.HotStuffherewon.Right?Asinwalkedawaywithallthemarbles?”
Thebrotherandsisterteamnoddedvigorously.Ijusttriedtogetmybreathback.
“SohowcomeGreenandScalyisbreathingsmoke?Ishouldthinkhe’dbeleadingthecheering.”
“BECAUSEHEGAVETHEMONEYAWAY!THAT’SWHY!!!”
“Yes.Thatwouldexplainit.”Masshanoddedthoughtfully.
“C’mon,Aahz!Ididn’tgiveitaway.”
AsI’vediscoveredbefore,it’saloteasiertofindyourbreathwhenyou’reunderattack.
“Whoa!Wait!”myapprenticesaid,steppingbetweenus.“Beforeyoutwogetstartedagain,talktoMassha.Remember,I’mtheonewhowasn’tthere.”
“Well,theKidandIgottotalkingafterthegame.He’sreallyaniceguy,andIfoundoutthathehadprettymuchbeenbettingeverythinghehad...”
“That’swhatheclaimed,”Aahzsnorted.“Ithinkhewasmakingaplayforoursympathies.”
“...andIgottothinking.IhadworkedhardtobesurethatboththeKid’sandmyreputationswouldbeintact,nomatterhowthegamecameout.WhatIreallywantedtodowastoretirefromthedragonpokercircuitandlethimtakeonallthehotshotchallengers...”
“ThatmuchI’llagreewith.”
“Aahz!Justlethimtellit.Okay?”
“...Buthecouldn’tkeepplayingifhewasbroke,whichwouldleavemeasthelogicaltargetfortheup-and-comings,soIlethimkeepthequarterofamillionhehadlost...”
“See!SEE!!!WhatdidItellyou?”
“...asaLOANsohecoulduseitasastakeinfuturegames....”
“That’swhenIknewhehad...aloan??”
Igrinnedatmypartner.
“Uh-huh.Asin‘putyourmoneytoworkforyouinsteadofstackingit,’aconceptIbelieveyoufoundveryinterestingwhenitwasfirstbroached.Ofcourse,youhadalreadygoneoffhalf-cockedandstompedawaybeforewegottothatpart.”
AnysarcasmIhadmanagedtoloadintomyvoicewaslostonAahz,whichisnotsurprisingwhenyourealizeweweretalkingaboutmoney.
“Aloan,eh?”hesaidthoughtfully.“Whatweretheterms?”
“Tellhim.Bunny.”
“BUNNY??”
“Hey!Youweren’tthere,remember?Idecidedtoseewhatouraccountantcoulddo.Bunny?”
“Well,I’veneverdealtwithstakemoneybefore,nopunintended,soIhadtokindoffeelmywayalong.IthinkIgotusaprettygoodarrangement,though.”
“Whichwas...”
“UntiltheKidpaysusback...andit’sgottobepaidbackinfull,nopartialpayments,wegethalfhiswinnings.”
“Hmmm,”mypartnermurmured.“Notbad.”
“IfyoucanthinkofanythingelseIshouldhaveaskedfor,I’mopento...”
“Ifhecouldthinkofanythingelse,”Isaid,winkingather,“youcanbelievehewouldhaveroareditoutbynow.Youdidgreat.Bunny.”
“Gee.Thanks,Skeeve.”
“Nowthen,ifsomeonewouldbesokindastobreakoutthewine,Ifeellikecelebrating.”
“Ofcourse,Boss,yourealizethatnowalotofpeopleknowthatyou’vegotalotofcashonhand,”Guidopointedout,edgingclosetome.“AssoonasNunziogetsback,Ithinkwe’dbettertakealookatbeefin’upsecurityontheplace,knowwhatImean?”
“WhereisNunzio,anyway?”Masshasaid,peeringaround.
“He’llbealonginabit,”Ismiled.“Ihadalittleerrandforhimafterthegame.”
“Well,here’stoyou,Skeeve!”Chumleycalled,liftinghisgobletaloft.“AfterallourworryingaboutwhetheryourreputationcouldsurviveamatchwiththeKid,Idaresayyoucameoutofitwellaheadofwhereyouwerebefore.”
“That’sright,”hissistergiggled.“IwonderwhattheAxthinksaboutwhathappened.”
ThatwasthecueIhadbeenwaitingfor.Itookadeepbreathandadeeperdrinkofwine,thenassumedmymostcasualmanner.
“Whybotherspeculating,Tananda?Whynotaskdirect?”
“What’sthat,Skeeve?”
“Isaid,whynotasktheAxdirectly?Afterall,she’sintheroomrightnow.”
Thegaietyofthemoodvanishedinaneyeblinkaseverybodystaredatme.
“Partner,”Aahzmurmured,“IthoughtwesettledthiswhenwetalkedtoDonBruce.”
Icuthimoffwiththewaveofahand.
“Asamatteroffact,I’malittlecuriousaboutwhattheAxisthinkingmyself.Whydon’tyoutellus...Markie?”
Myyoungwardsquirmedundertheroom’scombinedgaze.
“But,Daddy...Idon’t...you...oh,heck!Youfigureditout,huh?”
“Uh-huh.”Inodded,notfeelingatalltriumphant.
Sheheavedagreatsigh.“Oh,well.Iwasabouttothrowinthetowelanyway.IhadjusthopedIcouldbeataretreatbeforemycoverwasblown.Ifyoudon’tmind,I’dliketojoinyouinsomeofthatwinenow.”
“Helpyourself.”
“MARKIE?!?”
Aahzhadfinallyrecoveredenoughtomakenoise.Ofcourse,itcomesreflexivelytohim.Theotherswerestillworkingonit.
“Don’tletthelittle-girllooksfoolyou,Aahz,”shewinked.“Folksaresmallandsoftonmydimension.Intherightclothes,it’seasytopassyourselfoffasbeingyoungerthanyoureallyare...lotsyounger.”
“But...but...”
“Thinkaboutitforaminute,Aahz,”Isaid.“Youhadallthepiecesthefirstday.Kids,particularlylittlegirls,areembarrassingatbest,troubleatworst.Thetrickisthatyouexpectthemtobetrouble,soyoudon’tevenconsiderthepossibilitythatwhatthey’redoingcouldbepremeditatedandplanned.”
Ipausedtotakeasipofwine,andforoncenooneinterruptedmewithquestions.
“Ifyoulookbackonit,mostoftheproblemswe’vebeenhavinghaveoriginateddirectlyorindirectlyfromMarkie.ShemouthedoffaboutBunnybeinginmybedtogetTanandaupset,andwhenthatdidn’tworkshemadeafewdigsaboutherlivingherefreethatgotherthinkingaboutleaving...justlikeshedeliberatelymadeMasshalookbadinthemiddleofhermagiclessonforthesamereason,togethertoleave.”
“Almostworked,too,”myapprenticeobservedthoughtfully.
“ThebusinessintheBazaarwasnoaccident,either,”Icontinued.“Allshehadtodowaswaitfortherightopportunitytopretendtogetmadsowewouldn’tsuspectshewasblastingthingsdeliberately.Ifyourecall,sheeventriedtoconvincemethatIdidn’tneedtotakedragonpokerlessons.”
“Ofcourse,”Markieputin,“that’snoteasytodowhenpeoplethinkyou’reakid.”
“ThebiggestcluewasGleep.IthoughthewastryingtoprotectmefromBunny,butitwasMarkiehewasreallyafter.Ikeeptellingyouthathe’ssmarterthanyouthink.”
“Remindmetoapologizetoyourdragon,”Aahzsaid,stillstaringatMarkie.
“Itwasagoodplan,”shesighed.“Ninety-ninepercentofthetimeitwouldhaveworked.Theproblemwasthateveryoneunderestimatedyou,Skeeve...youandyourfriends.Ididn’tthinkyou’dhaveenoughmoneytopayofftheiratemerchantsafterIdidanumberontheirdisplays,andyourfriends...”Sheshookherheadslowly.“UsuallyifwordgetsoutthatI’monassignment,itmakesmyworkeasier.Thetarget’sassociatesbailouttokeepfromgettinghitinthecrossfire,andtryingtogetthemtostayorcomebackonlymakesthingsworse.Partofsinkingsomeone’scareeriscuttingthemofffromtheirsupportnetwork.”Sheraisedherwineinamocktoasttome.
“Yourfriendswouldn’trun...oriftheydid,theywouldn’tstaygoneoncetheyheardyouwereintrouble.That’swhenIstartedtohavesecondthoughtsaboutthisassignment.Imean,therearesomecareersthatshouldn’tbescuttled,andIthinkyoursisoneofthem.Youcantakethatasacompliment...it’smeantas
one.That’swhyIwasabouttocallitquitsanyway.Irealizedmyheartjustwasn’tinmyworkthistimearound.”
Shesetdownherwineandstoodup.
“Well,Iguessthat’sthat.I’llgoupstairsandpacknow.Makeyouadeal.IfyouallpromisenottotellanyonewhothefamousAxis,I’llspreadthewordthatyou’resoinvinciblethateventheAxcouldn’ttripyouup.Okay?”
Watchingherleavetheroom,IrealizedwithsomesurprisethatIwouldmissher.DespitewhatAahzhadsaid,ithadbeenkindofnicehavingakidaroundtheplace.
“That’sit?”mypartnerfrowned.“You’rejustgoingtoletherwalk?”
“Iwasthetarget.Ifigureitwasmycall.Besides,shedidn’tdoanyrealdamage.AsChumleypointedoutasecondago,we’refurtheraheadthanwewerewhenshearrived.”
“Ofcourse,there’sthematterofthedamageswehadtopayforherlittlemagicdisplayattheBazaar.”
Foronce,Iwasaheadofmypartnerwhenitcametomoney.
“Ihaven’tforgottenthat,Aahz.Ijustfiguretorecoupthelossfromanothersource.Yousee,whatfinallytippedmeoffwas...wait.Heretheyarenow.”
Nunziowasjustcomingintotheroom,draggingtheGeekwithhim.
“Hello,Skeeve,”theDeveelsaid,squirminginmybodyguard’sgrasp.“Your...ah,associateheresaysyouwantedtoseeme?”
“HetriedtosneakoutafterItoldhim.Boss,”Nunziosqueaked.“That’swhattookmesolong.”
“Hello,Geek,”Ipurred.“Haveaseat.Iwanttohavealittlechatwithyouaboutacardgame.”
“C’mon,Skeeve.Ialreadytoldyou...”
“Sit!”
TheGeekdroppedintotheindicatedchairlikegravityhadsuddenlytrebled.IhadborrowedthetoneofvoicefromNunzio’sdragon-trainingdemonstration.Itworked.
“WhattheGeekwasstartingtosay,”Iexplained,turningtoAahz,“isthatbeforethegametonighthewarnedmethatIwasovermatchedandaskedmenottohaveanyhardfeelings...thatthegamewiththeKidwasn’thisidea.”
“That’sright,”theDeveelinterjected.“Wordjustgotoutand...”
“WhatI’mcuriousabout,however,ishowheknewIwasout-classed.”
IsmiledattheGeek,tryingtoshowmyteeththewayAahzdoes.“Yousee,Idon’twanttotalkabouttonight’sgame.Iwashopingyoucouldgiveusalittlemoreinformationabouttheothergame...youknow,theonewhereIwonMarkie?”
TheDeveelglancednervouslyaroundthegroupofassembledscowls.
“I...Idon’tknowwhatyoumean.”
“Letmemakeiteasyforyou.AtthispointIfigurethegamehadtoberigged.That’stheonlywayyouwouldknowinadvancewhataweakdragonpokerplayerIam.SomehowyouwerethrowinghandsmywaytobesureIwonbig,bigenoughtoincludeMarkie.I’mjustcurioushowyoudiditwithouttriggeringthemagicortelepathymonitors.”
TheGeekseemedtoshrinkalittleinhischair.Whenhespoke,hisvoicewassolowwecouldbarelyhearhim.
“Markedcards,”hesaid.
Theroomexploded.
“MARKEDCARDS??”
“Buthow...”
“Wouldn’tthat...”
Iwavedthembacktosilence.
“Itmakessense.Thinkaboutit,”Iinstructed.“Specifically,thinkbacktoourtriptoLimbo.Rememberhowharditwastodisguiseourselveswithoutusingmagic?EverybodyattheBazaargetssousedtothingsbeingdonemagically,theyforgettherearenon-magicalwaystodothesamethings...likefalsebeards,ormarkedcards.”
TheGeekwasonhisfeetnow.
“Youcan’tholdthatagainstme!Sosomeoneelsepaidmetothrowthegameyourway.Heck,Ishouldthinkyou’dbehappy.Youcameoutahead,didn’tyou?What’stobemadabout?”
“I’llbetifItryrealhardIcouldthinkofsomething.”
“Look,ifit’srevengeyouwant,youalreadygotit.Ilostabundletonightbettingagainstyou.Youwantblood,I’mbleeding!”
TheDeveelwassweatingvisiblynow.Thenagain,he’salwaysbeenalittlenervousaroundmeforsomereason.
“Relax,Geek.I’mnotgoingtohurtyou.Ifanything,I’mgoingtohelpyou...justlikeyouhelpedme.”
“Yeah?”hesaidsuspiciously.
“Yousayyou’reshortofcash,we’llfixit.”
“What!!??”Aahzroared,butTanandapokedhimintheribsandhesubsidedintosullensilence.
“Bunny?”
“Yeah,Skeeve?”
“FirstthingtomorrowIwantyoutorunovertotheEven-Odds.Gooverthebooks,takeinventory,andcomeupwithafairpricefortheplace.”
TheGeekblinked.
“Myclub?ButI...”
“...ThendrawupanagreementforustotakeitofftheGeek’shands...athalfthepriceyouarriveat.”
“WHAT!!??”theDeveelscreeched,forgettinghisfear.“WhyshouldIsellmyclubfor...”
“...Morethanitwillbeworthifthewordgetsoutthatyou’rerunningriggedgames?”Ifinishedforhim.“Becauseyou’reashrewdbusinessman,Geek.Besides,youneedthemoney.Right?”
TheGeekswallowedhard,thenlickedhislipsbeforehespoke.“Right.”
“Howwasthat,Geek?”Aahzfrowned.“Ididn’tquitehearyou.”
“Idid,”Isaidfirmly.“Well,wewon’tkeepyouanylonger,Geek.Iknowyou’llwanttogetbacktoyourclubandcleanupabit.Otherwisewe’llhavetoreducetheamountofourappraisal.”
TheDeveelstartedtosnarlsomething,thenthoughtbetterofitandslunkoutintothenight.
“Doyouthinkthatwillmakeupforwhatwehadtopayindamages,partner?”Isaidinnocently.
“Skeeve,sometimesyouamazeme,”Aahzsaid,liftinghiswineinasalute.“Nowiftherearenomoresurprises,I’mreadytoparty.”
Itwastempting,butIwasonarollanddidn’twanttoletthemomentslipaway.
“Thereisonemorething,”Iannounced.“Nowthatwe’vetakencareoftheAxandtheKid,Ithinkweshouldaddressthemajorproblemthat’scomeup...whileeveryoneishere.”
“Majorproblem?”mypartnerscowled.“What’sthat?”
Takingadeepbreath,Iwentforit.
ChapterTwenty:“Sowhatelseisnew?”
-W.CRONKITE
THEwholecrewwasstaringatmeasIrolledmygobletofwinebackandforthinmyhand,tryingtodecidewheretostart.
“IfI’veseemedalittledistractedduringthislatestcrisis,”Isaidatlast,“it’sbecauseI’vebeenwrestlingwithanotherproblemthat’scometomyattention...abigone.Sobigthat,inmymind,theotherstufftookalowerpriority.”
“Whateveryou’retalkingabout,partner,”Aahzfrowned,“I’vemissedit.”
“Youjustsaidit,Aahz.Themagicwordis‘partner.’Thingshavebeengoingrealwellforyouandme,butwearen’ttheonlyonesinthishousehold.WhenweweretalkingtoChumleyandhesaidthathislifewasn’tallbeerandskittles,ittookmeawhiletopuzzleoutwhathewastalkingabout,butitfinallycameclear.”
Ilookedatthetroll.
“Businessisoffforyou,isn’tit,Chumley?”
“Well,Idon’tliketocomplain...”
“Iknow,butmaybeyoushouldonceinawhile,Ihadneverstoppedtothinkaboutitbefore,butyou’vebeengettingfewerandfewerassignmentssinceyoumovedinwithus,haven’tyou?”
“Isthattrue,Chumley?”Aahzsaid.“Inevernoticed...”
“Noone’snoticedbecausetheattentionhasalwaysbeenonus,Aahz.TheAahzandSkeeveteamhasbeentakingpriorityovereverythingandeveryoneelse.We’vebeensobusylivinguptoourbig-nameimagethatwe’vemissedwhatit’s
doingtoourcolleagues,theoneswhohavetoalargeextentbeenresponsibleforoursuccess.”
“Oh,comenow,Skeeveoldboy,”Chumleylaugheduneasily.“Ithinkyou’reexaggeratingabitthere.”
“AmI?Yourbusinessisoff,andsoisTananda’s.Ihatetosayit,butshewasrightwhensheleft,wearestiflingherwithourcurrentsetup.GuidoandNunzioknockthemselvesouttryingtobesuper-bodyguardsbecausethey’reafraidwe’lldecidewedon’treallyneedthemandsendthempacking.EvenMasshathinksofherselfasanon-contributingteammember.Bunny’sournewestarrival,andshetriedtotellmethattheonlywayshecouldhelpusisasanornament!”
“Ifeelbetteraboutthataftertonight,Skeeve,”Bunnycorrected.“BetweennegotiatingwiththeKidandgettingtheassignmenttopriceouttheEven-Odds,IthinkIcandosomethingforyoubesidesbreatheheavy.”
“Exactly!”Inodded.“That’swhat’sgivingmethecouragetoproposetheplanI’vecookedup.”
“Plan?Whatplan?”
“That’swhatIwantedtotalktoyouabout,Aahz.Actually,whatIwantedtotalktoallofyouabout.Whatwe’redealingwithinthishouseholdisn’treallyapartnership...it’sacompany.Everybodyinthisroomcontributestothesuccessofourgroupasawhole,andIthinkit’sabouttimewerestructuredoursetuptoreflectthat.Whatwereallyneedisasystemwhereallofushaveasayastowhat’sgoingon.Thenclientswillbeabletoapproachusasagroup,andwequoteprices,handoutassignmentsorsubcontract,andsharetheprofitsasagroup.That’smyproposal,forwhatit’sworth.Whatdotherestofyouthink?“
ThesilencestretchedonuntilIstartedtowonderiftheyweretryingtothinkofatactfulwaytotellmeIbelongedinarubberroom.
“Idon’tknow,Skeeve,”Aahzsaidatlast.
“Whataren’tyousureof?”Iurged.
“Idon’tknowifweshouldcallourselvesMagic,Inc.,orChaos,Ltd.”
“Magic,Inc.,hasalreadybeenused,”Tanandaargued.“Besides,Ithinkthenameshouldbealittlemoredignifiedandformal.”
“Youdothat,thentheclientsaregoin’tobesurprisedwhentheyactuallyseeus,knowwhatImean?”Guidoputin.“Weain’texactlydignifiedandformalourselves.”
Ileanedbackinmychairandtookadeepbreath.Ifthatwastheironlyconcern,myideawasatleastdeemedworthyofconsideration.
Masshacaughtmyeyeandwinked.
Itoastedherback,feelingjustifiablysmug.
“Doesthiscompanyacceptnewapplicants?”
WeallturnedtofindMarkieinthedoor,suitcaseinherhand.
“Idon’tthinkIhavetotellyouallaboutmyqualifications,”shecontinued,“butIadmirethisgroupandwouldbeproudtobeapartofit.”
Thecrewexchangedglances.
“Well,Markie..“
“It’sstillnebulous...”
“You’vegottheElementalstuffdowncold...”
“Whatdoyouthink,Skeeve?”Aahzsaid.“You’retheonewho’susuallybigonrecruitingoldenemies.”
“No,“Isaidfirmly.
Theywerealllookingatmeagain.
“SorrytosoundsooverbearingrightafterclaimingIwantedeverybodytohaveasayinthings,”Icontinued,“butifMarkie’sin,I’mout.”
“What’stheproblem.Skeeve?”Markiefrowned.“Ithoughtwewerestillonprettygoodterms.”
“Weare,”Inodded.“I’mnotmadatyou.Iwon’tworkagainstyourcareerorhityouorholdagrudge.Youwerejustdoingyourjob.”
Iraisedmyheadandoureyesmet.
“Ijustcan’tgoalongwithhowyouwork,isall.Yousayyouadmireourgroup-well,thegluethatholdsustogetheristrust.Thewayyouoperateistogetpeopletotrustyou,thenbetrayit.Evenifyoustayedloyaltoourgroup,Idon’tthinkIwanttobeassociatedinbusinesswithsomeonewhothinksthat’sthewaytoturnaprofit.”
Istoppedthere,andnooneelseraisedavoicetocontradictme.
Markiepickeduphersuitcaseandstartedforthedoor.Atthelastmoment,though,sheturnedbacktomeandIcouldseetearsinhereyes.
“Ican’targuewithwhatyou’resaying,Skeeve,”shesaid,“butIcan’thelpwishingyouhadsettledforhittingmeandletmejoin.”
Therewastotalsilenceasshemadeherdeparture.
“Theyoungladyhasraisedavalidpoint,”Chumleysaidatlast.“Whatisourpositiononnewmembers?”
“Ifwe’reopen,I’dliketoputVic’snameupforconsideration,”Masshachimedin.
“Firstwe’vegottodecideifweneedanyoneelse,”Tanandacorrected.
“Thatraisesthewholequestionoffree-lancevs.exclusivecontracts,”Nunziosaid.“Idon’tthinkthatit’srealistictohavealloursharesequal.”
“I’vebeendoodlingupaplanonjustthatpoint,Nunzio,”Bunnycalled,wavingthenapkinshehadbeenscribblingon.“Ifyoucanholdonforafewminutes,I’llhavesomethingtoproposeofficially.”
AsinterestedasIwasintheproceedings,Ihadtroubleconcentratingonwhatwasbeingsaid.Forsomereason,Markie’sfacekeptcrowdingintomymind.
Sure,whatIsaidwasrough,butitwasnecessary.Ifyou’regoingtoruna
businessorateam,you’vegottosetastandardandadheretoit.There’snoroomforsentimentality.Ihaddonetherightthing,hadn’tI?
Hadn’tI?