Influencing skillsAlan Barker

Kairos Training Limited

These slides represent some of the supporting material from a training session.

Information on the slides may therefore be incomplete.

What’s the difference?

Influencing: using behaviour to change someone else’s behaviour

Persuading: convincing, arguing, appealing to rationality

Maybe! The distinction is not absolute.

Influencing works by acting on the unconscious.

We are less likely to be influenced if we notice that we are being influenced.

Do you agree?

Do we communicate what we intend?

What’s the context?

A one-way street

What does it all mean?

Whatever we understand has been communicated – whether it was intended or not.

There is a paradox in communicating.

I cannot expect you to understand everything I tell you;

and I cannot expect you to understand

only what I tell you.

[with thanks to Patrick Bouvard]

Finnish Professor of human communication.

He is best known for a set of humorous maxims about how communication in organizations goes wrong.

They illustrate some of the problems of using the Shannon-Weaver transmission model.

Communication usually fails, except by accident.

If communication can fail, it will fail.

If communication cannot fail, it still usually fails.

If communication seems to succeed in the way you intend – someone’s misunderstood.

If you are content with your message, communication is certainly failing.

If a message can be interpreted in several ways, it will be interpreted in a manner that maximizes the damage.

There is always someone who knows better than you what your message means.

The more we communicate, the more communication fails.

Understanding is pattern-matching.

Continuous

Complicated

Contextual

We cannot not communicate.

[Paul Watzlawick, Mental Research Institute, Palo Alto, California]

Relationship

Information

Action

ReciprocityAssimilationScarcityConsistencyAuthorityLiking Robert Cialdini

Based on two variables

Status

Emotional disclosure

Our social position

Assessed on a simple sliding scale: low to high

Always relative

Always provisional: time; situation; people

Gained behaviourally from other people

Statements of fact, making speeches Statements about objectives Demands for agreement on specifics Demands for commitment Expressions of opinion

Asking about values and principles Questions about needs and objectives Probing for feelings and perceptions Asking for explanations and examples Listening and following up

Rapport could be defined as the process of levelling status.

The mirroring system, which allows us, to some extent, to share the experiences of others

The mentalizing system, which allows us to make predictions about people's actions on the basis of their mental states

[Chris Frith]

1. Copy the other person’s body language.

2. Make no more than two statements before you ask a question.

3. Ask three questions – but no more till you have done the next two things.

4. Find something from what you have just learnt to pay a subtle and relevant compliment about.

5. Find something in what you have found out to agree with.

6. Repeat steps 1-5 until the conversation takes on a life of its own.

They provoke motion without thinking

Anger Happiness Disgust Surprise Sadness Fear

task relationship

Simon Baron-Cohen

‘Push’‘Pull’

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’

The Control Specialist

•Just do it!•Wants to know what and when•Likes to take charge

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’

The Technique Specialist

•Do it right or not at all!•Wants to know how•Likes to plan

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’The Support Specialist

•We’re great!•Wants to know who and why•Likes cooperation and loyalty

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’The Social Specialist

•Let’s all do it!•Wants to know who else•Likes energy and optimism

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Expressive

Analytical

Driver

Amiable

‘Push’‘Pull’

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

Task (less responsive)

Relationship (more responsive)

‘Pull’ ‘Push’

Analytical Driver

Amiable Expressive

Finish Implement

Inspire

Market

InvestigateSupport

Liaise

Appraise

Adaptability!

Are they more assertive and fast-paced or less assertive and slower-paced?

Are they less responsive and task-oriented or more responsive and people-oriented?

What is your least preferred style?

What situations at work require you to use this style?

What could you do (or stop doing) to increase your competence in this style?

For more information:

Thank you!Alan Barker

Kairos Training Limited

www.kairostraining.co.uk