Hitting People to Get Your Own Way(24 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

Is it all right to hit other people to get your own way?

I think most of us would answer probably not.

But on second thought there would be many of us that might make the exception of parenting.

Interestingly, hitting children to get our own way is a culturally acceptable activity known as spanking.

Abuse is cyclical...

If you were hit as a child you will probably hit your own children, unless you awaken to your own history and buried energies.

A video: 20/20

A Lesson They’ll Never Forget

You Tube video

Spanking (hitting) frequently:

Results in children:

They liked themselves less They had more difficulty in

making friends

Results in adults:

They acted and re-acted more violently

They sought abusive relationships (because that was more familiar to them)

A national survey of disciplinary practices reported that 97% of all children in the united states have been physically punished.

That is a very high percentage!

AMERICAN JOURNAL OF ORTHOPSYCHIATRYKAUFMAN & ZIGLER, 1987, P. 189 57 (2)

I like the idea of this next quote even though it is apparently not shared by a lot of other people in this culture, especially the rigid religious folks.

“In terms of physical abuse, I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.”

I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children.”

G. B. Hinckley

“My opinion is that the use of the rod is very frequently the result of a want of understanding on

the part of the spoiled parent.” G. A. Smith

(I think it is insightful that man would make comment and label some parents as being spoiled themselves always wanting to get their own way.

I know as a young parent I was spoiled and self-concerned in wanting my children to turn out a certain way so that I could look good as a father)

Alice Miller is on to something here that is never explained by our cultural heritage. Sadly, that all discrimination finds it birth in how we treat our

children.

“Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one’s own despised and unwanted feelings.

And the fountainhead of all contempt, all discrimination, is the more or less conscious, uncontrolled, and secret exercise of power over the child by the adult, which is tolerated by society.”

Drama of the Gifted Child Alice Miller, p.69

A familiar story...

A frustrated mother sends her little girl out to the peach tree to get a switch for a spanking. After about 10 minutes she comes back and says:

“ I couldn’t reach the “weach” tree but here’s a rock you can throw at me.”

(I doubt any responsible parent would sit and throw rocks at their child but most have little reservation in hitting them if they need it.)

We not can hit with our hands but can also hit with words...

You can hit harder with words than you can with your hands.

“Sticks and stones may break the bones, but words can break the heart”

Here is an interesting thought experiment:

If you discovered that the Christ child was going to be your child, would you change any of your parenting behaviors?

(Would you ever hit him?)

Matthew 25:40

“In as much as ye have done “it” unto one of the least of these, ye have done it unto me.”

The truth is that tooooo many parents are spoiled and hard hearted in respecting their

child’s heart and reality.

These kinds of parents are unfortunately dangerous and abusive to vulnerable children.

I don’t know of any rational human being in this culture that would condone being abusive to others.

Excepting the parental practice of discipline.

Most parents reserve the right to spank and hit their child if the situation calls for it.

Many see no connection between allowing adults to hit children and the high abuse rates that stem from this

exception.

Lets imagine a riddle and amade up earthly orientation meeting

Lets say we are in a place before we are born and I have come to orient you for your earthly Life and stay.

With a very serious tone I warn you about possible future injury.

I tell you that based upon statistics, there is a very dangerous group on earth you need to be aware of.

If you are ever assaulted, raped, murdered, sent to the hospital

because of injuries, etc. this would be the group to be wary of. Who is the group?

So paradoxically…

“The group to which most people look for love and gentleness is also the most violent civilian group in our society”

Murry Straus, Sociologist

(Murry is talking about our families)

On the issue of research and spanking...

I would not care if all the research on spanking was positive and good, it is morally and ethically wrong to hit people to get your own way...

Especially little people.

• I think it insightful that many of the control techniques of parents can create the unintended consequence of creating more problems with their children than they solve. Force, whether physical or psychological, can backfire as the following quote attests.

• “ You can’t force your boys, nor your girls into heaven. You may force them to hell by using harsh means in the efforts to make them good, when you yourselves are not as good as you should be. You can only correct your children by love, in kindness, by love unfeigned, and reason.”

J. F. Smith

What we need a little more of, as parents could help.

Empathy Compassion Respect Kindness

Children have a right to their feelings without being shamed and abused!

The danger of parenting is that we have so much control and power given to us by our culture simply

from the fact of having a baby. There is no training, no orientation no probation period of competence.

We assume ownership of the child on some level because he/she is ours and then the trouble starts in

earnest.

The mentality of ownership is destructive and deadening to both parent and child.

“As soon as the child is regarded as a possession for which one has a particular goal, as soon as one exerts control over him or her, their vital growth will be violently interrupted..”

The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller p.5

the end