Post on 13-May-2015
Remarriage and Step Families
Famous Remarriages
Increase in the early 1990s
More familiar with the costs and benefits
Intimacy and companionship
Romance and sexual expression
Remarriage
Slow and complex
Balancing career, kids, extended family and new marriage
Takes an estimated 4-7 years to adjust.
Difficult Adjustment
40% of remarriages (with kids) separate by 4 years.
By 10 years, 47% of those with kids separate.
Higher separation/divorce rate than 1st marriages
Statistics
MistakeDifficulties with
children cause the split.
Occurs early (first 5 years)
Rushed, did not consider feelings of children
Unable to establish stable family system
Bringing in old issues, habits.
Work and in-laws prevent the stabilizing of new marriage.
Marriage – Round 2
Failure
Bringing baggage, previous marriage
Unsettled emotional issues
Greater involvement in work – later life
New marital, spouse and parent roles to rework
Inability to form new family habitsUnrealistic expectations for the marriage
Lack of Stability
Stages of a Successful RemarriageRecovery, Inclusion, Marital Sub-System
Emotional, social and physical strain of first marriage
“getting over” grief, anger, jealousy, resentment
Achieving stability on your own before 2nd marriage
1. Recovery
Consider new family, kids and current in-laws
How will the new family system operate?
Open or closed? Contact with ex-spouses?
Crucial for benefit of children
2. Inclusion
Establishing sub-system of how new family will function
Clear boundaries for both partners
Decide priorities – parental and spousal
Emphasize “we” problem solving
3. Marital Sub-System
More practical than romantic
Supporting and raising children
Supporting each other in later life
Can deal with conflict despite “eyes” of kids, in-laws, ex-spouses.
Remarriages That Last
Parent-child relationships is older than the new marriage.
Stigma and stereotyping
Intruder?
Resent attempts at intimacy.
Step Parents and Siblings
Re-adjustment of birth order status
Rivalry caused by conflicting personalities
Parent loyalty, “siding”
“sudden siblings” and repressed attraction
Step-Siblings
No obvious ones!
Least successful? Don’t try to be a “healer”Those that demand intimacy
Most successful?Between parent and trusted friendModel after in-laws
Step-Parent Role Models
Traditional BenefitsDual income
Financial stability
Partner support (emotional and social)
“two heads” are better
Little improvement to child’s well-being
Child distress and mental health issues
Educational difficulty
Worse for boys than girls
Remarriage – Costs & Benefits
Practical Costs
Remarriage later in life
Need for adult children’s approvalLoyalty to old parentAssume the worst (marry for money)
This stage in life remarriage indicates earlier successes
Men are more likely to remarry than women.
Widows and Widowers