Dealing With People You Can’t Stand

How to Bring Out the Best

in People at Their Worst

Dr. Rick Brinkman Dr. Rick Kirshchner

People aren’t difficult.

Their behaviors can be.

As learners and facilitators, we want to understand this difficult behavior…

…and engage these people in positive group dynamics

Outline of Presentation

1. Understand theory behind bad behaviors

2. Learn how to facilitate others who are exhibiting bad behaviors

3. Assess and reflect on your own bad behaviors

The Lens of Understanding: A magnifying lens on behaviors reveals the motives behind them

The Lens of Understanding: Everyone responds to situations with a different level of assertiveness:

Passive Aggressive

The Lens of Understanding: During a time of challenge, difficulty or stress, people move out of their comfort zone and their level of assertiveness become exaggerated:

Passive Aggressive More More

The Lens of Understanding

People Focus

Task Focus There are also

patterns to what people focus their attention on:

The Lens of Understanding

People Focus

Task Focus

Challenge, difficulty or stress also exaggerates this focus:

More

More

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Normal Zone

The Normal Zone of behaviors

What determines focus and assertiveness?

Four general positive intents:

2. Get the task done 1. Get the task right

3. Get appreciation from people 4. Get along with people

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Normal Zone

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Four positive intents

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Normal Zone

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Gray Zone

Threats to positive intents cause an exaggerated Gray Zone of behaviors

Same priorities, No problem

A deadline is looming. Someone you work with on a project wants to get it done…

You both focus on the task. You are getting it done, and your communications are brief and to the point.

What happens when a person’s intent is not met?

A deadline is looming. Someone you work with on a project wants to get it done…

…They fear the project won’t get done and become more controlling

But you don’t focus on the task…

Get it right

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Same priorities, No problem

Someone you know wants to get appreciation for what he’s doing …

You let him know that you recognize his contribution with your enthusiasm and words of gratitude

What happens when a person’s intent is not met?

Someone you know wants to get appreciation for what he’s doing …

…They fear they won’t get approval and become more attention seeking

You don’t recognize his contribution…

Get it right

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Attention Getting

Same priorities, No problem

You are in an argument with another person. You want to get along with that other person…

The other person communicates that both of your points of view are important. You both listen to each other and effectively resolve your argument..

…You don’t share your opinion but instead adopt theirs. becomes more approval seeking

What happens when a person’s intent is not met?

The other person strongly pushes their own point of view

You are in an argument with another person. You want to get along with that other person…

Get it right

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Approval Seeking

Same priorities, No problem

Someone you work with wants to get it right…

You focus on the task, paying great attention to the details, and your reports to her are well documented.

What happens when a person’s intent is not met?

Someone you work with wants to get it right…

…She fears it will get done wrong and becomes more perfectionist.

You don’t share that focus on the task…

Get it right

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Perfectionist

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting

Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

???

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

Sniper Tank Know-it-all

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

???

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

Grenade Sniper Think They Know-it-all

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

???

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

Yes Person

Maybe Person

Nothing Person

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

???

The Lens of Understanding

Passive Aggressive

People Focus

Task Focus

Get it right Get it done

Get along Get appreciated

Controlling

Attention Getting Approval Seeking

Perfectionist

No Person

Nothing Person Whiner

Facilitation Activity:

Group Activity Steps: 1. Blending

2. Backtracking

3. Facilitation toward a goal

Group Activity Steps: 1. Blending – let the person

who is displaying a difficult behavior know that you understand their positive intent

Group Activity Steps: Backtracking – share some of the argument they made, using their words, to let the person know you have heard and understood them.

(You are not saying that you agree with them)

Group Activity Steps: Facilitation toward a goal – using the handouts, facilitate towards a goal using the strategies suggestion for each specific behavior

Group Activity Steps: 1. Blending

2. Backtracking

3. Facilitation toward a goal

Self-assessment for difficult behaviors: 1. Which ones?

2. When?

3. Strategies for self-management

Key Learnings:

People aren’t their behavior People demonstrate patterns of behavior People vs. task focus Passive vs. aggressive tendencies Balance is the key

Thank you.