Post on 16-Apr-2017
COMMUNICATE POWERFULLY(TO GET THINGS DONE)
withMichelle Villalobos
(vee - ya - low - bos)
About me...Background
the feminist/research scientist years
the other “Madonna” years
the “Madonna” years
Intentions for today
A brief trip back in time... why we are the way we are
v v
vvv
Survival Of
The Fittest
“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!” – Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking Glass
CompetitionCaveman (& cavewoman) Style
women = less expendable
= non-violent competition
Specialization
nurturingcommunicating
reconciling
decisivecommandingcontrolling
“male” “female”
. . . . . .
Socialization, AKA:“Now, now, girls, play nice...”
v s. WomanHumilityModesty
ShynessConstraint
Coyness |Demureness Meekness | Unpretentious
Diffidence | HumblenessInhibition | Innocence
Reserve | Quietness Purity | Timidity
Self-effacing
QuietBashfulness
SweetHelpful Gentle Nice Caring Kind Calm
“Women who adopt a masculine, ‘alpha-
female’ approach in the office earn more [and
get promoted more] than than their more passive
female colleagues.”– Businessweek, July 2010
Fact:
the “feminization”of leadership
on the bright side...
•always needs to win•doesn’t listen•doesn’t trust•loud•talks very fast
•never needs to win•only listens•too trusting•quiet•talks very slowly
•Don’t always win, but handles situations effectively
•Is an “Active Listener”•States expectations•Sets boundaries•Considers others feelings•States observations without
labels or judgments•Expresses self directly,
honestly, and quickly about issues & wants
•Confident, trusts self and others
•Open, flexible, versatile
•Decisive & action-oriented•Consistent•Uses direct eye contact•Has a varied rate of speech•Uses “I prefer” or “I’d rather” •Asks: “What are my options?”
“What are the alternatives?”•Negotiates, bargains, trades off,
compromises•Confronts problems as they
arise•Doesn’t bottle up negative
feelings•Feels well-understood
“assertive”
“assertive”
12 Steps To Striking The Balance
#1. Identify blind spots
- people won’t disagree with you- (or) you get into lots of arguments
- people often leave you angry or upset- you raise your voice a lot
- they act passive around you- you speak loud and fast
- you interrupt- you are impolite
- you often hear that you’re rude- you are intimidating
- you don’t share your thoughts/needs- you feel resentful
- you’re not getting what you deserve- you’re overly polite- you apologize a lot
- you back down from debates- you avoid conflict at all costs- people take advantage of you
- you can’t say no
#2. Body language & image
what do you notice?
what do you notice?
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Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
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social is the new business
First impressions
5
• Eye contact• Body language• Clothes• Neatness • Expression• Attitude• “Props”• Greeting/handshake• Striking up rapport
Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
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social is the new business
To watch out for:
5
• Distribution of eye contact• Arms/hands/fidgeting• “Resting face”• Smile-talking • Personal space / proximity• Leaning in• Other people around you
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Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
1
social is the new business
Exercise in “Preferences”
5
#3 Learn To Read Personalities
rubies sapphiresDIRECTORS PROMOTERS
emeraldsANALYZERS
pearlsNURTURERS
(“do
min
ant”
sty
le)
(“pa
ssiv
e” s
tyle
)
(“formal” style) (“informal” style)
Director
Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
1
social is the new business
• Speaks strongly & confidently • Listens less & talks more •Can seem aggressive or impatient• Thinks out loud•Makes strong statements like:
- “Let's get this settled right now.”- “What's the bottom line?” - “Get to the point.”
Director (fast, formal)
Promoter
Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
1
social is the new business
• Outgoing & highly social • “People person”• Persuasive, instead of authoritative•Can seem less formal, more casual• Thinks out loud•Makes statements like:
- “Just give me the gist of the plan”- “Let’s not worry about details yet”
Promoter (fast, informal)
Analyzer
Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
1
social is the new business
•Measured & careful• Detail-oriented & task-oriented•Reliable• Ask “logical” questions • Seems deep in thought when listening•Make statements like:
- “Now let’s look at this logically”- “Let's take this step-by-step, step 1...
Analyzer (calm, formal)
Nurturer
Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
1
social is the new business
• Sensitive & empathetic• Supportive & helpful • Ask “feeling” questions• Seems concerned/caring when listening• Makes statements like:
- “I'd like to take this slow, is that OK?” - “Can we do this together until I get the feel for it?”
Nurturer (calm, informal)
rubies sapphiresDIRECTORS PROMOTERS
emeraldsANALYZERS
pearlsNURTURERS
(“do
min
ant”
sty
le)
(“pa
ssiv
e” s
tyle
)
(“formal” style) (“informal” style)
rubies sapphiresDIRECTORS PROMOTERS
emeraldsANALYZERS
pearlsNURTURERS
rubies sapphiresDIRECTORS PROMOTERS
emeraldsANALYZERS
pearlsNURTURERS
# 4. what you
say & how you say it
expressing disagreement
do you ask for permission to
speak up?Can I ask a question?
I just want to add one thing
Would you mind if I said something?
I have an idea I’d like to share, if you don’t mind
May I add something?
“I”blames you for issues
that aren’t yourschildish
takes focus off the facts
not effective leadership (it’s not about you)
often leads to “psychobabble”
(i.e., “feel,” “think,”
“believe”)
* How To Say It For WomenPhyllis Mindell, Ed.D.
“psychobabble”rambling & nervous chatter
“blah, blah, blah...” “Be in the moment... “present...” “The Secret...” “The Law of Attraction”
and... and... and...“I’m suuuuch an Aquarius (giggle)”
“I feeeeel...”
“you”
“feel”
(k)notty wordscan not
could notshould not
do notwould not
rephrase with what you DO want
or WILL do
try:
“um”“you know”
“ahhh”“like”
...pausing...rhetorical question
...dramatic pause
...drop altogether
verbal filler
instead of:
onlyjust
you knowreally
in my opinionsort ofkind of
apparentlyI’m not an expert, but
I may not be qualified, butbut
maybeI guess
“I don’t have enough time to complete that job”
* Adapted From How To Say It For WomenPhyllis Mindell, Ed.D.
“I like the way you closed that deal”
“I noticed that the office wasn’t cleaned up”
“I feel good about this project”
“the job is too complex for the time given”_______________________________
_________________________“nice job on closing that deal”
“who was supposed to clean up?”_____________________________
“our team will do a great job on this project”_____________________
strong words vs.weak words
“to be”
I am (was, will be...)
You are (were, will be)
We are (were, will be)
They are (were, will be)
I am the leader of a team
You are responsible for sales
We are the managers of...
They were helping the kids...
I lead
We manage
They helped
________________
_______________
______________
You oversee sales
_______________
AchieveAdvanceConductConsultCommitCoordinateDevelopDeliverDesignDefineDevoteEarnEnhanceEvaluateExamineExtendFacilitateFormulate
FulfillForecastGenerateGainGatherHeadHostIdentifyImplementImproveImproviseInfluenceLaunchLeadLobbyMaintainManageMarketed
MaximizedMediatedMotivateNegotiateObtainOperateOrganizeOriginateOverseeParticipatePerformPioneerPlanPreparePresentPromotePublishPursue
RankUpdateRedesignReengineerReorganizeRepresentRestructureReviseSafeguardSecureSpecifySpearheadStandardizeStrengthenStructureSuggestSupersedeSupervise
TargetTeach/TaughtTestTrainTransformTranscendUnifyUpgradeUtilizeValidateValueWrite
effective action verbs...
volume, tone, tempo & inflection
lowerslowerlouder
vshigherfastersofter
which is preferable?
#5. compel attention
Learn to say “shut up” (politely)
*Phyllis Mindel, PhDHow To Say It For Women
Excuse mePlease allow me to finish...
I’m not finishedI’m not quite finished...
Please hold any comments until I’m donePlease hold your questions until the end
Just a moment...Interruptions break my train of thought,
please allow me to finish...
passion trumps perfection
#6. Effective writing• use bullets• anticipate & offer choices• use “if so” or “if not” construction• if it’s emotional, call or email always• use a meaningful subject line• use shortcuts (EOM, NRN)
Important! Read Immediately!!Hola!Following-upThe file you requested. "Confirmed for Tuesday but need to change location to Starbucks” EOM (end of message)
subject lines
xxxx
#7. practice saying
Sarcasm & other passive-aggressive behavior
#8.
“Thanks for doing such a great job. Really, thanks.
“It’s not like you do anything anyways.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Everything is great. Just perfect.”
•we often use to “soften”•men can’t read well•smiling when angry•passive aggressive
the fake smile... (the real one too)
•be solution-oriented•address sarcasm straight-up
“was that meant sarcastically?”•ask for alternate behavior •use active listening to uncover
the real issue (ask!)•talk about that (honestly)
Dealing with difficult situations
share
ask for what you want#9.
3
Share
exudeconfidence
#10.
How do you respond to compliments?
Pet Names
“Unwritten Rules: What You Don’t Know Can Hurt Your Career” © 2008 by CATALYST
#11. promote yourself
Like it or not, we all have a personal brand. Purposeful or accidental, decided by you, or
decided by the people around you...
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Copyright 2007- 2009 Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
•talk show host?•home & entertaining expert?•dog trainer?•child-care expert?•martyr?•satanic rocker? •dirty politician?
Master The 30-Second “Elevator Pitch”
#12.
Copyright Michelle Villalobos, Mivista Consulting, Inc. 2009. All Rights Reserved. To Reprint, Distribute or Repurpose, visit www.MivistaConsulting.com and click “Contact Us”.
download more at: www.MichelleVillalobos.com