Post on 04-Apr-2018
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
1/35
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
2/35
BYPlatte F. Clark
ALADDINNew York London Toronto Sydney New Delhi
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
3/35
T bk wk f. A v,
pp, p u fu. O , ,
p, v pu u ,
b u v p p,
v , .
ALADDIN
A p S & Su C Pub Dv
1230 Avu A, Nw Yk, NY 10020
F A v Ap 2013
Cp 2013 b Sw D, LLCA v, u pu
w p .
ALADDIN k S & Su, I.,
k S & Su, I.
F bu p u buk pu,
p S & Su Sp S
1-866-506-1949 bu@u..
T S & Su Spk Buu
b u u v v.F bk v
S & Su Spk Buu 1-866-248-3049
v u wb www.pk..
D b K G
T x bk w Bb.
Muu U S A 0313 FFG
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1
Fu CIP vb Lb C.
ISBN 978-1-4424-5012-7
ISBN 978-1-4424-5014-1 (Bk)
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
4/35
To the entire Clark clan: Aidan, Allie, Hunter, Kennidy, Hailey,
Platte Christian, Kiaya, and my sweetheart wife, Kathy
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
WHEN YOU ANNOUNCE THAT YOURE WRITING A BOOK ABOUT A
vu u, u quk u w u
. Tku, I w uk
u, w w K, w v v
up u w v, u-
K, w w p B U
quk I w . M p
P C u H, w
u up: A, Hu, A. A w-
u -u qu xp
u, K, I v v v w
u bw. I w k
w , Db W, v EW L A, w z ,
F Sp. A p k u
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
5/35
A, pub B Buk bv u
w u pu p qu
v. I b z
w up, p E. J. P, Dv Bu,
E H, M Dz. Tk Ru
J p w Ju v ,
w b J Pw. A , v
pp u , w w
b b .
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
6/35
Foreword to the
Codex of Infinite
Knowability
IF YOURE READING THIS PAGE YOURE
probably not a wizard and most definitely not my
blood descendant. Stop! For this is the Codex of Infinite
Knowabilitycodex because it is a very old book, and
infinite because the words herein are not boundto any page numbers or table of contents (for that
reason, its notrecommended that you use the Codex
as a citation source for book reports). I suppose con-
gratulations are in order, for you managed to get past
the first level of electric shock protection (perhaps by
opening the book with a stick or by wearing insu-lated gloves). However, dont be too smug about your
accomplishment. The Codex of Infinite Knowabilitycon-
tains the fifteen Prime Spellsthe very foundation
of all the magic in the three realms. Just drawing
close to them is so dangerous that my team of law-
yers requires me to tell you that at any moment you
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
7/35
2 Platte F. Clark
may be electrified, frozen, torn asunder, flung into
the air, incinerated, or cast across time and space into
the dark regions of the umbraverse. As the Codexs
author, I recommend you close the book now and
run awaypreferably with screaming and arm flail-
ing. Sure, it might be socially awkward for a while,
but its way better than experiencing total physical
destruction.
Okay, youve ignored my warnings and are read-
ing anyway. Fine. Please note that copyright violators
will not only be prosecuted to the full extent of the
law, but tied to the Tree of Woe and licked by fire
kittens.
Also, if the final battle for earth did not go well,to our squirrel overlords let me say well played
you were a worthy opponent. If humans still survive,
take heed and remember two very important things:
First, never turn your back on a squirrel with a nut.
Second, the Codex of Infinite Knowabilityis the most mag-
ical book ever written. Just having it in your posses-sion will not only put your life at risk but will make
you the target of the powerful and power-hungry.
These are not creatures to be trifled with, believe me.
My recommendation is that you abandon this book
to whence you found it and wait for my long-lost
ancestor to claim itfor only those of my blood willbe able to read further and unlock the mysteries I
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
8/35
B AD U N I C ORN 3
have so carefully hidden away. And if you happen to
find this great descendant of mine, please tell him or
her notto bend the Codexs pagesis it so hard to use a
bookmark? A little courtesy goes a long way.
Maximilian Sporazo
Arch-Sorcerer and Regent of the Wizards Tower
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
9/35
PROLOGUE
PRINCESS THE UNICORN WAS HAVING A BAD DAY. PROBABLY NOT AS
b pp--uk bb bu
b . F , bb w v
. A w, bb w ,
u w b , , , b
w u u , k,
k . Fbb w b
kb w w . Bu
bb w ju . . . b. A w
bb u b . Su, w
p bb , bu
w feeling upp bu P b . A w P
p w b bb u wu u.
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
10/35
6 Platte F. Clark
M pp P. H w u w
-k k v
v, bu w u w pp u
p. A P wz w qu
v u b Tw
w k pp v u
. U w pwu -
u Mu, P w pu
, p w p. Nv,
k b v
. Yu H,
pu, bb u-
, w pp p. I p u u
u k.
P w v w M
p. N, k . H, M,
v w b .
Tu u, wz w,
wk kk u bk. Ev
Mu w . Bu
k u w w .Mb. Bu vw, ? N
upp Tu.
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
11/35
B AD U N I C ORN 7
T u w? M p, wp
b. A wz v qu u w
w w u w
. M w . M w
b w w
p. T w p Mu
wz w ju pj p . N
M w b , p w
- p.
B wz w wk,
u M ju . T Tu p
v , u. A b, u
v . . . pu.
Rpu? W k pu? A b-
qu?
M kw u
P b w v p-
p w. U, x, w.
T vu . . . ?
W . . .
Cu ?U . . .
P w, p u.
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
12/35
8 Platte F. Clark
W, v , I u w kw bb
?
M u b w. H
pu w b u pu
w pp u p v bw,
w bb w bu . T
wz u u p.
N, v bb? T w u up-
p w v ?
Pp pk u u
w , bb u
pu u u.
P u -b u
v u w . Su
b up zpp
bb u. N pu, .
M : Av uu u-pu
.
Ob , wv,
P . S v w
u u pp w .W, v Mu kw
bb , u k wz w,
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
13/35
B AD U N I C ORN 9
u pwu. T w w .
Uub , Yu H.
T u I , u,
pp w w
bk . T u k w u
u u-
pp w u .
M k w w . A p
Wz Tw bu u
. Sp, w p u ,
u , ub twinkee v .
T w u u
k H O T Au
ju u k w .
Pp.
A b, M u, v
G Su, w wk . S v
w u k u b . . .
P p v (
u-bw b u j). I b, w?
Yu b ub u u x u p-v pwu , M , ww. Yu
H.
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
14/35
10 Platte F. Clark
T k , M. I u
u Tw wu v u u . Aw, I k
I w k w Rz Db. Iv
b w Tu .
Rz w Wz Tw. Ev
u, M ku w
. N w Rz pwu p
, bu w u b
p. T w u p u b
w Codex of Infinite Knowability. H
bu , v w pp w,
v , acci-
dentally bb v w k. T u
k u bw Rz
P w u pu k M . I
w k u , w u w.
D I ju ? Y, M, I w u
b Tw. A Rz b, b I
u up w p w
b p w.
M bw, w u bk. Yu b v b ,
u. A w .
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
15/35
CHAPTER ONE
MAX FINDS A BOOKTHE TECHRUSPRESENT
IN THE HUMAN REALM, WHERE LIFE WAS SO DREARY MILLIONS OF KIDS
w k, bk, F!
L, Mx Sp w bu Pk
M S bk. Bu ju
bk w bk b p
u b. T
p w x w p-
. W was p w u u
b ( b u- wu) ju
bk p, w w u . Mx w
u v ukju k. A
vu.Mx v u w. H w
xp k b w bk
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
16/35
12 Platte F. Clark
wk u wu u. Bu
u w p
. I vu w w
pvuk . I PE, xp, Mx
w w pk (v w T Eubk
w bk bk ). A u -
b Mx p
jup p bu u
pv p w -. Mx
w p u w u wu
b kw jup-p k.
A bu pu w x p
k u , Mx kp
p bkp bu E
u, bu wu k
w Rk Kk R. T Kk
w b , k, k,
u w
, w p w .
H k k b w
k u u. T w b u b
w p bu.
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
17/35
B AD U N I C ORN 13
T k bu w b -
. I u w jk, ppu, u w
. Bu u w pu, b , w
b, p -b b u, u
w, u w buu w
p Rk pv w u b
w. Ju wk Mx w Rk v
w, Mv, pup up,
w- k ub. T b
u k w kp u w
p Rk u . A
w Mx , bk.
H w bu u. N
u u w p , bu bk
b wv p itw.
F , Mx w bu
u u b u p p
, bu x b
pvu. A v p, w
u, Mx u u
-bu bk; w u p . H kw k u , bu bk w
bk E .
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
18/35
14 Platte F. Clark
S p bk w Rk
w, Mx uk w v
u : In addition to being ruled by a queen, uni-
corns are highly magical creatures capable of speaking to humans.
Occasionally, a unicorn gives up on its diet of grass and oats
and goes for a little variety, perhaps by eating the human it was
previously talking to. Unfortunately, once a unicorn gets a taste
for meat theres really no easy way to stop it from plundering, pil-
laging, and devouring whatever it wants. This includes frobbits,
who happen to be a bit of a delicacy, are easy to catch, and come
in at around six hundred calories each.
T w pu u
p x u w b w
. T u w w, w
w pk k. O b-
, p k w
p. T w Mx p
u w x k
. B pu p , Princess
the Unicorn, also known as Princess the Destroyer. Pictured here
with her faithful wizard, Magar the Tolerated.Du! v xp Mx, k
up b Dk pp w
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
19/35
B AD U N I C ORN 15
. Dk w w v W Cpu
T- v bk , p
bvu Kk b . T
k! I w k, Yu w
? A w k, Y, w w .
S I w k, T w u . A
w k, G, bu w w w.
Dk pu, w Mx w . H,
bk u u ?
Cx, Mx u. S
, u? Su . . . p. Mx u w
x v.
I w. I b . T I
w k u v b.
I w w.
Mx u pu Dk k
uw
w u
ju. D pp u ? Mx k. H
b p u
Dk p.Dk w. Y, w w u k I
?
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
20/35
16 Platte F. Clark
Fu. S pp?
Ju uu, xp w p u-
u u . T
u b k k u
w u .
Hv u Dk u
w Mx b.
S w w u? I u .
I u I bu up . I
p u wk.
Dk k . Sk w b ! O
u I w. Mx w
B v u p
wk wk, C v
u p wk. Mx ju b
B , u
u u up x . Bu w
u u Mx
wk , v w w
u . Uu, v
u k u . B kw u, Mx k
u b, w v bk.
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
21/35
B AD U N I C ORN 17
S w up w . . . codex? Dk k,
w bk uu ub-
b . W Dk Mx w , Dk
p bu v u v
k. Mx u Dk
v v, bb p w
p.
I u , Mx , wp
u v. Au w v , bk
w kb . I
, w Mx u k b k
b. T pp b u w w
b, bu x u b
b w u , -
k w . I w
, -p p v . O
ub pp u b w
w , w x
u. I u bk
p. Exp w k bu u.
U? U .I kw, xp u p pp.
Dk , Mx
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
22/35
18 Platte F. Clark
kw w. H Dk b b
. I w -- Rk
R k Mx u
bk. Mx ub , v bu,
k b , bu w w w
u v . T w Dk w up.
App, Dk ju w u
jk u Rk. S ,
Rk bu w Dk
bu Dk pp b k w.
A , Mx Dk b b .
Ok, vu - u b
. T b vp, Dk ,
bu bu p. Vp u
wu b w. F Dk, u pu b
vp qu w. U u
w v-uk u u u w .
Mx u pu bk bkpk bu
u Pk M S
H E! Bu Mx u
P D u . Iw pu , bu w
up p.
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
23/35
B AD U N I C ORN 19
A
M. Lub v- E w w
. I w
u E w u,
k pu up w u
wk. A u w
w Mx . H w
p ju u reading is fundamental b-
. I bk Iv
, , pu up. I
Codex of Infinite Knowability I k x b
bk, bu . Mx k up
M. Lub, w bw
u kp , Codex up v
. T p I bu u, Mx
u, p bk p k -
. Sv b k.
D u . . . unicorns? M. Lub k
uk v.
Y, Mx w, k w. Bu
p k w u. I w u w vz ,
w u , u u . I
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
24/35
20 Platte F. Clark
w u. T
p O Fbb.
I , ! Mx bu u, w
u p pp. I , u. I
k bu . . .frobbits.
Fbb? M. Lub k, -
u bw .
Y. T w b u. O Mx
p.
M. Lub Mx w k
v w w ,
bu wv uv u
L .
Mx b . . .
On Frobbits
OF THE VARIOUS LIFE-FORMS LOCATED
in the middle realmor Magrus as its formally
calledthe peace-loving frobbit is a must-see for any
traveler. Frobbit culture is based on the unwarranted
trust of strangers, moving slowly when chased, and
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
25/35
B AD U N I C ORN 2 1
taking baths seasoned with eleven herbs and spices;
which is also why frobbits are a favorite food source
for all carnivorous predators (and even some leaf-
eaters who want to live it up on the weekends).
Sometimes when threatened, a frobbit will rub
itself with mint leaves as a warninga strategy that
has yet to yield any positive results. Frobbit villages
are called treeshires, because frobbits like to build
their homes inside of giant, hollowed-out trees. On
at least two occasions squirrels have been known to
wait until the frobbits were finished tree hollowing
and then successfully run them off and move in (for
more on the future world domination by squirrels,
see appendix B).Frobbit mandolins, constructed from the dis-
carded wood from such hollowing activities, are
highly prized throughout the Magrus. Not so much
for their musical qualities, but as ready-made kin-
dling for campfires or cooking pits.
Whether as a handy food source or treeshire con-struction crew, frobbits have become an integral part
of life in the Magrus.
Mx k up w M. Lub ku p, v ub k, w -
bk. H u
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
26/35
22 Platte F. Clark
kw pbb w b b
my middle schoolers on the honor roll
bup k.
I bv I w p-
v , M. Lub
u. D u bv u bb qu,
M. Sp?
Su Mx bk M. Lub
kb. Mx w
w pu pbb
u v b p .
Y, , w Mx quk u.
O? P b.
Mx w pu --p k-
. H w --p k.
Bu bw D F w pb-
b w, b u. W,
bu p, bk ,
. A bb pbb up,
wu b . S, , p u
.Sv b .
Mx u w v .
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
27/35
B AD U N I C ORN 2 3
N , M. Sp, M. Lub u,
. Hv .
O w bk k Mx kw u
b ju bw
, bu w k bu Codex. T
w bu w
- u, p- wz, p-
b bb, Mu.
H u bk b k xp,
p u w Dw, w
pp D D.
C L, k w k,
v w Mx w . N jb, E-
. Yu u v uk w u.
Mx . I w b u w
b k b k w w uw
u , bu w p
pbb v uu. A w
u k w k w-
bb k u.
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
28/35
CHAPTER TWO
REZORMOORS GAMBIT(THE MAGRUSPRESENT)
REZORMOOR DREADBRINGER WALKED THE LONG HALL OF THE
Mw p. A wp w b
, bu b w bb -
u . T w u
b u z u. A p-
wb v p k v u
, - u w
u b , v ,
v wu p. Uu,
w Peachesw pp b p-
v G E.
Rz p u -u. I w pw
wu up Mw .
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
29/35
B AD U N I C ORN 2 5
A Mw b ub
quk ubu u u L
Sw v wk. Bu w
u u p -
p. F w, wu b P
Mw u b uk.
T w p b Rz-
pv . T Mw
w v u ku b-
, p. E-
u uv p ku p
u, v w w w
p. I w p bk p.
T b k
b u , bu w bk
v v u , pk
w p . I k k
b pu w v u
qu .
Su w p Rz
w. P w, u. Bu pu ,
w ( T
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
30/35
26 Platte F. Clark
Ab Su) b -
u . T , p pu w
b. Bu u w
pp ub,
wp. Rz pp w
z k k. Dp pz
, Rz kw w . H
w u u
Mw pw bu u.
Spk, v k u.
P wp p
ku, v u v
u. A w up .
I v pu , . I
Su u up.
A I known, Mw. Rz-
k up k w
up . T Mw w w
k p Su, u p
u p. Rz
v b Su v p . Mx Spz w u v bu
v
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
31/35
B AD U N I C ORN 2 7
b u. Bu w w u ju
, b kw .
T w I wu k v, Rz-
qu, b kp v .
B v Mw u pv
- xp.
A p, w bk-b pp
w. T w w
w, bu , w ju u
p u. W w
b Rz kw. H
v w x p k -
v p b. T -
w b.
T w uRz
u . P w b
wv u bw.
T w bu, Mw
u. W u k u? T u
pu u u w
p, Rz w w u v bu .
A u kw, I k Codex, Rz ,
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
32/35
28 Platte F. Clark
k b. L w v w u
. S bv , bu I .
I x, Mw u w bu
. I , b pp
b uv.
I w Mw v pk
Codex w u p, Rz u
p b pu wu p .
Tu , u, u b u.
I u P Sp. I k -
p w.
B w pu u u
b w pw Tw.
A , Rz v u p
u w p. Pp w w
Mw , u b L
Sw w ju b jk. E w, Rz
vw u w. I u
v, p, Codex wu
u u w.
D p bu my w! Mw. Yu u k w u w w I v
p .
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
33/35
B AD U N I C ORN 2 9
Rz u u w
qu v, bu ww p
w. H u bk w. L
u G Gb, . W I
w Codex.
T w b
w Rz w pk
w. F, wv, Mw w,
p w v . Yu
- .
A u , Rz p, bw .
Au Mw w Rz
b v bk, L
Sw kw w Rz u p
, wz wu b p. T
G Gb u b Codex
Spz .
I u v v. H b
u w u wu u. A w
u I v Gb, w v
. I w u u w.Yu v Tu u
I , v , wu b wk
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
34/35
30 Platte F. Clark
b u. N wu b wu ,
bu wu magic Gb pw.
Yu I kw, M-
w p, v k
wv. T Tu v .
Rz b. Bu .
T w u pw w .
D u. Bu u w-
Tw. N w k w
T Au b pu p-
bw . T w u,
. T wu
p .
I bv .
T bk w
v. Hw pb?
I b , bu Iv b w
k . W .
A w u ?
I v w.
I u v u k v u b v u, u k
G Gb, Mw u. Bu
7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt
35/35
B AD U N I C ORN 3 1
p: I b v Spz u u
w v .
I w x w Rz , bu
w
wu b up. I , ,
b w uk.
G. Nw w u w b
b u w. T pwu
.
Rz . A pp, u
w Tw w pk. A w I
, ju pp b uu.