Apocalypse My Brain:

At Home with the Apocalypsos:Xmas Time

“Hello, and... Uh welcome to an Apocalypse My Brain Christmas Treat. For one WHOLE chapter you get to listen to me! Yes, you heard it right, ME!

India’s let me use the camera for one whole day and I am going to show you what it’s like at Christmas here. So, sit back and be bored!”

“Oh brother, India’s really letting Shelby steal the show? Pfft, I wouldn’t be surprised if this place has burnt down by tomorrow night.”

I hope you enjoy this Xmas Interlude, and remember, you can laugh at Shelby but do not believe her – whatever she says!

“Has India gone? OH YESSSS! Finally I can take back my reign and show you people how this thing is done. Welcome to MY show. Not that pesky India’s. So, how should we begin?”

*crickets*

“I’ve got it! Christmas messages! Sort of like what the Queen does, but Apocalypso style!”

“So, Christian my dear, do you have a little special Christmas treat for our viewers? Want to wish them all a Merry Christmas? Or are you a bit of a Scrooge? It’s okay, tell all! The viewer wants to know!”

“Christmas? You talked about that once... Isn’t it that time when everyone gives presents to each other, a being called Santa Clause visits children all over the world, and the whole of Christmas Day is overcome by family relatives?”

“Uh, exactly right, so, do you have a message you’d like to tell everyone? A special Christmas greeting perhaps? Or maybe just a message summarising this year?”

“Okay. Here’s my Christmas message. This year has been crap. Firstly, a bomb exploded, then a weirdo called India created a founder called Alexa and put her in an ‘apocalypse challenge’ and now, several generations down the line, here we are. Living in a pig sty.”

“Christian! Don’t be like that! Christmas is meant to be a happy time, remember?”

“But that’s exactly my point, mother. I’ve never experienced a Christmas. Now if you don’t mind me, I’ll just clear up Kim’s pee puddle because someone forgot to buy a litter box.”

“Aha! Cathy, my dear! Don’t suppose I could just have a few minutes of your time this morning? Isn’t it a lovely day!”

“Get lost, mother! I’m exhausted, I have work today and it’s 3am in the morning! Get a grip!”

“Well there’s no need to be so rude! I guess I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”

“Catherine! Perhaps now can I talk to you and ask you to give a Christmas message?”

“Firstly, get your flamin’ camera out of my butt! And secondly, why the hell do you think I would be interested in talking to you?”

“Look who woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! I don’t know why I bother!”

“Me neither. I mean, look at you with the camera, walking around like you own the place! As if! India only let you use it ‘cause you’re good for a few laughs,”

“No she didn’t! How dare you speak to your mother like that?!”

“Well it goes to show how much of a relationship we have, when you wouldn’t touch me as a kid. Now leave me alone, I’m busy building a snowman since it’s 4 in the morning.”

“Hmmph! How dare my daughter speak to me like that! Oh well, lets visit the sane one of my children, Colin. How are you doing, Colin my dear?”

“Good penguin, nice penguin. Pretty penguin want some foodies?”

“...Nevermind,”

“Uh... Colin... You’re not trying to kiss me are you? This looks dangerous...”

“Christiiiiaaaannn.... Oh, we’re being filmed? Oh no no no no no! Not at all,” *shifty eyes*

“Oh please, can everyone in this house just get a grip! We are meant to be professional, and all we seem to be acting like is the circus,”

“Day 301974772 of the apocalypse. Shelby here. Not much happening as usual. Come on boys, do something! I don’t understand where India gets all her footage from,”

“Nice snowman,”

“UGH!”

“Okay, dear viewer I’ve scrapped that plan. Yes, scrapped it. I’m now going to give my speech about how Christmas SHOULD be and ask why I’ve been put in this freak show. Okay? And lets start with the source, Alexa.”

“Oh shut up Shelby, who the hell let you run the roost?”

“Alexa, is that you? Oh boy...”

“Yes it’s me, Shelby, or should I call you the skank? Anyway, I’m not the cause of this mess. That blame goes solely to India. I was just the tool and the source of the family, nothing more than that. But guess what we COULD have been if India put me into a legacy family instead?”

“Uh... Happy?”

“Yep, Christmas would be perfect. As perfect as it could be. Look, there’s my oldest grandson Christian and his beautiful wife Camryn. I can’t believe you actually gave birth to one good kid, Shelby,”

*rolls eyes* “Where am I then?”

“Ugh, there you are, skank,”

“I hate India even more now! I could have been pretty!”

“Remember that it was only because you were in Culinary that India moved you in. Since this is a legacy you probably wouldn’t be spouse. So the family would probably be completely different.”

“And there are the kids, bless. The poor things, having to grow up with you as a grandma.”

“What are you saying?”

“Oh, nothing,”

“So Shelby, see my point of view now?”

“I do,”

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t capture the real spirit of Christmas. Find that and you’ll all be happy, I mean it. The real spirit of Christmas is what you must find, Shelby.”

“Pfffft, real Christmas spirit. Everyone knows it’s about presents, food and Santa Claus! We can’t do anything, I mean... Santa Claus is probably a mutant zombie anyway!”

“Mother, why did I just hear you talk to Alexa’s grave? She’s dead so it’s not as if she’s gonna speak to you!”

“Son, Christmas is cancelled. We have no ability to make it worthwhile so there’s no point having it. Don’t tell De or Dean because I’d rather them not know anything about Christmas. Perhaps next year,”

“Mother! I can’t believe you sometimes,”

“Christian! Please, you know why I have to do this,”

“No mother, you don’t HAVE to do anything. Giving up on Christmas is like giving up on hope. Well, if you won’t do it, I will,”

“Hmm, what to do...”

“Do what’s right, son. Shelby may have given up hope, but that doesn’t mean you have to. You can do it,”

“Alexa?”

“Chris, what are you doing?”

“If you won’t organise Christmas, then I’ll have to. Christmas is no longer cancelled, mother. I am going to show you the real Christmas spirit!”

“Son, there’s no point. We’re doomed to forever roam this infertile land as outsiders,”

“Right everyone, we have a job to do. We are going to celebrate Christmas!”

“Is daddy seeing ghosts again?”

“Come on everyone! We can’t give up hope!”

*grumble*

“What the hell is going on up here?”

“Granny, we’re having a party! You told us we couldn’t celebrate Christmas, hah! Daddy told us what the real spirit of Christmas is. Spending time with family is the true spirit of Christmas! Not presents or food!

“Hmm... I guess so. My son’s not so bad after all...”

“So come on granny, dance with me! All in the spirit of Christmas of course!”

“Darling, your plumbob’s showing,”

“Who cares?! Now dance with me!”

“Oh alright,””

I don't want a lot for Christmas All I want for Christmas isThere's just one thing I need YouI don't care about the presentsUnderneath the Christmas tree I just want you for my own; More than you could ever know Make my wish come true

I don't want a lot for Christmas Santa Claus won't make me happy

There's just one thing I need With a toy on Christmas DayI don't care about the presents I just want you for my ownUnderneath the Christmas tree More than you could ever knowI don't need to hang my stocking Make my wish come trueThere upon the fireplace All I want for Christmas is you

You baby Mariah Carey; All I Want for Christmas is You

Merry Christmas!

“I’d like to thank you for reading this little Xmas treat. I purely made this as a bit of fun and a little interlude, so that’s the reason why it isn’t that long. I hope you enjoyed it and you’ll probably see more from the Apocalypso gang in the new year. Until then I’d just like to say...”

Merry Christmas!

“Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

Merry Christmas!